I read Keeping it Hot with the expectation that I would get a friends-to-lovers romance set somewhere warm and beachy. Instead what I got was a whole lot of “what the fuck did I just read?”
Here’s what you need to know: Zoe Hart runs a coffee shop inside the Oceanix resort in Florida. The resort is owned and run by her best friend (and secret crush) Dylan Jackson. Zoe has just turned twenty-nine and is still a virgin. She’d like to lose her virginity by thirty, preferably to Dylan, but realizes that he sees her as “one of the guys.”
So Zoe and her best friend Dana hatch a plan to get Dylan to see Zoe as a potential romantic partner.
All sounds good so far, right?
That’s what I thought, too.
I was wrong.
First of all, once Zoe changes out of the coffee-stained polos and khaki shorts she wears to work and into a dress, Dylan suddenly realizes he wants to put his penis in her. Because apparently polo shirts are actually cloaks of invisibility. But despite being irksome that part wasn’t even that bad. No. We get so much worse.
Like, I didn’t even know which among the awful quotes to share, worse.
Here’s Dylan talking to his brother about how suddenly his penis has noticed Zoe:
“I mean, I didn’t know it was possible for her to look like that. There’s a woman’s body under that usual coffee shop uniform she wears.”
Asher laughed hysterically before he finally got it together enough to say, “You both work at a hotel right on the beach. Don’t tell me you’ve never seen her in a swimsuit before. This shouldn’t have been a total shock to you.”
“Well, of course I have, but it was some kind of one-piece number with a skirt on it.”
He could almost hear Ash wincing as he said, “Fuck, I hate those things. I don’t care what size a woman is, she should just own it. Don’t go out there wearing a damn sheet tied around your waist. If you have a big butt, put that sucker out there. Lots of men like some extra junk in the trunk. What they don’t like is seeing you wear your gown on the beach. You should have staged an intervention with her long ago. Friends don’t let friends dress like that.”
WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST READ?
First of all the assumption that women dress for men, or give a shit about what men think of how they dress, is some sexist bullshit. You wanna wear a sheet on the beach? Go for it. Wanna wear a giant parrot costume? Make sure you drink some water cuz it’s gonna be hot in that thing.
We don’t have to “own it” for anyone. I don’t give a flying fuck if some men like “junk in the trunk.” I am not buying a swimsuit so I can be viewed through their boner-lens. I’m buying it because I like it.
So fuck BOTH of these guys.
Then we get:
Wow, it was official, her old wardrobe was a man repellant. No wonder she’d easily been able to remain a virgin until the ripe old age of twenty-nine. She couldn’t help thinking that the new padded bra was a big help as well. Wait, was that false advertising? Some poor guy thought you had big boobs, then discovered under that miracle bra, you were a tad on the small side?
SOME POOR GUY THOUGHT YOU HAD BIG BOOBS.
Yes, yes, let us pity the man who was “misled” by your bra choice, Zoe, because once again women dress only for a man’s sexual gratification.
WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST READ?
But wait, we’re not done. Dylan and Zoe are at lunch, discussing Dylan’s meeting with a potential investor:
“Handsy Holder?” Zoe started laughing, remembering the fifty-something-year-old cougar that never missed an opportunity to hit on Dylan. She had hair like Dolly Parton and a body that seemed at odds with her age. Zoe was certain there had been some surgical enhancements there. And those fingernails? They were so long that she had no idea how the woman was able to function with them from day to day.
“I’m glad you found it so amusing,” he smirked, “because she’s supposed to be here at seven.”
Making a walking motion with her hands, Zoe said, “Well you better run along and get prepared. Don’t forget protection. Wait, she might be in menopause, so that could be an added bonus, right?”
I repeat: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK DID I JUST READ?
So… sexually aggressive women are to be mocked, but women should dress to attract a man and then hope for the best?
Menopause with all the vaginal dryness and hot flashes is hilarious?
Women over the age of fifty should not expect sex and should be made fun of?
Got it.
You know what, these two fucking belong together.
But that wasn’t even the worst part. This is the worst part. The worst part was when Zoe and her friend Dana show up at Dylan’s place, completely shitfaced.
When [Zoe] stopped mid-sentence, he looked down just as a soft snore sounded from her mouth. Don’t think about how adorable she looks in your arms, she’s your best friend–that’s all.
He was jerked from his musings as someone banged on the door. No doubt it was Paul [Dana’s boyfriend who was called to pick her up] who couldn’t be bothered to use the buzzer.
