Bitchin' Blog Posts
What Not To Write: Callouses
by SB Sarah | by SB Sarah | October 14, 2010 | Thursday at 4:27 pm | 62 Comments
Alert Reader N. answered the call for any examples of What Not To Write with an email message that made my jaw drop. As part of a regular feature here at the Hot Pink Palace of Bitchery (where the drinks are free and the man titty shelters us from the harsh rays of the sun), we’re taking a look at descriptions, both sexual and non-sexual that yanked us out of the storyline.
Some of these examples, such as the comparison of a woman’s hey-nanner-nanner to a horse’s mouth, evoked some irritated responses that the passage in question (the words, not the ACTUAL passage) didn’t bother them. And of course, any sex scene taken out of context is ridiculous, as AgTigress pointed out. It’s true.
But every now and again, readers encounter some examples of description that cause a double-take.
Which is why N’s example was so marvelous.
I humbly submit for your consideration Susan Johnson’s short story “A School for Scandal” in the anthology Perfect Kisses, in which the hero wonders if he is being overly vigorous:
“He wasn’t worried for himself - his penis was calloused from hard use. Her vaginal tissue on the other hand might be more fragile.”
I know. You don’t believe me. But here it is.
Oh, no. Calloused?! REALLY?! To quote Hubby, what was he doing, humping some sandpaper? If it is used so much it develops callouses, I think it might need to be retired.
What does a calloused wang LOOK like anyway? And would a man use one of those flat razors on it to make the callouses go away? YEESH.
Even if Johnson’s hero was being sarcastic, there’s no way I’m getting that image out of my head (ha ha) any time soon. Sweet holy crap.
Feel free to send over any What Not To Write examples to sarahATsmartbitchestrashybooksDOTcom. Horses with callouses, though, I think we’ve got that covered. (*shudder*)
Filed: Good Shit vs. Shit to Avoid, What Not to Write
Tagged: wtfery, sex, scandal, penis, make the burning stop, kisses, ew, bitchery
lizw65 said on 10.14.10 at 04:40 PM • [link]
I think Mr. Callused Penis needs to pay an urgent visit to his physician, as this clearly is the kind of medical issue that could be passed on to Ms Fragile Vaginal.
MelB said on 10.14.10 at 04:43 PM • [link]
Dear God, a calloused wang!!! Callouses bear an unfortunate similarity to warts and if I see warts on a wang, it so is not coming anywhere near my southland. In fact, I would start discussing medical treatments, not lurvemaking.
tricia said on 10.14.10 at 04:58 PM • [link]
And I thought you were going to explain that “callous” means heartless and “callus” is the hard bit of skin. I think people have seen it spelled wrong for so long that they don’t know the difference anymore. I see it everywhere.
Kati said on 10.14.10 at 05:13 PM • [link]
All I can think is, “Do they make a PedEgg for that??”
tara said on 10.14.10 at 05:43 PM • [link]
Good god. CALLOUSED PENIS? If I noticed something like that on my penis I’d demand he see a doctor, and also demand to know what exactly “hard use” really is.
tara said on 10.14.10 at 05:44 PM • [link]
Dear god… that should say “my boyfriend’s.” Am now embarrassed.
Donna said on 10.14.10 at 06:01 PM • [link]
Yes, out of context things do sound… wrong. I remember this. I knew he was speaking metaphorically & self deprecatingly (although as much time as SJ’s heros spend doin it, maybe not….), but as a comment out of context… Ouch.
Keira said on 10.14.10 at 06:02 PM • [link]
He’s just hoping its callouses and not genital warts.
Anon said on 10.14.10 at 06:37 PM • [link]
Callus is the correct noun to use for a hardened or thickened area of skin.
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/callus
People mix up callous and callus all the time.
teshara said on 10.14.10 at 06:59 PM • [link]
ahahahhahahaha!!
Up until then that must have been one lonely man.
readinginak said on 10.14.10 at 07:06 PM • [link]
That’s just terrifying. Even in a *self-deprecating* comment, the idea of a callused penis is, well, YIKES. And the idea of a callused penis driving into her delicate tunnel of lurve… maybe said calluses will help when he has to drill through the nearly indestructible hymen (which you KNOW is in there!).
