Book Review

The Billionaire Dinosaur Forced Me Gay Part Two by Hunter Fox

You can all thank Theresa Romain for pointing out to me that there was a sequel to The Billionaire Dinosaur Forced Me Gay. If you haven’t read the review for part one go do that because I’m not explaining twice how dinosaurs took over the world economy.

I found that part two of the erotic tug-of-war between dinosaur Oliver Anderson (yes, his fucking name is Oliver Anderson and he’s a dinosaur) and human John was as disappointing as the first. Once again, rather than explore the nuances in human/dinosaur interpersonal relationships, Mr. Fox took the easy way out and as a result this book is largely about Oliver forcing his giant reptilian penis into John’s rectum. More questions were raised than were answered, and I think that 3500 words were hardly enough for convincing world building and character growth.

This book opens with John looking for revenge against his former boss, Oliver. Oliver is a billionaire dinosaur tycoon (I know, another tycoon book) who previously discarded John after he used him sexually.

Running parallel to Oliver and John’s crumbling relationship, overall human/dino relations are suffering as well:

For years we had remained peaceful with the beasts but mostly recently there had been subtle changes which were undeniable. Segregation that was favoring them instead of us humans now. College graduates who were dinosaurs had the option to attend two ceremonies, one for the entire university and another only for dinosaurs. Humans weren’t allowed inside nor did we have the equivalent of the same ceremony. It started off small with instances like that, soon moving into bigger segregation. Dinosaur’s votes in elections began counting as more than human votes. Their case of course was that they were an older species, therefore much wiser. Soon enough humans were only allowed to walk to work and school, dinosaurs controlled all motorways and air traffic. Their argument was that it was unsafe for humans to drive or fly on the same roadways as the behemoth creatures like T-Rex and Brachiosaurus. The dinosaur lawyers who in the end won the Supreme Court case, claimed it was all for our own safety. Again we fell to them and took what we could.

You guys have no idea how hard it was for me to retype that quote and NOT correct the glaring grammar errors. Also apparently people are flying on motorways now.

Anyway, it got worse:

Television shows were no longer portraying human families in sitcoms. Every show had replaced the homo sapien actors with our prehistoric “friends.” New Girl was now starring Zed Le’Frank a female Spinosaurus. Mad Men became almost unwatchable due to the fact that Don Draper was now played by a flamboyant Velcoiraptor. Game of Thrones was made up of an entire cast of Triceratops, all of whom had never even acted before.

Wow. First they came for the graduation ceremonies, and I did not speak out because I was not a graduate. Then they came for the voters, and I did not speak out because I hate Super Tuesday. Then they came for the motorways, and I did not speak out for I had a revoked license. Then they came for Zooey Deschanel–and that was just too fucking much.

Anyway, John discovers that Oliver wasn’t content taking over the financial world. Oh no, he’s going to revolutionize space travel now too, and is going into space. I’m not sure if that was a subtle poke at Richard Branson, but whatever.

Let’s all take a minute to reflect on the fact that this book involves a guy fucking a dinosaur in space. Have you questioned the life choice that brought you to this review yet? Good.

So John comes up with a plan to somehow get vengeance on Oliver, although that plan is never explained because we call came here for the dino butt-fucking so who cares. John steals a uniform and sneaks aboard the spaceship. Oliver finds him and once again there is dubiously consensual sex and a sea of dino jizz:

He let out a massive roar as he began to get closer and closer to climax, moving my ass up and down on his slick T-Rex cock. With one arm, he reached up and held my neck, choking me while he fucked me. It felt so good even though I was losing my breath. I deserved every bit of this and would have done anything at this point to please Oliver. Suddenly he let out another roar, shooting his massive load of dinosaur cum inside of me.

I think we’ve reached the zenith of digital publishing, folks. Once the words “shooting his massive load of dinosaur cum inside of me” are available to downloaded to your e-reader for just $2.99, humanity has no work left to do.

Someday the sentient lemur-species that replaces us after our extinction will look upon this as the moment human culture reached it’s apex and began to die.

But I take issue with all of this.

First of all, the structure of the spaceship was never discussed. I mean, if this book takes place in an alternate reality present day, I have to assume it’s a space shuttle but how the fuck does a dinosaur fit on that? I’m guessing it’s a really big space shuttle? But then how does John sneak on board? For a dinosaur billionaire tycoon and a fucking space program, they have the shakiest security ever.

Also there’s somehow artificial gravity on this spaceship. That or the author thought a T-Rex billionaire space entrepreneur forcibly sodomizing a man in zero-g would be just too much for the audience to handle. I actually just assume Mr. Fox may have been so enraptured at the thought of a sea of dino jizz that he just forgot gravity was a thing.

