Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

Sensation, By Thea Devine.  Didn’t even have to think about it.

Tough question. What do you mean by bad romance? A book so awfully written that your eyes aches just staring at the pages? Or a book with such a terrible plot and characters that it makes you grateful to be who you are—complete with your old routine, the five pounds you’d rather weren’t spoiling the line of you hips and the boyfriend would once forgot your birthday?

Or maybe the book would have to be both so that it can truly deserve it title of ‘Worst Romance of the past 25 Yrs’?

I confess I can’t name a title. My memory is not what it used to be. But I’ll be following this thread closely because I’m curious to see the answers. This’ll be as funny as reading your Monday posts about ‘interesting’ covers

I have just discovered that there is no edit button and that I really should have re-read my message before posting it with its many erros and typos.

*Lesson learned*

“Left Behind.”  Hands down.  You have to read it to really get the depths of the badness.  It’s full of indescribably bad writing—the perfect example of what could have been interesting speculative fiction gone horribly wrong.

The Bachelor, by Carly Phillips. I forced myself to read the first fifty pages or so, thinking “It has to get better.” It didn’t - the characters stayed cardboard, the silly mother kept pushing the hero to marry - didn’t matter who - and the brothers kept spouting off inane, trite dialog. This book was like a Harlequin Temptation on steroids, padded out to be a single title. I can’t believe this is the book that propelled Phillips to stardom, and I sure have no desire to read her other books.

‘we were honored to be asked and are trying to come up with a response’

I hope you do. It’d be nice if someone nominated a romance as one of the best books of the past 25 years, because some of them are very good books. I’d be nominating Crusie’s Fast Women if I had a blog, which I don’t. But I can’t think of a worst romance. They tend to merge together in a blur of arrogant-hero-unrealistic plot-TSTL heroine-anachronisms.

There have been quite a few romances that I couldn’t bring myself to finish, but in terms of a book that stands out in my memory as beyond awful, I’d definitely vote for “The Nosy Neighbor” by Fern Michaels.

Unleash the Night by Kenyon. Lack of logic or consistency in world building. Crappy heroine. Crappy hero. No chemistry, poor writing, no feeling of them actually falling in love for any reason. No emotions. Inconsistent characterization.

I’ve never despised a book more. And I’ve read a lot of crap in my life. I’ve got a review somewhere of it…

Uh..why finish a horrible romance?! Life is too short to suffer so much. Mt. TBR grows too fast to finish the shitty books.

Now, if it’s so terrible it becomes a parody? Those might be worth reading. Any of those listed?

Two of the worst in recent memory:

“Improper English” by Katie Macalister…so bad that not only did I not finish it, I threw it in the trash so as not to inflict it on anyone else.  The heroine was TSTL and a raving bitch.  I seriously wanted her to die.

“Goodnight, Sweetheart” by Suzanne Simmons.  I finished this one but only because it ended so abruptly.  It was like she got bored with writing the story and just tacked on this ending that came out of nowhere.

The worst have been by people whose names I have not recognized, purchased while in line at, say, the dollar store when on one of those magical post-happy hour shopping bouts. I went and found them so as to save other people:

Sweet Dalliance by Lisa Bingham

That’s the only one I got through—secret baby/fake dead wife plot and all. There are two more waiting, but I seem to keep finding other books to read for some reason.

Other books that have sucked donkey balls and are more mainstream? The shopaholic books by Sophie Kinsella were the only things I took to read on a vacation, having heard such good things about them. Ugh. The same goes for most of chick lit, a genre that has plotlines just as predictable and more generic than many romances. The worst of the bunch is High Maintenance by Jennifer Belle.

I won’t pick the worst written ever, ‘cause the list is too long. But the novel where I most wanted to castrate the “hero” with a dull chain saw was….

The Insiders by Rosemary Rogers.

And after I was done with him I wanted to go all medieval upside the heroine’s head for being too frickin’ stupid to live.

Worst romance ever: “Scarlett” by Alexandra Ripley. The writing sucked, the plot sucked, the characterization sucked. And it’s resemblance to “Gone With the Wind” (of which it is supposed to be the sequel) is about the same as the reseblence of chicken shit to diamonds. I threw it against a wall. Several times.

Worst book ever: Still might be “Scarlett”, but in the historical fiction category, I’m voting for “The Talisman” by Sir Walter Scott. They ride through the desert for thirty pages. Shoot me. Shoot me now.

Texas Wildflower by Susan Wiggs.

The two most miserable characters ever.  They didn’t stop fighting until the last four pages, and even then, it was sort of resignation to their fate instead of HEA.

I don’t know if I could name a bad romance.  The bad ones blend together.

Worst piece of fiction:  “Jonathan Livingston Seagull” by Richard Bach.  I kept mentally throwing Alka-Seltzer tablets in the air so he would die and shut up.

I’ve got three that were so bad they hit the wall and rebounded into the trash:

THE RUNAWAY DUKE by Julie Ann Long
Pedophilic heroes are creepy, not sexy. And don’t get me started on the dialogue . . . so modern, so melodramatic.

HIGHLANDER UNBOUND by Julia London
The hero the socially retarded son of a Laird (washing his clothes in a pond in London? Hunting in Hyde Park?). The heroine is an unsympathetic bitch, and I wanted to strangle her precocious and saccharinely sweet brat.

THE DARK HIGHLANDER* by Karen Marie Moning
Didn’t get past page three.

*At least I think it was this one, I’ve tried to block it out. So amazingly awful.

The Conqueror by Brenda Joyce

There is nothing, NOTHING redeeming about this book, IMO.

I would like to point out that Dame Barbara Cartland was alive and writing for at least half and more of those twenty-five years in question.

I’m not sure that whatever I read of hers during that quarter of a century was actually written within those years, but I distinctly remember the feelings of abject horror, a distinct desire to gounge out my eyes with a spork…and…a lot…of dialog…where…the heroine…mostly spoke…in…ellipsis…possibly to…transmit…secret messages…to our ...intelligence…services…overseas…via morse…code.

Alas, since my mind has erased the names of the exact titles in question as a self defense measure, Dame Barbara’s MI6 steganography front probably doesn’t count, unless your taking nominations for the posthumous lifetime achievement award.

For some reason ‘The Taming’ by Jude Deveraux has stuck in mind as very bad, but I can’t for the life of me remember what it was about or why I didn’t like it, and unfortunately trying to do is now giving me flashbacks to some other volume by another author that involved secret babies, amnesia, twin brothers pretending to be one another revenging themselves against each other by rape/seducing the heroine, and explosions, and sawmills, that was definately so much worse and I don’t want to try dredging it out of my memory anymore.  But it wasn’t in Manga form, and hopefully doesn’t really exist outside my fevered imaginings.

Sorry, I’m not being much help here :(

Amanda…

I actually challenged my authors for April Fools to write bad romance on purpose. The result is a freebie book that totally spoofs erotica and romance called Clicherotica: The Adventures of The Vampire Bowling League.  They even roasted the staff by picturing us as three sex-crazed chocolate-addicted gargoyles.

I have some very strange authors, apparently.

I sent Sarah a copy. Anyone else who wants to read bad on purpose and doesn’t mind ebooks, holler me up.

This is a really hard question for a lot of reasons.

I have read some crappy books in the last twenty five years. Really dog awful. Fuuugly. Two that come to mind straight away: American Psycho, because I think the publisher was an irresponsible shitehead asshat to even publish that ode to how best to torture women to death; and Shadowbrook, which is a great example of everything to avoid in historical fiction. I wrote a review of Shadowbrook on my weblog, but I won’t grace A.S. with a review.

But bad romance. It has to be one of the really offensive Cassie Edwards novels with the noble savage redmen who are tamed and civilized by sex with a white woman. Horrid writing, truly offensive premise. Racism in a tacky box.

One man’s trash is anothers treasure.  I love Katie MacAlister, and Improper English was a wacky parody that I liked-not my favorite, but not bad.

I’d have to say the worst is “Bridges of Madison County”.  Hands down.

Yeah, gigi, I second that. Absolutely. Ugh. BoMC. Puke.