Captcha: call57 (I think it would take 57 times a day, with a vag of sandpaper to develop calluses.)
AgTigress said on 10.14.10 at 07:52 PM • [link]
For the record, in British English, both spellings are acceptable and correct for the noun, and in fact callous is the more common spelling. :)
Mary G said on 10.14.10 at 07:54 PM • [link]
He sounded very callous about his callus. There might be a better way to say that he has way more experience than she does.
Tasha said on 10.14.10 at 07:59 PM • [link]
I thought this was precisely why lubricated condoms were invented?
Aislinn Macnamara said on 10.14.10 at 08:28 PM • [link]
So all his other girlfriends had sand in their vaginas?
catinbody said on 10.14.10 at 09:33 PM • [link]
I’ve never liked the term “channel.” Channels are deep, wide bodies of water that can fit entire ocean going vessels with room to spare. So any use of the term “channel” in a sex scene just throws me right out of the storyline, especially if the hero starts navigating it, or plunging into it, or god help us, invading it. It just sounds like he’s lost at sea, or planning a naval assault or something—I picture bunches of tiny marines running ashore and then start worrying about nasty parisites. It’s not sexy.
Jennifer Armintrout said on 10.14.10 at 09:38 PM • [link]
Wow.
Carrie said on 10.14.10 at 09:41 PM • [link]
Was it a joke? Please say yes. But, even as a joke, eewwwwww…I can almost handle the idea of joking that one has a callous, callused, penis, but the fragile vaginal tissue is just too, too much.
I have 96 problems with this.
quizzabella said on 10.14.10 at 10:40 PM • [link]
The term “ruptured” invariably pulls me out of an otherwise sexy love scene and into fits of giggles. This is from “Patience” by Lisa Valdez, a novel which I otherwise rather liked.
“Sucking in her breath, she hammered against him. …And then she squeezed her eyes shut, and with a long and throaty cry, her clitoris ruptured,”
Seriously it sounds more like a horrible sexual mistake that would necessitate a trip to the ER rather than an orgasm.
RebeccaJ said on 10.14.10 at 10:49 PM • [link]
A calloused penis is what a guy gets when he doesn’t use enough lotion….
Nagaina said on 10.14.10 at 10:52 PM • [link]
Boy, I’m glad that’s a metaphorical thing because otherwise…? I’d seriously have to wonder what kind of funky sex those two were having where his ‘calloused’ wang was not at risk but her delicate vag was. Sandpaper condom? Experimental warming lube? I would be forced to require an extensive investigation into the phenomenon.
JamiSings said on 10.14.10 at 10:54 PM • [link]
It gets worse from there. I mean “Phallic perfection”? Gag me with a spoon!
And then her line, “If you could do that again I’d be ever so grateful.”
Ug!
Anne Marsh said on 10.14.10 at 11:00 PM • [link]
Uh-oh. I remember that “I’d be ever so grateful” line. It sounds much better in context. I promise. Plus, clearly the calloused quality of the hero hasn’t bothered her too, too much…
adobedragon said on 10.14.10 at 11:50 PM • [link]
Heh. This made me think of my grandmother, who used various callus removing products on her feet. One, in particular, consisted of a little round cushion that contained a callus removing medication. It had a kind of adhesive, so it could be stuck on top of the callus.
Which immediately leads to an image of the callused phallus covered in a legion of little callus removers.
Carrie said on 10.14.10 at 11:52 PM • [link]
I don’t want any part of me rupturing during sex, esp my clitoris or, for that matter, my “fragile tissue”. Sorry, clearly that line has traumatized me for life…
Rima said on 10.15.10 at 12:38 AM • [link]
Now THAT’S a good way to keep guys from spanking the monkey. Tell them they’ll developed a callused (?) penis and eventually won’t be able to feel ANYTHING. Good times.
Alpha Lyra said on 10.15.10 at 12:49 AM • [link]
And the irony is that vaginal tissue, made to withstand the stress of giving birth (among other things), is anything but fragile.
EbonyMcKenna said on 10.15.10 at 12:54 AM • [link]
I am laughing so hard.
Ouch!
Kind of glad I’m writing younger fiction so all I need to worry about is some kissing and emotions, and none of the ‘going through the motions’.
