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Tempest in Time by Eugenia Riley

11.20.12 | 2:39 am | 88 Comments
Grade: DNF
Author: Eugenia Riley
Publication Info: Avon November 1994
ISBN: 978-0062025340
Genre: Time Travel

So after we tore apart Fabio’s Viking, I decided to see what his ghostwriter, Eugenia Riley, could do when not hampered by Fabio’s weird cholesterol fetish.  The result was… not pretty. 

But I couldn’t do this review on my own, so I called in some help.

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Jeremy Renner.  BECAUSE HIS FACE.

You’re WELCOME, Bitchery.

First off, this fucking ebook was typeset in COURIER.  COURIER. 


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So the premise is that we have Missy, a modern woman in 1992 Memphis who runs her parents’ ball bearing plant, who is about to get married to Jeff, who runs his parents’ tubing plant.  (Monroe Ball Bearing and Dalton Steel Tubing.  Yeah.) They are getting married because… it’s not all that clear, because neither of them like the other one, it just seems like a good idea ot have a merger of the two families. 

Missy describes herself as a modern, liberated woman who one the one hand wishes she and Jeff could have a passionate, knock down, drag out fight about anything, but on the other says she would never put up with that shit because she’s… a modern liberated woman. 

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Jeff can never love again because his One True Love died in a car crash when he was in college right after they had sex and he hates Missy but will never love again so he may as well get married to someone.  (She tries to seduce him the night before the wedding and he gets all angry about it.)  (The line “What if her stud was a dud?” was actually in the book.)

 

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At the same time, except 140 years before, Missy’s distant cousin Melissa is also on the eve of her wedding, to a neighboring plantation owner because they contracted the marriage at her birth.  She is a total milksop, with no spine, no opinions, and is terrified of all the things.  She’s so fucking boring, she makes plain yogurt look exciting as fuck.  Her intended, Fabian Fontenot (yes, really), is an Alphole of the first order who yells and bellows at her just to get a reaction, and when that reaction is to cry and run away, he gets angry, because he wants a knock down drag out fight.  (Also her mother has a weird sexual vibe with her daughter’s fiancé that is gross, like, “I’d take your place on the wedding night if I could” type of things.  Ew.)

 

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Both Missy and Melissa look exactly alike, but Melissa is five years younger.  Missy has a picture of Melissa in her wedding dress, and had the dress copied exactly for her wedding and you can see where this shit is going, right? 

 

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Right before Melissa’s wedding, her father installed a malachite stone in the newel post which came from an Egyptian amulet that some relative stole from, well, Egypt, I guess.  It’s still there on Missy’s wedding day, and both of them, at the same time but 140 years apart, trip on their skirts, fall down the stairs and whack their heads on the newel post after think “I wish I were anywhere but here.” 

 

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They both wake up in the other one’s life, freaking out over the new set of parents and the concerned fiancés.  It’s seriously ridiculous.  Well, Jeff is concerned because he’s concerned, and Fabian the Jackass just thinks Melissa deliberately fell down the stairs so she wouldn’t have to marry him.  He storms and rages around her bedchamber a bunch and is generally, a well, a jackass.

 

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So in 1992, they try to get Melissa to a hospital, but she is terrified by the ambulance and thinks it’s a monster that’s going to eat her.  Jeff, the milksop fiance, argues against the need to get her head injury checked out because, he asks, “Do you have any proof that this concussion or blood clot even exists?” Jeff pursued.  No, you idiot.  That’s what the head CT is for. GOD. 

 

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In 1852, the doctor tries to approach Missy with what Riley calls a leech, but what she’s really describing is a lancet or a scarificator.  I mean, leeches don’t have small blades. 

 

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Long story short, both women realize what’s happened by finding calanders or newspapers. Both girls pretend like they have amnesia because it’s easier than the truth. Both sets of parents like the new version of their daughter better. Missy’s parents wanted a quieter, docile daughter, and Melissa’s parents are all like “WOOOOO SHE HAS SPIRIT NOW”

 

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Melissa excuses herself to the library to read up on the “lost years” and- seriously- the 1992 parents spend hours listening to her shriek and yell over everything that has happened in the intervening 140 years.

