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[music]
Sarah Wendell: Welcome to a new edition of the Dear Bitches, Smart Authors podcast. I’m Sarah Wendell from smartbitchestrashybooks.com, and with me is Jane Litte from dearauthor.com. Today we’re going to be talking about a whole mess of things, including contemporary romance, erotic romance, titles that make Sarah’s skin crawl, who streak reads, what’s awesome right now, books coming out this fall, and a special appearance by my dog Buzz, who will try to dig a hole in the carpet.
We’re going to start by talking about contemporary romance, specifically small-town romance, which Jane has a very special name for. Get ready, and welcome!
[music]
Sarah: So, you wanted to talk about Adirondack chair porn. What does that mean?
Jane Litte: That is my term, and I stole it from a friend, that refers to contemporary women’s fiction or the propensity of contemporary romance moving toward this kind of community-based, women-based stories. You know, I think that was started, or pioneered maybe, by Debbie Macomber and made increasingly popular by Susan Wiggs and Robyn Carr. You see it to some extent with Toni Blake and other authors. I always, the term “Adirondack chair porn” came about because these are often books that have small-town sceneries on the cover, often with a chair and sometimes with the Adirondack chair.
Sarah: [Laughs] So if there’s not, like, a, a lighthouse or, or a lake, there’s an Adirondack chair? Now –
Jane: Correct.
Sarah: Toni Blake’s One Reckless Summer, which is a book I actually really enjoyed because one thing that Blake does well is write these small community stories with a really good, healthy dose of sex – they’re, they’re quite, they’re quite hot. It’s not like, you know, there’s going to be mild kisses; there’s going to be a lot of hot, steamy action, and the thing I liked about One Reckless Summer is it is indeed an Adirondack chair, but there’s a bikini top and bottom hanging off the edge of it like someone took it off and went skinny dipping? That’s kind of awesome. But the, the increasingly pastoral covers, they get very dull after a while. And if it’s not a chair, it’s a door.
Jane: I read, not One Reckless Summer, but I think I read the sequel to that –
Sarah: Oh, I didn’t like that one as much.
Jane: – and I have to say didn’t like it very much. I thought the heroine was way too innocent and –
Sarah: [Laughs]
Jane: She, her mentality was that of, like, a twenty-two-year-old rather than a, you know, I think she was near thirty or, or slightly over thirty. I think that Toni Blake’s covers depict Adirondack chair porn, but I don’t think she actually delivers on what readers are expecting from the Adirondack chair porn book.
Sarah: [Laughs] What do you think readers are expecting from Adirondack chair porn?
Jane: I think that they’re expecting a lot about the community, about the small town, about the different individuals that live there. I think they’re looking for interconnected stories, stories that begin in one book and extend beyond two or three books, where you have multiple storylines taking place. I think that they’re actually an extension of what you see in perhaps, like, the Silhouette Intimate Moments category line that was started by Rachel Lee and Conard County series where you have a lot of interrelated characters that have romances or connections that extend beyond several books, and I think Robyn Carr kind of typifies that Adirondack chair porn story for me. I’ve actually read several of her books. I haven’t read any of the Susan Wiggs books or the Linda Lael Miller books that are really popular right now, so I can’t speak with any authority.
Sarah: What about, who’s the other one with Fool’s Gold?
Jane: Susan Mallery.
Sarah: Thank you. I was going to say Susan Donovan, and I knew that wasn’t right. Susan Mallery: have you read hers?
Jane: I’ve read some of hers. She’s kind of a fascinating character. I don’t know, do you follow her on Twitter?
Sarah: I do! She’s one of those authors who’s really good at social media. I love that!
Jane: She really is, and I’m not sure – she, she came on my radar, I think last year I started following her because she tweeted about Project Runway, which is a show I really enjoy, and most of her tweet stream is about things not associated with her book.
Sarah: So it’s really a pleasure to listen to her and to talk to her. I totally agree; when it’s relentless pimping and relentless promotion, it gets exhausting, but she’s actually interesting.
Jane: I wonder if her foray into social media and her facility at it have increased her appeal or whether it’s that she’s writing that kind of story that’s appealing to readers. Or it might be both, but obviously there are writers who are writing really amazing stories that aren’t finding a readership.
