My LOLurveâ„¢ Letters: Let Me Show You Them

Behold, the entries for the Smart Bitches LOLurveâ„¢ contest, wherein our fabulous entrants crafted or appropriated an LOLCat for their book cover, and crafted their own letter of acceptance or rejection for their LOLCat Love Romance novel.

Please email your votes to both candy @ smartbitchestrashybooks.com and sarah @ smartbitchestrashybooks.com. Feel free to discuss in the comments, but votes cast in the comments section do not count! It’s like a Smart Bitch exit poll – maybe it’s accurate, maybe it’s not.

Voting ends at midnight, August 4th, Pacific US Time. Winner will be announced on Monday, August 6.

And behold: the entries!

EDITED TO ADD 8/3/07: Oops! Two entries didn’t make the completed synchronization between my inbox to Candy’s, so I’ve added them below. If the addition of No. 13 and No. 14 changes your vote, please feel free to email us your vote again. No worries.

EDITED TO ADD 8/4/07: Dammit! Missed one more. Check out Entry No. 15, bitches. – Candy

Entry No. 1

Ms Lerv Oridae
68 Back End
Little Tight CA 95814

Dear Ms Oridae:

Thank you for submitting your novel “i r nu beever” to Buttered Bread Press. Your work has passed through our circle of editors and we are inordinately pleased to be able to offer you a contract on your pithy, yet erotic, manuscript.

We agree with the sentiment in your query letter that the juxtaposition of genetically-altered bleached genitalia and autoerotic angst has never before been fully examined in serious erotic romance fiction and are delighted to see that you understand fully Buttered Bread’s vision to become the home for romances that explore not only the physical, psychological, emotional, environmental, pedagogical and spiritual side of bio-mutations, but also the practical limitations that plague a relationship between two completely incompatible genital configurations. I believe your novel has the potential to bridge such a wet, slippery chasm.

Our senior editor also wishes to point out that your use of lolcode to describe the inner thoughts and motivations of the heroine, o hai, is a wrenching, emotion-filled expose of aspects of eroticism that, to be frank, many other publishers have shied away from.

We are delighted that you decided to submit to our publishing house and attach our standard contract with accompanying DNA verification form. Please take this form to any of the listed medical labs for the usual author-vetting examination, at our expense of course, and return it to us with your signed contract.

We hope to hear from you soon!

Regards,

Ismel Dah Cheez
Acquisitions Editor
Buttered Bread Press

Entry No. 2

Nymphadora LaceyDrawers
666 Scorpio Lane
Wangston, TX 2469

Ms. LaceyDrawers

Though I don’t make a habit out of responding personally to submissions from non-published writers (I leave that to my staff of frizzy haired minions), I must admit your obvious talent caught my oh so critical eye. I have enjoyed reading the sample pages of Plays With His Prey and may I say I find the characterization of Lucifer, the Dark Lord Kitty King quite fascinating. Your heroine, the young veterinarian Dr. Lovessa Shyflower, is so believable and easy to relate to! After all, who among us haven’t felt an undeniable sexual attraction to the feline race? 

It is my pleasure to offer you an advance of $45k for the complete story of Lucifer and Lovessa, to be no less than 200 pps. In addition, I would like to schedule an interview to discuss the possibility of an extended Feline Fever series; paranormal books are super-hot right now, and I think your unique portrayal of a superior race of sexually charged cats with dark tortured souls in search of their life-mate will fill a much needed niche in the market.  May I suggest you add a few vampires or pirates to the saga? Perhaps a race of vampire-pirate-warlords? 

My fondest regards,

Claudessa Swanhattery
A Very Important Person
MountHolyHooHa Publishing

Entry No. 3

zTrange Love Publishing
The Best in Electronic Love
Vibrators Included with Orders
Batteries Not

Fuzbucket Ave
Suite 008
Farhills, NY 10200

Derz Mistres or Mist W. Shakenspar:

I terrizbly so zory to tell youz that weez no longer needz for these
interzpeciez ztoriez. Luz amongst rabitz and catz waz once zo popula
and hot is now kewl.

