Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

Big men with big wood
Outlaws lurking in Sherwood
Always get all the chicks.

>< Okay so haiku are not my best form, but I’m feeling too lazy to go for a full Spenserian sonnet, which is my usual poetic oeuvre.

An outlaw who lived deep in Sherwood,
Will Scarlet would frequently make good.
Near a lady, I’d mention
He’d stand at attention
And as for his wood, well, it sure would!

... That was so bad, but it’s 2am, so, ah well.

Hmm, poetry’s never been my strong suit but I’ve always had a thing for the Robin Hood legend (Disney, Marsha Canham, BBC Robin Hood, and Mel Brooks), so I will make an attempt.

Robin Hood has many faces
Will has near as many.
With Maid Marian I’d trade places
Because, hell, I’d take any.

Sarah, what a wonderful review of a wonderful book - spot on, agree with everything you said, including the part about how cinematographic the book was. The action sequences were so much fun to read and of course, Will Scarlet was SUCH a hero. I too, loved the opening line and how it came back again later in the book, full circle.

The more I think about the book, the more I like it, definitely one of the highlights of my reading and reviewing year. 

(No need to enter me in the contest.)

There once was a man named Will Scarlett
Who sometimes would act like a varlet.
When a maiden named Meg
Flashed him far too much leg
He rose up and he called her a not-very-nice girl with an bad attitude and too much spunk for her own good.

I love all things Robin Hood, from Errol Flynn to Mel Brooks. And I can’t come up with anything because, running through my head the entire time I was reading the review?

We’re men,
We’re men in tights.
Tight, tights!!

On his wood
I could
With Robin Hood

Ok - so my mind is totally in the gutter - my hormones are running amok :-)

(although my capcha (sp?) is members81 - that maybe could tire me out! *g*)

I’m so ordering this from Amazon right now.  It sounds fanfreakingtastic.

I’d keep my gold in
my cleavage if I thought that
Will would retrieve it.

Obviously I’m not much good at poetry, but I once had a very bad date where we went to see Robin Hood (with Kevin Costner) I’d love a good book to wipe that episode from my mind.

I ordered it yesterday based on the Dear Author review. I loves me some medieval and I loves me my Robin Hood. When I saw your grade this morning it only made me happier.

This one sounds like a must-have.  I love the medieval period and am curious to read what sounds like a very original take on the Robin Hood story.  (No rhymes, alas, my brain just isn’t up to it this morning.)

Spamword:  nuclear14 Will and Meg have 14 explosive encounters?

I don’t do poetry…but I wanted to say YEAH to the review and YEAH to the book!  Definitely sounds like something I’d love, especially the heroine, frankly, who sounds fascinating.  Off to check if it’s available for the Kindle…

Not only available for the Kindle, but only $3.19!!!  Wahoo!

I’m glad you liked it!  I was intrigued when I heard the premise and was afraid of the treatment of Robin Hood in the story.  I always think of that cheesy show from the 1950s, and try and forget about the current show on BBC America.  Except for the guy playing Guy.  I love Richard Armitage. 

Ok, here goes my attempt:
Robin Hood is cool.
But Maid Marrian is better.
She’s friend with the Queen.

(Its from an episode of the 50s show)
(I like Jenyfer’s a lot.  Mostly because I agree with the sentiment)

Screw Robin! I always had a thing for the evil sheriff. Don’t get me started on BBC Robin Hood and the drop dead gorgeous Guy aka sex on a stick Richard Armitage.

ROBIN HOOD! “Solid gooooooold hubcaps!” This made my day! I’m definitely buying this, I collect Robin Hood books. (So far the best has been “Sherwood” by Parke Godwin. The Sheriff of Nottingham - I would any day. Robin too.)

big52 - too easy.

Okay…found this quote about Scarlet (check wikipedia!)

“He is the most skilled swordsman of the merry men” !!!

Tee hee.

And yeah, the sheriff always did it for me…who can forget Alan Rickman?!? But my fav Robin has to be Michael Praed from the “Robin of Sherwood” series in the early 80’s. Sigh.

Someone needs to remind me of this when I get my Kindle for Christmas! It sounds like a really great read.

Would Will meet Meg?
Will Will greet Meg
with Will wood.

Lame, I know, but I’d like to take a look at the book!  :)

Will Scarlet hates treez
Blind Meg duz her alchemeez
....??

Okay, total fail on the last line (anyone… anyone?  Bueller… Bueller?).  Sorry.  Brain dead.  Loved the review, must check out the book!

The Merry Men are merry
One and all.
Because Little John is not
so very small.

