D+
Genre: Fantasy/Fairy Tale Romance, LGBTQIA, Time Travel, Romance
NB: Heather T. saw this book among yesterday’s cover snark and said, “I think I need to read this.” For science, I presume. Whatever the reason, we’re grateful! Welcome, Heather!
The cover of this little missive showed up on the Bitchery because the cover and the concept were just So Fucking Funny. The cover showed this guy wearing nothing but glasses and a huge bejeweled codpiece. A MAGIC BEJEWELED CODPIECE.
I volunteered to take one for the team and read it because it sounded crazysauce and it was m/m and a man in glasses and art history and time travel, all of which are my catnip – so what could go wrong between those concepts and getting this story into my eyeballs?
A lot, is the answer. A lot could go wrong.
Because let’s be clear, despite the title, and despite the cover art, and despite the story supposedly being about a MAGICAL BEJEWELED CODPIECE, this story was actually about a cleanliness fetish being replaced by a sweat fetish. Who would ignore a MAGICAL BEJEWELED CODPIECE in favor of sniffing armpits? Apparently B. Snow would, is the answer.
So here’s the story. Tom is an art historian, specializing in Renaissance jewelry. He is fastidious, a clean-freak, and dating Peter – who seems okay, but Tom isn’t really jazzed. A friend of Tom dies, leaving a piece of art to a museum in San Francisco, and Tom is asked to make sure the piece, yes, a MAGICAL BEJEWELED CODPIECE gets to San Fran.
Tom is all excited because he believes that the codpiece was made by the artist Benedetto Emilio (the “Emily” in the title) Nesci, an artist that Tom has been obsessed with. Tom must be the worst art historian in the universe though, because to do some further research on Signor Nesci, an artist he’s supposedly passionate about, he uses fucking Wikipedia.
So Tom has the codpiece and he’s fantasizing about Nesci and getting a little turned on and he decides to put on the codpiece and WOOSH, he’s in Renaissance Florence, in Nesci’s workshop, and Nesci is there insisting on instant sexy funtimes.
Unfortunately, Tom, instead of being curious or excited or taken aback by his hero wanting to bone him without a “hello sailor” dwells exclusively and at length on how unclean everything is. The whole time in the past is page after page of Tom describing the dirt on the people, the floors, the bad breath, the dirty hair (with lice), the stink of unwashed bodies, the filth of the furniture.
And here’s the even weirder thing – Tom complains about Nesci smelling bad and asks if Nesci ever washes and Nesci says, “Of course I wash! I washed just yesterday, or maybe it was the day before. I don’t remember.” So not only is Tom bizarrely obsessive about cleanliness, but it turns out that Nesci isn’t even that dirty – at least not for the times. Tom –an art historian who has just been transported back to fucking Renaissance Florence — can’t handle the grime and before Nesci can do much more than shake his hand, Tom puts the Magic Codpiece back on and wooshes back to the twenty-first century. Where he spends TWO FUCKING PAGES of a 46-page book cleaning. Good times.
After he cleans up, Tom goes to the gym to find Peter because he’s so freaked out. Tom and Peter go off to the showers to chat, because that’s what one does apparently, when Tom realizes that Peter’s been working out and smells all sweaty and manly and all and suddenly Tom is like GIVE ME ALL OF THE STINK, and he’s snuffling Peter’s armpits and crotch like there’s no tomorrow. There’s a relatively well-written but quick blow job, then it is back to the sweat sniffing and licking and a lot of talk about sweat and stinking and Tom realizes that the missing piece that’s been standing in the way of his realizing that Peter is his HEA is some good ol’ armpit stank. The end.
Here, wait, I hear you ask – what about the MAGICAL BEJEWELED CODPIECE? Oh yeah, it gets put into a vault and then it’s going to get sent to that museum in San Francisco.
Why have a story about a MAGICAL BEJEWELED CODPIECE that doesn’t really feature the MAGICAL BEJEWELED CODPIECE but is all about whiffing pong? Beats me, just like it confuses me to have an art historian that apparently isn’t interested in art or history.
Why is it called “Emily’s” codpiece when “Emilio” makes more sense? Stop, just stop with the questions now! None of this makes sense — all the promise but in the end, no crazysauce, just sweat.
I give this a D+, but only because it actually isn’t badly written and if you’ve got a sweat fetish, this is the book for you. But for anyone looking forward to the MAGICAL BEJEWELED CODPIECE, the disappointment is strong.
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Thanks!
Well, damn. I am disappointed. Thanks for taking one for the team though!
The words…They have left me.
I can only think that the gang at Dreamspinner got really drunk and thought it was April Fools day, woke up the next day….and it was already up at Amazon.
He looks so perturbed in that cover. That’s like, “Aw man, not ANOTHER magical codpiece,” like he’s put upon and this has happened before. Something about the pose and the glasses, I keep hearing Ned Flanders’ voice in my head. “Gosh diddly dang gum it, this Renaissance is just PACKED with dirt!” Great review!
