Bitchin' Blog Posts
Dever-WHOA
by SB Sarah | by SB Sarah | April 29, 2008 | Tuesday at 8:24 pm | 61 CommentsSome old-school cover gems from the woman who perfected the “If she can tell the difference between the identical twins, it must be twu wuv!” schtick in Romancelandia.
Sarah: Ah, yes, the historical version of “Before He Cheats.” Instead of digging a car key into the door of a pretty souped-up four-wheel drive, she’s going to put his head through his own lute because he got way, WAY too merry with his band of merry men.
Candy:: He thinks she’s paralyzed with desire; she’s just hoping that this George Hamilton wannabe’s sunless bronzer doesn’t rub off on her skin or her clothing.
Sarah: Nothing says ‘Historical romance’ like a poly-cotton nightgown from JC Penneys, circa 1982.
Candy: He looks mildly brain-damaged. She looks like a Real Doll. It’s a match made in heaven!
Sarah: There had so better be a disclaimer at the back of that book stating that no horses were harmed in the creation of the cover art, because it looks like they’re dropping to the earth from about 30,000 feet up and the horse is the only one who has recognized their imminent landing.
Candy: I’ve talked before about the bizarre physics at work in romance novels and how it affects hair. This one just straight-up confounds me. Unless the guy is a humanoid Van de Graaf generator, I’m at a loss to explain the heroine’s hair. (The hero’s hair—and appearance in general—can pretty much be explained by an inordinate love of man-sauce, I think.)
Filed: Covers Gone Wild! (Non-Snoop Dogg Edition)
Tagged: wacky science, jude deveraux, cover snark
Kathryn said on 04.29.08 at 08:39 PM • [link]
And if you think that version of The Raider is scary, check out the Barbie and Ken one.
Tina C. said on 04.29.08 at 08:44 PM • [link]
The third cover certainly does grab your attention, what with the fright-wig hairstyle, but speaking of bizarre hair physics, look at the Velvet Song cover—their hair is blowing in opposite directions! (And yet, their sleeves and her hankie aren’t moving at all.)
~Tina C.
Suzanne said on 04.29.08 at 08:54 PM • [link]
Holy Crap! I didn’t know they made romance novel covers with Barbie Dolls! Where do you guys find this stuff!?! I learn so many things each time I come here - always entertaining and enlightening! Fabulous!
Since Sarah seems to think they are falling from the sky, maybe the woman is just about to be struck by lightning - that would explain the crazy hair!
Lorelie said on 04.29.08 at 09:11 PM • [link]
Ya know, I met a woman just last night who told me in all seriousness that her husband was supposedly an identical twin and she’d told her mother in law that she couldn’t see how they’re supposed to be identical. And in fact she claimed she’d married the cuter one.
It was all I could do not to cackle madly and squeal “It’s Twuuuu Luuuuv!”
lijakaca said on 04.29.08 at 09:22 PM • [link]
Am I the only one who thinks of Robin when I see the non-identity-hiding mask that the third hero is wearing?
“Golly gee, lady! What’s happening to your hair?”
rebyj said on 04.29.08 at 09:23 PM • [link]
I think I HAD that nightgown, minus the crotch hugger.
Wendy said on 04.29.08 at 09:26 PM • [link]
I can’t get past the seriously low-cut gown the Velvet Song chick is wearing. It’s amazing we can’t see her nips.
Jennifer Armintrout said on 04.29.08 at 09:26 PM • [link]
Wait! That last book! Isn’t that the one where the guy accidentally deflowers the heroine because the coach goes over a bump?! The cover looks so familiar, has anyone read it? Is that the book?
By the way, I think the hair thing only happens if it’s actually TRU LUV (tm). It’s a very short term side effect, you probably don’t notice it while in the throes of TRU LUV (tm).
Spamword: until93. As in, “That chick’s hairstyle was in fashion until 1993.”
jocelynnesimone said on 04.29.08 at 09:29 PM • [link]
Wow, Velvet Song is defying the laws of physics as well. Check out that uncorset and strangely perky breastline. Or maybe she has a strange super power that makes things adhere nipples. Would people call her Miss Incredible Sticky Nipples!! or WonderNipps!!