Mmmmmm… outlaws. This book sounds fabulous. Here’s my contribution to the cause:

Robin! Robin! Burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What mortal hand or eye
Could tame thy fearful symmetry?

Towards which lady’s bodice-ties
Burns the fire of thine eyes?
Who can make thee hard as rock?
What the hand dare seize the cock?

And whose coy, alluring arts,
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
Whose touch can raise your quarterstaff,
And also, perchance, make you laugh?

What the hammer? what the chain?
Could manacle both rod and brain?
Dare I reach beyond the bow
To the man who lies below?

One sight of thee, and I am lost,
I must have thee, whate’re the cost.
I’ll gladly brave thine outlaw fire,
To quench the flames of my desire.

Robin! Robin! Burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What mortal hand or eye
Could tame thy fearful symmetry?

Here goes nothing:

The Merry Men are truly forlorn
Young, beardless the weep and mourn
For some hot wooden heat
Any woman will entreat
The brooding sextasticness of Gisbourne.

A Really Bad Poem

(Don’t say I didn’t warn you!)

As an angsty teen, so woeful and sad,
I wrote such poetry, so woeful and bad,
That I swore off verse, so wooden and ... (Hmmmmm…can’t say bad again.  Fad dad glad mad schmad.  Oh, hell, schmad isn’t even a word!)

But this book I do covet—
I’m sure I would love it!
And I’m sure Will wood…er…shove it (Oh dear god!)
Too.

(If I promise to never write poetry again, can I have a book, please?)

“Young AND beardless THEY weep and mourn”

Got too caught up in linking to the right page I forgot to re-read.

Much as I would love to read this book, the muse hasn’t moved me this morning.  But damn!  Sarah F, that is amazing.

Oh you’ve found ye olde weak spot….

(with only the tiniest of apologies to Poe)
When I was a child and he was a child
in a city by the river,
I used to stalk my back garden
with arrows in a quiver. 

The neighbor boy would come to play.
He, in black eye patch
Would wring his hands and chuckle madly,
Evil plans to hatch. 

“Your shemes shall come to naught!” I cried.
Then from my tree, I did fly,
And fit an arrow to my bow
to take his other eye!

(True story…I once shot the neighbor boy in the eye with my suction cup bow and arrow while playing Robin Hood.  Dad had to be the Sheriff after that.)

Jessica Anderson: the last line is a piece of cake if you know what Will winds up making her do…

Will Scarlet hates trees
Blind Meg duz her alchemeez
And learns to say pleeze.

I’m cracking up here in the frozen colds of Wisconsin. Keep ‘em coming!

I’m a Robin Hood freak and I didn’t know about this book! WTF!
I can’t rwrite poetry but I can tell you I have the single largest(In Las Vegas at least) Collection of Robin Memorablia. Including normal (movie posters from all the different movies.) To the rare( and 18th century book on RH and a page from the Chicago Trib from 1939 with glorious full color whole page Errol Flynny goodness) and the just play strange(a thimble in the shape of an arrow)
I write my thesis paper on the Celtic myths in the Robin Hood legends and it was published by a literary journal.
I am Robin Hood Junkie. As me anything about the legend and I am so trivia princess. It’s a sickness, I know, but there are no Robin Hood intervention meetings. LOL
Oh and I have a 4 foot by 6 foot BBC AMerica bus stop sign featuring Jonas Armstrong.
Did I mention I love RH? LOL

While not 100% related to my love for all things Robin Hood (nor wood in general), I must say:

I screamed with laughter
at “He’s fucking Robin Hood
(adjective, not verb)”

What comes to my mind when ever Robin Hood is mentioned is the cartoon version - Rocket Robin Hood!

From the theme song

Band of brothers, marching together. Heads held high in all kinds of weather. With fiery blasts, our roaring rockets rise, beyond the Earth, beyond the skies! At the side of Robin, take your stand, with the gallant leader of our band. Send a joyous shout throughout the land! For Rocket Robin Hood!

I’ve just ordered this from amazon.co.uk, based on your review! It sounds fab.

And I looooove Sarah F’s William Blake/Robin Hood poem!

Thanks, jennyOH, but I can’t take full credit. I owe a debt to William Blake’s poem The Tyger. Alas, I’m better at parody than original verse. :)

I’ll give it a go…

Will Scarlet and the Merry Men
Did oft take women to their den
The women with the maiden eyes
Upon seeing their wood let out lusty cries

But Meg had eyes that didn’t see
Content to ply her alchemy
Oft was she in noble peril
But need not a hero of the name of Errol

Will Scarlet is the man for her
Danger and passion will endure
In finishing this tale Sarah is NOT a hater
She went to bed dreaming of Christian Slater

There’s my try. :)

Jenyfer Matthews for the win…love it!