I’ve read some awful books, but only one sticks in my mind. I put it down 15 pages in and unfortunately/fortunately I can’t recall the title.

It was Mills and Boon I’d picked up from a charity shop on a 5 for a pound deal, printed about 30 years ago. The hero was an experienced older businessman, ther heroine was his ingenue secretary and for some reason she’d gone to stay at his house in the country. I could have put up with that, probably, it’s no worse than others. I couldn’t read any more when the heroine saw him in casual clothes for the first time - white trousers, white shirt unbuttoned to the waist, gold chain nestled in his chest hair - and thought to herself - I’ve never seen anyone look so good. Seriously.

No question. To Charm a Prince by Patricia Grasso.

Mmm. Emotional abuse. So hot. Note to Ms. Grasso: there is a difference between alpha and cruel.

This is how the hero talks to the heroine in front of friends and family:

“Do not be ridiculous. . . You are fit for nothing and cannot live on the generosity of others indefinitely.” The heroine’s response? “I am NOT ridiculous.”

And, again in front of her family, when he finds out she has gotten herself pregnant with his child *koff*dickhead*koff*: “You should have thought of that before you spread your legs for me.”
Heroine: “I wanted seperate chambers.”
Hero: “You should have insisted. . . You knew I did not want to marry again.” Oh, yeah, and she’s the much younger virgin, btw. He’s always saying things like, “You’ll understand when you’re older.”

And the heroine is a fucking throw rug. She has a limp, so she limps through the whole fucking book. Never walks or hurries or rushes. Just limps. Get aload of this profound burst of self-confidence: Usually dormant due to her limp, Douglas pride swelled in her breast. Omg, you think I’m making that up but I’m not.

Copyright, by the way? Not 1983. 2003. Shameful. That’s the last time I buy a book based on a gorgeous cover.

Sucked. My. Ass.

Yeah, Angela H, totally agreeing with you there, “Improper English” is the worst one I’ve ever finished.  And I can normally dig Katie MacAlister, but this books holds the honor of having the worst heroine EVAH, which ruined the whole thing.  The clinching point, besides her being a weak and whiny biotch, was when her love interest wouldn’t abandon his job while they were like, en route to nab a child pornographer simply because she needed him.  Prioritize, bitch.

OH god yes, Honey Moon sucked!

I would vote Fantasy Lover by Sherrilyn Kenyon second worst. What the hell is sexy about a 2,000 yr old guy, that lives in a book and can’t freaking come?!?! that book was a total nightmare.

Rogue President by Audrey Godwin.

The single most horrible piece of shit ebook that calls itself erotic romance (and is so not close to being either), I’ve ever had the misfortune to read.

Rape? Check. Rape that the “heroine” actually thanks the rapist (her husband) for? Check.

Horrible writing? Check.

Stilted sex scenes? Check.

Plot holes the size of Texas? Check.

Little or no grasp of American history even though she writes about the Presidency? Check. (as in the first lady takes over as President when the President and Vice President get shot - because that pesky constitution must have gotten lost)

Add emotional abuse by the “hero” of the “heroine,” rampant adultery by him and then her and then him after she’s forgiven him all to stop a spy (god, just recounting this book is making me ill all over again) - and you have a clusterfuck of a book that should never, ever have been published anywhere on planet earth.

Incubus Dreams by LKH. What I managed to read anyway.

Summary:

Anita Black becomes the Sue with the mostest! All the men want her. She has every power ever invented by the author. Etc…

Urgh. Now my stomach hurts.

that should read: Anita Blake

sorry

Ok, gotta stand up here for Improper English.  That was the WHOLE POINT of the book, that the heroine started out insecure, self absorbed and selfish and slowly changed into someone decent. The story was about her transformation.

Slightly Shady by Amanda Quick. Or as I like to call it, Slighty Shady Seriously Sucky. I smartbitched it here, which lists all the ways in which it sucks my dick if I had one.

Not saying it’s the worst EVER, but the worst that *I’VE* ever experienced.

Hmm,
One person’s trash here too.  I’ve liked Karen Marie Moning’s Highlander books.  Although at this point, they’ve kind of run together.  I’ve generally liked Kenyon’s books too but I would agree that neither Fanstasy Lover and Unleash the Night are among the best.  UTN was very cheesy and your review was right on

Uh, neither Fantasy Lover *nor* UTN.  Wishing for an edit key here too.

I have to agree with Incubus Dreams. OMG, what a horrid piece of (calling it writing is stretching it) crap book.

It’s supposed to be a supernatural mystery, but the only mystery here is why someone would actually pay to read that crap.

It’s about Anita Blake, who, admittedly used to be a fairly competent vampire slayer, until she decided she was better at humping them than hunting them. So now she spends her days sleeping and her nights moving from encounter to encounter, and somehow she manages (with a straight face) dialogue like, “f*ck me! F*ck me while I’m tight.”

To which the answer is, “Oh, you’re so tight.” Yeah, sure she is. She’s only had ten guys so far that night. Uh huh.

Bad, BAD book, people. I dare you to read it and not weep.

Married to the Viscount by Sabrina Jeffries has to be the worst I’ve ever read.  The characters were like cardboard cutouts, the weird plot with the brother who left his pregnant girlfriend for no discernable reason and HAHAHA in the end it was all a big misunderstanding….

Apparently lots of people like her though because she sells a lot of books.

I seem to have a weird masochistic fascination with books I know are bad but sometimes read anyway. I mean, these writers never met an adverb they didn’t LUUURVE, and Mary Sue is a permanent fixture. The stuff’s just bad, in the same way that the old soaps like Dynasty and Knots Landing were, but there’s something compelling about them anyway.

I’m on the wagon now, though, because my critique partners will tease me within an inch of my life if I pick up any of these writers’ particularly noticeable writing tics. I’ve got bad enough habits all my own without absorbing things that’d make me throw my own WIP across the room.

I have to defend Dark Highlander - loved it. Not saying it’s great literature but it worked for me.

The worst book I’ve read recently is a miserable piece of dribble entitled, The Reluctant Miss Van Helsing. Hated the vampire hero. Would have loved to have staked him. Abusive and obnoxious. Hated the Heroine too. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Spineless. The worst part is I can’t seem to shake the %&($ing book. I wanted to sell it on Half.com but none of the codes on it will go into the clicky thingy. I’m thinking about setting it on fire. Unless somebody wants it, just pay the postage and I’ll send it to you.  A horrible book.

Otherwise, in the not that good category I’ll put most of Kenyon’s books. Men are too whiny. Somebody on another list I’m on said that Kenyon really knows how to write male characters. Really? Somebody please explain.

Katie Macalister’s books suck big time.

Lynsay Sands doesn’t thrill me either.

And I’m trying to read Dark Love by JR Ward right now and it’s really getting on my nerves.

I am so bitchy today.

I know I’ve read some awful romances in my time, but like others have said, they all seem to run together. The worst piece of general fiction stands out in my mind like a beacon, though: The Eye of the World by Robert Jordan. I’d been warned by friends how awful it was, with a TSTL hero, clichés up the wazoo, and approximately fifty million characters you’re expected to remember and, even better, care about, but as a masochist, I borrowed it from the library to see for myself how bad it was.

Took me six weeks to get through as many (short) chapters, and that only because I was forcing myself. Worst book I’ve ever read, bar none.

Honourable mention goes to the Spellsong Cycle by L. E. Modesitt, Jr. Word to the wise: never try to spread out half a book’s worth of plot over an entire series.

So many of my votes have already been mentioned, it was hard to come up with anything new. I can’t think of any specific books, but anything by Diana Palmer comes to mind. And still I feel drawn to pick her books up in the 4 for 25¢ bin at the local library ... there are no words ...

— Rapidreader

I can’t remember the name of the worst romance I ever read, but it had a Navy SEAL in it.  So I can never read another Navy SEAL book, just like I can never have another rum ‘n’ coke after that one night freshman year.

Any of the vampire huntress series by L.A. Banks. The dialouge is horrible.

