Jupiter Ascending
by Andy Wachowski, Lana Wachowski
RHG and I (CarrieS) saw Jupiter Ascending and we are here to tell you that it is just terrible and we loved every batshit minute of it.
Is the movie “good”?
No, in the sense that it was relentlessly derivative, totally soapy, had some god-awful lines, a plot that frankly never did make much sense, and characters that had very little development and when they did develop it was in peculiar ways.
Yes, in the sense that Channing Tatum roller blades in anti gravity boots and fights an alien space dragon-dinosaur soldier while everything in the background explodes.
There’s a plot, kind of, but don’t waste your time trying to follow it because it’s just a thinly veiled excuse to blow things up and show gorgeous people in gorgeous clothes and various stages of undress. But we have to do some kind of summary so here goes.
Basically, into not every generation there is a chosen one. She alone is the perfect genetic copy of the space queen. She alone can fight vampires/solve Lego problems/defeat Voldemort/save the earth. Mila Kunis plays Jupiter, an immigrant from Russia who works as a maid until aliens try to kill her and she is saved by Channing Tatum. Tatum is a space soldier half-albino with lycan DNA and elf ears who used to have wings but they were cut off as a punishment because he bit someone in disgrace. I did not make that up. He spends his time roller blading with his anti-gravity boots and brooding. He rescues Jupiter and she gets involved in space politics and she changes clothes and he rescues her again and after a sufficient number of repeats of this cycle the movie is over.
Here are our thoughts:
CARRIE:
The cheese! It owned ALL THE CHEESE. CHEESE AND CAKE! I love that the movie had no shame and no restraint. Will Tatum fight a bunch of aliens in a cornfield while rollerblading on anti gravity boots and while shirtless? OF COURSE HE WILL. Will Mila Kunis wear every kind of fetish wear imaginable? Duh.
My advice to viewers is go big or go home. You will only see this because all the people, and clothes, and explosions are so very, very pretty so you might as well see them in 3D. God knows you won’t be seeing it for the subtle, witty, insightful dialogue.
Douglas Booth is so very, very pretty.
RHG:
That. Was. Fucking. Ridiculous.
I thought National Treasure Channing Tatum wore his shirt too much. I was promised a shirt allergy of Lautneresque proportions, and, well. Nope.
Honestly, it was delightful. It was a Space Opera of the highest order, with overly complicated world building, gorgeous, gorgeous visuals, and costumes that I can’t wait to see cosplays for.
CARRIE:
But I have questions. So many questions. For example:
- Did the movie actually end, or did the filmmakers just get bored and/or run out of budget and say, “Fuck this, let’s go to a party?”
- How cool was it to see Mrs. S. from Orphan Black?!? And also that Mila, who is a real- life Russian immigrant who speaks fluent Russian, gets to speak Russian?
RHG:
Like, the plot, I’m not too sure what was going on. Sean Bean was part bee (and I can’t believe I lost the “When does Sean Bean die” pool, GODDAMMIT) and CHANNING TATUM HAD WOLF DNA (how could that not be the best movie ever) and Belle was there as Marius’ hench-deer and there was Mrs. S and also James D’Arcy for a minute and a half (HEY JAMES D’ARCY HEY) and the princess was played by Tuppence Middleton and like, what?
WHAT?
CARRIE:
What I loved about this movie is that it made no sense but also it had no shame. Do bees bow to the will of royalty? Sure, why not, if it means Mila gets to look pretty and control bees with flowing hand motions. Are the Wachowski siblings aware that, for instance, Queen Elizabeth does not control bees in this manner? Or do they think that this is how The Queen spends her time? Maybe all day she hangs out in the garden waving at bees. Maybe they have access to intel I don’t have. It’s like they just took every idea they could think of that would look cool and just hurled it at the screen with no rationale. Orgy! Space Wedding! Space DMV with android guy named Bob (that was the best thing ever, BTW)! Winged Space Dinosaur/Dragon Hybrids that talk and shoot ray guns! A guy with an elephant head! Explosions! If they had had an ounce of restraint it would have all fallen apart but it was just a hilarious riot of insanity.
