Bitchin' Blog Posts
The Henley Bodice Prize for First Lines in Romance
by SB Sarah | by SB Sarah | August 18, 2008 | Monday at 12:26 pm | 109 CommentsIn honor of this year’s Bulwer Lytton prize winners for 2008, it’s time, I think, for the worst first line in a romance novel competition. I know there is a “romance” category in the real Bulwer-Lytton, but given the depths (hur) of your creativity, there needed to be more.
You know the drill: give us your original works of horrid first line art, that you yourself wrote, as awful and excellent as possible please! Comments are open for 24 hours, so leave your first line of awesomeness there. I’ll be doing something different this time around, though: in the comments, we’ll take nominations for the finals. So if you see a first line there you like, nominate it for the finals, and I’ll post the final slate of top-nominated first lines for final voting.
First prize: $25 gift certificate for the bookstore of your choice (Powell’s or Amazon), plus Romance Novel Poetry Kit for your eternal amusement while you stand at the fridge wondering if you’re hungry or just wanted to feel a cool breeze.
Second prize: Something Awesome. I’m not at the Prize Suitcase right now but there’s awesome in there, I promise.
Third Prize: see above!
Why The Henley Bodice Prize? Because Virginia Henley wrote some marvelously bizarre and downright screeching first scenes for her novels, with some great first lines, particularly my favorite, Dream Lover:
As the perfectly formed, timeless shape of the rounded head emerged, still glistening with wetness, Emerald couldn’t take her eyes from it.
Bring it on!
Filed: Go Ahead, Win Some Shit
Tagged: make the burning stop, awesomeness, amazon
eaeaea said on 08.18.08 at 01:28 PM • [link]
I love the link - nearly choked on my hot chocolate:
I need more time to think of purple awesomeness worthy enough…
Joanna said on 08.18.08 at 01:44 PM • [link]
i love that!
hehe, paint
Elizabeth Wadsworth said on 08.18.08 at 02:13 PM • [link]
This one just cracks me up for some reason:
<
>
Off to think up my own now!
Elizabeth Wadsworth said on 08.18.08 at 02:19 PM • [link]
Oops, it didn’t copy for some reson, but it was the one about the sunrise in a French village and the dead hamster.
Marna said on 08.18.08 at 02:32 PM • [link]
Long time reader, first time poster. :)
Alex said on 08.18.08 at 03:09 PM • [link]
From the depraved depths of bad Harry Potter fanficery, I give you the opening line of ‘My Immortal’.
To continue the eye burning, it continues thus:
Lori said on 08.18.08 at 03:33 PM • [link]
Oh delight.
This is one I wrote ages ago and it still delights me.
Ellie said on 08.18.08 at 03:37 PM • [link]
Are we allowed to enter more than one?
SB Sarah said on 08.18.08 at 03:45 PM • [link]
Absolutely. The more the horrible-r.
Elizabeth Wadsworth said on 08.18.08 at 03:59 PM • [link]
Okay, here goes:
CONTEMPORARY:
“Damn you, Brad Parker, damn you to hell!†gritted Verity Toussaint, her pearly teeth clenched, full, moist pink lips compressed in an unfeminine snarl of frustrated rage, dark eyes flashing sparks like a malfunctioning electrical outlet as she struggled to contain the snarling beast held captive between her quivering, glistening thighs; then, with a wild mocking laugh in which triumph and revenge commingled, she gunned the vintage Harley forward and ground to a powder Brad’s cherished, fragile collection of Weird Tales pulp magazines.â€
PARANORMAL:
“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that any single Vampire Lord newly arrived from Transylvania with a wad of cash and several wooden boxes of dubious function, must be in want not only of prime London real estate but several nubile females upon whom to slake his insatiable bloodlust.â€
HISTORICAL:
“Light from innumerable flickering torches cast eldritch shadows on the rough-hewn granite walls of the Great Hall as Morag, the new Lady McAllister, watched her bridegroom, Dougal, egged on by a score of drunken cronies, down his seventeenth usquebaugh and topple slowly backwards from his carved oaken chair in a clatter of plate armour; pouting yet resigned, she tossed a well-gnawed ferret bone to the eager wolfhound and gloomily contemplated the prospect of a wedding night spent alone with naught but a plate of sugared almonds and Chretien de Troyes’ latest bestseller for company.â€
mind64—together, our minds can come up with at least 64 of these.
Lizzy said on 08.18.08 at 04:08 PM • [link]
Whoa. I just read the book summary of Dream Lover on Romantic Times Book Review; the hero falls for the heroine when he sees her riding a dolphin.
I live in South Florida, where we have many dolphins. Riding them is generally regarded as a bad idea; also, a felony.
Ri L. said on 08.18.08 at 04:17 PM • [link]
Thanks ever so, Bitches, for introducing me via that link to the phrase “post-Hegelian neo-hipster angst monkey,” which I shall now endeavor to work into conversation at every possible opportunity.
lysrian said on 08.18.08 at 04:28 PM • [link]
I love Bulwer Lytton, thanks for running this contest!
lysrian said on 08.18.08 at 04:30 PM • [link]
ok, so there was a typo in that line…. the question is do I correct it or pretend it was part of my evil plan.
Correct it.