I’d love to read the cover art form that the author filled in for Dreamspinner.
Ah, yes, exactly as I suspected after I read the cover blurb yesterday. A great title and cover wasted on a lousy story. A great pity.
Let’s not be too hard on Tom, though, about that Wikipedia thing. That is all B. Snow’s fault. Whatever happened to writers writing about what they know about, eh? Clearly B. Snow knows nothing at all about the world of art history and betrays this whopping ignorance.
Although I am certain that B. Snown is 100% correct and by modern American standards Renaissance Florence would have been unsanitary.
Love the review, and appreciate you taking one for the team; I was laughing out loud at the review, which is unfortunate since I am now getting weird looks from the other diners in the restaurant. Like eating on my own wasn’t weird enough. The joys of business travel!
$3.99 for 56 pages? No, thank you.
Those aren’t weird looks! Those are gazes of envy because they also want a good laugh to brighten up their day!
Oh no! So disapointed! Great review but… I would have LOVED a great story with m/m, art historiy and time travel to renaissance Florence. Loooots of catnip there. If anyone has a simmilar, but better, book to recommend I would be really happy to hear about it. 🙂
And props to you, Heather, for getting though it. I would have stopped at the first whiff of sweat. And I like my historic times at least somewhat clean. Maybe not historicaly acurate, but it just feels nicer to read and fantasize about.
Heather T., I also appreciate you taking one for the team.
Now I wonder, did Tom sanitize the codpiece before he tried it on? He looks a bit afraid of cooties on the book cover.
Does that guy on the cover remind anyone else of a young shirtless Morrissey? No? Just me then.
@kajsa – Tamara Allen has a couple time travel mm stories (set in U.S. And UK) but tbh, I prefer her historically to her time travels.
And Jordan Castillo Price has a short story Moolah and Moonshine, that’s also mm timetravel, but again, it’s not my fave by her.
Thanks for throwing yourself under the bus for our amwsement. 😉
What a waste of a perfectly good magical bejeweled codpiece, clearly someone needs to write a better take on it. Maybe there could be a contest?
Are you KIDDING me? An art historian has in his possession an artifact that will allow him to time travel to Renaissance Florence and casts it aside for a quickie in the shower? I never thought I’d say nor type these words but: Give me that codpiece! I would use it to travel through time and experience the wonders of the Renaissance. Since I have no anatomical need for such ornamentation obviously I could stash a bottle of purell in the thing while I time traveled for hygienic purposes. There, I could commune with Renaissance artists whilst introducing them to antibacterial agents! And I wouldn’t waste time sniffing a single armpit.
What a disappointment.
Lora,
That thing looks large enough to store a bottle of Purell, a box of tampons, a mini first aid kit, and possibly a tiny digital camera.
Though if I KNEW it would take me to the Renaissance I’d see if the field of transport covered a rolling suitcase. “So witch, explain this magic book with no pages and ‘sol-ar-char-ger'”
I would ssssssssssooooooooooooo love an e-reader with a solar battery.
I appreciate you doing this for all of us and I especially appreciate knowing who “Emily” is.
Oh, how disappointing. I think someone needs to write the novel that ought to go with that cover and title. Maybe that someone is even me…
Watch – now there will be Bejeweld Codpiece fanfic, filling in the gaps (hur) left by the story.
I’m in favor of that, actually.
Who among us is going to start that fanfic website? It cannot be I since to computer is an arcane gnosis the secret of which has yet to be vouchsafed unto me. Clearly we are 100% in agreement that B. Snow wasted the idea of Emily’s Magical Bejeweled Codpiece and mild-mannered Clark Kent wearing it. Clearly we are in agreement that this is a storyline that must not, ought not, should not be wasted. See what I did there? Alphabetical order. heh heh heh.
I’m disappointed. After seeing the cover, I was expecting this to be a kind of porn reverse Cinderella story, with Emily in possession of a bejewelled magical codpiece that she has to try on various Prince Charming types in search of the perfect fit. At least in MY version it would actually get some use! Why would anyone come up with such an awesome idea and then not use it?
“an artist that Tom has been obsessed with. Tom must be the worst art historian in the universe though, because to do some further research on Signor Nesci, an artist he’s supposedly passionate about, he uses fucking Wikipedia.”
He’s obsessed with this artist and has never googled him and found the Wikipedia page for him before this. He’s not only a bad art historian, he’s a lousy obsessive fanboy. Who doesn’t google things interest them?
Someone could arrange to heist the codpiece while it is en route to the museum. Then a whole new and better story could ensue….Any takers?
@roserita: this story needs to be written. It’s for the greater good!
I second, third and fourth the fanfic idea. The magic of the codpiece must not be wasted!
I second, third and fourth the fanfic idea. The magic of the codpiece must not be wasted! And @roserita’s must be the first story. I would read the heck out of that.