I have no opinion of the acting except to say that the actors committed. I mean, they were going for the Oscar. And you have to respect that in someone who has to say lines like “You’re the perfect hunting machine: fearless, relentless. You’ve been searching for one thing your whole life… and she’s down there.” Ouch.
RHG:
“I love dogs, I’ve always loved dogs.” SAID TO A HALF LYCAN.
I can’t.
The Space DMV was just the best fucking thing. I’m not sure Eddie Redmayne (probable Oscar Winner Eddie Redmayne) was in the same movie, but he committed, single-mindedly. He’s a fucking professional and he was there to DO HIS JOB.
CARRIE:
So, romance. Did you buy it? Are Mila and Channing destined to make happy Russian-American-Wolf-Elf-Ear royal babies together? I thought the romance was pretty perfunctory but hey, once a guy saves you with his anti gravity boots, it’s really a done deal, right? Like any relationship building would be almost beside the point.
I am possibly the only straight woman in the world who doesn’t have a thing for Tatum but he fit a certain paranormal romance type PERFECTLY. What with the lycan thing and the missing wings and the brooding and the rescuing and the elf ears I could totally see how he would be a crack cocaine candy bar for a lot of people.
RHG:
He saved her life in anti-grav boots and gave her a gun and then took off his shirt. That’s it. Boom, done. Also she loves dogs! It happened, because the checklist had “Queen and bodyguard DO IT” and you need to hit as many of the tick-marks as possible. They make a pretty couple, so. Whatever.
RHG:
The audience in my theater was into the campy ridiculousness. There was a number of people who were just like “WHAT”ing through the whole movie. It was hilarious.
CARRIE:
I went to early Thurs PM showing and it was quiet. Which is too bad because this film BEGS for the Rocky Horror treatment. I want the midnight showing, and when Tatum roller blades into the space wedding I want the audience to sing “FLASH! AH-AH! SAVIOR OF THE UNIVERSE! DUM DUM DUM DUM!”
RHG:
There are two reasons I was super excited for this movie. One is because when someone gives the Wachowski Siblings a shit ton of money, batshit amazing comes out. It’s also one of the very very few action-adventure movies coming out this year that’s not a remake, franchise, or adaptation. I love the Marvel Cinematic Universe, don’t get me wrong, but I want to see original stuff come out, too! And there’s SO LITTLE OF IT. When Pacific Rim became the hit it did, it wasn’t a cry for “Moar Pacific Rim, plz.” It was for “Moar original stuff plz.”
Look, objectively this is not a “good” movie. But it owns its cray-cray, it doesn’t pretend to be anything other than cray-cray, and it’s SO PRETTY. I want to talk to National Treasure Channing Tatum about the fight scene choreo. And the spaceship designs (well, not to Tatum, but you know, other people) and the costumes and everything. This is the kind of movie that you just have to commit to, and let it all happen.
Possibly let it happen with rum and coke. I’m not sure.
CARRIE:
It is truly tragic that the conventions of SBTB require us to give this movie a letter grade, since it transcends simple grades and enters a higher, or possibly lower, order of judgement. RHG decided that the closest thing we have to a “WTF” grade is F+, so that’s the grade we are assigning. However, a more accurate grade would be something like three unicorns and a glitter bomb.
This film is currently in theatres (and not doing so well so it likely won’t hang out there for long). If you’d like to buy tickets (in the US), you can find more information and showtimes at Fandango and Moviefone.
Sorry, Carrie, but Mila Kunis’s Russian is not fluent. It was passable in some places (really just one place). But overall, the “Russian” in Jupiter Ascending made me writhe in physical pain.
That said, it was the only thing that made me write in pain because I loved it. Luuuurrrrved it. It helps that I won the Sean Bean Death Bet.
Eddie Redmayne is Sexy Voldemort! Channing Tatum is a space marine angel wolf! With anti-gravity boots!