Ellie said on 08.18.08 at 04:32 PM • [link]
Victoriana was blonde, leggy, and had curves in all the right places, except the top of her head, which, Buck noticed, was actually quite pointy, not to mention, as he now couldn’t stop noticing it, very distracting.
—-
Rutger had been watching her sleep for hours, curled up in a shaft of morning sun; now, she stirred, purred “Hi, honey,” and stretched, like a cat, opening her eyes and gazing at him with an expression much like his own cats’ at home, a look of disdainful impatience for him to get up and fix the morning meal.
—-
Count Orvalie de Gruuyer was an exceedingly sinful man; enviously slothful, greedily gluttonous, pridefully wrathful, and, with a ten-inch member and an eleven-million-franc fortune, the object of lust for every woman in the district.
Jessa Slade said on 08.18.08 at 04:32 PM • [link]
Ah, the adjectival potential…
Will the nomination comments close in 24 hours as well? Or will we get to see all the awfulness before we decide?
SB Sarah said on 08.18.08 at 04:42 PM • [link]
Nomination in the comments will close in 24 hours, yes. So post your faves and nominate all day and all night, baby, yeah. You can nominate more than once. I’m not limiting the slate of finals. Voting will occur as soon as I can assemble the entry with magic voting powers.
Midnight Voyager said on 08.18.08 at 05:29 PM • [link]
Dear GOD, I initially glanced over the entry, catching only the Dream Lover quote, and I thought it was about childbirth. *clenches thighs!*
StephB said on 08.18.08 at 05:41 PM • [link]
I nominate Elizabeth Wadsworth’s paranormal entry, “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that any single Vampire Lord newly arrived from Transylvania with a wad of cash and several wooden boxes of dubious function, must be in want not only of prime London real estate but several nubile females upon whom to slake his insatiable bloodlust.†Love it! (And embarrassingly, I might actually read at least the first couple of pages of a novel that began that way…)
E.D'Trix said on 08.18.08 at 05:41 PM • [link]
She was a dark and stormy sprite, her glistening, naked form rising from the tangled sheets like a slippery, seaweed-draped dolphin leaping from foam-kissed waves.
Elizabeth Wadsworth said on 08.18.08 at 05:42 PM • [link]
I think that quote actually IS about childbirth; however, the odd wording suggests incipient conception as well.
Julie Leto said on 08.18.08 at 05:46 PM • [link]
Lizzy, DREAM LOVER is a historical. But my favorite opening line to a Henley novel is, “What a beautiful cock!”
And yes, it’s a chicken.
Hilarious.
I love Virginia’s books. They’re filled with history and good, old-fashioned lusty sex and romance and never take themselves too seriously. Fun, fun, fun!
Esri Rose said on 08.18.08 at 05:47 PM • [link]
I nominate Elizabeth Wadsworth’s contemporary entry. OMG, so good.
Esri Rose said on 08.18.08 at 05:55 PM • [link]
As recently orphaned Amy Tangerine stood barefoot and destitute outside the smoking ruins of her Manhattan apartment building, not only was her fiance’ of seven years hitting on the female cop assigned to the arson case, but her boss was striding down the pavement toward her, pink slip in hand.
Esri Rose said on 08.18.08 at 06:00 PM • [link]
I’d take out the passive voice, but these are supposed to be bad, right? Just looking at it makes my fingers itch.
Esri Rose said on 08.18.08 at 06:03 PM • [link]
I can’t stand it.
Version 2:
As recently orphaned Amy Tangerine stood barefoot and destitute outside the smoking ruins of her Manhattan apartment building, she watched her fiance’ of seven years hit on the female cop assigned to the arson case, while behind him, her boss strode down the pavement toward her, pink slip in hand.
AnimeJune said on 08.18.08 at 06:43 PM • [link]
Historical:
Karen said on 08.18.08 at 06:54 PM • [link]
James Wright didn’t just think he was God’s gift to women, he was reminded of it every time a pretty little skirt decided to join him back at his place for a ride on his pony, if you know what I mean.
Carrie Lofty said on 08.18.08 at 07:05 PM • [link]
Thrusting and thrusting again into the gasping blonde groupie sprawled across a hot pink Naugahyde loveseat, Leo “Nasty” Houston’s member was like a hard-working mole digging its winter shelter: its snout slick and hairless, blind to all but its instinctual purpose, and intensely fond of warm, dark, welcoming warrens.
Lyvvie said on 08.18.08 at 07:11 PM • [link]
Sophie was very nervous about having her “woman’s” examination in this new city with a new doctor. Yet when she saw Dr. Holding’s lush as an Irish field green eyes her knees fell open before he even had to ask her. When he ran the speculum under warm water before turning to her, she knew he was The One.
——
Brandy let out a long sigh when she realized she was caught with no chance of escape from Captain Armatey, the filthy pirate, which was a big mistake as no sooner was the rib-expanding breath out of her then a faint ripping sound was heard traveling from her heart to her navel and suddenly her ample pink globes burst forth for all the see, heaving again and refusing to be restrained behind her dainty hands.
Esri Rose said on 08.18.08 at 07:16 PM • [link]
I nominate Lyvvie’s second entry, the one with Brandy and the pirate. (snort!)
Esri Rose said on 08.18.08 at 07:17 PM • [link]
“Armatey…”
OMG, I just got that.