Sarah: I don’t know. I, I have to say, though, I do disagree with you – surprise – about the Toni Blake Destiny series. I loved the first one. I was with you on the second one; I didn’t connect with the hero and the heroine. The third one, Whisper Falls, I was so impressed by because, as I wrote in my review, the heroine has Crohn’s disease, which is the most unsexy disease ever, and, and Toni Blake made a heroine out of it, and I’m, I’m so impressed by that, and, plus the idea of her hero being a, a former member of a biker gang, her Whisper Falls is probably my favorite of those three, although I did like One Reckless Summer, because sex up against a tree in the first chapter, that’s always surprising. The thing about the Blake stories is that, with the exception of the second, you do see the other characters come into the later novels, you see the characters from the first one and the third one a little bit, but the community itself is, plays a role, and that’s much stronger in other writers. Debbie Macomber’s community is very strong, and Jill Shalvis’s community in her Lucky Harbor series is very strong. You see all these different characters in each book, but have you noticed that there’s always a center of that community? It’s either a bookstore or a, a café, or there’s some place where they all go a lot, and that’s where you see them all together?
Jane: Yes, I agree with that.
Sarah: Wouldn’t it be cool if they got all those little places together in one town? It would be like the, the central town of all small towns, where there’s the bookstore from Destiny and the café from the Nora Roberts Monterey series and all the other places where the people congregate? We’ll put it, we’ll put it all in one town. It would be a great place for a book or ten or fifteen. It’d be a relentless cash cow.
[music]
Sarah: The thing is, there are times when I totally want to read a contemporary romance that doesn’t have anything really bad happening, happening to anyone, and it’s, it can be difficult to find because all too often contemporary is romantic suspense, and somebody’s either going to be dead or taken hostage or both, though a dead hostage isn’t really a useful one, and, and I, and I get into a, a mystery plot where bad things are happening in the background, and it’s just not what I want to read.
Jane: See, I’d rather read a hundred romantic suspense books than Robyn Carr’s series.
Sarah: Oh, my God, and yet you read five of them!
Jane: I read five of ‘em.
Sarah: Why? What were you –
Jane: I read ‘em all in a row.
Sarah: What were you looking for?
Jane: I wanted to find out what happened next.
Sarah: [Laughs]
Jane: You know, unfortunately, there’s no book spoilers. You know, there’s the website –
Sarah: Movie Poopers!
Jane: – moviespoiler.com?
Sarah: Movie Poopers.
Jane: I don’t ever get to see adult movies, so I go and read about them, and if that were an option – sometimes you can go on Goodreads and find out what happens to people, because people will write spoiler-ous reviews –
Sarah: Mm-hmm.
Jane: – and I appreciate that.
Sarah: [Laughs]
Jane: But yeah, there was a couple, there was an older couple that, I think she was a movie star, and he was the father of one of the characters up in that area where they all lived, and they had an on-again, off-again romance, and I was curious as to find out where that went, and I think I had to read five books to figure it out.
Sarah: So you wanted to find out what happened to that one set of characters.
Jane: Yes.
Sarah: And they appeared in so many books that you read five of them.
Jane: Yes.
Sarah: Wow.
Jane: I don’t think I ever did a review of those books because, like, I would, you know, fast forward through the books to find, to read about the characters I wanted to read about.
Sarah: That’s, that’s really interesting. I, I have to be really curious about a character to go back and find out what happens to them in future books. Like, I have to be, like, burning curious. I know that there were readers who were hanging on to J. R. Ward’s series because they wanted to find out what happened to the one who didn’t talk. Is it John –
Jane: John –
Sarah: – Edward? John, John Edward, right?
Jane: John Michael.
Sarah: John Michael. John Edward is another person who’s not a romance hero. Sorry about that! You can see why I’m bad at names. So, yeah, people wanted to find out what happened to John Michael, and they, they, they read the series to just see his scenes, and I couldn’t care less about him but was always curious about a different character, so I read up until that person’s series. There’s sort of a danger in having these characters keep moving forward through different books, because you have to compel readers to grab onto all of them.
Jane: Yeah, I mean, I think that Suzanne Brockmann suffered that, and, and maybe J. R. Ward to a certain extent, that there was some drop off after John Michael’s book or some drop off after Sam and Alyssa’s book for Brockmann. But, you know, Ward is, is continuing the series forward, and, and she’s got a new series. I think the question’ll be, I think Lara Adrian’s Midnight Breed series is going to come to a conclusion in the next book –
Sarah: Mm-hmm.
