Sarah: OK, first, no one rides horses in diaphanous gowns unless you are dying for chapped, chafed skin.
Second, open shirt? What is WITH the OPEN SHIRT on all these MEN? Do we need empirical proof that they have nipples?!
And finally: that horse has the thickest, shortest neck I’ve ever seen. Now that is cruelty.
Candy: Maybe they need empirical proof that the dude doesn’t have a third nipple or a partially-resorpted conjoined twin below his xyphoid process or something? I do think that according to the medical wisdom of the time, riding around open-shirted into a raging river on a rearing stallion with your main squeeze perched precariously on your lap is a sure recipe for the ague. Or drowning.
Either way, what bliss.
Sarah: I always look at these making-out-naked-under-the-waterfall things and think two things:
1. Ew. Leeches!
2. Ew! LEECHES!
I mean, seriously, who is going to hop naked into a waterfall pool and not find something squicky on the bottom under their toes?
Don’t fuck in the swamp! Don’t do it!
Candy: Aieeeee! I guess the dude compensates for her complete lack of muscle mass by having enough for a small island nation.
Sarah: I know this is a feature of Photoshop – but which one? Is it the pastels filter? And does anyone know WHY the artist decided to use it? Do they need to look like they have a fungus?
And this one has some excellent font action going on, too. Lady of FIRE! Just say with with a Beavis voice and it gets even better. Fire. FIRE! Lady of FIRE!
Also, is he, um, screwing her in mid-air? Is this a circus routine?
Candy: Wow. I didn’t know the Ice-Capades were popular in the Old West. Just you wait, he’s about to toss her so she can spin into a double axel. It also explains her gawdawful outfit.
I also love how the woman looks as if she’s orgasmically happy with her hair, too, like one of those Clairol Herbal Essences ads. Dude thought it was his wiener, but really, she’s moaning in ecstasy from her totally organic experience.
Sarah: I once had a photo like this taken of me. Not with my shirt open and a pelt on my back. But I went to Glamour Shots and they airbrushed the shit out of my face and that’s kind of what it looked like: all matte and perfect.
I don’t know what he’s so blue about – there are millions of men in NYC who would kill for that level of smooth manscaping.
Nice Harry Potter scar, too.
Candy:
High above the mucky-muck, castle made of clouds,
There sits Wonderboy, sitting oh so proudly.
Not much to say when you’re high above the mucky-muck.
Yeah, yeah.
Wonderboy, what is the secret of your power?
Wonderboy, won’t you take me far away from the mucky-muck man?Now it’s time for me to tell you about Young Nastyman,
Archrival and nemesis of Wonderboy, with powers comparable to Wonderboy.
What powers, you ask? I dunno, how ‘bout the power of flight?
That do anything for ya? That’s levitation, holmes.
How ‘bout the power to kill a yak from 200 yards away…
with mind bullets! That’s telekinesis, Kyle.
How ‘bout the power… to move you?
Hmmm. Apparently, some romance novel covers make me think of Tenacious D songs. Time to up the dose of my medication. Can’t wait to see which cover inspires me to think of “Fuck Her Gently.”
Oh. Wait.
Sarah: This guy is creepy. And it looks like there’s another person in the bed next to him, over to his right.
Candy: Dude. What a skanky-ass pose. I have the oddest feeling that he has the sheet over such a strategic area because he’s covering something…not great. Is it just me? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
As usual I must compulsively add my own commentary:
Spirit of the Mist: Anyone else notice that the hero is easily double the size of the heroine? And that the act of pointing her toe sharply into the raging river seems to be giving the heroine the big O?
Mistress of the Waters: What the HOLY HELL is wrong with that man’s hand? It looks as if his thumb has been attached backwards. Also, why is his head so frickin small compared with his mega-thor body?
Lady of Fire: Dude, it is totally obvious what is going on here—her hair was totally wet, and he is simply lifting and swishing her over the open flames to get it dried to the curly, bouncy texture she prefers.