The Prince of Thieves has got a pal
Who curses trees and raises hell.

When he comes upon a maiden fair,
She teaches him to have a care.

Through passions and flames their love sneaks softly.
We read it and smile.  Three Cheers for Carrie Lofty!

Maid Marian is not so merry
Although surrounded by men is she:
“Never thought I ‘twould be so dreary,
to sit beneath deep Sherwood tree.”
She sighs and broods and sighs some more,
while watching Robin’s men at play.
Here was none of the bed-hopping she’d hoped for,
These outlaws cling to each other and send her away.
She, pouting, watches their arms, their thighs,
their backs glistening in the English sun.
They wrestle, greek-style, under her greedy eyes:
“And Meg’s got the only straight one among ‘em!”

Another Robin Hood book rec is Robin McKinley’s Outlaws of Sherwood —Robin is actually a lousy shot, and all the band have really distinct personalities. I loved it growing up.

Will, you all know, was a bandit.
To bad rich guys, their ass, he would hand it.

He was number one in his heart,
Til he met a blind, stubborn tart.

As for sex, she doesn’t ask, but demands it.

Yes, once upon a time I too shared the same angsty adoration for Slater.
As for me, there is no other Robin than Flynn.

‘To wit: “Ohshitohshitohshit. Ok, play it cool.”’
This does not sound like the voice of those times. Not that I would know how to write an appropriate voice for the time period.

It still sounds like a gooooood book.

The age of chivalry
used language so flowery
(to the nth degree),
that Will could swear and still be
the gentleman he
was born to be.

Meg of Keyworth was quite dearth.
Were her experiments worth
her sister’s detention?
Dealing with Will increased the tension.

Could Meg beg her release from Will?
Would he be allowed to act on freewill?
Perhaps it’s better to consider instead
asking Robin Hood? Oh, the dread!

I’m reading this book even if I don’t win. Would it be too much to hope for that Lofty includes Gawain in a sequel? Chivalrous, idealistic, brooding with just a bit of angst, ahh my sweet Gawain, shall I assist you in removing your shining armor?

Deep within Sherwoods breast (heh heh)
Will Scarlet was taking his rest
Along came a coach
the ladys virtue he did poach
As a theif he’s among the best

“Fuck me, he cleared it!”

Now I want to watch my copy of Prince of Thieves.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Robins is too
Because Marian prefers the much hotter Guy of Gisbourne*

*Obviously I am expressing my love for the BBC’s Robin Hood and completely ignoring the end of season 2. Also, clearly, I fail at rhyming.

Historical romance is iffy,
but this one I’ll read in a jiffy.
Cuz the Bitches I trust,
This read is a must,
Since Sarah said so, it’s spiffy! (do I get alliteration points?)

or, even more execrable:

My wood is too big for your forest, Will did say,
Shaking his head with dismay.
Meg gave her head a toss,
Said, bring out the Burma Sauce,
Where there’s a Will, there’s a way!

Carrie wrote: the last line is a piece of cake if you know what Will winds up making her do…

Will Scarlet hates trees
Blind Meg duz her alchemeez
And learns to say pleeze.

ROFLOL!  Thanking you kindly for the collab.  I kept coming up with things that ended in ‘man cheeze,’ which didn’t seem right somehow…

.

There once was a Will from the forest,
He thieved and he stole from the richest.
One day he got groped,
With a blind girl eloped,
And now he has behbehs in earnest!

Okay, I had to stop reading this review halfway through as the book is on its way to me as I write. I got the notice of shipment from Amazon a couple of days ago and fully expect it in my mailbox today.

A big congrats to Carrie on her debut and on the excellent marketing campaign.

I’m in your guilded
treasurebox
saving your life, unh

Make me Marian?
And if so, can I then age
Like Audrey Hepburn?

I’d also like to share a song called Lonesome Robin that I first heard when Garrison Keillor sang it on the Rubarb Tour’s stop at the Indiana State Fair last August:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4MqWLgSjPg

I’m in your guilded
treasurebox
saving your life, unh

Roflmao! My fav!

“Fuck me, he cleared it”
Was totally an ad-lib.
God, I love Christian.

Sounds fantastic—I’m a sucker for explorations of secondary characters in popular fairy tales or classic stories.

Will was something of a tool
in fact some would say a fool
he got in a bind and shit he did find
so he channeled Fonzi and said
“play it cool”

or

Middle aged women
who are shaped like a tater
sure get hot when you
mention Chris Slater!

My spamword is “head32”:
No relation to Sherwood, ‘tis true;
But the cookbook on sperm,
Though it makes us all squirm,
Could use some of head32’s goo.