HilciaJ said on 08.18.08 at 07:23 PM • [link]
Historical:
Lady Eleanor Wadsworth-Pennington had always thought she’d understood her mother when she said, “Beware the rakes, they cause only pain and misery!†until she finally stepped on one and the stout wooden handle swooped up and smacked her on the face, breaking her nose and causing her to curse the lazy but irrepressible gardener Louis in a most unladylike manner.
Okay—I nominate AnimeJune—it just made me howl!
MS Jones said on 08.18.08 at 07:27 PM • [link]
I nominate Marna’s entry:
Way to come out of lurkdom with a bang, Marna.
Now here’s my offerings:
The Billionaire’s Secret Foot Fetish
Sophia entered her Italian boss’s boardroom trepidatiously, ready to retreat like a snail, which she could do faster than any gastropod because the only similarity between her jelly shoes and a slimy Tuscan molluscan was the translucent shiny gleam so like her boss’s eyes when they fell upon her toes.
The Blood-Stained Glass
If Vheronica could have studied her reflection in the mirror she would have seen eyes the deep purple color of eggplant, lips that pouted like a pigeon in heat, and fangs like one of those sunsets when the sky is all kind of streaky red and yellow; but she was a vampire so she couldn’t.
The Ballad of the Bodacious Bust
Prudence swept onto the train platform, her bustle rustling like a passel of cattle thieves, marched up to Jake and said, “You’re my ticket out of here, cowboy,†and just to make sure he got her drift she ripped open her bodice to display breasts the creamy, soft consistency of Brie cheese.
Cyranetta said on 08.18.08 at 07:32 PM • [link]
Delightful entries so far, but I have to nominate:
Elizabeth Wadsworth’s Vampire Lord Austen pastiche.
Also AnimeJune’s “Rake” historical/hysterical.
Lyra said on 08.18.08 at 07:37 PM • [link]
Entry 1:
Despite the sudden thunderstorm that plastered their clothes to their heated, writhing bodies, Francesca knew that they were too far gone in the throes of passion to stop and seek shelter in the memorial garden’s gazebo; Andreas, the gorgeous stallion of an Argentine she’d only met hours ago, ran his rough manly hands over her, eagerly denuding her body and exciting her to screams of ecstasy that surely would rouse the dead from their nearby graves.
Entry 2:
Aureole cursed her parents for the umpteenth time as the sexy green-eyed man sitting before her snorted into his napkin at her name (Yeah, like Renaldo Cerviche is such a normal non-appetizer name); she was going to kill Pendal for setting her up with this man, at least, she would as soon as she figured out why she insisted on taking dating advice from a talking cat the size of a small mountain.
Maybe more later?
Jessica Andersen said on 08.18.08 at 07:39 PM • [link]
Julie, this was the first one that came to my mind, too, especially since I listened to the book on audio at a new (and rather short-lived) temping job prior to grad school, stuck the CD in, didn’t notice the earphones weren’t all the way plugged in and the volume waaay up… and blasted the line across a rather quiet, stodgy office.
Oops.
Jessa Slade said on 08.18.08 at 07:41 PM • [link]
I nominate MS Jones for “translucent shiny gleam so like her boss’s eyes.” I’m in Portland OR so I have a soft squishy place in my heart for mollusks.
Also Anime June for “the lazy but irrepressible gardener Louis” because I can see purple prose with garden hoses and awesome erotic love scenes with gardening tools in the chapters ahead.
Can’t wait to read more!
Esri Rose said on 08.18.08 at 07:48 PM • [link]
I nominated M.S. Jones entry, The Blood-Stained Glass. It’s PERFECT, right down to the silent ‘H’ in the heroine’s name. The fact that pigeons don’t go into heat makes it even gooder.
Esri Rose said on 08.18.08 at 07:53 PM • [link]
Wait, I guess pigeons do go into heat; people just don’t call it that, and it’s the male whose breast pushes out in a pout, only she’s talking about lips, which pigeons don’t have…it’s all very confusing. Two thumbs up.
Ashley said on 08.18.08 at 07:59 PM • [link]
HAHAHA Elizabeth channeled Pride and Prejudice. that was awesome. I nominate her.
here’s mine:
Marcus was smitten. The woman before him was the most beautiful, intelligent Mary-Sue he had ever seen. He wanted her, needed her. She would be the perfect model for his next work. Panther-like, he stalked up to her place at the bar. “you’re beautiful you know,” he whispered sensually into her ear. Her pulse quickened at the feeling of his breath on her neck. “Like a goddess. You should model for my sci-fi Greek Gods in space graphic novel.” She shuddered with pleasure at the mere thought.
okay that’s the best i could do, I’m not feeling it right now. and i know it’s only supposed to be one line. I cheated.
Esri Rose said on 08.18.08 at 08:00 PM • [link]
A Regency Near Miss
Portia Delacroix’s dainty kid slippers faltered to a halt beneath the whispering willows as two swarthy men, their faces hidden by filthy rags, stepped onto the path ahead of her only to run for their lives as Lord Rakeraven’s horse’s hooves, the size of French porcelain dinner plates, pawed the air above their greasy heads, its master shouting, “Lay a hand on her fair head and I’ll eat your nadgers on toast, come the morrow!”