One mystery that was solved was what kind of dinosaur Oliver is. In the first book he remains a shadowy emotionally bereft mystery man, the reptilian version of Christian Grey (except honestly I liked him more). Now we know he’s a T-Rex.

Of course, this makes the sex impossible, in my humble opinion.

I know, I know, you’re all like “Elyse, how can you be so critical of the anatomical plausibility of a T-Rex and a human man having anal sex? Is there no end to your skepticism?”

Look, we don’t know how big dino dicks were. I touched on that last time. Sure, John refers to Oliver’s penis as being massive, but he offers no frame of reference. So is it massive in comparison to a human penis or massive in comparison to a sequoia? I mean, maybe it’s just big by John’s standards, and therefore plausible that it wouldn’t, say, kill him when it’s forced into his anus.

Grabber Device But in this sex scene, Oliver picks John up and forces him up and down on his penis and I call bullshit. How do his teeny T-Rex arms even manage that? Shenanigans, I tell you. Unless maybe he was using two of those grabber devices you get after back surgery. Even then, with all the lube, you’d think it’d be pretty slippery. And yes, Oliver just conveniently carries lube everywhere. Even into space, apparently.

Once again, I’m forced to fail another gay dino-erotica book. The author’s clear lack of research into space travel and refusal to address salmonella poisoning made the story of a T-Rex billionaire choking a dude while butt-fucking him just too unbelievable. Zero stars.

 

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A Billionaire Dinosaur Forced Me Gay: Part Two by Hunter Fox

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  1. Kayli says:

    It’s ba-ack!

  2. Giedre says:

    Choked on my morning coffee about 4 times… good job! :))

  3. Lliira says:

    This review nearly killed me. I couldn’t breathe, I was laughing so hard. These books are a blessing, because now the following has been written: “Once the words “shooting his massive load of dinosaur cum inside of me” are available to downloaded to your e-reader for just $2.99, humanity has no work left to do.”

  4. There’s a Part 3, right?

    Where John has their baby, I mean. Just like Ana and Christian!

  5. Mik says:

    I had the good sense to set the coffee DOWN until I finished reading the review. Thank goodness.

  6. Wow, just wow. Not only did this guy write one book, but two. I mean, really. Thanks for the great review. 🙂

  7. GHN says:

    Are there really anyone who actually read that kind of craptacular books? Except for you, Elyse, so that we don’t have to! And I am ever so grateful for that.
    And I am also deeply grateful for another book roast! I’ve had a spectacularly crappy week (and last week was, apart from the SBTB anniversary contest, just as bad) and something to tickle my funnybone was desperately needed!

  8. marjorie says:

    I love you and want to have all your t-rex babies. Out my butt. THIS WAS BRILL.

  9. Lostshadows says:

    Please tell me I’m not the only one picturing Oliver getting the stink eye from the other passengers for the rest of the trip, as yet another globule of escaped Dino cum goes floating past.

  10. LauraL says:

    “Someday the sentient lemur-species that replaces us after our extinction will look upon this as the moment human culture reached it’s apex and began to die.”

    This had my dogs running into the room, I was laughing so hard! Thanks, once again, Elyse, for taking one for the team.

  11. Stacey says:

    I was already dying, and then you had to mention the tiny little arms! Goodbye coffee — meet keyboard!
    Thanks for making my day.

  12. Christine says:

    Your review is a masterpiece.

  13. Malin says:

    This makes me feel so much better about the twelve mediocre English oral presentations I have to assess and grade this afternoon. Yes, my remedial class of English students are pretty bad at making themselves understood in the English language, but at least my job doesn’t involve me reading books involving T-Rex sodomy.

    I’m totally picturing him using a grabber device with his tiny little hands to hold John in place. It adds even more hilarity to the situation.

  14. Amanda says:

    Love this review so much and your right, it is the T-Rex arms that really makes you question the believability of the story.

  15. Bethany says:

    And in case your taste turns to the hetero, Mr. Fox apparently has a sister with …suspiciously similar tastes:

    http://www.amazon.com/Taken-By-Billionaire-Dinosaur-Jurassic-ebook/dp/B00QU637KI/ref=pd_sim_sbs_kstore_5?ie=UTF8&refRID=0CM0C8X09Y3PE0QV96NH

  16. Shawny says:

    How about the simple question of where Oliver keeps his lube? The cover art seems to imply that dinosaurs, as advanced as they are, are still eschewing clothes and therefore pockets. So just where does the lube come from? And just how big is a T Rex cock that he can lube it up with his tiny T Rex arms? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

  17. Maria says:

    Even though I’m sure reading dino-erotica probably kills a little bit of your soul every time, I have to admit that I love your reviews. They’re utterly brilliant and just what I need to start the day right!

  18. Tsuki says:

    So I get to read reviews for my job so this is research! I have to say this review made me start laughing in the middle of the library. So thank you for breaking up my Wednesday morning.