Seriously:

“All morning long, the house rang with the sound of her shrieks.  Her hysterical comments ranged from “My stars, electricity!” to “Heavens, men walking on the moon!” to “Forevermore a doomsday bomb!” to “Great Jumping Jehoshaphat, a machine that washes dishes!””

 

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In each time, people comment that Missy looks “exactly five years older” and Melissa looks “Exactly five years younger!”  now, I don’t know about you, but other than weight changes, my face didn’t change much in the years between 20 and 25.  And EVERYONE keeps commenting on it. 

Missy refuses to reschedule the wedding to Fabian the Asshole, even though they’ve been contracted to marry since “her” birth.  So he decides to start over on the courting (but enjoying the fact that she’ll argue with him, rather than just acquiesce and then cry).  He takes her out on the town to Memphis, where first she ruminates on the fact that slaves exist and then seems to ignore it, and then they go to a restaurant. 

Fabian the Dillhole orders food for her, including fried chicken.  And Eugenia Riley, proving something, but I don’t know what, has Missy freak the fuck out over... 

“Fried chicken!” Missy gasped.  “Haven’t you ever heard of cholesterol?”

I swear to god, you guys, my thought process when deciding to read something by Riley was “let’s see what she can do when not hampered by Fabio’s weird obsession with cholesterol.”  I WAS NOT ACTUALLY EXPECTING THIS.

 

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Then she basically accuses Fabian of being too wrapped up in his honor for some reason I don’t care about, and he gets all offended, and then this happens:

“Very well, you have honor.  Good grief, Fabian the way you’re carrying on, you’d think I called you gay-“
“Gay? But I try to be gay as often as possible-“

 

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At the same time (kind of…) Melissa and Jeff are falling in love the way milksops do.  It’s so boring.  There’s ice cream involved. 

“His voice trembled as he whispered, “Lift the ice cream to your mouth darling… that’s good.  Now stick out your tongue…run it over the shaft of….my god, you’re an angel.”

 

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Can I remind you all that this is all set in COURIER.

Missy and Fabian the Numbnuts go to visit their very best friends, three other couples they constantly hang out wife.  Missy does not approve of the convention where the men and women separate after dinner and is super rude to her friends and this is the point where I put my ipad down, very carefully piled up my down comforter and very gently threw my ipad into the pile of down. 

 

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This is the closest I could come to wallbanging this wallbanger.  You guys know that I usually finish everything, right?  I’ve had ONE DNF in all my reviews up to this point, and I, the Sin Eater, the girl who cannot resist this shit, made it through THIRTY SEVEN PERCENT OF THIS BOOK.

 

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Missy is the most unlikeable so-called heroine I’ve ever read.  She has NO redeeming qualities and watching her verbally bitchslap everyone she meets for no reason whatsoever is boring and stupid. 

Fabian is an alpha without a cause and stalks and blusters and blows and ugh.  Like every other alphole but worse. 

Jeff is a passive boring stupid fuck. 

And Melissa?  Uncooked French toast is more interesting than she is. 

Seriously, you have to WORK to make these people so awful.  Maybe this plot could work with better writing and characters that anyone gives a shit about.  But we’ll never know.  I feel really bad, because I was really really hoping that on her own, Riley could write a good book.  I felt like there was a hint of a good writer in Viking, but there is NO evidence that that writer was Riley. 

 

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So, in conclusion, I give you a gif of Renner’s butt:

 

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And a gif of arm porn:

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Annnnnnnd some abs. 

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And here’s this:

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You’re welcome.

Previous entry: 2012 Gift Guide: Part 1 With Giveaway! And also music!

Next entry: A Stolen Season by Tamara Gill

  1. Anony Miss said on 11.20.12 at 03:42 AM • [link]

    Oh RHG. My face is all red from grinning at your review (and certainly NOT from that last gif of a writhing… no, not that at all).

    (fans self)

    That said, I WOULD love you to skip ahead and read the last chapter. I never DNF - I may just skip 300 pages in the middle.