Amie Stuart said on 04.29.08 at 09:32 PM • [link]
LOL JEnnifer…i"m sure someday someone will be poking fun at our covers…okay well, MY covers. Yours are pretty rockin…. That said, what in the world is she holding in her hand in that first cover? Is it part of her voodoo love ritual?
closetcrafter said on 04.29.08 at 09:33 PM • [link]
Are there more of those Romance novel Barbies, or was that a joke. Can you not appreciate the AWESOMENESS of the cheesiness? How bout the marketing genius of the person who created the Venn Diagram of ROmance fans and Barbie collectors?
Please don’t leave me hanging!
Lorelie said on 04.29.08 at 09:34 PM • [link]
Jennifer—
I’ve not only read it, I’m 99% sure I have that same copy sitting on my bookshelf at home. It’s not the accidental coach-deflowering. It’s Revolution era and the hero runs around pissing off the Redcoats while looking mostly like himself, but then lives “normal” life in a wig and padded, frou-frou clothes. Some serious wanna-be Zorro action going on.
Closetcrafter-
The Deveraux barbie set was real (I’m an ex-Barbie collector) but I think it was the only romance novel oriented one.
Ciar Cullen said on 04.29.08 at 09:45 PM • [link]
Sarah, the horse comment. My howl brought people to my office door. Still laughing…
R. said on 04.29.08 at 09:49 PM • [link]
Getting all anal on the first pic—
I’m assuming the ‘lute’ is hers, since it’s in her grasp - possession being nine-tenths, and all that. Second, it’s actually a ‘lautengitarre’ [I know ‘cuz I got one just like it, and yeah, I can play it], a bizarre, hybrid stage-oriented instrument that can blame its origins on Richard Wagner.
history28 - holy effing crap, how does it know?
Julia said on 04.29.08 at 09:50 PM • [link]
Holy crap, I owned the last book. And oh god the Barbie and Ken doll. He has fake lashes, 3 shades of eyeshadow and mauve lipstick. MAUVE LIPSTICK.
I may swoon.
R. said on 04.29.08 at 10:00 PM • [link]
The doll, omigawds—does he actually have a five o’clock shadow, or is my monitor fritzing??
southern69 - okay, not touching that one.
closetcrafter said on 04.29.08 at 10:10 PM • [link]
Lorelei. thanks for the quick response. I’m googling this Barbie thing fer sure. I am a dentist and there is a dentist Barbie, because all female dentists wear turquoise high heels and a miniskirt with an equally mini-labcoat over it. My colleague never opened hers because she is sure its going to be worth big $$$ someday. I let my then 2 yr old play with it and the pieces are gone, gone, gone.
R. said on 04.29.08 at 10:13 PM • [link]
Oh, cripes. Take a closer look at that doll’s hands. They have the G.I.Joe action ‘kung-fu’ grip, that’s just right for gripping his - uh,...
Well, y’know, for when he’s all alone.
And horny. And stuff.
body25 - okay, it’s official, I’m freaking out.
Julia said on 04.29.08 at 10:15 PM • [link]
http://imagehost.epier.com/29152/Dentist Barbie - 3.jpg
http://imagehost.epier.com/29152/Dentist Barbie - 2.jpg
Dentist Barbie!
Erin said on 04.29.08 at 10:17 PM • [link]
Sorry, no - he’s totally Tuxedo Mask. It’s like a Revolutionary War version of Sailor Moon. And Luna’s a horse instead of a cat?
>dork<
michelle said on 04.29.08 at 10:59 PM • [link]
The horse! Oh God! I usually don’t laugh until I read your comments on the covers. Not out loud, just from looking. But the look on that horse’s face was so incredible, I nearly cried. I don’t know if it’s strictly fear of imminent death that’s making him do that. He looks… scandalized .
My romance novel loving friend and I have had long conversations about how wrong it is when people have sex on the back of another living being. The idea is so gross to us. Like, what does the horse think? Well, now I know. He thinks something along the lines of “THE HELL??!!!”
Susan Helene Gottfried said on 04.29.08 at 11:15 PM • [link]
Clearly, being with the guy on the final cover is a hair-raising experience.
(why didn’t anyone say that before now?)
marcella said on 04.29.08 at 11:27 PM • [link]
Can we go back to the accidental deflowering by coach plot line? That is a real book? Cuz I might need to read that book like RIGHT NOW.
Audrey said on 04.29.08 at 11:33 PM • [link]
I still own all of these books, and would have so bought that Barbie if I’d have known of it at the time!
