Bitchin' Blog Posts
The Old School WTF Show Continues
by SB Sarah | by SB Sarah | July 24, 2008 | Thursday at 2:40 pm | 51 CommentsI have a stack of book covers to get through, each one more awesome than the next - and by “awesome” I mean “so searingly neon in color and utterly bizarre in artistic construct that I can only gape and wish with a naughty part of myself that there were more covers on the market now that looked like these, if only for the sake of hilarity.” Or something like that.
Sarah: “She’d never give her love to the strong handsome cowboy?” Normally you might say to yourself, “Suuuure she won’t.” Come on: he’s shirtless and has a mullet - how could she resist? But what you don’t know is that she’s already given her tender daisy blossom to someone else. And he’s racing in from the east to put a stop to that temptesting right… about… now.
Candy: Aw, man, I wish the horse freaking out in the background were a dragon just so I can yell “And the Trogdor comes in the NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT.” Because look at that horse! Man, it’s pissed. It’s ready to do some burninatin’. Or at the very least some stompin’-the-everlovin-shit-out-of-that-shit.
Sarah: She may be destiny’s temptress, but she’s got nothing compared to the temptation of self tanner that makes your skin appear the exact same hue as a horse in the background.
Candy: That bilious tinge on the guy’s skin looks really suspicious to me. If you ask me, he looks rather like one of the walking dead who’s slathered self-tanner on himself to disguise the state of his decomposition. She thinks he’s nuzzling her. He’s just savoring the smell of her spicy brains.
Sarah: The boy is sad because:
1. His momma made him wear pink shoes.
2. His momma is grabbing her own ass while kissing up to a skanky cowboy right in front of his virgin eyes.
3. His momma’s hair matches her cowboy lover’s mullet.
4. All of the above.
Candy: Poor lady! You don’t need to play grab-ass with yourself any more. Look, you’ve finally found a beautifully-sculpted man who’s clearly into going to the gym, shaving all his body hair off and playing cowboy dress up…
Oh.
Wait.
OK, never mind, then. Keep on playin’ grab-ass with your bad self.
Sarah: Merry?
Yes, Devon?
We are the protagonists in arguably one of the best romances ever, correct?
Yes.
And we pretty much set the bar for historical romances, particularly those involving pirates.
That’s true.
So why did our book cover put us in front of a pepto bismol sea under a purple sky with a disturbing happy jolly roger over our heads? Where are we?!
I don’t know, but you need to have the roots of your mullet touched up.
Yes, dear.
Nice sword, though.
Thank you.
Candy: Dear lord. That cover looks like what would happen if a host of My Little Ponies, after a weekend bender in Vegas, decided to puke it all back up. Except one of them had accidentally eaten a hooker AND some bad props from the Treasure Island hotel in an alcohol-fueled daze.
Filed: Covers Gone Wild! (Non-Snoop Dogg Edition)
Tagged: pirates, make the burning stop, dragons
Debra Date said on 07.24.08 at 03:11 PM • [link]
I just can’t get over the *PINK* field in the background of #2 !! GAH !!
aliciel said on 07.24.08 at 03:14 PM • [link]
That guy in The Cowboy’s Lover is popping some serious veins on his arm there…or are they worms?
Monica Burns said on 07.24.08 at 03:28 PM • [link]
I’ve got the Windflower on my TBR for my trip to SanFran. A friend loaned it to me and says its one of the best romance books she’s ever read. But I DON’T have that cover. The one on my book is simply a nice blue background with a nice flower on it. Simple and elegant. *grin*
Victoria Janssen said on 07.24.08 at 03:35 PM • [link]
PIIIIIIIIII-IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.
The pink! It burns!!!
Meredith said on 07.24.08 at 03:45 PM • [link]
After viewing the gloriousness that is Dr. Horrible’s Sing A Long Blog, I am convinced that the first cover shows the origin of Bad Horse, aka Satan’s Thoroughbred aka the Thoroughbred of Sin.
lilywhite said on 07.24.08 at 04:05 PM • [link]
Aw, man—The Windflower is out of print? Looks like some price-gouging going on over there at Amazon. OH FOR A KINDLE VERSION!
Gah. Anyone wanna loan it?
Monica Burns said on 07.24.08 at 04:07 PM • [link]
Aw, man—The Windflower is out of print? Looks like some price-gouging going on over there at Amazon.
