Other Media Review

Bawdy Bookworms Box

The lovely people over at Bawdy Bookworms were kind enough to provide me with fall’s Bawdy Bookworms Box to review—an experience that had me swearing as I tried to take a photo for this review while my cat dragged a vibrating cock ring (still in its packaging) across the living room.

Grey cat with head resting on paw in a very saucy position with the caption DIS MAI COCK RING

Anyway, I got home from work on a Monday and the only thing I had to look forward to was taking my goddamn pantyhose off, but then, sitting there on my kitchen table, was a romance novel subscription box waiting for me. It was hiding innocuously under the mail, but I knew what it was. I tore that fucker open.

The box was totally discreet–just a typical white box with a benign return address. When I opened it I was greeted by some black tissue paper, twine, and a tag with fall’s theme “Saddle Up for a Hard Ride” printed on it.

The open Bawdy Bookworms Box with black tissue paper and the fall theme tag

This review was not supposed to be about a cat. But Dewey noticed that his three favorite things were now on the floor:

  1. a box
  2. twine
  3. tissue paper.

He wanted that box. That was his box. Before I could even untie the twine he sat his furry ass in the box.

I moved him out of the way to finish unwrapping. The theme for fall’s box was cowboys (hence “saddle up for a hard ride”) and the first thing I noticed was Lorelei James’ Turn and Burn. I’m a fan of James, and I hadn’t read this book so I was happy. There were also two pouches of snacks: Brookside dark chocolate covered pomegranate and blueberry bites. Score.

At this point Dewey shoved his head back into the box and started pulling out the blueberry bites which were now also his. I shoved him away so he bit my arm and then attacked the tissue paper everything was wrapped in. Dewey is an asshole.

Blueberry Acai Brookside chocolateFurther excavation revealed what I initially thought were two condoms but turned out to be two small pouches of water-based Dude Lube. The first thing I thought was these were perfectly sized for travel. I love it when you go on vacation and TSA holds up your little Ziploc baggie of foundation, shampoo and lube, and then gives you the “AW YEAH” look. Ugh. This is much more discreet. I wouldn’t put it in my purse though as I can envision some nightmare scenario where suddenly everything in there is slippery as hell and I’m trying to find my CVS card while making “squish squish squish” noises fumbling through the pockets.

Then there was a tube of Nipple Nibblers lip/nipple balm in Luscious Melon flavor. This looks just like chap stick and can be applied to lips, nipples, or I suppose wherever you want.

But the centerpiece of the Bawdy Bookworms Box is the “surprise”– advertised as being a vibrator, personal massage product, lube or lotion. My box contained an ‘Onry vibrating cock ring (link is NSFW!) complete with batteries. The cock ring was in a lovely magnetic draw string bag. I removed it from the bag and placed everything nicely in the box so I could take  picture. While I was busy with that Dewey leaned over, bit the top of the cock ring packaging and then started dragging it off across the living room.

Cue this scene:

Me: Goddamnit, Dewey no!

Rich: What is he… why does our cat have a cock ring?

Me: It’s not his cock ring. It’s my cock ring.

Rich: Let me rephrase, where did our cat get a cock ring?

Me: Some people sent it to me in the mail.

Rich: Some people.

Me: DEWEY GIVE ME THAT FUCKING COCK RING. Rich, hold him so I can take a picture!

Rich: Of the cock ring? That random people sent you?

Me: They weren’t random! They asked first.

Rich: This is for Smart Bitches isn’t it?

Over the years, many strange things have happened in our household due to Smart Bitches, like the time I read the book about the whale-shifter with the time travel penis. So the cat absconding with a cock ring really wasn’t that out of the ordinary.

The contents of the Bawdy Bookworms Box neatly displayed

Anyway, I was really pleased with the content of the box. I love dark chocolate, so the snacks were a win. I like Lorelei James, so again, another win. I actually think travel-sized lube is a great idea. I haven’t taken the cock ring out of it’s packaging yet and honestly I’m afraid I’m going to wake up tomorrow and Dewey will be spooning with it in his cat-bed, but the quality looks good. It’s basically a bullet attached to a stretchy cock ring with two little arms that I believe are intended to go on either side of the clitoris during intercourse. It’s got three batteries and it’s waterproof.

Turn and Burn
A | BN | K | AB
If people are concerned, the box is totally discreet. Your mail carrier and/or nosy neighbor won’t know what’s in it. And even if they suspected, fuck them, because romance is great and so is sex.

Anyway, I got a book I will enjoy, snacks I can take to work, a sex toy I probably shouldn’t, travel-sized lube for my next vacation and nipple balm that I’m totally hiding in my friend’s purse.

The Bawdy Bookworms box ships quarterly and retails for $39.95 for a single box or $34.95 per month if you purchase a 3 month subscription. I think it’s totally worth it for a book and a little bit of cheeky fun.

An outtake of Dewey standing in the box, about to steal the vibrating cock ring

Dewey, alas, is not included. Consider yourself lucky.

Special offer from Bawdy Bookworms! You can get free shipping on your first Bawdy Bookworms Quarterly box with code smartb. 