Jane: – and, or it might be the book after. It’s, it’s coming up soon, and then she’s going to write about a tertiary, maybe a, a second generation set of stories, and readers are a little ambivalent about that. I think you also saw it with Julia Quinn, that once the Bridgertons were done, people were kind of at a loss.
Sarah: And now there are stories related to the Bridgertons, because she started with the Smythe-Smith series –
Jane: Correct.
Sarah: – where you knew those characters, and I confess, I picked up that book because I liked those characters, and it was like, oh, that familiar world. Maybe the secret is that the author has to have exceptionally good worldbuilding and strong characters to make you follow a group of people around for however many books?
Jane: Rarely do those Adirondack chair porn books hold any appeal to me. I can’t even remember why I read Toni Blake’s book. I may have read it because you had recommended the first one and –
Sarah: So you started with the second. That was great! [Laughs]
Jane: Sure, ‘cause that was the book that was coming out.
Sarah: What are you looking for when you’re looking for contemporary romance? What are you looking for that the Adirondack chair porn doesn’t deliver?
Jane: Action.
Sarah: That’s interesting, ‘cause I like books where you’re visiting with people. Does that make sense? I like people, I like to read, sometimes, books where you’re visiting with people and no one’s getting murdered, running away from the police; no one’s, no one’s having a massive drama. It, it’s okay to just have normal problems. That, that doesn’t –
Jane: Yeah, see those books –
Sarah: – it sounds like that doesn’t appeal to you.
Jane: No, those books, they put me to sleep.
Sarah: [Laughs]
Jane: They, those would be good Prozac for me. No, I like, I like police procedure books. I like the, you know, special operations books. I like books that have danger and action in them, and if they don’t have danger and action in them, they have to be funny –
Sarah: Uh-huh.
Jane: – and they have to have really good dialogue.
Sarah: So the books that we’ve picked for Save the Contemporary were not really action books. Yours to Keep is funny and has good characters. Hot Finish – well, no Hot Finish and the, and the Erin McCarthy NASCAR series – although it’s not actually NASCAR, it’s like NASCAR; it’s NASCAR-esque – that has a lot of action because of the racing. Is that what, is that what you mean?
Jane: No, ‘cause there’s no, there, I don’t think that the book focuses on the racing.
Sarah: No, but it happens in the course of the book.
Jane: It’s got good dialogue; it’s got interesting characters. It’s not just pages and pages of scenery.
Sarah: So a good sports romance would be ideal for you then, because that would satisfy both the action and the dialogue and the, the character?
Jane: Well, that’s not true, because sports books don’t necessarily have action or the good dialogue.
Sarah: No, that’s why I said a good one, where there was actually good sports depiction – [laughs] – as opposed to football players who never play football or something.
Jane: Well, see, this is why it’s so rare that we come up with a Save the Contemporary book, because there, especially in historicals, it sounds like our tastes are, like, polar opposites.
Sarah: We are more likely to agree on a historical than we are on a contemporary, because we want different things in the contemporary world.
Jane: See, I think that your point of view, your, what you like is what more people like, ‘cause I think that the Adirondack chair porn is more popular than the romantic suspense.
Sarah: That’s, it’s funny because I can’t read a lot of it. I can’t read a lot of the contemporary community stories. I can’t read a bunch of them in a row. Like, if I read five of them in a row, I would, I would be overdosed on them, because they can be very, very, I don’t know, is sweet the right word? Nonthreatening? Treacly?
Jane: Tree-ack-lee? Is that how you pronounce it?
Sarah: Tree-klee. I think it’s tree-klee [correct]. I don’t know.
Jane: Treacly would be a perfect word for those books! [Laughs] If they can be, isn’t there a dessert called treacle?
Sarah: Yes, treacle. Actually, treacle is the syrup.
Jane: Okay.
Sarah: So, treacle is the, is the – I hope I’m pronouncing it right; otherwise, I’m going to have to edit us, but it’s, it’s the syrup. It’s the, it’s the thick, sugary syrup that’s, that, that is being referred to in the dessert. Treacle as a dessert is a whole bunch of different things, I think. Somebody’s going to email: No! You don’t know anything about it, treacle, and it’s pronounced trackle, dumbasses.
