Book Review

Gold Plated Garbage Truck by T.C. Allen

F

Title: Gold Plated Garbage Truck
Author: T.C. Allen
Publication Info: Chippewa Publishing LLC/Lady Aibell Press August 2006
ISBN: 1-933400-58-7
Genre: Science Fiction/Fantasy

Gold Plated Bonerdeath I paid $5 to read this book on my Blackberry, and took two Tylenol for the headache I got from reading on the tiny screen, and two more this morning for residual agony. I’m thinking that I might need some kind of counseling to recover from the utter badness that is this book, and that’s roughly, what, $80-100 an hour?

This was a very expensive mistake indeed, but when the Bitchery clamors for a review, I try to step up.

Even Hubby said, “You’re seriously reading that?”

I exacted revenge for his doubt by reading portions aloud, prompting the following responses:

“Oh, my God.”

“Please, please stop.”

If I had to describe this book in two words, those words would be: complete bonerdeath. This book will suck the sexy out of any known being, and leave any libido in the tri-state area dry and gasping. This book is the real reasons all those erotica novel vaginas are weeping.

It’s so awful I can’t even finish it. I already need some kind of mental restoration for having introduced the story into my head. If only I could return my brain to ‘last known good’ configuration, because my memory at present contains the following details:

Wilbur and Homer are best friends. Wilbur drives a garbage truck in Humper County, Oklahoma, and dreams of driving a gold-plated garbage truck while wearing a white Stetson and a red bandanna and some clothing of some sort. He prefers to drive said truck while high or drunk or both, and shoot the reflectors off the road signs and pepper the anatomy of billboard models with bulletholes from his handgun. At the start of our story, he runs out of bullets and goes home to find Homer boinking Wilbur’s wife, Emily.

Emily, it should be noted, is referred to repeatedly and I assume ironically as innocent, sweet, delicate and pure by Wilbur, the narrator, despite the numerous times he comes home to find her naked with some dude sneaking out the trailer door.

Homer takes off running because he thinks Wilbur’s gun is loaded and aimed at his ass, leaving Emily naked on the floor to explain what was going on. It certainly was what it looked like so at least she didn’t attempt a lame defense.

Instead, she attacks Wilbur’s manhood, tells him he doesn’t sexually satisfy her, and furthermore, she’s right pissed at him for not shooting Homer when they were both caught bareassed on the floor: “I’ll tell you what the matter is. You come waltzing in here with your truck pistol in your hand and catch me bare ass naked with another man and you don’t shoot him? I mean, even if he is your best friend, you should of shot him, at least once, somewhere.”

You can read more of the first chapter here. Bring painkiller. Or vascodilators. Or both.

Mixed in with the decidedly un-erotic content is a plot that somehow details how Wilbur, Emily, and Homer become country music stars by playing in a bar, which upsets poor Wilbur because he’s neglecting his trash collection duties. Emily gives birth to a baby that looks like neither Homer nor Wilbur, and they start calling themselves co-husbands since both of them like to boink Emily. Connie, Homer’s ex, is in there somewhere, too. And there are other ancillary characters, like some religious nutjobs who want to shut their act down. And here I am, siding with the religious right – these characters should be stopped.

Now, I’m fully willing to take a good number of romance and erotica plots with a great heavy grain of salt, most notably those that mix camp and sex for really off-the-wall erotica. And when reading erotica, I am also fully willing to read through scenes that don’t do it for me personally, but may engage some fantasies of other readers, such as watching a spouse do the carpet burn-and-roll with someone else, or catching someone in the act of poopchute lovin’ in a cop car. Whatever. People get their jollies from all manner of sexual content, and most of the time, I’m not judgmental about varying sexual proclivities.

However, this story isn’t erotic. It’s not even sexy. It’s just bad. Despite being categorized as “erotica,” with warnings that the content of the eBook is meant for mature audiences there’s really no erotic content. It’s just… lame. Lame lame lame. There was plenty of room for mixed-partner sex scenes, but Allen describes the sexual interaction in one sentence. There’s no description. At one point, Wilbur decides that he likes what-what-in-the-butt with Homer’s ex-wife Connie, so he grabs some butter, slaps her on the butt with it, and engages in some back door lovin’ on the hood of a car. This is described in fifteen to twenty words, tops. My description here? Longer than the actual scene. Allen has the same problem Wilbur has: “crawl on, stick it in and shoot it off.” This is the first erotica novel I’ve read that has its own case of sexual dysfunction.

