Fifty Shades of Grey
by Kelly Marcel, EL James
Amanda and I (and a not insignificant stash of alcohol) went to Fifty Shades of Grey so you don’t have to. We take our jobs seriously here at the Pink Palace of Bitchery.
We will also turn your attention to the $50 Not 50 Shades campaign, which is aimed at raising money for battered women. Shelters in your area would be delighted with any money or items like tampons and maxipads, toothpaste, baby food, and things of that nature.
If you are one of the lucky people who have not heard about this nonsense, this is the movie version of EL James’ Twilight fanfic turned international tapping of the zeitgiest, where abuse disguised as terrible BDSM practices have been introduced to the wider world.
RHG: Not enough booze.
Amanda: Well at least we know for the second movie to probably triple our supplies. Should we start off with the things we liked, because I’m sure that’s a shorter list.
RHG: Dakota Johnson is a fucking professional the tried her hardest with the crap she was given. She was charming and charismatic on screen, and I hope to god that she manages to get a decent career after this.
Amanda: PREACH
She made Ana likable, funny, and necessarily skeptic about the whole clusterfuck of a situation.
RHG: Making Ana likable? REALLY HARD. REALLY REALLY HARD.
Amanda: Well there was none of that “inner goddess” BS to deal with either. None of those wet blanket, milquetoast monologues. My expectations were low in general and I firmly expected Dakota to be the one that made me cringe, but she wasn’t.
RHG: Christ I forgot about that bullshit.
Nope, she was not the cringey one.
Amanda: And that soundtrack. Another plus for me.
RHG: I kept expecting to hear “It’s a man’s world.” But the slow version of of “Crazy in Love” was the best part of the movie.
Amanda: Besides the meeting over fisting rules, of course.
RHG: WORD. Actually seeing Ana negotiate the contract was hilarious.
Amanda: Bonus points for not letting Douchcanoe Grey talk her into things she clearly had no interest in. “Oh you might like it. Sure you don’t want to try?”
“Fuck off. That’s not my sort of stuff.”
(I’m paraphrasing here.)
RHG: Now lets talk about the cardboard elephant in the room. I speak, of course, of Jamie Dornan. Look, there’s a lot of stuff one can put on the page that works in writing, but sounds terrible when coming out of the mouth of a human(ish) person. But this dialogue looked awkward on the page, and came out even worse. I mean, Ian McKellen MIGHT be able to sell “I’m fifty shades of fucked up” (MIGHT) but he’s Sir Ian Fucking McKellen, and Jamie Dornan never figured out how to make Christian Grey seem like a person, much less someone anyone would want to spend time with and also bang.
Amanda: He was wooden and stiff, and certainly not in the way I was hoping. I just kept wondering why he agreed to do this movie (aside from the fuckton of cash, of course) if he didn’t give two shits about making it convincing. I also have to wonder if there was any possible way of making that dialogue seem believable. Could they have possibly found another actor who made it work? I don’t know.
But I will say this. If they wanted to get a new Christian Grey for the next movies, I’d go with it. You know, like everyone does when they change the actor for a character in the soap opera and no one comments that it’s a completely different person with a different hair color and we’re all just going to go with it (I’m looking at you, Carly from General Hospital).
RHG: I suspect that most of the actors that would be up for this role looked at the 50 Shades fandom, and looked at the Twilight fandom, and looked at The Cautionary Tale of Robert Pattinson and hopped on their nopetapuses and noped on out.
Amanda: All I’m saying is that Charlie Hunnam would have been totally cool with showing his dick.
RHG: Probably. YES BITCHERY YOU HEARD IT RIGHT. There’s no dick in this movie of an erotica novel. There’s boob, and there’s some pubic hair (hers not his) but no dick. Of course, there’s also not a lot of sex?
Amanda: But there is so much boobage that Dakota’s chest should have gotten its own credit line. And there was what…four sex scenes? Five, maybe. Maybe I was a little tipsy, or my mouth hurt too much (fuck braces), or that Jamie was just so clinical, but I found the sex scenes to be boring.
RHG: They were. I will say this, the sex scenes were focused on Ana’s pleasure and experience, and the camera did not give a single solitary fuck if Christian got off or not. I suspect that’s a result of having a female director, and I am certain that given that this movie has made $30M in one day, they’ll pull a Twilight and give the next movies to male directors and I bet you everything I have in my pocket ($3 and an empty rum bottle) that the sex will be filmed verrrrrrrrry differently.
