Book Review

Ravished by the Triceratops by Christie Sims and Alara Branwen

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Title: Ravished By The Triceretops
Author: Christie and Alara Branwen Sims
Publication Info: Amazon Digital Services September 2013
ISBN: B00EZCQADA
Genre: Erotica/Erotic Romance

Book Ravished by the TRiceratops When Sarah sends me an email with a link that says, “This is relevant to your interests” I should know by know that she does not have my best interests at heart.  She has YOUR best interests at heart, because y’all seem to find my head explosions entertaining.

This is, as you may be able to tell, a dinosaur (!) beastiality (!) short story (thank fuck) that is exactly what it says on the tin.  It’s a prehistoric tribe of some kind.  Our…. Heroine seems to be the wrong word here… main female character, Beliria, has just turned 18 an in order to become a fully fledged woman of the tribe she needs to go out into the wilderness naked and kill a dinosaur.

(We will pause for the obligatory “but people and dinosaurs did not co-exist!” howls.  Is this what happens when creationists who think people and dinosaurs co-existed write erotica?)  (Don’t answer that.)

Why does she need to be naked?  WHY NOT.  THERE ARE DINOSAURS.  DON’T ASK QUESTIONS. 

She decides, because she’s planning on being the awesomest, to go kill a triceratops.  Because she is no Ayla of the Clan/No People/Mamutoi/Zelandonii (look, I did that without looking it up, WOOOOOO I’m never getting those braincells back) she does not succeed and somehow manages to injure the male enough that the female decides he’s unworthy.

And so the male decides that he needs a new mate and fucks Beliria.  Look, I can’t figure out the mechanics here, because these seem to be actual triceratops-sized Triceratops, but the dick was apparently not proportional, otherwise it just wouldn’t have FIT, you know? 

And that’s the story- the sex was fantastic (….sure), she runs away, and tell her tribe that she thinks she’s found a way to trap the triceratops.  THE END.

I mean.

WHAT.

That’s a thing I actually read. 

To be fair, this didn’t drag on longer than it needed to (in as much as it needed to exist AT ALL).  It was a solid 5,200 words (that cost $3 so it’s fucking overpriced).  It had a beginning, middle, and end and not a bit more, so that’s something.  The writing itself wasn’t great but it wasn’t egregious.  Maybe there’s good stories in this author somewhere. 

BUT WHY DID THIS NEED TO EXIST.  WHY. 

AND WHY DID THE STARS ALIGN THAT SARAH FOUND OUT ABOUT IT AND THEN SENT IT TO ME?  I HAD A PERFECTLY LOVELY LIFE WITHOUT THIS KNOWLEDGE AND NOW I CAN NEVER LIVE A LIFE WHERE I DID NOT READ THIS.

Look, let me tell you. The were-hedgehog book was better.  THINK ABOUT THAT.


This book is available from Goodreads | Amazon | BN. You can read more about the dino-rotica at The Mary Sue and Jezebel, because why wouldn't you want to?

ETA: Geekologie! Geekologie was the original source of the dino-rotica. Thank you, Geekologie! 

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Genghis Mom says:

    Curse you and curse this story!! I have so many damn questions that I’m probably going to break down and BUY THE DAMN THING!! And then READ IT!!

  2. 2
    Linda says:

    Oh man! How am I gonna get that image out of my head now?

  3. 3
    Anna C. says:

    It wasn’t egregious, except for the part when a human had sex with a dinosaur. I feel like our definitions of egregious might be different. :)

  4. 4
    Kate L says:

    Now I feel bad because you just made my miserable work-day BETTER, so I’m benefiting from your pain and lost braincells. But god this is hilarious, so thank you.

  5. 5
    Kinsey says:

    Shit. Now I have to go look for the were hedgehog review.

    I think I’m more appalled by the $3 for 5200 words than I am at the dinosex. At this point I can’t think of an animal which I’d be shocked to see featured in erotica. Although to be fair, this is way more out there because it’s not a were book but straight up beastiality.

  6. 6
    redheadedgirl says:

    PS: I hate all of you.

  7. 7
    rayvyn2k says:

    Having scrolled through my fair share of erotica looking for gems among the rocks (and there’s LOTS of rocks), I can’t say I’m surprised.

    What was most impressive to me about this entry was the fact that you were able to list Ayla’s affiliations without looking them up. I have read those books countless times (don’t judge me) and I could not do that…so, very impressed.

  8. 8
    June says:

    I’m disturbed that she also seems to have written a book called “T-Rex Troubles.”

    T-Rex?

    Really?

  9. 9
    Genghis Mom says:

    T rex?! Oh the eating out jokes that are poisoning my mind right now!! Ewwwwww!

  10. 10

    I’d like this better if the dino stomped her into a little puddle of goo after the sexxxoring. No, I take it back. I wouldn’t like it under any circumstances.

    As for the review, your pain, our pleasure. It’s that kind of a world.

  11. 11
    John G. Hartness says:

    I feel inspired to try and top this if at all possible (pun intended). Maybe a story about a were-starfish? I’m pretty sure this monstrosity is headed up the bestseller lists right now!