Another example of potential erotic content that suffered total melting of the man cannon: during a brawl, Connie gets hurt on her breast, which she shows to the two arresting officers who report to the scene. Medical attention is needed – from both officers! In the squad car! And Connie decides to engage the car’s radio so the boinka-boink in her badonkadonk is broadcast to every listening officer AND every person tuned into the police scanner. It’s like the cop-car-in-the-woods version of having the pool boy visit the cabana. Imagine the sexual comedic potential of writing a scene like that.

What happens?

Connie goes off to the squad car, comes back a few minutes later, and tells Wilbur she turned the CB radio on before they got busy. That’s it. That’s all the reader gets. There’s no show, no tell, and really, no damn point to the whole thing. How is this erotica? It’s not. It’s merely rot.

In the hands of a writer who could craft a sensual or even a raunchy sex scene, the rural ramblings of Wilbur (the story is told in first person, heavy on the rural vernacular) could have resulted in something spicy and sexy, if not at least entertaining. The story itself could have been an erotic romp between bizarre characters, or a journey toward ignominious stardom, or even a lot of backdoor buttered sex, but the plot deflated every time it got close to being something other than tawdry, lame, and altogether stupid.

In short: this book is instant, complete, and total bonerdeath. Stay far, far away.

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Kerry Allen says:

    I fear for your physical and mental health because you handled this toxic material, but Bitch You Have Gone Too Far with reading passages out loud.

    You know the baby can hear that, right? You’ve scarred her for life in ways she may never understand…

  2. 2
    SandyO says:

    I agree, Sarah, you must think of Baba O’Reilly.  “Books” like that should come with a warning label. Do Not Read if Pregnant, Breathing or Have Brain in Gear.

  3. 3
    SB Sarah says:

    You’re totally right. It’s like the air quality warning – this book is dangerous for the elderly, infirm, pregnant, or those with respiratory distress.

  4. 4
    Wendy says:

    I’m sorry I’m still trying to get past the names Homer & Wilbur.

  5. 5
    Kalen Hughes says:

    Candy, thanks for taking one for the team. Find me in Dallas so I can buy you a drink or two.

    “married12” is my verification word. Do you think that’s some kind of comment on hillbilly love?

  6. 6
    SB Sarah says:

    Sorry, Kalen, this one was me (Sarah). And either way, we’re both cheap dates. I don’t drink much if any right now, and Candy doesn’t drink at all.

  7. 7
    Kassiana says:

    Dear God. I just had visions of Homer Simpson, Walter Post, and Mr. Ed in a nasty three-way…and from Sarah’s description, that’s better than Allen’s gold-plated garbage…

  8. 8
    Kalen Hughes says:

    Welcome to being distracted while reading the blogs. LOL! A bun in the oven does tend to slow down the booze intake (or it should!). I’ll have to owe ya.

  9. 9
    Jude says:

    Even the blurb is painful with typos, misspellings, and one sentence fragment I cannot decipher—something about a tool, a knee, and the soft.

  10. 10
    Rachel says:

    Honestly, after reading as much of the first chapter as I could stand, this was all that came to mind…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGjtpOC6VgE

  11. 11
    Carrie Lofty says:

    Rachel, that was just mean.

    And Sarah, how does it rate on the Sweet Savage Scale of F grades?

  12. 12
    SB Sarah says:

    Candy asked me the same question – did it break the Edwards Line of unspeakable awfulness?

    It didn’t but for a specific reason: it had potential to be somewhat campy and fun and failed miserably. Edwards doesn’t even have potential. It starts off bad and keeps going.

    Yet this book isn’t an F+, either. It’s just F-ing awful.

  13. 13
    Ann Bruce says:

    Ooh, is there a book version of a sorbet palette cleanser?  NR?  Crusie? Kinsale?

    My heartfelt thanks for saving me mucho dinero in therapy. I was actually tempted to read the books to see if they lived up (or, rather, down) to the covers. That first chapter cured any current and all future temptation.

  14. 14

    This is why you got the book deal – you’re willing to do your research and sacrifice yourself for the good of us all.

    (Not that I was ever remotely tempted to spend money on those titles, but still…

  15. 15
    Najida says:

    Oh my!
    You actually READ that thing….poor baby.

    Thank you for doing it for us.

