Of course the Smart Bitches amuse and entertain with a sharp assessment of the romance genre—that’s a given. But about halfway through the book, I realized they’d pulled off another feat. Not only was I laughing at the snark while I learned the historical roots and some little known facts about my own business, I became truly proud to be a romance writer. They may poke fun, and indeed they do, but the subtext of real love and appreciation for books that have been traditionally belittled and dismissed came through on every page. Beyond Heaving Bosoms slays preconceptions, makes a compelling argument for respect, and shows why truly smart bitches can and do love trashy books, all in an unforgettable, inimitable voice and style. Well done!!
— Roxanne St. Claire
Outtakes, Excerpts and Extras
10 Commandments of Heroine Conduct
Book: Beyond Heaving Bosoms: The Smart Bitches’ Guide to Romance Novels
- Thou shalt not lust in thy panties for any male’s mighty wang due to normal sexual horny pants. Thou shalt lust in thy panties only for the mighty wang of the hero. There is no “ho” in heroine.
- Thou shalt not offer an accurate representation of the financial insecurities of women at the time period by actively looking for a hero of wealth and reputation, and admitting that thou art doing so without remorse. Just because every unmarried woman at that time actually was doing so is no excuse for similar behavior in a romance heroine.
- If thou art in a historical, thou shalt not be without a loyal, trusty servant, even though trusting the servant put the servant in a complicated position of power over her mistress, and really, a heroine who is blackmailed by her servants is scarcely a noble prototype of admirable behavior.
- Thou shalt not be aware of your beauty. Every villain, sleazy uncle, and otherwise able-bodied male who has ever clapped eyes on thee may make sexual overtures on thee, but thou shalt remain in blissful oblivion.
- Thou shalt have a nurturing streak larger and warmer than the South China Sea. Thy desire for children shall be unquestioned and unperturbed by real-life concerns such as the cost of child rearing, reproductive choice, and child-support payments (in contemporaries), or the dangers of childbearing (in historicals). And shouldst thou choose to remain child-free, thou freak of nature, verily though shouldst display your nurturing streak with animals. Preferably cute,neurotic ones.
- If thou shalt have a baby with the hero prior to getting together with him, thou shalt keep this baby a secret.
- Thy amnesia shalt be sexy and not be complicated by distinctly unsexy side effects such as loss of motor control, speech impediments, loss of cognitive skills, and inability to control bodily functions.
- Thou shalt not win against the hero in any significant way. A few moral victories shall be thine; all other substantive victories shalt lie with the hero, for yea, his wang is mighty.
- If in a historical, thou shalt desire escape from the domestic sphere. If a contemporary, thou shalt desire escape from a soul-sucking career. If in a paranormal, thou shalt desire escape from the superpowers and eternal life that have been foisted unwillingly upon thee.
- Thou shalt not kill, unless it be accidental or under extremely limited circumstances. Thou especially shalt not be an efficient killer, unless thou art in a paranormal and thou killest most nonhuman bad guys who verily had it coming to their asses.