  2. StarOpal said on 11.20.12 at 04:58 AM • [link]

    Poor RHG, too bad that it was too bad. That said, loved the review told in gif! I love Jeremy Renner.

  3. Sandy James said on 11.20.12 at 06:25 AM • [link]

    Review? What review? All I saw were pictures.

  4. Maggiemay0036 said on 11.20.12 at 06:48 AM • [link]

    Yes. What Sandy said. (‘scuse me, have to go adjust the AC thermostat. DOWN.)

  5. Catherine said on 11.20.12 at 06:51 AM • [link]

    That was only 37 percent of the book? What the … How much more could actually by jammed in there?

    BUT … 37 percent of the book, 100 percent of Jeremy Renner. Swoon.

  6. Sarah W said on 11.20.12 at 07:10 AM • [link]

    I love Renner and his lovely muppet face and his talent and humor and arms . . . .

    So, was there going to be a review of a book or something in this post?

  7. Michelle W. said on 11.20.12 at 07:16 AM • [link]

    Best Facial Review ever & then there was the writhing—sprinkles on top! “-)

  8. Ashlyn Macnamara said on 11.20.12 at 08:08 AM • [link]

    So are you saying they should have let Fabio write his own book and it might have been halfway decent?

  9. Michelle said on 11.20.12 at 08:21 AM • [link]

    Awesome review, I really want to see Avengers now, who doesn’t love a man who knows his way around a bow and arrows?

    Anyone else have a flash regarding the description of leeches?  I so want modified leeches with tiny blades- I mean how perfect for a steampunk novel?!

  10. Shawny Jean said on 11.20.12 at 08:26 AM • [link]

    I laughed so hard I may have woken up my husband when I got to the bit about the ice cream. I imagine it like two nerdy high school kids with thick glasses and braces trying to make out like they’ve seen people do it on TV. Stuff gets broken, someone’s hair gets pulled, and ultimately parents have to be called because their braces fuse together. In other words - it starts out sweet and ends up a not so hot mess.

  11. Beccah W. said on 11.20.12 at 08:32 AM • [link]

    This was a spectacular review! The book sounds so awful I’m genuinely confused how it even got published. Thank you for the Renner…it made my morning.

  12. Beccah W. said on 11.20.12 at 08:35 AM • [link]

    Ok, just checked Amazon…there are way more “great” reviews than “bad ones”, and it seems that Riley’s other books include “timeswept brides” as well. Hmm…

  13. ppyajunebug said on 11.20.12 at 09:10 AM • [link]

    Oh my god, this review.  FLAWLESS USE OF THE RENNER GIFS.  I almost want to read this, except I don’t, because if you couldn’t finish it, I highly doubt I could…

    Challenge.  Accepted.

  14. BitsyRavenclaw said on 11.20.12 at 09:15 AM • [link]

    Catherine, that 37% comment echoes my thoughts exactly.

    It all sounds awful. Sucks that RHG got fooled the potential for a decent book, but thanks for taking the hit and providing us with a wonderfully hilarious rendition of a truly horrible book.

  15. Zulma said on 11.20.12 at 09:38 AM • [link]

    RHG, you absolutely rock! What a review :)

  16. KarenH. said on 11.20.12 at 09:45 AM • [link]

    So…. what if it turns out Fabio was the good writer in that duo? 

  17. KarenH. said on 11.20.12 at 09:46 AM • [link]

    Dang it.  I meant to tag end that comment with [End_Courier]

  18. Jessica D said on 11.20.12 at 10:05 AM • [link]

    That? Was possibly the greatest review I’ve ever seen.

    And is anyone else craving a Jeremy Renner/Martin Freeman expression GIF-off right now?

  19. Angela Korra'ti said on 11.20.12 at 10:09 AM • [link]

    Good lord. All reviews should involve Jeremy Renner. <3 And I would give that man a large bucket of money to say SHUT YOUR MOUTH.