Jeri,

I read one of those SB Seal’s book and I was traumatized for life. Good lord, what torture. I still have nightmares!

Trollop,

It definitely wasn’t SB, because I always think it’s her.  I hear “Suzanne Brockmann,” and I think, “Oh, didn’t she write that crappy SEAL book?”  Then I go back to my friend’s shelf (it was a borrow, not a buy, thank God) and see the author’s name and remind myself it’s not Brockmann.  No idea who not-Brockmann actually is, though. 

Not only did I not finish the novel, I didn’t even page ahead to read just the sex scenes, the way I do when I’m bored with a book’s plot.  I couldn’t bear the thought of these two annoying asshats having sex.

Love yer blog, BTW.

Jeri,

I think I’ll be staying away from any SEAL’s books in the future lol Though, I did order those other ones from the SB series (I’ve serious self-inflicted pain issues lol).

Tks for blog comment :D glad you liked it.

later,

xxx V.

Though, I did order those other ones from the SB series (I’ve serious self-inflicted pain issues lol).

This brings up a weird question: why do people continue to buy books by authors who have repeatedly disappointed them? So many people complain about the Anita Blake books (not me, I’ve only read #1 and liked it), then in the next sentence say they know they’ll buy the next one.  Is there a 12-step program for this behavior?

For me, what drive me absolutely nuts is when a favorite author goes way off her feed and writes a sucky novel. It’s like you had your mouth all set to bite into a delicious chocolate eclair, close your eyes, and instead you bite into a piece of stale toast.

I LOVE Catherine Coulter’s books, mostly her historics but I also have enjoyed her FBI suspense stories. However, I just about puked when I read RIPTIDE. OMG, it was not anywhere near her standard quality. A TSTL heroine and DADDY suddenly appears in her life after abandoning her as a baby and guess what—he’s a top espionage official. Add on unrealistic situations where the killer can get into a house filled with agents and then the killing insult to the reader for any story—a deus ex machina ending.

It always hurts more when you get bitten by someone you loved to read than when it’s an author you never heard of and could care less about.

—Cynthia Williams

Good question Jeri!

I’m horrible about stuff like that. After we started blog I feel I have to give all authors/books a fair chance *sigh* and not living in the US it’s bloody expensive for me to buy and ship books internationally. Needless to say I want to jump out a window every time an expensive book is bad!

I also want to believe that not everything by one author has to be bad (though have been proven wrong. How Mary Balogh is popular is a mystery to me :P) so I try to read a couple of books from each, even if I’ve been disappointed before.

With S.Kenyon, for example, I hated Fantasy Lover, but decided to go on and read the DH series, which I’ve really enjoyed. It doesn’t always happen so, but once in a while it does :D

V.

The worst book in history has got to be Judith McNaught’s “Whitney, My Love.” The guy was an ass and she was TSTL. Just thinking about how I wasted precious time reading this trash, I get high blood pressure. :angry:

This brings up a weird question: why do people continue to buy books by authors who have repeatedly disappointed them? So many people complain about the Anita Blake books (not me, I’ve only read #1 and liked it), then in the next sentence say they know they’ll buy the next one.  Is there a 12-step program for this behavior?

Who was it that said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results?

This brings up a weird question: why do people continue to buy books by authors who have repeatedly disappointed them?

Because sometimes we’ve temporarily run out of books by authors who haven’t disappointed, and some mornings you just can’t handle the stress of not knowing whether a new author is going to be good or bad and instead want the comforting knowledge of a known guaranteed level of awfulness.

...also we’ve probably read and reread the backs of all the breakfast cereal packets we’ve got in stock that day, and I’ve gone over the shops signs on my street just *so many times* already, plus the those ingredients lists on the tin cans become sorta predictable if you study them too intensively, and the instructions for how to pay printed on the back of most bills are really always kind of similar, whoever they’re from, when you get right down to it.

Chronic reading addiction is a terrible terrible thing to behold :)

Must…fill…head…with…words.

I’m a lurker, but felt compelled to comment here.  The one thing that strikes me is how one reader’s trash is another one’s treasure.  Authors that some find great (Katie MacAllister) I find unreadable.  Othes who are auto-buys for me (LKH, Kenyon), have rabbid detractors.  Go figure…

Side rant here: I always get cheese off with readers who think purple prose is “a lot of sex.”  No it’s not.  Exhibit A: AN IMPROPER BRIDE by Sara Blayne - one of the worst books I have ever suffered through.  All I’m saying is male member flaccid with spent passion.

Another God It’s So Awful Please Strike Me Down Now book is LONE EAGLE by Danielle Steel.  Horrible writing, a doormat heroine who pines away for the asshole hero while the “Nice Guy” and her “Extremely Intelligent Mother” are made out to be villains because they hate Asshole Hero.  I wanted to give myself a homemade labotomy.

And it’s nice to see that I’m not the only one who loathed DARK HIGHLANDER.  The heroine was so incredibly stupid I couldn’t figure out how she had lived as long as she had.

Oh my. How can you ‘not’ comment on a topic such as this?

It’s really interesting how some peoples idea of the ‘worst book evAH’ are other peoples favourite books.
But everyone knows that which ever book does get voted the ‘Worst’ somebody out there in the land of Internet will declare that it is in fact not a bad book, but the most stunning piece of Literature they have ever read, and really why they haven’t put it on the Must Read list for all English Undergrads?  (oh I think they did this with ‘The Outsiders’... tho’ college was a bit of a push, so they forced it on a bunch of 15 year olds… I’ll never forgive them… ever.)

Isn’t it nice to know everybody’s different? And I know, like a lot of people my own reading is influenced by my moods, I also know that some day I’ll be in a good enough mood to get through Lord of the Rings.

The worst book I’ve read, besides The Outsiders, was a Pirate Historical.. I’ve blocked both name and author from my memory. But I do remember that the Heroine was being brought from a nunnery in Spain to marry an older gentleman when all of a sudden her ship was attacked by pirates.
After about a hundred pages, a rather Large dent in my wall, and much whimpering on my part I finally gave up.

Books that made me physically ill:
The Public Burning by Robert Coover. Uncle Sam rapes Richard Nixon. *eye roll*
The Sword of Honour Trilogy by Evelyn Waugh. One was bad enough.
The Narrative of Arthur Goron Pym of Nantucket by Edgar Allan Poe. Just the title makes me ill. This is Poe’s only novel, thank God.

I have to chime in here and defend writers all over the world…especially those with lots of books…

A writer can’t be 100% 100% of the time.  Sometimes their books aren’t going to be up to par as the last, or the next.

For goddess sake people they aren’t robots…producing the same level of ‘whatever’ every time.

And then there’s pressure from their publishers to produce because they signed a three book deal with certain deadlines in place.

Okay, writer’s rant over….

Now, saying that I have read some books that I didnt’ like, but nothing that I hated, except LKH’s last Merry Gentry book…I’ve never been so mad in my life, I actually tossed that book across the room, and I NEVER do that.

Worst Romance: A Wild Justice by Gail Ranstrom. The copy I had was graced with anachronistic cover-art, which was a bit of a deal-breaker from the start. The hero had Ricky Martin’s hair (complete with bleached, spiky tips) and the heroine had one of Scarlett O’Hara’s blood-red Southern belle gowns. Which…great, but—Regency. Also they were supposedly dancing a waltz or something where they hold each other close, because it’s not close enough for an embrace and their in a ballroom. And weren’t waltzes the dance of choice for sluts back then, rather than high-society ladies? Besides the plot being ridiculous and yaaay she’s a redhead which means she’s allowed to get away with being a stubborn bitch to her man. Actually had a first here: I threw the book at the wall. Which I’ve never done before. After reading the first sentance. Something about a copy of Miss Jane Austen’s Sense and Sensibility (in what was supposed to be 1816 when her novels were still being published anonymously, I thought?) I guess Ms. Ranstrom wanted me to feel like she was on par with the Austen because her heroine was reading the Austen. Ahem. Your heroine is also wearing fabric much too dark for the fashion of the times. I don’t care if she looks lovely in it and it’s her favourite colour—dark purple is out.
Maybe I’m a nerd, but I can’t unknow these things and thus my hatred. I saw it back on the library rack yesterday and fleetingly thought of hiding it. Then I realized I’d have to pick it up again, and I might cry.

Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife by Linda Berdoll gets an honourable mention for being so bad it’s almost good.

Worst book in general: Wuthuring Heights. I mean, Cathy, shut up. God damn it.

The Glory Game by Janet Dailey.

Against the backdrop of the game of polo, Dailey included pretty much every ridiculous plot device known to man—husband’s adultery with younger woman, teenage drug addiction, love triangle with teenage daughter, stereotypes about Argentina and Argentinians (not to mention about many other nationalities), etc. Plus, wooden prose and soap opera style dialogue. I could go on but I don’t want to waste any more effort on such an awful book.

I’m not saying it’s the worst EVAH, but it’s definitely the worst I’ve ever read.

Oh The Glory Game! I totally forgot about that one. I won it in a contest two years ago and I still remember how much I hated it. The dialog, oh god!

And once I checked out a book from my library that had a five star rating at amazon. Well upon closer examination, the book was PA and after I read it and went to amazon to write my own review I realized that all the other reviews of the book were by other Publish America authors. I can’t remember the title anymore but it had the hero as a “high powered attorney” and the author kept having him introduce himself at “high powered attorney John Doe.” Over and over she did it. I kept reading, thinking that at some point I’d see why at least someone thought the book would be good but it never happened.

I like LKH still, but I thought Incubus Dreams felt like a very rough first draft.

Just curious…

Why is it that those who post the mosr personal attack-like rants on a book hide behind anonymous names?

Not to sound preachy, but if you’re going to express an opinion that’s that cutting and rough, you should at least have the balls to show your face, cyberly speaking. That’s why I like this site.

I use my real name and email when I post anywhere. You say it, you should own it. Hiding behind the Internet is chickenshit.

Rant over.

Huh…I read all the comments on this one and while I was doing so, I was wracking my brain for the worst book I’ve ever read. 

In all honesty, I can’t think of the name of it or the author, but there was a book I bought a year or so ago that was hideous. 

I can usually read anything and I do mean anything, but this author head-hopped so bad I got confused (which usually doesn’t happen).  I put the book down after the first three pages because each and every person who was “talking” on the page sounded like the same person.  I’m sorry, but that doesn’t work for me at all.

hey, speaking of talking and talking and characters all sounding the same. . . .I forgot Atlas Shrugged. My GAWD. It still gives me nightmares and I haven’t tried to read it for years.

Sarah’s Child by Linda Howard. Didn’t have to think twice.

I hate plots like that and any plot that seems similar gets a pass. No stopping.

Mistress Stef said: I use my real name and email when I post anywhere. You say it, you should own it.

Excellent point. Reminds me of that discussion several months ago about reviews and why some romance writers shy away from doing them, at least under their own names.

I didn’t mention any book titles or writers’ names when I posted on this topic earlier, but I definitely had certain books in mind. While it would’ve been cathartic to rant in more specific terms about a couple of them, I would pretty much be calling out the author, and I’m not in the mood to do that. Today. Someday, I may write about exactly why, for example, it’s SO fucking wrong to use topics like child molestation and date rape drugs irresponsibly, as cheesy plot elements cuz they’re attention-getting, and you betcha it’ll be under my real name. :-)

Agree on Atlas Shrugged. I was told by so many people that with my outlook on life, I would LOVE it.

I just couldn’t get through it. And considering I read technical manuals at the time, it takes a lot to bore me.

Thanks for the warnings about Atlas. I keep hearing the same thing, that I’d find it interesting, but I think I’ll steer clear.

To clarify something I said earlier:  I don’t think child molestation and date rape drugs can’t ever be used in a plot (not at all), but when they’re more like an attention-getting gimmick, that’s when I have a problem.

As much as I despise, Whitney, My Love, I just finished The Runaway Duke by Julie Anne Long and the hate’s much fresher.  As “withheld” noted, pedophilic heroes ARE creepy, not sexy, not to mention he called her wee Becca/wee Rebecca/wee Ned (she was in disguise for a while) at least 130 times (not an exaggeration.)  There were wee Beccas during the devirginizing.  So skeevy.

I have read a lot of bad books; a whole slew, Catherine Coulter’s The Heir, and the Countess for example, but some are very memorable because they were so bad I had no choice but to finish them just to see where the insanity went.

Now I would normally nominate Kat Martin’s Hot Rain for worst book if only because the book I really consider worst ever is so bad I hesitate to call it a book and if I ever were compelled to burn something in my house, Blush, by Suzanne Forster would be my number one item. I don’t even need the requirement of having to burn it for survival. Any old bonfire will do.

Blush is a bad combination of a horibble unlikeable heroine, incomprehensible hero, and an idiotic, wandering, unsatisfying plot that made absolutely no sense.

Any and all by Barbara Cartland.

As for fiction…. Cat’s Eye by Margaret Atwood

Celeste,

I agree. If it has something to do with the plot, fine. But it it’s tossed in there to draw attention, stupid.  But then again, I consider anything tossed into a book to draw attention or point it toward a market a stupid move.

And authors are not always at fault. I have seen what i consider good writing wrecked by heavyhanded editors trying to twist it into a market sector.

Speaking of Atlas Shrugged...

It’s the “what awful book are you” meme! I am still cackling about this three months after I found it.

http://mewing.net/badbook.shtml

Wow,yes, that is the best meme ever.
Thank you Jennifer!

I think I see the Odysseyyy in there too? Time to find out.

Jeez. I’m the Hobbit.

Oddly enough, that’s the only Tolkien novel I’ve gotten through. The description in that series kept bogging it down.

“Above and Beyond” by Sandra Brown was one of my personal worst read.  I read it about 4 years ago, so I don’t remember everything I hated about it.  One thing that sticks out though is the woman complaining about PMS and the one-eyed hero massaging her stomach for her to make her cramps feel better.  Maybe PMS is part of everyday life, but so is poop—neither I really need to read about in a romance novel.

I have to agree with gigi and Kate R.  Bridges of Madison County without reservation.  No one who “just lurved” the book has ever been able to explain to me its greatness.

Fiction:

Tommyknockers by Stephen King. I’m an avid fan, but this book just stank to high heaven.

Memnoch the Devil by Anne Rice. Though I’ve been told by many that this is their favorite of the vampire novels, I couldn’t get past page 3 (ditto with Dracula by Stoker)

Romance:

Pamela by Samuel Richardson. I read this for a class and recall snorting in disbelief that it was censored because she lay prone on the bed. Plus, he’s an complete ass, she hates him, and then suddenly loves him? Ugh.

Pamela by Samuel Richardson. I read this for a class and recall snorting in disbelief that it was censored because she lay prone on the bed. Plus, he’s an complete ass, she hates him, and then suddenly loves him? Ugh.

But wasn’t it worth it, just for the sheer pleasure of having Henry Fielding’s Shamela in print?  Oh, yeah, so worth it.

Not to sound preachy, but if you’re going to express an opinion that’s that cutting and rough, you should at least have the balls to show your face, cyberly speaking.

You know, Mistress Stef, you are right. And I accept your admonition. Because my comments were heartfelt and honestly outraged on behalf of women and writers and people who limp, but something cannot be taken as honest if it is posted anonymously. So I will take better care in the future.

But. . . not right now. Because I am not only cowardly, but also unashamedly self-preserving! True. So true. But next time if I can’t post under my own name, I won’t post at all. Lesson learned.

Purity’s Passion by Janette Seymour (1977).  This book starts out with the heroine’s female classmates arranging for her to get raped and gets more and more sadistic from there.  If anyone here can read it cover to cover and then honestly tell me there is a worse book in the romance genre, I will eat my ratty sneakers.

I guess that’s the worst romance of the past 29 years.  My bad.

Who was it that said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results?

Albert Einstein?

And who said LA Banks? You are SO RIGHT! Minion (and every book thereafter) was awful awful awful! (I had to type it three times, once wasn’t enough.)