I’ve dodged a callused bullet :-)
dorothea said on 10.15.10 at 01:21 AM • [link]
Oh my god, quizzabella.
I have just informed my boyfriend that if it is even remotely possible for the clitoris to RUPTURE then I’m swearing off sex forever.
That is the worst choice of word I have *ever* seen in a sex scene. You win.
Elizabeth said on 10.15.10 at 02:59 AM • [link]
Oh dear god.
Me, reading entry: *choked scream*
Boyfriend: “What?”
Me: “You really don’t want to know. Really. Seriously.”
Carolyn said on 10.15.10 at 03:45 AM • [link]
O~o
Those clitori can be real noisy, especially when they rupture. ;-)
Crystal said on 10.15.10 at 03:53 AM • [link]
Calluses and penises…um, ew.
Who the hell thought that was titillating? I mean, sure, if you want to turn a bunch of women into nuns, sure.
Susan said on 10.15.10 at 04:15 AM • [link]
This is certainly an ***interesting*** mental picture. However, if I’m ever with a man and see calluses ***there***, I think I’ll suddenly remember that I have to go to work real early the next day.
Tina M. said on 10.15.10 at 04:20 AM • [link]
Now, I want to read this book. LOL!
shelleyrae @ book'd out said on 10.15.10 at 05:11 AM • [link]
There is no context that makes that right. Hilarious!
Pickle said on 10.15.10 at 05:12 AM • [link]
I am so happy that my teenaged son is fast asleep as I chortle quite heartily reading all these comments. I just wouldn’t want to explain this one.
Karen said on 10.15.10 at 05:42 AM • [link]
“oh, honey, it’s calloused. Let me get my PediEgg…..”
Ben P said on 10.15.10 at 10:29 AM • [link]
DUDE! WTF have you been doing with it?
@Karen: I a vision of that poor hero in the bathtub with a piece of pummice saying “It’s MINE and I’ll rub it as fast as it like.
For our general edification:
Callus is also known as “horny skin”.
Kinda fitting. So to speak.
Literary Slut Kilian said on 10.15.10 at 11:45 AM • [link]
Wow. Callused penises and screaming, rupturing clits. I’ve obviously been reading the wrong books.
looking43: looking for 43 ways to distract myself from these mental images.
Lindz said on 10.15.10 at 12:24 PM • [link]
I think his wang has been so well-used, he’s happened to pick up an STI along the way. Genital warts, anyone?
Jeannie said on 10.15.10 at 03:04 PM • [link]
That’s not the only part of that scene that bothered me. I hate the mention of “vaginal tissues” in a LOVE scene. It’s just too clinical.
And of course she had the greatest hoo-ha on the planet!
Sometimes I think authors try to out-do themselves with their love scenes. The next one has to be even more descriptive and outrageous than the last. Do they ever go back and re-read these scenes objectively from a readers standpoint? And what was her editor thinking?
I’m reading “Unbridled” by Beth Williamson right now and her heroines nipples “pop” when she gets aroused. Um…no. Tightened, puckered…okay. Popped..ouch!
SB Sarah said on 10.15.10 at 04:03 PM • [link]
@jeannie: her nipples “popped?”
Anyone else thinking of those timers on turkeys that pop out when the turkey is (over) done?
cate said on 10.15.10 at 04:15 PM • [link]
Now I’ve stopped laughing, what a brilliant name for a cocktail! ” Calloused Cock” anyone ? Off to experiment -
Donna said on 10.15.10 at 06:07 PM • [link]
Thanks, quizzabella, for mentioning one of the many “what not to write” examples from Lisa Valdez. I actually SKIPPED the sex in “Patience” and “Passion”. For books with such well written characters I could not believe how awful the sexxoring could be. No third strikes for me. I won’t be fooled again. Can’t think of another cliche….
Sharon said on 10.15.10 at 06:28 PM • [link]
@SB Sarah
Or the Austin Powers Fembots…a man might want to be careful around those popping nipples…
MysteeBee said on 10.15.10 at 06:38 PM • [link]
So what is worse…calloused penises or love scenes with too may ellipses? (I’m thinking Stephanie Laurens land here).
Such a tough call.
