Title: Dark Lover
Author: J. R. Ward
Chapters 31 through 35 of J. R. Ward’s Dhark Lover, as told by DocTurtle
We’re finally more than halfway through this beast of a book, and the action’s picking up. What’s in store for us yet? As I look back over these chapters (please remember that I long ago finished reading the book), I find myself worrying that I may run out of things to snark: how many times can you make fun of sentence structure, silly names, and overblown product placement?
Then I realize that here and there are scattered pockets of comedic wonderfulness, hiding in the pages of the book like the “flavor booster” nuggets of powdered cheese I loved to find in the poorly-stirred mac ‘n’ cheese I’d make myself as a ten-year-old. Chapter 39, in which we meet the Scribe Virgin, is one such highly entertaining chapter. Similarly risible are any of the chapters in which Butch and Marissa interact, at which times Marissa acts like a poorly-programmed sexbot with a broken linguistic processor.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. For now, let’s content ourselves with a few more mundane episodes, starting with…
…Chapter 31: Salad days
We open this chapter with Marissa, Wrath’s longtime and oh-so-recently erstwhile shellan. Thumbing through her memories made up of centuries of Wrath, she can’t help but feel her anger rise. “She didn’t want him back. What she wanted was for him to have a taste of the pain she’d been through.”
Uh oh.
The next scene is a longer one in which we learn a great deal about Wrath. Sensing that Wrath has a more than generous share of animosity towards the lessers, Beth asks him “who did the lessers take from you?”
Wrath proceeds to narrate a heartrending story about his adolescence, when his parents were taken from him by the lessers of long ago. His boyhood home invaded by the vampire hunters, Wrath’s parents hid him (aged twenty-two at the time) in a crawl space. From the safety of that hiding place, Wrath witnessed his parents’ slaughter. “While it was happening, they made so much noise, no one heard me screaming.”
Wrath is humiliated by the telling of his tale of woe. “I was such a coward. I should have been out there with my father, fighting.” For several pages he bewails his inability to save his parents’ lives. To tell the truth, his manly pridefulness gets really, really tiresome really, really fast.
By me, the most important questions about Wrath’s adolescence go unanswered: did he have acne? Did he stammer when he talked to girl vampires? Did he always go by “Wrath,” or was he at one time known as “Wrathie”? Look, I don’t care if you’re a vampire, and I don’t care just how much of a total bad-ass of a vampire you’re supposed to be by birth and bloodline, I can’t very well imagine a pair of oohing and aahing parents leaning over the bassinet while one says to the other, “awww, honey, how ‘bout we name him ‘Wrath’?”
Aaaaanyway, we end this bit with the most explicit sex scene in the novel. J.R. even drops an f-bomb on us, right before offering a vivid description of a blow job. Yow. I’m sure the question we’ve all got on ours mind at this point is “do fangs help in fellatio?”
The chapter’s last scene finds our heroes basking in the afterglow. But not for long: Beth’s got to get back to life as she knows it, at least for a little while longer. Before she leaves the two rehash Wrath’s sad and sorry tale yet again. Wrath can’t believe that Beth still finds him “beautiful” after learning the true depths of his “cowardice.”
“I stopped screaming. After they were finished with my parents and the doggen, I stopped screaming. The lessers were looking through our quarters. They were searching for me. And I stayed quiet. I was afraid of dying.”
Boo fuckin’ hoo, Wrath. Honor, schmonor, get over your bad self. This chapter ends just in time to avoid my scrawling a giant “OY” across the final page as I did to several of the later chapters.
Oy.
Chapter 32: Airwick’s new scent line: outrage, spite, and vindictiveness
After a quick trip to her apartment, Beth’s back at work…but not for long! “Her eyes ached, and the discomfort didn’t fade as she blinked repeatedly.” Hmmmm…
She calls the police station, only to find that Butch has been placed on suspension. José pleads with her to leave Wrath behind (“Another prostitute was killed last night. Same MO”), but she’ll have nothing of it.
“As she walked out onto Trade Street, her belly was in knots, the heat sucked the energy right out of her…this wasn’t the flu. She was coming down with the Godzilla of migraines.”