Jane: So, syrupy. I think syrupy is a great descript-, descriptor for those books.
Sarah: I, I’ve often – [laughs] – now I’m picturing, like, all these books with maple syrup on them.
[music]
Sarah: I descr-, if I remember correctly, I described Julia Quinn’s last book as like a confection?
Jane: Uh-huh.
Sarah: It was very pretty, and it was all spun sugar, and if you had put it out in the sun it would have melted into a big mess –
Jane: [Laughs]
Sarah: – and, and I’ve, I’ve, actually, no, I, now I remember what I said. It was, it was like a confection, but it was like mineral water, and when it was fresh out of the bottle, it was great, and if it came up to room temperature it would go flat, so the more I thought about it, the more I was like, okay, not a lot happened, but while I was visiting with those characters, I totally enjoyed it, and they’re all similar enough to each other in that world that I was happy to be back there. If I read, like, for example, Angela, Angela James read the entire In Death series, start to finish, earlier this year, and I was so amazed by that, because I would have lost my taste for it. It’s sort of like when you want to cure yourself of a junk food you eat nothing but that, and you never want to have it again? If I read over and over and over that same thing, I would get very tired of it.
What do you, what do you mix up? If you read one thing, do you read the same thing again, or do you, do you read something different?
Jane: I think I am, I tend to read like Angela James and –
Sarah: In a big streak? Poor Angie’s like, why are you talking about me?
[Laughter]
Jane: I tend to read like Angela James. I tend to get on a particular subject and then read the subsequent books. Like, I’ve read, in the past week, two Cindy Gerard books and four Laura Griffin books, and those are all romantic suspense.
Sarah: That’s a lot of romantic suspense!
Jane: It, it’s been a romantic suspense week for me, and I have one more Laura Griffin, and I actually was rereading. Two of the Laura Griffin’s books I had read before, and so now I’m reading, I think, my fifth Laura Griffin book, and I’m just now, hopefully, finishing it tonight.
Sarah: I am not often a streak reader, which makes it sound like I take off my clothes and grab my book and run around? Which would not be fun ‘cause I can’t read and run at the same time. I don’t want to read the same thing one after another, one after another, although this week, I started with – or this past, the past two weeks – I started with The Grand Sophy, which I didn’t like too much, and then I read Venetia, which I sort of liked, and right now I’m finishing Frederica, which I’m enjoying tremendously, so all those people who were so worried that I hated Heyer and, and that, you know, you could not trust my judgment anymore, I liked that one! I’m about Heyer-ed out? I think three is my limit if I’m going to streak read. I think I can only do three before I switch onto something else, but of course now I’m, I don’t know what I’m going to read next. What should I read next? Tell me what to read next. I will take your –
Jane: I –
Sarah: – I, I will take your recommendation without, without hesitation!
Jane: If I won’t recommend any contemporary books.
[Laughter]
Sarah: Well, somebody dies in that one, and somebody gets shot in that one, and –
Jane: Well, I was actually thinking that maybe you should read the Bella Andre book. Do you have an ARC of that?
Sarah: Which one?
Jane: It’s her upcoming series. Because it is Adirondack chair porn.
Sarah: Is it her, the series that started recently?
Jane: It’s the series she’s publishing through Grand Central. She had actually signed the contract before she became Bella Andre, Self-Publisher.
Sarah: Oh, so this isn’t The Look of Love, the newest self-published book that she has.
Jane: No, no, no. This is a, this is a series set in some island community in the South, maybe in North Carolina?
Sarah: Oh, do you know when they’re coming out?
Jane: Yeah, I have one; let me go get it. Hold on.
Sarah: Okay, I’ll wait right here. I won’t go anywhere.
Jane’s away; let’s talk about her! I’m just kidding. I have to say, I’m very pleased by how many people emailed and wanted to read A Lady Awakened after our last podcast. That’s awesome! You guys, this book is going to be so amazing. I hope if you get to grab a copy, if you didn’t win one, that you, you take the time to go and read it this December, ‘cause it’s worth it.
Up, she’s back!
Jane: I am back.
Sarah: So, Bella Andre; what’s it called?
Jane: Oh, it’s by Bella Riley. This is her pseudonym.
Sarah: Oh, that makes sense! So this is Home Sweet Home, and it, oh, it comes out –
Jane: October.
