Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

After reading the last Kushiel book…. phallus. And for her? Cleft.

I’m a big fan of dick (heh). I use it along with cock and shaft. Though I use dick mostly in the male pov because I find men will refer to their members as dick more often than a woman will use that term. Plus, dick can also be flung as a derogatory term—dickhead or you’re a dick. Whee! Multiple word usage!

What methods of describing the erect penis have you read, or written, recently?

None, actually.  I’ve been reading a lot of Rick Riordan lately, both his YA series and his mystery novels for adults, and while the latter do have some sex, it isn’t described in detail.

As for my own WIP, the sex scene occurs off-stage.

Ah let’s see then, I’ve used cock, member, shaft and on the rare occasion: penis.  I find ‘penis’ just isn’t a good sounding word in the context of any scene. It would be the same as writing this big intense passionate scene and sneaking the word ‘booger’ in there. (laughs)

It’s just jarring and doesn’t flow well. Too academic sounding I guess.

I’ve been using “shaft” more lately.  And nautical references like “spar”, “mast”,  “harpoon” or “belaying pin”  always come in handy.[g]

Nancy—I agree!  I read “penis” in a book yesterday and it stalled my reading. After all of the other descriptions in the book, it became very clinical sounding.

I have been seeing a lot of reference to shafts, silky velvet shafts, cocks, silky skin with steel beneath, throbbing cocks…

my, there is a lot of penis in my reading as of late!

Shaft and cock seem to be the euphemisms I’ve come across lately and put rather bluntly without benefit of silky coverings. However, I have discovered this handy-dandy web site with lots of fodder for…well…every word it’s ever been called. And since it won’t let me post a nice, clean link, I’ll just have to fool the spambot filters. *bwahahaha*

www. starma. com/penis/ penis.html

Delete the spaces, obviously.

Also for protection of the manly member, here is a fun link about spray on condoms:  http://inventorspot.com/articles/sprayon_snug_fit_condom_all_size_8577

I recently took an online workshop and one of the participants who apparently was writing a paranormal erotic story posted a paragraph about a creature with a knee-length throbbing purple phallus.  My reaction was that the heroine should run, not walk, and tell the creature in no uncertain terms “Ewww. Do not come near me with that thing!”

I snorted about that for weeks.

I called my husband a pecker last night, does that count?

Let’s see… last night, during my revisions, I wrote, “That part of him that made him male.”  Talk about tip-toeing around the penis bush there.

Oh, wait, that came out all kinds of wrong.

a knee-length throbbing purple phallus

Absolute proof that there is such a thing as too. much. cock.

Talk about tip-toeing around the penis bush there.

That actually made me snort. I’m still giggling. My coworkers must think I’m nuts. *grins*

“What methods of describing the erect penis have you read, or written, recently?”

I like to use cock when I write (yes, that could be construed in many ways, but I was speaking of the word, people! ;)). It’s blunt, to the point, and, IMO, creates an instant visual picture. To me, penis almost sounds like an apologetic word, and “manhood” has annoyed me since the 80’s.

I’ve read “dragon” in a Jade Lee book.  I think Jondalar called his a woman-maker.  Haha.

And I wrote something about a guy “getting his wick dipped” the other day.

The funniest one I have ever heard, which always makes me spit out my coffee, was from a fanfic:  “mushroom of pleasure.”  A close runner-up that I saw in the Lord of the Rings fandom, by a published author no less, Legolas sports an “elfhood.”  Now that’s all sorts of unintentionally funny.

Manhood goes over well in a lot of historical situations and I see that a lot.  I have also seen “groin” as a euphemistic workaround but I think that’s just avoiding things.  “Sword” is also used, in historical situations.  I read a very well-done science fiction story from years ago, “The Ice people” by Rene Barjavel, translated from the French: “the sword of his desire” - I imagine the original was “l’epee de son desire” which sounds just as good.  It was a beautifully written (or I should say, translated) story.