This movie was just so pretty so much.
In what is possibly my most unpopular opinion, I will say that this movie made me happier than Guardians of the Galaxy. I went in holding GotG to a higher standard and it let me down in some big ways. My only requirement for Jupiter Ascending was for it to be fun and it was fun.
It breaks my heart how much it’s failing in the box office. Why do people hate fun?
I don’t know anything about Russian so I can’t say how well Mila speaks it in the movie, but she spoke it exclusively until the age of seven and plans to teach it to her kids. If you look on youtube there’s a bunch of clips of her doing press in Russia in Russian. It sounds impressive but of course for all I know she’s saying “Purple porcupines are cute.”
Sounds like I need to get my MST3000 group together. This could be more fun than the “Godzilla” with Matthew Broderick. I hesitate only because of the Sean Bean Death Bet which makes be believe I’ll have to sob through another Sean Bean Death. I do not get the Channing Tatum thing. Never have, never will. Sean Bean on the other hand? I’d ride him hard and make him breakfast.
“I love dogs, I’ve always loved dogs.”
When that line came everyone in the theater burst into laughter. I went to a Monday night show so there were only about 20 or so people there. The graphics were beautiful. I wish I had seen it in 3D. After the movie ended, we all stood up and looked around at each other like “what just happened? Is it over?.” Then all the movie goers just smiled at each other like hmmm, we just saw that movie that made no sense but I don’t regret watching it. More laughter, then we all exited.
My coworker asked me how the movie was and I told them it was gorgeous. The plot was…well there are no words for the plot, but the visuals were breathtaking. I want them all for my screen savers.
I loved the craziness. I may even buy it on blue ray. So glad I saw this after a stressful workday. LOL
@CarrieS: to be fair to Mila, when commenting on the fluency I was mostly taking about her pronunciation, as she only has about, what, 2-3 lines in Russian in the film. But she couldn’t even manage the name of the Neva river. I don’t know, maybe faced with the inanity of Maria Doyle Kennedy’s lines*, she decided it wasn’t worth the effort.
* specifically not criticizing the pronunciation here, but the actual lines as written.
I just love this movie, completely unironically and unashamedly. There’s so much that’s amazing about it, not least of all that the Wachowskis are soooooo good at world building.
And I think it’s a lot better and smarter than even the people who like it are giving it credit for being. This blog post (by internet-name of “braak”) does an awesome job of explaining why:
http://threatquality.com/2015/02/08/is-jupiter-ascending-the-best-space-opera-of-all-time-and-also-the-best-movie/
My personal favorites:
– Eddie Redmayne’s performance. Dude should win an Oscar for his performance in this movie.
– Costumes. I would give my left hand to be a costume designer for the Wachowskis.
– Its relentless critique of capitalism (no, really — read the blog post).
I absolutely plan to watch it when it’s on DVD or on TV (and since it will be re-dubbed in Russian anyway, I’ll never find out if her pronunciation is passable or even worse than my attempts to speak English), and I want all the characters to be made into fashion dolls, and I want enough money to buy all those dolls.
I still would like to know what Russian person names their daughter Jupiter, but maybe in the distant future all names are unisex. Which I’d be okay with.
I must see this! I love a good, cheesy space opera and this seems like it would be right up my alley. Maybe the boyfriend and I can see for Valentine’s.
They named her Jupiter because her British father wanted her to be, and he died so it makes sense in a “you do strange things in greif” kind of way.
I mean, the lawyer in me was DELIGHTED that this basically boiled down to an issue of estate law and property law. I MEAN REALLY.
My husband and I saw this a week ago and we are still talking about new things that we found ridiculous about it. We rarely go to the movies together and I’m glad we chose one that was so much fun to watch.
I think the “I love dogs. I’ve always loved dogs” bit https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uIJzk20Hs6o is the clunkiest attempt at romantic dialogue on the big screen in a long time.