Sara B said on 08.18.08 at 08:01 PM • [link]
Breaking out of Lurkdom as well:
Entry 1 - The evening was hot and dry, and so was she. Tilly thirsted, but didn’t know for what would satisfy her thirst – she had tried water, and the lemonade – then she was introduced to the Earl of Warwick, Sebastian, and she knew instantly knew what she needed. Her cheeks flushed, her heart raced, and a warmth flooded down and pooled into her stomach, heat gushing. She stepped forward to take his proffered hand to waltz, slipped on the warm flood, knocked her head on an Egyptian statue and woke up hours later not in Regency England, but in hospital for incontinence. Sebastian was the orderly.
Entry 2 - Janet stumbled, and came up hard against - a bench. She continued on, knowing that despite the very humid and very wet conditions of the room (Lord knew what it was doing to her hair) there were men around somewhere. Those she had been sent to interview were “just in there, around the corner, Missâ€. Finally, she came through the fog – she looked around and discovered herself in the showers. She was here to interview the new Olympic team, and rumours were true – swimmers do shave everything.
phadem said on 08.18.08 at 08:08 PM • [link]
Ya know, I quite agree and would like to nominate this passage myself. It was amusing and sounded like a good entry to a humorous vamp romance.
So uh, I guess I don’t think it’s so terrible lol. Maybe un-nominate it then? Oh heck, just nominate it I suppose.
Anony Miss said on 08.18.08 at 08:24 PM • [link]
Is it so wrong that I really would read like HALF of these??
Must nominate the breasts of brie above.
Also clearly the Pride and Prejudice knock off. That one I would actually BUY based on that first line.
Lyra said on 08.18.08 at 08:26 PM • [link]
Reposted with titles for easier identification:
Entry 1 - The Argentine’s Secret Graveyard Mistress
Entry 2 - Misnomer: A Greek Tycooness Tragedy in Fifteen Chapters
Entry 3 - Blood Drive
Entry 4 - The Pirate Rogue’s Nordic-Ethiopian Bride
Entry 5 - Rainbows, Puppies, Sunshine, and Chlamydia
AnimeJune said on 08.18.08 at 08:31 PM • [link]
Paranormal:
AnimeJune said on 08.18.08 at 08:34 PM • [link]
Argh! Typo! I corrected it:
Heather said on 08.18.08 at 08:35 PM • [link]
I nominate “A Regency Near Miss” from Esri Rose!
Anony Miss said on 08.18.08 at 08:42 PM • [link]
Okay, now my turn…
Whimpering prettily, as she had been taught, heiress Daphne du Bazoombas scolded her seamstress for using a zipper on her bodice instead of flimsly ribbon ties - how, she reasoned, was she supposed to meet the broodingly handsome titular Lord Manly Pectarious by page 20, receive three punishing kisses by page 65 (spurring heretofore never felt sensations in her regions de nether by page 66), and ultimately end up by page 93 in a windswept cliff-filled valley surrounded by rearing horses, Ionic columns, erect moonbeams and tangerine colored peacocks with Manly driving his knee improbably into her sacral spine and his hands rapaciously down her chemise (causing her mouth to form a perfect ‘o’ like the wedding band of gold he would give her no later than page 587 after she had borne him two children and one nasty rash), if for heaven’s sake he had to find and pull down one of those little zipper pulls that disappears into a seam?!
Hee hee… I said ‘titular.’
Esri Rose said on 08.18.08 at 08:45 PM • [link]
I gotta go back and nominate the first line from ‘My Immortal,’ submitted by Alex. It’s amazing.
ev said on 08.18.08 at 08:48 PM • [link]
My daughter nominated the first 25 chapters of Twighlight.
HilciaJ said on 08.18.08 at 08:49 PM • [link]
I can’t stop laughing, way too much fun…
EsriRose—The Blood-Stained Glass
Darlene Marshall said on 08.18.08 at 08:49 PM • [link]
I nominate Anime June for her “rakish” historical and her vampire story. That second one has real possibilities.
Hey! Make him the heroine’s gay vampire bff and you’ve got something going here.
Ellie said on 08.18.08 at 08:53 PM • [link]
Carrie Lofty’s is hilarious! I also love MS Jones’s “The Blood-Stained Glass.”
A few more of my own (because the only writing I do is bad writing, really):
Trevor reached out a hand to his new bride, Valerie, who looked up at him through her eyelashes, her gaze an equal mix of fear and raw passion, and as he pulled her towards him, the scent of her hair, orange and jasmine, filled the air in the honeymoon suite, which was hot and close and full of promise, like a Southern summer night, but without all the June bugs.
—
“If you make me marry him, Mother, I’ll kill myself!” screeched Alveola, referring to the Duke of Mahntitte, who was a cad and a scoundrel and scarred to boot, and the object of her deepest loathing, because she had not yet discovered that his daring playboy exterior was just a cover to hide the pain of an unhappy childhood, and he had gotten the scar duelling to defend the honor of Aldenta, her half-sister whom she would soon meet for the first time.
(A homage to my favorite B-L entry from 2003.)
