Book Review

Tempest in Time by Eugenia Riley

DNF

Title: Tempest in Time
Author: Eugenia Riley
Publication Info: Avon November 1994
ISBN: 978-0062025340
Genre: Time Travel

So after we tore apart Fabio’s Viking, I decided to see what his ghostwriter, Eugenia Riley, could do when not hampered by Fabio’s weird cholesterol fetish.  The result was… not pretty. 

But I couldn’t do this review on my own, so I called in some help.

Photobucket

Jeremy Renner.  BECAUSE HIS FACE.

You’re WELCOME, Bitchery.

First off, this fucking ebook was typeset in COURIER.  COURIER. 


Photobucket


So the premise is that we have Missy, a modern woman in 1992 Memphis who runs her parents’ ball bearing plant, who is about to get married to Jeff, who runs his parents’ tubing plant.  (Monroe Ball Bearing and Dalton Steel Tubing.  Yeah.) They are getting married because… it’s not all that clear, because neither of them like the other one, it just seems like a good idea ot have a merger of the two families. 

Missy describes herself as a modern, liberated woman who one the one hand wishes she and Jeff could have a passionate, knock down, drag out fight about anything, but on the other says she would never put up with that shit because she’s… a modern liberated woman. 

Photobucket

 

Jeff can never love again because his One True Love died in a car crash when he was in college right after they had sex and he hates Missy but will never love again so he may as well get married to someone.  (She tries to seduce him the night before the wedding and he gets all angry about it.)  (The line “What if her stud was a dud?” was actually in the book.)

 

Photobucket

 

At the same time, except 140 years before, Missy’s distant cousin Melissa is also on the eve of her wedding, to a neighboring plantation owner because they contracted the marriage at her birth.  She is a total milksop, with no spine, no opinions, and is terrified of all the things.  She’s so fucking boring, she makes plain yogurt look exciting as fuck.  Her intended, Fabian Fontenot (yes, really), is an Alphole of the first order who yells and bellows at her just to get a reaction, and when that reaction is to cry and run away, he gets angry, because he wants a knock down drag out fight.  (Also her mother has a weird sexual vibe with her daughter’s fiancé that is gross, like, “I’d take your place on the wedding night if I could” type of things.  Ew.)

 

Photobucket

 

 

Both Missy and Melissa look exactly alike, but Melissa is five years younger.  Missy has a picture of Melissa in her wedding dress, and had the dress copied exactly for her wedding and you can see where this shit is going, right? 

 

Photobucket

 

Right before Melissa’s wedding, her father installed a malachite stone in the newel post which came from an Egyptian amulet that some relative stole from, well, Egypt, I guess.  It’s still there on Missy’s wedding day, and both of them, at the same time but 140 years apart, trip on their skirts, fall down the stairs and whack their heads on the newel post after think “I wish I were anywhere but here.” 

 

Photobucket

 

They both wake up in the other one’s life, freaking out over the new set of parents and the concerned fiancés.  It’s seriously ridiculous.  Well, Jeff is concerned because he’s concerned, and Fabian the Jackass just thinks Melissa deliberately fell down the stairs so she wouldn’t have to marry him.  He storms and rages around her bedchamber a bunch and is generally, a well, a jackass.

 

Photobucket

 

So in 1992, they try to get Melissa to a hospital, but she is terrified by the ambulance and thinks it’s a monster that’s going to eat her.  Jeff, the milksop fiance, argues against the need to get her head injury checked out because, he asks, “Do you have any proof that this concussion or blood clot even exists?” Jeff pursued.  No, you idiot.  That’s what the head CT is for. GOD. 

 

Photobucket

 

In 1852, the doctor tries to approach Missy with what Riley calls a leech, but what she’s really describing is a lancet or a scarificator.  I mean, leeches don’t have small blades. 

 

Photobucket

 

Long story short, both women realize what’s happened by finding calanders or newspapers. Both girls pretend like they have amnesia because it’s easier than the truth. Both sets of parents like the new version of their daughter better. Missy’s parents wanted a quieter, docile daughter, and Melissa’s parents are all like “WOOOOO SHE HAS SPIRIT NOW”

 

Photobucket

 

Melissa excuses herself to the library to read up on the “lost years” and- seriously- the 1992 parents spend hours listening to her shriek and yell over everything that has happened in the intervening 140 years.

