Bitchin' Blog Posts
Woodsy Fresh Scent
by SB Sarah | by SB Sarah | September 15, 2010 | Wednesday at 4:03 am | 95 CommentsToday on Twitter (that sounds like a really bad show on an entertainment network, doesn’t it?) I mentioned that I encounter a lot of heroes who smell “woodsy” but had no idea what that meant. Swampy? Like pine trees? Cedar? Hickory? Like firewood, pre- or post-campfire?
A few people suggested cedar, or, as Maisey Yates said, “like sticking your head in the Pacific Northwest.” Having never smelled the PNW, I’ll take your word for it that this is a good smell.
But this conversation got me thinking - why are there not more romance-novel tie-in products? I mean, think of the possibilities! In the Bosoms we published the following graphic advertising a product mockup which I still have not seen on the shelves of my nearest drugstore:
This is super-powered product right here- ever notice that heroes and heroines can roll over and make out first thing in the morning without a sign or indication that There Be Swamp Breath In the Morning? Listerine has nothing on romance novel mouthwash.
And so long as we’re smelling woody:
Would you hang that in your car? I would totally hang that in my car. Time for anther round of my favorite game, Where’s My Venture Capitalist™? I envision a whole line of these - in all your favorite hero-fresh scents, including “Woodsy,” “Spicy,” “Sweat, Leather, and Horses,” and my favorite, “Male.” He smelled like a Male. No one would dare steal your ride if it smelled like Male.
Any other scent ideas? ETA: Product ideas welcome too! I’m not picky. Let me have ‘em! Best romance-novel tie in product in the comments gets a $25 gift card to the bookstore of your choosing. Gift cards are guaranteed not to smell “woodsy.” You’ve got 24 hours - make your suggestions, in text or, if you’re feeling frisky, in graphic form.
Filed: General Bitching, Go Ahead, Win Some Shit
Tagged: wtfery, woodsy, twitter, romance, make the burning stop, heroines, heroes,
Elizabeth said on 09.15.10 at 04:24 AM • [link]
How about the most vague scent of all—could it be a mysterious something that’s uniquely Him? No, it’s That Mysterious Something That Is Uniquely Him (tm), coming soon to a perfume counter near you.
Also, do they make edible sunblock yet? Because I recently read a scene where a guy smeared sunblock all over his lady’‘s tits and then immediately began to suck on her nipples, and I just don’t think that would be advisable with regular sunblock.
JaneDrew said on 09.15.10 at 04:40 AM • [link]
Wow, this reminds me of the “Brut: It Smells Like a Man” aftershave commercials of holiday seasons of yore….
JaneDrew said on 09.15.10 at 04:47 AM • [link]
A sun-dappled meadow…. ... a dash of Volvo…. a hint of baseball glove leather, and a soupcon of the Pacific Northwest….
Introducing
Sparkle
... for the tawny-haired, butterscotch-eyed, marble-skinned vegetarian vampire stalker in your life!
Phyllis said on 09.15.10 at 04:55 AM • [link]
Special all-nighter Viagra. For when he just can’t get enough of you!
(captcha is body94 - must be for the wildest of erotica, 94 bodies, wow. Definitely need Viagra)
AmberG said on 09.15.10 at 04:57 AM • [link]
She walks, surrounded by an aura of delicious scents. Now you can too. Find your perfect scent in our new line, designed to make you smell tasty. Now in “Cinnamon”, “Fresh Bread” and “Lemon Soap.” Guaranteed to make him forget what he was talking about. Also check out our hottest product, “Hair.”
Elizabeth, haven’t you heard? Sunscreen can be anything. It removes stains, can substitute for butter in many recipes and if you leave it in your fridge, will leave everything smelling coconut fresh. And a small piece of cardboard soaked in sunscreen makes for long lasting taste satisfaction.
Keri Ford said on 09.15.10 at 05:07 AM • [link]
Vitamin supplements to make the magic lady bits taste of sweet honeyed nectar. Even if you’ve been riding a horse for the past 3 hours in ninety degree heat—your delicates will remain fresh.
Local sedatives for our petite ladies doing it with men in possession of large wangs. No longer fear the pain of cervix bumping and womb creations! This medicine will only numb your upper interior while you enjoy his ocean-rocking motion.
verification word: true75.
Sarah W said on 09.15.10 at 05:07 AM • [link]
Laundry detergent.
Mown Lawn.
Oil Filter.
Diaper Wipes.
Fresh Cut logs
Ty-D-Bol.
Chore Cologne, por homme . . . because a hard, working man is good to find.
jinap said on 09.15.10 at 05:16 AM • [link]
The scent: Whiskey.
Tagline: Instead of being an alcoholic, he can just smell like one.