It also brought these bizarre thoughts to mind: After Mila’s declaration, I wanted to hear her continue, “When I was younger, I had this beautiful dog, and one time I took some peanut butter and spread it on my, well, never mind.” And if there’s a romantic scene with her and Channing Tatum at the end, she could whip out a jar of peanut butter. To paraphrase George Carlin, these are the sorts of thoughts that kept me out of the really good schools.
I want to see this movie so bad. It has so much of my catnip: Wachowskis, Sean Bean, space opera, wolf/elf whatevers. But, crap, does Sean Bean have to die? I guess I’ll have to fortify myself with some Sharpe episodes before I see the movie.
But what I really need to know before I see the film is this: Does the Winged Space Dinosaur/Dragon Hybrid turn anyone gay? Because that would just be epic.
“It is truly tragic that the conventions of SBTB require us to give this movie a letter grade …”
Well, but why can’t WTF be a letter grade? It’s just a tag or category, right, like DNF? I think a lot of us would
elbow others out of the wayflock to read WTF-grade reviews of anything here. Such a designation would indicate clearly and gloriously that there is way more going on than a mere F could ever convey.OT: I’ve been out of town. Will there be a joint review of FSoG in our future?
What the hell is a “half-albino”? Is this yet another example of a perfectly ordinary family of genetic variants (which can cause disability due to poor vision) used to exoticise? Grrr…
I enjoyed the movie but the whole time I watched it I kept thinking one more edit. It just needs one more edit to tighten things up and it might work.
@DonnaMarie: I’d ride him hard and make him breakfast.
That needs to be stitched on a pillow. Made my day, thank you! (Absolutely agree.)
I loved this movie. I want sequels and novelizations and coloring books and anything else I can get. It’s just so much fun! I was wound up for a good 15 hours after I saw it.
I so want to see this movie especially after reading that it’s a Regency romance novel in space according to Geek Girl Playground bloggerhttp://geekmehard.tumblr.com/post/110919826441/jupiter-ascending-regency-romance-in-space
I am also reminded of JL Langley’s m/m (Regency-esque) space operas. I he she writes more about Regelence.
Your hilarious review put into words EXACTLY how I felt about this movie too! It was so silly, but the people were pretty, the costumes, FX, and whole look was awesome, and it’s just a fun cheese fest. 🙂
I just looked at the trailer. I swear, someone involved in the new Annie movie must have been friends with Jupiter Ascending folks. Moon Quake Lake was preparing us all for what was about to come.
Mila Kunis is Ukrainian so I would guess her first language would have been Ukrainian which sounds a lot like Russian but isn’t. Having grown up listening to both, I can definitely hear that difference. That may be the accent difficulty you noticed. I have not seen this movie yet but the 12 year old boy in the house loved it and I guess I better go and check out Mila’s accent. Research, you know.
This is a bit of a tangent, but my husband once absent-mindedly gave a student an F+ on an exam, only to have the student’s head explode when he got it back. You live and learn.
Ahahah
“Are the Wachowski siblings aware that, for instance, Queen Elizabeth does not control bees in this manner?”
“I love dogs, I’ve always loved dogs.” was the most terrible line.
I had adored Cloud Atlas (it’s my favourite movie of the decade) and insisted to bring my friends watching this. We are a bunch of artists and we were amazed with the concept art and the special effects. Unfortunately, the movie lacked a proper script behind the glittering CGI.
Thank you so much for this fun review! I was on the fence about seeing this movie but the hubby and I went last night so we could see it in IMAX – if you’re going to go see it because it’s pretty that’s the best! Enjoyed the heck out of it, don’t think too hard about the massive plot holes just enjoy the visuals. Also loved the views of Chicago in the earthbound scenes. And having spent some time trying to get things filed in the Chicago/Cook County government offices the bureaucracy scenes were hilarious!