In most of the stories, the standby is “cock.”  For some reason, mixing “cock” and “dick” is sort of like using aspirin and tylenol for the same cold, so I don’t like to see that in a story.  Either the guy has a cock or a dick, he can’t have both.

Unfortunately, I seem to have been reading too many bad 80’s stories lately.

His Jade Pagoda- which is usually used to describe a woman so that had me going WTFBBQ?

His love candle- I wondered if she’d describe it as “melting” when he finally went limp.

His “maleness”- Just huh?

And all this reminds me of some things I’d rather not remember from when I was younger, including a male writer with the line “Her center of gravity was her twat”. “Her center”- way fucked up anatomy there!, “Her slit”, and so on. And sex in college being described by a friend of my roommate as “bumping uglies” or a come-on line “Want to trade diseases?”

Is it no surprise that the people in college nearly put me off sex for life?

In my works, I go back and forth between cock, erection and penis. I LURVE me some dick (both in stories and real life and am seriously thinking about Sarah’s decorating scheme) as it’s got a direct harsh feel to it and creates an instant image, but my publisher isn’t down with dick. Hee hee!

Penis has never bothered me at all and sounds sexy to my ears. I’m very over manroot, manhood, purple helmeted warriors of love.

my word: appear45 - dear God I hope not, I’m only 34!!!

a knee-length throbbing purple phallus

O.k. people…sing with me now [oh, you know you want to]:

“He had a one-eyed, one horned, flying knee-length purple phallaus -
A one-eyed, one horned, flying knee-length puuurple phallus -
A one-eyed, one horned, flying knee-length puuurple phallus -
And it sure looked strange to meeee!”

And Joanna S. wins the thread

showed14:  apparently so.

Hmmmm..

It might be a good theme for a SBTN Valentine`s day contest to invent some new phallactic euphanisms.

The SBTN `Let`s Dick Around` Contest.
Prick your imagination for new ways to describe Little Elvis!
Winner gets stiffed!

The hubby just informed me of one I haven’t heard yet: tube steak. And apparently it can be covered in gravy. Don’t see that one making it in my books.

Jeaniene Frost :

I like to use cock when I write (yes, that could be construed in many ways, but I was speaking of the word, people! ;)).

So you’re saying your Pen is mightier than the sword? ;-)

It’s blunt, to the point,

Usually.  :>

I like “cock”.  “Penis” sounds clinical, generally speaking, and “dick” tends to bring to mind either junior high or Richard Nixon, so that’s a no go.  It seems most Blazes uses cock lately.  The phrase I loathe, “velvet-covered manhood” has appeared in about a hundred novels recently, and is awful.  Maybe there was something in the kool-aid aid at the RWA?  I have no idea, but each time I grit my teeth. 

As for the ladies, does anyone else hate “womb”?  I see it a lot in historicals, and even some contemporaries, where the velvet-covered manhood touches her in the womb.  First of all. What? Second of all. Gross.  Third of all.  That reminds me, heroine and hero, are you using protection?

Ugh. Womb. Hate that word. I’m a cock user here too (Wow… these sentences just automatically lend themselves to the gutter, do they not?) Although I love love love the term “bumpin’ uglies” and I’ve used that one for years now. Not sure I’d use it in a book though, but I wouldn’t rule it out.

Speaking of decor (and I probably should never admit this, especially since I can’t post anonymously), someone once sent me this Dick Pic. It was like a bouquet of cocks, I suppose photoshopped or something. You really got a um… feel… for the various shapes, sizes, textures and colors. And there near the middle of this particularly questionable “art” was one that looked on the green side of beige. I’m not kidding either. I just thought: Mr. Man, they have shots for green peni now.”

I do remember back in 10th grade Biology asking Coach Cooper if the proper term for penis plural was penises or peni. (I did this on a dare.) He, however, referred me to my English teacher. The wimp.