Sarah: – it comes out at the end of September, September 27th.
Jane: Right, and it has two Adirondack chairs on the cover.
Sarah: I believe with some knitting! Yes!
Jane: Hang on!
Sarah: [Laughs] My God! So we have, it’s like a trifecta: we have wine, knitting, Adirondack chairs, and a lake. I think we need to make this a drinking game.
Jane: [Laughs] We should have a contest, like –
Sarah: [Laughs]
Jane: – whoever can find the most Adirondack chairs on one cover will get a copy of this Bella Riley book.
Sarah: Whoever finds us the most Adirondack chairs on one romance novel cover – and it has to be a romance! No putting Adirondack chairs on a murder mystery – email us the cover, and whoever sends us the most by the 31st of August wins an, a copy of this book with the knitting and the chairs. [Laughs] So have you read this?
Jane: I, I have not. It was on my nightstand, but here’s my problem: since I like to read digitally, I rarely read the paper books, so they, like, languish around. I kind of cart them here and there, and, and I have the best intentions of reading them? Doesn’t always happen.
Sarah: No, I’m, I have the same problem. The last book I read as a paper ARC was Maya Banks’s In Bed with the Highlander, because – I’m sorry, In Bed with a Highlander; not any Highlander; that one. Because I was so anxious to read it, I started reading it and got into it and didn’t want to bother finding a, a digital copy from the publisher, and I just kept reading it. That’s the last book I read on paper. And it was, I, I remember thinking while I was carrying the book around, this is weird!
Jane: It’s hard to read at night, ‘cause I have to have the light on then, so.
Sarah: Yes. As, and then, and then the husband gets annoyed.
Jane: Yep.
Sarah: I have that problem too.
Jane: So – [laughs] – so Bella Riley’s book, I, I don’t know how it is, but I, I would, that’s the book I would recommend to you, ‘cause I think, it’s about real people with real problems, no dead bodies, and clearly it has two Adirondack chairs, so if you’re going by the number of Adirondack chairs, this is going to be twice as good.
Sarah: Ohhh! Two chairs, extra problems. I don’t know, there – it’s about a woman who leaves home and comes back to the guy that she left, and now he’s the mayor, and they’re going to clash about something. Interesting!
Jane: Sounds like a book that’s right up your alley.
Sarah: I do like visiting with people, it’s true. It makes it sound like I’m, you know, in the – [laughs] – I’m in, like, a home, and I go door to door and visit with people.
Jane: [Laughs]
Sarah: Hello! What are you reading? Hi! Whatcha reading?
[music]
Sarah: So what’s the last book that you read that was really, really awesome?
Jane: Uh – [laughs]
Sarah: Not to put you on the spot or anything.
Jane: Why don’t you go first and I’ll ponder this question?
Sarah: Oh, great. Well, you know. Like I said, unlike the dislike I had for The Grand Sophy and my sort of lukewarm response to Venetia, I am really enjoying Frederica. I think that that, that and Devil’s Cub are going to be my two favorite Heyers [hires], Heyers [hay-ers]. Hey, now. Whatever you call them. I want to try to read a paranormal and see if I’m still paranormal-ed out. I’ve been over-paranormal-ed for a very long time, and the minute somebody turns into a werewolf or, you know, feels like they need to drink some blood, I’m like, ohhh, I’m done. That’s, no, actually, not entirely true: the short story by Jill Myles in the Hot, is it Hot and Steamy anthology?
Jane: Mm-hmm.
Sarah: That story was awesome! That story was so – actually, I’m sorry, Wild & Steamy – it was awesome! The Jill Myles story and the Meljean Brook story rocked my world; I loved those. That’s probably the last thing I read that made me want to, like, grab the book and hit people with it. So, what about you, Jane?
Jane: Last great book that I’ve read – and I, I think that the people who are listening to the podcast are going to start coming after me with hatchets –
Sarah: So what else is new?
Jane: [Laughs] I know!
Sarah: [Laughs]
Jane: But the last great book I read was Heart of Steel by Meljean Brook, which is her second in the Iron Seas series.
Sarah: That’s the one that is coming out in November, right?
Jane: Correct.