  19. Jodi says:

    The bit about John being yanked up and down Oliver’s penis made me audibly wonder “How large is John’s sphincter again?!?”

  20. denise says:

    rotflmbo

  21. Elinor Aspen says:

    When you got to the paragraph about tiny T-Rex arms, I immediately thought of this image that made the rounds a couple years ago:

  22. chacha1 says:

    “Have you questioned the life choice that brought you to this review yet? Good.”

    How could I NOT read this review? Seriously!

  23. I want to say something, but I’m left speechless…and my sides hurt from laughing.

  24. Amanda6 says:

    I love that this is far enough in the future that
    a) there are spaceships
    b) dinosaurs mostly rule the world
    c) flying on motorways
    etc

    but New Girl, Mad Men, and Game of Thrones are also on the air? Raptor, please! George R. R. Martin does NOT have that many books left in him.

  25. I hope they come out with more sequels just so I can read the your reviews.

  26. Lina says:

    Seriously, that review was funny and heartfelt. I truly am questioning what life choices have you deciding to read this crazy train of ebook erotica.
    Is this brilliant satire or bogus sh$$ we are now addicted to ? What happened to the weird old school ménage train wrecks of days gone by? Either way Elyse you are a funny and brilliant writer. Thanks for this livening up this Wednesday.

  27. Al Ammons says:

    Zero (0) stars? Way, way too generous. If I vaguely remember, I did read (at least part of) the first part and put it away – except to tell friends of the strange stuff being “published” these days.
    The review I would give at least 9 stars. A bit too forgiving for a full 10.

  28. harthad says:

    See, now, I thought the zenith (or nadir?) had arrived with the book about the were-cuttlefish gay gang-bang with the tourist. Apparently we have new depths to plump (hur).

  29. Cate M. says:

    Oliver is a billionaire dinosaur tycoon (I know, another tycoon book)

    This is the point where I started LOL-crying, and I haven’t recovered yet.

  30. kirkm says:

    This is exactly why I read this blog. Thank you for jumping on this grenade, ensuring we don’t have to.

  31. Kate says:

    Elyse, I salute you. (Not with teeny-tiny, T-Rex arms).

  32. Zyfsv says:

    Because of this review I think I have damage no therapist or amount of Ben & Jerry’s can ever undo….. Whitney Fox, (seriously he couldn’t come up with a better fake name), has a book on Amazon that popped up under the “If you liked this, you will like…” called The Evil Pegasus wants my Ass. Clearly the lemurs have won and humanity is no more.

  33. Amelia says:

    I wanted to start with a “O holy sh***” but I decided that since the book is already here, no more sh**s are needed. Anyhow… One is just left to wonder what the heck sat in the mind of the author when this book was “committed” and I use this word with cold precision. But since I’ve had some laugh – I guess reading the synopsis was worth it!

  34. A confession: SBTB’s original dino-rotica review (of Ravished by the Triceratops, if I recall correctly) sparked the conversation that ended up giving me the courage to start submitting my work for publication. My friends and I started cracking jokes about how there must be some bizarre new niche we could write in, but later that night I started thinking seriously. I’d been writing as a hobby on and off for most of my life, and I’d convinced myself I could never get my fiction published – but then I thought “Someone’s writing THAT and there are people who actually buy it. Whatever I write, however bad it is, it can’t possibly be anywhere near the worst story out there. So I might as well try.”

    So: thanks, SBTB! (I suppose thanks are in order to Christie Sims and Alara Branwen, too, in a weird sort of way.)

  35. SB Sarah says:

    @Althea:

    I think that’s so excellent. Keep writing!!

  36. Meg DesCamp says:

    As soon as you got to the, um, dinosaur arms as pertains to sex play part, I thought about this t-shirt: T-Rex Hates Plank
    https://img1.etsystatic.com/030/0/5874462/il_570xN.592599771_ebm2.jpg (hope this link works; if not, use your imagination…big t-rex nose, short arms, plank position)
    This might have been the most laugh-out-loud review ever. A million thank yous!

  37. Jilli says:

    Christ on a bike Elyse, I nearly died reading this review, I laughed that hard. Good job. I really hope for two things:
    1) That we find out that Oliver Anderson is not a T-rex because I will never be able to wear my ‘I am unstoppable’ t-shirt again, and
    2) That Mr. Fox keep writing these tales because you’ll keep reading them and write us hilarious reviews.

  38. All I could think of was Reptar from Rugrats (I guess that is slightly less scarring than picturing Barney) forcing some dude to have sex with him.

  39. Rhoda Baxter says:

    Hilarious. That’s the funniest thing I’ve read all week. I’m off to read the review of the previous book now.

  40. Jess says:

    Just so you’re aware, there’s a completely separate book that ALSO features gay dinosaurs in space (raptors, this time). I’m both delighted and concerned.

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