What makes a man?
Is it the woman in his arms?
Just ‘cause she has big titties
Or is the way
He fights everyday?
No, it’s probably the titties
– DVDA, “Now You’re a Man”
Ahhh, immortal words from Trey Parker and Co. Apparently, based on some e-books, big man-titties are indicative of manliness, too. Take a look, for example, at these:
Candy: Sha-zam! Behold, I unleash before you… MASSIVE TITTY! This is thanks to my totem animal, the lactating gorilla, to which I bear a disturbing resemblance. That is, if lactating gorillas had breast implants that drove their gazongas towards their collarbone.
Sarah: Berdache, my ass. Backache is more like it, from hauling those mountainous man-breasts around. And sure, they’re firm and perky while he’s young and nubile, but just wait until he’s nursed for a year and middle-aged sag hits him. Then he’ll be kicking around his own man-titties to get them out of his way. Talk to me then, Backache.
Candy: OK, this cover confuses me. Chest: Disturbingly feminine—check out how his left hooter looks disturbingly girly and perky. Abs: Appropriately ripped. Sword: Massive, phallic, yet ouchy and thorny. I can feel my impressionable mind warping already. Unfortunately, overdeveloped man-titty is not on the RWA list of Things That Are Narsty And That We Don’t Want To Associate With. The No More Terrifying Man-Titty Campaign: talk about a cause I’d be more sympathetic to.
Sarah: Word, Candy, it is a total shame that the RWA isn’t more willing to consider the true travesties of the cover-art world: man breasts that aren’t appropriately used to help shade the earth. I mean, if this dude were launched into space, his man-tits could cover up many of the depleted areas lacking ozone and save me from sunburn.
Candy: Poor Axl Rose. It’s not enough that his former bandmates are now making loads of dosh and quite a name for themselves with a new, skank-ass frontman. It’s not enough that he’s warped his face beyond recognition with bad plastic surgery. He’s now gotten pec implants and is posing for e-book covers with an inexplicable garter on his arm. His humiliation is complete.
Sarah: What the hell is THAT? I am totally missing my garter from my wedding – is this where it got to? And how did he end up with it? I bet some art director stole it as an example of an “arm band of manful manliness” for some struggling artist who’d never heard of such a thing, and instead of thinking that lace was too frilly for such a smooth-skinned man-tit-sporting mega-stud, he just put the garter on his arm like he’s a reject from a curious bachelorette party.
Either that, or he’s leaving the bachelorette party because all the bachelorettes kicked him out for having nicer titties than they do.
Um? I TOTALLY can’t believe you didn’t tell the world about mantitty puzzle fireworks!
You know, Beth hasn’t been the same since she found the man titty puzzles.
the interesting thing about “berdache” is that it is/was an institution in some Native American societies that scholars have read either as a mixed or third gender that incorporated aspects of both masculinity and femininity. hmmm…maybe the cover makes more sense now.
You know, the more I look at Cover #2, the more doubt I feel. Are we really sure that the… thing… on the cover is actually a man? I mean, the pinkness of the nipples, the strange slenderness of the arms despite the muscles, the shadow that looks suspiciously like cleavage… And I’ve definitely seen female bodybuilders who were even more ripped than that.
Maybe they were too poor to hire Fabio, and thus had to opt for his long-lost sister and hope that no one would notice? That would explain the carefully positioned “ZOMG I AM A MANLY MAN” sword, at least.
That “Berdache” book, I’d be more concerned with what his tomahawk of love is up to. Looks painful for his partners.
Oh, shit, Beth. I can’t believe I forgot the man-titty fireworks too.
And now I can’t get them out of my head.
*weeps softly*
no one’s been the same since Beth found those puzzles. Thanks a lot for rocking our word, Rowena Cherry.
And how come I didn’t get a head’s up that this was here? I joined the damn club. I paid my dues. I put my email in some “I’m Better Than Average” slot.
I’m thinking about volunteering for the RWA board’s board of people fretting about covers and I need to know about stuff like this [these] massive man-titty threat.
Dude, who could ever POSSIBLY be the same after the mantitty fireworks? Shit, it’s enough to make me open IE so that I get the fireworks.
That should have been “rocking our world,” but who cares. By the Lechers of Antiquity! another thing about Rowena Cherry’s book are some plum words and some …hard docking.
Wait, did Tigger do some docking? Did I miss something?
