Bitchin' Blog Posts
The Press May be Small, But the WTF is Mighty
by SB Sarah | by SB Sarah | October 21, 2008 | Tuesday at 7:09 pm | 49 CommentsThe presses, they may be small, but the WTFery perpetrated by the following covers is as mighty as it is wide. Fear them.
From Jane and Robin we have:
Sarah: I’d like to thank this cover for highlighted the importance of a breast self-exam, particularly at the opportune moment when one is stark naked and betwixt two stay-puft marshmallow men.
Candy: I have never seen a woman look so superfluous in a menage cover, ever. Look at them! The guys are all “Ew! Boobs! Man-nape on, the other hand…NOM NOM NOM.” And the chick’s all “But…but? Boobs? I has them. OK, how ‘bout I make an O-face? will that make it better? Guys? ...guys?”
From Karen S we have:
Sarah:: Say it with me now: “When the burning, itching, and soreness of hemorrhoids flare up….” Fiachra’s Kiss will turn your ass into a flaming, burning world of hurt.
Candy: Man, how much does it suck to have your book confused for a Terrance and Phillip movie?
And from Erastes, we have:
Sarah: I opened this file and literally said out loud, “Oh, God. No.” The poor butterfly. A perfectly acceptable image tossed into slimy pit of bad Photoshop hair, bad Photoshop skin, bad Photoshop horns, a miserable excuse for a Photoshop tail, and on top of all that, Bacchus’s badly Photoshopped son is humping a tree. That poor butterfly. Every one of its 12,000 ommatidia must be screaming.
Candy: You know what I think when I see that sassy little tail? I think of a poor, misguided chipmunk spelunkin’ for nuts. Except they’re not quite the nuts he wants or needs.
Filed: Covers Gone Wild! (Non-Snoop Dogg Edition)
Tagged: small press, ebooks, cover snark
Jennifer Armintrout said on 10.21.08 at 07:27 PM • [link]
Um. Wow.
They couldn’t burn/dodge the rest of Bacchus jr.‘s body? Did the budget run out right at his neck?
spam: while78. As in, “After seeing these covers, I might need to lie down a while… for like, 78 minutes.”
Sianne said on 10.21.08 at 07:38 PM • [link]
His head is a completely different color. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Katie Ann said on 10.21.08 at 07:44 PM • [link]
I cannot believe someone got paid to do that last cover. Or that, upon completing it, they thought it was good enough to submit and that someone actually approved it! What do they reject?!
Anya said on 10.21.08 at 07:49 PM • [link]
That is one twisted fantasy: A man with fire coming out of his butt and no head. I’m really afraid of where else he might be sprouting flames…or what else he might be missing *shudder*. Poor guy…
Jaci Burton said on 10.21.08 at 07:51 PM • [link]
his penis is on backwards.
Randi said on 10.21.08 at 08:15 PM • [link]
It’s just gotten to a point where I *cannot* look at covers for erotic books. They are all just soooooooooooooooooo bad. Bad. Not bad, as in Michael Jackson bad, but bad as in: should be relagated to the depths of graphic design Hell. *shivers* ugh.
function47: clearly these graphic designers do NOT know 47 functions of Photoshop.
Maggie said on 10.21.08 at 08:33 PM • [link]
Lol. Dreamspinner’s covers are usually so-so but some of them make my eyes bleed. If you think “Children of Bacchus” is bad, check out “Covenant in Blood.”
http://dreamspinnerpress.com/currenttitles/bloodseries/partnershipinbloodseries.htm
Though I guess that could be a case of ugly models, or whatever they did to make the models look ugly.
Rose said on 10.21.08 at 09:05 PM • [link]
A Terrance and Phillip movie… Candy, I think I love you.
Tina M. said on 10.21.08 at 09:14 PM • [link]
I’ll start scrap booking with a collection of these kind of covers. These are great!
Rebecca said on 10.21.08 at 09:21 PM • [link]
These covers are really scary. Breathtakingly bad. Objectively bad.
These are travesties of illustration and print design.
Please, folks, do not refer to the perpetrators of these covers as graphic designers. Doing so is an offense to all trained graphic designers out in this wide wonderful world.
@Maggie: Hard viewing indeed! I got a headache….;)
Joanne said on 10.21.08 at 09:40 PM • [link]
Jaci Burton said
his penis is on backwards.
Where? Where? Where do you SEE that????? LMAO!
Those covers…. soooo much WTF on one page, I’m too old for those kinds of surprises, I almost swallowed my tea bag.
JenTurner said on 10.21.08 at 09:41 PM • [link]
Wow. Those are…I can’t even find the words to express how bad. But this is a really good moment to remind all the readers out there that it’s not often an author gets any kind of control over their cover.
Now, if we could just get the guy from cover two into cover one…he’d probably feel a lot better and she might actually look interested.
karmelrio said on 10.21.08 at 09:54 PM • [link]
Jeebus, no wonder we’re still fighting for credibility. There is just no excuse for…these. WTF was the editor/publisher smoking? Pass it over, dudes.