My theory is that the people don’t look as concerned as the horse because they are aware the ginormous skirt is acting as a parachute!
Also, re you know what on the back of the horse, coincidentally, it actually does occur in, tum da da da! Book #1, The Velvet Song. IIRC, of course, it’s been a good while since I’ve read the books. I’m sure they would have put the horse on the cover of that one except it would have looked even more freaked out.
Jennifer Armintrout said on 04.29.08 at 11:45 PM • [link]
Ah, drat. There must be a similar cover on the accidental deflowering book.
My search continues.
Chrissy said on 04.29.08 at 11:48 PM • [link]
I own em all and everything else she wrote prior to 1990.
But the hair on Raider… it’s like that electrical current ball at the Museum of Science.
Gracie O. said on 04.30.08 at 12:15 AM • [link]
On “The Raider”—the chick’s hair has clearly been possessed by an octopus. Apparently even ghostly octopi, like ghostly leopards, need titty.
R. R. said on 04.30.08 at 12:49 AM • [link]
I’m with Audrey. Accidental coach deflowering? Did the coach roll over 13 times, so that underskirts were upended and Tab A accidentally bumped into Slot B? That’s wild - sounds like the teenager I knew who swore to her parents that she and her bf were still virgins, even though she was pregnant: but he came on her thighs and she got pregnant. Honestly.
Gracie O. said on 04.30.08 at 12:54 AM • [link]
I just noticed the horse’s mouth, which is FREAKING MY SHIT OUT.
Kathryn said on 04.30.08 at 01:06 AM • [link]
I do not know how I even stumbled upon the Barbie and Ken thing. I was just googling that book and it popped up. I wonder why they didn’t make more in the romance novel series?
hoosierneals said on 04.30.08 at 01:07 AM • [link]
The horse…OMG. I don’t know if it’s the gianormous beer I’ve had this evening but the tears are running down my face and my DH thinks I’ve lost it. Seriously, some cover artist was having his own little private joke there.
Gracie O. said on 04.30.08 at 01:18 AM • [link]
It just really, really, REALLY gets me that the lower jaw is so much smaller than the upper jaw. It’s like that damn horse could stick its tongue out WITH ITS MOUTH CLOSED if it wanted to.
Emmy said on 04.30.08 at 01:40 AM • [link]
Oh. My. GAWD. The horse, it makes me laugh. Everyone looks like they’re falling.
Horse: Fuck, we’re flying…oh, shit, there’s laaaaaan*splat*
Other two idiots: lalalalalalaaaaaa*splat*
my stomach is hurting from the laughing, and the animals think their hooman has gone nutz.
snarkhunter said on 04.30.08 at 01:59 AM • [link]
BWAH!
I’m sorry, that first cover looks like it should be titled Ren Faire Rendezvous or something.
Jennifer Armintrout said on 04.30.08 at 02:17 AM • [link]
I don’t know, I have no idea what the book was about, other than it was a historical romance and I was twelve and reading all the sexy parts. There was this guy and he thought the girl was a prostitute, so he was going to get up in there and then he realizes his mistake and is about to stop the sexing when BAM the coach hits a rut and in he goes.
People have suggested a couple books that could have been it, but so far, dead ends.
My mom left it in the laundry room, if that helps. It’s apparently a better read with the scent of Tide fresh on the air.
Spamword: Case49. As in, “I’ll be on the case of the accidental vehicular nookie until I’m 49.”
R. said on 04.30.08 at 02:22 AM • [link]
Oh, gods, I’m laughing so hard it *hurts*!
Jennifer, if you ever get tired of writing romance, you gotta give writing stand-up comedy a try!
here28 - gah!!!
Colleen Gleason said on 04.30.08 at 03:03 AM • [link]
I own all those books too, in those very same covers. I loved The Raider, despite the dubiousness of those padded, frou-frou clothes.
Might have to dig that one up again….
Rachel said on 04.30.08 at 03:20 AM • [link]
Oh, man, Jude Deveraux.*Sniff* She was my first romance! Well, my first romance novelist. I own all of these, plus everything else she wrote before Sweet Liar. It was all downhill after that. I so vividly remember that cover of The Black Lyon, too, b/c that was the book I picked out for my first romance novel (I was 12). My mom said I couldn’t get it as the back cover copy said they got married, and she figured there would be less sex000ring in a book with no marriages. Weird ass Mom logic, that!