The Blue Viking: I am unable to tear my eyes away from the “i” in viking, which is placed strategically over his eenie weenie.
Sweeter Savage Love: Is it just me, or does it totally look like he is tampering with his pocket rocket, while smirking at us?
Also, why is his head so frickin small compared with his mega-thor body?
The answer is obvious: Just as all her muscle mass has been sucked out of her body and into his, his pinhead is meant to balance her elephantine noggin.
This cover is about balance, man. Yin and yang. It’s DEEP, man.
*This cover is about balance, man. Yin and yang. It’s DEEP, man.*
You are sooo wise…*sob*
I cannot believe they had the nerve to rip off Harry Potter. Jesus.
The Blue Viking: I am unable to tear my eyes away from the “i†in viking, which is placed strategically over his eenie weenie.
On first glance at this cover, I read the title as The Bull King; had to look twice at it to read it right. King of bull, more like, I bet.
Is it my computer, or is the right rein in the Spirit of the Mist Cover attached to NOTHING? Maybe it snapped because he was cranking that poor crazy horse’s head back so far, but it looks to me like it’s currently being held up by the same ant-gravitational forces that are at work at the Mystery Spot (http://www.mysteryspot.com/photos.html)—and that are keeping those great man boobs from flapping in the wind.
OMG Robin! You are so right. I think the spirit in the mist refers to the haunted ghost-rein of doom, pulling the hero and heroine into the raging river! :bug:
Oh my. It’s Harry Potter all growed up and on steroids.
Lady of Fire: Ok, maybe it’s one of the following…
A: She is ON fire, and he’s trying to put her out by whipping her around.
B: He released some extremely vile Savage Thunder, and the resultant fusion with the Lady of Fire is causing her to rise upward like a hot air balloon, and he’s trying to keep her down. This would explain the weird fuzzy effect—it’s the chemical reaction.
C: He’s tired of the bitch, and is about to toss her into a volcano.
And somebody PLEASE forcefeed Mistress of Waters a cheeseburger, pronto. The hero can only keep her Karen Carpenter butt alive for so long with mouth to mouth.
What strikes me is that the guy on the last cover seems to have a broken pelvis—or else he’s able to twist *alll* the way ‘round, like a Barbie doll with a twisty waist. How else is he able to keep his back flush against the headboard while his legs are splayed open and hanging over the side of the bed? Also, forget the fact that he’s oddly limber for such a muscle-bound dude, I just think the “one knee sweetly cocked up in the air with the other leg dangling down to the floor” looks kinda girly.
And I can’t tell if the (lack of) expression on his face is meant to convey sensuality or the fact that he’s in possession of some wicked good weed that has him so stoned he’s seeing visions we can only wish we could share. (Or maybe he’s just medicating himself til the chiro can get there to fix his spine and straighten his girly legs out…)
Lene’
Ok, sorry to bash the same guy twice, but I just noticed how smooth his legs are—when I said he looked girly, I hadn’t even noticed the just-waxed look.
C’mon! I know hairy chests seem to be verboten on heroes, but what is up with this? With all the shirts flapping in the breeze, or missing entirely, have any of you ever seen even a glimpse of hairy armpits on the heroes? Didn’t think so. And now I see what look suspiciously like shaved legs, and sorry, no one is gonna be able to convince me this guy is a cyclist.
What’s the deal? Am I the only woman in America who actually likes hairy guys? Well, not Robin Williams hairy, but still…
Lene’
Anybody else hearing Right Said Fred when you look at that girly pose?
And will it help to know that Mr. Sweeter Savage Blue Viking is a total dick IRL? He was at this years RT and the highlight of the convention was witnessing his incredible massive ego being burst by a 14 year old.
He was being a massive tool to everyone, even squeeeing fangrrls (or fan women, as the case may be). But would perk up anytime a cute young thing (massive hooters qualified as cute to him, as well) crossed his line of site. Well, this very cute (but very young) 14 year old (daughter of an author) walked by and was chatting with an author placed next to tool-boy. He managed to make eye contact and pulled a “Welll, helllooo, mmmmroawrr” greeting on her. As only a 14 year old can do, she looked him dead in the eye and said “Man, you’re OLD!”