  12. 12

    Wow.  She packed a lot of weird into 5200 words. You gotta admit.  That’s a talent of sorts.  And were dinos capable of that much thought?  “you’re hurt, dino-boy, so you’re not man enough for me now?”

  13. 13
    riflaum says:

    I must confess that this is my fault; I submitted a link to this, solely because the comically undersized triceratops on the cover amused me (I didn’t have the courage to read even the preview).

    You wonder about the size of the triceratops’s fourth horn; soft tissue doesn’t fossilize, so we don’t know for certain, but I do know that in modern times, human penises are much larger in proportion to body size than those of most mammals; gorillas, for instance, are much smaller in this department, despite their greater body size. I don’t know about reptiles, though, and cold-blooded animals may not have the body-heat regulation problems that cause this. I couldn’t find anything about triceratopses specifically, but paleontologists apparently did work out that ankylosaurs must have had penises that were around six feet long.

  14. 14
    Catherine says:

    jesus christ, I don’t know what’s funnier, your review or the book’s blurb on Amazon.

    Just kidding, you are hilarious and I am forever grateful to Sarah for sending you this book. :)

  15. 15
    Andy W says:

    They lost a perfectly good chance to use “OPEN THE DOOR/ GET ON THE FLOOR/ EVERYBODY WALK THE DINOSAUR” in a legitimate setting.

  16. 16
    Kinsey says:

    Ok – does anyone recall the name of the were-hedgehog book? I’m having trouble locating the review from an advanced search.

  17. 17
    redheadedgirl says:

    Hedging His Bets. 

    Yes, really. 

  18. 18
    riflaum says:

    Incidentally, the link to the hedgehog review at the end of this post is broken.

  19. 19
    Elyse says:

    I appreciate your suffering on our behalf… I laughed so hard reading this that diet Coke went up my nose.

    I want to ask how the dinosaur didn’t crush her, but I’m guessing reality took a coffee break for this. Wow. Just wow…

  20. 20
    JennyD says:

    I… umm… wow.

    There are no words.

  21. 21
    Cate says:

    D’ya know, if this review was anywhere else I’d be checking to see if was April Fools Day.
      Well done Red Headed Girl, you really took one for the team this time :) But you realise I’m never going to look at the hedgehog that pootles through my garden in the same way again,because,yes…I had to look for,and then read the dreck that is Hedging His Bets….Curse you Red,you Ginger you !!!! :)

  22. 22
    Kinsey says:

    Thank you RHG. Good God, the torture you endure for our amusement.

  23. 23
    cleo says:

    @John G Hartness – there’s were-cuttlefish erotica, so were-starfish wouldn’t surprise me.  Someone (Jane at Dear Author maybe?) tweeted about the were-cuttlefish book awhile ago and I’m still kind of traumatized from following the link (two words: cephalopod gang-bang)

  24. 24

    There’s a wonderfully deadpan review on the Amazon page for ‘Mating with the Raptor’ by the same authors:

    http://www.amazon.com/Mating-Raptor-Beast-Erotica-ebook/dp/B00DD69TRS/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1380727683&sr=8-1&keywords=mating+with+the+raptor

    WTF Bad Romance also linked to another of her covers, which looks suspiciously familiar to anyone who’s played Dragon Age.

    http://wtfbadromancecovers.tumblr.com/post/62807295675/miss-poison-princess-so-you-guys-know-that-post

  25. 25
    SB Sarah says:

    I’m sorry – the Hedging His Bets link is fixed. Clearly I am Not Good at formatting links this week. 0_o Sorry!

  26. 26
    ohhellsyeah says:

    Is this what happens when creationists who think people and dinosaurs co-existed write erotica?
    This is possibly the greatest sentence I have read all week.  And if the the Werehedgehog book was better . . . I don’t even know what to say.

  27. 27
    Kinsey says:

    Small and furry shifters would make for a great parody – just can’t figure out a small critter that hasn’t be paranormal romanced. I remember reading one about a cat (heroine) and a mouse (hero.) Hedgies are done. I would go crazee and think about doing a turtle or an insect or something but when it comes to shifters I’m a snob: I don’t think classes should mix. Men and women have to be mammals.

    I was thinking about minks but they’re already noted for their amorous natures and they’re nasty biters – it needs to be something as small and undangerous as a hedgie.

    We had a hedgie for about 2 months. Found we couldn’t give her the personal time a hedgie needs and our oldest (and biggest) dog was convinced he could swallow her whole and damn the spikes. So we found her a better home.

  28. 28
    Sarina Bowen says:

    This review just made my otherwise boring day!

    Bring it!

  29. 29
    Dee Carney says:

    This review MADE. MY. DAY.

    Gotta give the author credit for creativity?

  30. 30
    Tamara Hogan says:

    OMG, this review made me snorkle my coffee.  Just when you think you’ve seen it all.

    Evil thought: Could you imagine getting this book, or the cuttlefish gangbang book, in your RITA judging packet? ;-)

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