Lori said on 09.15.10 at 05:16 AM • [link]
I actually think that there are already a couple of colognes that are basically woodsy romance hero smell. I have a crap memory so I can’t recall which ones, but I know I’ve smelled some that had the great outdoors thing goin’ on. The trick of course is to smell woodsy without smelling like Pine Sol. Easier said than done.
krsylu said on 09.15.10 at 05:49 AM • [link]
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
I’m wiping tears from my eyes and water off my computer screen. I can’t help but think, though… I have one of those men. Yea!!
Becca said on 09.15.10 at 05:53 AM • [link]
The Invisible condom! Protects against all STDs and STIs but not pregnancy*
Cause Syphilis just ain’t sexy!
*Author’s choice, depending on plot
krsylu said on 09.15.10 at 05:53 AM • [link]
“Griller—because no woman can resist the distinct aroma of a charcoal fire. That just-in-from-cooking-her-filet-mignon scent will drive her wild.”
Becca said on 09.15.10 at 05:54 AM • [link]
Oh, sorry guys. I totally missed the part where it had to be a scent, not just a product idea. Oops!
Kirstin said on 09.15.10 at 05:57 AM • [link]
How about a Pheromone cologne? It’ll be like axe body spray, except it without the nausea and strong desire to run out of the room.
Action54 - We can only hope.
Kirstin said on 09.15.10 at 06:00 AM • [link]
No “it”. My bad.
Betsy said on 09.15.10 at 06:11 AM • [link]
Magic Hoo-Ha personal lubricant: turn your poon into a Soul Mate-o-Matic!
(Hmm, Soul Mate-o-Matic might be a good product too, but it sounds like a vacuum…oh dear, not going there)
Oh! And invisible condoms! ...Damn, someone beat me to it.
Kirstin said on 09.15.10 at 06:11 AM • [link]
Sorry for posting so much, but this is delightful!
http://www.bellasugar.com/Weird-Perfumes-7526088
I want “In The Library”!
Betsy said on 09.15.10 at 06:13 AM • [link]
...er. Scents. Should have caught that. Running away now.
jinap said on 09.15.10 at 06:15 AM • [link]
And speaking of scents, just like people in romances never have morning breath, they don’t get constipation, diarrhoea indigestion, gas or bloating. Not even the pregnant women fart.
Scent: Sunshine in a meadow.
Tagline: Rather than reeking of straight-up bullshit, why not smell like sun-warmed cowpats nestled among flowers?
Teri C said on 09.15.10 at 06:35 AM • [link]
hahahha these are great ladies. I love the pics. I saw the post on facebook this morning and I was like, “hmm yes now what would that ‘scent’ look like” but ladies these ideas are all hilarious and great. leather and horses. hehehe
OK here are my tries:
1. Feral: for that wild man
2. the Lumberjack: hmmm hint of lanolin (form all that flannel), pine and motor oil scent.
Sarah W said on 09.15.10 at 06:39 AM • [link]
I always imagine woodsy=pine sol, which isn’t too sexy, but is 1st thing to mind. Beyond that, I think that the whole Old Spice commercial series is supposed to be the romance novel “I’m the man, your man could smell like.” I, however, could never find Old Spice sexy, it is what my Dad wears.
Sybylla said on 09.15.10 at 07:08 AM • [link]
“Phero-Moan…for men and women. The essence of sex, guaranteed to make the Hoo-Ha glittery and the Wang magical. Just one sniff will have you ready to go all night, without any fear of chafing or need for recovery time.”
Can I point out one of the phrases that irks me in post-coital scenes? “A pleasurable soreness between her thighs.” I’ve read that or some variant of it in any number of romances, and it bugs me. Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve always felt like rawness != a good time.
Sybylla said on 09.15.10 at 07:10 AM • [link]
That second paragraph was supposed to have faux-HTML coding to indicate its off-topicness. Whoops.
Maisey Yates said on 09.15.10 at 07:17 AM • [link]
A romance novel hero should smell like a mighty pine. After all, the theme could carry through the entire novel. Then you’d have your phallic symbol for the cover (the heroine could be heaving against the side of a very large tree). And a possible bedroom petname for him. Bonus references to his old growth forest…
The possibilities are endless.
SylviaSybil said on 09.15.10 at 08:12 AM • [link]
Testosterone: you think all those Alpha Male heroes reek like this naturally? No! They apply Testosterone cologne every morning, for that uber-masculine, fresh-from-the-cave scent.
Sensitivity: for all those beta males out there, now they can smell too! The main ingredients are book paper, garden dew, and kitten fur (from that volunteer work at the local animal shelter, of course).
Adventure: the scent of horse sweat and leather, for those heroines who want to smell like they galloped ten miles at the crack of dawn this morning, while lying comfortably abed till noon.
