Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

Oh my good god almighty.  Where did you find that clip, Candy?  That was just so so wrong.  The little baby Jesus is weeping right now, along with me.  And that guy’s lips were almost as freaky as his cock!

why, oh, why did you post that link? how is that healthy, how is that HUMAN, how is that allowed on the internet, and WHY did i click it?!
*pukes*
blehhh.

Bitches, if you want your current efforts to be duly noticed and appreciated, do not insert links to previous posts.  I clicked on “Poor M. J. Pearson” and found myself in a Wonderland that rivaled Browning’s film Freaks.  The otherworldly hideousness of those covers was riveting.  I still feel a bit…mesmerized.  Even the Silly Putty Penis and bottom-feeder lips didn’t snap me out of it.

Shit.  And now I must try to sleep?

Now that I’m regaining my senses, I must say I have no objections to that EC cover except…I WISH THE BITCH WOULD GET HER HANDS OUT OF THE WAY SO I COULD GET A FULLER VIEW! 

I’m tellin’ ya, I’m starting to have serious fantasies about some of the male models on EC/CP books.

Regarding Mayhem, I knew the local little theater was doing “Harvey”, but I had no idea how it had been updated for the 21st C. 

Or maybe this is the Off-off-off Broadway gay musical version. Sponsored by Coca-Cola.

That’s it.  And the half-nude chick?  Not a chick.  Pre-op tranny.  Notice it’s not a full frontal shot.

I must be learning sense, because as soon as I saw the belt coming undone I clicked the back button with unholy haste. *whew*

You know what I find most amusing about the first cover? It’s that you can totally see where they Photoshopped out the top of her granny panties to make the g-string effect. The other covers are just too damn scary to comment on.

I must say Candy, that I immediately thought of that Magnetic Fields songs as well and I found it oh so disturbing.

Damn you, now I will associate that song forever with that hideous cover!

Weren’t we promised, eons ago, that the SBs would do a collection of HOT gay covers? I think we are all owed at least that much after the horrible, horrible silicone man. Shame!

And precisely which one of those two is supposed to be the “Discreet Young Gentleman”?  Wolverine or the one with the mutant testicles?

Furthermore, how discreet is it to make out in a field ... in full view of that castle and your coachman ... on the night of a full moon ... right next to a freakin’ lantern!

ROFL, I do so abhor some of those ebook covers, they are getting better in some publishers like Samhain, but remain worse in others like Changeling Press.

Oh BTW Mr. Silicone Junk man is just too funny, talk about stranger than fiction.  He’s so way out there he looks normal from another universe.

thank you Myriantha.  #2 looks like a fan comic of x-men gone soooooooooo wrong.  Wolverine is supposed to have a thing for teen girls, not boys.

Soooooo glad I’m not the only one who saw Wolverine on that cover….and so, so, speechlessly horrified by sight.  And I totally agree with Myriantha: discreet they are not. 

At least with the horror of that cover, the others look less horrifying in comparison.

Yup yup, I saw “Dick in a box” and smiled big. Good find!

That poor young feller’s nipple looks all infected. It’s got a big head on it begging to be popped. The hairy one’s obviously trying to avoid the sore at all costs, not even gonna look at it. Nope.

That link with the cantaloupe penis was priceless. I’m wondering how I missed that show as it was only on channel four! But it was how he went on about he’s proud to have done this to himself because he wants to challenge society to think about how a penis should look and be used. then he goes on to say he can’t pee standing up nor can he have sex with it of any kind. I thought that was the two big fun parts of having a penis??

I think what disturbs me most about Discreet Young Gentleman is that they appear to be made of bronze.  Are we sure the models weren’t actually statuettes on a film award for best gay porn?

(And my word to verify that I’m human is army82.  I didn’t think the army wanted that cover anywhere near it.)

Regarding the clip:

First: My eyes! My eyes! Call me ‘old fashioned’ but I think a penis should resemble…well…a penis.

Second: I just blogged about the keywords people use when they end up on my blog. The third most used phrase is “perfect penis’ which happens to be the name of the clip. People must be so disappointed when they arrive at my blog and not at the creepiest/weirdest clip I’ve EVAH seen.

OMG! I clicked on the link. LMAO. I should have known better. (O_O)

*gigglesnorfchoke*

This is what I get for checking for updates during Religious Studies class.

*tries to steer brain back to kosher and fails. Fails so bad.*

...that said, I’m saving the clip to watch when I’m not at risk for having my conservative professor walking by behind me.

I think the discreet young gentleman with the darker hair is a dead ringer for Peter Brady, myself, but I guess that’s just me.

What I can’t figure out is, what third-grader with no sense of actual anatomy drew those bulges on poor MJ Pearson’s books? It’s like a feedbag or something between their legs. They look like castrati who got to keep their balls.

And what a coincidence, because I just saw “Dick in a Box” this morning (hey I’m in England and Saturday Night Live is ages behind and shown in the wee hours here.) I almost peed myself!

