Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

“Wow, how did I get three balls instead of two??”

Well, hey, Tinkerbell, light of my loins.  Let’s do some clapping to help you rise again!

His wonderous shaft of light…or possibly his flaming sword of lurve?

His detachable penis?

His downstairs mixup?

View here

“He swore if I used it every day, it would work!  Damn that Billy Mays and the seductive lure of the Mighty Putty. “

Why is there a roach
Crawling up my manly thigh?
Please don’t touch my dick.

“Captain Maglite’s power may have been unusual, but it sure came in handy* for finding his keys.”

*hur, hur

Damn.
Indelible lipstick.

My demonic cock
Rampant in the fire light
Hell-raiser indeed.

In the rare case an erection lasts for more than four hours, seek immediate medical attention.

Uhm… 9-1-1? I need a nurse…Yes. This is an emergency.

Act 1 Scene 1

He doth see his “Torche” burn bright
Two pearls hang on the back of the light
Like rich jewels in an Ethiope’s ear
For mine eyes the feast is too dear!

Meaning no disrespect to “Will”….

Naked…check.

Towel to act as heat catcher….check

All over body grease….okay, got that one done. Sure was hard to reach between my manly shoulderblades with the Johnsons.

Heat source from fire. Got that.

Dammit. That email said that if I did all this it’d get BIGGER. It’s not BIGGER. I wanted to achieve manly girth enhancement!

Fuck. Crabs again.

Why did she laugh? I don’t see anything wrong….......

*waking naked on a towel in front of the fire in a strange cabin with a ribbon tied about his manly bits*  “Well I don’t know where you’ve been lad, but I can see you’ve won first prize.”

Huh. When did I get one of those?

****

Stupid damn scratchy towels! My poor Pwecious!

This definitely calls for more cowbell.

Walk softly and carry a big ...

Damn.  I wish my neck was longer.

“Huh - looky there. It does list to the right.”

“The porn director told me to come up with a stage name before we start filming.  I like the name Chuck Cockalot, or how about Ben McMightySack?  Or Mitch Meaty?  Oh, or Chief Big Hard Rod!”

Pamela Anderson!

“I wonder if these stitches are infected? Damn that bitch for stabbing me anyway. When will I learn not to go around sleeping with the enemy?”

“In retrospect, that Barry Manilow tattoo was a bad idea.”

“Hey baby, think the fire needs more….............wood?”

Operator: Customer Service, how may I help you?
Big, Buff, and Butch: What the hell did you do to me?!
Operator:  Please explain the nature of your complaint. *sounds of bubble gum popping*
Big, Buff, and Butch:  I saw your email advertisement and I bought it!  When the pills came, I took them as directed!
Operator: Uh-huh.
Big, Buff, and Butch: And now… I have a tiny cock sticking out of my hip!
Operator: Uh-huh.  So what’s the problem, sir?
Big, Buff, and Butch: ...
...
Besides the tiny cock sticking out of my hip?
Operator: Sir, when you say “tiny,” how small is it?
Big, Buff, and Butch: I don’t know.  I didn’t measure it.
Operator: Would you please do so now, sir.  I’ll be happy to hold.

Minutes later…

Big, Buff, and Butch: *sound of horror dawning* It’s… three inches.
Operator: *chipper* Another satisfied customer, then.  Have a good day, sir!

“Damn, I’m good!”

Egyptian cotton.  I specifically requested Egyptian cotton towels.  I’ll never get dry with this thing, guess I’ll have to sit by the fire.

“Well, what do you know,” He thought to himself, “that mole does kind of look like Pinhead.  I knew I shouldn’t have stuck my d*¢k in that box.”

The tag line says it all: “Sleeping with the enemy.”  He’s obviously contemplating a sex change.

a piece of black lint he spotted on his oh so white towel. He’s holding the towel out because he doesn’t want his the lint to stick onto his wet, hard thighs

Ooops!

He is a self exam man.

‘Xactly!  He’s about to perform his monthly testicular self-exam.  And his nurse is just off-cover, ready to help him with her mouth.

It can’t be that difficult. The big end goes over the ... no, the little end fits around ... wait, it was left to right, then right to left, yes?