Like that’s any consolation. These authors have every bit of my sympathy, because these covers are effin’ kryptonite.
Jessa Slade said on 10.21.08 at 09:57 PM • [link]
Um, this could make an interesting cover in the same style as those above, if you used it in the slang instead of the literal sense.
Iasmin said on 10.21.08 at 10:04 PM • [link]
Must remember to put down teacup before opening these things, dammit.
/em trundles off to find a towel to wipe down the computer
Elizabeth Wadsworth said on 10.21.08 at 10:07 PM • [link]
At first glance, I thought the first one was some kind of take-off on that famous Three Graces sculpture, what with the position of the main players and all. But whatever Liquid Crystal they’re floating in makes all three looks like they have really bad cellulite.
As for the other two: What the hell were they thinking? I mean really, what the hell were they thinking?!
shuzluva said on 10.21.08 at 10:09 PM • [link]
Re: Fiachra’s Kiss, I was lauging as I did the scroll-down. It made me think of Michael Kors when he yelled “She’s pooping fabric!” In this case, he’s shitting flames.
Terrance and Phillip. Candy, I am not going to be able to stop singing the Terrance and Phillip song now. Very work appropriate.
ev said on 10.21.08 at 10:19 PM • [link]
are we positive it isn’t a chipmunk stuck up his ass?
Really, I should not sit down and open this site when I get home from work without going to the bathroom first.
Silver James said on 10.21.08 at 10:28 PM • [link]
*blink* *cringe* *shudder*
Uhm. Ow. Just OWWWWWWWW!
Eunice said on 10.21.08 at 10:29 PM • [link]
Should not look at horrible covers while eating, it causes the choking dontcha know. I nearly died, Candy. You hilaritude nearly killed me.
rm said on 10.21.08 at 10:40 PM • [link]
@Maggie: -That is just scary! Why would anyone stick those Photoshop-mutant dudes on the cover? They totally ruin the picture of that beautiful building.
And above, in “Alliance in Blood”, I really enjoy the penis -I mean building!- in the background.
Maggie said on 10.21.08 at 10:47 PM • [link]
rm:
I know… I can’t even find the words to describe how revolting & totally UN-erotic that cover is.
OMG! This is the first time I’ve noticed the penis too! You have sharp eyes.
Kathy said on 10.21.08 at 10:53 PM • [link]
So, this is what they meant by firecrotch???
Lyra said on 10.21.08 at 10:54 PM • [link]
These are jokes, yes? They are purposely bad photoshop jobs making fun of bad covers, yes?
No? *runs screaming into the night*
PK said on 10.21.08 at 11:14 PM • [link]
LOLOLOL!
Theresa Meyers said on 10.21.08 at 11:35 PM • [link]
And this is why I love you bitches! OMG. Chipmunk. Ass. I think I haz to bleach my eyez now.
Jennie said on 10.21.08 at 11:40 PM • [link]
Why do women think they can always make the gay guys go straight—they clearly aren’t into getting some “bearded clam action”.
Breast exam gal reminds me of that Austin Powers scene with the Fembots and Austin
dancing
to that song “I touch myself”.
Pass that man some preparation H (gee, that was in Austin Powers too—maybe we’re onto something—it wasn’t chipmunk spelunking in the Austin Powers movie—it was the girl putting the suppository shaped transmitter up Fat Bastard’s bum, but maybe she’s a shapeshifter in disguise.
Start71—start looking for all 71 references to Austin Powers .
Sarah said on 10.22.08 at 12:05 AM • [link]
ow.
amy lane said on 10.22.08 at 01:20 AM • [link]
Oh Jesus… someone… go get little Chippy out of there… that’s not ri-ight!
And really, there IS place where a menage becomes two guys and a beard…
rebyj said on 10.22.08 at 01:23 AM • [link]
The Fiachara’s Kiss cover reminds me of the time my ex husband got into a jalepeno pepper eating contest with his buddies, that he actually won…....
the next day on the toilet…...........................lets just say the pic describes his screams and curses perfectly. LOL
Brenda Williamson said on 10.22.08 at 02:29 AM • [link]
Interesting perspectives [Fiachra’s Kiss]
I feel honored to have one of my covers make a list, even the worst cover list - some notice is better than no notice :-)
Brenda
Indikaze said on 10.22.08 at 04:51 AM • [link]
Thanks a lot, guys. Now I can’t even look at that cover without thinking, “That poor chipmunk!” in horror.
sadieloree said on 10.22.08 at 07:04 AM • [link]
OMG Candy! Your chipmunk comment sent my coffee out my nose. And I am guessing I’ll be giggling all day while enjoying the lingering aroma of dark roast. Too funny.
Jenyfer Matthews said on 10.22.08 at 08:05 AM • [link]
Jaci Burton said
his penis is on backwards.