Now we switch scenes…
On the other side of town, Wrath’s trying to get in touch with Tohr, to apologize for that whole “your personal lack of vigilance is responsible for the downfall of our entire race” thing back in Chapter 24. Vishous approaches him with a status report: “I just read the paper. Another dead prostitute. In an alley. Bled out.” Wrath’s sure that Zsadist is to blame.
Whoosh! Scene switch!
Butch is back now, and he drops in on Beth at home, and it’s a good thing, too: “Her body was facedown on the floor, one arm extended in front of her toward a phone that was just out of reach. Her legs were sprawled, as if she’d been writhing in pain.” We then get a lesson in breaking and entering: “Butch went over to a window, whipped off his shoe, and pushed his hand deep inside the sole. He punched at the glass until it cracked and then shattered.”
Diagnosis? Overdose, of course. Butch suspects heroin. (Sadly, Ward does not launch into a stream of drug-related “street” slang.) Beth’s not up for the hospital, and she insists that Butch take her to Wrath.
Shazam! Scene switch!
Aaaaaaand…we’re back at the mansion, where Wrath offers Tohrment a “rythe.” According to Ward’s handy-dandy glossary, a rythe is a “ritual manner of assuaging honor granted by one who has offended another. If accepted the offended chooses a weapon and strikes the offender who presents him or herself without defenses.”
What’ll it be, Tohr? Sabers? Pistols? Potato guns made of PVC piping?
But Tohr won’t have any of it. “I cannot strike you, my lord.” Bummer. At this point I think just about every animate creature (and a few inanimate ones) in this book is looking forward to seeing Wrath getting his butt whupped.
Zsadist chooses this moment to crack wise about Wrath banging Beth, and Wrath responds by confronting Z about his hooker-killing habit. “I don’t know dick about that. Smell me. I’m telling the truth.” Here we learn that anger smells like oranges: “He caught the scent of outrage, a tangy flare in his nose like someone had blasted him with a citrus air freshener.” Wrath and Zsadist are ready to rip off one another’s limbs, but there now comes a furious pounding on the door.
It’s Butch, with Beth. Without missing a beat, Wrath takes her from Butch and races towards his private chamber. Butch is left in the hands of the other vampires. Within minutes he and Rhage get into it, whaling away at each other with over-the-top macho braggadocio. It’s a good bonding experience. By the time Fritz shows up with spinach crepes (I wish I were kidding), the two are well on their way to becoming fast friends.
Chapter 33: Intermission, with italics
I’ll sum this one up quickly, having spent far more time on the last chapter than it deserved.
Plot Point #1: Wrath professes his love. “Damn it, don’t you die! I love you, damn you! Goddamn you, don’t you let go! Beth! I will not let you go! I will come after you before I let you…”
Plot Point #2: Marissa decides to drop by Darius’s place and wait for Wrath. What will she there find?
Plot Point #3: Mr. X is back, and he’s begun to turn the screws on Billy Riddle. I turns out that Billy’s not too keen on his dad: “I hate him. Because he breathes.”
Chapter 34: Another mercifully short chapter
It’s time: Beth’s hit her transition, and Wrath is there to help her through it. “She started to drink at his neck with great, urgent pulls of her mouth. Her arms tightened around his shoulders, her nails digging into his flesh.”
When she had slaked her thirst, “much later, Beth lifted her head. Licked her lips. Opened her eyes.” Disregarded everything she’d ever learned in First-Year Composition.
Wrath doesn’t waste any time: “Will you have me as your hellren? Marry me.” Because the best time to propose to your girlfriend is when she’s most vulnerable and therefore fully incapable of making snap decisions on life-changingly important matters like marriage. She doesn’t answer yet.
Time passes, in short sentences like “Hours. Days.”
At last, Beth awakes and feels the grunge. (You know it’s bad when you can smell yourself. And when you’re no doubt caked with the dried blood of your loved one.) “Shower.” Lovingly he carries her to the shower and washes away the remnants of her transition, toweling her off when he’s done.
It’s actually a pretty well-written scene and does more to portray convincingly Wrath’s love for Beth than the rest of the book put together. Nonetheless Ward can’t help but finish the chapter off with “Wrath knelt by the side of the bed, suddenly aware that his leather pants and his shitkickers were soaking wet.”