Amanda: Agreed. Ana may have been completely naked on several occasions, but I never felt the camera sexualized her. Or that the camera was an extension of Christian’s gaze. But dear god, please let’s not get a dude to do this. I mean, the content is already questionable as it is, and truthfully, the movie could have been worse than what is was. I don’t want to tempt fate.
RHG: The rest of the movie was boring. Still no way to see why anyone would like Christian, or really much of a personality for Ana, and for some reason Jennifer Ehle and Marcia Gay Harden got roped into this? Like, Marcia, honey, you have a FUCKING OSCAR. You’re better than two scenes in this. Does EL James have your puppy in a basement somewhere?
Amanda: Part of me hopes that they asked to be in it because of the books. Can I also suggest that we cancel the next two movies and just leave the movie version of events with Ana telling Christian “kthxbye, leave me alone?”
RHG: That’d be nice. I thought the movie didn’t hit as hard on Christian’s abusive behavior, but he still stalked her, stole her FUCKING CAR (and had his manservant sell it and he NEVER GAVE HER THE FUCKING MONEY? WHO DOES THAT?), and refused to let her talk to anyone about what he was asking her to do so she could get outside information and I have this hope that people will see the movie and see the events on the screen and go “….dude this is bullshit, how is this crap romantic?” because it’s less distant than when it’s on the page, but… well, I want that. It’s not gonna happen.
Anyway, ending the entire 50 Shades Cinematic Universe with Ana going “Oh, you’re gonna whip me on the ass and do no prep to make sure I’m ready for this? PEACE OUT MOTHERFUCKER” would be awesome.
Amanda: So. If you just HAD to assign this a grade, what would you give it? I mean, I feel like it already being Fifty Shades and promoting manipulation, abuse, and a narrow, incorrect view of BDSM already works against any positive grades. But it had its bright spots (Thanks, Beyonce).
RHG: Sadly a Y (as in WHY GOD WHY) is not an option. I guess a D-, thanks to Bey and Dakota and the rare look at a woman’s sexual pleasure being present, plus also important?
Amanda: I’m giving it a D- too because that’s exactly what it gave me. A movie based on erotica, minus the D. HEYOOO.
Fifty Shades of Grey is in theatres now, and you can find tickets (US) at Fandango and Moviefone.
I haven’t watched it yet. I definitly will, though. Actually, I just want to watch it because of Jamie Dornan, that’s why this review shocks me a bit. I just finished watching The Fall, in which he is absolutely phenomenal. His performance is outstanding! I thought if he can nail such a complex role, then he should definitly be able to pull of Christian Grey. I’ll see for myself, and even if he’s shit I at leat can enjoy his looks, and don’t have to feel guilty for wanting to bang a serial killer 😀
Thanks for taking one for the team. You could not pay me to see this movie, booze or no booze. Loved the “D minus, for an erotic movie minus the D.” Ha!
@Lena: My thoughts exactly about Dornan’s acting. I love The Fall and have a total lady crush on Gillian Anderson, so I was really surprised that he did so terribly. In all the press they did, it’s clear that Johnson and Dornan weren’t exactly BFFs on set, and I wonder if Dornan wasn’t as into the role as he thought he would be. He never really commits to it.
You ladies made my evening! I haven’t read the books for the reasons mentioned above, and haven’t really sparked an interest in the movie. Your review has not only saved me about $20 but was also more entertaining than it sounds like the movie was! Tell me you wrote this together while still tipsy! Hilarious! Tell it like it is, Sisters!
Thanks for reviewing this – I don’t have any intention of seeing it but I must say that I’m surprised that Dornan mangled this role so badly. Every time I see him interviewed it’s obvious that he was VERY uncomfortable with the idea of playing a Dom and even freaked out during a “research trip” to a BDSM club. He seems to have not really tried to get into the mindset to pull the movie off and it shows in every interview.