*****

I knew it. The sun doesn’t shine out of my ass, it shoots out my dick and, hey, I’ve made fire!

Nothing. He’s looking at nothing at all. :)

*Taking in the small unicorn now tattooed so it’s horn is well…expandable* “Maybe it doesn’t look that bad…right?  Damn it, I’m going to kill Eddie for talking me into this, just as soon as the power comes back on.”

“Who the hell is Lulabelle and why is her name tattooed on my dick?”

“Hey, there’s something to this watermelon stuff.  Rock on!”

“Okay, I recited the sacred chant and anointed myself with coconut oil, but how exactly does putting my left ball in, taking my left ball out, and doing the Hokey Pokey and shaking it all about raise a demon?”

“Ve haf vays of making you talk.”

“Gratuitous animal tattoo. Freakishly chiseled muscles. AND a monstrously huge dick. Damn I’m in yet another paranormal!”

Where is my butt?  Did it switch around to the front?

Say hello to my little friend.

Ah, come on…this isn’t a contest.  The answer’s right across his butt.

He’s looking at “the enemy.”

He’s frowning at a stain in the towel and thinking, “Didn’t they say this spray on tan would come off?”

Truth in advertising, indeed :wink:

“I really should have that third nipple removed.”

Jason studied his purple-tipped manhood carefully and tried not to think about the earlier humiliating encounter.

I don’t know what she’s thinking. He couldn’t stop hearing Josie’s scornful words.

“Oh my.” On her knees, she’d given him the same concerned look the mechanic often used right before explaining the doo-dad whatzimatoozy would need to be replaced. The look he’d gotten from the electrician who’d told him to replace the wiring in his Victorian-era cottage or else prepared to be roasted alive.

She looked at his groin again, moved closer. Squinted like a near-sighted girl who’d lost her glasses and was trying to read the newspaper.

Finally she shrugged. “Well, I’ll do what I can with this, but it’s gonna cost you more. And I don’t guarantee results. Vienna sausages like this little guy are usually more trouble than their worth.”

With a shake of his head, Jason pulled himself back to the present.
Things hadn’t worked quite the way he’d envisioned, but it was fine. Really. Just the right size.

“I told you, Mini-me, they’d never see you inside the towel…”

Okay…woke up in a cabin, naked and wrapped in a towel, by a roaring fire, with some weird-ass tattoo…Mistress Heather! First time’s funny, third time’s just f—ing annoying!

“Shrinkage is a bitch!”

Sleeping with the enemy

Waking up with the crabs.

Damn that diabolical enemy!

It’s so big I can use it as a spit. Don’t worry, I won’t show you until you’re really ready for it.

“Look into my Eye, That’s right, you want to sleep…you are feeling your control slip…”
“Round….and round….sleepy… so very sleepy…. “

“That’s right… Soon I shall possess all of you…. Muhahaha.. “

You know buddy, we’d be having way more fun if that hot chick who can’t be trusted was here.

“Hello, old friend.  Looks like it’s just you and me… again.”

Umm, is it left over right, and under?  Or right over left, and over?

He’s looking down at the heroine, a photographer for Dicks of the Month magazine, who’s taking close-up shots and saying, “This is my best side.”

I couldn’t resist, it just popped into my head…

~~

As he started to take off his towel, he looked shyly away from the mirror above the hearth and stopped, breaking their eye contact.  All she could see was the top of his head, the tension rippling through his shoulder muscles. His winged tattoo seemed to take flight as they moved, and she gulped. Nice. Very nice.

“Before I do this, I need to tell yo…”

“Just strip.” She snapped playfully. “You lost that last hand, fly-boy, not me.”

He sighed, looked back over his shoulder, then down to his privates again. She wondered just what he was worried about. A scar? An ugly birthmark? A thought crossed through her mind that perhaps he was really a hermaphrodite, and she stifled a giggle.

“It’s not funny.” He remarked. ” Seriously…”

“What are you looking at?” She asked, as he stood, open to the fire, obviously debating on whether the game had gone too far. She cleared her throat and he sighed, the towel pooled around his thighs, each hand crinkling the edge. It took him a few moments, but he finally spoke.