—-
Raychelle’s eyes fluttered open, and she struggled to shake off the last shreds of sleep as panic began to grip her, because her bedroom was not the dank sixteenth-century chamber in which she now found herself, and her Tempur-Pedic mattress was not the scratchy straw pallet on which she now lay, and her boyfriend was definitely not the man next to whom she now found herself, because her boyfriend had never lain snoring and reeking of alcohol while two snickering, greasy brutes carefully shaved “Kick Me” in his thick back hair.
phadem said on 08.18.08 at 09:04 PM • [link]
I think I’m going into some kind of seizure form all this laughing. Carrie Lofty’s deserves a nomination, a nod and a reprint:
phadem said on 08.18.08 at 09:08 PM • [link]
Ok, gonna give this a whirl. It’s nowhere as bad…er, as good??....as others, but here goes:
The Island
Olivia Pendlebottom was getting off that damn island, even if she had to hump a humpback to do it, but the only male in site was Timothy Bareback of the Derbyshire French Letter factory fame and as she was quite beyond the pale desperate at that point, she had only one last thought before the plunge: At least he’d come prepared.
Anony Miss said on 08.18.08 at 09:37 PM • [link]
Elie’s first “June Bug” one is duly nominated and seems to really fit the feel of winning ones in the ‘other’ contest.
Rene S. said on 08.18.08 at 09:39 PM • [link]
These are great!
Nominees:
Carrie Lofty for Leo “Nasty” Houston
Elizabeth Wadsworth’s Vamp Pride and Predjudice
Anime June’s painful rake and vampire “comfort food” hee hee
Lyvvie for Captain Armatey
Esri Rose for Regency Near Miss
Lyra’s Pirate Rogues’ Nordic-Ethiopian Bride
Anony Miss for her entry at 10:42, which I’m still laughing about.
Ahem said on 08.18.08 at 09:45 PM • [link]
I have to vote for AnimeJune’s entries. Both made me snort out loud. Well played AnimeJune.
Lyvvie said on 08.18.08 at 09:48 PM • [link]
Carrie gets my nomination and icky shiver for the male with a molecock. Of course I’ll be quoting Austin Powers and shouting “Moley Moley Moley!” for the rest of the evening. I don’t think I’ll explain why to my Husband.
Kathy said on 08.18.08 at 10:13 PM • [link]
I like AnimeJune and her notorious rake as well as Carrrie and her groupie having sex with the slick mole. Hehe. This is some funny shit.
came73-some more funny shit. hahahaha. Still gafawing and my kids looking as though I’ve lost my mind.
Elizabeth Wadsworth said on 08.18.08 at 10:24 PM • [link]
I nominate (so far) AnimeJune for the Rake story and Carrie Lofty for Leo “Nasty” Houston.
Gail S said on 08.18.08 at 10:33 PM • [link]
IRIDIA AND THE SWORD OF LOVE
Iridia struggled, flailing her pearlescent limbs, thrashing her platinum-tressed head, heaving her creamy bosoms upward in a frantic battle to free herself from the dreams that held her captive, and yet did little more than free those bosoms, luscious, orbs glowing with the moon’s sensuous intensity, peaked with rosy tips the size, shape and hardness of erasers on the end of a pencil, from the diaphanous gauzy fabric of her gown, and all the while Hygenio, Duke of Alhambra, watched and lusted in his heart after her, as well as in the prodigiously hungry and growing sword of love in his groinal region.
My spamword: thinking82—What? Me? Thinking???
EmmyS said on 08.18.08 at 10:58 PM • [link]
Carrie Lofty’s hard-working mole!
Also, am I mistaken or is Marna’s telepath entry actually the opening paragraph of one of the Sookie Stackhouse books?
Laura said on 08.19.08 at 12:06 AM • [link]
Oh, I’m torn between the breasts of brie and the hard-working mole!
Here’s my entry:
“Jethro stared into her violet eyes, those dark, oily depths that fueled his desire to drill into her heated depths with his turgid shaft and pump until he ignited the combustible passion between them into a blaze hot enough to be seen by the visible eye as far away as Beverly Hills.”
I know, we should reduce our dependence on fossil fuels. In the interest of going green:
“She writhed against him, rotating her hips as though they were blades on a wind-powered turbine generator, the bulbous white expanses of her heaving breasts undulating like water balloons resting upon a vibrator powered by a bank of fully charged hybrid fuel cells.”
Melissandre said on 08.19.08 at 12:25 AM • [link]
I am not even going to attempt to follow in the footsteps of these illustrious ladies. I think I’ll stick to nominating…
#1 - Elizabeth Wadsworth’s paranormal
#2 - Esri Rose’s “A Regency Near Miss”
#3 - Anony Miss’ entry (there are no words to describe the beauty!)
I also think a special mention should go to Gail S for use of the phrase “groinal region.”
HilciaJ said on 08.19.08 at 12:26 AM • [link]
The Island by phadem - -LMAO
Entry 3 - Blood Drive by Lira
MT said on 08.19.08 at 12:34 AM • [link]
They say each man kills the thing he loves; me, I did it with the business end of a shovel.
MT said on 08.19.08 at 12:37 AM • [link]
That was my entry, by the way—I didn’t kill anything with a shovel. Yet. Today.
Faellie said on 08.19.08 at 12:42 AM • [link]
I nominate Ellie for
But really, they’re all wonderfully horrible.
Malin said on 08.19.08 at 12:59 AM • [link]
Crossing the plaza with her arms full of books, Beth suddenly felt a horrible, consuming urge to scratch an intense itch in her crotch.