Sarah: Now, you told me that the first one, The Iron Duke, was the greatest thing ever since the history of the world, and you really, really loved it, and I – you actually, you and me and, and Angie James were emailing about this, and that I was hesitant to get involved with it because I, I’m so busy right now that intensive worldbuilding is not something my brain can take on, but you said this world is incredibly accessible, and I thought that the, that the novella in Wild & Steamy was very accessible, and I totally got into it almost immediately, although the whole idea of these bugs crawling around in my blood made my skin crawl. Ugh! So you like this one as much as the first one.
Jane: Do I like it as much as the first one? I, I don’t think so. Just because when, that new discovery is a really remarkable feeling, and you can’t ever recreate that, but in, in this book, Heart of Steel is completely different than The Iron Duke. It’s a completely different type of romance that, completely different type of protagonists, so those two stories, they’re not the same. The only thing that’s similar about the two stories is that they’re set in the same incredible world, this 19th century alternative world that Meljean has created. Tho-, those are the only two similarities.
Sarah: Otherwise, it’s a completely different style of romance.
Jane: Correct. ‘Cause the, The Iron Duke is very much – and, and Meljean says that she did that intentionally – the, The Iron Duke is very much an old-school romance –
Sarah: Right.
Jane: – and it’s got the alpha male who immediately wants this woman, and he pursues her against all odds. Jill Myles calls it a story about a sea captain and her cabin boy.
Sarah: A sea captain and her cabin boy? That sound, by the way –
Jane: It should be, like, an airship captain.
Sarah: That sound, by the way, is my dog, who’s attempting to dig a hole in the carpet. I beg your pardon. Buzz! There’s, you can’t dig a hole. It’s carpet. All right, so, a sea captain and a cabin boy?
Jane: Yeah, Lady Corsair is the heroine, the female protagonist, and she’s an airship captain. The male protagonist is Archimedes Fox, who is an adventurer?
Sarah: That’s an awesome name.
Jane: He, he’s kind of like a treasure hunter, a modern-day scavenger. He seeks out treasures and then sells them to the highest bidder. He’s a thrill-seeker, and his sister writes these stories about him, the Adventures of Archimedes Fox, and that’s how she makes a living, and they’re hugely popular. They’re mostly about his exploits. Some of them seem too fantastic to be real, but as you read the story, you can kind of get the idea that he loves to take really crazy risks.
Sarah: Interesting, ‘cause I just, I just read the summary, and it, it takes place in Morocco.
Jane: Some of it.
Sarah: Awesome! So that was the last kick-ass-ing book you read. Or ass-kicking book you read.
Jane: Right.
Sarah: Interesting. Now, you really liked Thea Harrison’s dragon series.
Jane: I really liked her first one, and I liked her second one. Her third one, Serpent’s Kiss –
Sarah: Mm-hmm.
Jane: – I think, I didn’t like as much, but mostly because it’s a reincarnation story and I’m not a fan of those.
Sarah: Ah. So the first one is Dragon Bound.
Jane: Yes.
Sarah: And then Storm’s Heart, and you liked both of those.
Jane: Yes.
Sarah: ‘Cause I was thinking that I should try them, because usually your taste in paranormal is similar to mine. I, like I said, I’m very exhausted of the paranormal world, so I try to read it very sparingly. But you really liked these books.
Jane: I did. I think that the, especially the first one reminded me quite a bit of Nalini Singh’s angels series?
Sarah: Mm-hmm.
Jane: It’s set in modern-day Manhattan – well, I shouldn’t say modern day. It’s set in some contemporary version of Manhattan, alternative universe, of course –
Sarah: Mm-hmm.
Jane: – and the hero is a, a jaded dragon who’s very powerful, and the heroine is some kind of, has some kind of gift that you don’t find out about until much later in the book. I think long-time fantasy readers will know exactly what she is, but I didn’t get even the faintest – [laughs] – idea, even though the clues apparently are all over the place.
Sarah: [Laughs]
Jane: Some people didn’t like – and I, I can’t, I don’t know how you’ll respond to this, but some people didn’t like the, that the heroine was a bit twee toward the end. I thought that she was just kind of trying to assert herself in an unfamiliar setting.
Sarah: Have you been keeping up with the Guild Hunter series? Have you read Archangel’s Blade?
Jane: I’ve read ‘em all!
Sarah: You’ve read them all. Did you like Archangel’s Blade?
Jane: Liked it very much.
Sarah: Really?
Jane: Yeah.
Sarah: Awesome!