And Laurell K Hamilton no longer proof reads for spelling, sadly, let alone content. :-(

There’s one by Catherine Coulter, but I had issues with the audiobook version and primarily due to the reader.

‘But. . . not right now. Because I am not only cowardly, but also unashamedly self-preserving!’

It’s actually quite simple.

If you feel the need to protect yourself from possible harm by hiding behind a fake name for what you post, then maybe posting it in the first place isn’t a good idea.

Take those extra five seconds between preview and post and think, “Damn, if I said that to this person right now, would they kick my ass?”

If the answer is yes,and you aren’t willing to accept a possible asskicking for posting it, then don’t post it.

The rules of respecting your fellow man shouldn’t be suspended just because you can hide behind the information superhighway. Piss off the wrong geek online and you’ll know pain anyway.

And no, my name isn’t Pollyanna. I just developed bullshit intolerance a long time ago. Or in this case, chickenshit intolerance.

Own it, stand behind it, or start pecking and sqawking, babe.

It’s very rare that I absolutely hate a book. I’m usually more indifferent and/or bored than tempted to throw a book against a wall. However, these certainly made me very annoyed when I read them.

Worst romances I’ve ever read:

Gentle Rogue - Johanna Lindsey
The only book by Lindsey I’ve ever read. I was kind of upset that the hero considers rape to be an okay way to teach the heroine a lesson. Apparently this is a recurring theme in Lindsey’s books, Gentle Rogue being one of the “milder” ones, or so I’ve heard. This got pretty good reviews at the time.

A Greek God at the Ladies Club - Jenna McKnight
Irrational heroine (I loath that!), dumb hero, boring story. Could have been sooo much better!

Shades of Gray - Amanda Ashley
This was my most recent romance read. And boy, was it ever frustrating! Contains: One overly needy vampire hero, one goody-two-shoes heroine, plenty of filler material and lots of contradictions. Blech.

Fiction I’ve hated the most:

Until I Find You - John Irving
Waaayyyy too self-indulgent for his own good.

Whore - Nelly Arcan
All about a student turned prostitute, we’re never quite sure why. She hates her mother, hates her father, hates her dead sister. She also hates all women, men in general and herself. If you enjoy reading nonsensical rants which resolve nothing and end abruptly, then read this.

Whew! Thanks so much for the opportunity to bitch. I feel much better now.

>>If you feel the need to protect yourself from possible harm by hiding behind a fake name for what you post, then maybe posting it in the first place isn’t a good idea. <<

Yep, that’s exactly what I just said. See? “But next time if I can’t post under my own name, I won’t post at all. Lesson learned.”

I acknowledge that you were right, and I really do appreciate realizing this earlier in my cyberlife instead of later.

I find a lot of authors that I otherwise like very much have little “quirks” that set my teeth on edge.  I normally like Sherrilynn Kenyon, though Unleash the Night was one of the weaker ones IMO. But is it necessary to make every human male in the series weak, stupid, and cruel?  I’ve known shitty men in my life, and none of them were so shitty they would live with me for months and then TELL me they were dumping me because I was too fat for their “public image.”  (Night Play.)  In general, men tend to weasel out of stuff like that, unless they are pure sociopaths, in which case, why do so many of them seem to live in N.O.?

And the J.R. Ward books…I love the characters, the plot, the overreaching arc that she seems to be developing, but….Phury?  Tohrment?  I could deal with the names if they were SPELLED correctly.

Karen Marie Moning:  Love her, love her..but if you are going to write a modern-day romance and give me a 25 year old VIRGIN heroine, she had better have a better reason than “Oh, I’m just so smart that men are intimidated by me, despite my bootyliciousness!”  Honey, men are not easily intimidated when it comes to sex.  Make the girls backsliding Amish or something, that I could buy.

>>I also want to believe that not everything by one author has to be bad (though have been proven wrong. How Mary Balogh is popular is a mystery to me rasberry) so I try to read a couple of books from each, even if I’ve been disappointed before.<

<

See, Trollop, that's one of those trash/treasure situations. For me, Balogh is an autobuy in hardcover. I admire her craft, how she uses words sparingly and to good effect. In addition, she was willing to take chances with her writing. She wrote

A Precious Jewel in 1993 and I can imagine the pitch on that one: “It’s a Regency about a woman who chooses to become a prostitute ‘cause she thinks it’s her best option, and one of her clients is a not very smart, not very good looking, clueless about sex guy who sets her up as his mistress.”

She also managed to pull of the virgin hero/sexually experienced heroine plot in No Man’s Mistress without it sounding too ridiculous.

Hey!  I wonder if that was the one Tam referenced with the premature ejaculation?  As I recall, the hero came like a rocket the first time.

Anyway, I’m a big Balogh fan, but I have heard other people can’t stand her.  Go figure.

“The only book I’ve ever thrown across a room”... funny how we all seem to remember that one. In my case, the experience was so traumatic that it was permanently engraved in my neurons, along with (unfortunately) the book, itself - The Insiders by Rosemary Rogers. The whole damn thing pissed me off… the heroine was a drug whore who did every man and woman in the book, the ‘hero’ was a pedophilic rapist who enjoyed torturing the woman. Just thinking about it pisses me off all over again. It really frosts my cookies that they labeled this shit “romance”. Ugh.

She’s the only author that will drive me to violence, but anything by Robert Waller or Nicholas Sparks will make me puke.

I don’t know if this was published within the last twenty-five years, but I would be remiss if I did not bring “A Pirate’s Love” by Johanna Lindsay to the discussion.  Otherwise known as “A Pirate’s Lust.”

I see someone has already mentioned Lindsay, and yes, rape as a teaching method is a recurring method in her books.  Sometimes, kidnapping and aphrodisiacs are involved.  But I doubt anything of hers tops the sheer over the top, endless, what the fuckness raping in “A Pirate’s Love.”

I read it years ago, after my friend lent it to me as an example of a romance so bad one needed to read it to believe it.  She gave me the whole plot before I read it, which was:  basically, girl on her way to arranged marriage gets captured by pirate.  Pirate rapes her, and rapes her, and rapes her, and this wasn’t “forced seduction.”  No, it was screaming, resisting rape.  And we’re supposed to want these people to get together?  The girl was rather annoying, but I still wanted her to escape him. Because no one deserves that.  And then Lindsay tried to show that the hero had a tortured past so we would feel for him.  Um, it was waaay too late for that.

I also remember starting not just one, but two, romances, probably published in the early 80s, where the “hero” brutally raped the heroine within the opening chapter.  Mercifully, I have forgotten the titles.  Just no comment.

Ah, the joys of Lindsey and the obession with rape. I remember Coulter was also very fond of heroines being raped by the heroes, or by sinister villains (and therefore terrified of sex). When rape as a tool for… um… something (not really sure what) went out of style, Coulter was still doing it. Back in my early teeny bopper days, I didn’t know any better and thought it was odd if there wasn’t a rape in a historical…

>>Back in my early teeny bopper days, I didn’t know any better and thought it was odd if there wasn’t a rape in a historical… <<

HAHAHA Oh, Lord. But how does she know that he really lurves her?

I almost want to pick up A Pirate’s Love, just because it doesn’t seem possible. But I shouldn’t, right? Save me from myself. It’s Tubgirl all over again.

I recently read a new erotic romance from someone I loved years ago. I think it must have been Thea Devine. One of the original big-name erotic authors. The book was a penisfest. Penis this, penis that. “I want you to touch my penis.” “Yes, I want to hold your penis in my hand. Your penis calls to me.” I would have rather heard “fleshy sword” at that point.

>I would have rather heard “fleshy sword” at that point.

can’t say that I have ever wanted to hear fleshy sword. Sounds like a piece of military hard ware off to a diet club :-D.

Actually though I know what you mean about a word ticking you off. My sister lent me a book (Name long gone) and said she couldn’t stand it because the word ‘penetrate’ was every where. This didn’ worry me as penetrate is one of her hang up words that she can’t stand (Don’t ask me, I come from the normelier side of the family!) But she turned out to be right.