“Well, you see, there was this training mission a few years back, and, well… my plane crash landed in the desert. We were off track and lost. Some hunters from a Bedouin tribe found us, and they nursed our injuries back to health before they took us to a nearby town to return to the squadron. In that time, well… err… they have certain customs.”

“What kind of customs?” She queried, more curious by the second, holding back the urge to yank the towel away from his perfectly formed ass-cheeks. A piercing? Perhaps a brand.

This was torture.

“Uhh, well… You know, like those blue turbans they wear.”

She nodded. She’d seen them. They dyed the skin of the men who wore the cloth across their noses a deep blue, sometimes their hands were dyed as well. Suddenly, it dawned on her.

“You mean to tell me your…”

“Yeah, apparently that is a custom too, supposed to be an ancient charm to heal…” He said quietly, and turned around, finally letting the towel fall.

~~

“If I rub it , will it grow?”

Fire-demons give the best blowjobs. It was fantastic to have that rumor confirmed. It was worth it, he supposed, but the burn marks were just unsightly.

Oh shit. My herpes is showing again.

*sigh*

Why the hell did I sleep with my enemy?

Those Viagra commercials weren’t kidding about the 8-hour erection. Huh.

I knew I shouldn’t have slept with her, I wonder if the fire will kill the crabs.

“Watch the teeth this time, okay?”

“Has anyone seen the fluffer?”

‘They always say the best things come in the smallest packages, don’t they?’

“Well I don’t know where you’ve been lad, but I can see you’ve won first prize.”

Tsk, tsk . . . . stealing that line from a song, isn’t that grounds for . . . . . . something?

I am just saying . . . .

Yeah, it’s a slow day for me.

Bet she’ll be sorry she had me fixed when she thought I was merely a dog…

(Should be mentioned that the theme was bogarted from some horrible joke my father-in-law emailed me.)

James paused, a fleeting memory from his drunken week in San Francisco playing through his still hazy brain.

He remembered something about the hotel bar and three thousand women. The memory, a bubble rising in rapidly boiling water, surfaced.

He unwrapped the towel fearfully , his fears confirmed.  His firm flanks to his adonnis belt of desire had been signed. Scrolls of lovingly written names, suggestions, phone numbers and GPS locations for something called “The Pleasure Box” flowed over his rippling muscles.

“Well shit.” he muttered “Looks like I DID go to RWA this year”.

Who the f**k has towels that say “dry clean only?”

“Mom was right; from now on I’m using a stick to toast marshmallows!”

“I should look into having that growth removed…”

“Euuuh!  Why didn’t you didn’t tell me the cat was sick?”

Traitor.

Phil glared at his insubordinate member. Was it expecting too much to perform a simple drill? Hell, he wasn’t expecting it to rise up from the dead.  He just wanted his cock to stop falling asleep the minute he put on its little latex suit. But no, this private only stayed at attention when it was out of uniform. 

Well, if standing in front of a fire was the only way to stay hot, then by God that’s what he’d do.

Where did it go? I swear it was here a minute a go.

“Well I’m ever upper-class high society
God’s gift to ballroom notoriety
And I always fill my ballroom
The event is never small
The social pages say I’ve got
The biggest balls of all” . . .

His nice ripped set of 6-pack!

I’ll bite.  I’m guessing his third nipple has begun to migrate.

Voiceover:  “This package will self-destruct in five… four… three…”

OMG!!! Is that a gray hair!?

I wonder if only my hairdresser really will know for sure.

(Stand85 security word hahahaha)

Carpe Testes!

“Ferrets?  Again?!”

“Huh? I could have sworn I had something there earlier…”

‘Dammit! I thought I washed off that white discharge in the shower!’

____________________________________________________

‘Hmmm…these towels are very nice. Soft and fluffy, just like the saleslady said. I wonder if I can go into town wrapped in one…’

That wasn’t there yesterday. . .

*delurks*

“You’re still there?” he said, not particularly surprised.  “I thought for sure the shower would get rid of you.

The little fire demon nestled snugly in his privates just grinned smugly up at him.

“I am trying to ... entertain ... a lady,” he said stiffly.  “Do you know how hard it is to maintain the proper dignity of my manhood when I’m also having to explain to her why I appear to be on fire down there?”

