I read this book on December 31, mostly while flying home from a family vacation. In some ways, it was exactly what I needed to read when I most needed to read it, and in other ways it was somewhat forgettable. I tried to explain to my husband over dinner what the book was about and why I’d enjoyed it, and I had a hard time describing the details. They’d flown out of my head. So while I am deeply grateful for a few of the messages contained in this book, which I very much needed to hear, I’m even more grateful to my public library which allowed me to hang out on the hold list until this book was available for me digitally.

Braving the Wilderness is the latest in Brené Brown’s look at the human experience of vulnerability. The full title is Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone. Brown looks at the idea of “belonging,” what that means for individuals, and why connection to others can be fraught and difficult when we are collectively so polarized and at antagonistic odds with others across political and social lines. The book is part exploration of choosing to be yourself and the costs and rewards of that choice, and part guide for anyone who wants to make that choice to be themselves honestly.

Essentially, there are often two choices offered to us: to do what everyone expects you to do, or to do what you must to “fit in,” even if doing so is at odds with your values, your belief systems, and your personality. “The Wilderness” becomes the term and analogy for making a different choice, for opting to be oneself and following one’s own values. These are very broad concepts, and difficult to explain.

My biggest complaints about this book center on details, specifically on the absence thereof. Brown mentions her research a lot, her interviews with different people, and her findings from those interviews. She says several times that she “digs in” to specific concepts to reach a greater understanding, but there are no specifics as to whom is being interviewed, what the demographic representation might have been, or what specific things were said to lead Brown to the conclusions she reaches. There wasn’t enough explanation of her research or her methodology, leaving me with a feeling that I was expected to trust that what was being said was true because some of it resonated with me. I was frustrated by the lack of specifics regarding the research, the interviews, and the findings upon which the book is based. Beyond a handful of interviews with very recognizable figures such as Viola Davis, I have no idea who said what, what the questions were, and why they were asked. I don’t need pages of percentages and tables, but I did want more concrete information.

The parts that resonated with me most deeply were the sections that acknowledged how difficult, exhausting, and scary it is to create your own job or path in life, and how the choice to be yourself honestly and constantly is both rewarding and difficult. A few of the quotes I highlighted include quotes that came from other sources:

“Do not think you can be brave with your life and your work and never disappoint anyone. It doesn’t work that way.” – Oprah Winfrey

Once we belong thoroughly to ourselves and believe thoroughly in ourselves, true belonging is ours.

True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.

…yes, we all have the right and need to feel and own our anger. It’s an important human experience. And it’s critical to recognize that maintaining any level of rage, anger, or contempt (that favorite concoction of a little anger and a little disgust) over a long period of time is not sustainable. Anger is a catalyst. Holding on to it will make us exhausted and sick.

In a fitting-in culture—at home, at work, or in our larger community—curiosity is seen as weakness and asking questions equates to antagonism rather than being valued as learning.

When we come together under the false flag of common enemy intimacy, we amplify cynicism and diminish our collective worth.

I’m still working out mentally what I’m going to do with the information and ideas in this book. It seems obvious that feelings of belonging are deeply important, and knowing that I want to encourage those who are important to me to be honestly and completely themselves and to feel as if they belong is kind of obvious as well.

Brown does engage with the concepts of privilege and dissects the often false dichotomies used to frame arguments, allowing for alternate ways of engagement with major issues. There’s an acronym for the seven elements of trust, BRAVING, of which I remember two (Vault, as in keeping confidences and not sharing people’s secrets, and Boundaries) and each chapter is a piece of advice in being honest and finding your place to belong, such as “Speak Truth to Bullshit. Be Civil.” and “People Are Hard to Hate Close Up. Move In.” The section on the technique and consequences of dehumanizing language was not groundbreaking information, but the repeated concepts of reframing has given me a different way to look at familiar and frustrating conflicts, and a different way of talking to myself, too.

One concept that I really liked and am applying now is the idea of writing myself a permission slip: I give myself permission to be as silly and happy as I want when I go to lunch. I give myself permission to rest and focus today because I’m not feeling well. I know I have internalized a number of ways to deny myself or punish myself for things, and giving myself a permission slip works well as a way of asking myself what it is I need or want that day.

I struggled to write this review in part because the book itself is challenging to describe, and in part because I can’t fully articulate who this book is for. If you like questioning yourself or if ideas of engagement, vulnerability, honestly, and fulfillment are interesting to you like they are to me, you might like this. One way to evaluate might be to look at the questions in the companion worksheets for Work and Home. I found this book to be a solid antidote to the feelings of “short fuse, deep rage” I have harbored for awhile, which I mentioned in a recent podcast, and some of the ideas inside it answered and soothed insecurities I wrestle with daily. While some of the chapters were superficial and easily forgotten, other parts were, as I said, exactly what I needed to read at the exact right time.