Candy said on 04.30.08 at 04:03 AM • [link]
OK, I’ve finally figured the cover for The Raider.
Equine anal electrocution.
It explains the look on the horse’s face, and the ensuing static would explain the woman’s hair.
Poor horsie. WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO YOU?
sistergolden said on 04.30.08 at 05:16 AM • [link]
What’s really interesting to me is that The Raider Barbie was released in 2003 while the novel is copyright 1987. Someone at Mattel must have really loved that story to resurrect the characters for a single “Romance Edition” gift set. Very strange marketing tactic. I mean, I used to love me some JD (in the 80s) but it’s not like this story was GWTW…. Did you notice the pecks on that Ken-doll? They look like male-implants!
PS - I swear I think I’ve read that coach deflowering story…. LMAO at the time, too! Uh, oops? Seriously? :D
*scratching head in curiosity* It wasn’t Shanna by Kathleen Woodiwiss was it? Or was that a near miss for poor Roarke before he was dropped back at the prison? I’ve gotta go back and reread that one of these days…
hermia said on 04.30.08 at 08:04 AM • [link]
I feel that I must admit that, until recently, I owned the Raider Barbie dolls. Jude was my first romance novelist, and I still find that book bloody HILARIOUS!!! My mother bought them for me as a gag kift for Christmas. Dear god. The photos do not do it justice. They were just… incredibly strange. And even better: they came with a faux gold charm bracelet, with (if I recall correctly) a mask charm, a book charm, and perhaps a horseshoe. Someone at Mattel was clearly smoking crazy, kill-a-horse amounts of crack cocaine.
Eirin said on 04.30.08 at 10:13 AM • [link]
Ok, I now have to find this accidental deflowering-by-coach novel.
Any further clues? Name of protagonists, places, stuff like that?
One day I’ll make a list of the weirder deflowering scenes I’ve come across in Romancelandia.
Isacat said on 04.30.08 at 12:47 PM • [link]
I own that books too in the spanish version and the covers were the same.
About the barbies, it seems there was a doll about The Black Lion too
http://seriesysagas.com/judedeveraux/curiosidades.html
Nora Roberts said on 04.30.08 at 01:51 PM • [link]
I think what you can’t see in #3 due to exploding hair is the horse, he has wings. I believe he’s a flying horse, and is so annoyed with his passengers he’s about to buck them off. In fact, from the positioning, he already has—they just don’t know it.
They will splat, he will fly on. This could be construed as a HEA in some circles.
It’s possible they will splat right on the lautengitarre held by Blondie in #1. Which, if you’ve ever landed on a lautengitarre after being bucked off an annoyed flying horse, you know really smarts.
Yvonne said on 04.30.08 at 02:32 PM • [link]
Oh Nora!
I nearly hurt my lautengitarre I laughed so hard!
Kim said on 04.30.08 at 03:39 PM • [link]
I own all these books. With these covers, no less!
Like many others here, Jude Deveraux was probably the first “romance” author that I read. They seemed so racy at the time (and at my age) but I bet they wouldn’t be nearly as exciting now.
And yes, if I remember correctly the lautengitarre is hers, he sings.
Lana said on 04.30.08 at 03:41 PM • [link]
sistergolden-
Ruark definitely did deflower her in the coach but he was pulled out prematurely and carted back to prison by her uncle. Poor man indeed.
Katherine said on 04.30.08 at 03:48 PM • [link]
Oh, that poor, poor animal. I had a flash back of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, with the poor whale created 200 miles over the planet’s surface…“Oh, what’s this rushing feeling? I think I’ll call it air..yeah! And this big thing rushing up to meet me…needs a big, solid name, like…. Earth? No…ground? okay… I wonder if it’ll be friends with me?”
But this poor animal is clearly thinking, “I’m about to become a small crater, and these two numbwits are trying to pin the tail on the damn donkey before we splat! WTF????!!!”
spinsterwitch said on 04.30.08 at 05:35 PM • [link]
I am having high school flashbacks from these covers…not good.
Although, OMG! I don’t know which is more bizarre: a Jude Deveraux fan site in Spanish or the “Black Lyon” doll that’s featured on it. Seriously, if that’s really how he looked, how the hell did he get any play?