  20. Karenmc said on 11.20.12 at 10:18 AM • [link]

    There were words in this review? *must re-read when Renner images have faded*

  21. Momtojuju said on 11.20.12 at 10:20 AM • [link]

    Love it. That is all, really made my crappy morning better

  22. Iliketosparkle said on 11.20.12 at 10:23 AM • [link]

    Jeremy Renner - definitely beats coffee as the best part of waking up…

  23. Redheadedgirl said on 11.20.12 at 10:28 AM • [link]

    It’s loanable. 

  24. Redheadedgirl said on 11.20.12 at 10:31 AM • [link]

    @Karenmc: the Renner gifs never fade.  NEVER.  It’s a beautiful thing. 

    Like, I feel a little bad trashing this as hard as I did, but I really wanted to like it!  I really did!  I’m SO disappointed but hey.  Butts.

  25. D.L. said on 11.20.12 at 10:31 AM • [link]

    thank you

  26. Laura said on 11.20.12 at 10:41 AM • [link]

    Wow.  This book…I…don’t even know…

    But 37%! That’s it? I admire you for making it that far.

    And the Renner GIFs help. :)

  27. Lyra Archer said on 11.20.12 at 11:01 AM • [link]

    Now I want to live in a world where Renner gifs come standard in all my books. I don’t think I can go back to just words on a page if he’s not there to comment like a delectable greek chorus.

  28. katherinelynn_04 said on 11.20.12 at 11:19 AM • [link]

    This is possibly the best thing that will happen all week. Jeremy Renner GIFS? Genius. I would like to propose that this now be standard book report style!

  29. Kelly said on 11.20.12 at 11:30 AM • [link]

    I am in awe, Redheadedgirl. You’re my new hero - especially for that last gif. ESPECIALLY for that last gif.

  30. snarkhunter said on 11.20.12 at 11:41 AM • [link]

    Just…beautiful.

  31. Sybylla said on 11.20.12 at 11:41 AM • [link]

    So…are you suggesting that when you picked up this book that you were, perhaps, Not Prepared?

  32. Sandra said on 11.20.12 at 11:46 AM • [link]

    Redheadedgirl, you have topped yourself.  Although I think if you’d read 50% of the book, you might have found a naked gif of Renner.

  33. riwally said on 11.20.12 at 12:29 PM • [link]

    Abs of steel.  Buns of iron.  AND a drool worthy package.  What more could one want?  I have a new appreciation for Jeremy Renner.  Is it hot in here?  Yes, definitely hot in here.  Going to take a cold shower now.  Keep up the hilari-thon reviews.  Love ‘em!

  34. Ruby Duvall said on 11.20.12 at 12:32 PM • [link]

    That last GIF! OMG people are pervs and I love it!

  35. The Fairy Godmother said on 11.20.12 at 12:36 PM • [link]

    I laughed so hard I think I broke something. And THANK YOU for the inspired use of Jeremy Renner gifs.

  36. Dread Pirate Rachel said on 11.20.12 at 01:20 PM • [link]

    The arm porn. My god, the arm porn. :-0

    I’m pretty sure I just discovered a hitherto unknown, Renner-specific kink. How bad is it that I’m sitting at working thinking about how to make him writhe like he does in the last GIF?

  37. Redheadedgirl said on 11.20.12 at 01:27 PM • [link]

    It means Rachel, that you’re alive.  :D

  38. Dread Pirate Rachel said on 11.20.12 at 01:43 PM • [link]

    Haha! It also means that, for once, I’m not freezing in my office. Did somebody turn up the heat in here?

  39. Betty Fokker said on 11.20.12 at 01:45 PM • [link]

    I piled up my down comforter so I could fall over and laugh my ass off without getting carpet burn. Although I must say that I would NOT mind carpet burn if Jeremy Renner was involved.

  40. Missmonky said on 11.20.12 at 01:50 PM • [link]

    The. Best. Review. Ever.

  41. BrooklynShoeBabe said on 11.20.12 at 02:07 PM • [link]

    Thanks for the gifs. ;-)

  42. Laylapalooza said on 11.20.12 at 02:23 PM • [link]

    This review was delightful. You win at the internetz.

  43. Jessi Gage said on 11.20.12 at 02:37 PM • [link]

    Oh my. Just, oh my. I wish I could put that last clip in my stocking.