That’s exactly what I was thinking!
Danielle said on 10.22.08 at 09:52 AM • [link]
That first one - the woman looks like she’s squeezing her way through the two of them.
“‘Scuze me… coming through… excuse me. Thanks.” *emerges from crowd, continues on*
(my captcha is “result17” - if this is their 17th attempt, I’d hate to see the previous 16.)
Tea said on 10.22.08 at 12:36 PM • [link]
I think the biggest issue I have with Firebutt Boy is that his body looks…backwards. There’s shoulders and all, and then… midway it seems to swap… and I expect a belly button, because there’s nothing that flows into what would be a nice set of buns.
It could be that the other covers have made me go blind, however.
Shae said on 10.22.08 at 03:52 PM • [link]
This kills me to say it, but the first cover reminds me of something so wrong. Has anyone ever watched a movie where there are a bunch of male butts (like the beach scene in Eurotrip) and there are the old, wrinkly, saggy ones? Well the first one reminds me of old man butts. Ick!
Kimberly Van Meter said on 10.22.08 at 04:33 PM • [link]
Holy hot dogs! Le Horreur! If I received a cover like that I’d sob myself to sleep and hope when I woke up I’d realize it was all a terrible dream. Blech…I feel sort of bad for the authors but then, if you check out these publisher’s websites, many of the covers are objectionable IMO so maybe they knew what they were getting into and didn’t mind so much. *shrug* But if it were me…*shudder*
Lynne Connolly said on 10.22.08 at 07:32 PM • [link]
If I received a cover like that I’d sob myself to sleep and hope when I woke up I’d realize it was all a terrible dream.
But Kimberley, you write for Harlequin!
Joking apart, this isn’t my all time favorite cover, but when my friend said weakly, “Pretty colour,” when I showed her, I thought it might end up somewhere like this!
The heroes of the book are mermen, but there’s not a fin in sight, which was what concerned me, and that one of the heroes has waist-length hair, but yes, the colour was nice.
I’ve had great covers, and I’ve had some really bad ones (did you see the original cover for “Eternal Beauty, Eternal Darkness?) but you take what you get and go with it. I don’t really get a huge say in the covers I get, and after one pathetic effort at designing my own (“Vanessa”), I let them get on with it.
That artist has done some of the prettiest covers I’ve ever seen, but they can’t all be winners.
Le sigh.
Chrissy said on 10.22.08 at 07:49 PM • [link]
Chip: Dale?
(Silence in the forest.)
Chip: Dale? Dale?? Wha—- OHMYGOD— DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALE!!!!!!
*sob*
karmelrio said on 10.22.08 at 10:00 PM • [link]
WHY???? Call me a rabble-rouser, a naive newbie, forever blackball me in the industry, but ...really. Why? I’m confused why authors seem to be so accepting, so ... passive on this point. I get that the publisher has a lot of the power here, but it certainly can’t help sales, the bottom line, if the author is embarrassed to be seen in public with their book because the cover is so heinous.
DO.NOT.GET.
Darlene Marshall said on 10.23.08 at 12:35 AM • [link]
I love you two so much!
Wryhag said on 10.23.08 at 01:11 AM • [link]
Nah. Dontcha know the children of Bacchus have TWO—even the girls?
I just got a gorgeous cover from Loose Id, btw. They produce some of the best in ebookland . . . most of the time.
Wryhag said on 10.23.08 at 01:16 AM • [link]
Oh, now I know what’s up with that tail. It isn’t a tail at all. It’s a wick. This is the same dude from the cover above, before his vindictive girlfriend, with the help of Joey Greco, caught him fooling around in the woods!
Angelia Sparrow said on 10.23.08 at 03:34 AM • [link]
karmelrio, one takes what one gets often because there is no time to do otherwise.
I got cover art the day before one release. Something about they lost the request sheet three times over the Christmas holidays.
When there is time, the artist may be willing to make changes. One made one of the white gym bunnies he’d given me into a Cherokee, and slimmed down the other and recolored the truck.
Another publisher…I don’t know what my cover looks like until release day. It never really occurs to send art to the author.
eaeaea said on 10.23.08 at 01:05 PM • [link]
That 2nd cover - Fiachra’s Kiss.
Am I the only one thinking that he lit his own fart?
It was a big one, too…
My sympathies to the authors.
Sarah said on 10.25.08 at 08:04 AM • [link]
Man nape? Nom, nom indeed!
reesa said on 11.18.08 at 07:42 AM • [link]
I hope the tail isn’t proportional.
Puffpuff said on 12.23.08 at 09:18 AM • [link]
Holy Christ. To paraphrase a line I heard elsewhere:
“That’s not just bad. That’s a bad apple that fell off the bad tree, hit every bad branch on the way down, landed in a puddle of bad, then got eaten by a bad rat, who crawled up the bad peasant’s leg, bit him in the balls, and started the bubonic plague of bad.”
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