Allure: for those fallen women and prostitutes with hearts of gold. The mysterious scent that captivates the heart - and lower area - of any discerning customer. Apply directly for a refreshing effect. Puts the Magic in Magic Hoo-Ha.
Naivete: virginal heroines rejoice, now they can wear their hearts on their sleeves for the whole world to see. Idealism sold separately.
HeatherK said on 09.15.10 at 08:27 AM • [link]
I must be an oddball here, because I never got the Pine-Sol thing when I read a hero has a “woodsy” scent. Could also have to do with the fact I grew up surrounded by woods and to me, there is no better scent than that of the woods right after a good rain. It smells fresh and clean and, and…well, words escape me, to be honest about it. So that’s what I imagine when I read that in a book.
The ones that get me are where they smell like horses and cattle and the heroine thinks they smell good. Um, excuse me, has she ever really smelled a cow or a horse? Especially on a hot day? Not pretty, by any measure of the word. Add in what’s most likely caked on his boots, and well, yeah so not going near that one.
Anyhow, here’s mine:
Old Sex (comes in both spray & powder form) because we all know the scent of old sex generally gets them rip, roaring and ready to go for another round of hot monkey lovin’. WARNING: Use with caution, too much can lead to panting for breath, collapsing on (and possible squishing) of the woman in exhaustion, explosive orgasms, and gushing or flooding which could lead to dehydration. You have been warned.
AND
Alpha in a Bottle: Wimpy? The exact opposite of an Alpha Male? Tired of never getting the girl because you don’t have that extra special scent that seems to drive the women wild? Never fear, with Alpha in a Bottle you, too, can smell like the man of her dreams. Guaranteed to make her panties damp and her inner muscles quiver with just a whiff.
Vixenbib said on 09.15.10 at 09:12 AM • [link]
I sent this link to you as a separate email, Sarah, but I just thought I’d pop it in here as well, as you’ve asked so nicely…
http://smellofbooks.com/
Which one is your favourite? If you click on ‘Aromas’, you can access the full range!
Vixenbib said on 09.15.10 at 09:17 AM • [link]
Forgot to nominate my favourite.
Personally, I think Classic Musty is unbeatable for that hint of pheromone.
science37 Yes, indeedy. The science proves it.
Kaetrin said on 09.15.10 at 09:57 AM • [link]
For the Uber Alpha - “Brute 69” - well what do you think it smells like??
Alexis Harrington said on 09.15.10 at 10:57 AM • [link]
It would depend on where in the story we are (and I’m not clever enough to be as funny as everyone else here), but aside from soap, leather, horses, and hay, I’ve used “He smelled of sleep and the embrace of the sea.” Like I said, you had to be there. I was . . .
Susannah said on 09.15.10 at 11:23 AM • [link]
I’ve always longed for a cologne that smelled like woodsmoke and bacon frying. I’d call it “Swine”. (Pour Homme.)
Ben P said on 09.15.10 at 11:38 AM • [link]
Sandal Wood
Because nothing says “MAN” more than the manly scent sensation of leather footwear and hard working wang.
Got wood?
(PS: WTF is sandalwood anyway? I’ve snuffled plenty of men and never encountered the elusive yet omnipresent scent of sandalwood.)
Jessica Andersen said on 09.15.10 at 01:20 PM • [link]
New for the Cop Hero in all of us: Gun Oil Body Wash
Because if she can tell the difference between ‘I just cleaned my weapon for you, baby,’ and ‘eau de WD40’’ she’s the one for you!
Hannah said on 09.15.10 at 02:00 PM • [link]
@Kirsten In the Library is a fab scent.
Claire, the heroine of the Outlander books is always describing something like “the tang of unwashed male.” eww—I think.
Keri Ford said on 09.15.10 at 02:14 PM • [link]
eep! missed the scent thing too. *should not read blogs at night when sleepy*
Elizabeth Kolodziej said on 09.15.10 at 03:11 PM • [link]
I love how musky is always used! why does ever man smell musky?
SB Sarah said on 09.15.10 at 03:13 PM • [link]
Do not worry if it’s a scent or a product idea. I’m not picky!
Jane Lovering said on 09.15.10 at 03:13 PM • [link]
“Doggone - for the wolf in your man!” With the scents of wet dog fur, damp cushion, a hint of canned meat and just the tiniest whiff of ...errr…rear end.
Because that’s what werewolves really smell like, we all know it.
Cathy said on 09.15.10 at 03:14 PM • [link]
Highly Sexed Man: for days when you need a whiff of sand, horses, and the ocassional lizard to remind you of your desert sheikh.
Lauren Baratz-Logsted said on 09.15.10 at 03:14 PM • [link]
“The Authentic Bodice-Ripper: Our new machine rips your bodice easily, so he doesn’t have tooooooooooooooooooo!”
daisy said on 09.15.10 at 03:14 PM • [link]
I think someone should make candles which catch the scent of your man for you and you can light it when you are lonely for him and alone. What do you think?