The hero’s toungue ‘pentrated’ the heroines every warm orifice, his “fleshy sword”, pentrated the top (Bottom?) two, they pentrated into the darkness of the house, they asked pentrating questions, the bloody author was obsessed! Didn’t throw it against the wall, but by the end I was laughing a lot and waiting like it was a pantomime. “He’d behind you…. penetratingly”

Deffinatly an author in search of a thesaurus!

The worst romance ever was easily “Scarlet Leaves” by Sonya Birmingham. Easily the biggest waste of $3.99 ever. However, it does have one of the most hilarious first sentences ever.

“‘Lordamercy,’ Silky Shanahan whispered to her cousin Charlie, pulling him down behind a clot of thick laurel bushes. ‘There’s a buck-naked man over yonder taking a bath in old man Johnson’s pond!’”

The Southern accent used by the heroine is truly cringe-worthy.

Worst fiction ever? Anything by Harold Robbins. I unknowingly purchased “The Pirate” at my thrift store as part of a 5/$1 deal, thinking it was a harmless family saga from the 80’s. I have never seen more rape, violence, and horrificly evil (for seemingly unknown reasons) characters in my life. I was truly offended that this kind of crap got published. It would have been at least fitting if the “hero” died a violent and deserving death in the end (I was hoping by chain saw or something but to no avail.) Seriously, I want to burn my copy, I just don’t have a fire handy.

Can’t say I remember seeing “fleshy sword” in anything I’ve read, but I recently saw “the blade of his lust” somewhere or other. I’m not a big fan of euphemism-abuse, but as Victoria mentioned, using “penis” everywhere doesn’t exactly solve the problem, either.

Oh yeah, I have a love/hate with Katie MacAllister too.  I liked her regencies, and a couple of the contemporaries, but several of them I just could not finish.  I wonder if maybe she just writes too fast?  Rather than putting out five mediocre titles a year, she should just stick with one?

When bad books happen to great authors?  “Three Fates” by Nora Roberts.

Loved the first couple Anita Blake books, but I gave up on them after the fourth or fifth.  I read the first Merry Gentry book and thought it was ok, but I had a feeling that that series would head downhill even faster.

For fantasy, Kate Elliott’s “Crown of Stars” series.  The first two were great, then each successive book got longer and more complicated.  The author’s notes kept saying that the next book would finish out the series, and each successive book just tangled the plot strands, until her trilogy finally ended at book seven.  I’m on book six, and at this point it’s more like a project than something to enjoy.  One of the two main characters introduced in the beginning still fascinates me—the other fifteen storylines could just go away and I’d still be happy.  I don’t know, it seems to me that adding new characters and storylines whenever you get bored with the ones you started with is a bad way to go, no matter what genre.

I somehow got on the mailing list for posts here.  How do I get off?

Oh, the bad fiction, it burns the eyes!  I’ll have you know that halfway through reading the comments my internet decided to drop down to a 26k connection (weeping), so I grabbed a book to read as the different windows loaded.  What did I get?  The Rose Red Bride by Claire Delacroix. 

Now, I could be wrong, and this could turn out to be a stunning work of art which will stay with me for years and forever live in my fondest dreams.  However, the first few pages set off my squick meter wayyyy into the Red Zone of Doom.  Shall I share the highlights (lowdarks?) with you?  Yes, I believe I shall, since what I’ve read so far certainly seems to apply to this discussion:

1) Heroine’s brother is determined to marry off all his sisters before winter so it won’t cost so much to feed the family.  (wtf???)
2) Dear bro SOLD the heroine’s older sister at auction!  And now she’s all happy cuz she’s preggers.  AWW how kyoot!!!
3) “Hero” arrives to ask for heroine’s hand in marriage, and pays dear bro a few pieces of silver to arrange for the heroine to be left alone the next night, unchaperoned, without anyone guarding her window, in a room so far from the rest of the household that no one can hear any noises from the room.
3a) Such as screams for help? Maybe?
3b) Anyone else wondering how much silver his sister’s cherry was worth to dear bro?
3c) Wonder if the cash he’s getting from selling sis #1 to the highest bidder, then selling sis #2’s cherry, will make him change his mind about keeing the other 3 sisters around and feeding them this winter?
4) I’m sure it’s supposed to be a big surprise and all, but by page 8 I’ve already figured out that the “hero” is the disavowed older brother of the heroine’s old flame, who wants to wed the heroine just to get back at his older brother.
4a) WTF IS UP WITH THE ASSHOLE BROTHERS IN THIS BOOK?????
4b) WTF IS UP WITH REVENGE SEX PLOTS IN GENERAL?????????  I mean, muh Gawd!

Ahem… with the ranting, I forgot the two things I originally wanted to say—Mistress Stef?  I SO want a copy of that spoof ebook!  Click my name to get to my website for my email addy.  You rock!

And two, worst book ever?  Christine Feehan’s Dark Generica.  Well, that’s not its real name, but it might as well be by now.  Another author who is obsessed with rape, and seems to use the argument that if the hero uses his “mind-control magic powers” to “force pleasure” on the heroine, it’s NOT RAPE.  Oh yeah, even if she’s saying no the entire time, even if she cries afterward and tells the hero, “I hate you for raping me,” the vamp hero dude made her come a few times so it’s all hunky dory now.  Because orgasms wipe away all feelings of helplessness, invasion, powerlessness, fear, and humiliation that follow rape.  Bitch, please.

Not to mention how all the chicks (can’t bring myself to call them heroines) fall in Luuuurve with their (uniformly unapologetic) rapists almost immediately thereafter.  Well, then again, it just proves there’s nothing like a solid orgasm to make the brain check out, apparently.

However, the first few of Feehan’s Dark books, I enjoyed.  They hadn’t yet gotten stale and over-recycled, and the heroes actually sounded a bit different when they spoke.  I especially liked Dark Symphony because, GASP, the hero had a sense of humor, and the heroine not only wasn’t a virgin, she was a medically frail widow!  (When I type that, it sounds awful, but it worked.  Somehow.  Maybe I’m insane.)

So, Feehan’s one that I have to consciously resist in the bookstore, because I *know* I’ve liked her in the past.  They say the burned hand teaches best, but I’ve been burned to a crisp by Feehan and I still find myself reaching for her new releases.

I’m in recovery, though.  I’ve resisted her last two books.  *whew*  You, too, can do it!  Join with me, sisters, and remember our motto:  “You know it’s not worth $6.99.  You know it’s not worth $6.99.  You know it’s not worth…”

So many bad books, so little time. I’ll mention a few that have stuck in my mind over years and years. In a kind of back-handed compliment, their names and titles have probably remained with me because they were some of the earliest that shook me up enough to ask questions about what I was reading. Also, since I’m no longer dependent on whatever gets donated to Oxfam for my fix of romance, I’m a lot better at avoiding torturously awful crap.

It’s been mentioned before, but I second Johanna Lindsey’s A Pirate’s Love. Disgusting blatant rape. Hero’s an arse of the first degree. And the heroine is the most head-tossingly, foot-stompingly irritating wench to ever sail the seven seas. Read my lips, Lindsey. This.Is.Not.Romance.

Linda Howard, An Independent Wife. Can only think that the title uses the word “independent” as a little-known synonym for mud-and-effluvia-stained doormat. The sexual politics and attitudes in this book had me spewing so much vitriol it stripped the walls of paint.

Catherine Coulter, Devil’s Embrace Hero falls in love with heroine ‘cos she looks like her dead mother whom he loved. He’s twice her age. He whips her. He rapes her. It’s utterly and completely vile.

Incidentally, all three of the above were written in the bad old days and so many would excuse them on the grounds they reflected the attitudes of the early 80s. Which might be true, but in that case, why the hell they all been re-printed without significant revision in the last 7 years?

Maybe I’m just drawn to bad books, but I have so many to choose from!

