Vampires, Skinny Women, Buxom Women, and a Big Belt Buckle

Bitchin' Blog Posts

by SB Sarah | by SB Sarah | September 25, 2007 | Tuesday at 1:05 am | 47 Comments

I received a PR notice about a new CBS Show called “Moonlight”, which, according to the release, is about “Mick St. John (Alex O’Loughlin), a captivating, charming and immortal private investigator from Los Angeles who defies the traditional blood-sucking norms of his vampire tendencies by using his wit and powerful supernatural abilities to help the living.”

Check out the publicity photo and let’s count the verbal and visual vampire clichÃ©s as I assign random point values to each!

1 pt: “Saint X” in the last name of the hero - subtle reinforcement of heroic character!

2 pts: crossing vampire with private investigator to come up with angsty secretive reinforcement of heroic character! As my television guru says, it’s Angel plus additional Law & Order angst and drama - it’s Law & Order: Vampire Unit with, I suspect, emphasis on the vampire’s unit.

10000000 pts: That looks suspiciously like a MULLET! On PRIME TIME! I think I have to go lie down from the overwhelming awesomeness.

3 pts: Wayne Newton belt buckle - subtle reinforcement of… I have no idea.

2 pts: Extremely skinny woman in skin-tight dress showing off the fact that if she turns to the side, you can barely see her. Subtle reinforcement of unattainable body image for women. Mortal women.

3 pts: Additional skinny yet supremely buxom woman with unflattering wide-legged pants and anorak - to contrast with extremely skinny woman. Subtle reinforcement of L.L. Bean attire as unflattering fashion choice? (Does L.L. Bean sell silver anoraks?)

4 pts: Can we talk some more about St. Hero’s attire? Black shirt, black jacket, black pants, silver sparkly belt buckle? He’s like a superhero… IN HIS PANTS.

3 pts: Completely nondescript male sidekick.

1 pt: Sidekick’s shirt is too tight.

1 pt: Sidekick’s pants are too long.

3 pts: Nice placemen of big silver phallus emerging from St. Angst Superhero’s tushy, eh? Subtle reinforcement of gay subtext? I can only hope so!

Filed: But...that's not really about romance novels, The Link-O-Lator

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Robyn said on 09.25.07 at 01:54 AM • [link]

Haven’t they already done this? It was called “Forever Knight’ or something like that. Vamp police detective hero, his sexy partner, and a pretty semi-love interest coroner, whom he wound up draining in the last show. It was awesome.
Tamar said on 09.25.07 at 02:16 AM • [link]

Erm, I don’t disagree about the cliche-riddled show premise but said nondescript sidekick is actually the guy who played Logan on Veronica Mars. Not necessarily that much to look at, but incredibly charismatic onscreen (also a very good actor).
veinglory said on 09.25.07 at 02:22 AM • [link]

I was going to say, no need to mix shows—it’s Forever Knight, redux.

Is it just me or does the brunette chick have a huge head?
Anna said on 09.25.07 at 02:24 AM • [link]

Oh, my. That’s a horrible publicity photo. I’m hoping the show is better. As Tamar mentions, the sidekick is a pretty charismatic actor.
desertwillow said on 09.25.07 at 02:34 AM • [link]

Sounds like Forever Knight. Do you suppose they have historical flashbacks?
Darlene Marshall said on 09.25.07 at 02:42 AM • [link]

This guy is sooooo not doing it for me. *Sigh* My imagination is better than Hollywood’s reality.
Alecto said on 09.25.07 at 02:45 AM • [link]

Is it just me or does the brunette chick have a huge head?

That, or the photoshoppers on the promo team whittled her body down too small.

And century15 is a most apt word for a show about a vampire. I swear that thing is sentient.
Marta Acosta said on 09.25.07 at 02:46 AM • [link]

Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, the Percocet has addled your delicate little brain. This photo is a diabolically clever assemblage of important messages.

-“Saint” in the last name is a prayer that the show will succeed. It’s the Hollywood equivalent of lighting a candle to St. Anthony.

-Crossing a vampire with a private investigator is an homage to Raymond Chandler. His PI’s were embalmed most of the time. So look for witty lines of hardboiled cynicism.

-The Wayne Newton belt buckle is an allusion to “Ferris Buellar’s Day Off.” You may recall the joyous scene where Ferris sings “Danke Schoen,” the big Newton hit. The producers have said this is a lighthearted show and is their way of cuing fun-fun-fun to the audience. I’m looking forward to the shower with soap Mohawk scene!