  44. Leslye PJ said on 11.20.12 at 02:42 PM • [link]

    “his lovely muppet face” <—best description ever

  45. Mammarella said on 11.20.12 at 02:45 PM • [link]

    There was a bad book in there somewhere? O.o Who would have thought… I can positively say that I enjoyed it very much :D
    Thank you :)

  46. Brandi Waka said on 11.20.12 at 02:59 PM • [link]

    This was hilarious!  I’m sorry you had to go through it for our entertainment though.

  47. Lara said on 11.20.12 at 03:15 PM • [link]

    I am 99% sure I read this, back when I was fifteen and surreptitiously hiding romance novels in my stack of library books. And even then, I remember thinking what absolute ninnies Missy and Melissa were.

    But Jeremy Renner’s arms and butt make everything better!

  48. CutMyTeethOnKleypas said on 11.20.12 at 03:37 PM • [link]

    So damn visually rewarding. 

    Kudos for using the term “milksop” and for bunching up your down comforter for your ipad (pre-angry-toss). :)

  49. Christina Alexander said on 11.20.12 at 03:43 PM • [link]

    Renner is what made this palatable. Jude Deveraux has done a couple time travel books similar to this. Ms. Deveraux’s were much better than what you reviewed.

  50. Redheadedgirl said on 11.20.12 at 03:53 PM • [link]

    Like, I didn’t even realize what I’d done until the ipad left my hand. And I looked at the ipad, nestled in the nest of down and went “I need to stop reading this.  This will only end in tears and I can’t afford for this to be an actual wallbanger.”

  51. Sandy Pochapin said on 11.20.12 at 03:53 PM • [link]

    Oh my G-d. Oh my!  That was the best—the best thing I’ve read or seen today. Thank you so much…hysterical! Have you ever considered doing stand up?

  52. qspark said on 11.20.12 at 03:58 PM • [link]

    Definitely some nuns in this review.

  53. Lizwadsworth65 said on 11.20.12 at 04:52 PM • [link]

    This was hilarious. Not that I want to read the book—I don’t—but with a decent author it sounds like it could be absolutely brilliant. And I have no idea who Jeremy Renner is. Can someone elaborate, please?

  54. Redheadedgirl said on 11.20.12 at 05:10 PM • [link]

    Oh, honey. 

    He’s been doing a lot of action stuff lately- he was Clint “Hawkeye” Barton in The Avengers, starred in the most recent Bourne movie, and has Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters coming out next year.  He’s been nominated for two academy Awards (one for the Hurt Locker, which I haven’t seen yet, and one for The Town, which is one of my favorite movies). He was one of the only two watchable parts of Mission Impossible 4, and starred in a short lived cop dramedy called The Unusuals which was pretty amazing. 

    Basically, he’s hot, can act, sing, kick ass, and did I mention hawt?  Because he’s hawt.  And has a muppet face.

  55. Tamara Hogan said on 11.20.12 at 05:13 PM • [link]

    Holy gifmobile, Batman! That last one? I’ll be in my bunk.

  56. Lenore said on 11.20.12 at 05:24 PM • [link]

    Sigh. I love the holidays…..and the gifs that keep on giving.  thank you, RHG

  57. vulcan_girl said on 11.20.12 at 05:28 PM • [link]

    Noooooo, you HAVE to finish this book! I read it way back when, and it just gets more fucked up! I can’t remember how, but it does!

  58. Nita said on 11.20.12 at 05:42 PM • [link]

    The book sounds horrible. But Jeremy Renner more than makes up for it. :) Seriously, everyone, buy The Unusuals on DVD and mourn for what could have been. Although, if it had taken off, he might not have been in half the other stuff he’s been in. So there’s that.

  59. Tina said on 11.20.12 at 05:42 PM • [link]

    How awful are you if you get swapped with someone else and, even though everyone - including your freakin’ parents! - notices that you’re different, they don’t do anything to fix you and (what they assume is)traumatic brain injury because they like the brain-damaged version of you a LOT better?