As for the freaky bunny man and the dead woman falling off the bed while he stares at her lifeless body…that’s just some crazy shit, there. If you look carefully at his hips, it looks like there is more white there, which leads me to believe he really is a bunnyMAN, like his lower half is bunny. Which is why he’s about to go all necrophile, I guess, because I don’t think even the most strung-out, diseased crack whore on the planet would agree to let a bunnyman into her womanly space (Furonda rocked. Sigh.)

Okay, now, after seeing that link I’ve changed my mind. I would rather let Bunnyman fill me with his tiny babies a million times than let that bald lunatic anywhere near me. And not near me in a sexual way, just near me at all.

Poor MJ Pearson, indeed.  I’ve actually read Discreet Young Genteman and it’s pretty good, horrible cover notwithstanding.

o my good mother. Would someone please explain to be how they got such akward looking people on akward poses?
Holy Shit!!!

#2.  They both have metalic skin, and Wolverine has werewolf forearms.  Don’t let those gnarly things anywere near your delicate parts blondie.

Bald video guy…thinks he’s making some kind of statement to the world, dosen’t see how pathetic he is.  Needs serious therapy.

lovelysalome…while you’r waiting, you might check out LooseID.  PL Nunn has done some good covers for Jet Mykles.

I didn’t think ‘Wolverine’ when I first saw the second cover, but now that it’s been mentioned, I kinda see it…and it’s making nipple guy look a little like Gambit…

*Cries* I didn’t know Wolverine was gay. There goes my big plan to marry him and have baby badger were-things with titanium spines.

If you take Wolvie, can I have Remy? Loves me some Cajun… but not if he looks like that.

Yeah, you can have Remy (though I had a thing for him til Hugh Jackman became Wolverine). I think I just have a thing for Hugh Jackman. I even liked him in Flushed Away, the voice of the snooty British rat. Erm.

Okay, so I clicked that link and DEAR GOD. I think you just found a method for birth control, right there.

Show that to teenage girls and tell em that’s what’s in Johnny’s pants, and bam! No more teen pregnancy.

Oddly enough, his eyes scared me more than his peen, though. He is full out bat-shit, I ate my mom and buried her bones in the basement, crazy.

Hunh. I had no idea Cyclops and Wolverine were lovers in the Regency period. No wonder there is so much tension between the two of them now.

I knew I shouldn’t have clicked that link. Now I shall go back to my corner and rock myself into a comatose state so I can forget that giant blob of penisflesh that looked remarkably like a fleshtoned hershey’s kiss, only one that was at the bottom of your purse for an indeterminate period of time so it got all melty and then solid again and you only consider eating it if you’re like, really PMSing and far away from any 7-11.

Holy Crap!!!!!  That link is going to give me nightmares.  Don’t you have to have a medical license to do silicone injections? I wonder if he somehow got his hands on the silicone and gave himself the injections, because any MD who would agree to do that is batshit crazy as well and should NOT be practicing medicine.

They could only be “discreet” is if they actually hide behind that giant penis.

That is so wrong!

I have just laughed so hard my face hurts. Seriously, ow. How had I not seen “Dick In A Box” before? Smart Bitches, you have enriched my life.

Also, the bunny ears on that last cover would totally make my girlparts shrivel up and go into hiding. What man wears bunny ears in bed? It would intrigue me (not enough to buy the novel, however) if it didn’t scare me so much.

1) Wow, that’s subtle. But what a small package.

2)Proof that dorky-pose romance covers are not gender specific—or lifestyle specific.

3) I hear the Bloodhound Gang myself:

You and me, baby, ain’t nothin’ but mammals, so let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.

Holy testicular tumors, Wolverine!  Maybe Wolvie is just trying to distract him before he does a little surgery to remove his extra 17 testicles.  Oy.

Or maybe the Discrete Young Gentleman’s down Cyclops’s pants?

I’m skeered now.  Yet, strangely, I find myself wanting to read the books…

And I, too, clicked the link.  That’s just so incredibly wrong.  I’ve heard of testicular saline infusion during certain kinky play situations (y’all should totally read Mistress Matisse’s blog), but dude, that’s temporary.  His shit’s permanent!  And so’s my horror.

The link solved a small mystery for me.  I’ve been wondering what Michael Jackson’s plastic surgeon has been doing since MJ moved to Bahrain.  Now, unfortunately, I know.

And I thought the L and M cup sized boobs were bad. Good god, my eyes! I think I might be having a retinal hemmorhage!

After that, those covers look good. Though I’m still a little bit perturbed over the bunny ears.

And that was flaccid. I’m fearing the, er, full product.

My brain is still reeling from that damn link.  I thought the best part was where he feels he is challenging our thoughts of what a penis should look like???  Pretty soon silicon dude is going to need an extra seat on a plan just to sit his junk. 

I thought I would leave you with a kinder, gentler bulge video to sooth your singed eyeballs.  Hope I linked it correctly.

That link totally freaked me out. Did you see him stroke it? What is he planning to do with that thing for the rest of his life?

Cover snark? There were covers to be snarked??

I read the comment before clicking on the silicon-related link, and I’m glad I did. No scarring for me, thanks!