Malin said on 08.19.08 at 01:49 AM • [link]
Nominations:
Elizabeth Wadsworth for the paranormal Austen parody
AnimeJune for the ‘rakish’ historical and ‘comfort food’ paranormal
Sara B for the ‘warm flood’ and the ‘shower interview’
Sarah L. said on 08.19.08 at 02:00 AM • [link]
She closed her mouth tentatively over his huge, iron-hard erection, feeling as trapped and uneasy as the time she tried escargot on a dare; come to think of it, the escargot had tasted remarkably like this.
And I nominate Carrie Lofty….the mole simile was just too bad to be true.
Malin said on 08.19.08 at 02:06 AM • [link]
Maybe good things do come to those who wait but all Slowella had to show for her decade-long wait was a fat ass and a journal empty of entries. It was clear that she was missing something, something Rapunzel had had or known.
Suze said on 08.19.08 at 02:09 AM • [link]
Carrie Lofty and the mole-like member get my vote. Or nomination?
Suze said on 08.19.08 at 02:20 AM • [link]
Okay, I’ve been reading romance manga lately, and it’s clearly colouring my world, but here you go:
Miyuki gazed in wonder at the tall, very-long-legged, blue-eyed, silver-haired Japanese billionaire-ninja-rockstar-host who was also the president of their high school’s student council (so accomplished, and only 17!) and sighed happily, wondering why such a beautiful bishounen was so attracted to her short, plain, ordinary, nerd-like self that he needed to blackmail her into becoming his maid-mistress-secretary AND make her fill in for their missing maths teacher (and she was SO bad at maths!) by threatening to reveal to the school population that she worked part-time as a famous model in disguise; and she hoped desperately that she’d be able to get home (where she lived alone because her parents had recently been transferred overseas for two years, leaving her behind by herself) before her cruel lover’s legion of rabid fangirls chased her down and cut all her hair off, stole her shoes, and threw mud on her clothes.
Virginia Shultz-Charette said on 08.19.08 at 02:40 AM • [link]
I nominate AnimeJune and the “rake”
Malin said on 08.19.08 at 02:41 AM • [link]
Mama had always insisted that chasing after men was vulgar. Thus, Sophie - instead of stalking her man as would have been more convenient - was obliged to lay in wait along pathways, ready to pounce.
Malin said on 08.19.08 at 02:45 AM • [link]
Ok, correction.
Mama had always insisted that chasing after men was vulgar. Thus, Sophie (instead of stalking her man as would have been more convenient) was obliged to lay in wait along pathways, ready to pounce.
Ellie said on 08.19.08 at 02:51 AM • [link]
Last one before I go to work:
Danielle couldn’t figure out why she’d gotten such tepid responses from her girl pals after her email announcing her engagement, until she realized that her “e” key had been on the fritz for a while, and they should have seen that “Codee is humane, quiets folks in turmoil—and eases yours truly through it all!”
snarkhunter said on 08.19.08 at 03:02 AM • [link]
Melysse whimpered softly as the livid length of the engorged beast twitched towards her helpless, exposed form. His appetites were legendary, and she knew she would have no defense against him. She could only submit and hope the pain would not be too unbearable. She had preserved her honor against so many who would have taken it, and all for naught.
What good was honor when you were about to be devoured by a giant snake?
Malin said on 08.19.08 at 03:07 AM • [link]
More funny nominations:
Ellie’s ‘Victoriana’, ‘Rutger’ and ‘Count Orvalie’
Karen’s ‘God’s gift’
Lyvvie’s ‘Captain Armatey’
MS Jones made me burst out laughing with the “bustle rustling” in the Ballad of the Bodacious Bust
Darn it, they’re all funny!
snarkhunter said on 08.19.08 at 03:14 AM • [link]
Have to add another voice for Carrie Lofty, and one for AnimeJune’s awesome “rake” thing.
I’d totally read the telepath book.
BeckyC. said on 08.19.08 at 03:26 AM • [link]
I have both my parent’s toes; a seemingly insignificant matter, unless I also tell you that my father’s long, sender digits grace my left foot, while my mother’s short stubby wonders woefully complete my right, leaving it two sizes smaller than its mate, an anomoly hidden easly enough by shoes and a wad of tissue, but how was I to hide such grotesqueness from Dr. Scholls, the newly arrived podiatrist with the ‘don’t tread on me’ swagger, a ‘these boots were made for walking’ gleam in his eye and a ‘curl those mismatched appendages’ smile, as he sat down on the physicians stool, reached for my leg with a warm carress that set my heart to dancing in my chest with pleasure and said, “Now, let’s have a look at those little piggies.”
willa said on 08.19.08 at 03:32 AM • [link]
Holy mackerel, these are all excellent, every single one! And I’d read them all, they’re hilarious!
My vote/nom, if I have to choose:
-AnimeJune’s rakes story. OMG hilarious!
But these are also great and I must vote for them too:
-Malin’s “ready to pounce” entry
-Suze’s “Miyuki” entry
-Laura’s wind-powered turbine entry OMG
-Gail S.‘s “Iridia” entry, for the pencil erasers
-Ellie’s “June bugs” entry
-Anony Miss’s “titular” entry
-Lyra’s “The Pirate Rogue’s Nordic-Ethiopian Bride” entry
-All three of MS Jones’s entries (Bodacious Bust, Foot Fetish, Blood-Stained Glass)
-Elizabeth Wadsworth’s contemporary category.