Thanks for taking one for the team though – can’t wait for the Rifftrax guys to get ‘hold of this one! 🙂
Supposed to see this next Friday as an afterwork coworker girls night… can you say AWKWARD hence I am totally stealing your mini booze idea. Like Lena said Jamie as a creepy serial killer is beyond amazing and disturbing. Here’s the thing though that your review got me thinking… The Fall only really shows one dimension of the serial killer, maybe 2, so maybe my fave eye candy is only a one dimensional actor (gasp), like that’s never happened before. I think this movie is probably a classic example of MPAA double standards re the ratings system. Will f/up this thought when I actually see the thing…
I have neither read the books nor seen the movie, and I don’t plan to… I’ve seen too many abuse survivors online saying they were triggered by FSoG, and since I’m a survivor, I’m choosing caution.
As for Jamie Dornan’s performance, I read somewhere (and naturally can’t find the link now; if I do I’ll return to share it) that during an interview, he said the movie required him to do “things I would never do to a woman.” I would guess that had a lot to do with the lack of dimension in his performance.
I totally agree with the D- review. I had not planned to see the movie, but some friends had an extra ticket so I thought I’d see what all the fuss was about. All I can say is I’m thankful I was in one of those luxury theaters with the comfortable reclining seats as that was the only thing enjoyable about the experience. I guess I was supposed to be rooting for these two, but CG is so creepy, controlling and stalkerish that all I wanted was to see Ana take out a restraining order on him.
JENNIFER EHLE is in this… thing? Excuse me while I go cry my eyes out. How did she go from Elizabeth Bennet to… this?!
Well, that’s kind of a cop out thing for an actor to say. Presumably, he wouldn’t murder someone either, in real life, but can still play a killer. I haven’t seen the movie or read the books, so my opinions don’t have a lot of credibility, but I’m guessing that if the guy actually is a decent actor sometimes, the problem here was sheer embarrassment that his name will be linked to this in perpetuity.
I’ve just realized what’s the only thing that would make me watch this movie: go back in time and get a young Ian McKellen to remake it. (Although let’s be honest, I’d probably watch it if he did it, now, too. Fifty Shades of Gandalf the Grey would be hilarious.)
I know many romance readers are wanting the success of FSOG to help bring more romance novel movies to the big screen. I hope that does happen but at the same time I find that funny because so many of us regular romance readers either hated FSOG or couldn’t finish it. I feel like we will just end up with more FSOG type movies or more Nicholas Sparks stuff and nothing in between.
Fifty Shades of Gandalf the Grey – now that might be one I’d watch :). I have no desire to read the books and there is not enough booze in the world to make me want to go and see this one or any of its sequels. Thanks for taking one for the team ladies!
I won’t see this movie unless it’s free on Netflix and I hve lots of wine. It doesn’t surprise me that Jamie Dornan is wooden. The Fall is a terrific show, but Dornan I the weak link there – his performance only works somewhat because the character is *supposed* to be devoid of normal human feelings, so it isn’t immediately obvious that Dornan can’t portray them.
I didn’t plan to see this but what has really made me curious is the consensus in most of the reviews I’ve read that Dakota Johnson is surprisingly good. I assume the surprising thing is due to the crappy source material and not to her as an actress becos I really enjoyed her in Ben & Kate.
Now I might want to see this because of this part of your review: “I will say this, the sex scenes were focused on Ana’s pleasure and experience, and the camera did not give a single solitary fuck if Christian got off or not.”
For sure now they’re going to bring in a male director for movie 2 and 3.
Seriously, I’m sure you have better things to do with 2 hours and $15 than spend it on the movie. I am certain that there are videos of the sex scenes on youtube and other places (someone sitting in front of us was filming them with her fucking phone).
I heard yesterday that Sam Taylor-Johnson is supposed to be one for films 2 and 3, but… I’m not holding my breath.
I imagine he was more comfortable playing a serial killer since he’s not supposed to portray himself in a positive way. Playing Christian Grey required him to do things “that he would never do to a woman” in a glorified light.
I read this and I hated it. I hated it! I thought the character of Ana was just hideous. Self-absorbed, selfish, overly critical of herself and others, and that inner goddess stuff nauseated me. God, Ana was just so awful. And why the hell did E.L. James set this in Seattle when she doesn’t know Seattle? In good books the setting is part of the story. Here it’s just a cardboard backdrop for cardboard people. Really dreadful.
