My husband, Rich, wanted me to wait until he got home to recap this episode because said the first episode is always the best one. That’s like picking the best turd out of the litterbox. In case this is your first time reading one of my recaps I have a theory regarding The Bachelor. No one wants to win this show. You want to stay on it long enough to enjoy the free booze, free travel, … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S28 E1: Even Canada Says No…Thanks→
It’s Bachelor night everyone! Pudding is too busy ordering sushi from Door Dash to care. Pudding: Do I want extra tuna on my spicy tuna roll? Yes. Yes, I do. We’re in Budapest now. The first one-on-one goes to Kaity. Both Kat and Kaity are blondes with wavy balayaged hair, and I’m having a hard time telling them apart. They take a funicular to look out over the city. Zach says he still gets butterflies when … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S26 E7: You and I Remember Budapest Very Differently→
After a night of snow and wind followed by freezing rain, Pudding and I are ready to snuggle down under our favorite blankets and watch The Bachelor. Pudding may have had hit the nip a little hard. Pudding: Wake me up when this is over. Tonight everyone is in London and, apparently, crying. As you read the recap, it’s worth remembering that they allegedly keep the cast super sleep deprived to accommodate the filming schedule and also, … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S27 E5: London Tears→
It’s a new year and with that comes a new season of The Bachelor. If you’re new to my recaps, please understand that I have exactly zero faith in the show’s ability to produce true love between its contestants. No, I watch The Bachelor under the premise that the last thing any of the contestants want to do is actually win. So why go on the show? Think about it: you get to live in a mansion … Continue reading The Bachelor–S24 E1: Pilot Pete→
My apologies for the late recap, Bitchery. Severe winter weather took it out of me yesterday. I was hopeful that the ice and snow would kill my satellite feed, but alas, the Rose God was not merciful, and the entire thing recorded. The promos show a lot of people crying. Why? IDK. I don’t ask questions any more. Pour a drink. Here we go. So we left last week with everyone in Khao Lak, Thailand. … Continue reading Elyse Watches the Bachelor–S23 E6: Group Dates Kinda Suck→
CW/TW: Discussions of rape. It’s Monday, the worst night of the week. There is rum in my Coke and sadness in my heart, because it’s time for The Bachelor… This episode went by really quickly and not much about it was light hearted or funny, so this recap may feel a bit different in tone. If you haven’t read any of my recaps or watched any of the episodes, SNL has done an admirable job … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S23 E04: Singapore→
We’ve reached the point in the year where I watch The Bachelor so you don’t have to, an act of charity that requires the consumption of alcohol. (These are our archives, in case you need a few hundred thousand words of horror-tinged hilarity as a distraction today.) This year might actually break me. This season’s Bachelor, Colton, is a virgin, a fact that has been mentioned approximately eleventy billion times in the previews I’ve seen. I’ve … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S23 E01: Happy Fucking Birthday→
Happy Monday (or Tuesday when you read this, I guess) everyone. It’s time for The Bachelor. There’s a massive ice storm going on outside right now, one that’s projected to cause widespread power outages, so earlier today I messaged the other Bitches to let them know that there was a tiny chance I’d miss tonight’s episode and they’d have to pinch hit. I got the following replies: RHG: If nominated, I will not run. If elected, … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor – Episode 8: Mhmmm→
It’s Monday night and I could be watching all kinds of cool things like Cloverfield Paradox or paint drying, but instead I’m watching Arie, the most boring Bachelor ever, so you don’t have to. The two most “controversial” contestants are still on the show. That would be Krystal, who has been stirring up drama and who whisper talks to Arie so I have to rewind every time she says something to try and figure out what’s … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor-Episode Six: My Heart is Gonna Fall Out of My Ass→
I had a great weekend. I went shopping with my best friend. I slept in. I read books. I came home tonight, and had a nice hot shower to relax my muscles. I exfoliated. I moisturized. And I’m about to undo all that self-care by watching The Bachelor. For those of you just tuning in, walking Dude Wipe and “racecar driver” Arie Luyendyk Jr is this season’s Bachelor. He’s got as much enthusiasm for the show than I … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor- Episode Five: The Bowling Ball→
It’s that time of week when I watch The Bachelor and recap it so you don’t have to put this stuff in your eyeballs. I’d like to point out that after close scrutiny of Arie, I’ve come to the conclusion that this man is dead inside. I mean, look at those eyes. There’s nothing in there. He’ll be happy to let the ABC producers pick this season’s winner because after Emily rejected his Feelings Journal, he’s … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor–Episode 2: Grandpa Cardigan→
