Covers Gone Lindsey, Part 1

Johanna Lindsey, who single-handedly must have kept Fabio in hair serum and diamonds for the first third of his beefy life, is having all of her backlist rereleased with new, tame covers. Oh, the shame. Vintage Lindsey covers are the equivalent of purple prose in visual form: heaving bosoms, long, impossibly well-kept hair, overwrought poses, though sadly, no raging members. We’ve uncovered a Geocities cache of vintage Lindsey, and are reviewing them in sets of three. So hold on to your galloping pulse, delicately dab the moisture from your glistening angel-wing brow, and keep the smelling salts handy. It’s Lindsey Time!

A Heart So Wild

Sarah: First of all, FIRE! FIRE! Y’all need to stop making out and posing like ice dancers and MOVE AWAY from the OPEN FLAMES. Lord have mercy, there is a time and place for everything. Unless by ‘So Wild’ Lindsey also meant brushfires.

And what’s wrong with him, aside from looking incredibly aged? I can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it’s the positioning of his little blue bandanna there looks like he’s got a quill in his hand and is about to autograph her shoulder. Or his bizarrely long thumb. My, what a long thumb he has.

Candy: When Vampires Go Cowboy! And Blind! And Gay! And Try to Suck The Non-Existent Blood of Fellow Vampires!

Seriously. The dude looks like he’s about to say “I vant to suck your blood, mwahaha,” only with a Texan accent. Just what we need: a vampire gunslinger.

What’s up with his eyes? They’re so sunken, they almost look like empty sockets. Just looking at them gives me a serious case of the jibblies.

And could the chick be any paler? I mean, seriously. She should’ve listened to her momma and eaten her liver like a good girl. Pernicious anemia is not fun, kids.

Also: Inquiring minds want to know what a “Hearr” is. Is that “Heart” said in a really retarded Scottish accent? Is this guy really a combination of all our worst nightmares, i.e. a Scottish cowboy vampire? Oh, the humanity.

Brave the Wild Wind

Sarah: I can think of a few other things they are braving, most notably the toxic freaking waste in which they are getting busy! Hello, GREEN water is not a good place for attempts to capture that lovin’ feeling.

And aside from overexposure to said green water in one’s orifices, shouldn’t she worry not so much about the wild wind as the wild rapids surrounding what looks to be a small perch of rock? I’ve been down class III rapids in the Youghiogheny River, and, while class III is not hugely scary, they move pretty fast, and hello, that green water coming up behind you looks pretty damn strong. Sheesh. Brave not so much as stupid.

Candy: “Honey, save me! The current is pulling me under!”

“Hang on, let me get nekkid and suck on your shell-like ear first.”

Sarah, you’re so right about the green water. I’m thinking either toxic waste, or serious algae overgrowth. Either way, having plutonium isotopes or a ton of algae washed up my hoohah is not my idea of a good time. Perhaps this is why I’ll never be a cover artist. I have no vision, I tell you, none. Though it’s probably better than Vlad the Gunslinger’s vision up there, since at least my eyeballs haven’t sunk two inches into my skull.

Defy Not the Heart

Sarah: This is one of my favorite Lindsey covers ever. It’s just so freaking bizarre. The only thing they are defying is any credible period-accurate fashion sense. It’s a checklist from What Not To Wear. Purple tights? Check. Puffy-shirt from Seinfeld? Check. Low cut velvet gown in nuclear orange-red? Check. Impossibly long, “ouch you’re on my hair” hair? Check. Finger waves for Fabio? Check. Eyeshadow in Bonne Bell colors? Check.

Perhaps a better title would have been, “When Elvira and Fabio Get It On.”

Candy: I didn’t know they had strippers who gave lapdances in medieval times! And how unfair that even back then, Fabio gets to break the “don’t touch the girls” rule.

Question: What exactly is Fabulous reclining on? It looks like either thin air, or a very flimsy collection of violently lilac-colored brush. His thigh muscles must be SO TONED if he can keep that awkward pose while supporting Bimbetta there. My suggestion for an alternate title would be “Defy Not The Laws of Gravity.” Or “When Medieval Floozies Go Wild.”