“You’re part demon yourself,” the fireling shot back.

“So?”

“So it’s not exactly a *man*hood…”

“Oh, shut up,” he said, and went back to figuring out just how exactly he would explain things…

“Hell, raise it?  I can’t even find it!”

Wow! 100% cotton really does feel softest?

Man, I knew that Mickey Mouse tattoo was a bad idea

Johnson was the master smuggler, literally defending his manhood his manhood. Seriously, who would ever guess he was a Julia Roberts fan if they could never find where he always hid the flash drives with her downloaded classics?

Naked, alone, and warm in his lovely private cabin, he undid his towel and reached into his sachel of goodies that had been surgically enhanced at great expense so that it could also function as a literal sachel of goodies and withdrew the flashdrive.

“Time to watch my favourite - Sleeping With the Enemy.”
***
“My baloney has a first name, it’s O-S-C-A-R…..”

Lance looked down at the jagged line of dissolvable stitches that crossed his rippling abs and said to himself,
“Enemies we may be, but at least she only stole the one kidney.”

Ah! Correction to the first sentence: “Johnson was the master smuggler, literally defending his manhood WITH his manhood.”

“Um…I thought this thing was wash and wear?”

JennK- Are you in some kind of distress, cause that icon is the international symbol of distress. Or a big insult. One or the other. I’m just asking is all…

Ok, it’s still there. Just checking, you know.

Chest, Nuts roasting on an open fire…

and for you SNL fans:

No one can resist my Schweaty Balls

He is looking at his pigsticker and thinking…
“I love you,
You love me,
We’re a happy family,
with a great big hug,
and a kiss from me to you,
Won’t you say you love me TOO!”

What the-?  Is that a-?  Holy shit, I’m a DUDE?!

Beam me up Scottie, there really is no intelligence down here, from what I see.

Pay close attention boys and girls…I’m going to make an Elephant

Azrael gazed with bemusement at his new form.  He was familiar with humans, for Hell teemed with their numbers.  Still, this was the first time he had possessed a human body, and his whole frame was awash with sensations.  He stepped close to the fire, but Azrael soon retreated with embarrassment when the heat became too much.  A demon bothered by fire?  He would never live it down.

The body wore a wrap around its middle, and Azrael’s fingers were drawn to the soft texture.  But there was more to explore, and Azrael boldly opened the wrap to discover it.  Here was the source of so many human troubles.  He had heard rumors in Hell about a man’s organ, but never knew if they were true.  Already it stood at attention, as if awaiting something.

Idle hands, thought Azrael with a grin, and he let the wrap drop to the floor…

I swear it winked at me!

BEVQB has the best one so far…by far!

“Huh, John was right!  This is much toastier than using the washroom air dryer!”

(yeah yeah, I know, I just had to think of something, because I’m drooling over the ARC!)

ev @ 10:32: I have no idea how or why it’s there.

What the heck did I do last night? Is that a new tattoo? And a piercing?

Damn, this strap on looks cool.

You know, when I sold my soul to the devil, I thought I’d get a full 20.  Oh well, I guess a foot-long will have to do.

(odd that my word was growing95)

“ROYGBI…Alright!  Send in the last one with the Violet lipstick!”

Top Secret CIA black ops, ex-Marine agent Jared stared, amazed to find that the mystic artist who had given him his phoenix tattoo had spoken truly. The bird had empowered him with the ability to shoot fire out of his cock. He could complete his mission now, and assassinate the beautiful terrorist by sleeping with the enemy.

And yet, this was bad, he thought mournfully, for now he was forever cursed to be a lonely, mournful, smoldering romance hero who refused to have sex because he would hurt her.

“Damn, I missed a spot shaving.”

Why didn’t you tell me that Nair ...would…sting…so…much?

should thighs of steel be
inflamed ablaze cracked oozing
not so fresh feeling?

irony - “medical68”

“Crap, I washed the microdot down the drain. Q is gonna kill me for sure.”

There once was a really hot dude,
who admired himself muchly when nude.
But his man rod was teeny,
and ashamed of his weenie,
he decided to get it tatooed.