Howevr, we at ztrange Love, do find yuz writin veddy strange –
especially da rhyming wordz at the lazt two linez.

Do youz dink that youz can sendz another zample of youz writin? We
vere thinkin of a Menage a Catre.

Waitin; vith zee baited breethes to har from U!

Zinzerely,

Racee LaClare
Editor
Spezies and Menage Imprint

PZZ: Be it know thatz youz can haz adzanze of $999.99

Entry No. 4

Ms Nra Lolbrts,
404 Cheezburger Lane
Nunbukkit, AB, Kanada
1!1 !1!

Dear Ms. Lolbrts,

We here at Schitts & Geegulls were incredibly pleased and impressed by your proposal for Furbiddn Luv . In this day and age, too many people are trying to place barriers around the definition of love (and the definition of English spelling and grammar), and your unique, passionate, and furry voice successfully blasts them all to smithereens.

Dogs and cats have been quite underutilized in modern literature, but you really captured the secret desire behind Baroness Catterly’s coy demeanour as she tells Lord Woofington, “Ah made u a cookie but I eated it.”  I also found Chapter 17, titled “Surprize Buttsecks!” to be a masterpiece of erotic bestial wordplay. I could really tell that the fur was flying, but you also managed to keep it tasteful.

I believe your story would be perfect for our Got Tail?â„¢ line of romances, because I feel your story of the pains and passions of interspecies lovers will reach out and butt-hump the hearts of animal lovers everywhere. The tale of a cat learning the secrets of doggy-style is one that desperately needs to be told, and you’ve more than displayed the ability to do it.

We are willing to offer a 100 000 PetBucks advance for your 345pp manuscript – PetBucks, of course, being fully redeemable at all Pet Palaces and Fanny’s Furry Fetish Stores in North America and Belgium. We’ll be expecting your completed manuscript by Friday.

Dearest regards,

Invi Siblebike
Associate Editor
Schitts & Geegulls

Entry No. 5

Ms. AnnaJay Eee
2319 Sumstuff Ln.
Backasswater, Arkansas, 76543

Dear Ms. Eee

In over seventy-three years of combined publishing experience, we here at Hackyoutoo Enterprises have never been so moved as we were by “Leavin Drunk Man Cat Wiv Fuzzy Balls Sac.” Not only have you hit a home run with your touching portrayal of a cat family’s heartbreaking struggle with feline alcoholism, but you’ve addressed the very real problem of fuzzy balls sacs syndrome—a very real problem for thousands of long-haired felines the world over.

The heroine’s struggle to come to terms with the way fuzzy balls sacs made her laugh uncontrollably during coitus was very real…very, very real, in the realist way possible. Really.

In addition, your dark, tortured hero’s brave recovery after discovering his wife’s addiction to manipulating her own passions with his discarded beer bottles in a quest to recover her lust for lust, was the rarest sort of read. In the good way.

This manuscript will make a beautiful addition to the LOLurveâ„¢ Cat Romance line, and we hope you will consider placing this manuscript with us. We know you’ve had other offers for this heartbreaking work of staggering alcoholic fuzziness, but we trust you will see that Hackyoutoo is prepared to provide you with the best of the best of the best.

Bestly,

Mangina Crotchfruit
LOLurve Cat Romance—Acquisitions

Entry No. 6

Ms. Candida Kitt
69 South Cheshire Rd
Los Gatos , CA   90002

Dear Ms. Kitt:

Thank you for allowing us to read your recent submission, “I Wuz An Undercovur Ho Fur P.E.T.A.!”

Unfortunately, it does not meet our needs at this time.

Although God loves all creatures great and small, and I took great delight in reading portions of your manuscript by flashlight, your wanton behavior and sexually-oriented premise simply does not fit our Shadowette Puritan Inspirationals line.