-Extremely skinny women with big heads are called lollypops. “And dream away,dream away” is the chorus of Shirley Temple’s “The Good Ship Lollypop.” This crazy bitch tells you it’s a fantasy.

-The anorak signifies that there will be frequent scenes with rain. The bell bottoms capitalize on the new Tim Gunn show—balance out your top with your bottom. They’re seeking an audience who cares about fashion. And vampires. And Wayne Newton. And ‘30s child stars.
ArkansasCyndi said on 09.25.07 at 02:47 AM • [link]

Umm what about those black gloves on the WAYYY too skinny chick? Are aren’t her shoes made for chasing the bad guys? Reminds of my hospital shows where they put the nurses in white high-heels!
Molly said on 09.25.07 at 02:58 AM • [link]

*goes to site, only looks at names and images*

My guess is that Beth Turner will be the primary female crime-solver and have an epic romance with Josef. Mick St. John will have an eternal will they-won’t they UST with Coraline, which won’t be resolved until (maybe) they receive a Cease and Desist order from Neil Gaiman’s lawyers.

Or not, since Neil has failed to sic his lawyers on various Tim Hunter copies.
JulieB said on 09.25.07 at 03:12 AM • [link]

Note where the subtle silver phallus (which is almost as much fun to type as it is to say)is pointed; at anorak-woman’s booty.

But “anorak;” I thought that was translated as a “parka.” “Tu n’as pas ton anorak?”
(A few chapters after the famous: “Bonjour Phillip!”
“Bonjour Alice! Ca va?”
“Oui ca va, et toi?”
“Pas mal!” Dialogue so many of us sweated over.)

Also, what is the subtext of the nipple on the lollypop lady?
Angel said on 09.25.07 at 03:18 AM • [link]

Private investigator vampire? Check. All black attire? Check. Hottie chicks and a male side-kick? Check.

Yes. It’s Angel: The Rip-Off.

Dear St. Hero,

Being a broody P.I. vamp all dressed in black isn’t cool unless you’ve got a soul, a witty and charming Cordelia around to make fun of you, and awesome writers who poke fun at you lots and lots whilst maintaining your pathos.

I hate that I’m going to be forced to watch your stupid show because of
~~Logan Echolls~~
Jason Dohring. Grrrr.

P.S. Bet you weren’t ever called the Scourge of Europe!
Diane said on 09.25.07 at 03:28 AM • [link]

Is it just me or does the brunette chick have a huge head?

Weirdly—and this must have something to do with how bodies actually appear on screen—most of the actors I met in Hollywood had heads that were much too big in proportion for their bodies. I don’t know whether it’s because you can’t diet down the size of your head, but it’s a common phenomenon.
Ann Bruce said on 09.25.07 at 03:43 AM • [link]

My comment for “C’est Magnifique!” applies for this as well:

Les FranÃ§ais ont un mot pour dire cela: fromage.

I’m so glad I never bothered to get cable.
TezMillerOz said on 09.25.07 at 05:10 AM • [link]

The lead actor has a mullet? Well, he is Australian… ;-)

Have a lovely day! :-)
Meggrs said on 09.25.07 at 05:36 AM • [link]

Damn! Alex O’Loughlin was HOT on The Shield—what the bloody hell happened?
Bron said on 09.25.07 at 06:04 AM • [link]

Maybe it’s the camera angle… or maybe somebody squashed the image down - but don’t they all look rather on the short side??

It’s almost enough to make me think height-challenged me might have a career in Hollywood.

(I’d just have to reduce my age by at least 10 years, and my weight by… too much too contemplate.)
JaniceG said on 09.25.07 at 06:17 AM • [link]

Not just “Forever Knight,” but also very similar episodes, I bet, to the current Lifetime series “Blood Ties” based on the Tanya Huff novels.
Elizabeth said on 09.25.07 at 06:22 AM • [link]

Why does it look as if someone chopped off Sophia Myles’ feet and stuffed them down her bra?
P.N. Elrod said on 09.25.07 at 07:02 AM • [link]

It owes some to Forever Knight, but I strongly suspect some network Suit read my Vampire Files series and made enough surface changes so a) they wouldn’t have to pay me; b) I wouldn’t be able to sue.

Angel had similarities to my stuff but I totally adore Joss Whedon and would bear his children.