The things I will do for free books!
*droops head in shame*

Mhuscles - got ‘em.
Cahbin with Fhireplace - right here.
Mahssively huge penhis - right where I left it

Jhust anohther dhay…...

Eve

He’s looking at his johnson, psyching it to get hard because he’s preparing to sacrifice himself for his country by sleeping with the enemy so he/she/they will reveal state secrets during pillow talk.

(I didn’t read the other comments so sorry if someone already suggested this!)

It’s a fairly common STD, he says.
The penicillin should clear it right up, he says.
Somehow I don’t think the Doc understood that “I’m pissing fire” wasn’t hyperbole.

(I heart BethanyA)

You put your right ball in,
You take your right ball out,
You put your left ball in,
and shake it all about…

“Whoa, when did I get circumsized?”

“Fuck! You shaved me while I was passed out!?”

after35. That really says it all. Maybe he should have stopped at 30. Or 5.

Luc eased his hulking, toned and bronzed body closer to the fire. Damn, he hadn’t had a woman in days and his work as a private investigator, bon vivant and Navy SEAL focusing on seductive aquatic vampires was making him feel something.

Something. That something was horny.

There was something about the aquatic vampire girl he had just tussled with. Her lips had been full, rich and green and he inwardly sighed as he thought about her full, limpid black eyes and her fluttery soft gills. Damn. He’d never felt like this before.

His mind wandered back to the fight and the cursed amulet she had scraped against his chin before Delta Team pulled him up. The look, the way she pouted. Damn. He felt like molten lava was rushing through his veins, like he was the one ready to devour her.

He moaned as he released himself from the towel and stood aback, gasping from desire, limp from confusion. A blaze of light filled the empty room and he was certain that little minx had something to do with it, he thought as he gazed down at his now-puzzling manhood. Whatever it was from the amulet had changed things. Damn. In his whole military career, he knew that that was his rifle, this was his gun…but whatever had happened—the glowing, the swelling—was certainly not for fun.

A smile creased his manly face. I’m coming for you, kitten.  With that he moaned and sighed thinking of that little undersea vampire vixen, her little blue tongue, her fangs, her sassy wriggle, spending himself as he swore he’d spend a night in her arms, amulet be damned. He spilled his very essence, spent, eyes closed, not noticing the fire spreading forth. As the room blazed high, he could only dream of her smile. Yeah, he’d get up in just a minute. Damn.

Damn.

Damn.

Nothing I could come up with would be as good as BevQB’s Chest, Nuts..

From here on out, I will always hear Chestnuts roasting as Chest, Nuts roasting.

Great.

Really. Great one, BevQB. :)

That certain former president was wrong! Oral does count as sex! How else can you catch an STD from it?

(This is the third time I’ve tried to post this one so sorry if the other two tries do turn up out of the ether and we’re in repeatsville.)

bath teim - yur doin it rong

Wow, this is so soft.  All natural fibres?  I wonder what kind of fabric softener they use.  Must remember to ask…

A shower, a hot cup of coffee—that’s what he needed to chase away the full-on hangover that a bottle of Tequila had left behind as its parting gift.

He glanced down.

He froze.

The first thought in his mind was, “How the hell did they keep the lines straight tattooing _that_…”

The second was, “Who the $*#& is Raoul?”

“‘I’ll piss on the fire and make it higher’
Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.”

My humps My humps
My little manly bumps

What am I gonna do with all that junk
All that junk inside my trunk

I am going to hump, hump, hump
Look at my lovely manly bumps
(Check it out)

My love, My love
are you going to check out my bumps and my lovely manly trunk

All the girls think Im sexy especially with my snakey
Lets hump, Lets hump
gonna fill you with my manly trunk

Good gawds—that’s not MY wedding tackle!

Quoting from one of my books.

“It’s still there… kind of had me worried when she said her name was Lorena”

Trash = Rash

“Wearing nothing but a towel? - check.

Covered in vaseline? - check.

Sense of alcoholic remorse? - check

Brand new, ill-advised penis piercing I totally have no recollection of getting? - CHECK, BABY!

HOT DAMN, I LOVE THESE DRUNKEN, HOMOEROTIC NIGHTS OUT!”

*Option A*

Hot Damn!  The Extenze worked!  Does this mean my feet will grow too?