The first one that comes to mind is Johanna Lindsey’s “The Pursuit.” The main idea of the story is that when the “hero” was a 10-year old child, he was befriended by a boy with 15 brothers. The “hero” and this boy got into a fight and the other brothers more or less ganged up on our him. The brothers swore that he had “gone crazy” and therefore when he is older and has fallen in love with the “heroine,” who was the brothers niece, they are determined to kept the two apart for fear that he will “go crazy” again and hurt her.

How stupid of a premise can you get? Because of his actions as a 10-year old child the 16 brothers have decided the two lovers can not be together. That was 19 years ago the fight happened. I’m sorry but people can grow up and learn to control their anger, as the “hero” had done. The characters continued to dwell upon what he had done as a child, giving no thought to the fact that in the following 19 years he had never “gone crazy” again.

I rolled my eyes so much during the story, it’s amazing I didn’t strain something.

Also agree with the LKH - the early Anita Blake was good, but I didn’t even bother with “Incubus Dreams” or “Stroke of midnight.”

Katie MacAlister is also a hit or miss with me. Love her paranormals and some of her contemporaries and historicals, but usually find more I don’t like than those I do. I continue buying however, in the off chance it’s one of her good ones.

Recently Jude Deveraux has been pretty bad. I didn’t even bother with the last one, because everything from about the past seven years or so has been horrible. Don’t know what happened to her, because she used to be one of my favorites.

OOOOOH the Feehan.  It’s so true she was at least somewhat entertaining in the beginning although all of her men were so obnoxiously alpha that I wanted to throttle them. However it went downhill so fast after that.  I picked up the latest “mind” series book at the library because at least it was free and hey at least this one isn’t about vampires right?  Oh so wrong, exchange special ops green beret types with “phenomenal psychic powers” for the vampires and its the same stuff all over again.  I didn’t throw the book against the wall but I only got a hundred pages in and its going back to the library now…prehaps with a large warning label attached.

>>Recently Jude Deveraux has been pretty bad. . . Don’t know what happened to her, because she used to be one of my favorites. <<

Ohmigosh, you’ve got that right! That Forever and Always series. WTF! I read Forever, and it was fine. Very, very odd but, you know, chica’s stretching her wings or something. I can deal with it.

Then the SECOND ONE!!! The hero from the first book has been kidnapped, been gone for a while, may be dead, so the heroine leaves their child with her family to go look into some mystery. Part of the mystery being what’s in her male partner’s pants, I guess, since she spends much of the book thinking about hooking up with him. Um. . . OH MY GOD, what about the hero we fell in love with a few months before? You know. . . your missing, beloved husband?

My mom sent me the third book and I threw it in the trash. You don’t write a hero we can fall in love with, then just toss him aside like a dirty diaper later. I was traumatized.

Funnily enough the book I threw across the room was indeed
‘A Pirates Love By Johanna Lindsey’...
And I obviously didn’t get past page 20 because I can’t remember any rape. Either that, or I’ve repressed the memory and it will come back and haunt me in years to come.

(I buy all my books through work, and when I couldn’t remember the name of this book I went and searched the Database.)

Have to say Incubus Dreams as the worst for its lack of mystery plot despite being marketed as a mystery, its lack of editing (people “loosing” their clothes on more than one occassion, convenient messages from “Diety”, etc) and possibly the worst sex scenes I’ve ever read. The author must have cut and pasted from a how-to book.

As for the worst romance, either a Sandra Brown where the sex scenes are borderline rape, the characters fight all the way through, and somehow magically at the end are in luuuuuve or the Shannon McKenna where the guy is spying on the gorgeous Barbie heroine, takes her virginity, treats her like crap, then gets all angsty and possessive, and she’s a passive little flower pretty much the whole time.  I can’t remember the title, unfortunately.

I’m not a big fan of euphemism-abuse, but as Victoria mentioned, using “penis” everywhere doesn’t exactly solve the problem, either.

Ha. Yeah, when I’m writing historicals, I really struggle with the euphemisms. I don’t want to write purpley, but. . . I’m pretty sure I’ve never uttered the word penis in bed. Just like I’ve never said, “Put it in my vaginaaaaah!”

Oh, God, that makes me laugh. Actually, maybe I’ll try that tonight. Just a little experiment. I can’t even imagine my dh’s response. “Your, uh. . . excuse me? Are you okay? Why are you moaning the word ‘penis’?”
:gulp:

(Jennifer, tell me to get to work and stop screwing around on SBTB!)

Get to work and stop screwing around on SBTB.

So now I have to ask - has anyone ever compiled a list of all the euphemisms for penis? I once tried, but lost my list…

I’m pretty sure I’ve never uttered the word penis in bed. Just like I’ve never said, “Put it in my vaginaaaaah!”

PMSL!  Oh, the mental image!  Reminds me of a porn I saw once where the slut’ho walks in, shakes the manslut’s hand, and then starts writhing around moaning about her pussy, her cunt, his cock cock cock PENIS!  I just about pissed myself laughing.  Not what I consider a sexy scene!

And there’s a reason why writhing in passion is purple prose—after seeing slut’ho wiggling and squirming and rubbing against the walls (if there’d been a doorknob around, she’d have either fellated it or fucked it, I’m positive), I can’t help but picture the heroine humping the walls when I read, “She writhed in passion.”  Ew.  Passion, good.  Wall-humping, bad!

I have a book called “Sexual Slang” (Alan Richter, Ph.D.) and you would not believe the number of slang words for penis. There are a handful for vagina, most having to do with cats or clams (I know.), and only two or three for clitoris (Of course.).

I tried a Sandra Brown that started with a homosexual prison rape on page 2. (this was the obligitory The Villain Is Bad Scene.) Talk about turning your reader OFF. I threw that one in the garbage.

Lots of people loved it, but the worst I’ve read recently was Dark Desires by Eve Silver. Heroine gets into a carriage with a strange man, realizes there is a dead body sitting there - but somehow she “instinctively trusts him”. Also the only booked where I’ve ever seen “symbolic” used in a sentence: “The rain was symbolic of her sad mood.” Dude, you’re supposed to use symbolism, not tell us about it.

I can’t recall the title but it was an old Sandra Brown book. The hero screamed out “Sweet, sweet love” during his orgasm. Puhleaze!!!!

I actually really liked Fantasy Lover because I thought it was so unusual. And I like Karen Marie Moning’s Highlander series, especially the Immortal Highlander. But the modern day heroines all being 25+years old and virgins? GET REAL!

Wait! I forgot about Tidings of Great Joy, also a Sandra Brown book. The secret baby plot turns into a stillbirth tragedy (which I suppose could be done well, with the right author). But at the end of the book, the hero decorates their house for Christmas in the middle of June, complete with a creche. And laying in the manger is a little baby for them to adopt (which he presumably bought on the internet as it’s never explained how he got this child and how is wife knew nothing of their attempts to adopt.) Wins worst book EVAH hands down!!!

But the modern day heroines all being 25+years old and virgins? GET REAL

::ducks:: I can buy the 25 year old virgin in this day and age. I know more than one (and no, they’re not prudish, just picky). And…er… I would’ve been one if I hadn’t met my husband at 23. I just never found a guy worth the time or effort.

:P I can’t believe no one mentioned the Remarkable Miss Frankenstein by Minda Webber.  I got to about page 50 when I got to about a page and a half of nothing but recycled Beatle lyrics when I screamed and tossed the book across the room.

I do believe that has to be the worst book let along the worst Romance book ever written.

Abby said: I tried a Sandra Brown that started with a homosexual prison rape on page 2.

The first book in Anne Bishop’s Black Jewels Trilogy starts out with a man having his genitals chewed off by rats.

I can buy the 25 year old virgin in this day and age. I know more than one (and no, they’re not prudish, just picky).

Yep, second that.  It’s just all those pregnant thirteen year olds that are screwing with the average.

Also second Whitney, My Love.  Wanted to shoot the arrogant SOB So.  Many.  Times.  And the wimpy Whitney, too.  And Rose Red Bride.  Horribly old-fashioned, not to mention lack of historical accuracy (a brand new square keep in the fifteenth century?  Yes, because you WANT to be invaded).

Oh yes, and my own personal list:

Tess of the d’Urbervilles.  Grow a fucking spine, girl.  Put me off litrachur ever since school.

