This is PpyaJunebug’s fault. She’s the one who said there was a 50 Shades knock off coming out and that I haaaaaaad to read it. Little did I know that it was a duology and that it was basically the most derivative thing I’ve ever read.
Yeah. But don’t worry, it is tooooooootally on the up and up.
First off, pretty much everyone who sells themselves in this place as doing so with full consent- I mean, some of the women are doing it because they owe money to the guy who runs the place, but hey, they have a choice to sell themselves or something else, so that’s totally consensual, right?
Also, she signed a contract that will OF COURSE be honored and protect her.
Lainie is bought for $2 million by Noah Crawford, a rich billionare who is unable to cope with finding and maintaining a relationship since he found his best friend and business partner balls-deep in his (Noah’s) then-girlfriend’s ass. But the man has NEEDS, you know? And his needs include people not talking about how he’s fucking hookers. He needs ONE woman who won’t talk and is lean and hasn’t been tainted by other, you know, MEN. How better to deal with this problem set than by buying a virgin at a shady-as-fuck-auction?
So he does, and then he’s shocked –SHOCKED- when he shoves his dick in her mouth, and his brand new, 2 million dollar, verified virgin has never given a blow job before. But he does get all smug that he gets to be the one to teach her how to fuck like a pro, so…. Yay?
Lanie, on the other hand, just acts pissy with him. Like, she sold herself to this guy, and she hates someone who would be so skeevy as to purchase a virgin, so she mouths off to him, and is generally a huge brat. Instead of an Inner Goddess, however, she has a Double Agent Coochie, who looooooves Noah and especially loves Noah’s dick.
So she can’t stay, like, MAD-mad as long as Double Agent Coochie needs the D.
As an example, Noah takes her shopping for underwear, and when they get there, Lanie discovers that the shop is owned by an old flame of Noah’s and she has a huge snit fit and storms out. Noah tells his ex to pick out what she knows he likes, and when the box arrives, Lanie sets it on fire. In the driveway, to be sure, but she sets it ON FIRE.
So, naturally, Lanie and Noah fall in love within two weeks.
Through it all, Noah has been trying to not think about who this girl IS, but then his curiosity gets the better of him, and he hires a private investigator to find out what her deal is, and when he finds out she needed to money for her mother, he breaks it off and sends her home.
That’s where Million Dirty Secrets ends and Million Guilty Pleasures picks up. We get another point of view character, in the name of Noah’s former BFF and current business partner, thinking about how he wants control of the company they own and how much he wants to fuck Lanie purely because he deserves to and also it would make Noah SO MAD. I’ve seen more nuanced villains in Super Mario Brothers games.
The BFF is also in business with the guy who ran the auction, so he finds out where Lanie came from, and plans a take over using that information, and also offers for Lanie to get to fuck him and fuck Noah over. When she turns him down, he tries to rape her, because what we have here is a villain made of tissue paper. Noah comes in at the last minute, beats the shit out of him, blah blah blah.
(Oh, Noah’s uncle is the best cardiac surgeon in the world, and Noah puts him on the case of Lanie’s mother, they magic up a heart donor – don’t ask how, I didn’t – and she’s released from he hospital after a heart transplant within ten days. That seems a little fast to me, but I guess Plot Obstacle Heart Transplants heal faster?)
So. The BFF calls a meeting of the board, but his father gets to him first, and Noah confesses that he did, in fact, buy a virgin, and the old man is like, “Boys will be boys” and I rolled my eyes SO HARD.
So they get married, because that is what you do when your Coochie can’t do anything but think about the Magic Peen (yup) and the Ridonkabutt (yes, really), and there’s been no character development to sustain the idea that you require anything else to sustain a relationship, so why not?
Whatever. I mean, everyone likes Lanie. Noah’s driver says, when Lanie is at her mother’s hospital bed, “I guess I never realized the effect the little gal had on so many lives.” I don’t even know what that means.
Basically, this is 18 kinds of ridiculous, with super boring sex (and so much of it!). The writing is trying so hard to be clever, and it’s not, really. There’s a super awkward scene with Lanie and her post-operative mother talking about the size of Noah’s dick, and some spy shenanigans and a Double Agent Coochie. I can’t even.
Plus the amount of slut shaming that happens is ridiculous. Lanie’s BFF is a slut that’ll fuck any man that moves, and Lanie really thinks awful things about her- like why are you friends with this person if you think she’s such a giant slutmonster?
It’s BORING, is what it is. There’s NO character development. There’s no exploration of what would make a girl fall in love with the guy THAT BOUGHT HER (beyond his giant magic dick), or what, beyond “I need to get laid,” would make a reasonably upstanding guy buy a virgin to fuck him for two years (or what makes her think that she would be released after two years). There’s just being told that is what is happening and that’s it. We’re shown NOTHING. This is a clear attempt to capitalize on the 50 Shades effect, and it’s SO BAD.