Terrible, I know, but I want a shot at this book!  Sarah F.‘s Blake parody wins hands down, though.

I’m not poetic.  I just want to read this book.  Right.  Now.

Thanks for the review!

Robin Hood? Romance Novels?  Christian SLater!? I’m so excited I’m speaking in Iambic Pentameter!!

I always have loved outlaws since a child
And Robin Hood does set my heart aflame
And when I say heart I do mean, well it isn’t mild
But yaknow, oulaws, how can I be blamed?

Before I finished your review I had
Already checked my library’s site
But Lofty’s book was absent, I’m so sad!
To win it in a contest would make my night.

A romance about Will Scarlet and the wood
Sherwood of course, its men and trees
Would thrill me on more levels than it should
And make writing sonnets a total breeze.

So does ambition win me a contest?
To win this book I’ve surely tried my best.

But my fav Robin has to be Michael Praed from the “Robin of Sherwood” series in the early 80’s. Sigh.

Oh, God yes! Love him, love the show and Ray Winstone is a *brilliant* Will Scarlet.

But I also have a sneaking love for Kevin and Christian in Prince of Thieves, rip-off of RoS though it was. And I loved that line by Christian, always very funny, especially with the little chuckle after it. Except I’ve never heard him say “Fuck me!”. I’ve only ever heard him say “Blimey!” I wonder have I only ever seen the pre-watershed version. I would so prefer the other one!

Poets and bards like to tell us
That men in love are foolish and jealous
But the men of Sherwood are not so dense
The wood they carry gives them confidence

(made no sense whatsoever -_-)

Sherwood forest, can it be
That you will hold a book for me,
A book to inspire, to move, to amaze
A book in which Meg sets you abaze?

Ah, Al_the_Girl, you beat me to it.  ROOO-CKET ROOO-BIN HOOOOOD!

Since I’ve figured out how to do the links properly, anyone who wants to, needs to, MUST hear the wonder that is: The Rocket Robin Hood theme, here it is.

I want a book, please.

My poetic skills are minimal, and sadly, the only Robin Hood-related verse I can think of is a jingle from a Weetabix advertisement that aired on British TV in the early 90s.  It began,

“Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding through the glen,
Robin Hood, Robin Hood, and his Merry Men…
[something, something, something]
Does he retreat back to Sherwood
As he should, as he should, as he should?
Robin Hood, Robin Hood, knows he’s in a fix,
Robin Hood, Robin Hood, spies the Weetabix…”

I don’t think breakfast cereal adds much to the romance.  The book sounds fantastic, though.

“Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding through the glen,
Robin Hood, Robin Hood, with his band of Men…
Feared by the bad, loved by the good
Robin Hood, Robin Hood, Robin Hood.

Robin Hood, Robin Hood, knows he’s in a fix,
Robin Hood, Robin Hood, spies the Weetabix…
Should he retreat back to Sherwood
Course he should, course he should, course he should?”

And Robin flees back to Sherwood in fear of the Weetabix-filled soldiers. I loved that ad.

Hooded wooded man of class
large of testicle, made of brass.
His fellows so fine, all of them merry
One named of Scarlet, like oak, not cherry.

Smooth with his staff, and his staff so smooth
that even the friar could appreciate his move
A price on his head, the one up above
He’ll risk all for Meg, his lady of love

So dashing, so daring, so damned well-hung
Meg screams but one name from her quivering tongue
It isn’t fair Robin, or e’en Friar Tuck
It’s only Will Scarlet Lady Meg will Phuck

My wood is too big for your forest, Will did say,
Shaking his head with dismay.
Meg gave her head a toss,
Said, bring out the Burma Sauce,
Where there’s a Will, there’s a way!

mzspell, that is hilarious! intertextuality FTW.

... this book sounds AMAZING.

He flies through the air on a vine made from wood
That dashing young scoundrel named Robin the Hood.
He swordfights and shoots to win arrows of gold
And Marian’s heart, back in days of Ye Olde.

Will Scarlet was with him, and full of much snark
He thought forest living was so not a lark
With prickles, and wild beasts, and no decent food
Till Robin said, “Will, there’s a lass to be wooed!”

And since I’m home sick today, I think I’ll watch my copy of The Adventures of Robin Hood. The one with Errol Flynn, because I’m that much of an old-school freak.

I want to read this. Right. Now!

I’d pen a poem, but I’m too busy screaming fangirly at all things Robin Hood right now. xD

Smooth with his staff, and his staff so smooth
that even the friar could appreciate his move
A price on his head, the one up above
He’ll risk all for Meg, his lady of love

Ha! Awesome.