But I liked that youtube link posted by AngieZ.

Mistress Steff…from his comments, it’s probably not functional…so, how does he pee?  Do we care?

Thanks Angie Z…too cute!

For those that enjoy trashy novels, please feel free to stop by The Sarcastic Idiocy Forum and LIVE a trashy novel. It’s good for the soul.

http://www.thesif.net/SIF/index.php?

MJ Pearson’s books both have that same “Hercules vs the Amazon Gay Guys” style of cover… I think you posted the previous one, which I fondly reacall as “the crotch-melon cover:”  http://www.amazon.com/Price-Temptation-M-J-Pearson/dp/0971708932/sr=1-2/qid=1169134049/ref=sr_1_2/103-9744345-2635836?ie=UTF8&s=books  I guess either the author or the publisher likes the cartoony style—I don’t.

One must hope the contents are better than the covers, but the Amazon reviews are mixed.

OMG.

That man! What the hell was he thinking? Injecting silicone into his penis… it’s freakish! Yuck!

What’s he challenging? Really? He has to squat to go to the bathroom because his balls hit the water. Bleah. And other men want to do that?

I could hardly concentrate on the covers after seeing that video. LOL.

i read one of mj pearsons books, look beyond the covers and you’ll find his writing style is good and he creates a pretty good historical gay love story!

this cover posted today cracks me up because its set in pre-steroid injection time period..where’d they get those muscles??

the video of the guy with the sack of potatos in his britches.. ICK!!! whats even ickier is he did it to HIMSELF on PURPOSE!!

I. LOVE. That. Youtube video!!!

And the half-nude chick?  Not a chick.  Pre-op tranny.  Notice it’s not a full frontal shot.

But is it man to woman or woman to man? And for all any of us know, what if it’s a very feminine male with a nice ass or a hardbodied chick who’s been working out at the gym and took steroids. And the guy with the rabbit ears pretty much explains itself.

All She Wants—yes, I saw the “Dick In A Box” video…but I saw it when it first aired on SNL (because I actually tape and watch the show, no matter what other people say about the show not being as good as it was in the 1970s. MADtv is good, but it hasn’t been the same since Stephnie Weir left), and Sarah and Candy should have used the first cover on the previous cover snark if either Sarah or Candy wanted to connect the Dick in a Box music video to it. That’s what I call, “topical humor”.

The second one with the male gay couple on it—Why is Wolverine checking some guy for lumps (both chest and genital—breast cancer just doesn’t happen to women, you know)? And why hasn’t anyone mentioned the mysterious third hand on the blond guy’s chest? Oh wait, that’s the blond guy’s hand. Never mind.

I have to say I LOVED Jaid Black’s cover and didn’t think about a “Dick In A Box” but I’m a dirty girl, so who knows.
The mantitty, however, made my eyes burn.
And what’s with the bunny suit?  Whew.  THAT’S a little strange.  Not odd enough to make me run and buy the book though.

I’d like to see one of the gay guys wear those bunny ears. And is the dick-in-a-box any relation to the jack-in-a-box.

Okay, I’m off to tell my husband that from now on, I’m going to challenge the way his penis ought to look.

Okay, just watched the Wonder Dick vid again and I must admit, I’m a bit worried about you girls. Now go on and go have your some regular heterosexual missionary style sex. If that’s not possible, get a cocoa or, better yet, a (ahem) stiff drink.

I have to confess: I was spooked by the comments of horror and revulsion, and showed Hubby the link.

Sarah: “If I click this link, there’s a really ugly penis. The dude did something involving silicone injections. Do you want to watch it?”
Hubby: “No.”
Sarah: “Ok.”
Hubby: “Will you watch it by yourself?”
Sarah: “No.”
Hubby: “Want me to watch it with you?”
Sarah: “No. I’ll be scarred for life.”

So just know that my imagination is treating me to some horrific ideas of what it must be like, but I freely admit. I’m too chicken to do the clickin’.

that giant blob of penisflesh that looked remarkably like a fleshtoned hershey’s kiss, only one that was at the bottom of your purse for an indeterminate period of time so it got all melty and then solid again and you only consider eating it if you’re like, really PMSing and far away from any 7-11.

OMG!  ROFL!  I seriously have TEARS, Lauren!  This is Bulwer-Lytton worthy!

There is one cover/manga artist that draws and illustrates great gay covers.  Check our You Higuri
http://www.gomedia-ent.com/higuri/front/

I am with you on MJ Peirson’s book.  I read the first one and it was a knockout.  This is the kind of book you put another cover on any way to read it on the train in any case.  So the cover does not really matter to me.  Write more books like these Mr. Peirson!

The Silicone Man’s penis is so deformed, I can hardly even believe it is a penis at all. That and he must have injected his lips with silicone too. YACK!! Did you guys see the way his eyes were like glowing when he was talking about his mass? He reminds me of a jackal…a jackal with a mass of globular flesh betwixt his legs…and bat-shit crazy…*hwarf*

Late to the party, but:

OH MY FUCKING GOD that clip… *bleaches brain*