Thank you to Bawdy Bookworms for providing the fall box for our review.

Add Your Comment →

  1. Milly says:

    OMG this post just made my morning. Unfortunately I read this after I applied my makeup so now I’m correcting said makeup and the ensuing giggle tears. Well done Dewey.

  2. Patricia says:

    I just spit my second cup of coffee for the morning reading about Dewey’s adventures.

  3. Ren Benton says:

    In Dewey’s defense, the cock ring DOES look like something you’d see at PetSmart, and chewy things that wiggle and have tug-of-war potential ARE amazing cat toys.

    stoopid hoomins use everthing rong

  4. Lucy says:

    Anyone else as amused as me by the name of the snack manufacturers?

  5. Nerdalisque says:

    This post makes me so happy.

  6. denise says:

    OMG, lmfao!

  7. elianara says:

    Thanks for the laugh! I needed that,and the giggle tears.

  8. Crystal says:

    Oh, Dewey. Thank you for being you.

  9. jimthered says:

    Yes, to pets most sex toys are just toys; and based on this post, the packaging can be as much fun as the conetents!

  10. Jenn says:

    I would like to request that Dewey help review more things for the site. I think he has a lot of insight to offer the Bitchery.

  11. Trudy says:

    I know this is a stupid question but what does a cock ring do? Why would a guy like it? Why would a woman? This particular model in the post sounds intriguing. Signed, like a virgin…

  12. Liz says:

    I need there to be a Smart Bitch Box that will be full of romance novels, snacks, tea/wine or the monthly cocktail recipes, reading paraphernalia, and smart bitches products like stickers or whatnot. Pleeeeeease can I have??? *makes grabby hands*

  13. Elyse says:

    @Trudy There are a couple uses for a cock ring. In some cases they are used to restrict blood flow to the penis, keeping a man erect longer or prohibiting ejaculation.

    I believe this particular model is more for female stimulation–the ring itself is very stretchy and so not very restrictive.The vibrating bullet and little rubbery arms are intended to provide clitoral stimulation during p in v intercouse. If used during rear entry (doggy style) sex, the vibrations would stimulate both the clitoris and the testicles.

    Since many women require clitoral stimulation in order to achieve orgasm there are lots of toys out there for partners to use in order to stimulate the clit during p in v intercouse. If you’re curious, I recommend checking out Jimmy Jane’s website

  14. Thien-Kim says:

    @Trudy, Kim here from Bawdy Bookworms. Elyse is spot on about cock-rings. If you have a dildo or vibrator without a clitoral stimulator, you can slide a vibrating ring on it to turn it into a “rabbit-style” vibe/dildo.

  15. Susan says:

    Not as good as yours, Elyse, but I also have a story about getting a surprise cock ring in the mail. I’ll start by saying my local PO is actually a POS. They routinely don’t deliver mail or deliver it to wrong addresses. Last summer, I even quit getting any mail at all, only to discover that a sub had started to return all my mail to the senders with a “moved, no forwarding address” notice. I cannot describe the havoc wreaked. . . and the PO didn’t care at all. Anyway, I should have known better, but when a package was delivered to me, I opened it without doublechecking the address. Yep, it was a cock ring originally destined for my neighbor. What to do? I probably should have just resealed it and anonymously left it at his door like a normal person would, but I had opened it in a way that it couldn’t be discreetly resealed. He’d know one of his neighbors has opened it. Maybe he was the kind of guy who wouldn’t care, but I was embarrassed for him. And me. I shoved the package in my tote bag while I dithered about what to do, carrying it to and from work and everywhere else with me, and then so much time passed that it made it even worse. I finally decided to just let him think it was lost in the mail, and put the package in my storage since I couldn’t bear to just throw his mail in the garbage (that somehow seemed worse than, you know, stealing it). So, it’s still there. In my storage. Waiting for me to get run over by a truck and have my loved ones stumble across it when they clean out my stuff.

    Several months after the disappearing cock ring episode, I got a note from the same neighbor asking if his vitamins (vitamins or “vitamins”?) had been delivered to me by accident? Oh, no. Did he write a note to all the neighbors or just me? Did he suspect me in the earlier incident? Luckily, I was innocent in this particular case, but I was still so consumed with guilt that I wrote a very long response commiserating with him over his lost mail, saying what a shame it was that we had so many problems with our service, and on and on and on. So, even if I didn’t appear suspicious, I still sounded like a bloody weirdo.

    The guy moved a couple of weeks later, thank God.

  16. SB Sarah says:

    @Susan: This story made me laugh so hard. Cock ring embarrassment and subterfuge!

  17. Julie says:

    hahaha! Yep, I almost spit my tea out. That just made my day. So funny! I didn’t know something like this existed. It’s genius!

  18. Pamala says:

    LOL, this place is THE BEST! Between Dewey’s antics and Susan’s fear of her family discovering her possession of the accidental cock ring, I’m having a wonderful evening.

    Thanks for the Bawdy Box review!

  19. Hilarious. This post made my day.

  20. Sara says:

    I would EASILY subscribe to this if they shipped to Europe! Sounds absolutely perfect. My partner would probably even be willing to split the cost with me.

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