This review is from Tam B, who is brave and bold and unabashed about reading rock star Darcy romances. 

Tam B: When I saw this book on the SBTB sales advice, my thoughts mirrored the comments from Dread Pirate Rachel. She wrote:

Fitzwilliam Darcy.

Rock Star.

W.
T.
F.

I don’t know whether to be horrified or to buy this immediately. Probably both.

I decided to risk the $1.99.

This book opened with a prologue that sets up the rest of the book. It’s in the format of an interview / documentary on the band Slurry – brainchild of one Fitzwilliam Darcy. We learn that his parents, Anne Fitzwilliam and Walter Darcy are a world famous classical guitarist and business mogul, respectively. They were the ultimate expression of opposites attract. As mad as they were about each other, they had our Will Darcy and promptly forgot about him. He was the poor little rich boy.

Then, quite a while later, they have Georgianna and the family is reborn. Anne decides to stop the touring and give her children some time. To this extent she teaches Will the guitar. Of course he’s a prodigy. Then tragedy strikes in the form of Anne being diagnosed with and dying of cancer within a two month period. Will retreats into his studies and the family becomes estranged until father and son find ways to bond when Walter takes them all on an extended tour of Europe. They all return to the US, Will goes to university and meets and befriends Charles Bingley.

Tragedy again strikes in the form of Walter Darcy suffering a massive heart attack and dying. Will keeps it together for Georgie, finishes his studies, graduating with dual degrees in business and literature. He channels his grief into music and creates his own brand of hard rock. Will forms Slurry with his cousin Richard Fitzwilliam and childhood friend George Wickham. Will decides to walk away from actively managing his father’s companies and takes music as his new direction and meets with some success. The band suffers a break up due to “artistic differences” between George and Will. Charles Bingley becomes the new lead singer. They make it big.

However, the band suffers during tours and is in danger of gaining a reputation of a being a problem to tour with. We start the story with Slurry in need of a new support act and checking out Long Borne Suffering, made up of Jane and Lizzie Bennet and Charlotte Lucas.

I’m open to the idea of P&P being altered. I enjoy the book, love the BBC series with Colin Firth and equally love Bride and Prejudice, Lost in Austen and Lizzie Bennet Diaries. All represent retellings that clearly respect the original story. I’ve also enjoyed a “rock star” retelling performance of Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing that kept all the original language but turned some of soliloquies into songs and it was genius! So in theory this should have been totally my catnip. It wasn’t.

SPOILERS AHOY

Part of my problem was my history with P&P.

Even though this book is set in the US, all the characters are very clearly American and there is never any English inference – I still heard Colin Firth when I read this book. In fact, I kept picturing him in leather pants from the scene from What A Girl Wants.

Like this:

 

You know, that needs to be animated. Hold onto your chairs.

 

(Interestingly, when I googled to find this pic, there was already a search label for “Colin Firth What A Girl Wants leather pants” – hmmm)

Moreover, Caroline, Slurry’s manager – Charle’s twin in this book and NICE, I kept picturing as the Caroline from Lost in Austen, who as it turns out is the mean girl in What A Girl Wants – and in both movies is the epitome of upper class English lady.

So it was hard for me to suspend P&P connections with these two bouncing about my head. But there were bigger problems than that.

The first couple of chapters I was still in the curiosity versus horror mode. I wasn’t sure how I felt about the concept but curiosity won out. Then once we established the players I was curious how the story was going to be executed. My problem with this book was that I felt like instead of taking the P&P world as an idea base and having some fun with it, the author had a P&P checklist and was studiously making sure we hit all the required P&P landmarks.

The P&P Checklist:

– Lizzie and Darcy meet and he antagonizes her:
Check: After deciding that the girls band will do for a support group, Darcy explains to his bandmates that this is the girls’ big break and that they will likely do anything to keep it going, including latching on to them. His advice is to, “keep your dicks clean”.

– Jane and Bingley meet and adore one another.
Check: Jane and Charles made my teeth ache, they were so incredibly, saccharine sweet a couple. I found it hard to believe that a lead singer of a hard rock band was THAT school boy sweet. This is a guy who women throw themselves at. Who admits to being no angel and yet all their interactions, until we get to sex, would not be that out of place in the original P&P. It was jarring, given not only the modern setting but the rock star / rock band set up, too.

Jane fortunately, wasn’t portrayed as a never been touched virgin, and had obviously had past relationships. But it was all rainbows and unicorns and you’ve got to be kidding me.

– Mr Collins visits and proposes to Lizzie
Check: Well sort of. Instead of a proposal we get a proposition. Bill Collins is the band’s A&R Manager and strongly believes in the casting couch. He tries with Lizzie and gets rebuffed and she tells Darcy, who has him removed from the tour.

– Mr Collins proposes to Charlotte Lucas
Check: Again, we have proposition instead of proposal and he almost succeeds here. Charlotte is in some emotional turmoil due to Richard (more later) and feels alone and unable to talk to the girls. Bill and Charlotte are interrupted but enough happens to spark outrage by all.

– Bingley leaves Netherfield and Jane believes she’s lost him
Check: Here’s where I felt the author reached a little too far in order to match the original P&P. Charles’ dad was convicted of insider trading, it was kept out of the press and his parole hearing is up and likely to be successful. Charles heads to California for the hearing and to subsequently set up his father in his guest house and spend time with him. He couldn’t tell Jane because Darcy thought it all should be kept on the down low. And he’s an idiot who can be all rainbows and sweetness with a girl but not actually trust her with an explanation of the situation and a request to keep the information to herself.

– Lizzie meets Wickham
Check: In our book, Wickham is now a music video director. He shoots the video for Lizzie’s song and flirts with her the entire time. The two end up making out a little and of course, bond hugely.