Let’s start a list of the words and phrases one should try to avoid in touching romantic scenes:
1. shitkickers
2. Nixon
3. hemorrhoid (or hemorrhoid cream)
4. tungsten carbide
5. smegma
6. [FILL IN YOUR OWN!]
I’m so going to have to write a BDB mad-lib before this is all over.
Oh, yeah, and Beth totally accepts Wrath’s proposal.
Chapter 35: I am programmed to love you long time
This chapter does next to nothing to push the plot forward, but for my money it’s entirely worth it for the unintentionally hilarious dialogue between Butch and Marissa.
“Butch inhaled. Frowned. What the hell was that? The tropics. He smelled the ocean. He turned around. A breathtaking woman was standing in the doorway.”
After a few pages of tone-setting, she introduces herself: “Marissa. I am called Marissa.”
Marissa…I’ve just met a vampire named Marissa…
Butch is staring. “What are you looking at?” she asks him.
“Sorry. You’re probably sick of men gawking at you.”
“No males look at me.”
Butch is incredulous. “Man, you are so…totally…beautiful.” And then he looks away: “Look at me. Not staring. Not staring at all. Hey, this is a nice rug. You ever notice it before?” Anyone else feel like we’re watching an episode of The Brady Bunch where Greg’s trying to hit on his steady?
“I think I like the way you look at me…you look at me as though you’re thirsty. Your name. It’s Butch? What are you thirsty for, Butch?”
And so it goes, Marissa unwittingly taking Butch for the erotic ride of his life. Of course, for the first fifty pages or so of their nascent relationship, Butch remains convinced that she’s the highest of the high-end prostitutes. That doesn’t stop him from admiring her “gorgeous blond hair” and “delicate perfection.” Moveover, does anyone else have a feeling that Marissa, the very last one who might stand between Wrath and Beth is about to take a big ol’ step to the side? We’ll find out more as the next several chapters fill out this new relationship a bit more solidly.
I should say that while I was out for my morning run today I gave some thought to Marissa’s stilted phraseology (whywhywhyinthehellamIspendingsomuchtimethinkingaboutthis?!!?), and I developed a theory that might explain it: as Marissa appears to be one of the most carefully cloistered members of the vampire “upper class,” presumably she has little contact with many vampires of lower social rank, let alone humans. Therefore it’s likely that her linguistic assimilation is taking considerably longer than the other vampires’, and so even in 2005 (when this book was written) her English is highly imperfect and she thus speaks haltingly and awkwardly. Could be.
Confidential to J.R.W. in the South: nothing says “2005 slang” like using the word “moll” for a gangsta’s girlfriend.
HAH!
Oh please come up with a BDB Mad-Lib. That would be just too much fun.
Seriously, I think what pulled me out of these books before I could get into them was the voice. The slang just felt overdone and the product placements were kind of dumb to me.
And ‘moll’ sounds like 1925 to me instead of 2005.
“do fangs help in fellatio?”
That giant crash you heard was me laughing so hard I fell off my chair.
“Potato guns made of PVC piping?” THUNK There I go again…
“spinach crepes” however only earns a WTF?!?!
And I totally second a BDB mad-libs.
Fangs and fellatio was one thing that was never acknowledged enough in paranormal romance, I think. Logistically it seems challenging.
Also: what about the femoral artery? Wouldn’t it be easy to sneak a drink if you’re a vampire and you’re engaging in some alternate cuisine?
I feel the same way! But it’s so entertaining! and in the spirit of that, I’ve thought about it, too, and I agree with your reasoning for Marissa’s language. She’s had so little contact with real humans that she doesn’t see the language differences. Though it’s hard to believe she has no idea what Butch is thirsty for.
Oh, and the flavor bursts in mac n’ cheese… yum!
@SB Sarah – I’ve read the femoral artery thing… Trying to remember where. I’ve seen it more often as something the evil people do, but I think I’ve read it between the hero/heroine at least once. Too early, can’t remember where…
“Nixon”?
I thought I was a jaded reader of these reviews up until that point. Thank goodness I wasn’t drinking coffee, Dhoc Turhtle!
@ Carin: I recall it being touched on briefly toward the end of Sherrilyn Kenyon’s Acheron.