Laurel said on 09.15.10 at 03:15 PM • [link]
Eau de Eurotrash- for when you want your special hero to smell like he hasn’t had a shower for two adventure filled days and no clean shorts for even longer!
PattiR said on 09.15.10 at 03:19 PM • [link]
How about for the JR Ward fans…CAFHE VHENTI- FOR THAT ‘OH SO SPICY ALPHA -URBAN VAMPIRE’...or RED SMOKES - FOR THAT ‘JUST STEPPED INTO A STARBUCKS’ SMELL.
SPAM word..growth65…um…ew.
Nadia said on 09.15.10 at 03:31 PM • [link]
The company had to pull Old Skool for Her from the shelves due to unfortunate side effects. While the scent did drive men into uncontrollable fits of lust as intended, no one predicted that the men would be strangely compelled to yell “Whore!’ at their partners after sexual encounters.
They are hoping for better luck with their hair product line. Mullet Sheen hits stores in time for Christmas.
Sharon S. said on 09.15.10 at 03:34 PM • [link]
Angst- for the vampire that loves to wallow in self-pity.
and….
Introducing the BURSTING BOSOM BRA! For those nights when you or him can’t wait. Push the button and watch as your bosoms explode out of the bra simultaneously popping buttons from your shirt (warning: projectile buttons can cause blindness).
Jeannie said on 09.15.10 at 03:35 PM • [link]
Why not “Chocolate Cupcake”?
‘Cause that would get me going faster than the smell of horses and hay or a forest full of male. Ooh, and it could be flavored like that shit Jessica Simpson put out.
“Just a spritz or two will have your woman foaming at the mouth for a taste, and it’s totally fat and sugar-free!”
It could even come with little packets of sprinkles that stick to skin. Imagine the possibilities. *sigh*
Product warning: Manufacturer cannot be held liable if user’s body parts are bitten, chewed or gnawed upon. Use sparingly and with caution.
sweetsiouxsie said on 09.15.10 at 03:35 PM • [link]
I have nothing to add since I am laughing too hard! ;-D
husband42…..I wish he was still that tender age!
daisy said on 09.15.10 at 03:47 PM • [link]
I thought of something else. Grandma used to buy us boxed embroidered handkerchiefs for Christmas. Why not romance boxed handkerchief you could use for special occasions. Wear red lipstick, kiss him and blot his lips and keep as a keepsake. Your lovely memories.
Anna Richland said on 09.15.10 at 03:54 PM • [link]
Two products on offer at the Richland home:
Per-Kay for her. Are you a blue-stocking of a certain age? You’ve read about Sir Isaac’s theory, and now is it working on you? Those Empire-waist gowns getting uncomfortably close to your girlfriends these days? Try Per-Kay, the scented lifting lotion all the debutantes use. Yes dear, you can look, smell, and bounce like you’re seventeen again.
The Super-Bladder 3000 . Because there’s something besides bad breath that compels you to roll away from your man in the morning. But now with the insertable Super-Bladder 3000, you’ll be able to go days on the run with your Alpha with no need to do the necessary. Puncture-proof guarantee available at extra charge.
PattiR said on 09.15.10 at 04:01 PM • [link]
One more and then I really have to get back to work…
Introducing the H.E.A Pill.
This product can only be taken once and only when you are feeling your life can’t get any worse. Please use with caution.
Uses: Permanently relieves feelings of loneliness and self doubt or confidence, also rescues you from kidnappings from people not meant to be your one ‘True Love’.
Directions: Take one pill and wait one hour then go out and do something that is totally dangerous, something you have never done before but believe you can handle it.
When using this product: You will meet that perfect person and feel instant attraction. You may want to ask someone that you think has your best interests at heart about this person, but this person will not be capable of giving you good advice. You will start to feel confusion and misunderstanding and will accuse this perfect person of not caring and/or accuse perfect person they are not right for you and that the relationship will never work. When these feelings are cleared up, you will experience Hot Monkey Sex, Love and Commitment (not necessarily in that order).
Other side effects may include: Epilogue style story tie-ups, a feeling of Happiness that has never been known, Marriage, more Hot Monkey Sex, finding out you are Rich and having lots of Babies.
Lara Amber said on 09.15.10 at 04:02 PM • [link]
“Home from the Hunt”, you may not have ever left the big city, but even you can smell like you’ve just come home from the kill. An alluring mixture of four days of sweat, burnt gunpowder, animal blood, and that undertone of “we didn’t have toilets or paper, just chuck these boxers in the trash honey, don’t look!” that drives all women wild.
*Why yes, my husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just tackle him at the door with kisses and refuse to touch him until he’s scoured himself in the shower. Apparently if I really missed him, I’d tackle him right there in the front hall, regardless of stench or lack of brushed teeth.