“That’s my baby.” Dana ran through the apartment. Dylan was pretty sure that she’d nodded off to sleep as well since she hadn’t been in his face in at least two minutes. He thought of warning her to check the peephole first, then decided that he didn’t really care as long as whoever was on the other side took her with them. But a few seconds later, he could tell it was Paul by the amount of groping and tonsil sucking going on the hallway.
Let’s just repeat this: THEN DECIDED THAT HE DIDN’T REALLY CARE AS LONG AS WHOEVER IT WAS TOOK HER WITH THEM.
This woman is very drunk. Falling asleep drunk. The responsible, HUMAN thing to do would be to ensure that she’s safe. That means making sure it is indeed her boyfriend picking her up.
For all Dylan knows it could be a lost pizza guy behind the door. It could serial killer behind that door. It could be a werewolf. It could be four French bulldogs in a trench coat. BUT IT DOESN’T MATTER THAT DANA COULD BE PLACED IN A POTENTIALLY DANGEROUS SITUATION BECAUSE SHE ANNOYS HIM.
WHAT. THE. EVERLOVING. FUCK.
So there’s some romance in this book. There are sexy times. And I didn’t care at all about any of it because the main characters were such garbage people.
Unless you need to raise your blood-pressure through the roof, I strongly suggest staying away from Keeping it Hot.
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And of course, menopausal women don’t need men to wear protection because they can’t get pregnant…
One of my pet peeves in romance. There’s more than one reason for a man to wear a condom, preventing pregnancy is only one of them…
Thanks for the rage!
Ew, it seems to be raining lousy books. Is this a trend or something?
I nearly snorted my water at ‘It could be four French bulldogs in a trench coat.’ Thank you for that, from the bottom of my cold, cranky, Mondays suck heart.
Holy shitballs! Was all of the character dialog this bad or did it just completely draw you out of the story Elise?
And to make her clothes be the reason she couldn’t attract someone? Sheesh, I guess I’m glad I met the one man back in the day who could see past my favorite bar wear of snarky tshirts, jeans, and sneakers otherwise I would have been doomed to be a virgin forever! (isn’t the a font that implies a sarcastic southern belle accent and hang wringing?)
And hooray for me for finally rewarding the aforementioned man by wearing a two piece on our honeymoon instead of my shitty one piece that I wore for sun protection and comfort.
I HATE when anything make me feel like i was unattractive just because I didn’t wear mini skirts with UGG boots back in the day.
I second Elise’s WTF-ery and add my very own FUCK OFF to the spiteful characters in the book.
So the point of this book is for the vacuous characters to say horrible sexist things and they pass for humor or mere normalcy. GAG!
Also, I was a virgin for many many years by choice. It was not because I wore a polo shirt and no one offered because of the scary scary polo shirt.
My main comment is: THIS is how he treats his ‘best friend’ and her friend? By tossing Dana to the wolves (or french bulldogs) so he can bone his bff while she’s unable to consent? I NEED A PAPERBACK OF THIS BOOK SO I CAN THROW IT AND THEN SET IT AFLAME
Hard pass. I’m reading Kate Canterbary’s Walshes and loving them, so I do not need this crap raising my blood pressure or risking high-velocity impact damage to my kobo. Thanks for taking one for the team, Elyse.
@KtB- re font: I suggest Papyrus.
Thank you for reading this and sounding the alarm. It’s 2017 and I should hope we would be done with makeover tropes and undue emphasis on virginity.
I’m old (hence my online name), so I’ll share this: back in the early (1970s) days of the sexually-explicit bodice-ripper, the rule of thumb was if a book contained scenes featuring the heroine admiring her nude body in a mirror while using very sexualized/objectifying language, you could assume the writer was a man using a female pen name (“Jennifer Wilde” being a prime example). I have to wonder about Sydney Landon. It seems inconceivable to me that a woman who had lived one day as a woman could come up with the sexist garbage in this book. But, there again, I’ve been puzzled by a lot of things some women have done lately–particularly last November.
I don’t know how this writer keeps getting books published. I read her first self published book and thought it was garbage and couldn’t believe it when I saw it a few months later in Target.
Elyse, wow, how did you finish this one? I probably would have rage-quit real fast. SOME POOR GUY THOUGHT YOU HAD BIG BOOBS. WTF. And how dare this author use Dolly Parton to make an “unfavorable” comparison? Dolly Parton is too good, too pure for this world. I’m going to be mad about this the rest of the day.
Oh mate, this is a very, very hard pass for me. Echoing Megan M. – how did you manage to get through this one without wanting to throw it out the window, Elyse?