BeckyC. said on 08.19.08 at 03:36 AM • [link]
I vote for the “Rake” first, then the “Shovel”.
phadem said on 08.19.08 at 04:10 AM • [link]
Just read Carrie Lofty’s mole-digging member submission to the hubbster. He said, “That was absolutely horrible.”
Now he’s asking if I’m telling on him and wants me to add, “In a good way.”
What a sweet guy, eh?
I think that’s another nomination!
Marna said on 08.19.08 at 04:12 AM • [link]
Thanks for the kind words. :)
Can I nominate Lyra’s titles? Those had me ROFL after a very long day at work.
Oh, and since we can do more than one entry, here are a few for some under-represented variations, tongue planted firmly in cheek.
URBAN:
Kandi fired off the last 30-second burst from Desert Eagle Pins had modified the day before, before she kicked through the open window of the tourist’s car that had been stupid enough to stop for a red light in the ‘hood, absently noting the now-unconscious driver just might be worth a tumble before she popped a cap in his ass.
PARANORMAL HISTORICAL:
Mellisande d’Alagnace listened fearfully to the snorting and snuffling outside the thick oaken tower door, crossing herself and praying that this time it would be some great hunting hound instead of the Duc du Beringion, the man-beast bent on plundering her maidenly virtues and vast tracts of land.
ROMANTIC COMEDY:
“Isn’t it funny,” Jules mused as she hung from the second-story eaves, “how something as seemingly unconnected as a broken heel, lutefisk and the true identity of Emperor Norton could possibly result in a middle-aged single mother dangling her drawers in front of an entire RWA convention panel?”
EPIC FANTASY:
Mort slowly released the suddenly warm arm of the statue of the Goddess of Beauty and Lust, took three steps backwards and ran screaming into the forest.
Susan/DC said on 08.19.08 at 04:20 AM • [link]
I like the ending of Elizabeth Wadsworth’s historical, where the heroine
It’s such a lovely take-off on Bridget Jones and all the chick lit heroines who eat sweets and read novels while the men act like adolescents—the mention of Chretien de Troyes’ makes me giggle.
Alex Ess said on 08.19.08 at 04:23 AM • [link]
Natasha Ivanovna ran down the stairs to the store underneath the family’s second floor apartment, her thin nightgown fluttering around her, coming out through the inventory room to see a man in a warm-up jacket splashing petrol on the shelves of liquor and the hulking, powerfully built form of Mitya “Meaty” Bronapolski looming threateningly over her father fixing to strike a match, when he turned toward the sound of the door opening and lost all interest in the task at hand, fixing her with the hungry look of a wolf watching a doe with a limp in his shrewd, considering eyes.
Actually, that’s not awful. Long for one sentence, but not awful. Pretty good, really.
Damn it.
SonomaLass said on 08.19.08 at 04:52 AM • [link]
I nom nom nom Elizabeth’s P&P;paranormal, MS Jones’ Blood-Stained Glass, AnimeJune’s rake, Anony Miss’ “titular,” and Ellie’s Duke of Mahntitte. Teh ROFL-copters have lahnded!!
Rene S. said on 08.19.08 at 05:16 AM • [link]
Evangelina, Marchioness of Pectoralis Manor, leaned over her balcony and contemplated the prospect with a sigh; her Latin was sub-par for her Argentinian relocation and she’d been quite unable to parse what, exactly, Andreas, the gardener, had told her; but he was absolutely deserving of another semi-colon, she thought, and as many commas as he needed, as she leaned a little further over the over-wrought-iron railing, her beauteous orbs o’erstraining her decolletage, as the South American sun—so different from the European one she’d grown up with!—burned her creamy chest a buxom shade of taupe, and the monkeys cried in the distance; and the delightful Andreas’s distant cries of “Senora! Es un chupacabra!” fell like like Latin rain on her ears.
Gee said on 08.19.08 at 05:19 AM • [link]
No idea what this was about but if it inspired this I’m voting for it.
#1 - Oops, it didn’t copy for some reson, but it was the one about the sunrise in a French village and the dead hamster.
#2 - Mama had always insisted that chasing after men was vulgar. Thus, Sophie - instead of stalking her man as would have been more convenient - was obliged to lay in wait along pathways, ready to pounce.
Lyra said on 08.19.08 at 06:03 AM • [link]
Elizabeth Wadsworth’s Historical with Lady McAllister
Carrie Lofty’s penis-mole
MS Jones’ Ballad of the Bodacious Bust
Laura’s wind-powered turbine hips
Alex Ess said on 08.19.08 at 06:09 AM • [link]
In the darkness of her room, Clarice thought of the day of her engagement when the maid had compared the size of the Duc’s machinery to a pepper grinder, and holding the pepper grinder against her body she wondered how she would be expected to move her lungs and liver out of the way for her betrothed.