And I do believe this is most I’ve ever typed in my life about Throbbing Man Love Handle.

(my word: degree44 - getting sweaty in here?)

I hate when people use “Womb.”  It’s like, “OW WHERE DID HER CERVIX GO?”

Also, I was raised by devout Roman Catholics… so “womb” makes me think of Mother Mary.

I read a book, from Spice, I believe, that was about geisha, and they kept referring to it as “his jade stalk,” which made me wonder why his dick was green, and “most honorable penis,” which made me wonder if he won a contest or something.

I recently took an online workshop and one of the participants who apparently was writing a paranormal erotic story posted a paragraph about a creature with a knee-length throbbing purple phallus.  My reaction was that the heroine should run, not walk, and tell the creature in no uncertain terms “Ewww. Do not come near me with that thing!”

Knee length??? Oh dear. (runs screaming)

‘He was a one eyed, one horned, flying purple…’
No. No. Just…no.

O.k. people…sing with me now [oh, you know you want to]:

“He had a one-eyed, one horned, flying knee-length purple phallaus -
A one-eyed, one horned, flying knee-length puuurple phallus -
A one-eyed, one horned, flying knee-length puuurple phallus -
And it sure looked strange to meeee!”

(dies) Joanna! We’re of one mind! (laughs and sings along)

From m/m land:

penis
cock (most common)
dick
prick
boner
pecker
hard-on (or hard-on or hardon)
erection
manhood
tumescence
hardness
shaft
love tool
love meat
love organ
meat
tube
tube steak
pole
rod
hose pipe
stick
shalong
wong
man muscle
fuck muscle
trouser snake

I prefer cock, myself.

On ‘jade stalk’, remember that jade is not necessarily green;  nephrite jade commonly occurs in white and cream colour, though not, I think, in purple. 
One point that may be worth making here is that the colloquial-to-crude terms vary somewhat between different dialects.  ‘Dick’ is used far less in British English than in American. 
I dislike the term ‘cock’ fairly heartily, and while flowery euphemisms are tiresome, reading about cocks makes me think of smutty, sniggering schoolboys rather than erotic bliss.  This is probably both cultural and generational.

Here’s one I had forgotten:  “arousal.”  As if you can morph that into the other thing.  “She stroked his arousal to full tumescence!”

@Brenda Bradshaw: I recently learned that the proper plural for “penis” is “penes,” but dictionaries list “penises” too.

I remember using “manhood” as a teenager and then switching to “erection” and “cock” as an adult. I’m pretty sure I’m guilty of quite a few “throbbing” offences too. It’s a lot easier writing for the woman, if you’re avoiding the clit altogether, you don’t even have to mention the vulva or vagina, just use “enter” and all its synonyms.

When I write, I tend to use the words “length” or “cock” these days.  Well, when I write sex scenes or scenes involving a penis.  My friend just found a euphemism that might put me off writing about the male sexual organ all together for a while: yogurt hose.

Ya’ll might find yourselves in awe of this site:
http://www.sex-lexis.com/ Sex-Dictionary/ penis (take out spaces)

Not necessarily in a good way… A sample:

bald-headed candidate, bald-headed mouse, bald-headed hermit, bald-headed rat, ass-opener, bald man, baton, bean pole, bean-tosser, beating tool, beaver cleaver, beaver lever, bed flute, abominable pants worm, accordion, acucullus, all-beef sausage, angle, anteater, auger, bean-shooter, beef jerky, beef whistle, bell-rope, belly ruffian, belt buster, best friend, best leg of three, big bamboo, Big Ben, big bite, big dipper, billy, billy club, big red, big wand, bit of hard, blow pop, blowtorch, blue steeler, blue-veined custard chucker, blue thimble, blue-veined piccolo, blue veiner, blue-veined throbber, blue-veined steak, blue-veined trumpet, Blind Bob, boneless fish, boneless appendage (of the male), branch, bruiser, bucking bronco, buffing stick, bull point, butt basher, butt smasher, butterfinger, candy cane, candy stick, cannon, carnal member, carnal part, Captain Hightop the Love Commander, catso, cavity probe, charger, chink-stopper, choad, chooza, chopper, chunky monkey, cherry splitter, cobra, cocked gun, cockhead, cockaroony, cockoroony, corker, cory, cracksman, crimson chitterling, crotch cartilage, crumpet-trumpet, crotch cobra, crowd pleaser, cum slinger, cunt-stabber, cunt-stirrer, cunt stretcher, cunt-sticker, Cyclops, dangling participle, dang, dear morsel, delight of women, dick-tator, dick butkiss, dingle, dingle-dangle, dinghy, do-funny, do-jigger, dohinger, donniker, driving post, donkey dick, drumstick, ducky-bird, dydus, eager pleaser, ejac vac, enemy, eleventh finger, erectio penis, extra digit, eye dropper, faggots toothbrush, English sentry, fat peter, fish stick, flap-doodle, foot long, finger puppet, fountain pen, fuck pole, fuck-rod, fucking stick, fucking tool, fud packer, fun bone, fun-stick, funmaker, frigamajig, fuck-meat, gadget, gadso, gearstick d’amour, gear and tool, gear, genital coupler, gearstick, generation tool, generating tool, genital shaft, genital reamer, gentle fist, genital staff, German helmet, gherkin, giggling pin, girl catcher, girlometer, glans, glow stick, glow rod, golden rivet, goober, goose’s neck, gooter, goot, hair divider, hairless wonder, hacker, ham and two eggs, handstaff, grinding tool, hard-bit, hard salami, he-thing, helmet, hermit, ho-handle, hodge dog, hoe-handle, hole puncher, holy poker, hugen, humpmobile, hung like a horse, hotchee, idol, intromittent organ, Irish rise, jackhammer, jackalope, jacktool, jean tent, Jewish corned beef, Jewish nightcap, Jewish national, jig-jigger, jiggle bone, Jimbo, jizz jemmy, jolly roger, Jolly Red Giant, joy knob, joy prong, key to heaven, kickapoo, kielbasa, kosher meat, kosher dill, kosher pickle, lad, the, ladies’ delight, ladies’ plaything, king-member, king’s iron, lever, little dipper, little finger, liver turner, Little Elvis, long dong, log, longfellow, love dart, love gun, love handle, love length, love meat, love tool, love truncheon, love stick, love-rod, love-wand, love sausage, longhorn, louisville slugger, love trumpet, love torpedo, loves engine, lust bone, lust sword, lust shaft, maggot, male intruder, male gladiolus, male genital dispenser,

And it goes on… it’s kinda scary…

I’ve never really gotten the idea that penises are funny looking.  I mean, that’s what a penis looks like.  It is what it is.  But if I saw one that could fairly be described using some of these terms I’d rethink my position.  And run far way.  Bald-headed mouse?

I think dangling participle is my new favorite.

I have a list too - lol one that I’ve collected over the years that now has a few good terms to add to it… not that you’d see half of them in a romance novel - not even an erotica, but it’s still fun. It’s like a personal thesaurus… lol

Here are the ones I’ve seen in romances…
Penis:

Arousal
Boner
Cock
Dick
Erection
Girth
Hard on
Length
Manhood
Member
Organ
Pecker
Pole
Purple-Headed Warrior - no joke
Purple-Headed Womb Broom - no joke
Rod
Sex
Shaft
Staff
Stalk
Stick
Tumescence

Also, I was raised by devout Roman Catholics… so “womb” makes me think of Mother Mary.

My parents weren’t exactly devout, but i did go to Catholic School, so I get the same picture.

“He had a one-eyed, one horned, flying knee-length purple phallaus -
A one-eyed, one horned, flying knee-length puuurple phallus -
A one-eyed, one horned, flying knee-length puuurple phallus -
And it sure looked strange to meeee!”