Look at Powells online, B&N;resellers. I saw one a few weeks ago, hardcover for around $16. Can’t loan mine, it doesn’t belong to me. :-(
Leslie H said on 07.24.08 at 04:34 PM • [link]
In the first one, she has to be the worlds tallest woman. She must be at least two feet taller than he is!
In the second one, my eye is drawn to horse number 2 who is obviously being stalked by number 1. I can hear “Let’s Get it On” in the background.
In the third one, I think she is holding on to her wallet. His hand is equally obviously reaching for it.
The final one is a fitting for the new ‘Hold-er-up Brassiere’. He is just measuring her. I love the ring on her middle finger for giving the ornamental bird.
Kalen Hughes said on 07.24.08 at 04:38 PM • [link]
Candy. She breaks me.
And am I the only one wondering what the hell drug the mother of the “Cowboy” took while pregnant? His humerus is like four inches too short. He’s practically a thalidomide flipper man.
Darlene Marshall said on 07.24.08 at 04:42 PM • [link]
Candy, the legal community doesn’t deserve your brilliance. But the rest of us do.
And yes, that’s the copy of The Windflower that I have. There’s something wrong with this world when one of the classics of historical romance gets that cover.
Wryhag said on 07.24.08 at 04:44 PM • [link]
Well, duh, the lady is playing grab-ass with herself because her cowboy’s arm is in a sling! For all we know, his dick and his nuts are in there, too. (Kid in the background might be a whole lot meaner than he looks . . .)
Tina said on 07.24.08 at 04:47 PM • [link]
#3: In front of the the kid, really? I mean, is that the best audience they could get?
#4: The couple is kind of hot (for once).
Leslie Dicken said on 07.24.08 at 04:51 PM • [link]
Damn. Why haven’t my trips to Vegas resulted in something like this? I must not be drinking the right shit.
Chicklet said on 07.24.08 at 04:52 PM • [link]
Dear Old-School Cover Artists,
What is up with those random animals in the background? Was it some sort of requirement from the publishers? Did your guild demand it as proof of membership? EXPLAIN, PLEASE.
Sincerely,
Chicklet.
Lyvvie said on 07.24.08 at 05:11 PM • [link]
I was thinking the Ginger on Destiny’s Temptress must be thinking “It’s a triple hook. With a rack like this I need extra support. He’s not getting it, is he. Oh just let me get it myself…”
I’ve been there.
LeaF said on 07.24.08 at 05:24 PM • [link]
That first cover makes my eyes jump, the next step is an epileptic seizure.
All I can say - flash backs to the 1980’s, shakes head and sighs.
Your comments - ROFL.
TracyS said on 07.24.08 at 06:00 PM • [link]
The My Little Pony comments just killed me~ROFLMAO!
And the Cowboy cover~in front of the kid~srsly?! ICK!!
corrine said on 07.24.08 at 06:30 PM • [link]
Okay, I have never read Windflower, but I am now determined to get my hands on a copy. Even if I do have to pay $25 for a mass market paper back. I will laminate that sucker and make it live forever.
Nancy D'Inzillo said on 07.24.08 at 07:04 PM • [link]
Seriously, I was wondering the same thing myself. Are these book cover illustrators weird in the head or is this just a fast way for them to make money and so they attempt to make fun of us romance readers with their hideous covers hoping we’ll be too ashamed to read them? I do remember I’m not the only who thinks half the appeal of e-books for romance readers is that we don’t have to sit on the bus bearing a ridiculously embarrassing (and often BAD) romance cover to the world.
willa said on 07.24.08 at 07:33 PM • [link]
I actually really love these covers. They’re all so delightfully campy and colorful, and the horsies and the daisies and the neon eyeshadow and eeeeee! I love them. I’m bored already with the tasteful, bland, personality-free covers that we have today. Although all of the cover models on these books are just the same woman with different-colored hair, I don’t care. Love ‘em!
Wendy said on 07.24.08 at 08:15 PM • [link]
The manflesh of the Texas Tempest seems to be lacking in limbs. Honestly, where has his leg gone? Eaten by magenta mist? ...or Trogdor the horse? Maybe the horse is coming back for seconds.
yikes.
SusanL said on 07.24.08 at 08:26 PM • [link]
I want to know what is up w/Cowboy Woman’s hand?? It is knarly, knotty and BIG! With short pointy fingernails? It is as big as fake Cowboy’s hand. It’s a monster hand.
Maybe she IS a monster. Maybe she has to shift to her true monster self when she mates with the human fake cowboy?