Josie said on 08.19.08 at 06:15 AM • [link]
Brilliance as usual by those who entered but I’m nominating:
Leo “Nasty†Houston by Carrie Lofty (that was so wrong, yet somehow so right)
Vamp Pride and Predjudice by Elizabeth Wadsworth
Anime June’s ‘Rake’
and
Regency Near Miss by Esri Rose
SonomaLass said on 08.19.08 at 06:18 AM • [link]
Had Madeleine, the late Duchess of Indbruach, currently cocooned in prickling straw beneath the glistening, urgent torso of Henry the stable lad, known where this illicit affair would lead – the questions in the House, Uruguay’s ignominious withdrawal from the World Cup, the rendition flights, and that in the eyes of the law she now clutched the Dowager Countess of Marmsly – she would have probably brought a blanket.
Jessa Slade said on 08.19.08 at 06:25 AM • [link]
Since we were encouraged to vote early & vote often:
Esri Rose for “I’ll eat your nadgers on toast.” I’m going to use that at work tomorrow on someone, somehow.
Lyra for “proper place for a woman was strapped to the helm of his pirate ship as an ornament.” This one was wonderful because the cover sprang instantly to mind in technicolor, ribbons flying, possibly seagulls freaking out glory.
And Marna for her subtle Monty Python references. Vast tracks of land indeed.
Pamela said on 08.19.08 at 06:29 AM • [link]
Ah, a challenge. I likes a good challenge….
As the sun set below his beachfront mansion and Kyle strummed yet another love song in a voice as smooth as melted chocolate, Tiffany wondered that as handsome and rich as Kyle clearly was, could she ever marry a man who played air guitar in public?
Bob hoped this blind date would be better than the last one who grilled him about his past not like a young Japanese chef with a sushi-grade tuna steak barely seared on the outside and tender on the inside, but with the brutal and determined thoroughness of his Aunt Gerda armed with a pan full of pork chops and a pathological fear of salmonella.
Bruce left a lasting impression, like those memory foam mattresses – sure, he was a bit dense and quick to mold to anyone who put pressure on him, but he offered firm support and automatically adjusted to weight fluctuations which more than made up for the occasional bit of off-gassing.
SonomaLass said on 08.19.08 at 07:04 AM • [link]
LOL, I like Bruce the mattress!
Here’s a contribution from my darling DP (apologies in advance)...
eaeaea said on 08.19.08 at 07:32 AM • [link]
These ar so-o-o-o bad they are WONDERFUL!!
My vote goes to:
#1. Carrie Lofty’s moist snouted mole
#2. Elizabeth Wadsworth’s paranormal homage to P&P;#3. Marna’s telepath
I’ve nearly fallen off my chair so many times, rolling in laughter.
BTW - I think I’ve met Bruse the mattress
Manda said on 08.19.08 at 07:39 AM • [link]
Here are my nominations. These cracked me up!
Anony Miss’ entry:
Lyra’s entry:
Phadem’s entry:
Laura’s
entry
Elizabeth’s Wadsworth’s PARANORMAL entry:
Ellie’s entry:
Lyvvie’s entry:
Rene S. said on 08.19.08 at 07:45 AM • [link]
“I am a freshman at a small northeastern college.” - Rene’s husband.
DeeinID said on 08.19.08 at 07:59 AM • [link]
I wrote these pitiful attempts at romance when I was in high school. *Hiding face*
1. He knew the moment the doorbell rang to the tune of the Keep a Knockin’ that he would love her forever.
2. It really is the size of a vienne sausage she though, and desperately tried to keep a straight face.
Anony Miss said on 08.19.08 at 08:08 AM • [link]
What, nominations are still open? Apparently I can’t count to 24 hours!
Okay, so must also nominate…
AnimeJune’s “time of the month” vampires (except, again, this sounds like a GOOD book, hmm…)
Laura’s “hybrid” love
MT’s short and to the point (oh, I crack myself up) “shovel” (although, again, I would read this one…)
Malin’s little “itch”. Her “chasing men” one is also great, but alas, is more than one sentence.
Marna’s “vast tracts of land”, for sure!
Alex Ess’s “pepper grinder” which made me snort.
Pamela’s “Salmonella”
And certainly Rene S’s use of semi-colons. Delightful.
Em said on 08.19.08 at 08:28 AM • [link]
“Peter Illich VI sighed with disappointment: this date was just another unfortunate girl whose enormous boobs contained all the fat intended to make her brain.”
“All Mariella could think while she was introduced to the CEO was that his wife had taken the phrase ‘the bigger the hair, the closer to god’ to heart, and her beehive was dangerously close to getting caught in the ceiling fan.”
Catherine J. said on 08.19.08 at 09:25 AM • [link]
Alyssa sighed mightily; the books had prepared her for the rapturous sensations of the pounding, overwhelming male warrior within her, but had failed to take into account that, like all other warriors of the present day, the job could now be much more efficiently done by technology and not a large, fleshy, fallible and inefficient government employee such as the one now seated on the edge of the bed and lamenting his decision to see his analyst before attempting, with minimal success, to remove her panties.
Malin said on 08.19.08 at 12:16 PM • [link]
More nominations:
Rene S - ‘Pectoralis Manor’
Alex Ess - ‘pepper grinder’
SonomaLass - ‘illicit affair without blanket’
Pamela - ‘air guitar’, ‘grilling’ and ‘matress’
SonomaLass’ DP - ‘beneath her station’
Care to comment?
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