*Option B*

Holy fuck!  That’s what apadravya is!  That’s the last time I play drunken scrabble at Jim’s Board Games and Piercings!!!

“Next time I’ll taking care of manscaping before I start drinking.”

“I could think of it like a tube of toothpaste…I guess.”

Those…weren’t there yesterday…

“Aw, jeez, her suspicions were right.  I am getting a little on the side!”

“DAMN! Lost it again. Where’d it go? I know it’s here somewhere! I’m going to have to tape that thing on…”

LOL @ Annabella! Good’un

*Damn you, Sarah! These things keep popping up while I’m trying to work!*

Garth contemplated the fact that, as a Were-Duck, he was cursed with a breakaway foot long corkscrew.

(I heart Carmen and Wendy, too)

A necessary pep talk our hero must have with his penis upon discovering his girlfriend’s toys in the shower:

Look, I get it. The size was…the size was something not found in nature, and why she needs three of them, I don’t know. I mean, I get the fleshy looking one because, come on, we’re fleshy, but the glass? And the one that looks like metal? When has something with a little give been a bad thing? What happened to size doesn’t matter?

I know we’re both glad that she’s not stepping out while we’re away, but this is not something either of us wanted to step into the shower to see. We were going for a little wet warm up and instead got brain overload. I know. It’s hard.

Okay, hard maybe isn’t the best word. We’re the opposite of hard. But it’s momentary. Nothing long lasting. Look at you, we’re bouncing back already. The fire feels good, right? Hot. Like she is. She’s practically third degree. And those things obviously means she’s missing us. So buck up! Stand proud little man. Daddy’s home and he’s going to show Mamma that the motion of the ocean is what it is really all about.

*woman’s voice singing*

Rudolph with your cock so bright,
won’t you part my thighs tonight?

(my spamkiller is morning34.  I suspect in the morning she will have 34 interesting burn marks)

Dwayne opened the towel, the firelight illuminating his manhood. He twisted his body back and forth ever so in an exotic dance, using the heat from the flames to dry himself.

Through the snapping and hissing of the logs he thought of the conversation overheard during his surgery, the anesthesiologist giving him too little of the wonder drug to make him sleep…

“Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We can make him better than he was. Bigger…longer…thicker.”

Dwayne closed the towel and felt the twinge of tears behind his eyes.

They lied. Oh, they lied.

The enemy is the light, move away from the light…
Like a fungus, this hell-raiser thrives in the dark.

“My hot dog has a first name, it’s P-E-N-I-S….”

((Omg, I’m on a roll! I can’t stop, I’m laughing/crying so hard! SB, I wuvs you!))

“That ain’t no LOLcat down there!”

— Bonz

PS: Help! someone turn the italics off!!! ;p

Dwayne looked down at himself in the glow of the firelight and his favorite lyrics came to mind, giving him inspiration:

“Just Beat It, Beat It, Beat It, Beat It
No One Wants To Be Defeated
Showin’ How Funky Strong Is Your Fight
It Doesn’t Matter Who’s Wrong Or Right
Just Beat It, Beat It, Beat It, Beat It, Beat It”

“OH Noes!  Der is a Kitteh under my towel!”

I think Shakespeare said it best, “Much ado about nothing.”

“I wonder if the hotel will notice that this towel is missing?...”

“Gee, I guess using nuclear arms really IS a bad idea.”

“‘Well, Wiener, it’s you and me against the world.’” (haha! quotes Hoff & SB Hubby! I are teh good plagiarizer!)

Tattoo came out really nice. Wonder what she’ll think of it?

Maybe if I stand next to this hot fire, it will bring it to a head…..

Damn, am I big!?!?!?!.....

As he often did when he was alone—and, truth be told, when he wasn’t alone—Ram Rockwood gazed lovingly at his fabulous cock. 

foot68—Okay, maybe not a foot...

Man: Yeah that hawk and mouse tattoo was a great idea!  The mouse even grows!

(watch word services74 huh huh I got some services he can fulfill!)