Catherine said on 07.24.08 at 08:31 PM • [link]
The second one, “Destiny’s Temptress”, totally reminds me of the old musical “Seven Brides for Seven Brothers”. Anyone else? ...No? Come on, look at the colors! ...Still no? Never mind then.
Gwen said on 07.24.08 at 08:55 PM • [link]
Guy number two is skinny and looks like he’s growing horse #2 out of his head.
You’re apparently not drinking them out of the fishbowl glasses SB Sarah like to drink out of. ;-)
Spaminator word: example26 - YES SHE IS! :lol:
karmelrio said on 07.24.08 at 09:10 PM • [link]
MANHANDS.
Cyranetta said on 07.24.08 at 09:20 PM • [link]
One can see from Texas Tempest why it’s probably more convincing to have one’s heroine’s eyes closed. One runs the risk of having the heroine look asleep or dead, but slumbrous pleasure can at least be approximated. Texas Tempest temptress looks goosed or distracted by unseen wildlife.
Suzanne said on 07.24.08 at 09:25 PM • [link]
Karmelrio…MANHANDS…hilarious! Maybe SHE is the one that broke fake cowboy’s arm and why the kid is keeping his distance…MANHANDS doesn’t know her own strength!!
Mantelli said on 07.24.08 at 09:39 PM • [link]
Corinne, there’s a large print paperback of Windflower over at ebay for under $6 right now. Better snap it up!
Lizzy said on 07.24.08 at 09:59 PM • [link]
I also love these old covers. They are hilarious. Also, they are totally honest.
For example, when I see Texas Tempest, I know I can expect a lusty read in which a beautiful heroine and a handsome cowboy will have a passionate love affair in front of a blazing hot sun that eventually consumes the entire earth and all its helpless white ponies. In Destiny’s Temptress, I know I will enjoy a story that features a beautiful heroine with color-treated hair and a handsome hero who should regularly see a dermatologist to assess his skin cancer risks. Also, that they will fuck in front of what appears to be either a.) Tara or b.) Forrest Gump’s house.
And when I read The Cowboy’s Lover, I understand I will be savoring a story about a beautiful heroine and a “cowboy” who employs a sling to garner the attention of single mothers, which sort of reminds me of that A&E;show I saw revealing how Ted Bundy operated, so I probably won’t actually read this one.
Beth said on 07.24.08 at 11:33 PM • [link]
what is that rectangular thing in the upper right hand corner of the first two covers? Looks kinda like a maxi-pad for the great mother of all periods.
ev said on 07.24.08 at 11:48 PM • [link]
Thankfully I don’t have that cover on my copy of The Windflower either. Whew.
I love the campy covers. They do insipire hilarity.
but really, do we need a holographic duplicate in the corner???
Caffey said on 07.25.08 at 12:53 AM • [link]
LOL. I confess, I have covers something like those, around here as well, but not those books, except for WINDFLOWER and its a different cover too! Some keepers that are keepers for the stories (not the covers). LOL.
SonomaLass said on 07.25.08 at 01:04 AM • [link]
Trogdor! OMG, that’s the hardest I have laughed in days!!! Burninatin’ background animals—a new item for the romance cover checklist.
Cover snark is the best, just the best, source of laughter. I SO needed this.
Yes, Lizzy, yes!!!
KimberlyD said on 07.25.08 at 01:15 AM • [link]
Ummm…so somehow I missed the holographic miniature reproductions of each cover ON THE COVER the first go-round. Seriously people, do we need a mini cover of the cover on the cover? Does this not sound redundant in some way? Or is the shiny supposed to distract from the hideous? Because its not that good of a shiny if I didn’t notice it immediately…
lilywhite said on 07.25.08 at 01:18 AM • [link]
If I’m remembering right from my misspent youth, the hologram was always of the same thing, some type of close-up clinchy-type pose. I think it was heads only, it’s all so long ago. At any rate, I don’t remember it as being a reproduction of the individual cover.
lilywhite said on 07.25.08 at 01:20 AM • [link]
Should really look at things BEFORE I post—yeah, if you look at the first two covers here, the holograph is the same.
smartmensab-tch said on 07.25.08 at 03:06 AM • [link]
Thanks Bitches Sarah and Candy! And thanks to everyone else for your comments. You cheered me up after a day of dealing with the Psycho Vendor from Hell - yes, really. I work in Accounts Payable, and in my opinion, my management is enabling his behavior.
What did he do, you ask? Let’s just say that he has an interesting and unique approach to collections calls.