IcePrincess said on 09.15.10 at 04:04 PM • [link]
Forever Smooth - Regency Hair Removal
No need for waxing, laser, shaving or plucking. Simply rub this invisible cream on underarms, legs ANYWHERE and no hair will ever grow there. Perfect for unexpected ducal visits. Available in scented or unscented. Results may vary.
Kristi said on 09.15.10 at 04:10 PM • [link]
We need a line of tear-away lingerie. Yes, rippable bodices. And thongs, for the modern consumer.
Have you ever tried ripping fabric? Unless you start with a well-placed cut right along the grain line, it doesn’t work. I honestly don’t know how all those Old Skool romance heroes worked their ripping magic without sharp scissors. Even if you found a seam to rip, there’s usually a hem or trim along one edge or another that will slow the whole tear-away process.
Then again, the Chippendales may have beat me to this concept. I distinctly remember at their show in Vegas how you could spot an undershirt that was prepped to be removed by the slight rip at the neckline when the guys would come on stage.
Ashley said on 09.15.10 at 04:13 PM • [link]
Oh, ladies. My brain is on strike this morning, so I googled to find out the name of those little fireworks you threw on the ground in junior high? That went bang and made everyone jump? So I could make some clever reference to the exploding phenomenon, you see.
Mmmm kay, found this :
Blowgun Exploding Cap Darts
My womb hurts.
( http://www.stun-ningsales.com/SportStore/blowguns/darts.htm)
Lara Amber said on 09.15.10 at 04:47 PM • [link]
The Spanky: a classic 12 inch wooden rule made of thick, firm hardwood. Measure him then spank him. That boy needs to learn!
*Manufacturer not responsible if you forget to lock the classroom door before playing. Don’t be an idiot on school property.
Joy said on 09.15.10 at 05:01 PM • [link]
Bounce For Men - the new scent for men that smells like fabric softener. Because what can be sexier than a man who actually does laundry? Amirite, ladies?
That said, it always kind of weirds me out when a (usually historical) romance hero smells like whiskey and tobacco. Because nothing smells sexy like a combo of 2 am bar breath and an ashtray.
captcha - possible46. It’s possible my husband did 46 loads of laundry this year, but I doubt it.
Chas said on 09.15.10 at 05:10 PM • [link]
Woof - For those werewolves out there would adore being in the rain. Composed of top notes of rain, woods, and lavender. Bottom notes include fur and wet dog. Apply and cozy up to your lady wolf. She’ll be all over you after one sniff of the backside!
Chipped tooth- For male vampies who know that biting during the sex is hot! Composed of top notes of sweat and linen. Bottom notes include copper and bone. Male vamps are sure to please their lady loves with a smidge of this! Apply and watch as your lady quivers with excitement after just one subtle sniff. This fragrance is desgined to heighten awareness and promote free letting of blood during all those sexy times! Side effects include being swept away, loosing control, and chipped teeth.
Meow - designed for all those were-cats out there. Composed of top notes of catnip, butterfly wings. Contains bottom notes of mice and woods. Apply liberally. Will remind you of your time spent frolicking in the woods chasing critters (ie Mice, since you’re such a tender hearted man!) After one whiff of this your lover will drop her panties faster than you can say “here kitty.”
S Kayne said on 09.15.10 at 05:17 PM • [link]
Skin-So-Smooth Lotion
To make your skin silky soft. It also smooths wrinkles, removes unsightly blemishes and scars, removes cellulite, removes body hair, tightens skin instantly making your skin and body that of a 20 year old.
Unscented or Bacon scented.
Warnings: may cause uncontrollable monkey sex against the nearest wall when your man gets a whiff of you.
:-)
morwen said on 09.15.10 at 05:25 PM • [link]
How about: InstaCare for when your brute is being especially brutish. Just one spray and your brutes softer side will surface reminding you why you put up with all his crap.
*warning does not work unless you have just been placed in a life threatening situation.
or
DeFang! Take the bite out of the vampire in your life with DeFang. The only product guaranteed to turn a vampire from a deadly predator of the night to a sensitive soul who sparkles. Now with optional angst.
Lara Amber said on 09.15.10 at 05:25 PM • [link]
Because you rarely have an old west romance novel with this blurb on the back:
She was a barmaid tired of cowboys and prospectors who smelled of whiskey and tobacco. He was a French pastry chef who decided to go west. Would love blossom among the chocolate eclairs?
AndieG said on 09.15.10 at 05:27 PM • [link]
Ladies - Are you embarrassed that your unmentionables aren’t wringing wet when your man enters the room? Do you wonder why your magical Hoo-Hoo isn’t working the way it should?