[music]
Sarah: So, one last thing we’re going to talk about. Oh, titles! Best and worst titles that we’ve seen lately.
Jane: Well, you go there because I haven’t really got any material there. [Laughs]
Sarah: Oh, bummer! Well, do you remember Big Spankable Asses?
Jane: Yes.
Sarah: [Laughs] And how everyone was like, I can’t believe you called a book that! I have noticed now that erotica is, is becoming so literal in the titles, it’s almost like they’re all going to be titled The Had Sex a Lot.
Jane: [Laughs]
Sarah: It’s becoming so boring and yet insulting. For example, my horrible title of the week: Street Corner Sluts by Kelly Haven. That leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination and yet tells me a lot, mostly that I don’t want to read it. That’s horrible! That’s a horrible –
Jane: Well, I’m gathering that you’re not the audience for Street Corner Sluts.
Sarah: That’s kind of, that’s a little much for me. And I’m okay with, you know, Seducing So-and-So and Guilty Pleasures and things like that, but Big Spankable Asses, Street Corner Sluts, She Came a Lot – that’s not actually a title; I made that one up – I, I am not into the literal erotic titles, unfortunately. It doesn’t do it for me. But you read a lot more erotica than I do. I, of course, have made this whole podcast sound like I don’t actually read anything. [Laughs]
Jane: Is that really erotica, or is that porn?
Sarah: Oh, you’ve got a good question. Oh, my goodness! I just found one called Not in the NFL. This is the summary: Adam Davis isn’t gay! He can’t be – he’s a super star NFL quarterback, and gay men don’t survive in the NFL. But along comes a Super Bowl-winning linebacker who awakens something in him. Oh, boy. Now, now, and now it’s wakened – what? – and now it’s wakened, the quarterback will never be the same.
Jane: Is this Ben Roethlisberger fanfiction?
Sarah: [Laughs]
Jane: Ben Roethlisberger and, who’s the linebacker for Chicago Bears?
Sarah: [Still laughing] The sad thing is, on the cover he’s got a yellow –
Jane: Brian Urlacher. It’s, it’s Ben Roethlisberger and Brian Urlacher fanfiction. [Laughs]
Sarah: But the cover, he’s got yellow pants on; it could be! [Laughs]
Jane: Or it could be Brett Favre and Michael Strahan. They had a very friendly relationship.
Sarah: You might be on to something, because his pants are yellow, and he’s – wow.
Jane: Well, I think there’s a title on the Kindle bestseller list for erotica called My Stepfather’s Best Friend.
Sarah: No, really?
Jane: Yeah, but see, I don’t even know why you’re going there. Why wouldn’t you just say, the, you know, my father’s best friend? Why is it my stepfather’s best friend?
Sarah: I have no idea, but I will tell you that the sample of Not in the NFL begins with the men examining each other’s [whistle] as they pee.
Jane: I actually believe that could happen. Although I, I lived with a guy when I was in law school, platonically, and he said that it’s straight ahead. You look straight ahead, because if you’re peering to the left or the right, you’re giving off the signal that you’re interested.
Sarah: I think I might need to read this section to you. Are you ready?
Jane: [Laughs] Is this going to pass our PG filter?
Sarah: Well, no, probably not, so if I say the word chicken, you know that I mean male chicken.
Jane: All right, I’m ready.
Sarah: Okay? All right? And so, I’m trying to make sure there’re no other bad words that’ll ruin our rating here. I think I’ve got the rest of this good. [Laughs] Yeah, I’m going to use the word chicken, so if you hear the word chicken think that other word for a male chicken, okay?
Adam glanced down at Brendan’s chicken as it emitted –
[Laughter]
– as it emitted its golden stream. [SW: Oh, gross!] He felt something akin to a swoop in the pit of his stomach at the sight of the man’s impressive equipment. He raised his eyes and saw Brendan had caught him looking, turned back to the mirror, blushed, and pretended to check his face by rubbing his chin. Brendan walked up behind him. Adam turned to face him. Brendan was taller than Adam’s six foot three by an inch or two and probably outweighed him by twenty pounds, broad shouldered and deep chested. Brendan was a beautiful specimen of manhood. Right now, his handsome face with its deep brown eyes and ready smile was inches from Adam’s. Adam could smell the alcohol on his breast – breath! Breath, not breast! [Laughs] – He felt the swoop again. Hang on, why am I thinking this? I’m straight!