Now I so want to write a tender romantic scene using ALL OF THE ABOVE!!
The first thing I thought of is that they’d get in the way, unless the guy was lacking in the girth department.
Didn’t that happen in “A Hunger Like No Other?”
“(whywhywhyinthehellamIspendingsomuchtimethinkingaboutthis?!!?)”
I think Dohc is getting sucked in by the power of the crackilisciousnes that has affected so many others. LOL If you find youself thinking about her characters (one of the few with out the miscellaneous “H” in the name), then you are definitely falling deeper than you realize.Fight it! Fight it!
As for the list of words not to use in a romantic scene, I think #6 should be COLONOSCOPY. No doubt Ward could sneak that in somewhere and totally think it’s sexy.
These reviews have been the highlight of my days. LOVE IT! Nee more. Of the reviews. Really. Like soon. 🙂
How long does this train wreck of a book go on for? Yeesh…
Spinach crepes? Really?
Fangs are definitely at play in A Hunger Like No Other. Definitely.
BDB MadLib pleeeeaase! And Doc—the reason you are spending so much time thinking about this? It’s crackalicious.
My addition to the unromantic?
Moist Towellet
BDB Mad-Libs would be absolutely awesome! This is my favorite Doc T review yet. My co-workers are eyeing me as I snort over my bagel.
Ha! This applies to many of the copywriters I work with too.
I want to perfume my apartment with spite and vindictiveness – outrage has already seeped into its walls.
re: fangs and fellatio – LKH has Anita talk about being careful of fangs during kissing. Can’t remember if she extended that thought lower.
Once again – BDB Mad-Libs!
I’m no longer remotely able to follow the “plot” of this “book,” and I’m actually starting to suspect that it doesn’t really exist and it’s all an elaborate hoax, but I don’t care. Doc Turtle is hilarious.
Spinach crepes?
Marissa….. probably one of the most annoying women ever written into a “romance” novel… sigh.
And there is talk of the whole femoral artery thing in LKH’s Incubus Dreams, although it’s in the context of a woman who bled out from it.
I can’t believe you’ve managed to read this far into the book Dhoc 🙂
Wasn’t Beth with Wrath all last night? I assume it didn’t occur to her to give him an alibi.
I’m glad you included the definition, ‘cause that was so not my first guess of what Wrath was offering him.
ROTFLMAO! What’s next? A nice quiche?
OK, you had me there.
And thanks SO much for THAT earwom.
Hello. Once Bitten. The only Jim Cary movie worth seeing. Ever. (purposeful homage to J.R. Ward, don’cha know).
She was bonded to Wrath during his transition. She’s upper class so I’m thinking that she was a virgin when it happened. I don’t know if it was mentioned specifically, but I wouldn’t be surprised if her brother drugged her during her “needing”. Wrath’s never really wanted her in that way so I’m thinking that, even if they did have sex early on in their “marriage”, Wrath never looked at her the was Butch did. I think it’s plausible.
It’s in at least one Lynsay Sands. I know for sure it happened in Love Bites because they were out of doors and both passed out from the experience. They were discovered unconscious, dude’s junk still hanging out, by the guys cousin. Talk about never hearing the end of something. Quite literally possible with immortals.
ok doc…(pullin out the stool, gettin the water bottle,schmearin vaseline on ya cuts ,swiping the smellin salts undah ya nose,slappin ya face , workin n rubbin ya shouldas)…you’re almost done…you can WIN this fight..ya hear me??..you can…doncha give up…(DING!)..get back in there and kick some ass……
why ,yes…..i DID just watch ROCKY recently…hehehehe
It was also in one of the Sookie Stackhouse books, the one where Erik loses his memory and they get it on. Anyhoo…
Awesometastic review. I remember that crepe scene. It was pure comedy gold.
[blink]
When did Wrath manage to get hold of Nero Wolfe’s chef?
Now I so want to write a tender romantic scene using ALL OF THE ABOVE!!
Do I scent another faboo SBTB contest in there somewhere? Or maybe that’s just the spinach crepes… SRSLY?
Re: BDB Mad-Libs – pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease
Would it have to be romantic or could it be down, dirty and hot?