No need to worry! Just pick up the newest product from E-Jacques-Ulahtay - Vulva-leen
With Vulva-leen, you will produce copious amounts of feminine moisture whenever your Alpha male appears, gaurenteeing easy access for his Mighty Wang…and Vulva-leen will last and last through hours (or days!) of non-stop sexxing.
Vulva-leen. Try it today!
AndieG said on 09.15.10 at 05:28 PM • [link]
oops….sorry about the non-stop bolding there. it was just supposed to be the product name.
Denise said on 09.15.10 at 05:35 PM • [link]
Don’t have any perfume names…I DO live in the PNW and it smells pretty good here.
My magic product is ClothesOff! Clothes come off smoothly with little or no struggling. Awkward moments of bouncing on one foot to take off a sock are now no more. I would love this product!
Literary Slut Kilian said on 09.15.10 at 05:50 PM • [link]
Perfume of the Desert - that wonderful fresh smell of monsoon rain on dusty sage and cactus - because we all love us a prick-ly man.
range22 - nothing like a 22-year-old ready to ride the range
AndieG said on 09.15.10 at 05:57 PM • [link]
This whole contest is hilarious. I’ve been giggling all morning.
Want to bring out the Cowboy in you man? Try one of our two new scents; Spur (ripe with hints of oiled gunmetal and sunwarmed Stallion)
or
Hayloft (reminicent of your last good roll in the hay).
AndieG said on 09.15.10 at 05:59 PM • [link]
Literary Slut Kilian said on 09.15.10 at 05:59 PM • [link]
vixenbib wrote:
OMG, I am having a total flashback to when I was a college student working in the acquisitions dept of the college library. I would open the boxes of new books, and the wonderful smell of the aromatic esters used in the glue and bindings would waft up. If I ever found a man who smelled as good, I would marry him up, I betcha!
DreadPirateRachel said on 09.15.10 at 06:23 PM • [link]
What about the Manly Mouthguard, guaranteed to give your jaw-clenching hero relief (at least while he’s asleep) and to help prevent TMJ!
Off topic: Sarah, you’ve never been to the PNW??? How is this possible? We rock the woody scent and the general awesomeness that is the outdoorsy hero.
Jason said on 09.15.10 at 06:29 PM • [link]
The scent should be named ‘Grrrr’ :) Use it on coats and t-shirts that you lend out to lovers so that, even after months, your scent still lingers on the fabric. :)
~smooches~
Jase
M Lopez said on 09.15.10 at 06:50 PM • [link]
I read historical romances, mostly of the Medieval sort. And it always bugs the crap out of me that none of these women ever seem to sweat, perspire, or even feel somewhat warmish in all those Medieval clothes in the summer. Here in New York in the 21st century I can barely survive July-August in my Mom Shorts and t-shirt; I can’t possibly imagine wearing corsets and velvet gowns and such. So my romance-novel tie-in product is:
The Corset Cooler
Made with new StayCool Gel inserts, The Corset Cooler will keep your internal body temperature at a pleasurable 98.6 degrees at all times, even if the trees around you are bursting into flames or the castle you’re in is melting from the summer heat. Designed to last until he rips it off your heaving bosom.
Lara Amber said on 09.15.10 at 06:54 PM • [link]
I hope the makers of the Corset Cooler soon have a spin off product for nursing bras! Because I’m dying!
M Lopez said on 09.15.10 at 06:59 PM • [link]
Oooh, good idea, Lara Amber!
How about:
Milky Mama
Because somehow your boobs need to magically know when to lactate - as when you’ve just had a baby - and when not to, as when he needs to ravish you shortly after having said baby. Which doesn’t hurt or feel uncomfortable at all.
Kathleen said on 09.15.10 at 07:06 PM • [link]
WD-40
Just like Duct Tape. Fixes everything.
But seriously. I agree, a car freshener with scent of “Male” would be guaranteed to be off-putting to thieves so long as said thieves are male. Why? Because not too long ago, Lovey and I were talking scents and men. His remark? “Guys smell!”
Well. Yes. They do. But some of them smell yummy which is a good thing or nurse-types like me with sensitive sniffers would never bed them at all. For the record, I have rebuffed a suitor or three because his natural scent was just a little too wafty for my taste.
Sorcha Mowbray said on 09.15.10 at 07:49 PM • [link]
The Book Boyfriend Date Night Kit
This three piece kit includes:
1 - 3oz atomizer of your book boyfriend’s signature scent
1 - XL/XXL/XXXL T-shirt with an appropriate quote from your book boyfriend (i.e., BDB Vishous “True?”)
1 - anatomically correct dildo designed to perfectly match your book boyfriend’s finer attribute
Current selection includes:
The BDB
The Order
Special Orders available upon request
Coming soon…the men of Maya Banks, Larrissa Ilone, & Lauren Dane
Sorry, opened packages cannot be returned for any reason.