Still LMAO over this entry, though!
Jeannie said on 10.15.10 at 06:54 PM • [link]
I shit you not. “Popped”. I shuddered when I read it. *grin*
Don’t get me wrong, the book is good. I just roll my eyes and keep reading. There was another - “His dick slapped his zipper.” Wha? 1) Does his penis have hands too? and 2) is there that much room in his pants for it to jump that far?
Sadly, I like my lady-porn even if it does make me giggle sometimes.
AllyJS said on 10.15.10 at 09:21 PM • [link]
@Jeannie
Speaking of clinical, it throws me off when a sex scene throws in “cervix” or “uterus.” Unless the hero is a very literal-minded professor or something along those lines, no thanks.
Isabel C. said on 10.15.10 at 10:35 PM • [link]
Yes, indeed, Ally. Not to mention that…well, generally speaking, my OBGYN has a lot more contact with my uterus (and, to some extent, my cervix) than my sexual partners do—which means that those words call up some not-so-pleasant memories. Eeesh.
@SB Sarah: I was thinking of the little plastic bubble in Yahtzee, myself.
Christine said on 10.16.10 at 12:18 AM • [link]
Callused? If that’s what he told you it was, he was lying to you, girlfriend! Let me guess, did he also tell you he has a latex allergy?
Lora said on 10.16.10 at 01:46 AM • [link]
I’m thinking mr. callus has a contagious rash.
JamiSings said on 10.16.10 at 02:32 AM • [link]
I don’t mind clinical terms, I’d rather read them then cuss words or “velvet love tunnel” type things. Nothing turns me off more then the words cock and cunt.
But if I wasn’t already celibate, this scene would make me so! “Ever so grateful,” “phallic perfection” - just gag me. The entire scene is a total turn off for me.
HS said on 10.16.10 at 09:30 AM • [link]
ummm… I think he just might have a case of genital warts!
Freshechelle said on 10.16.10 at 05:06 PM • [link]
If I could get past his penis that’s like a Kenyan marathoner’s feet, it’s the author’s over-zealous and incorrect use of commas would take me out of the story.
Kristen said on 10.17.10 at 03:46 AM • [link]
Wouldn’t a potato peeler be more helpful than a tender (as my mother would say) twat??
Vicki said on 10.17.10 at 05:12 PM • [link]
Medically speaking, it would be very difficult, if not impossible, to get a callus on your (well, your boyfriend’s) penis. Even if used frequently. Seriously, get thee to a physician now. And there are non-latex condoms - a google search brings up thousands of places to buy them.
karen said on 10.18.10 at 11:04 PM • [link]
I read a little farther and really, the whole page is a little bizarre. How can you be “dripping wet” and “a gift-from-heaven tight”? I supposed she’d need to be if he was able to feel anything through his callused penis! Yikes!
Biggest turn off for me is when they start an inner dialogue about their conflicted feelings. Really, can one go on for three pages of inner dialogue while still maintaining hot monkey love sex? I’d think you’d get distracted.
Amy said on 10.19.10 at 01:12 AM • [link]
I ready further as well…this was actually printed. Holy Crap! It’s a totally bizarre mix of awkwardly large words and description. The best is after their raunchy sex scene he marvels at her innocance. Really? Because two pages ago she was riding that callous penis like it was 1799!
Amy said on 10.19.10 at 01:23 AM • [link]
I read further as well - what a bizarre mix of description and dialogue. I think the best part was after their raunchy sex scene (that lasted hours and hours of course) he marvels at her innocence. Really? Because two pages ago she was riding that callous penis like it was 1799!
Lynne Connolly said on 10.19.10 at 08:38 PM • [link]
Not arguing that callouses (I’m British, they’re callouses, okay?) are going a bit too far, but this thread is a perfect example of why authors shouldn’t read articles like this.
If I happened to be an author about to start writing a sex scene, I’d be completely befuzzled. If I can’t say all that, what CAN I say? And if I do that one okay, what do I say in the next one?
Phyllis L said on 10.21.10 at 08:56 PM • [link]
Tiny marines? Well of course they’re running around inside her channel; they’re seamen!
Anna said on 10.23.10 at 08:30 PM • [link]
Hehe it’s a phallus callus.
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