Book Review

My Lady Vixen by Connie Mason

Okay, this fuschia pile of incoherent nonsense came from the HABO a while back looking for pirate something something ridonkadonk. This is pirate something ridonkadonk, but not the correct pirate something something ridonkadonk. It’s a totally other pirate something ridonkadonk.

So the basic premise is this: Adam Foxworth’s father died in a duel with Alexa Ashley’s father, because Adam’s father was banging Alexa’s mother, and Adam swore revenge upon Alexa’s father. 15 years later, Adam has some how become the Earl of Penwell, and kidnaps Alexa from her own engagement ball (after her fiancé tries to claim his husbandly rights by force) and spirits her away to his remote castle in Cornwall. His intention is to ruin her by banging her senseless for a week or so before delivering her back to her father, ruined in reputation, blah blah blah.

The ship that is taking Alexa to Cornwall is captained by The Fox, a pirate who has been mocking the English while the colonies are fighting for independence. The Fox always wears a mask, and no one knows who he really is (do you? You have read a book before so I bet you do) and The Fox is the one who seduces Alexa and takes her virginity. She’s SUPER into it, once he gets going.

Once at Adam’s castle, Adam keeps her there for three months, having lots and lots of sex. He meant to try and just use her as a vessel for his pleasure, but he start developing feelings, and she really likes sex with him (but is secretly in love with The Fox.) Every so often, Adam vanishes for a few days or so, but he comes back and they fuck like bunnies. He finally decide his ~feelings~ are too much, and has his right hand man take Alexa back to London. She’s pregnant, of course, but Adam doesn’t know that.

In London, he father freaks out, calls her a whore and a slut, tries to marry her off to a septuagenarian who just needs an heir. (Her former fiancé went off and married someone else while she was missing.) Alexa decides that this is BULLSHIT and runs away to the Colonies, where Adam is living. (Yeah, he’s got a house in Savannah.) She arrives 5 months pregnant, just before he’s about to announce that he’s engaged to Gwen, the daughter of the royal governor. He doesn’t love Gwen (though he has fucked her), but she’s useful to him by disguising his real purposes (WHAT COULD THOSE BE). Alexa shows up, all gorgeous and pregnant, so he grudgingly does the honorable things and marries her.

Alexa becomes a hard-core patriot pretty quickly (“All these people are doing is fighting for the right to rule their own country!” and whatnot) and says things in front of people that make them think she’s a traitor. Adam is still vanishing for weeks at a time. Alexa loses the baby due to a fall, and while she is feverish and hovering close to death, Adam sits by her bedside and that’s when he discovers that she has feelings for The Fox! She mutters things in her delirium!

Eventually, on one of those mysterious trips, Adam’s right hand man shows up at the door, wounded and saying that the English nearly captured The Fox. She tends to his wounds and just then, soldiers show up, looking for The Fox! They arrest her and Mac, throw her in a dungeon where she’s got no amenities or anything, and where a couple of guards are REALLY looking forward to raping her once they get the go ahead. He ex-fiance shows up, she’s found guilty, but rescued by The Fox at the last minute.

He takes her to his island hideaway in Nassau, and she begs to go along on his adventures pirating against the English and supporting the patriot cause. He won’t because delicate lady parts blah blah blah, and then they bang. Alexa feels terrible about this because she is married woman, and then they fall asleep and she wakes up and his mask has slipped off and OH MY GOD THE FOX IS ADAM. I NEVER COULD HAVE FORESEEN THE POLT TWIST. NOT IN A MILLION YEARS.

Alexa, however, IS shocked, but has enough presence of mind to sit on this information until it becomes useful:

On the heels of her astounding discovery came the demise of the woman known as Alexa, and from her ashes rose the Vixen, older, stronger, wiser. Beware!

Part 2 is the adventures of Alexa as the pirate queen called The Vixen, and how she cons the men of one of Adam’s ships into teaching her how to sail, then convinces them to sail under her captaincy. She dyes her hair, makes masks, and is immediately the bestest pirate queen that ever pirate queened. She beats her ex-fiance in a duel, and while her ship is getting repairs, she runs into The Fox again.

He sees her during a post-bath self-love session, and then…it’s not clear on the progression of events, challenges her to duel where if she loses, she spends the nights in his bed while they’re both in for repairs, and if he loses, she can unmask him. (They’re both wearing their masks for this entire sequence, even though like everyone knows who they are, but neither of them know that the other one knows.) She loses, and they bang a lot.

Eventually, her luck runs out, and she gets captured. Her ex-fiance (WHO WILL NOT DIE) convinces her that he’ll help her escape, but she has to become his mistress and then marry him once she can get a divorce from Adam. She agrees, but surprise! She’s pregnant again, and won’t agree to bang the ex-fiance until she’s given birth. She tells Adam that she never loved him, she’s going with her Ex, and that’s that. Adam falls into a whisky bottle.

In England, she discovers a) that the war is over, so there’s no reason to worry about anything, and b) that her father had died and left her everything, so she walks out on the fiancé and has the baby. Adam shows up in London as part of the committee that’s writing the peace accords, and he spends his spare time drinking and whoring. He finds out that Alexa is alive and he moves into her house without so much as a by-your-leave (I mean, he can, it is technically his house, but it is a dick move). He even invites a whore or two over to stay! What an ASS.