LauraGr said on 09.15.10 at 08:05 PM • [link]
I was laughing before I ever got to the comments. I am such a child. I read:
And so long as we’re smelling woody:
...and giggled like a 13 year old boy telling fart jokes.
So tell me, how does your woody smell?
Laura Xixi and Julie H said on 09.15.10 at 08:07 PM • [link]
Splinters, pebbles, sand, rugburns, freak hailstorms…ever wondered how romance novel heroines avoid these perils? Sure, making love up against a tree on a rocky beach in the middle of a hailstorm sounds romantic…but how can you ensure that your skin will remain unblemished and pure as the driven snow?
Presenting…
Wanton Strumpet: Body Mist for Women
“When the only wood you want inside you… is his”
Protects against all harm derived from sex on impractical surfaces. Also repels love marks any higher than the neckline of the heroine’s gowns.
LisaLee said on 09.15.10 at 08:50 PM • [link]
I think the guys at BlueQ could be convinced to come up with something for you!!! Hahaha!
http://www.blueq.com/shop/114-catId.117440521_114-productId.0.html
Sharon S. said on 09.15.10 at 09:31 PM • [link]
someone come up with something for that Highlander male…
rebyj said on 09.15.10 at 09:37 PM • [link]
I always giggle at “he could smell her female scent” It always makes me think the gal needs a bath lol
Plagiarizing Secret: Strong enough for a man!
Lindsay said on 09.15.10 at 10:17 PM • [link]
Sunshine Cosmetics - for the heroine who needs to reach out to a dark tortured soul. Comes in perfume, body wash, hand cream, , and even lip balm. Smell like sunshine! (Disclaimer: we don’t know what sunshine really smells like, but at least the products are a lovely sunny yellow).
And now presenting NEW! Sunshine pastilles - why just small like sunshine when you can taste like it too? Use in moderation. Manufacturer is not responsible for UV damage to the mouth.
Lindsay said on 09.15.10 at 10:20 PM • [link]
Er.. that should be “smell like sunshine” not “small”.
never86: even if I try 86 times, I may never get the captcha to allow me to submit my comment.
Karen said on 09.15.10 at 10:38 PM • [link]
“Ocean Mist” .... for when you have the irresistible urge to smell like the ocean. In three scents: dead fish, rotting seaweed and tar.
And to get you in the mood: “Sounds of the Sea”. Tracks include pounding surf, crazy riptide, and slap on the dock.
“doing56”.... definitely need to break out that Vulva-leen!
Maggie P. said on 09.15.10 at 11:06 PM • [link]
This reminded me of my horny Sailor air freshener, sadly it smelled like funeral flowers but I liked the name enough to keep it in my car for 2 years. When my grandma saw it she smiled and told me my grandpa was in the Navy, I think that was when I took it down.
Mama Nice said on 09.15.10 at 11:13 PM • [link]
1st commenter Elizabeth nailed it with the “could it be a mysterious something that’s uniquely Him? No, it’s That Mysterious Something That Is Uniquely Him (tm), coming soon to a perfume counter near you.”
Cuz really, I’ve read that particular turn of phrase in many a novel, and I tell, ya - sometimes my imagination goes a little wacky with what that unique thing might be…
Side note - there is a girl who creates hand made soaps based on the heroes of Karen Marie Moning’s novels. She chooses scents based on descriptions in the books - and yes, sandalwood was def. included for one or more of the heroes. When she first started making them she gave out several free samples - they actually weren’t bad! (I stuck one in hubby’s soap dish in the shower…he smelled pretty darn good!)
Andrea L said on 09.15.10 at 11:27 PM • [link]
The Amazing Disappearing Romancelandia Condom!
It just magically whisks away after use. No more running to the bathroom, having it land in your shoe, or the horrible…uh..um so where did it go?....EW!
Nope with the Romancelandia condom, you just roll it on the velvety iron rod and then afterwards…poof!
Lucy Woodhull said on 09.15.10 at 11:28 PM • [link]
Having trouble making that little one? Try ROMANCE NOVEL KNOCK-UP! With ROMANCE NOVEL KNOCK-UP you will get pregnant the very first month you begin trying, probably the very first time, or your rich Duke’s money back.
Using ROMANCE NOVEL KNOCK-UP, You’re Always Ovulating ™. It works with your lady-body’s natural, irresistible Magic Hoo-Hoo, and you’re partner’s Wang O’ Mighty Lovin’ to guarantee an Insta-Baby, complete with Dazzling Emerald Eyes ™ and Gossamer Raven Locks ™!
