Hear ye, hear ye: Today’s Smart Bitch Sarah’s birthday, yayyyy!
Everyone: leave the most creative birthday greeting you can in the comments. Profanity welcome.
I’ll start, and hell, since I’ve offended the conservative Christians already, I’m-a gonna go for pissing off any and all PC police in the audience too:
Happy birthday, Sarah, you magnificent bitch. May the cake be plentiful and delicious, may the birthday presents kick ass, and may the birthday sex be so good that you wake up all your new neighbors and scare the wildlife for miles around. (Yeah, that’s right, show Angelina and Brad how it’s really done.) I’m so glad I found you back in 2002 when I was Googling for cat food recipes and found your blog entry about Fukui’s and Ohta’s foul kibble-fueled shits. You’re one of my favorite Hebes.
Love,
Uppity Godless Chink
Can’t send any nice racy links as I’m here at work and locked out of most everything. But – Happy Birthday!
BWAHAHAHAHAH – you crack me up! Bring on the cussing – fucking A!
And thank you from the bottom of my smart bitchy heart!
Happy Birthday Sarah, you magnificent bitch,
May somebody poke your chocolate starfish,
Assbutlers and cumguzzlers and tittygrabbers, oh my!
Such foul language could make the RWA cry.
Keep up the good work, and lest you forget,
Teach all your snark to the baby bitchette!
(clears throat)
May thine titties never sag nor otherwise falter.
May thine mood never lose its edge of bitchiness.
May you be a scourge upon bad cover art and snotty RWA cowards for the rest of thine days.
May your ass never be cold during the frigid night. Yea, neither thine titties nor any other juicy bit of thine.
May thou never losest thine huge cast-iron balls.
Lasteth but not leasteth, may you smack me upon mine head for committing such a sin as going all fucking Shakespearean Bible on thy birthday. I present my head for smacking.
Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you!
May your orgasms be many,
and your lover be true!
(and well endowed, and long-lasting, and imaginative, and…)
Oh my GOSH I am crying. Chocolate starfish, cast iron balls, non-sagging boobies, and well-endowed lovers with orgasms galore?
Faaabulous. This birthday rocks! Thank you!
Aw hell, I can’t top those. Just have a hell of a great birthday!
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday dear smart bitchy bitch,
I hate poems that rhyme.
Raise hell, Sarah!
I suck at holiday greetings so you’ll just have to make do with “Happy Birthday!”
::Mumbling to self:::
People still freaking assed celebrate birthdays? WTF? Stopped celebrating that shit as soon as I was old enough to drink. Killed off so many brain cells I couldn’t keep track of dates AND balance my check book. Sigh. Kids. Kinda cute, though. I can do better than that pathetic “happy fucking birthday” she’s still young. She has years to go before she can’t remember her kids birthdays, much less her own.
::smacking away dangerous happy glow on a Monday::
May you have many, many more fabulous birthdays!
—Ferfe
Sarah! You go out drinking and carousing, right? You’re young enough for that kinda thing.
here’s the song they sing around here, to the tune of the Volga Boatmen:
happy birthday
misereeeeee and decay
people dying every day
happy birthday.
Remember what mom always says, Don’t dance on the tables if you’re going commando.
This is true, Kate, no commando table dancing – and no drinking and carousing for me, since I’m also 20 w pregnant today, too. So carousing will have to wait.
But table dancing? Not so much. Bring it on!
And poems that don’t rhyme plus poetic, snarky grumblings? Fabulous! Thank you!
I do plan on having a helluva birthday.
Have a bitchalicious birthday, Sarah!
Happy birthday, Sarah, you fellow Gemini Bitch, you!
Many orgasmic returns!! 🙂
Remember what mom always says, Don’t dance on the tables if you’re going commando.
*starts sobbing* NOW you tell me….
See, my mom always just said “I brought you into the world, and I sure as hell can take you out again.” That, and “I would’ve been better off giving birth to ten pounds of char siew. At least I could eat the char siew.” Or, when she’s feeling sassy and I’ve been particularly exasperating, “You make me want to vomit blood.”
Mind you, the original Hokkien words have quite a bit more bite to them than these pale English translations.
Ahem. Enough about me. Back to ze birthday girl. So Sarah: Have you worn out your hubby yet with your birthday… exuberance?
Hope your birthday is the best one ever. (And don’t do anything Candy wouldn’t do . . .)
🙂
Alyssa
(And don’t do anything Candy wouldn’t do . . .)
Too late. I think Sarah recently stocked up on shaved gerbils.
Happy birthday! My gift to you will be that I neither sing (trust me, you’d probably hear it from where you are) nor try to rhyme anything. Really, this is a bigger treat than you know.
Happy belated birthday to one half of the smart bitches
Whose snarky commentaries have kept me in stitches
Hope your day was filled with chocolate and at least one expensive gift
And that all of these birthday wishes gave you a lift.
I’m raising a toast (it sucks you can’t share the drink)
But I’m wishing you lots of good health and fun kink
This was such a way cool idea – I’ll say it once, then again
It was so fucking thoughtful of your “Godless Chink” friend!
(I couldn’t resist, Candy:P)
Hope it’s your best year ever, Sarah!
Gah and I forgot to say hapy belated to Sarah! Happy fucking birthday, Sarah you big bitch, even if it IS a day late. If you don’t like belateds, you can just suck my dick, bitch, because I was busy and had other things on my mind so piss off.
Okay, I can’t even leave that without adding that I’m just kidding and really hope you had a happy, happy birthday!!
Happy Belated Birthday Sarah! My creative energies have been buried under sleepless nights, a teething baby, and packing material so I’ll just stick with that 😉
Happy belated birthday, Sarah! Yesterday I ate a big bowl of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey in celebration of _something_—it was either your birthday or Shavuot (no, that’s not a weird cuss word, people, it’s a weird Jewish holiday)—so regardless of the occasion, it was fun to indulge.
Darlene
Laura, your poem cracks my shit up.
And a day late is still a really happy wish so thank you thank you!
And I am totally down with Chunky Monkey celebrations, for Shavuot or for my birthday. Bring on the dairy, yo!
Thank you everyone for cracking me up with your absolutely hysterical birthday wishes. I cannot tell you how much it made me laugh and smile.