I will never be able to hear this song without laughing, so of course my mother will think that i have lost my mind when she is listening to CBS FM.

I can’t think of any that I have read lately, but the one that stuck with me was the one from 10 Things I hate About You when Allison Janey (the Guidence Counselor no less) is writing her “novel” at work and Julia Stiles suggests his “turgid member”.

Cock.

But I think harder (so to speak) than writing about the penis is writing about how the penis gets into the vagina.

I generally use “cock”, “dick” (but only from male POV, like Jaci), “erection”, “penis” and “him”.  My Harlequin Mills & Boon editor wouldn’t allow “cock” or “dick”; on the other hand, my Samhain editor asked for more of those and less “penis”.  The wonderful varied world of publishing!

I recently found a “virile member” in one of my French translations.  Damn.

I am so totally going to use “Captain Hightop the Love Commander”.  Thank you, Anne.

Somebody upthread posted “getting his wick dipped.” I read that as an accidental word inversion and he was actually “getting his dick whipped.” Kind of works either way.

I can’t think of any that I have read lately, but the one that stuck with me was the one from 10 Things I hate About You when Allison Janey (the Guidence Counselor no less) is writing her “novel” at work and Julia Stiles suggests his “turgid member”.

Actually she suggests ‘turgid’ as she comes into the room, then ‘quivering member’ as she leaves (big, big geek about this).  For these and many more reasons, I’ve never been able to use either term unless my characters are joking.

It’s not easy to find words that aren’t either trite, anatomically unsexy, or just ridiculous, and I personally find it even harder when describing a woman than a man.  Perhaps because women haven’t really evolved a culture of talking about themselves that way, so all the terms available are either too clinical (vagina), or vaguely misogynistic (cunt).

Whereas men have evolved more colloquialisms—which I agree, sound better from a male POV than a woman’s.  However, many are used as insults—dick, cunt—which makes them less desirable in sex scenes, IMO.

I tend to use cock mostly, sometimes penis although I don’t really like it, and dick mostly from his POV.  And I’ve started to use erection, too, and on occasion hardness.  They sound a bit euphemistic, but when writing erotic romance you risk ending up with the same word in every other sentence: variety is occasionally needed!

I’ve never had much editorial comment over my use of male terms, but I was asked to

No, I remembered wrong, she suggests ‘tumescent’ as she comes in.  Like a big, sexy tumour.  Mmm.

And I evidently hit ‘send’ before I finished my first post.  In my defence, I haven’t had nearly enough coffee yet, and there is a kitten on my lap kneading holes in my arm, which does make typing difficult.

I’ve never had much editorial comment over my use of male terms, but I was asked to remove some uses of ‘cunt’ when I first started out at Changeling Press.  My Ellora’s Cave editor didn’t seem to mind it, although I did use it more sparingly.

That really is it from me for now.

Probably.

The Signifigant Other occasionally uses Willie the One-Eyed Wonder Worm, but that’s a bit wordy for a novel.  Maybe it could be shortened to WOW!

....but I was asked to remove some uses of ‘cunt’ when I first started out at Changeling Press.

Cat, are you British?  If so, I am surprised you find yourself able to use it.  The associative baggage attached to that word, in spite of many noble feminist attempts to reinstate it, is so extreme that it would be a real stumbling-block for many readers.  Of course sexual terminology is widely used in a pejorative way, but ‘cunt’ is the most savagely misogynistic word in English, or at least, in my dialect of English.

I’m not a writer, but am a voracious reader, and I’ve noticed “cock” a lot more frequently, even in some historicals, for which I am personally glad.  In my own home use, MrSpell and I use cock and pussy as our preferred getting-it-on terms, so those words are most appealing to me as a reader…when I see overly flowery, overly clinical or over-the-top terms it takes me right out of the story.  But I have to say that the same holds true for descriptions of the female anatomy - “humid love garden” makes me think of breeding grounds for yeast infections, compost and fertilizer, none of which really get me into the mood for the sexins.

