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Title: The Bodyguards' Princess
Author: Ann Mayburn
Publication Info: Honey Mountain Publishing August 2013
ISBN: 9781301494903
Genre: Erotica/Erotic Romance
The Bodyguards' Princess raised more questions than it answered, chief among them “WTF is going on here?” and “Why am I still reading this?” The answer to the latter is because of you, my lovely Smart Bitch community. You're welcome.
Basically this book is a menage romance with some suspense elements and some random BDSM shit thrown in at the end. And hypnosis. I never totally understood what was going on or why and I gave up trying to make sense of the plot altogether. The heroine, Lalita isn't a princess either. She's the daughter of a diplomat on the United Nations Security Council. Her dad has made enemies with a terrorist group known as the anarchists. At first every time I read “the anarchists” I assumed the author was talking about anarchists in general. I thought terrorist groups capitalized their names? Whatever. The anarchists hate Lalita's dad and want to destroy him so they do what you would expect them to.
They plant a car bomb under his car? No.
The kidnap Lalita's dad and torture him? No.
The hypnotize his daughter to become aroused to the point of pain every time she hears the word “bitch”? DING DING DING! We have a motherfucking winner! Suck it, Trebeck.
So if, like me, you want to know how hypnotizing Lalita to get all horny will do fuckall to destroy her dad, the answer is I don't know. Maybe to humiliate her dad by turning Lalita into a giant horn-dog? Also they hypnotize her to steal UN secrets. Wonder how she got those UN secrets? I don't know. I don't know if dad just leaves his office unlocked all fucking day with a bunch of papers marked “TOP SEKRIT” in red Sharpie on his desk or maybe over dinner he tells Lalita, “Hey, eat your broccoli. Oh, BTW, wanna know some top-secret UN shit?” They hypnotize her because fuck you, that's why. That's the best I can come up with.
So now she's framed for spilling UN secrets and the world thinks she's working with terrorists or some shit like that. So dad hires two really hot bodyguards, Kent and Asher, to hide Lalita until they can get shit sorted out.
Except every time Lalita hears the word “bitch,” which is apparently frequently, she starts writhing around on the floor moaning and dry humping and the bodyguards are all like “OH SHIT. She's horny! We must do something!” So, they get her off. Obvs.
Incidentally Kent and Asher read as largely interchangeable to me, so I'm referring to them as Kasher from now on to save time.
So one of them knows something about hypnosis from his previous jobs (as what? A magician's assistant?) and realizes that obviously Lalita has been hypnotized to be super horny because that is the most reasonable fucking answer ever. And Lalita gives them permission to “alleviate her symptoms” if you will which is great because Kasher has had the hots for her all along.
I mean:
“Her little pussy was so hot against me. It felt like a buttery soft oven.”
Because when I think of appliances I think of butter and softness. Right.
Oh, and when Kasher calls Lalita's dad to tell him she's okay, he's not home, so they talk to the housekeeper. AND TELL HER FUCKING EVERYTHING. Like, “Well, we've got Lalita at this address and we're here and probably gonna take a nap with our guns in the next room so ya 'know, just pass that along okay?” SO OF COURSE SHE'S A TRAITOR.
Worst. Bodyguards. Ever.
So then they are on the run and there is much, much smexing and then Kasher tells Lalita that they love her and want to be her men. Because apparently they were both in the military stationed abroad, and their wives were friends and went shopping together and were gunned down and killed during a gang shootout at a mall. And then they were super sad and in their grief realized they loved each other, and the military kicked them out and they've been searching for the one woman they can share. And also they are both doms.
Because fuck you, that's why.
And somehow this all winds up with them having to go to sex club to find the leader of the lowercase anarchists because did I mention that the anarchists are all made up of fetishists? There's one lady who acts like a dog, and a Nurse Nancy (maybe she's also the dog?), and I don't even know anymore, okay? I mean, there was this:
David knelt next to Nancy and began to plunge the dog bone in and out of her ass like a man churning butter.
Like a man churning butter. WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BUTTER REFERENCES DURING SEX IN THIS BOOK?
So Lalita and Kasher are domming it up in the club, and working on breaking her hypnosis trigger, and then one of them gets all asshurt during sex because he feels left out, and then Lalita runs away because she just can deal with this right now. She needs to focus on her music or something emo like that. So of course she gets kidnapped by the anarchists and they are going to make her a sex slave or something.
But a friend of hers who is also a cross-dresser that works at the sex club is there with his sub wife, and they help Kasher rescue her and now everyone is happy.
So. To sum everything up:
1. Sexual Hypnosis
2. Butter
3. Fuck you, that's why.
This book is available from Goodreads | Amazon | BN | Sony | Kobo | All Romance eBooks.
Because butter makes everything better.
Um…I mean…I just…wow…
Thank you, Elyse, sincerely, from the bottom of my hot, buttery heart, thank you.
The F reviews are the BEST. HA!