Alexa has sent the baby to her country estate, because she doesn’t want Adam to know about him, and she gets word that the baby is sick. Turns out it’s just chicken pox, but Adam hears that she’s at the estate, and he’s CONVINCED that she has a lover. He bursts into the room, after hearing her coo to the baby, and he’s like “I AM GOING TO KILL THE MAN THAT HAS REPLACED ME IN YOUR AFFECTIONS” and that’s how he meets his son and they both figure out that they both know about each other’s scarlet pimpernelling and the book ends.

There are a lot of words in this book to describe not a lot happening. I mean, a lot happens, but I distilled it down into a two page summary.

Okay, so there’s this pirate called The Fox, and he only shows up when Adam FOXworth is in the area, and no one realizes that Adam and the Fox has never been seen in the same place (by “no one,” I mean Alexa) and he never once says, “Look, I got away with all this Scarlet Pimpernelling because everyone around me is either in on it or really fucking stupid.” And then she goes and Scarlet Pimpernells right back at him, but he figures it out because he recognized her nekkid body, but neither of them realize that the other knows. So Adam gets all hot and bothered when Alexa is like “Yup, totally have feelings for The Fox, he’s DREAMY.” And she chooses not to examine the fact that her husband-as-the-Fox is cheating on her with…herself…

Look, it’s ridic.

As far as consent issues go, on a scale of Courtney Milan to Bertrice Small, it’s just to the left of Joanna Lindsay. While Alexa is a prisoner in Adam’s castle, and they have a LOT of sex (look, just assume that in between all of the events, there’s a lot of nipple teasing), she’s into it. At first she is coerced but then she’s super into it (he’s REALLY good at the sexing). And while she’s threatened with rape a lot, she isn’t actually raped.

During the exhaustingly long reconciliation, Adam forces her once and then backs off with “Rape is totally not my bag.” Whatever dude. You’re not the rapiest hero I’ve ever read, but you are kinda rapey, so… stop that.  You may be an A-hole, but you are also 100% a dick. Also, you don’t have a lot character development, but that’s pretty common for this era.

The politics were super simplified, too. Like all of the sudden Alexa would step foot in the colony of Gerogia and be struck with the lightening bolt of patriotism and pontificate eloquently on the merits of freedom and independence and wanting to just live in peace! Can’t those mean English just leave them alone? LEAVE AMERICA ALONE GUYS.

I’m a sucker for a good pirate story. They tend to have the best vintage of crazysauce. This was…not great? Alexa becomes the greatest pirate queen evar with three months of training. It’s ridiculous. Did I mention she had purple eyes? Cuz she did.

I don’t know, I found myself rolling my eyes and making sounds of “pffffffft” disgust through the whole book, and now that I’m done with it, I give no fucks about it. That’s the biggest crime, is that this crazysauce is bland and lacks staying power.  I’m giving it a D for effort.

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My Lady Vixen by Connie Mason

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  1. Hillary Wade says:

    Do you think you guys would want to do an actual scale of consent? I think that would be an awesome resource! And thank you for quoting Guardians of the Galaxy in your review 🙂

  2. Jamie says:

    AUGGHHH! Don’t use the most BAD ASS FIRST MASKED HERO EVER to compare these two nitwits in this garbage! The Scarlet Pimpernel would have cunningly kicked ass and taken names and no one would have realized who or what he was until three months later when people got vaguely suspicious (MAYBE.). These two nincompoops are just cardboard cutouts!

    ALSO, I read this book when it was called Dream Lover by Virgina Henley, and it was MUCH better the first time around.

    I really hate simplistic plots and the funneling down of really complex politics and feelings into “AMERICA IS RIGHT, ENGLAND IS WRONG”. That’s….just not how it works, and we can see the feelings of English subjects and once English subjects right up through and after the Revolutionary War.

    I was SO hoping for a book that WAS the Pirate Badonkadonk (I REALLY wanted to read that). This, sadly, was not it.

  3. Rachel says:

    “As far as consent issues go, on a scale of Courtney Milan to Bertrice Small…”

    Before my snort of laughter had even subsided, I realized how much this needs to be a real thing. Amazing.

  4. Olivia says:

    Is it bad that after reading this, I kind of want to read the book? I’ll admit some of the stupid old-school cliches are my secret catnip…

  5. PamG says:

    This simple phrase made me snort a little: “she spends the nights in his bed while they’re both in for repairs.” Knowing what was meant couldn’t stop me from reading it literally.

    Also, Pirate Ridonkadonk is the name of my next band.

  6. Amanda says:

    Okay I hate to admit this but earlier in my book reading days, back in the 80’s and 90’s I use to hunt down Connie Mason books in yard sales and used book store. My Lady Vixen was one of the few earlier ones I never read. However the whole -running off with other dude for reasons, convincing hero she doesn’t love him when she does, somehow keeping other dude from her bed and learning she was pregnant- that was vintage Connie Mason. At the time I ate up that ridiculousness and ask for more. Oh the shame.