So excited to see a review here! We saw it last Thursday night and then I wouldn’t shut up about how amazing it was for the next three days. Yeah, there’s a lot of plot holes and it could have done with more back story and fewer explosions, but it’s SO PRETTY. And so ridiculous! And Channing Tatum Space Wolf Angel on Space Rollerblades!! I am definitely going to see it in the theater again, partly because I think it deserves a big screen for all those visuals, but mostly because it’s an original sci-fi action film, and as you pointed out, those are all too rare. I’d much rather see more of Jupiter than another reboot of a sequel of a remake.
I so agree with this review! I had so much fun – it was beautiful, it was insane, there were explosions and eye candy and a critique of consumerism. What more can you ask for?
My husband and I went yesterday for our Valentine’s Day date (this is how I know I’m married to the right man – I suggested Jupiter Ascending and as soon as he saw it was by the Warshawskis, he bought the tickets for a 3D showing and made dinner reservations for after).
I loved it more than he did, although we both had a lot of fun making fun of it during and after – during dinner we kept saying “bees don’t lie” and “I love dogs” and cracking each other up.
I feel like we’re even now – he was absolutely enthralled by Interstellar while I was unmoved – I thought it was boring and self-indulgent and took itself way too seriously (the exact opposite of JA). So I’m ok with him being unmoved while I thrilled to Mila Kunis and her fabulous wardrobe. (We both loved Guardians of the Galaxy though).
I’m so glad you reviewed it today – I needed to squee with someone.
Did anyone else think Mila and Channing had zero chemistry? I kept waiting for Mila’s real love interest to show up – I was kind of shipping her and the girl with blue hair for awhile. And I have to confess that Channing Tatum does nothing for me, but I really appreciated that he was showed more skin than Mila did.
And I was also kind of waiting for some underground rebel group to show up. That was the only space opera trope missing and dammit, I missed my scruffy rebels idealistically, yet hopelessly, trying to bring down a corrupt system.
@Meghan – I haven’t read your link yet but I agree that there are some solid underlying concepts in JA. I liked the way they showed typical modern consumerism and materialism in Jupiter’s life (her dad was killed over a telescope, her cousin sold her eggs for a tv, she wanted pretty things she couldn’t afford) and then took it to its illogical extreme in space, with the entitled blithely killing entire populations so they could live forever, even though they seemed to hate their miserable lives. And it ended with her embracing her ordinary, unglamorous life. She started the movie saying she hated her life, and being ashamed of cleaning toilets for a living, and ended by declaring that the previous queen’s problem was that she’d never cleaned a toilet in her life. And we see her happily scrubbing toilets and making coffee for her mother.
That said, I can’t argue with the WTF grade. Because it’s a crazy, crazy movie.
@cleo – that’s supposed to be Wachowskis (argh).
I loved this movie so much I’m watching it again next week after work. I was blown away by the visuals, the crazysauce and the prettiness of the actors, including the T-Rex/dragon in a snug-fitting coat (was that Oliver Anderson?). I loved Guardians of the Galaxy but JA had that something extra that gave me the all the feels. The last scene, can it get any better? Grade F+? Please! I give it 5 radiant and glittery unicorns.
Sorry but I just can’t agree with this review (except for the F grade part of it, no + though). Maybe if they had killed off Jupiter with the first attempt on her life and just made the entire movie about Channing Tatum and Sean Bean flying around the galaxy, avenging her death I might have enjoyed this movie, cheese and all. Unfortunately we had to suffer through her bad dialogue, complete gullibility and utter uselessness. While I like cheese as much as the next person there were just too many terrible aspects to JA for me to over look: too stupid too live heroine, waaaay over the top Eddie Redmayne (not in a good way), ridiculous plot and script. The Fifth Element, or even John Carter, did it better in my opinion.
[…] since I’m on a plane. But here’s a link to my review of Jupiter Ascending over at Smart Bitches, Trashy Books. An […]
@Meghan – just had to come back and thank you for the link!
I especially like the point about the eroticized male body and non-eroticized female body. It made me realize how rare that is in SF movies.
