Bitchin' Blog Posts
Ok, folks, get ready. It’s time for the Snooki Snex Scene entries. Voting is below, so make sure to read and pick your favorite. The winner gets a copy of the book and $25 to a bookstore of the winner’s choosing.
The poll is below and the entries are below the fold. Are you ready? Grab a beverage and help us pick the winning Snooki Snex Scene!
Entry #1: Crochet Leopard Print
“This is my room, baby,” Tony said proudly as he held the door for her. He was super classy. “Like it?”
Wow. Gia would shit herself. Animal print everywhere. The crochet bedspread had a leopard print pattern. And it didn’t even smell like Axe in here. More like…Drakkar Noir.
“It musta taken your grandmother forever to make that bedspread.”
Tony closed the door.
“Nah. I did it. I used finger weight yarn, merino/silk blend, and designed the pattern myself. If feels so good on your skin. Go on. Try it.”
She’d promised herself a hookup and dammit, it was time to follow through.
“Okay.” Bella stripped and moved to the bed. It wasn’t scratchy or anything.
“I love how your boobs stay just right even lying down.” Tony took off his shirt. His eight pack reminded her of the underside of a lobster. She wondered if it would be good covered in melted butter. He unbuttoned his jeans and pulled them off, revealing a gorgeous package stretching his shiny black banana hammock. When that came off, he was totally bald.
“I want you to suck my bald eagle, baby. Then we’ll get the wax and I’ll do yours.“
Entry #2: Melons and Peaches
She braced herself on his chest as she straddled his naked body and shook the melons a bit. His hands reached back to grab her peaches and she gave a little moan to let him know he was on the right track. She spread her knees just a bit wider and her dress gave, rolling smoothly up to her waist. Lycra was so cool! She caressed his biceps with one hand, running the other through his shiny hair. Then she ran her now slick hand down his hardon. She shook the melons at him again, her poof bobbing along. “Oh, Gia!” She froze. “I’m Bella,” she said, and then giggled. She couldn’t remember his name either! “Are we gonna fuck or what?” was all it took to get him going again. He pounded into her like the beat in a club – hard and loud. She added her moans to his groans and sound of the headboard hitting the wall kept time. It only took about as long as a song – and not a club remix either – and he gave the big groan. She gave him her best compliment, “You’ve got the most amazing pickle – and I love pickles!”
Entry #3: Shark Man
Even tho she and Frank didn’t get to pound more than the waves on the beach that night, thanks to that stupid jellyfish, Gia was still looking to have her hot From Beyond to Eternity moment. As she strolled along the sand, stopping to yank a tight piece of leopard print thong from her butt, a large fin rose out of the water and seemed to be heading in her direction.
Since it was kind of dark outside, Gia thought she was seeing the world’s biggest pouf but as it landed on the shore, she saw that it was that shark she had saved. Gia wasn’t scared of it, even when it rolled over and started turning into the juiciest gorilla guy she had ever seen.
“Whoa, I thought you were a girl!” Gia said as the now shark stud, wearing nothing but a string of seaweed over his jewels of the sea, got up and grabbed her for a stinky yet sexy embrace.
“Guess you were wrong, right?”
Gia didn’t need to talk anymore. Her only worry was that her new man’s lower accessories didn’t measure up to his big fish fin. No worries there, as it turned out.
Entry #4: Snickers & Cigars
So we were in my room and I figured what the hell, let’s do this. So I
grabbed his rosary and started tugging at it as I lipnibbled his ear
then moved down his guidoriffic abs, all the while getting krazy with
my kisses. He was hitting it hard too, ready to bone, but I wasn’t
going to give it up that easy. I continued to work my way down toward
his junk, but I wanted him to work for it b4 I was going to bust down
on his rolled cigar. I came up for a breath, looked him in the eye
and smiled. I grabbed his snickers bar as he went to town on my milky
ways and I let him motorboat his way to my cucha. I made him click my
dome b4 I returned the favor. He was getting hot, but I wasn’t ready
for him to blow. I hadn’t got mine yet. So I sat up and started
riding him real slow, then fast- going back and forth. Then side to
side. All this action got me ready to cum, so I let him empty his
Entry #5: Pickle Buffet, Axe & Tinactin
Gia walked into the apartment in front of Mario, making sure she put some extra slosh in her can of peaches under her bright yellow Lance Armstrong LiveStrong bracelet dress. This was his lucky night: Mario was about to get a taste of her fresh pickle buffet.
As she watched him drop onto the waterbed, she felt a familiar tingle, only this time she didn’t have to go to the clinic. Gia could smell the leather sheets, Axe and Tinactin and wondered for a sec if he might have some stinky crotch thing, but when he leaned back and took his silk shirt off she forgot all about it. He had abs you could cut a Jersey Mike’s sub on. Not a regular either. A giant on wheat with pepperoni and extra prosciuttini.
Gia didn’t want to look like she was too easy (and she was no whore), so she pulled out her tits and tried to look bored. If this Capri Sun didn’t make a move, she was going to have to mess up her pouf, and that pissed her off.
Scratching his crotch, Mario nodded towards Gia.
Gia’s panties dribbled off.
Entry #6: Don’t Mess with the Pouf
Frankie knocked the “Cougar-in-Training” hat off with one hairy forearm, then went to sink his hands into her hair. “Wait!” Gia grabbed his hands and slid them down and around until they struck badonkadonk. “Not the hair.” He might be a hot, tan, fire-fighting, jellyfish-sting-neutralizing, guido-juicehead-gorilla, but she had standards, and “Don’t mess with the pouf” was not negotiable.
Frankie grinned as he kneaded her butt through the hot pants, hooking his thumbs into the waistband as he ground up against her. “Hey, I’ll never turn down an ass as hot as yours.” He groaned. As sexy as she’d been covered in fire-extinguisher foam, she was even hotter on top of him. “Baby, I don’t think I can take much more of this.”
Gia was with him there. Grinding was great, but what she really wanted now was some explicit, R-rated sex. Frankie tugged her pants down to expose the fishnets underneath, and Gia tried to do the same with his jeans. Unfortunately, her pantsing attempt was unsuccessful.
“I thought you firefighters went for quick changes,” Gia panted, frustrated by complex technology. Okay, it was only a zipper, but at this rate, it was going to take them hours just to get naked.
Entry #7: Naughty Sharks
Gia began kissing Frankie, pressing her bare badonkadonks to his sweet Italian man-titties. They were making out on top of her zebra-print leopard bedspread. They were both naked, and Gia was ready to fuck.
“Oh, Frankie,” she moaned, moving her fingers across his manly abdomen, defined by lines so smooth you could lick spermalicious cream right off of them.
“Let me fuck you, Gia.”
“Hehehehe,” Gia giggled, “Take my clam.”
Frankie moved over her, making it so she could see all of his big man-stick.
His tanned juicehead skin smelled of gorilla. His penis was a Guido-y pickle of sex. She could practically taste the briny goodness of it.
He lowered into her, creating a frenzy of howling and moaning. They were like two superheroes of true love, coming together to fight crime with passion and orgasms.
Frankie screamed as he was about to release. “Gia!”
“Fill my clam with your juicehead pickle, Frankie,” she moaned.
Frankie gave her one last thrust and unloaded a volcano of spermalicious cream onto her. A river of clam chowder.
Gia exploded with pleasure, feeling it in the depths of her pouf.
They slept together like two naughty sharks the rest of the night.