The Bodyguards' Princess raised more questions than it answered, chief among them “WTF is going on here?” and “Why am I still reading this?” The answer to the latter is because of you, my lovely Smart Bitch community. You're welcome.
Basically this book is a menage romance with some suspense elements and some random BDSM shit thrown in at the end. And hypnosis. I never totally understood what was going on or why and I gave up trying to make sense of the plot altogether. The heroine, Lalita isn't a princess either. She's the daughter of a diplomat on the United Nations Security Council. Her dad has made enemies with a terrorist group known as the anarchists. At first every time I read “the anarchists” I assumed the author was talking about anarchists in general. I thought terrorist groups capitalized their names? Whatever. The anarchists hate Lalita's dad and want to destroy him so they do what you would expect them to.
They plant a car bomb under his car? No.
The kidnap Lalita's dad and torture him? No.
The hypnotize his daughter to become aroused to the point of pain every time she hears the word “bitch”? DING DING DING! We have a motherfucking winner! Suck it, Trebeck.
So if, like me, you want to know how hypnotizing Lalita to get all horny will do fuckall to destroy her dad, the answer is I don't know. Maybe to humiliate her dad by turning Lalita into a giant horn-dog? Also they hypnotize her to steal UN secrets. Wonder how she got those UN secrets? I don't know. I don't know if dad just leaves his office unlocked all fucking day with a bunch of papers marked “TOP SEKRIT” in red Sharpie on his desk or maybe over dinner he tells Lalita, “Hey, eat your broccoli. Oh, BTW, wanna know some top-secret UN shit?” They hypnotize her because fuck you, that's why. That's the best I can come up with.
So now she's framed for spilling UN secrets and the world thinks she's working with terrorists or some shit like that. So dad hires two really hot bodyguards, Kent and Asher, to hide Lalita until they can get shit sorted out.
Except every time Lalita hears the word “bitch,” which is apparently frequently, she starts writhing around on the floor moaning and dry humping and the bodyguards are all like “OH SHIT. She's horny! We must do something!” So, they get her off. Obvs.
Incidentally Kent and Asher read as largely interchangeable to me, so I'm referring to them as Kasher from now on to save time.
So one of them knows something about hypnosis from his previous jobs (as what? A magician's assistant?) and realizes that obviously Lalita has been hypnotized to be super horny because that is the most reasonable fucking answer ever. And Lalita gives them permission to “alleviate her symptoms” if you will which is great because Kasher has had the hots for her all along.
“Her little pussy was so hot against me. It felt like a buttery soft oven.”
Because when I think of appliances I think of butter and softness. Right.
Oh, and when Kasher calls Lalita's dad to tell him she's okay, he's not home, so they talk to the housekeeper. AND TELL HER FUCKING EVERYTHING. Like, “Well, we've got Lalita at this address and we're here and probably gonna take a nap with our guns in the next room so ya 'know, just pass that along okay?” SO OF COURSE SHE'S A TRAITOR.
Worst. Bodyguards. Ever.
So then they are on the run and there is much, much smexing and then Kasher tells Lalita that they love her and want to be her men. Because apparently they were both in the military stationed abroad, and their wives were friends and went shopping together and were gunned down and killed during a gang shootout at a mall. And then they were super sad and in their grief realized they loved each other, and the military kicked them out and they've been searching for the one woman they can share. And also they are both doms.
Because fuck you, that's why.
And somehow this all winds up with them having to go to sex club to find the leader of the lowercase anarchists because did I mention that the anarchists are all made up of fetishists? There's one lady who acts like a dog, and a Nurse Nancy (maybe she's also the dog?), and I don't even know anymore, okay? I mean, there was this:
David knelt next to Nancy and began to plunge the dog bone in and out of her ass like a man churning butter.
Like a man churning butter. WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BUTTER REFERENCES DURING SEX IN THIS BOOK?
So Lalita and Kasher are domming it up in the club, and working on breaking her hypnosis trigger, and then one of them gets all asshurt during sex because he feels left out, and then Lalita runs away because she just can deal with this right now. She needs to focus on her music or something emo like that. So of course she gets kidnapped by the anarchists and they are going to make her a sex slave or something.
But a friend of hers who is also a cross-dresser that works at the sex club is there with his sub wife, and they help Kasher rescue her and now everyone is happy.
So. To sum everything up:
1. Sexual Hypnosis
3. Fuck you, that's why.