Jean Auel’s last couple of Earth’s Children books, especially Shelters of Stone.  Can I have a plot, please?  Please?

A M&B Modern/Presents where I wanted to actually step into the book and practice Death by 1000 Cuts on both characters.  Can’t remember who it was by, but when I found the cat had peed on it I was actually glad.

Fiona Walker’s Tongue in cheek.  At least, I presume the last three quarters were as boring and confusing as the start.  Put her in the Wish She Was Still Good pile.

(Now going off to hide, in case anyone mentions my books.  Damn, why aren’t I posting anonymously?)

Lisa said: Don’t forget the scene where the queen has her clit bitten off.

Heh. For all that they’re supposed to be “sexy” books, there’s an awful lot of torture and genital mutilation (or outright removal) in them. I can think of maybe one positively portrayed sex scene in the whole trilogy. Am I forgetting something?

What strikes me about the over-20 virgins I know (and yes, I used a plural there) is that many of them really don’t have a better reason than, “I just never found anyone I wanted to screw.”  I have one very good friend who is very cute, hella funny, has an awesome body, and is still a virgin well into her twenties.  It’s a damn shame, but it really is hard to meet people!

Still, if I’m reading a twentysomething virgin story, don’t give me the line about how she’s never touched herself, etc.  Unless this is a historical, you can bet your ass virgin-chick has a few vibrators, has located her clit, and knows what the handheld showerhead is for.  Trust me.

Catherine Coulter, Devil’s Embrace Hero falls in love with heroine ‘cos she looks like her dead mother whom he loved. He’s twice her age. He whips her. He rapes her. It’s utterly and completely vile.

This is one of my all-time favorite romances ever, if not THE favorite.  *crawls under rock*

I did, however first fall under this book’s thrall as an innocent teen many years ago, so maybe that excuses it?

Okay, so probably not, but there it is. *g*

Aw Shannon, don’t worry. Coulter’s Devil’s Embrace is still a favorite despite the un-PCness and total “ew” of the hero. It’s one of the first romances I read as a teeny bopper and I still love it.

Granted, if I’d met a hero like that, I would have run for the hills screaming bloody murder/rape/stalker.

Let’s face it - sometimes we want a hero who is somewhat vile :) At least, I do sometimes and I’m not ashamed to admit it!

Baby Jesus is weeping right now.  Holy shit, batman.  I picked up one of the books on this list and hoodamn, it’s the funniest fucking thing I’ve ever read.  Only I think it’s supposed to be a tense dramatic type of thing.  Oh well.  I’m particularly enjoying the vast purple tableau so lovingly created for my reading pleasure.

Let’s hear it for dickhead brothers who sell their sister’s cherry to a stranger and then get all surprised and pissed off when said stranger says, “Dude, I already drank the milk, I don’t need the cow anymore!”  Two words for you, bro.

Well, DUH!

I also loathed Carly Phillips The Bachelor. Terrible drivel. I felt I could’ve written better and I have a complete lack of imagination and a poor grasp of English LOL.

Shannon & Lisa, don’t worry ‘bout it. Geez, I can’t get over my long-standing Diana Palmer habit and even enjoy the odd Cartland.

Again I blame the nefarious influence of my teenage tastes, but you’d think I would have grown out of them at my age. So no excuse here, either. Just goes to show that personal taste is a funny thing.

Didn’t much care for:

Tale of the Body Thief by Anne Rice
Yargo - Jackie Susann
Hannibal - Thomas Harris

and pretty much every VC Andrews title I tried to read.

Recently I read “Bad Heir Day” by Wendy Holden. It’s supposed to be a satiral romp, and I love satire, but I did not find it funny at all. It’s a British book, so maybe I’m missing the joke, being American, but 80% of what I read is British so I suspect that’s not it. The heroine was a doormat who does grow or develop throughout the story, and the plotline is erratic. What motivates the characters is a mystery, and yes, there is a marriage of convience, too. The herioine reaches HEA at the end kind of out of dumb luck: she doesn’t stand up for herself, but meets someone who will be nice to her.

I read Wuthering Heights so long ago, I can’t even remember how it went. But the experience must be stored somewhere unconsciously because I still cringe when it’s mentioned.

Thought of some non-romantic general fiction that I hated:

Joyce Carol Oates We Were the Mulvaney’s, John Irving’s Hotel New Hampshire (sistah and brotha luvin’...ewwww)

And while I know many loved it, what’s his name’s House of Sand and Fog

Although i tend to like Johanna Lindsey I could never read her first book. a captive bride or something i think it is called. I hated the main charcters. the man was a creep and the woman was an idiot.
I do remember I read a pirates love and gentle rogue. I liked the rogue one and i dont recall any rape scenes. Must of read it too long ago.

On reflection, I think that my comments about JL’s A Pirate’s Love could do with some explanation. For ages she was one of those writers whose output I really enjoyed. It’s been ages since I re-read, but I loved Man of My Dreams and the early Malory novels are great old skool romance.

The one I really had problems with was A Pirate’s Love. Maybe the publication date has something to do with it (1978), but both h/h described the forced sex as rape, so between this and the descriptions it was pretty unambiguous to me. Anyhow, I found the scenes very disturbing and consequently the HEA felt very wrong. Echoes of Rosemary Rogers, perhaps? In a way, this book and a couple of Coulters were what really got me wondering and worrying about the sexual politics in romance.

But I wanted to stress that this book isn’t the same as her later Malory “Pirate” novels (Gentle Rogue and so on). For one thing, they’re much more light-hearted.

I know i tolerated a lot more when i was too young to know any better. I sastarted reading novels when i was 13 and that was oh my 20 years a go. (i feel old)
I remember reading a book where the female heroine was gang raped repeatedly by pirates. i never got further then the first chapter. apartently the book was about her getting revenge and falling for hero. Just not my type of story.

I think most of JL rape was more like extreme pressure to submit which was okish then but now its not acceptable.

Over the years i have become more picky to what i like to read.

Ditto, Susan. It’s one of the reasons going back to old teenage favorites makes me nervous. My tastes are so very different these days.

And as you pointed out, a lot of these books were very much a product of their time. Things have changed a lot since then.

Counterfeit Lady, by Jude Devereux. Horrible story. Hated hated hated it.

Unfortunately I also just read Honey Moon. Also horrible. Not worth the $1 I paid for it at the Salvation Army thrift store.

Worst book ever written: The Burning, by Jeff Fain. It’s an attempt to praise Paganism that gets Paganism entirely wrong, as well as spelling, grammar, and hippies. But I’d have to give honorable mention to the Left Behind series, even though you can get amusement from the title (my spouse likes to call it the “From Behind” series).

Hmm. I would def. say one of Betrice Small’s O’Malley books.I got it for a dollar and thought the cover was so funny I had to have it. Turns out it is a freaky liky book about this virginal but apparently permanently horny gal. There are almost rapes, then later the girl is get this—kidnapped by pirates, chinese people, and middle easterners. She stays with the latter and they are horny bastards, which is offensive as I happen to be partially from that area. Also, the woman has amnesia. SO she falls in love with like five guys throught the book, some of whom are rapists. Then she has like waaaay bunches of oats kids with all of them. Wow. This is really long—It just must be something that truly bothered me.

I love this site.

Worst romances:
Anything by Julie Garwood. I always start her books, thinking they’re going to be great, and then am rudely surprised. Anyway, she wrote a book about this abandoned baby girl who gets “adopted” by a gang of street kids in 1880s NYC & they move out West. That one was ok. But then—there were the sequels! (And they made a Hallmark movie out of them, which I never saw and I never will because Hallmark movies are like Lifetime: they suck big hairy monkey balls.) Long story short, never trust anything you read on a book cover by that woman.

Other authors who have gotten progressively worse(now that they make lots of money and have loyal fans I guess they can afford to suck): Johanna Lindsay, Jude Devereaux, Catherine Coulter…

But I will always have a soft spot in my heart for “Pirate” by Fabio. I bought it when I was a tween…what can I say?