But you churn butter by turning a handle on a churn. Not by thumping it up and down. So was he…ooh, I’ve got a horrible mental image now of someone having a bone rotated in their ass like the handle of a music box…
I was thinking that this is what happens when you’re trying to write erotica while on a low-fat diet.
I’m crying right now, and it’s all your fault. (BTW, re butter churning, I think the old fashioned way involving plunging a stick up and down into a barrel? Which… still is not remotely sexy.)
When we wrote the first book, Beyond Heaving Bosoms, we did a spoof ad for Romance Novel Mouthwash, which guarantees you’ll never have morning breath, just like romance characters.
I think we may need to expand our product line to include Butt Butter, available in Soft Oven and Churn the Dog Bone varieties.
Thank you Sarah, I so needed that laugh!
Beautiful review. Beautiful. “The lowercase anarchists.” priceless.
I almost choked on my breakfast reading this!
Well done. haha *wipes away tears*
Butter? Last Tango in Paris. That’s all I’m saying.
Maybe the terrorists were e.e. cummings fans?
And as I typed that, I just realized how appropriate his last name is for a book like this.
I’m pretty sure that’s bacon, not butter. Although butter is teh awesome.
In any case, Elyse, I thank you. And I’m pretty sure “the lowercase anarchists” will be my band name.
Did Miley Cyrus just enter the world of literature?
Awesome review. LOL comments. Thanks, everyone!!
Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew.
Ew.
I can’t believe it’s not…
oh, wait.
Nevermind..
faboo review!
😉
SB wrote: “I think we may need to expand our product line to include Butt Butter, available in Soft Oven and Churn the Dog Bone varieties.”
I know in the Black Lace erotic novel DARKER THAN LOVE by Kristina Lloyd, butter was used as a lubricant for one character’s first time with anal sex. I just hope that if they double-dipped, they didn’t use it for meals later. (“Which end of this should I *not* use on my toast?”)
As for the book being reviewed, I’m amazed that plot has never been used in a porno before. And if it’s too dumb for porn, that bodes ill for books.
I’m having a crap day, so thank you very much for some belly laughs! 🙂
I have read far too many books that beg the question “Why am I reading this?”
The answer, almost always, is “Because it was free and I am ridiculously broke/bored.”
I’m a little sad that none of them managed to at least include giggle-worthy references to butter (or any other bizarre food references).
Well… hold on. No, in some cases I am really glad there were no bizarre food references. That has a lot of potential for trauma. Something to laugh at would have been nice, however.
Stop it! Stop it! My sides hurt and I can’t see the screen coz my eyes are all blurry!
Because fuck you, that’s why.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha..
Whoa! Did this author owe this book to the publisher? I mean…Really. I don’t know what to say.
Whoa! Did this author owe this book to the publisher? I mean…Really. I don’t know what to say.
I would bet money this started out as fanfic, and I’m pretty sure I know which fandom, too. And it’s not Twilight.
Holy shit-bisquits, I laughed SO hard during this review that I’m now convinced my face is broke.
@Ova… Which fandom? Cuz I’m drawing a blank.
My guess? Paula Deen has a lot of time on her hands these days …
But was it the very best butter?
There is an actual lube named Boy Butter………just sayin’.
What song would that music box play?
My co-worker just came to check on me because, in trying not to laugh so loud, she thought I might be dying.
Thanks for the excessive laughs – I so needed it today!
Best. Review. Ever. Lol
Oh hell yes, this is why the F reviews are my favorite.
Thanks, Elyse, for the best birthday present so far. Or actually, the only birthday present so far, but let’s not split hairs (or churn butter).
PS @Jen – the music box would play Wind Beneath My Wings. Why? …
Thanks for taking one for the team Elyse. Will skip this one. What a waste of a tree.
@Teresa – Or electrons as the case may be.
@KellyM:
Happy Birthday!!!!
@Ova:
please please please tell us which fandom because butter.
I can’t even . . . Nope, still laughing like a loon over here!
Thanks Elyse for reviewing this, all for our entertainment. You deserve some chocolate . . . butter flavored chocolate. . . Because fuck you, that’s why! 😀
See, when I come across horrible books like this, I end up just DNFing them, which is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing for obvious reasons, but a curse because I miss out on all the WTFery firsthand. 🙂
Also, I may never be able to look at my dog’s bones the same way again . . . Annnnd that doesn’t sound fucked up does it? LOL
Enjoy!
TBQ
I literally laughed so hard I cried while reading this review to my husband. Amazeballs.
Applause all around, for the review and the comments! Thanks for making my day! 🙂
I was pondering the dog bone part, slightly horrified, wondering the type of bone, and then I think I came to a conclusion, and now I am completely horrified.
Could you imagine if that lady had a dog. “Sorry, sweetie, this pack of dog bones is for mama.” *wink wink* Gahh! Oh god!! Or if she didn’t! And she was at the pet store and the clerk asked what kind of dog she had and she replied, “I don’t.” *wink wink*
My dog is currently wondering why I’m giving her the sad, cringe-y face.