  60. Taylor Reynolds said on 11.20.12 at 05:46 PM • [link]

    There are no words to express the absolute love I am happily drowning in for this post. When a friend sent me a message on Facebook that said “GO TO THE SMART BITCHES SITE!” I honestly thought the world was ending and SB Sarah had the exclusive. And then I was really sad that I had appointments scheduled *immediately* (like, in 2 minutes) that couldn’t be changed and which prevented me from coming to the site for two hours. But this post has completely made my day and my week and probably even my entire future as I plan to bookmark it and come back to it whenever I’m having a horrible, terrible, no good, bad day.

  61. CutMyTeethOnKleypas said on 11.20.12 at 05:49 PM • [link]

    Agreed - and I would like to request that all DNF reviews contain photos of hotness so we can at least imagine the REAL heroes that were lacking from the story…

  62. Ellielu said on 11.20.12 at 06:09 PM • [link]

    The Bitchery sincerely thanks you for all of the Renner! However, I’m not sure even his fabulosity can offset page upon page of Courier typeface….

  63. Redheadedgirl said on 11.20.12 at 07:52 PM • [link]

    NO YOU CAN’T MAKE ME I CAN’T AFFORD THE FIVE IPADS I WILL GO THROUGH

    Also papayajunebug borrowed my kindle edition and finished it because she lives in a boring town and sent me the shit I missed and I want to puke

  64. vulcan_girl said on 11.20.12 at 08:11 PM • [link]

    It was the sexxing wasn’t it!

  65. Redheadedgirl said on 11.20.12 at 08:23 PM • [link]

    Apparently Melissa and Jeff have boring sex because they are boringers.  Fabian like, tries to screw Missy into submission then gets all mad she wasn’t a virgin or something.  I don’t know, I don’t care, I’mma go find some more butt shots.

  66. ppyajunebug said on 11.20.12 at 08:28 PM • [link]

    For those of you wishing RHG had finished this- I did, and it almost broke me.  My thoughts here: http://ppyajunebug.tumblr.com/...

  67. KarenH. said on 11.20.12 at 08:57 PM • [link]

    PPyajunebug, you have redefined “taking one for the team”.  We owe you.

  68. Shelly DeCorte said on 11.20.12 at 09:09 PM • [link]

    Wow! Thanks for all the .gif’s (Gifts!). Um, I don’t remember the story so much. Maybe this is why plots don’t matter i porn, ya think?

  69. GhengisMom said on 11.20.12 at 09:54 PM • [link]

    So, did the slaves go on strike? and Melissa gets them freed?! Savior Melissa!

    on the other hand, isn’t this portrayal of the heroine’s difficulty adjusting to their times more realistic of what would happen in time travel than the “just blend in” trope?

    Either way, sounds poorly written.

  70. ppyajunebug said on 11.20.12 at 10:05 PM • [link]

    No, they didn’t.  Her “father” busted in and reminded her that they could be executed for starting an uprising.  She did convince him to free the slaves as a birthday present.

    In a way, it is definitely more realistic than the “blend in” trope.  But what’s not realistic is Missy convincing her 1852 friends to deny their husbands sex until they let them own a shop/race horses/run a textile factory.  Also, an 1852 kissing booth in the middle of town.  There’s having trouble blending in, and then there’s upsetting the status quo for the hell of it.

  71. Aeryn Dex said on 11.20.12 at 10:16 PM • [link]

    I can’t decide which I like better - the review itself or the fact that you used Renner .gifs. But thank you for a reason NOT to read this book, as well as a reason to bookmark your blog in case you decide to use Renner reaction .gifs for more reviews.

    Plus, y’know . . . Rennerbutt. ;-)

  72. Heidi Cullinan said on 11.20.12 at 10:36 PM • [link]

    OMG, thank you for this. Thank. You.

    There’s a book a finished the other day I so wish I could do this to. Do you hire out?

  73. Redheadedgirl said on 11.20.12 at 11:00 PM • [link]

    This has been my most popular review yet.  I should send Renner a thank you note, y/n?

  74. Jordan said on 11.20.12 at 11:43 PM • [link]

    Oh man.  Almost peed myself from laughing!  And Jeremy made it all worth it!!  Thanks for being hilarious and sharing the crazy sauce escapades with the rest of us!