  7. Doug Glassman says:

    Redheadedgirl, if you ever start up a spinoff blog, “Fuschia Pile of Incoherent Nonsense” would be a great name for it. The same goes for starting a band.

  8. Deborah Laymon says:

    That strange knocking noise you hear is my head banging on the keyboard (because it feels so good when you stop). It sounds like a humdinger of an idiot plot (because, of course, if people actually talked to each other, instead of behaving like idiots, there wouldn’t be a plot).

    Thank you for reading this so I don’t have to!!

  9. SLV says:

    Wait ALL that stuff happened in ‘Part 1’??? I was exhausted just from the review! I can’t imagine having all of that packed into 150 pages!

    As others have said – thank you for reading this — so I didn’t 🙂

  10. Margaret says:

    And let’s just take a moment to consider the cover design – shall we? I mean seriously, they are hovering over the ocean. What is that all about? Do they have special powers on top of all their seriously awesome Scarlett Pimpernelling talents – awesome.

  11. pamelia says:

    So funny! These kinds of books hold a special place in my heart, but I can’t ever go back to the days where I could enjoy reading them (I hope!!).
    Some of my favorite crazy FUSCHIA PILE ™ books include the incomparable “Skye O’Malley” and the very sprawling epic “This Loving Torment” which is an out of print crazy-sauce book that has just about every damn thing happen in it.
    (No, seriously, you need to trademark “fuschia pile”!!)

  12. Amanda says:

    @Margaret the cover is wonderful with its bizarrely hovering couple but it lacks the fuschia goodness of the original cover: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/238505.My_Lady_Vixen?from_search=true&search_version=service

  13. Lauren says:

    Another awesome review of a terrible book! Keep ’em coming.

  14. CC says:

    Oh how I adore fantastic reviews about terrible books…

  15. PropellerBeanie says:

    Another request here for an author-based scale of consent, please. So looking forward to that!

  16. Kate L says:

    Love this review! Is it bad that I profit from your pain? I hope not coz I’m never reading this book, and I plan to keep on never reading it or any of the other crazysauce books you so hilariously review.

  17. Oshoveli says:

    This is the first smart bitches review I am reading and it has truly made my day! But like what someone else said above, it kinda made me want to hate/read the book!

  18. Marie Dry says:

    I love history but the historical romances of the 80’s and 90’s has driven me to rather read non fiction. I get tired just thinking of those plots with the pirates and all the men salivating over the heroine and the hero nailing anything in skirts.
    Loved the review, I was laughing out loud and I really needed a good laugh. The review expressed my feelings on these books perfectly.

  19. llaph says:

    @Amanda:Nostalgia is fine–it’s when you actually revisit it and still like it is when you have to question your sanity.

    “far as consent issues go, on a scale of Courtney Milan to Bertrice Small…”

    ^^ must make a sliding scale, would not only add some funny, but would totally be helpful for someone who is looking to read a romance…. “Oh, I don’t like XX sort of romance, how about a XX kind?” It would kind of be like movie ratings: G, PG, PG-13, and R.

    This book was only 150 pages? I thought it would’ve had ~200 or something with everything that happened.

    I so enjoy reading reviews by Redheadedgirl. I much rather read the review than the book a lot of the time. She is truly gifted when it comes to summarization.

  20. llaph says:

    I wish notify box being checked was default!

  21. L. says:

    Ha. I’m currently reading another Connie Mason classic, Sheik. As a reader, sometimes I need a break from the serious stuff and enjoy a good What The What? story. Eye rolling is good exercise.

  22. Maite says:

    Review by RHG: Excellent
    Review that starts with “Fuchsia Pile of Incoherent Nonsense”? Requires leaving the drinks/food away.

    Seriously, I can’t help but wonder if all the Fuchsia on the covers created a world-wide shortage of fuchsia which made it too expensive to continue using it so undiscriminatedly.

  23. DonnaMarie says:

    And now you need to read “Lady Vixen” by Shirlee Busbee and do a compare/contrast.

  24. LauraL says:

    I just woke up my dogs with my cackling here in my office. Thanks, Redheadedgirl and the bitchery for cheering me up after a long day.

    Soooooo, my supposition is all men and all women looked the same without their clothes on during the 18th century. Adam and Alexa wore masks during their sexy times but maybe didn’t recognize a mole or a crooked sword? Ahh, the lights were out.

    Love that Connie Mason! Love that fuchsia!

  25. “As far as consent issues go, on a scale of Courtney Milan to Bertrice Small, it’s just to the left of Joanna Lindsay.”

    Totally non-metaphorically LOL’ed at that.

  26. Crystal F. says:

    Oh not this book. I was just telling my best friend about this book last week. How what I hated most was that not only did EVERY single man in the story drool over her, (the one exception being her emotionally-neglectful loser of a father), but they ALL also couldn’t help but rip the top of her dress open.

    I thought ‘Promise Me Forever’ was a lot better. A LOT less creepy sex / attempted rape. (From what I remember. It’s been seven years since I read any of my Connie Mason novels so I could be wrong.)

  27. Wench says:

    Of COURSE she has purple eyes. OF COURSE.

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