You know, there is a valid argument to be made that wearing certain clothes expressly in order to cover up your thighs or whatever is often the result of damaging teachings regarding “purity” or of toxic beauty standards. However, judging the women who are (consciously or unconsciously) influenced by those factors is just rank victim blaming and does NOT help matters. It’s the exact same judgmental attitude, just with a different excuse. Ugh.
This review should come tucked in the front cover of every copy of this book. GIFs and all.
Also, would like to say that the real Zoe Hart (heroine of Hart of Dixie, the adorably, lovably goofy CW show) would not stand for one iota of this bullshit.
*Wanna wear a giant parrot costume? Make sure you drink some water cuz it’s gonna be hot in that thing.*
You just made my day Elyse! Thank you! Funniest F review I’ve had the pleasure of reading in quite a while.
“Wanna wear a giant parrot costume? Make sure you drink some water cuz it’s gonna be hot in that thing.”
You should probably also make sure the parrot costume and beach have easy bathroom access.
@DiscoDollyDeb Funny you should say that … while reading the quotes in the review I kept thinking “Are we sure a WOMAN wrote this?”
Just have to say: Dolly Parton is badass. If Dolly Parton was in this book she would steal the f’n show.
@Michelle they have yet to invent a show Queen Dolly cannot steal.
OMG! This review reminded me of a book I started reading recently but then gave up because I couldn’t stand the characters and how ridicoulous it was that the boss of the female lead, all of a sudden found her extremely shag worthy after she popped out of a cake at stag party wearing lingerie at which unbeknownst to her, the boss was a member of the audience. Mind you, they had been working together for years before this sudden epiphany. Just googled the author of this review and low and behold she wrote the story – Weekends Required in case anyone is interested.
What never ceases to amaze me is that apparently there are SOME women out there who think that a guy who CANNOT SEE YOU UNLESS YOU ARE DRESSED LIKE A HO is attractive. That’s Mr. Right. The guy for whom you are invisible unless your wardrobe is entirely furnished by Frederick’s of Hollywood. The man of your dreams, who can speak to you daily for years without ever registering your gender, until the day you display cleavage. Prince Charming.
Fuck those guys. And not in a good way.
@Lostshadows:
You should probably also make sure the parrot costume and beach have easy bathroom access.
Failing that, a built-in bourdaloue would do nicely. Isn’t it wonderful how seemingly unrelated reviews can interlock?
I realize there’s all kinds of wrong in these quotes, but can we pause to consider that the older woman (snottily) described is a *potential investor*. And the *owner* of the resort in which she is going to invest is supposed to just grin and bear someone called “handsy”? If the genders were reversed would a “friend” ever tell a young female business owner to “run along and get prepared” for an older man to hit on her *in a situation where he holds financial power.* That’s not a chuckle. That’s sexual harassment. Dana sounds like she’d be better off with French bulldogs in a trench coat than with either of these “friends.”
I need a drink just reading those quotes.
I’m with Rebecca. My first thought was “that’s sexual harassment.” Then I moved on to being irritated about them besmirching Dolly’s name.
I think a key aspect of the makeover trope is it has to change how the character feels about themself, which changes how they act, which combined with the new look makes the object of their affection sit up and take notice. If it’s just the clothes it doesn’t work.
Good lord but this reads as all kinds of no. Thanks for taking one for the team and giving us a heads up regarding its overwhelming awfulness. Hard pass, indeed.
Making a note to avoid this author in future. I’ll read something from them only after someone else writes a review polemically opposite this.
1) Elyse, YOUR REVIEWS NEVER FAIL TO MAKE ME LOL!
2) I ALLLLLLLMOST wanna read this book just so I can make a rant video over it on my channel. But then I remember there are good books out there in the world who are lonely.
“And of course, menopausal women don’t need men to wear protection because they can’t get pregnant…
“One of my pet peeves in romance. There’s more than one reason for a man to wear a condom, preventing pregnancy is only one of them…”
No wonder http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/older-people-stis-sexually-transmitted-infections-50-to-70-chief-medical-officer-report-dame-sally-a7463861.html.
As for the quotes, bleah! >:( Not bleah at the idea *itself* of a woman who wants to have sex with a man caring what a man thinks (“don’t care what other people think!!!” has been taken too literally by too many in my generation :/ ) .
But at all the rest (including *how* she cares about what *which* other men think, instead of simply realizing “if I want to have sex with a man I like without one of us raping the other, he’s going to need to care about what I think about sex with him and need to think that he wants to have sex with me, and if I don’t care what he thinks how can I expect him to care what I think…?” I’d like a novel about a character simply realizing this).