  75. Alex (A GirlBooks&OtherThings) said on 11.20.12 at 11:44 PM • [link]

    Wow! that’s some review! LOL
    It made me snort and laugh so many times!!!
    Also, I thought you had made much farther into the book, not only 37 percent, it makes me think the rest was even worse.

  76. LauraN said on 11.21.12 at 01:38 AM • [link]

    I want a gif of Renner reacting to the Renner gifs.

  77. Jennifer Myrna said on 11.21.12 at 01:46 AM • [link]

    Eugenia Riley is so, so, bad that she’s actually good. No, really. You have to kind of skim over the boring, awful characterizations. Because eventually you get to (her version of) smut. Read “The Bushwhacked Bride”—the heroine’s name is DUMPLING. No, really. Her love interest is Bobby. Or is it Billy? We.Just.Don’t.Know.

    That book has one of my favorite scenes of nearly all time in it. It’s so delightfully absurd.

    http://romance.unclewaltersran…

    Don’t give up on her until you’ve at least tried “The Bushwhacked Bride.” I’m fairly certain you won’t regret it.

    —The Wife

  78. FlyingFreeways said on 11.21.12 at 01:48 AM • [link]

    So what exactly is wrong with me that I actually want to read this piece of shit for its WTF value?  Ah—it’s that stack of 100 students’ research papers beside me, quite a few of which have a unique WTF value all their own.  At least the abhorrent book would have me laughing; the research papers, not so much.

  79. Redheadedgirl said on 11.21.12 at 11:23 AM • [link]

    If you have a kindle or something with a kindle app, email me at redheadedgirl.boston@gmail and I will loan it to you as soon as ppyajunebug returns it. 

  80. izzybella said on 11.21.12 at 08:14 PM • [link]

    Dear Redheadedgirl-
    You are officially like one of my favoritest people EVER.  That review was EPIC. 
    Sincerely,
    Izzybella

  81. The Other Susan said on 11.21.12 at 11:13 PM • [link]

    “What if her stud is a dud”!  Stopped reading at this to laugh myself sick.  OK, back to review.

    Reminds me of my mother’s advice about marriage:  “Try before you buy.”  I’ve never asked her why she advises this -*really* don’t want to know.

  82. Vanyel_Kane said on 11.22.12 at 12:58 AM • [link]

    You know what? I’m taking this as a challenge. Can this book be the breaker of all readers? Can you finish this book? I’m going to try it and will get back to you.

    My tolerance for this shit is incredibly high so this will be interesting.

  83. Danielle Sharpe said on 11.22.12 at 01:31 AM • [link]

    Ok, I’m going to say it. If Viking had a glimmer of talent and the tempestuous turd Riley fished from her toilet, slapped into a cover and then called *ART* had none, then does it logically follow that it was Fabio’s influence that gave Viking it’s spark? I know that’s a shocking thought, I think I need a wash, feel a little creeped out.

  84. Elizabeth said on 11.23.12 at 02:51 AM • [link]

    Just bookmarked this page so that I may use all those fantastic Jeremy Renner gifs at a later date…not weird right?

  85. Connie333 said on 11.25.12 at 03:52 PM • [link]

    Am I the only one that thinks that Jeremy Renner looks like Jensen Ackles’s long lost brother?
    Thank-you for the awesome review and the eye-candy. Also the picture of the hilariously fugly cover of the book.

  86. Philippa B said on 11.27.12 at 12:09 AM • [link]

    You should totally thank him. And maybe send a link to the review so he can see how much love he gets in Bitchery land <3

  87. Jennifer Myrna said on 11.28.12 at 10:19 AM • [link]

    Dude’s been in a ton of things, but… Hawkeye from Avengers? (Third highest grossing movie of all time?) Walsh from The Unusuals? William Brandt from Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol? Sgt. James from The Hurt Locker?

    Damn gorgeous man with one fine ass, some of the best arms in the business, and a very talented actor.

  88. Mary Driftwood said on 12.09.12 at 01:49 AM • [link]

    This book sounds awesome. I will put it straight to the bottom of my “to read” list.

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