So thank you for watching it, and thanks for your great column. I am happy to hear that Dakota Johnson did a good job. I am amazed that she made Ana likeable, and I will do the $50 donation because I will never spend a dime to see this movie. Like ever. Now, if it pops up on netflix or Amazon prime…I would totally watch it. And I may dig up the soundtrack now that I’ve read your thoughts…
This was the first erotica/romance/trashy book I had read AND I was in my late 30s. I have to admit, I was curious because of the Twilight connection (I will never forgive my friend in giving me THOSE books to read). I bought my first e-reader just to read this book. Not having anything else to compare it to (other than the forensic mysteries), I enjoyed it. I did until I read Sylvia Day, Anne Rice, Shayla Black and others. What I am appreciative of is 50 opening a new genre of books for me to read. I did see the movie (my friend had movie gift cards) and I snuck in my wine boda bag. It was hard to watch and boring at the same time. I cringed at the dialog that was cheeky on the page, but sounded ridiculous on screen. I like Jaime Dornan’s performance, because he did a lot for what he was given. He did moody, sexy and abusive. That must not have been easy. Overall the movie surprised me that is was so close to the book, but better than the book.
I think one of the things that made Ana a lot more likable is that Dakota did not need to deal with the inner monologue at all. There was no way to do the Inner Goddess crap at all, so they just… didn’t, and that was at least half the battle, if not 2/3. The same thing happened with Bella in the Twilight movies.
I’ve already promised to see it with some friends. Fortunately, they’re people who are one (or more) (or all) of the following; kinky, kink-friendly, drag performers, and wiseacres. I predict much disruption and will be Very Disappointed if we don’t get thrown out.
Thanks for the review, and confirming that I’ll just wait until it comes out on DVD or On Demand to see it.
I heard that the actor who ended up playing Christian was their third or forth choice, because the first few actors were so uncomfortable with the script.
I just lost my FSoG cherry this past weekend (hey, it was on sale and I’m a book slut) and since I found both characters written as wooden, perhaps that explains Dornan’s portrayal on screen. He was just being true to the material.
I have heard the same things about Jamie Dornan-that he just isn’t believable and is pretty wooden (in the bad way) in the role. I would definitely guess it is down to being uncomfortable with BDSM itself, which I agree with other commenters, he has been fairly clear he is. He is great in The Fall though, and oddly, he’s a sadist in there! Just not so much on the sexy side. You’d think he could have somehow found the spot between the two roles and made it work. I would see it for Dakota though. Although, I am going to donate as well, since I think that’s a great cause.
Dear RHG,
I love, love, LOVE your reviews because of (among other reasons) “they hopped on their nopetapuses and noped on out”. I hope you keep these reviews up forever (and keep doing them forever, too). That is all!
Commenting before I even read the review to say – I am fully in favour of people donating to domestic violence charities instead of (or as well as, if that’s your thing) going to see this movie, but please do not endorse the Fifty Dollars Not Fifty Shades campaign. The organisation behind it is severely anti-kink – they take the view that all BDSM is abuse – and one of the companies sponsoring it is founded by an anti-porn, anti-sex worker lady who is not, by any account, a very nice person. Donate independently. Don’t support that campaign.
http://katjevanloon.livejournal.com/17752.html
RHG and Amanda, thank you for your review. Now I know I’ll donate my movie money and re-watch James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhaal in “Secretary” with Mr. L and a bowl of cheap popcorn.
@ everydaymadre – Glad you found the romance genre. Something good did come out of the 50 Shades!
@LauraL: A big YESSSSS to watching Secretary.
I had forgotten so much of the book! Y’all’s review was priceless. Love the comment about Carly from GH.
I never read the books. I got about two chapters (maybe?) in and deleted it from my kindle. Someone above said “hard to watch and boring at the same time” I’ll change that to hard to read and boring at the same time.
There’re very few things more irritating (books wise) than awful characters written awfully. Watching the whole thing on the big screen might just do it.
Unless you’re with those kinky drag types; they make everything better. Plus they have the best shoes ever and sized so I can borrow too! (sixe 11.5 wide)
Another interview I read with Jamie Dornan had him saying something about not only being uncomfortable with the BDSM stuff, but also feeling like Christian Grey was harder to play than a serial killer because (and I may be paraphrasing) Grey was supposed to be the hero/likeable/sexy or whatever, but Dornan just kinda read him as abusive. So like…the serial killer was supposed to be evil, so that didn’t bother him. But he had to portray this character he hated but make him likeable so Grey was hard for him. Robert Pattinson has said similar things about Edward Cullen.