P.S. I did own these books at one time. Just out of curiosity: how much storage space do you people have that you have all these books still?
Lorelie said on 04.30.08 at 06:00 PM • [link]
I have two six-foot tall bookshelves that are double and in some places triple stacked. Plus some random, small stashes around the house, like in my closet. And then a friend who borrowed my truck made fun of me when she found almost a dozen books tucked in various places. (She stopped teasing when she got stuck in a doctor’s office for three hours and only had to run out to the parking lot for something to read.) But I have to be selective.
And yes, I just admitted I’m selective and yet have multiple Deverauxs.
Stephanie said on 04.30.08 at 06:06 PM • [link]
That Barbie/Ken set disturbs the hell out of me. He’s clearly leading her hand into his waistband. I can’t imagine why they didn’t sell more of these to kids….
Deb Kinnard said on 04.30.08 at 08:33 PM • [link]
I still own these books. They’re somewhere in the 4,000 cardboard boxes that hold our joint-tenancy book collection. We had to take the library apart when about-to-be-born 2nd daughter required it as a bedroom.
And I remember with a reasonable degree of certainty that the back cover carried a disclaimer: “No horses were electrocuted up the wazoo in the making of this novel.”
Suzanne said on 04.30.08 at 09:51 PM • [link]
Okay, I tried to read “The Black Lyon”, but only made it part way through…and now that Spanish doll completely ruined any chances of me ever picking it back up…just don’t think I can love a hero with that vision in my head!!! Yikes!
Isacat said on 04.30.08 at 11:35 PM • [link]
Suzanne, the site it’s spanish, the doll isn’t, the girl who did the site found it in internet but I don’t know where.
I loved Deveraux books, specially Highland Velvet when I started reading romances and here in Spain we only have Deveraux, Lindsay, Garwood and a couple more romance authors but I haven’t read her new books in the last years, they don’t catch my atention anymore.
Shannon Stacey said on 05.01.08 at 12:16 AM • [link]
Snarking Jude Devereaux? You Bitches have gone TOO far!
(The hero in The Black Lyon is saying “Hold on…it’s stuck in there.”)
JJ said on 05.01.08 at 12:42 AM • [link]
The Raider is the first romance novel I ever read while on a road trip up the East Coast on a prospective college tour back in high school (we were southern Californian Catholic private girls school bitches). It had the line “he entered her as gently as water lapping at the hull of a boat.” My mind hasn’t recovered since. However, the cover of the version my friend Darehead handed me had a very sedate sailing brig on the cover against a taupe background.
Moth said on 05.01.08 at 07:23 AM • [link]
I’m so glad I sent these in to SB Sarah. *beams*
My favorite cover is Velvet Song because the heroine in that is supposed to be flat-chested!
Oh, and JJ, OMG! You know Darehead! She’s one of my BFFs. I gave her that copy of the Raider for Christmas in High School. Coolness. It’s a small internet, after all. :D
Rhea said on 05.01.08 at 08:42 AM • [link]
Love it that someone else noted the Tuxedo Mask/SailorMoon-nes of the Raider. Which, btw, I absolutely loved, because back in the day, Jude D was the hotness. And I still love the Velvet series, although my fave was Velvet Angel, and the others were simply background stories.
And I totally believe that one day I shall meet up with one side of a gorgeous set of identical twins and somehow determine who is hottest and marry them, later to beget multiple sets of beautiful twins. Because that’s how the world works.
Marcella said on 05.01.08 at 04:16 PM • [link]
I love how having a hymen almost saves the day, except that trickster FATE steps in via a wandering rut in the road!
Thanks, Jennifer! Reading your recap may well have satisfied my urge to actually read the book.
Amie Stuart said on 05.01.08 at 05:31 PM • [link]
I still own all my JD books too—with these covers and bought/read her up until Forever & Always. I miss her
Suzanne said on 05.01.08 at 06:54 PM • [link]
Isacat, sorry, I must have misunderstood - thought the person with the website made the doll - either way, the Black lyon looked pretty scary in doll form - poor Black Lyon.
I actually had never read JD, but saw a recommendation for “Black Lyon”, but unfortunately, I just didn’t really care for it much. My first novelist was actually Johanna Lindsey, but I can’t read any of her stuff anymore either…authors like Laura Kinsale ruined me for some of the lighter, fluffier stuff I used to read.
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