*goes back and re-reads excerpts*
Okay, the woman titty on the so called man is disturbing, calling therapist stat!
My problem is I am reading Berdache as bird-ache. Makes me think he has sores on his penis – blech. No, no, you’re welcome.
Lori Foster had a book where the hero commented to some teens about wearing a condom or they would wind up as the grinch. When he explained, I couldn’t shake the mental image and it was right before a sex scene. Green shriveled penis. Seriously, this kind of stuff should not even be alluded to in a romance!
CindyS
I want to know what makes cover illustrators think that I am turned on by men who have obviously either maxed out on their steroid use or are undergoing hormone therapy prior to a sex change operation. Either way, eewww.
I was going to click on Beth’s link, but after all these comments, I think I’ll go back to re-reading my Emma Holly.
Those covers are the work of Satan. WTF is up with the first cover? WTF?
Please someone! Give Backache some Lotrimin to relief the painful burning of his crotchrot!
Aw, hell, just give him a fire extinguisher…
You know, Kate, I say the Bitches need to read Forced Mate. Now THAT would be some review. I wonder how they’d take to it.
Good plan, Nicole!
Yo, Bitches. Email me your address and I’ll send off my copy. Instantly.
Damn, that urinary tract infection is really killing Berdache there. Behold…the glowing nuclear green discharge of luuurve!
“Forced Mate”? Wow. Sounds…. smutty. And, uh, forceful.
Wait! It’s a Rowena Cherry book! HOW DUMB DO YOU THINK WE ARE?
No, wait. The possibilities of comedy…. Hmmm. OK, Kate, watch your e-mail. Sending you my address.
I think the key to reading the book is to not take it seriously. It isn’t meant to be a serious futuristic romance. I like how she takes all the usual conventions and then makes them so over the top. Honestly, it’s just so damn funny. But humor is subjective and I can understand how people could hate it.
The whole man-boob thing on a cover doesn’t really bother me. Stuff like wading through a river in leather pants or being buck naked while outside in the middle of snowstorm does. But – that picture of Axle Rose and his new face – *shudders* Stuff of nightmares.
Oh, forgot to add – Cover #2 is a bit over the top. That one did make me go “Eewwww!”
I cannot resist anything by a woman named Rowena Cherry. I keep saying it over and over, looking for the verbal pun. Now people are staring at me.
It’s time to send the address,because I think this shall give me hours of giggles. And the opportunity to make Hubby wonder who the hell “Rowena Cherry” is that I keep muttering about.
Kate- what’s your email? I’m having trouble finding it on your site, which must be because I am a big moron, big as those man-titties.
Too late, Candy already tracked me down. She gets the book! my email is katerothwell @ comcast.net
I suggest a Smart Bitches ManTitty Haiku Contest, with the winner receiving a Smart Bitch title to wear proudly.
YOU. ARE. A. GENIUS.
too bad I can’t write haiku, but I could manage a sonnet… maybe… if I could write without giggling myself to death over the word “mantitties”…
Behold Man Titties.
Lush, bountiful and perky.
Baby Jesus weeps.
I am no slouch with the bad haiku composition, if I do say so myself. But then I’m not eligible for the contest.
Hang on, we’ll create an official Contest Entry page.
Wheeee!
Haven’t read Forced Mate, but I’ve heard enough about it that I look forward to a review.
I keep hoping for the review of White Tigress, a book I had very mixed feelings about. I’d love to hear your take.
Alyssa
*blushes* The holdup in the review for White Tigress is mostly my fault. I finished reading it and posted the review ages and ages ago. But I kept forgetting to mail the book to Sarah (I have excellent memory for stupid, pointless trivia, but the part of my brain that’s supposed ot remember “Bring packages to the post office” seems irreparably damaged), so she could take a look at it too.
Anyway. I’ve FINALLY mailed the book to Sarah, though I have no idea if it’s arrived yet.
E. D’trix is gonna get me busted for laughing at work.
That first cover….hand that poor boy a fire extinguisher, his clap is raging out of control.
That Axl Rose thing—well I think I’m gonna have to go home sick, put on my GNR CD and just weep.
Axl How could you?
First time I saw That “Berdache” cover my mind said “Holy Lord, he’s his own totem pole! His surprisingly luminous nipples are just the pupils in the mantitty eyes of his second face, right? And he’s breathing fire from an extra mouth located somewhere in his crotch!”