  16. 16
    Mel-O-Drama says:

    Just reading the review makes me wanna gouge out my eyes with a spoon. I can’t imagine how I’d feel if I actually read the book.

    However, I’m impressed they were able to work Gold Plated Garbage Truck into a title. That’s quite an accomplishment.

  17. 17
    Little Miss Spy says:

    Read part of the first chapter. Tongue manouvers? Ugh! You’ve got to be kidding me. Its horrid!

  18. 18
    Stephanie says:

    I can’t believe you made it past the first few paragraphs.Your pain threshold must be incredibly high.

  19. 19
    hollygee says:

    Which of the two women on the cover is purported to be “innocent, sweet, delicate and pure”?

  20. 20

    Hey, when we dared you to do this it was kind of like daring you to stick your tongue on the frozen flagpole.  I never expected you to actually do it.

    You’re going to have to read something profound aloud to clear this out of little Baba’s head.

  21. 21
    Bella says:

    did anyone happen to note that someone rated the book “good”? let’s see, you’ve got the author… and people the author paid? awful, just awful.

  22. 22
    Ann says:

    There’s never a good time to call someone a dumbass. Except I must. You’re a dumbass. You picked up a book titled The Gold Plated Garbage Truck, and you’re surprised it was awful. Would you order a dish called “A Couch Covered in Paisley Fabric”? in a restuarant? I mean a guess you could, but don’t be surprised if it’s tasteless and dry.

  23. 23

    It’s our fault, Ann.  We dared the SBs to read it.  I confess that I may have been the first to throw the dare.  We’re like little kids on the playground, only meaner and with bigger boogers.

  24. 24
    kate r says:

    well
    um

    I read the first chapter of this book that’s available on the website and I laughed aloud, twice. I wasn’t looking for hot passion erotic stuff (because wooweee, it’s so obviously not going to be there) and maybe I was expecting horrible and don’t always mind horrible.

    Anyway.

    I liked what I read.

    I’m not sure I’d buy it because a little bit goes a long way. But I thought it was funny send up of stupid stereotypes and I think it was supposed to be? Maybe?

    I’ve fallen so very, very far in my personal reading standards. I didn’t like Confederacy of Dunces because I thought it was too obvious and the humor too physical.**Sob**

  25. 25
    Carrie Lofty says:

    Kate, sweetie, should I be worried that you like my stuff?

  26. 26
    Kim says:

    My eyes! My eyes!

    I’m sorry – I just can’t get past Homer and Wilbur. Wii-lll-bur!

    Five minutes of my life I’ll never get back.

  27. 27
    kate r says:

    Could be something to worry about, yeah.

    I do think I had the advantage: I read the chapter expecting the worst and certainly not expecting anything that could be called “erotic romance”  Just that one chapter really is major bonerdeath, Sarah’s absolutely right about that.

    She read it expecting she’s supposed to like and cheer for the characters—in other words, the usual sort of approach romance readers have for a book. I read it having been warned and thought it was a lot like that damned Confederacy of Dunces. We are definitely supposed to laugh at these people, not with them. 

    Hey, lovelysalome, if it makes you feel better maybe my current bout of tastelessness is temporary.

  28. 28
    SB Sarah says:

    There’s never a good time to call someone a dumbass. Except I must. You’re a dumbass. You picked up a book titled The Gold Plated Garbage Truck, and you’re surprised it was awful.

    Well, aside from the exceptionally high eyebrow raised at being called a dumbass, I do have to say – one thing I’ve learned running this site is that (a) authors don’t get to pick their cover art, and (b) they don’t get to pick their titles sometimes, either. So reading it was more of a “maybe it’s like that Fabio cover on Kinsale’s Flowers from the Storm,” or maybe there’s something redeemable inside.

    I was wrong. But I sure am not a dumbass.

  29. 29
    B says:

    OMG. I saw the title of that post. And was like ‘I’ve never seen them making fun of the book in the TITLE but that IS funny’.

    Then came the moment of stupendous realisation that this was in fact the title of the book.

    Surely it was meant to be funny? Or something… but as you said, fail.

  30. 30
    Krysia says:

    Wilbur and Homer? Are you effing *kidding* me? WTF names their heros after a freaking *pig* and an odessey? The *only* way I think I’d be able to deal with a Wilbur is if Brad Pitt *pre-Angelina* played the role.

    Okay. Now that I got that off my chest… On to read the rest of your review… :-)

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