Sarah and Candy are incommunicado for three days because of Sarah’s lack of internet, and THIS is what they start talking about first thing Monday morning.
Candy: Hey, how’d the moving go?
Sarah: Moving went well. LOVE the new house. We not only hired movers to move us, but we hired movers to PACK which was a WEIRD experience. They packed EVERYTHING. And I mean, every thing. My mother in law helped us unpack because I am limited in energy and it is far too easy for me to hurt myself, and she opened a lovingly wrapped paper bundle of… takeout Chinese duck sauce packets.
Sidebar: Can evidence of arousal in Chinese romance/erotica heroines be likened unto duck sauce? Discuss!
Candy: I love that the movers packed your duck sauce packets! BWAH! And I’m glad you asked about comparisons to duck sauce, because seriously, you could’ve said fish sauce. Or sweet-and-sour. Or oyster.
Sarah: See, I’m a big fan of duck sauce, though not from women, and while I don’t think I’ve ever had fish sauce, or oyster, I have had sweet-n-sour and lobster, and I don’t think they match the true erotica heroine consistency I’m looking for.
Of course, then we have to discuss the hero: egg roll? Kung pao chicken roll? Chicken skewer?
Candy: I’m pretty sure you’ve had oyster sauce. If you’ve had stir-fry or fried rice, you’ve had oyster. Few people realize that the distinctive taste of Chinese stir-fry is almost entirely due to oyster sauce. The sauce itself is thick and gloopy and brown, and it’s not a dipping sauce at all—it’s used strictly for cooking, near as I can tell. I have a giant bottle in my refrigerator at all times for the making of the stir-fry.
It would be too funny if in the Chinese version of the Catherine Coulter novel you told me about, the hero had used oyster sauce to lubricate the heroine’s cunny instead of cream.
As for what the hero should be: pork ribs? Or if he’s especially large—beef shank in herbal broth?
Sarah: Stirfry is oyster sauce? No kidding! No wonder stir fry makes me ill. Just about all the valve-type shellfish, like clams, oysters, mussels, etc, make me iller than ill. I be illin’.
Oh my GOD yes. Midsummer Magic, with oyster sauce! UGH!
Pork ribs would be GREAT. Perhaps we can work this into the character generator script? He’s as big as an egg roll, or some chicken satay on a skewer, or a shishkabob – the whole thing. Useful if one is a sheik, no?
Candy: Hey, if the hero’s a sheikh, then we need to include leg of lamb. Or mutton. He’s baa-aaa-aaa-d to the bone.
And the heroine’s sauce would be some kind of yogurt-tahini combination. HAAAAA.
Sarah: Totally, if the hero is a sheik, there needs to be mutton or some kind of shank (har har shank). Or, if he were seriously teeny, a pine nut. And tahini would work. Or, on a bad day, hummus.
Candy: YES to the hummus. CHUNKY hummus.
Or chunky kefir.
Wow, that just made me throw up a little in my mouth.
Sarah: Hummus with Roasted Garlic and Pine Nuts!
Candy: Screw the pine nuts! This heroine wants cucumber! An UNCUT cucumber!
Sarah: Don’t forget the yogurt sauce.
Ok. Now I’m nauseated, too.
Yeah, welcome to my world of nauseating food/genital comparisons. You name it, I have probably seen it in some permutation or another:
Man meat and gravy? Check.
Sausage and Tapioca? Check.
Bangers and Mash?(Personal fave)Check.
For the woman it has and probably will continue to be a regular fruit salad.
Ambrosia? Check.
Nectar? Check.
Split Peach? Hell, yeah.
I often get the (slightly gross) imagery of a man in a watermelon eating contest slurping away, as I read some of the, shall we say, extra-juicy descriptions. I mean, wet? Yeah, I get that. But so wet that a smoothie can be blended up? Ewww.
Don’t forget the salmon. I’m still scarred about the salmon. Haven’t had sashimi since that comment you left.
Bangers and mash?! BANGERS and MASH?
Oh my gosh. I am crying I am laughing so hard.
Please tell who ever wrote that, I really love their peaches and I want to shake their tree.
Bla bla bla cameltoes and yogurt and I felt like fuckin’ around at work so BEHOLD!
Sorry for the poor quality. Quickness + furtiveness does make for great Photoshoppery.
At least you managed to choose the right yogurt—the one with that thick rich layer of *cream* on top! Oh, God, I think I have some of that in the fridge (maple—it’s the best, but only in the whole fat version mixed with Trader Joe’s vanilla almond granola clusters) I need to throw away.
At least oyster sauce hasn’t lost its appeal—yet.