My agent and I will be watching this one.
Sandra Schwab said on 09.25.07 at 07:14 AM • [link]

This guy is sooooo not doing it for me. *Sigh*

Mr. oooh-oh-oh-I’m-so-tortured-and-so-must-run-around-with-sad-little-puppy-face? Nah, he’s doing nothing for me either. The sidekick, though, is sort of cute.

I’ll stick to Blood Ties and the incredibly hot Henry. :)
Teddypig said on 09.25.07 at 07:15 AM • [link]

Belt buckle the size of a dinner plate.

Snausages!

Pointy Collar Alert!

What no black lace?
dl said on 09.25.07 at 07:33 AM • [link]

For shame, who dressed this wardrobe disaster? The skinny one is too formal, the stocky one is dressed for taking the kids to Walmart, the sidekick is kinda cute (sans clothes please), and the star…eeeek…were they trying for aa Wayne Newton look alike? I’ll have nightmares tonight for sure.

Quick, somebody call the fashion police.
dl said on 09.25.07 at 07:34 AM • [link]

Teddy…the skinny one has the black lace.
Katie Dickson said on 09.25.07 at 08:26 AM • [link]

I am terribly, terribly depressed that the two awful looking women are in fact two decent movie actresses: Shannyn Sossamon and Sophia Myles.

Blah. My day is ruined.
Ishie said on 09.25.07 at 08:40 AM • [link]

I don’t know if this is one of them, but are there any books/movies/tv shows where the vampires are not evil but are like “Geeze, it’s great to be a vampire. Why spend all my time brooding and trying to throw-down with my inevitably evil brethren, when I can look young forever, do whatever I want because I have all the time in the world, and get hot young goth chicks to make out with me because I have fangs? And if I want to end it all, hell, it’s easier for me than most people. Hello, sunrise!”?

Because I would totally read/watch that.
JaniceG said on 09.25.07 at 09:27 AM • [link]

are there any books/movies/tv shows where the vampires are not evil but are like â€œGeeze, itâ€™s great to be a vampire. [snip]” Because I would totally read/watch that.

Sounds like you would enjoy the MaryJanice Davidson series starting with Unwed and Undead. I found the heroine a little too shallow and self-centered myself but friends of mine love these.
DS said on 09.25.07 at 12:21 PM • [link]

Oh, great. Now I am going to be forced to pronounce his name as Sinjun by that obsession I have (which I think has its roots in a Louisa May Alcott book) and no one I know will have any idea who I am talking about.

This show was sold as a “concept” not a story so I have a feeling that it is probably doomed. At least I have the other 13 episodes of Blood Ties to look forward to this fall.

Did anyone else see the 1989 pilot for Forever Knight that starred Rick Springfield?
Miranda said on 09.25.07 at 12:33 PM • [link]

when I can look young forever, do whatever I want because I have all the time in the world, and get hot young goth chicks to make out with me because I have fangs? And if I want to end it all,

Nick Knight’s Sire/Nemesis, LaCroix, was pretty chipper about being a vampire. (My favorite line was when they were hiding out in the 1800’s and ran into some escaped prisoners. LaCroix: “They’re expendable. They’re lunch.” Actually, most of them were happy about it except Nick.
Jackie said on 09.25.07 at 03:03 PM • [link]

What’s really sad is I know I’m going to watch it. I loved FOREVER KNIGHT (until it got silly, even for it). I’ll have to try this one.

What is it about networks rehashing older shows? I recorded JOURNEYMAN last night because it looks eerily similar to QUANTUM LEAP, which I absolutely adored. Ah, Scott Bakula…
lisabea said on 09.25.07 at 03:36 PM • [link]

Hey the blond looks like me (ok, 10 years ago) and she is NOT stocky. She’s just breasty. Big Dif. Plus she’s in the same photo as that skinny bitch lollipop head, which we know adds 20 pounds.

I’d watch this if those gay dudes get it on…
Brianna said on 09.25.07 at 03:55 PM • [link]

“I am terribly, terribly depressed that the two awful looking women are in fact two decent movie actresses: Shannyn Sossamon and Sophia Myles”

THAT’S Shannyn Sossamon!!!! What the h*ll happened to her head??! She didn’t look like that in A Knight’s Tale. Crazy hair maybe but not abnormally large noggin.
monimala said on 09.25.07 at 04:42 PM • [link]

Moonlight is awful. It’s every bad vampire romance ever written and a total knockoff of FK and Angel. As for Jason Dohring? He’s definitely terrible in the pilot and miscast as a 400 year old vamp. Last I checked, Eastern European guys named “Josef” should not sound like they were just out ridin’ the monster waves, Duuuuude.