Maybe a shirtless Channing Tatum fighting bad guys in anti-grav boots doesn’t make up for Carrie Fisher having to kill Jabba the Hut in a metal bikini, but it’s a step in the right direction. I’ll take it. (But honestly, I’ll be happy when everyone can keep their clothes on while fighting aliens – apparently we’re not there yet. Baby steps.)
I was disappointed by the execution of this movie, particularly the CGI action sequences, which weren’t as painfully boring as the ones in the Hobbit movies (literally fell asleep for a second during one of those), but were boring enough. I hate to be this person, but I guess I am — I just think in too many big-budget now the CGI tail is wagging the dog.
BUT I loved the crazysauce story and would have loved even more crazy. And the non-action visuals were glorious –someday someone’s going to put today’s sumptuous visuals with a really great story, and it will be the BEST THING EVER.
So anyway, I started rewriting the story in my head — Sean Bean is now in Channing Tatum’s role, and Channing Tatum is his sidekick who hangs around not wearing a shirt. Jodie Foster is the lead (not because I don’t like Mila Kunis, I just want an age-appropriate romance and we know Foster can do both snark and green-screen sense of wonder. Kunis is now one of the scheming siblings.) And the lead is not passively getting shuttled from one person to another, she goes after her inheritance to save the earth, kicking butt (probably metaphorically) and taking names.
@ Hestia
I haven’t seen this yet but I’d love to see what you just wrote!
Thank you. I went and saw this movie after reading your review and it rocked my world. I loved how they would introduce characters (or not), they’d be around for two minutes, and then…nothing. Like the blond chick whose name Kunis used as an alias at the beginning who got probed/murdered/frisked–what the f happened to her? Or the bounty hunters? Or, you know, the other two royal siblings? Why was there an elephant driving the spaceship–Akbar wannabe much? Why did Channing aggressively ‘ride’ so many lizard dinosaurs? Where the f was Mila Kunis running to for the last 20 minutes of the movie? Just randomly flailing about a dissolving Jupiter industrial park (though I suppose that was about par for the course). I HAVE ALL THE QUESTIONS.
Thank you. Just…thank you. Also, there is definitely a problem with the grading rubric if this scored lower than fifty shades.
This review made me spit my sweet-tea on my keyboard. You ladies are hilarious. FYI Carrie, I am a straight-ish lady who does not want Channing all over her Tatum. I’m not into his face and waxed guys give me hives. Solidarity, sister.
Usually I dislike watching movies. I tend to get fidgety as my mind wanders and I’m rather chatty to boot, so I usually don’t have patience for movies(and books as well, but I do like trivia books for some reason). That said, I might like Jupiter Ascending. Perhaps I’ll check it out one of these days.
Rambling aside, the description of a winged dinosaur/dragon reminds me of Ridley of the Metroid series(though he’s described as being a Pterodactyl which is not a dinosaur at all, but my point still stands).
I loved this movie so much. It was absolutely fabulous. I saw it with my partner, and we both came out of it wondering why people keep complaining about the crazy plot. It was obviously a movie that was supposed to be lighthearted and funny and not take itself too seriously. The actors were in on the joke, but it seems a lot of the critics didn’t get it. Maybe they were wanting a dark and gritty Matrix clone. But it is Space Opera! Not Cyberpunk.
Yes, there were plot holes, and corny dialogue (but the dog line – didn’t you SEE their faces. He kind of grimaced at her and left, and then she pulled this ‘wtf did I just say?’ face. It was SUPPOSED to be awkward and funny).
I can only guess that most of the reviewers who keep going on about the cra-cra plot aren’t that familiar with space opera, including the various roleplaying games and computer roleplaying games. It was there by the truckload, and tbh one of the best renditions I have seen.
The seeding of human life on other planets? The Sianetic Harbingers and Ka’ta’viri from Spacemaster Imperium (by I.C.E.), and probably a lot of sci books I haven’t read. The splicing of humans with animal genes? Straight out of the Skyrealms of Jorune – and of course the elephant headed pilot was gene spliced. What is so hard to understand about that when it has been discussed multiple times already? The royal house and competing houses in intergalactic space? Spacemaster Imperium again, and also Dune, and also Fading Suns.