I shall never look at food in quite the same way again. I cannot come up with anything in response to the mind-boggling culinary language of luuurrve, to compare with these gems.
So I shall just mention that when my sister and her family were posted to Israel, the packers very carefully packed and sent across the world the bathroom rubbish bin – complete with contents.
Fortunately, my sister had emptied the kitchen rubbish bin before they came.
The female body fluids are always described like they’ve douched in Cool Whip: creamy, sweet,etc. Much as I appreciate an attempt to make things sound more palatable, so to speak, it can get a bit nuts. Oops. Excuse the pun.
I IMed the bangers and mash bit to my friend. She’s giggling.
Porn Star or My Little Pony?
payback time—you forced me to waste time at that furniture porn place.
take the quiz: porn star or my little pony
Oh man… you’ve just prohibited me from eating about half the food in my fridge. Reading that was worse than watching CSI. Blech!
Dining at the oyster cafe, followed by the post-coital dining at the snack rat cafe is one that really stands out for me. Way to put me off oysters forever!
A quivering banana is in no way sexy and hot dogs just don’t excite me. Popsicle references just make me thing of it mellllting!
She looked like a ripe strawberry? Ouch, she needs to see a doctor for that! Her personal lubrication… being referred to as icing…eww!
And don’t forget the ever popular ‘man meat’. How evocative is that? What kind of meat is it anyway? Generic lunch meat? Pickle loaf? Ham? Spam? Bologna? Roast beef?
Y’know, I’ve taken that “Porn Star or My Little Pony” test many times, and I STILL suck. 5 out of 12. All I can ever remember is that Chocolate Delight is definitely a pony.
I believe the meat in question is tube steak.
I got five out of 12 too. Sad thing is, the porn stars I did right, it’s because I’d actually seen a movie they were in.
Those quizzes are addicting. I just discovered I do know my a$$ from a hole in the ground.
You actually pay attention to the porn stars’ names when you watch the movie?
Yes, my dark secret is revealed. I actually read the credits on porn flicks. Sigh.
I listen to the dialogue, too. Some of the funniest stuff I’ve ever heard is on there.
Chocolate Delight is definitely a pony. Except on our page, where it’s probably an upcoming (har) book cover.
I listen to the dialogue, too. Some of the funniest stuff I’ve ever heard is on there.
It’s all in the delivery, really. A Clockwork Orgy repeats a lot of the dialogue from A Clockwork Orange line-by-line, but the way the actresses say “droogs” and “a bit of the old ultra-violence” had me rolling on the floor.
The fact that they end up athletically boinking a young, buff tramp instead of beating an old, scruffy one to death had a lot to do with the hilarity too. Malcolm McDowell, eating your fucking heart out.
The funniest one, IMO:
A young thing is cleaning up after a party. Stark naked, of course. Outside. Like we all do.
Her bikini-clad friend strolls up with a man, also bikini-clad. Ms. Bikini then burbles,
“Bob, this is my friend, Becky, who’s still a virgin. Becky, this is Bob, the guy I told you about with the really huge c**k?”
What an introduction.
Life would be a lot easier if we could introduce single people like that: “Bob, this is Jane, who is multiorgasmic if you give her red wine. Jane, this is Bob, who can do this thing with his ears that will blow you all the way to the vineyard.”
“Hi, I’m Candy, and my husband over here, who’s 6’8”, is proportionate in every way.”
*meaningful pause*
“And I do mean every. way.”
Your husband is 6’8”? He is VERY TALL!
And my captcha is firm23. I am guessing he is that, too!
Life would be a lot easier if we could introduce single people like that:
That is true. Would save a lot of uncomfortable silences.
Oh, god. I think I’m seeing the birth of The Smart Bitches Dating Service.
I’m still trying to imagine being 6’8”. Hell, being WITH someone 6’8”. *crick*
The tallest I’ve been with was 6’3”. That was fun.
And I can imagine the SB Dating Service—total truth up front.
“Ok, he’s rich and goodlooking, but he’s into Furries. You’ll have to like dressing as a panda.”
When I make my “About Us” page I’ll post a picture of the Very Tall Husband and me standing next to each other. It’s startling. When I sit next to him, he looks like a ventriloquist with a Chinese doll.
And yes, if we start a dating service, the truthful snark shall be brutal. “He’s pretty cute, but after a hot day his feet have a tendency to smell like unwashed babboon ass, and he has a preference for porn with titles like Bust a Nut in Grandma’s Butt and Senior Center Swingin’.”
And so as not to be sexist…
“She’s smart, and nice, and she looks good, but watch out when the clothes come off. She’s wearing more heavy-duty spandex on her foundation garments than a Poison comeback tour.”