Dornan was on Once Upon a Time for the first five episodes and despite being killed off really early he is still considered a fan favorite and everyone always wanted him to show up in more flashbacks but now with FSOG he can’t. The point of that was that in OUAT he plays a fairly likeable character/love interest and he does the sexy flirting thing reaaaaally well, so I think his woodenness is him struggling with Christian Grey. Which I do not blame him for. I am all for safe, properly practiced BDSM if that is yo thang, but I wouldn’t enjoy going to a BDSM club. I suspect it took Dornan a leeeetle too long to realize how in over his head he was.
Love this review! This book was and still is the ONLY book I was unable to finish and truly did/do not understand the craziness over it. I suppose that’s because I had been reading romance long before this came along and have read other authors who have done their research on BDSM before they put pen to paper. While I am happy that it has brought many readers to the genre and many women out of the “closet,” and I too hope that this will bring more romance novels to the big screen, but I agree with your statement and worry that “we will just end up with more FSOG type movies or more Nicholas Sparks stuff and nothing in between.”
Loved the review. I never read the books, not my cup of tea. I still found the review honest and funny.
I did love Jamie Dornan in the first season of Once Upon A Time
There’s a saying from theater that if it ain’t on the page, it ain’t on the stage — and that certainly sounds like it applies here. The original novel was terrible (probably replacing TWILIGHT (its source, ironically) as the book you can pick any random passage from and it’ll be awful) and the only way it could have worked was to keep the name and scrap everything else; but then fans of the book wouldn’t be happy.
I’ll gladly pass.
i HAVEN’T BEEN IN ANY THEATER IN OVER 30 YEARS DUE TO EXTREME
SENSITIVITY TO DUSTY PLACES. GLAD TO MISS THIS ONE TOO.
Thank you for the terrific review. I hadn’t planned to see the movie (couldn’t finish the first book–I did try) but from what I’ve heard, you guys nailed it perfectly. You also made me laugh out loud and snort my glass of wine, sort of a good news/bad news event, but I imagine your review is a lot more entertaining than the movie…
I’m a reader of all kinds of romance/erotica, and LOVE this site. I actually enjoyed the books despite the ridic inner monologue and stalkery behavior (may have skipped some bits). I guess I’m a sucker for a Cinderella story, including the come-uppance of the wicked witch (Mrs Robinson), the redeemed bad boy and the gazillion other tropes represented there. I thought the movie improved upon the books with a sassy Ana, no inner goddess, and much less repitition. It did drag a little near the end. I thought Jamie Dornan (RIP Sheriff Graham) was fine as Christian. He may not have been as visibly comfortable as Dakota (who was excellent), but I thought it worked as the tortured hero. I loved Nowhere Boy (John Lennon bio by the same director), so not surprised that she got something decent from the material and the actors.
Full disclosure- I was in an abusive relationship in my younger days and I do see some eerie similarities. I was happy when I got out and vowed never to let that happen again. Perhaps the books speak to my wish to somehow right the wrong, fix the broken man, etc. I think it’s OK for literature (stretching the word here!!) to provide wish fulfillment and fantasy that wouldn’t be acceptable in real life, as long as we acknowledge that it is such.
To @Lena’s point (and several others) above, I think there is a HUGE difference between bearded, Irish Jamie Dornan, and clean-shaven, American Jamie Dornan; It’s like British David Tennant vs American David Tennant. My friend and I have been debating this for weeks. Paul Spector is one of the sexiest mother-effers I’ve ever seen on screen, and he’s a serial rapist/killer. CG is *supposed* to be sexy, but…. nope.
Also, yes, there seems to have been a lack of commitment on his end. In almost every interview I’ve seen Dornan is clearly embarrassed by this project. Which is a shame, because in the end, everybody loses.
Did not read the books, and never will. There are too many well-written books out there to waste time on bad ones. … Very much doubt I will see this movie or anything related to it. Every word I’ve heard/seen about the books made me think “I would hate that so much” and no amount of alcohol would, it seems, make seeing it onscreen approach “fun.”
I suppose I can’t be sorry people are going to see it, especially if it’s women who are choosing to see it, and if they are enjoying it more power to them. But I don’t think FSOG is going to do a damn thing for getting more romance on the big screen, because as far as I can tell this is not a romance. In a romance, people fall in love and make love. Stalking and manipulation and abuse =/= love.
Harrumph.