However, I have recommended your work to the editor of our sister publication, Schlong City Stories, and she is eager to offer you a contract.  They are prepared to pay you an indecent amount for North American rights, a vulgar amount for all rights, and an absolutely obscene amount if you will claim that it is a memoir, rather than fiction.

Their editorial office will be contacting you shortly with a contract and request for a fresh copy of the manuscript.  I fear the one you sent me became stained somehow with Strawberry Body-Heating Oil Number Nine.  The trials and tribulations of being an editor…

Best of luck with your future career,

Priss C. Neelock

Puritan Inspirationals

Entry No. 7

Debborah Deaubwah
101 Rainbow Way
Somewhere Overthere, WI 86753-0909

Dear Ms. Deaubwah,

Thank you very much for sharing with us your magnificent manuscript, Virgin Kitty is being Virginal. As you know, we here at Stochastique House love reticent, virgin lovers almost as much as we love secret babies. We were moved to tears when Virgin Kitty realizes she “cannot unsee what she sawed.†Her journey from “DO NOT WANT†to “WANT†is an odyssey of self-acceptance to which every reader can relate.

We were thrilled at your submission of a chapter of your proposed sequel, I’z in Ur Familee Manor, Havin Ur Invisible Bebeh?? The tension and passion in Virgin Kitty and Hero Cat’s married relationship is touchingly depicted. We also appreciate that Hero Cat wears pants less often, and that there is, in general, more touching. 

We would like to offer you the hefty fee noted in the attached contract for Virgin Kitty, plus an advance bonus for Invisible Bebeh. Stochastique House cannot wait to get Virgin Kitty fully exposed, so as soon as details are settled, we’ll get your promotional tour under way. The tour will cover areas in our most important growth markets, namely, luxury resorts and picturesque towns in countries known for their master chocolatiers. We have contracted a professional concierge/lackey/cabana-boy/cover-model to accompany you.

Looking forward to a lucrative and lurvely relationship,

Veronikah Pronowncitwright
VP of Acquisitions
Stochastique House Publishers, Inc.

Entry No. 8

Ms. Maddysynn Schwanstucker
47 Abrams Ave.
Land O’ Lakes, FL

Dear Ms. Schwanstucker,

Thank you for your recent submission of your manuscript, Supryze! I Are Sekrit Bebeh! Rly. Our dedicated team of slush pile–scouring interns spent a vast amount of time evaluating your hard work, and we are pleased to offer you a contract for this manuscript and your next four books, provided you continue to feature unexpected feline births in each.

We were especially pleased with your sensitive handling of the heretofore taboo subject of interspecies, underage bondage relationships, and we believe the love story between your very sympathetic heroine, Ovaria Dunfoppage, and her musclebound tomcat lover Rexxx will connect with the readers who look forward to the genre-pushing offerings from Beast With Two Backs Press each month.

Our contracts department will be in touch shortly regarding the financial specifics of our agreement. We look forward to receipt of your second manuscript by the end of the month.

Furrily,

Guinevere Sledgehorne
Beast With Two Backs Press
Undisclosed Location Due to Protests by Fred Phelps

Entry No. 9

Ms. MarySue Beth Carter-Jones
123 Pussy Willow Way
Uptown, TN 37167

Dear Ms. Carter-Jones,
I am writing to tell you that I have read your manuscript titled I Can Has Feathergasm, and I must say I enjoyed it immensely. I must that I agree with your prediction that it will open up a whole new style of romance novel, involving LOLCats, feather boas and spectacular racks. Having your LOLCat heroine using a feather boa to orgasm, wrapping herself in a feather boa while having an orgasm, or just clutching a feather boa while she has an orgasm was a stoke of genius, and I love your usage of the word “feathergasm” to describe these events. We here at TigoBitty Press are very excited to make you an offer on your book /I Can Has Feathergasm/, with a suggested advance of $100,000.  I realize that seems low for a first novel of such LOLittude, but we believe that this novel will be such a revolution for the romance industry that sales may start off slow.  However, we will be sending you on a signing tour of the U.S., Canada and Great Britain, with a possible side trip to Paris, complete with spending money, as well as funding any research you might need to conduct for future LOLCat novels.