The harvesting of sentient life to prolong the lives of others was something I first read in Joan Vinge’s amazing book ‘The Snow Queen’ and it was something that came up again in a slightly different format in the Mass Effect crpgs. And of course it is one of the main hooks in The Matrix, although for slightly different purposes.
I loved the homages to other sci-fi and fantasy movies too – as Chicago was being destroyed, I said to my partner that they needed Agents Smith and Jones to clean up the mess (MIB). And then Cane talks about the memory wiping tool. The initial aliens who do the probing and testing are made to look like Greys, a type of alien that pops up everywhere in movies and tv (eg The X Files & MIB). The cornfield scene was reminiscent of Signs, and even the chase around the palace with Cane when Jupiter first arrived reminded me of The Wizard of Oz. And later, the flying lizard things in silhouette looked almost like winged monkeys. The whole movie had a kind of episodic / Saturday matinee pulp movie feel to it, which worked for me – and my partner said he thought it was like Flash Gordon. There were other references and hommages I can’t think of right now, and probably still more I missed because I haven’t seen / read them. Oh! and bits of Perdido Street Station by Mieville turned up too.
The is The Wachowskis Do Space Opera. And they did it brilliantly. I loved that Jupiter decided to save the earth instead of her family. I love that she spent the whole movie hitting on Cane while he tried to be restrained. I loved that – unlike most sci fi movies – the female lead was fully dressed the whole time. In the gamut from Barbarella to Lilu Dallas, I can’t really recall a time when that happened before.
They obviously love their sci fi stuff, they are both known to be fairly active gamers (both tabletop and computer gaming), and have even designed some computer games. They know their tropes, and pulled them all out for Jupiter Ascending – and then subverted a lot of them. I did wonder if Lana’s personal experiences over the past few years had much influence on the depiction of the heroine. Especially as Jupiter said several times ‘I’m still me’. (partner said I was being too meta, but so what).
And hell yeah I thought there was chemistry between Jupe and Cane. Just because it wasn’t the main plot doesn’t mean it wasn’t there. My heart has long been with Sean Bean, but I thought National Treasure Tatum did a good job.
To the person who linked the Threat Quality blog, thank you so much! I have just read it, and loved it. It has given me a few more things to think about before I see it again 😀
@Philippa you are my hero! This is pretty much how I felt. In fact, GothicCharmSchool over on Tumblr has some very interesting points that even I didn’t pick up:
http://gothiccharmschool.tumblr.com/post/112080882770/jupiter-ascending-more-than-sequins-in-space
I loved the crazy, over-the-top, Wachowski-brand whack this movie had. It was wild and original and quirky (space bees! Motherfscking SPACE BEES! and jet-powered roller blades! That is Boba Fett level badassery right there.)
I’m only kind of sorry that it was a movie. I would tune in every week to watch more of it. I would pre-order the whole damn season on Amazon so I knew I could get 22 episodes of brain-meltingly gorgeous visuals, a dressed heroine, a werewolf-angel-albino-rollerblading-jetpack space mercenary, and of course, Sean Bean as Dances With Bees (okay, did anybody else think Terry Pratchett with that bit?). And let’s not forget 14,000 year old people who are probably spot-on in acting their age, because 14,000 years probably does make you go a little nuts, and at the very least, a few millennia give you a chance to really hone your skills at pitching space-fits.
I want to cosplay this so bad. I want there to be panels at cons. I want there to be JupiterCons with bewildered Mila Kunis and Channing Tatum guest appearances.
This. Movie. Was. FUN. And it’s sad to say that I haven’t felt that way about a movie in probably a decade.
[…] music, emotion. But me, I’m about the story. And the story of The Flying Dutchman is pure Smart Bitches F+ crazysauce. In other words, […]
[…] or something in the movie to be entertained. Valerian is being compared to The Fifth Element and to Jupiter Ascending, two brilliantly beautiful movies that were as otherwise as dumb as a bag of […]