Love Sophia Myles and the lead guy, though. Too bad they’re in such a crap project.
Charlene said on 09.25.07 at 05:18 PM • [link]

Nice pants for chasing someone, Miss CoverMyToes.

DOES NOBODY IN HOLLYWOOD KNOW A TAILOR?
Robin L. Rotham said on 09.25.07 at 05:25 PM • [link]

Is it me or is the sidekick really Dana Carvey? That could add a much-needed twist to this show.
ladypeyton said on 09.25.07 at 07:04 PM • [link]

HAY!

I’ll have you know that that “nondescript” sidekick is the reason I’m watching the show! The actor was great on Veronica Mars and I’m hoping he’s half as snarky as he was then. Well I’m also watching because I’m obsessed with anything vampire on television and even though I know in my heart that the show will be cancelled in 3 episodes (it’s on FOX after all) I need to show my support.

The bad fit was probably caused by the fact that his role was recast from an old guy a month ago and he’s been so busy reshooting scenes for the pilot that he didn’t have time for tailoring.
Marta Acosta said on 09.25.07 at 07:49 PM • [link]

DL, I know what you’re talking about. you got the compulsion to pronounce St. John as “Sin-gin” from JANE EYRE. You may recall that she meets her distant relatives, including St. John Rivers. You probably saw a film adaptation and heard the “sin-gin” pronounciation.”

Well, as the song goes, it’s gin, gin, gin, that makes me want to sin…
JC Wilder said on 09.25.07 at 09:14 PM • [link]

St. Hero’s hair is very Bee Gees, circa 1978.
Chrissy said on 09.25.07 at 10:30 PM • [link]

The only way they could be more blatant would be if the sparkly belt buckle doubled as a cock ring and his little vamp came popping out.
Lauren said on 09.26.07 at 01:33 AM • [link]

UGhhhhhhh. Almost every new show this season is pretty much a rehash of old series. Journeyman is like Quantum Leap meets Slaughterhouse 5 in a way. Moonlight is Blood Ties is Angel is Forever Knight ( and I LOVED Forever Knight).

Dude, CBS, really now. I stopped when the Nanny ended and the only time I will now watch you is when Swingtown airs and I can see my pretty pretty sexy velvet voiced Jack Davenport.
CMc said on 09.26.07 at 02:21 AM • [link]

I hadn’t thought of Forever Knight in years - a show where Toronto plays itself!

I looked it up on Wikipedia to jog my memory (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forever_Knight) and discovered that it’s been released on DVD. I don’t know how to insert photos here but OMG, cheesiest covers ever! Which is weird given that the photo of the show on Wiki is so cool. (Do a Google Images search to see the pictures).
Yvonne said on 09.26.07 at 03:28 AM • [link]

*sigh*
I still love Rick Springfield.
*sigh*
Elizabeth said on 09.26.07 at 04:38 AM • [link]

Oh, great. Now I am going to be forced to pronounce his name as Sinjun by that obsession I have (which I think has its roots in a Louisa May Alcott book) and no one I know will have any idea who I am talking about.

Ah, yes. Sinjin. Or, sometimes in Elswyth Thane books, Sinjie. I love the name, but none of my friends can ever figure out how one gets THAT pronounciation from THAT spelling.
Elizabeth said on 09.26.07 at 08:51 AM • [link]

You’re right, they are really short. I was just about to comment that it looked like a weird hobbit vampire show.
vicki said on 09.26.07 at 04:19 PM • [link]

Now I’ll have to watch it just to see Logan again!
Apparently the hero is 6’ 1”, and I agree JC Wilder, that hair is very Bee Gees!
How on earth did they manage to make such good looking people look so awful?
DS said on 09.30.07 at 12:38 AM • [link]

Had to post this. I watched it and did a quick consensus of people I know who watched it. Unless it perks up we unanimously gave it 3 more episodes. The surprise twist was telegraphed way too hard and the characters were cream cheese bland.

One friend had a theory that they shot a bunch of scenes without any coherent world building then tried to piece them into a story. Did wonder why early in the show he had to inject the blood. Did I miss something?
Melissa said on 09.30.07 at 01:36 AM • [link]

I have to agree with DS. I watched the show last night while chatting via MSN with a good friend. We both give it about 3-4 more episodes before being yanked.

I saw parts taken from Forever Knight (both series and original movie), Angel, and even the movie Sin City.