However, we would like to suggest a few revisions to the final manuscript.  Namely, we here at TigoBitty Press would like to see more scenes where the LOLCat hero describes the heroine’s rack, since it is so superb.  Also, we would like to see more sex between the hero, heroine and her feather boa.  These scenes exhibit such brillant use of LOLCat dialoge, with the hero’s standard lines of “I can has taste of pussy?” and “I is coming!” and the heroine shouting “I can has feathergasm!” at the climax of their lovemaking, that we would like to see a sex scene on about every other page or so, instead of the scant 2 or 3 per chapter.

I look forward to reading the revised manuscript, which I will expect on my desk no later than next Fri, the 13th, and also future LOLCat romances.  I would like to see your next manuscript as soon as possible, perhaps by the end of the month?

Sincerely,
Lolita Robinson
Senior Editor, Romance Department, Tigobitty Press

Entry No. 10

Miss Molly Meow
567 Forepaw Lane
Orange Couny, PA 12287

Dear Miss Meow,

It is with great excitement that we here at Hardtoquitt Books offer you congratulations. We have just finished reading your epic novel, “The Fierce and The Fiercerer”, and we must say we have never read a novel of such gripping emotion and commentary on the horrors of surviving the surge of animal spayings in the last twenty years! Such passion! Such adventure! Why, when your heroes face the onslaught of flying shoes, making love with abandon despite the dangers—not to mention the balance required to stay on that wood fence!—and letting no one keep them from having kittens of their own…well, I’m not afraid to admit I shed more than a few tears.

It is with that sentiment that I send you this offer, small though it may be, of a ten million dollar advance upon the arrival of your completed 150pp novel. We would also like to start the book tour as soon as possible. Does Saturday work for you? Of course, we’d make sure you were amply supplied with TidyCat brand litter for the duration of the 39 week best sellers tour and all caviar would be expensed to us. We’ll be expecting the novel at your earliest convenience…. Tonight at 8pm will be great!

Thrilled!
Joanna Bo Banna
SuperBest Editor
Hardtoquitt Books
Canada, NY 105605

Entry No. 11

Ms. Witch:

Thank you so much for your submission to Interspecial Romance Inc.  As you know, we are on the cutting edge of romances featuring love connections between the species.  As such we welcome manuscripts, which explore the boundaries of the known and the unknown in species interactions.

However, we find that our readership has a much easier time connecting to a story in which the hero and the heroine are both living creatures.  Not that we doubt the passion of Nik for G Raffe.  His repeated exhortations that “her fuzz iz soft†and “iz mai only onez†make this claim unmistakable.

But nowhere is there evidence of any returned affection on the part of G.  We can only speculate to her state of mind since said mind does not technically exist.  Also, since she is incapable of giving consent, any acts of “passion†between the characters are non-consensual, or at best coercive.

Although I wish to encourage the work of all writers, I would suggest that such plot lines are far ahead of their time and perhaps a more conventional take on the interspecies romance might be examined.  For instance, I can imagine the intricacies and excitement of a plot that involved the forbidden passion between a domesticated cat and an actual giraffe.  This might be a more appropriate line of exploration for a future story.

Good luck to you.  We hope that you will accept a gift of The Horse and His Goat, our latest best selling title, with our compliments.

Sincerely,

Zoo Keypur
Editor

Entry No. 12

Ms. Kitty Haole
1229 Rubmy
Bellybitch, OH

Dear Ms. Haole,

Thank you for submitting your latest manuscript, Innocence Losted In The Couch, to S&N Books. Unfortunately, while your book is well-written and features interesting characters, at this time it does not meet our editorial needs. We find that, marketwise, readers do not respond tales featuring sexually aggressive older “uncle” cats “bringing up” kittens and initiating them into the ways of domestic life and multicat households. It is like a ratty old nippy mouse everyone has chewed. Also, incestuous activities between identical littermates is a plot element expressly forbidden in our line’s guidelines. At this time, we must pass on your submission. Perhaps you could direct your attention to our sister line, HeadKick Tales?