As an aside, MrSpell loves to give me the giggles with creative names for his dangly bits (or turgid bits, as the case may be).  The latest is Man Wand, because it makes the magic happen.  Ye gods I love that man!  If anyone wants to use that in a WIP, feel free, but give a hattip to MrSpell - I’d hate for his creativity to go unrewarded!

“torch of civilization”

Hubby says to add Cockness Monster.  Yep, that’s my man!

“It was unwise to mock the phallus.”

I swear to whatever you believe or don’t believe in, I saw that line in an excerpt from some fantasy novel online. Needless to say, once I got done snorting my coffee out my nose, I decided not to buy that book and have never been able to see the word “phallus” anywhere without giggling. So books that use it generally don’t get taken seriously by me. Now, I find that “shaft” is probably safest for me, because then I can paint my own mental picture about what it looks like, without any social coloring.
As in, “Dick” seems like too much of a personality description, “penis” seems too cold, yadda, yadda. But “shaft” is fairly neutral.

I’m a fan of velvet shaft.

It’s not the name of the tool—it’s what you DO with it that counts, really. ;)

Oh, God, this thread is giving me traumatic flashbacks to bad slash stories.

Okay.

straining member
turgid meat
straining dick
rigid member
tumescent dick
massive member slick with Lance’s insides
hard shaft
rigid shaft
enormous erection
mammoth dick
turgid shaft
raging erection
engorged shaft
bloated cock
massive dick
pulsing member
turgid organ
aching member
twin towers of terror

These are all from one story.

Oh, and I just remembered, one of my pirates refered to his equipment as “King Neptune”.

Pirates aren’t known for being modest and retiring.[g]

I am astonished; despite the long lists upthread, nobody’s duplicated the coinage I found some while back in an Annette Blair romance (Sex and the Psychic Witch):

“man-brain”

I’m also mildly startled to discover that this crowd doesn’t seem to have reviewed any of Ms. Blair’s works; based on my experience with SatSW, I suspect you’d have a lot of fun with her, one way or another.  The above-mentioned title was an . . . interesting read; I almost gave up on it about two-thirds of the way in, but Blair pulled a plot twist out of her hat at exactly the moment I was about to bail, forced me to keep going, and if she didn’t quite totally redeem herself, she impressed me with her ability to successfully shift gears and make the tonal change stick.

One of my gay friends maintains that “dick” is what straight men say; “cock” is more a gay word. So I’m wondering if there’s anything significant in its recent prevalence.

One of my gay friends maintains that “dick” is what straight men say; “cock” is more a gay word. So I’m wondering if there’s anything significant in its recent prevalence.

That’s an interesting observation, and it simply emphasises the subtle dialectical differences that can cause some readers to stumble over a word that others find normal.  In British English - of my generation at least - ‘cock’ is far more common than ‘dick’ (I think of the latter not as a heterosexual term, but as an American one).

One of my gay friends maintains that “dick” is what straight men say; “cock” is more a gay word.

Huh.  This does not correspond to my experience, such as it is.  FWIW, my sense is that “dick” is much more common in spoken conversation among men in general, whereas “cock” is much more common than “dick” in written form, though there are a couple of exceptions to the latter.  In written material by male authors, I’d identify two specific cases where “dick” is more common than “cock”: where the writers (or their characters) are of college age or younger, and where the writers (or their characters) are of the “redneck” rural personality type.  Otherwise, “cock” (or “shaft” or sometimes “rod”) predominates.

Oh, yeah. I read that one about the “sword”.
I also read one that used “his flaming sword of desire”, kkk. I don’t remember the name of the book right now and it was written in portuguese, so my guess is that maybe, the translator got a little shy, at least thats how I like to think about it.
The “flaming sword” is cause for jokes until this day though.