“No harm in checking out what the competition’s got,” Brendan said in a low, husky voice as he reached out and fondled Adam’s hardening chicken through his khakis.
Jane: What?!
Sarah: [Laughs]
Jane: They’re already going to the fondling? Well –
Sarah: Yes!
Jane: Are they both going to the bathroom?
Sarah: Yes! Apparently they’re both peeing, and, and, and – or, or one of them’s peeing. This starts off with peeing, and I’m just not sure I can go any farther than that.
Jane: But wait a second here. If they’re both peeing, doesn’t the one guy who’s looking at the other guy turn around?
Sarah: The way, okay, the way it’s reading – if we’re thinking this much about it, clearly something is wrong – Adam goes to the john, takes a piss, then stands in front of the mirror and splashes water on his face. Then the door opens behind him, Brendan walks in, locks the door, and proceeds to the toilet, where he unzips his pants. Don’t men, men’s rooms have urinals? Okay, so clearly there’re no urinals here. Brendan takes out his chicken and begins to urinate. “Thanks for the privacy.” “You’re the one who didn’t lock the door.” So apparently it’s a one-room bathroom, and they’re both in it, and Adam’s checking out Brendan’s chicken as he’s washing his hands and gets, and gets caught looking at Brendan’s chicken, so Brendan comes over and fondles him through his pants. So apparently we’re in a bathroom with just one toilet and one sink.
Jane: Where is that?
Sarah: I have no idea. Clearly not in a locker room.
Jane: Okay.
Sarah: So, yes, if it starts with two men in the same bathroom and there’s peeing, then it can only get better.
Jane: Fondling happens forthwith.
Sarah: Yes, almost immediately. Oh, and of course he, later on, he lies in a king-size bed with satin sheets in the master bedroom of his suite. Okay, first of all, as, as an all-star quarterback, he’s entitled to private quarters. Where? On a boat? This is so strange. I think you need to read this!
[Laughter]
Jane: I’m not going to read that book!
Sarah: I think you should read it! [Laughs] Nice! There’s another one here by, self-published by the author called Delicate Freakn’ Flower.
Jane: [Gasps] I bought that book.
Sarah: No, you did not! There’s not a –
Jane: I did!
Sarah: Oh, and how was it?
Jane: I haven’t finished it yet. The reason I bought that book is, I was over at All Romance EBooks, and –
Sarah: Uh-huh.
Jane: – it was in their top ten list, and I –
Sarah: Yes!
Jane: – and it’s about, the heroine has four older brothers, and I thought that’s kind, I kind of like those stories. I mean, I –
Sarah: Mm-hmm. Over-protected female.
Jane: Yeah, and I thought, maybe this is like a Shelly Laurenston book?
Sarah: I have a serious weakness for Shelly Laurenston books. I love every campy page. I love how violent the women are, and they have no apologies for it. They’re like, yes, I did kick your ass. Want me to do it again?
Jane: So, I –
Sarah: I love those books.
Jane: – think I thought it was going to be in that, that vein.
Sarah: I don’t know; is it?
Jane: I haven’t gotten very far in it. I – [laughs] – if that tells you anything. So are you going to read the Bella Riley book?
Sarah: I think I am. I think I am.
Jane: Report back.
Sarah: I will. I’ll have to find a copy and read it.
[music]
Sarah: And that concludes this week’s edition of the Dear Bitches, Smart Authors podcast. Again, if you find a cover with an absolute metric ton of Adirondack chairs or similar paraphernalia, email us at sbjpodcast – that’s S for Sarah, B for Bitches, J for Jane, podcast at gmail dot com [[email protected]] and let us know. Deadline is tomorrow, but we’ll stretch it till first of September because, well, Hurricane Irene sucked.
Also, I’m going to be reading Bella Riley’s new book. I’m not sure what Jane’s reading this week, but I’d love to hear what you’re reading and what you think of it. Email us at [email protected] and let us know what you’re reading, what you liked, what you hated, and any ideas you have for the next podcast.
Thanks to Jane Litte for being with me today and to Sarah Outwater for providing the original music, which is called “Fiddler on the Loose.”
Until next time, have the very best of reading.
[merry music]
This podcast transcript was handcrafted with meticulous skill by Garlic Knitter. Many thanks.