I about died laughing. She’s right, BTW, he is NOT ageing well, LOL.
E.D’Trix: that was a beautiful story. I have tears in my eyes, and my heart is filled with hope for the next generation.
I am racking my brain to recall which one he was…
Sandra Hill, author of “Truly, Madly Viking”? Is she for REAL? Who the fuck BUYS these things? Soda shot out of my nose when I read that.
That waterfall cover though…surely that must be breaking some kind of graphics code?
Oh, her viking stuff is really popular, so yeah—she’s for real, LOL.
If it makes you feel any better about her, you should know that oftentimes authors are not allowed much input on their titles, and they will have their working titles (i.e. Cassie’s Conqueror) turned in to monstrosities (i.e. The Sexy SEAL Daddy Next Door).
Sometimes the working title does make it to the final title, but oftentimes it is the pot-smoking marketing department that comes up with these gems.
Not a word about the blue viking’s blue sword? Nothing?
brrrrrr cold steel
And yet another story about RT to make me weep again about missing it.
I had a c-section a week ago, and all this laughing is undoubtedly bad for my stitches. As a service to your legion of fans, please post a warning in the future when you review covers that are this dang bad. “Those recently having surgery are advised to skip this week’s covers until your physician clears you to laugh uncontrollably.”
Lady of Fire….one question….Why? I closed my eyes, shook my head and opened them again to stare in shock at the cover…only to discover the only word my brain would form was Why? I don’t get it.
Mistress of the Waters…that one I figured out. She has no spleen or any other internal organs. She is a hollowed-out shell of a woman. That is the only explanation for someone that skinny.
The Blue Viking…I need help on this one. Is he blue as in depressed because he can only afford a pelt and not a shirt? Is he blue because he is freezing and that is why all his chest and body hair (except for his lustrous mane) fell off? Or is Blue his nickname, like a Bubba sort-of-thing?
And Sweeter Savage Love….Wrong. Just so wrong on so many levels, there is not time enough in the day to enumerate them. He creeps me out. I want my mommy.
Why? Dear God, why?
Spirit of the Mist: Deformed horse, deformed dress, deformed dude. ‘Nuff said.
Mistress of the Waters: Mistress of anorexic leeches, maybe. Maybe the hero is sucking her lifeforce out through her mouth? And what the hell is wrong with that man’s GREASY HAIR? It don’t look wet, it looks greasy. Of course, I could be traumatized from the Johnny-Depp-hair-grease conversation previously had in other comments…
Lady of Fire: The only “fire” I’m seeing on the cover is the burning rash the Photoshop artist evidently got while looking at his/her own work. That doesn’t look like hair, it looks like some weird shaggy Tribble is eating her head. Maybe the hero’s trying to save her from being carried off by Cousin It.
The Blue Viking: Not so much a problem with this as the “Truly, Madly Viking”. There is just so much wrong with that title I can’t even start. I do have one question, though: why wasn’t this guy in the Man-Titty competition? That might have perked me up to compete in the haiku department.
Sweeter Savage Yuck: “Come here and join the creepiness!” Seriously, this dude looks like he just found out the steroids have shrunk his wanger to the size of a xtra-small cocktail weenie. Note the world-weary smudges under his eyes. He’s been doing so many anabolic steroids that he can’t sleep, or he’s in mourning for his lost willie? You make the call.
Ucky, icky, yuck. Must go wash eyes with Clorox now.
Oh no, poor authors. I’m more inclined to give Hill a hug now. Thanks for the info Trix!
That is some low-grade weed the marketing dept. is choking on.
Mistress of the Waters…that one I figured out. She has no spleen or any other internal organs. She is a hollowed-out shell of a woman.
And you know why that is? Because of the leeches, of course! They have not only sucked out her blood, they’ve sucked out everything else, too.