Seriously:

“All morning long, the house rang with the sound of her shrieks.  Her hysterical comments ranged from “My stars, electricity!” to “Heavens, men walking on the moon!” to “Forevermore a doomsday bomb!” to “Great Jumping Jehoshaphat, a machine that washes dishes!””

 

Photobucket

 

In each time, people comment that Missy looks “exactly five years older” and Melissa looks “Exactly five years younger!”  now, I don’t know about you, but other than weight changes, my face didn’t change much in the years between 20 and 25.  And EVERYONE keeps commenting on it. 

Missy refuses to reschedule the wedding to Fabian the Asshole, even though they’ve been contracted to marry since “her” birth.  So he decides to start over on the courting (but enjoying the fact that she’ll argue with him, rather than just acquiesce and then cry).  He takes her out on the town to Memphis, where first she ruminates on the fact that slaves exist and then seems to ignore it, and then they go to a restaurant. 

Fabian the Dillhole orders food for her, including fried chicken.  And Eugenia Riley, proving something, but I don’t know what, has Missy freak the fuck out over… 

“Fried chicken!” Missy gasped.  “Haven’t you ever heard of cholesterol?”

I swear to god, you guys, my thought process when deciding to read something by Riley was “let’s see what she can do when not hampered by Fabio’s weird obsession with cholesterol.”  I WAS NOT ACTUALLY EXPECTING THIS.

 

Photobucket

 

Then she basically accuses Fabian of being too wrapped up in his honor for some reason I don’t care about, and he gets all offended, and then this happens:

“Very well, you have honor.  Good grief, Fabian the way you’re carrying on, you’d think I called you gay-“
“Gay? But I try to be gay as often as possible-“

 

Photobucket

 

At the same time (kind of…) Melissa and Jeff are falling in love the way milksops do.  It’s so boring.  There’s ice cream involved. 

“His voice trembled as he whispered, “Lift the ice cream to your mouth darling… that’s good.  Now stick out your tongue…run it over the shaft of….my god, you’re an angel.”

 

Photobucket

 

Can I remind you all that this is all set in COURIER.

Missy and Fabian the Numbnuts go to visit their very best friends, three other couples they constantly hang out wife.  Missy does not approve of the convention where the men and women separate after dinner and is super rude to her friends and this is the point where I put my ipad down, very carefully piled up my down comforter and very gently threw my ipad into the pile of down. 

 

Photobucket

 

This is the closest I could come to wallbanging this wallbanger.  You guys know that I usually finish everything, right?  I’ve had ONE DNF in all my reviews up to this point, and I, the Sin Eater, the girl who cannot resist this shit, made it through THIRTY SEVEN PERCENT OF THIS BOOK.

 

Photobucket

 

Missy is the most unlikeable so-called heroine I’ve ever read.  She has NO redeeming qualities and watching her verbally bitchslap everyone she meets for no reason whatsoever is boring and stupid. 

Fabian is an alpha without a cause and stalks and blusters and blows and ugh.  Like every other alphole but worse. 

Jeff is a passive boring stupid fuck. 

And Melissa?  Uncooked French toast is more interesting than she is. 

Seriously, you have to WORK to make these people so awful.  Maybe this plot could work with better writing and characters that anyone gives a shit about.  But we’ll never know.  I feel really bad, because I was really really hoping that on her own, Riley could write a good book.  I felt like there was a hint of a good writer in Viking, but there is NO evidence that that writer was Riley. 

 

Photobucket

 

So, in conclusion, I give you a gif of Renner’s butt:

 

Photobucket

And a gif of arm porn:

Photobucket

Annnnnnnd some abs. 

Photobucket

And here’s this:

Photobucket

You’re welcome.

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Anony Miss says:

    Oh RHG. My face is all red from grinning at your review (and certainly NOT from that last gif of a writhing… no, not that at all).

    (fans self)

    That said, I WOULD love you to skip ahead and read the last chapter. I never DNF – I may just skip 300 pages in the middle.

  2. 2
    StarOpal says:

    Poor RHG, too bad that it was too bad. That said, loved the review told in gif! I love Jeremy Renner.

  3. 3
    Sandy James says:

    Review? What review? All I saw were pictures.

  4. 4
    Maggiemay0036 says:

    Yes. What Sandy said. (‘scuse me, have to go adjust the AC thermostat. DOWN.)