Jahdra said on 07.25.08 at 03:32 AM • [link]
Oh, no. They fuck under it. Under the veranda, actually, while the Confederate army tramped around overhead. Our Hero decided that would be the perfect time for an extended fuck. Under the house. While keeping her ears covered, so she had no idea they weren’t alone.
As for Texas Tempest, IIRC, it involves a decrepit elderly husband, a stint in a Mexican bordello, a little faux S&M;for the voyeurs in the bordello, the hero’s distaste for women who move and make noise during sex, and the fact that the heroine’s “female passage” had dried up from lack of use.
Sara Reinke said on 07.25.08 at 03:52 AM • [link]
I just ruptured something laughing at the cowboy in the sling. In a sling, for God’s sake! Even now, I’m wiping iced tea off my laptop screen, having snorted it out my nose…
Ahhh, cover snark day at Smart Bitches. Besides payday at the office, is there really anything better?
Anonym2857 said on 07.25.08 at 05:44 AM • [link]
~scratching head and squinting~
Now I will grant you, focusing isn’t my strong suit. I see double on good days and haven’t had many good days lately, but I dunno… if they toned down that bilious neon Pepto Bismol pink, maybe put in some sea-colored water and took away the overexposed/jaundiced tones to their skin, I almost like that Windflower cover. The concept, anyway, if not the execution. They’d also need to show a bit more of the bow (or is that a stern?) so that the flag didn’t look like it was floating on its own and sneaking up to pounce, but I kindof like the couple’s silhouette. Even if Merry does look like she’s been mostly dead all day. LOL
But that’s prolly just because I’ve always thought the first edition cover left something to be desired – the rather blah earthy oranges and greens with jarring red lettering.
Diane
Spaminator: getting41 ... indeed. I may need to haul those spare copies out of the garage if people are getting $41 (or $215 !?! ) for ‘em on the book selling sites. Jakers.
eaeaea said on 07.25.08 at 12:10 PM • [link]
I love those old covers the way I love bad 80’s one-hit wonders.
I had the screen up at work, everyone did a double-take and said ‘WTF’. The second cover: man definitely has hepatitis and presents a health risk to the red-head.
Consensus was that Windflowers’ Devon was weighing Merry’s right boob while visually comparing to her left boob. He looked confused and struggling to pick the best boob.
Bitchery Q: Are horses the only animal symbolic for romance or eroticism?
Darlene Marshall said on 07.25.08 at 02:49 PM • [link]
eaeaea—It’s not always horses. I was gifted with a pink flamingo on the cover of my December 2008 German release of Smuggler’s Bride. Because nothing says “Florida Historical Romance” like a deranged bird hovering in the background.
You can see it here.
lilywhite said on 07.25.08 at 03:01 PM • [link]
Darlene, that flamingo never stops being funny.
corrine said on 07.25.08 at 03:09 PM • [link]
The bidding has crept up to almost the same price I can get it for at amazon, but thanks for the tip.
Darlene Marshall said on 07.25.08 at 04:05 PM • [link]
lilywhite, if that flamingo inspires people to buy tons of my books for all their friends, I don’t care how many busty heroines and chesty heroes it menaces.[g]
mirain said on 07.25.08 at 06:34 PM • [link]
Swans are also pretty common, for English settings. Maybe horses = Unbridled passion in the wild west while swans stand for Regency maidens? Cover icons to let you know what’s inside.
Sara said on 07.25.08 at 09:24 PM • [link]
Hey Darlene,
Thanks for sharing the german cover. Not only the freaky flamingo, but wtf is going on with her legs? Removed a leg and moved it over? Twisted back like my old barbie’s were often found? And hey, w hen the heroine’s thigh is bigger than the big manly hero’s it’s just not right…
Chicklet said on 07.25.08 at 09:59 PM • [link]
Maybe they got your Floridian historical romance confused with a wacky Floridian Dave Barry mystery?
Liz said on 07.25.08 at 10:47 PM • [link]
These are so fun. Sometimes I just shake my head at some of the covers. Here’s a good one: Embracing Your Big Fat Ass. If features a drawing of a woman really swiveling those hips (not nearly as big and fat as the title would suggest!). Beyond the cover, it’s a fun book, focosing on humorous self-acceptance. Seems perfect for a web site like this! Wicked funny.
Trix said on 07.26.08 at 05:18 PM • [link]
No, no, that’s not Hepatitis Man on #2 - it’s Doc Savage (the Man of Bronze), moonlighting!
Lovecow2000 said on 07.28.08 at 08:01 PM • [link]
The holograph shows the blazing love that was a hallmark of all Zebra romances.
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