My first thought at the sight of “Mistress of the Waters” was that will never pass the currently on the shelf RWA Graphic Standards. She has her NAKED boobies pressed against his manly chest.
Missie! Congratulations on your new baby from the pregnant Smart Bitch! Sorry to bust your stitches.
And I cannot believe we missed the completely missing rein on the misty horse.
As for Sandra Hill, I must confess that I found “A Very Virile Viking” very charming, but it’s not like I could tell you a thing about the heroine. But the Very Virile Viking gets sucked through time with his gagle of children, not all of which are his but not one of which he could turn away when left on his doorstep, and his interactions with his kids as they cope with finding themselves in the future was just adorable. I really enjoyed it – but the others? Meh.
This is my first visit here and it is
hilarious!! 😆
Anyone ever notice how the Timeswept heroines all have the same neck-breaking head toss and flying hair?
And Sweeter Savage is a psycho whose legs are evidently detachable at the hips. That’s SO hot!
I can think of absolutely nothing witty or clever to say, because you’ve all just about covered it. Much as my computer is covered with coffee.
Man, I really needed a good laugh today. Seems I can always count on one at the Home of Smart Bitches. Or maybe I should just call it The Home?
Good heavens, that Lady of Fire cover is completely awful. This couple should have toppled over long before now. But perhaps the funky filter is helping them remain standing (in his case; I’m not at all sure what she’s doing).
Um, folks, I hate to break it to you, but the bedmate on the cover of Sweeter Savage Love is Gollum.
Um, folks, I hate to break it to you, but the bedmate on the cover of Sweeter Savage Love is Gollum.
Oooooh, a paranormal romance with gay overtones, then? That’s actually an IMPROVEMENT on what I thought the book was about….
Would he switch back and forth between Smeigel and Gollum during his homosexual tryst?
Ah, yes, Preeciousss, we likes it….
No, we hates it, we hates it. Gollum hates the teeny peenie, hates it.
Ahhh, please don’t do this to me. I know I’m sick, I know I’m perverted, but I haven’t had my coffee yet, and I can’t help the way my mind twists. So do you have to set me up to have random fancies like “I can just see Gollum using the One Ring on that doped up dude as some sort of cock ring for his teenie weenie,” and then leave me shaking in disgust at my own sickness? Do you *have* to do things like that?
Lord help me, must be why I love this friggin’ site.
Lene’
That’s the best thing about perversion…it can always go one step further.
A little late to this party, but I had to tell E.D’Trix how very much her story about the Viking guy made my day. Good to know my human instincts were correct: the vacuous expression in his eyes *does* match his personality.
Wait a sec…are the guys from Blue Viking and Legendary Lovers one and the same? The faces, hair and upper bodies look eerily similar, not to mention the look of complete stupidity in the eyes. (OK, I’ll admit that was a bit harsh, it’s just that I demand that the brain be at least equal to the brawn and this guy looks like he doesn’t quite measure up.)
Plus, consider how the lower body isn’t shown in the Viking picture, perhaps as a way of masking the strange configuration of his legs as displayed on Lovers.
They do look similar, don’t they?
Same guy. Isn’t his name John DeSalvo or somethin’? yep, found it—here ya go! http://www.johndesalvo.com/
Lene’
OMG that web site is hilarious; I didn’t realize he was the dark haired version of Fabio.
Alas, I didn’t have the courage to find out what an “Action Shot” entailed after scrolling down the “Images” and seeing how very many bad covers he has graced.
And good lord, looks as though he has graced several of la’Edwards Savage covers! *must.bleach.eyeballs.*
LOL I had the same fear of the whole “action shot” thing, so didn’t dare take a peek. I had nightmare visions of him shootin’… uh… stuff at my computer screen, much like thoe old 3-D movies used to have bats flying RIGHT OUT AT YOU or clumsy men tripping and spilling pitchers of milk directly at the camera.
Lene’
(Anyone wanna bet me that if he *did* include such an action shot, you’d be able to detect a mirror somewhere conveniently in his eyeshot, to provide the stimulus needed for the finale?)