“Come on, baby, just taste it.”
“I don’t know.  I just don’t know.  It frightens me.”
“Aw, come on.  There’s nothing to be afraid of.  Hey, look at it this way— least you won’t get pregnant.”
“But . . . my knees hurt.  My back is getting warm.  And you’re all kinds of sweaty.”
“That doesn’t sweat.  Well, heh-heh, only from one pore.  Okay, wait.  Remember that movie we just saw?  You liked it, didn’t you?”
“Charlotte’s Web?  Yes, very much It was very touching.  And full of wisdom.”
“You even liked the rat, right?”
“Templeton?  Yeah, he turned out to be a good guy.”
“And wise.  Right?”
“I guess so, in his own way.”
“So do you remember his best line?  His biggest, uh, clam of wisdom . . . no, that’s not it.  What word am I looking for?”
“Pearl.”
“Yeah.  His biggest pearl of wisdom?”
“Uh . . . I’m not sure.”
“‘Good things come to those who find ‘em and shove ‘em in their mouth’.”
“Oh, Derek . . . you’re right!”
“Ain’t I always, puckerlips?”
~~~~~~~
NOTE: Yesiree, that is indeed a line from Charlotte’s Web.

“Name.  Rank.  Serial number.  Serial number, dammit!  That’s all she’s supposed to get from me, but the number’s too damn long to fit!”

“OH JOHN RINGO NO!!!”

(Okay, that was gratuitous.  I’m done now).

(doing59 - even the network knows he’s confused).

The Few, The Proud, The Marines

The Few. The Proud. The Marines**  Have found that while The Cannon Cockers are Always Flexible when they Rule The Night, there is No Better Friend, No Worse Enemy when Others Follow When They Lead, They Unite As One and that [Hell In A Helmet refers to the other helmet, the one that is not available for public viewing when in regulation fatigues.

“Did he say 3 or 4 drops? Oh man, I cannot remember.” The luckless agent, Will Wiltington, stared at the bottle of Bois Bandee* and wished that he had studied French in college instead of Russian. Who knew he’d end up in Haiti, taking orders from a Vodouisant, and trying to get it up for an all night session with that hot reporter from the Dominican Republic.

*Bois Bandee really exists. My cousin was given a bottle himself as parting gift when he was reporting in Haiti. And the bottle had really interesting French specifically spelling out how very little one should use on one’s memeber. Appearantly one drop too many is a very very bad thing. I know this because I did study French instead of Russian. =)

“What the—That bitch took my dick!”

(I dunno, he just looks pissed off to me.)

Barry’s on the player.
The fire’s burning bright.
I’ll peel off this last layer.
Oh man, what a sight!
My lady’s coming over.
Yeah, my door’s got a lock.
I’m your dreamscape lover,
And…“Oh Hell! Where’s my cock?!”

Dayam, I can’t remember another thread with so much hilarious bitchwittery. I like Suze’s: What the-?  Is that a-?  Holy shit, I’m a DUDE?! But they’re all funny.

Our out of uniform hero looks pensive. Methinks he’s in the midst of a soliloquy, so here’s my contribution to the clusterfun (with apologies to all you fans of the Bard) -

Tis but thy size that is my enemy,
Thou art thyself, though not a huge example.
What does it matter? It is not breasts, nor clit,
Nor vagina, nor lips, nor any other part
Belonging to a woman. O, be some greater size!
What’s in a cock? That which we call John Thomas
By any other name would perform as well;
So Peter would, were he not Peter called,
Retain that hard erection which he sustains
Without that title. Peter, forget thy size,
And with that length which is a small part of thee,
Fuck all thee can.

Soap on a rope ..... (swing) ..... soap on a rope .... (swing) ...

Wonder if I’ll get laid tonight? What does she mean my balls roll in their sac when I sleep? Was she being serious? Is that code for I left the seat up again? I gotta ask the guys if their shit rolls when they…Hey! What’s that? Is that a mole? I think it’s a mole, but it might be cancer. I’ll ask her to look at it; she’ll know.
Damn. It’s hot in here. I could use a beer. I wonder if I’ll get laid tonight?

Ok, do not read any of these while eating or drinking…. I will never be able to hear a Christmas Carol again.

“Thar be whales here, Cap’n”

————————————————————————————————

that can go to Moby Dick, but I prefer Scotty’s version (for the other Trekkies out there)