This sounds good.  Fellow Robin Hood lovers, check out Lady of the Forest by Jennifer Roberson.  Robin comes back from the Crusades with a bad case of PTSD.  Also, he’s so cute, even King Richard has a crush on him.

It was in 5th Grade, I believe,
That I first saw the Prince of Thieves.
And that’s when I first understood
The awesomeness of Robin Hood.

So now in rhyme I’ve come to plead
To win this book I have to read.
Tho’ I just learned that it existed,
I know it cannot be resisted.

Indeed, how can I begin
To sing the praise of Errol Flynn?
And Disney’s fox, so smart and sly!
(Oo-de-lally was his cry).

For years, I’ve sought in film and book
The tales of this most-famous crook.
There’s one above them all I love
(For blurb and title, see above).

ACK!  I messed up my poem!  Here is the fixed version:

It was in 5th Grade, I believe,
That I first saw the Prince of Thieves.
And that’s when I first understood
The awesomeness of Robin Hood.

Indeed, how can I begin
To sing the praise of Errol Flynn?
And Disney’s fox, so smart and sly!
(Oo-de-lally was his cry).

For years, I’ve sought in film and book
The tales of this most-famous crook.
There’s one above them all I love
(For blurb and title, see above). 

So now in rhyme I’ve come to plead
To win this book I have to read.
Tho’ I just learned that it existed,
I know it cannot be resisted.

Mzspell kind of beat me to it, but ....

When they take it from the rich
When they give it to the poor
Robin gets to scratch his itch
And Merry Men all scream for more…
Burma Sauce!

The forester asked Meg if she would
Apply a sweet kiss to his wee wood.
The idea was thrilling,
But she wasn’t quite willing,
But if she wouldn’t do it then he would.

Oops! I didn’t know full names were posted. Would you remove my last name please?

In Sherwood F., long, long ago,
Was a story told that you all know.
Yet this new retelling
With Lofty grand spelling
Is a tale that will surely soon grow.

I want to read this!

Er, clarification request—I’m pretty sure this is wishful thinking, since I can’t think of a single poem for this contest, but are the winners going to be decided at random or by which poem you Smart Bitches like best?

Everything is better with Alan Rickman in it! Right Julie??

They also have it for download to the sony ereader, so I am going to put it on mine. I can’t wait to read this!

An Ode to Meg and Will

Meg of Keyworth was in (S)herwood where
Will Scarlet wanted to get his wood in her

Hey Nonny Nonny Ho

Will truly thought Meg had a “key” worth having
And was most keen to pick her lock

Hey Nonny Nonny Ho

It was for his health, after all.  Will needed a change -
Meg had given the warning; “stop it or you’ll go blind!”

Hey Nonny Nonny Ho
Hey Nonny Nonny Ho

Oh, that’s bad….

Are there prizes for the worst poetry????

I must have this book
Who doesn’t love the classic
Robin Wood um…Hood?!

Here’s my very poor attempt (it’s been a long day - you’ve been warned):

Oh, Robin is a classic tale but
Meg is a new twist upon it.
Gone are the Disney foxes and
Bears are replaced by hot wit.
O can Meg find Will among the Sherwood
Or will Robin interfere?
Knowing Meg, she might find
Not just Will but Robin dear.
Oh how can she decide which one-
Wood might need to appear.
!

I rather liked the fox
But this sounds so intriguing
Jewey’s got good taste

yaa that’s the best I’ve got.  No I don’t care that Sarah is Jewish, I just remember her calling herself that at one point and thought it was funny. 

spamword:Finally77. Perhaps I’ll finally, after 77 tries, win something on SBTB?

Oooh, if pleas are accepted, then I’ll add OMG BOOK NOW PLZ K THANX BAI! to my poetry entry above, just for good measure!

Killer review, Sarah.  I just found out about this title last week, but I was kind of iffy.  Not so much now ;)  Can’t wait to read it.

The first book I read about Robin Hood was a collection of legends - no romance, just Robin Hood stories.  I haven’t cared for any of the film adaptations, but I do love Christian Slater !

Sorry, no poetic contributions.

Ok, so I already entered my poem, but I’ve been reading the comments and loving the fact that I’ve read every Robin Hood book everybody has mentioned and seen most of the movies.  So might I recommend The Forestwife by Theresa Tomlinson?  It’s young adultish.  Maid Marian runs away from an arranged marriage to become a free-wheeling mother of the woods healer type.  SO Good.  Love Robin Hood!!

Me too!

And can’t forget. Under the Wild Moon by Diane Carey, *sigh* Will Scarlet.