I could do erotic, but romantic might be hard.
/Off to research Nixon fetishes…..
It’s not a fetish, but I do have a suggestion: what about lefty candlelit lurving?
When it looked like Nixon was going to be impeached, they were selling life-size Nixon candle heads to be lit and burned during the hearings. The dean of my college had one on his bookcase (he was very sad that he’d never got to light it, LOL!). Some serious down and dirty by the glow of Nixon’s burning head totally works for me. *grin*
Spamword: Keep69 (weeee!)
Dammit, Doc Turtle, you just accidentally Rule 34’d Nixon!
You know what the incomplete sentences remind me of?
A recipe!
Fohld ehggs into bahter. Whip until fohmmy. When finished knock head aganhist wahll.
My spell checker just flipped me off…
John, my mind went straight to Nero Wolfe at that line, too. 🙂
Alright, already. I gave in. These reviews are so awesome, I just had to read the books in the original. I confess…I gave in and bought the series. I have them lined up in my TBR pile.
At least I’ll have my bullshit detector tuned to “high” when I start them, thanks to the reviews, so I’ll be braced.
Hahaha! I’m just imagining the spinach crepes recipe.
Couresty—kind of—of Cooks.com
SPINACH – CHEESE CREPES
1 pkg. (10 oz.) frozen chopped spinach
1 c. creamed cottage cheese
5 slices bacon, cooked, crumbled
2 tbsp. minced onion
1/2 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. pepper
8 slices Mozzarella cheese
8 hot crepes
1. Coohk sphinach accordhing to phackage dirhections; drhain thoroughly. Phold cottage cheese, bhacon, onion, salt and peppher into sphinach. Heat thoroughly. Heat ohven to 325 degrees.
2. Phlace Mhozzarella cheese slice on each crepe. Spoon sphinach mihxture onto cehnter of chrephes; rholl.
3. Bhake until cheese mehlts, about 5 mihnutes. Mhakes 4 mhain dish serhvings (2 crepes each).
4. Bhond with your brhothers ohver Lagavulin and Jay Z. Phollow with a phew smahcks to Butch’s ass.
That. Perfect simile. I am hereby asking your permission to use this as an example in my class.
Spinach crepes are proof that this shit is funnier than anything you could make up! I am so grateful that I’m getting my overdue JR Ward experience served with a huge order of snark!
Fangs in fellatio? *Shudder* The DP says no. And I’m sure the femoral artery thing is in more than one of the Sookie Stackhouse books—the first one, even?
My vote for unromantic word is fungus.
And I just learned about Rule 34! Yea, I love learning stuff (esp stuff I can actaully use, LOL!).
I am incredibly curious if there is a later chapter so bad that a “gewolt” makes it in there as well.
Oh, it is lunchtime already and I’m starving. I’m outtie!
Zsadist? For real? The character is actually named Zsadist?
@SonomaLass: Permission granted. I’m blushing!
@Anonymous: nope, no “gewolt.” There are several well-oyed chapters, though, including a few entire pages whose planes are crossed with the furrows of giant oys.
@All: You’re all so loverly! I’ll set to work on a mad-lib and the next set of chapter reviews. I’ve gotta keep up with SB Sarah’s posting schedule.
I talked to DW [dear wifey] about the idea of doing a book: “What?” I asked, “write a whole whose entire premise is a comedic assault on poor J.R. Whard?”
“You could write a man’s guide to romance novels,” she replied.
I dunno. I don’t really consider myself a “typical guy” in many ways (sure, I love college football, but I also like ballet), so I don’t know how much cred I’d have.
Two things made me laugh so heard that I wept…erm, whept.
1) M
And
2) The revisions jocelynnesimone made to the spinach crepe recipe.
BRAVO!!!
Mad Libs phlease!
awesome review! maybe fangs are semi-retractable during oral sex?? like once a female vampire’s mouth senses oral sex, the fangs retract?
DocTurtle, yer my hero…
Because of your review, I will laugh a lot more if I read these books again.
Re: Fangs and fellatio – sounds like a issue for Butch and Vishous to work out.
Re: “I’ve gotta keep up with SB Sarah’s posting schedule.” Would that be “Same Bhat Time, Same Bhat Channel”?