Do it in an abandoned mill! On the beach! On a rock! In your moody hero’s secret half-brother’s secret brothel! It doesn’t matter! No more temperature charting. No more sticking your legs up in the air after you do it! With ROMANCE NOVEL KNOCK-UP, you’ll have an Epilogue with a baby bump and a castle in thirty pages or less.
cories said on 09.16.10 at 12:13 AM • [link]
Sandalwood smells like Indian incense and gives me a headache. I think I’d prefer cedar so that the man will repel moths or mesquite for that everlasting barbecue scent - always be hungry for more.
John said on 09.16.10 at 12:24 AM • [link]
THERE COMES A TIME IN EVERY WOMAN’S LIFE…WHERE THE NOVEL IS JUST TOO MUCH.
*cuts to image of old woman reading a bodice ripper*
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE MORE EXPERIENCED, YOU KNOW WHAT COMES NEXT.
*zooms in on one word: WEEPING*
YOU MAY FIND THAT YOU HAVE CONNECTED WITH THE HEROINE A BIT TOO MUCH. SO WHAT DO YOU USE?
*throws in sparkly, dangly bits of confetti shaped like Mighty Wangs and Hoo-Haas in the air*
THE NOVEL-TY SPONGE. IT TAKES AWAY ALL OF THAT 80’S STYLE WEEPING. BUY IT AT ANY LOCAL STORE.
*Warning: This product may cause you to forever lose the Mighty Wang that goes to your Magical Hoo-Haa. We are not responsible for this. Without weeping, there is no smecks magic. That’s how the romance novel universe works. As a reader, you must understand this. Now buy this sponge. You are so leaking right now*
idea79 - It’s fate! Or just boredom and a really, really messed up thought process. :)
cories said on 09.16.10 at 12:25 AM • [link]
Cinnamon is made from bark. I wouldn’t mind a man smelling of cinnamon (although it’s kind of Christmasy).
Other woody scents: manzanita, redwood (although it may be more “mold” than “redwood”), California Bay (definitely not for cooking), and cypress.
ShortLibrarian said on 09.16.10 at 12:35 AM • [link]
This reminds me of an embarrassing incident I had last year. I bought this fantastic new candle that smelled amazing. It was like a mix of Old Spice and cedars. It seemed like the very definition of “manly” smell. So I brought it back to work (bought on my lunch hour) and shared it with my coworkers—all women. I kept saying it was my “man candle.” Hmm. I stopped saying that about half an hour later when I realized the metaphor it was. So, in memory of my faux pas, I made up an ad that could have sold that candle to me. ;)
Captcha: felt57—unfortunately, my day did not involve feeling up anyone, much less 57 someones
sugarless said on 09.16.10 at 01:04 AM • [link]
Sparkly lube! Wanna mark your man? Turn his dirk of manly passion into your very own sparkly baton. 80% effective as a cheating deterrent! Order now and get Vagisil soothing cream for those irksome (yet entirely unrelated, we promise) UTI’s
Carrie said on 09.16.10 at 01:04 AM • [link]
Is cold water causing the blues..or blue balls? Does an undersized hot water tank take the Heat out of your Hunka-Hunka-Burnin’ Love?
NOW available!
Hours of Shower Power! for the HERO in your life!
Don’t run out of hot water just when the mood strikes, get our Hours of Shower Power instant HOT WATER heater and water recycling system! SAVE MONEY! BE GREEN! (and not blue!)
Also available: Shower Power Wall Support System, for those heroes who may need a little support to handle ALL your up-against-the-wall lovin’!
LEW said on 09.16.10 at 01:58 AM • [link]
Am I the only one outside of a book who’s actually had a bodice-ripping reaction to a scent? I don’t know what he wears, but I know a guy who smells so good I’m just instantly turned on. It’s my excuse for my slut-tasticness when I made out with him in the men’s bathroom of a bar. That and maybe the 6 pints of beer and 3 Jager shots on an empty stomach had something to do with it…
It was the WFTery that romance novels are made of.
moral69 - morals were not in play that day.
LEW said on 09.16.10 at 02:13 AM • [link]
*WTFery
Abby said on 09.16.10 at 03:40 AM • [link]
“Clean Perspiration”
Look at your man, now back to me. Now your man, now BACK TO ME. Sadly he isn’t me, but if he stopped sweating like a pig and started using Clean Perspiration body spray, he could smell like me. Look down, now back up again. Where are you? You’re in an open field on an estate where a large house party is being held, yet somehow alone with me, the Man Your Man Could Sweat Like. What’s in your hand? Back at me. I have it, it’s your dance card, with my name written on every dance. Look again, THE DANCE CARD IS NOW DIAMONDS. Anything is possible when your man smells like Clean Perspiration and not a filthy sweaty animal. I HAVE A MIGHTY WANG.**
If I had a dollar for every time a heroine commented that a man’s perspiration smelled clean, I would not have need a $25 gift card to the bookstore of my choice.
Also, someone earlier asked about sandalwood. FYI, it really does smell amazing.
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