F
Genre: Paranormal, Romance
Theme: Dragons, Forced Proximity (stranded, safehouse, etc), Menage/Poly, Taboo Relationship/Forbidden Romance
Archetype: Step Sibling
If one ought to approach the New Year with the philosophy, “Begin as you mean to go on,” I am supremely fucked.
I blame the unholy trinity of my friends Maya, Kevin, and Kayleigh for this. Maya found it, Kayleigh tagged me on it, and Kevin cackled and then I read it and I am SO MAD. This was AWFUL. It wasn’t hilaribad, it wasn’t so entertainingly bad, it was just incomprehensibly bad. No one was likeable or consistent, the plot was just a mess, the language was insulting, and the editing just…. didn’t happen.
(Maya would like to point out that she never said I had to read it, but SHE KNOWS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DANGLE A RIDICULOUS COOKIE IN FRONT OF MY NOSE. SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE DID.)
Holly works in Florida as a financial/marketing something, and gets a message from her father that he’s remarried, and his wife and her two adult sons will be descending on her apartment for Christmas. With, like, one day’s notice, so already everyone is terrible people. Holly realizes that her new stepbrothers got an account at her firm just to check up on her, so she decides to fuck with them by sending pranky gifts, where “pranky” = “dog poop and rotten eggs.” They get kicked out of their hotel, and decide that they will crash at Holly’s place for the holiday- she is supposed to be their One True Mate or whatever.
Because they are dragons. That’s not a spoiler because it’s in the title.
Anyway, there’s a gang in the area that decides they’re going to fuck with Holly, which is cut short by one of the brothers breathing fire on them, and then Holly’s like, fine, you can sleep on the couch, we can talk about this mating business later, and the boys are like no, we sleep with our woman. We don’t have to have sex yet, but we will sleep in the same bed.
Assholes, you don’t even ask? You have your customs and shit, but you have no goddamn respect so you spring this on her? And then you’re like, “Well, we can wait for the sex, but the sex is DEFINITELY GOING TO HAPPEN.” And then they use exceedingly possessive language like “our woman” and “my woman” and “our little love” and jesus christ, just stop.
Anyway, before anything can be sorted out, the gang attacks again, and they all flee to the airport where the dragon brothers have an airplane waiting for them- piloted by another of the dragon shifter types. They flee from Florida until about Nebraska when damage to the plane from being shot at in Florida finally forces them down and they have to hide in a cave (in Nebraska). Then the brothers figure out that the dragon behind all of this is their archenemy and they have a big huge battle that lasts for exactly a page and a half and it’s dumb.
They all make it back to the dragon ranch in somewhere in Montana or where ever (seriously at this point I was skimming because it was all so STUPID) where Holly meets up with her father and new stepmother and has buttsex with her dominant dragon stepbrothers/lovers and suddenly one brother becomes king of all the dragons and that makes her a queen. The end.
Stupid plots I can handle, but stupid characters who are assholes with no redeeming qualities, save their ability at buttsex, or who are an attempt at a strong heroine without actual backbone… that’s just something I can’t forgive.
And that’s the worst part! Every time Holly stood up for herself in the face of these jackasses who showed up on her doorstep saying that they were now her mates and she has no say in the matter and had no inkling that dragons exist or that she even had stepbrothers, they’re like ‘ho ho, little lady! You don’t know what you want, and also what you want is irrelevant because you are our destined mate!” They think their interference is TOTALLY JUSTIFIED. Because this random gang decides to shoot up her place, “I’ve known you for five minutes, I’m not ready to fuck you” is answered with “I can’t wait to turn that ass of yours red with my spankings!” It’s just DUMB.
I mean, look, I have some problems with the “destined mate” trope to begin with, but if the plot mechanics involve BOTH PARTIES going, “You walked in and my heart went BOOM” and they’re both all for it and both understand that’s what happened, that’s one thing. But having one party going, “What the actual fuck is happening,” and then doubling down by not making the non-consenting party suddenly cool with everything with no transition from “WTAF” to “Put that in my ass,” is both insulting and bad writing.
(Or worse, “He’ll become anything she needs him to be and that makes this romantic” which is terrible for BOTH PARTIES. Sorry, Stephenie Meyer, I’m not cool with that and never will be.)
Also I spent $3 on this and it’s clear from the random punctuation and misspellings and occasional tense changes that no one edited this thing. At least have someone who can say, “Why are there random quotation makes in the middle of this sentence? And this one? WHY.”
WHY basically covers all of this. Look, you wanna write ridiculous erotica, you know that we’re all over that. I dish out the F+’s because that explains just where we are with the well-written of those. But you gotta have something to back up that hilaribad, otherwise IT’S JUST BAD.
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Great cover, though!
This is a post that must be shared.