– Lizzie meets Lady Katherine de Bourgh
In the original, this meeting and those subsequent drive the plot and establish Lizzie’s determination and strength. In this book, it’s filler. It takes place at a cocktail party and they have conversation that barely rates above chit chat.

– Darcy’s tells Lizzie the REAL Wickham story
Check: George Wickham – turns out he’s a pedophile. Yep, he seduced 14 year old Georgianna. Darcy threw him off the tour, out of the band and put Georgie into therapy but didn’t bring charges to avoid further drama to Georgie.

No, that didn’t gross me out MUCH! Or make me cringe with dread about possible upcoming events with Lydia.

– Darcy’s Declaration
Check: I thought this part of the book was particularly weak. We have Will Darcy, rock star, millionaire (possibly billionaire), after having had sex with Lizzie Bennet, commences to declare himself in embarrassing fashion, – he could have used some P&P restraint. And wonders why Lizzie bolts, overwhelmed by said declaration.

Whilst I’m sure the original Lizzie and Darcy enjoyed themselves in bed, I’m not really comfortable with the idea of ELIZABETH BENNET stripping, sitting herself on a kitchen stool, spreading her legs for Darcy to give it to her good.

One point about their sex scenes that irritated me was that EVERY other couple practiced safe sex. They were all reaching for condoms or putting them on etc. Will and Lizzie – it’s NEVER mentioned, discussed or referred to! How do they get to be exempt from the realities of having sex?

– Lizzie visits Pemberley
Check: This was wrenched into the storyline so hard the text should have taken a right angle when I was reading it. Mary was a total plot moppet for these scenes, along with Georgie. Lizzie goes out to visit Mary, bumps into Will and Georgie. The siblings invite the sisters out and then our plot moppets disappear leaving the “happy couple” to chat and work things out and have sex all over Pemberley.

– Darcy “saves the day”
Check: So fortunately the author didn’t pursue the Lydia / Wickham storyline per the original. Instead we had Wickham set up Lizzie with drugs on the way back from their second video shoot. Darcy sends in his top of the line lawyer and the charges get dropped but the cops then ask Lizzie to participate in a sting on George. This was unnecessary and entirely unbelievable with regards to the way the action gets set up and carried out so fast.

– Everyone reconciles
Check: Yep, our three couples reconcile and then all marry on the same day (essentially to save on drama and effort on the part of Lizzie/Darcy and Richard/Charlotte). They give an interview as an epilogue and it turns out Jane and Charles’ hearts and flowers and rainbows were contagious.

The Extras:

Our surprise couple, Richard Fitzwilliam and Charlotte Lucas. Richard is a total man-whore player. He bangs groupies so much and so often, they are referred to by everyone as “flavours.” He’s very up front about what’s happening – they’re a groupie who want to bang a rock star, and he’s a rock star who is happy to oblige. Richard is an alcoholic and is likely using sex as his new addiction. This is tolerated as it’s mostly controlled.

Charlotte is mostly in the background until an incident on stage (a bottle thrown at Jane) causes her to seek out Richard for comfort.

These two keep up the friends with benefits with the odd “flavor” thrown in (separately), but develop real feelings for each other. Charlotte is prepared to take the chance. Richard decides to embody every brooding historical hero ever written and decide she deserves better. Does he have a conversation to convey this? No, that would be too easy. Instead, he cuts her off and commences to up the man whoring to new levels to ensure she knows she’s better off without him. Yes, he’s in love with her and he’s going to show it by breaking her heart and whoring around – lovely.

The “Should Have Been Cut”:

Anne de Bourgh is the A&R label manager for Slurry. She alternatively nice and a bitch. I’m still not sure by the end of the book.

Katherine de Bourgh hosts a party and meets Lizzie. She is referred to throughout the book but doesn’t feature in the action in the same manner as in P&P.

Mr and Mrs Bennet and the rest of the family. We meet all of the Bennets early on in the book at a lunch at their home and I really don’t know why. It doesn’t add to the book. It is meant to further establish the divide between Darcy and Lizzie as when he arrives (in his luxury car) she is mowing the lawn. He’s perplexed as to why they don’t have a service. But the attempt to establish prince to peasant boundaries doesn’t work with these scenes and ultimately I felt this was filler to drop character names rather than add to the book.

In Conclusion:
Part of the charm of the original P&P for me are those moments that make you cheer or cringe for the character. Mrs Bennet and her lack of tact and machinations; Mr Bennet defying Mrs Bennet and giving Lizzie the choice over who will never speak to her again. Darcy telling Caroline that he’s long considered Lizzie one of the handsomest women of his acquaintance. Lizzie having to grow up and accept that Charlotte accepting Mr Collins wasn’t a betrayal of their friendship but a reflection of her circumstances. Lizzie, holding her own against Lady Katherine. Jane’s calm and stalwart strength in understanding that the family hopes depend on her marrying well and enduring all the (Mrs Bennet) related carry on. The entire Pemberley scene! I could go on, but my point is that the charm is in the turning points and smaller details that reflect the life of the family. This book lacks that charm.

This was the most un-rock star story I’ve read to date (and that’s including What Goes On Tour which has a hero who “slips on” the rock star for performances only and is a doting uncle for the rest of the time). The story was unable to reconcile the image we all have of Fitzwilliam Darcy into a modern man who is the lead guitarist and creator of a hard rock band. The language and actions of the book were like a pendulum that swung from the original P&P to modern day without reflecting the quality of the former and failed to define latter. The combination is jarring and too juxtaposed to work.

Ultimately, I believe it is possible to retell P&P in a modern setting. I do not believe this book does so well.