However, we were intrigued by the character of Gimlet, the mother cat who abandons her litter, and the detail of her calico coat with a pirate patch over one eye. Pirate cats are hawt right now. Perhaps you could explore her character in another piece? One that meets our line’s guidelines of exciting adventures among the spayed and neutered?

Best wishes,

Callie PawPaw

Entry No. 13

Miss Mina Coochfang
69 Flange Street
Pooterville
Idaho
ID 83705

Dear Miss Coochfang

Thank you for your enquiry.  Everyone here at Bewbie, Vajayjay & Smith Publishing is 100% dedicated to the quality literary publication of outstanding romantic print and we feel that your submission ‘When Siblings Love That Wrong Way’ is not suitable for us at this time.

We respect your hard work and the bravery that went into investigating sibling incest in the Deep South and your characters; Cleetus-Bob and Britney-Lurleen, were certainly vivid and imaginative.

The premise of two siblings being thrown together after their truck won’t start on the last day of the Cheapo Mart beer sale was highly original.  We felt the range of emotions your pairing experienced as their dog died and the heat wave forced the young man and woman into their ramshackle trailer, thusly forcing them to explore their lustful and illegal desires.  Your talent for erotic and bendy positions inspired us and we were overcome with feeling when Cleetus-Bob and Britney-Lurleen had their special baby in the outhouse during the tornado scene.

We are certain that while this particular novel is not suitable for us at this time, you will be someone to watch out for in the near future and we would welcome any further work you may like to send us.  We are definately interested in the adventures of Buddy the Backwards Baby and we cannot wait to read your premise.

Thank you again.

Regards,

I R Laffing
Assistant Mail Room Clerk
Bewbie, Vajayjay & Smith Publishing

Entry No. 14

Ima Weiner
9834 Fake St.
Springfield, VT 04953

Thank you for your submission of HED SCRATCHINGS to Lurve Notes Inc. Your work was a unique entry into our market. I’m sure you intended it as biting social commentary as stated in your query letter. Unfortunately, for you, at this time we have to decline your work.
While you seem very comfortable with the topic of head scratching, we believe the intended audience of Lurve Notes may find it too taboo a subject. (I must admit your graphic descriptions caused even this seasoned agent to cringe.) While we are not interested in this work, I am sure there are specialty magazines such as Cat Fancy that would publish your work or psychiatrists willing to talk with you at length (possibly free of charge).
Perhaps in time our readers will be ready for your uniquely disturbing view of the world, but for now we have to ask that you cease correspondence with us.

Jackie Rabbit
Head Agent
Lurve Notes Inc.

Entry No. 15

Ms. Sarah Meowshell Gellarcat
P.O. Box 666
Hollywood, CA 55555

Dear Ms. Gellarcat,

After reading your proposal for “Vampire Cat: Dark Tom Spayz Zee Siamese Slayer” we at Snarky Puss Pub would like to make a verra generous seven-figure offer to publish your paranormal erotic feline fetish novel.  As a bonus upon signing, we will ship you a box of genuine Cuban catnip wrapped in leaves from the Dominican Republic.

You had us at, “I want to suck your barren ass blood.”

Our team is confident that your fresh twist of this classic tail will make us millions.  An advance check of $250,000.00 is enclosed.  Cashing of said check is legal acceptance of the terms listed in your contract, and also an acceptance of our sister company’s long distance plan. Contract is enclosed and ready for review by your agent.

Please send your complete manuscript via overnight PUPS by August 31.

Sincerely,
Jossylnn Whedon-Whiskers
Senior Editor and Long-Distance District Manager