*continuous cackling*
See, this is why I’m your good friend. When I find crazy crack (“let’s have group sex with Nessie!”), I read it to you instead of making you suffer.
This is also why we have a “delete my Kindle after I die” pact.
This totally isn’t riding on the popularity of “Game of Thrones”…
Also, I know that caves do exist in Nebraska, but that’s close to the palm trees in Illinois in “Halloween”. At least the author didn’t try to claim that there are caves in Florida, the state with theme park rides taller than the highest natural elevation.
But we do have caves in Florida! Check out Florida Caverns State Park. 🙂
Bad time to mention the Marianna Caverns and the Florida Caverns State Park?
Sorry, we do have them, we just don’t have a lot of them.
C’mon! You had to have some idea it wouldn’t even be hilaribad by the title. Her Stepbrothers are Dragons? Really?
Stepdragons be here and I will be far away. Thanks for taking one for the team, Redheadedgirl.
So, if they’re dragons why exactly do they need planes? Can’t they just fly around for free? Waste of $$$.
A reasonable question.
Am I the only one who reads the reviews of these horrors and just wants to rewrite the book so it’s good? Because stepbrothers who are dragons could be awesome.
Okay, but is her stepmother a horse? Are there any sparrows in the family?
RHG, you are the best worst book reviewer ever!
@Casey Perhaps they’re the kind of dragons that don’t have wings.
Meanwhile, back at the dragon ranch. . .
And, yep, I’m stealing “hilaribad.” (Which, oddly, my tablet just tried to autocorrect to “Bulgarians.”)
I thought this was a HaBo at first. “Her Stepbrothers Are Dragons, that sounds crazy I wonder what else she remembers. Oh there’s a cover too… wait…” (yes, I am rather unobservant but come on! that title!)
The cover is nice except, is that her bra strap on her arm? Because that tidbit is not so nice. Dragons in a night sky above a Christmasy home though, lovely.
My first thought “Dragons: good.” My second thought “F? Nuts.” My third thought: “If the stepbrothers are dragons, does that mean that the stepmother is also a dragon?”
I’m with @genie, stepbrothers who are dragons could be awesome.
I adore F reviews. Always so entertaining.
On a serious note, though, how on earth does something this bad get published? @Redheadedgirl, you don’t say but is this an indie or did an actual publishing house publish it?
I also hope, @Redheadedgirl, that you re-write this review so that it is different enough to be published on amazon, Goodreads etc, because the unsuspecting public needs to be warned against unscrupulous authors who expect readers to pay for claptrap written by people who don’t know the fundamentals of the English language and can’t be bothered to have it professionally edited.
It says in the title block under the cover that it’s published by Riverdale Avenue Books, their website claims they do editing and copy editing (https://riverdaleavebooks.com/faqs). Apparently, among other things, they’ve published (will publish?) an authorized biography of E. L. James.
Hmmmm…. “their website claims they do editing and copy editing ” I’d say, based on what Redheaded Girl has to say, that Riverdale Avenue Books lie through their teeth.
But wait, there’s more! I had to see this one for myself and found on Amazon: “Her Stpbrothers Are Bloodsuckers”, “Her Stepbrothers Are Aliens”, and “Her Stepbrothers’ Demands” among other erotica-looking titles by Trinity Blacio. At that point I decided to let Redheadedgirl take this one for the team. So, thanks, Redheadedgirl!
And I betcha they are identical stories with the only difference being the names.
You clearly have never had your magical dragon peen nagging you to have the buttsecks with your dragon queen. It’s enough to make anyone a little bossy.
Man you speak the truth every time RHG. I kind of give a wide berth to a lot of shifter-type novels just because of the whole destined mate thing. At worst it can feel pretty nonconsensual, at best it’s my least favorite romantic plot device. Also, in situations like the Lupi novels where magic compulsion makes them want bang, that’s rape IMO. Which does remind me that Andrea Host’s Champion of the Rose actually delicately and thoughtfully deals with issues around the violation of magical compulsion.
Ah I should clarify my last comment, I actually didn’t really hate the first Lupi novel. But it really hit that gray area for me where I wasn’t really convinced that she was really into him and I have very uncomfortable feelings about it.
Could be worse though. Eve of Darkness was even worse on the sliding scale of dubious consent seeing as Eve didn’t even see the dude’s face before they banged.
I’m always full of hope when I see a new urban fantasy novel with an asian woman heroine, but it’s so often this bullshit.
See my brain was somewhere-else because I saw the title and thought it was urban fantasy. I figured the plot was more about a girl trained by her dragon step-brothers to fight villains. Clearly I was WAY WAY off.
Love the review though!
Best line in a review ever – “with no transition from “WTAF” to “Put that in my ass.”
How these horrible books get published I will never understand.