  5. 5
    Catherine says:

    That was only 37 percent of the book? What the … How much more could actually by jammed in there?

    BUT … 37 percent of the book, 100 percent of Jeremy Renner. Swoon.

  6. 6
    Sarah W says:

    I love Renner and his lovely muppet face and his talent and humor and arms . . . .

    So, was there going to be a review of a book or something in this post?

  7. 7
    Michelle W. says:

    Best Facial Review ever & then there was the writhing—sprinkles on top! “-)

  8. 8
    Ashlyn Macnamara says:

    So are you saying they should have let Fabio write his own book and it might have been halfway decent?

  9. 9
    Michelle says:

    Awesome review, I really want to see Avengers now, who doesn’t love a man who knows his way around a bow and arrows?

    Anyone else have a flash regarding the description of leeches?  I so want modified leeches with tiny blades- I mean how perfect for a steampunk novel?!

  10. 10
    Shawny Jean says:

    I laughed so hard I may have woken up my husband when I got to the bit about the ice cream. I imagine it like two nerdy high school kids with thick glasses and braces trying to make out like they’ve seen people do it on TV. Stuff gets broken, someone’s hair gets pulled, and ultimately parents have to be called because their braces fuse together. In other words – it starts out sweet and ends up a not so hot mess.

  11. 11
    Beccah W. says:

    This was a spectacular review! The book sounds so awful I’m genuinely confused how it even got published. Thank you for the Renner…it made my morning.

  12. 12
    Beccah W. says:

    Ok, just checked Amazon…there are way more “great” reviews than “bad ones”, and it seems that Riley’s other books include “timeswept brides” as well. Hmm…

  13. 13
    ppyajunebug says:

    Oh my god, this review.  FLAWLESS USE OF THE RENNER GIFS.  I almost want to read this, except I don’t, because if you couldn’t finish it, I highly doubt I could…

    Challenge.  Accepted.

  14. 14
    BitsyRavenclaw says:

    Catherine, that 37% comment echoes my thoughts exactly.

    It all sounds awful. Sucks that RHG got fooled the potential for a decent book, but thanks for taking the hit and providing us with a wonderfully hilarious rendition of a truly horrible book.

  15. 15
    Zulma says:

    RHG, you absolutely rock! What a review :)

  16. 16
    KarenH. says:

    So…. what if it turns out Fabio was the good writer in that duo? 

  17. 17
    KarenH. says:

    Dang it.  I meant to tag end that comment with [End_Courier]

  18. 18
    Jessica D says:

    That? Was possibly the greatest review I’ve ever seen.

    And is anyone else craving a Jeremy Renner/Martin Freeman expression GIF-off right now?

  19. 19

    Good lord. All reviews should involve Jeremy Renner. <3 And I would give that man a large bucket of money to say SHUT YOUR MOUTH.

  20. 20
    Karenmc says:

    There were words in this review? *must re-read when Renner images have faded*

  21. 21
    Momtojuju says:

    Love it. That is all, really made my crappy morning better

  22. 22
    Iliketosparkle says:

    Jeremy Renner – definitely beats coffee as the best part of waking up…

  23. 23

    It’s loanable. 

  24. 24

    @Karenmc: the Renner gifs never fade.  NEVER.  It’s a beautiful thing. 

    Like, I feel a little bad trashing this as hard as I did, but I really wanted to like it!  I really did!  I’m SO disappointed but hey.  Butts.

  25. 25
    D.L. says:

    thank you

  26. 26
    Laura says:

    Wow.  This book…I…don’t even know…

    But 37%! That’s it? I admire you for making it that far.

    And the Renner GIFs help. :)

  27. 27
    Lyra Archer says:

    Now I want to live in a world where Renner gifs come standard in all my books. I don’t think I can go back to just words on a page if he’s not there to comment like a delectable greek chorus.

  28. 28
    katherinelynn_04 says:

    This is possibly the best thing that will happen all week. Jeremy Renner GIFS? Genius. I would like to propose that this now be standard book report style!

  29. 29
    Kelly says:

    I am in awe, Redheadedgirl. You’re my new hero – especially for that last gif. ESPECIALLY for that last gif.

  30. 30
    snarkhunter says:

    Just…beautiful.

Comments are closed.

↑ Back to Top