Bitchin' Blog Posts
Teeny Weeny Wonderment
by SB Sarah | May 09, 2007 | Wednesday at 4:17 pm | 36 CommentsSuppose you’re a romance cover artist, and you just can’t find the perfect mate for your on-cover make out session. You could grab someone off the street, or, judging by these covers, you could just…grow your own partner.
The first two are from Amelia Elias, who hurts us so, so good.
Sarah: I’ve never grown an Asian man with a mullet out of my crotch. But then, I’ve never been blonde on a surfboard in space. If this is the birth of the future, no thank you.
Candy: So THAT’s what happened to Dustin Nguyen.
You know, when I think about it, I think Johnny Depp was the only person to make it out of 21 Jump Street with anything resembling a viable career. I guess he was the only one who listened to the advice that you gotta be be ready to, be ready to Jump, 21 Jump Street.
Sarah: Anyone watch NCIS? It’s Anthony DiNozzo, aka Michael Weatherley, phoning headquarters to report a very painful wedgie. He might need to go in solo to offer intervention.
Candy: Whoa! I know there are gods and saints for just about anything you care to mention—the kitchen, the bedroom, firemen, barbers, beermakers. I think we’re looking at the birth of the newest of celestials: the Patron Saint of Booty Calls.
And now, another submission from Lady Rhian, who we suspect is surrounded by nothing but bad cover art.
Sarah: Don’t be afraid to try the greatest sport of all
Everybody tries it once
and you’ll never need another Real Doll!
Just spawn a girl from your manly chest
Don’t worry much, it won’t stain your vest
You gotta spawn a girl and you’ll be humpin any time you want.
Pay no attention to the taffeta in hot pink
Her clothing can come off
And your chest will heal faster than you think
She’ll see your mullet and she’ll get turned on
But long as she’s down there she can smoke your dong
I tell you, spawn a girl and you’ll be humpin’ any time you want.
Candy: I just love heartwarming tales about organ harvesters. This one’s more novel than most, however, because as you can see from this cover, this particular fellow’s favorite method of incapacitating his victim is to rip out her jugular.
Lizzie said on 05.09.07 at 05:23 PM • [comment link]
WHAT is growing out of the surfer-dude’s pants? We’ve all seen “manly bulges” on romance novel covers, but rarely do they break free into the light of day.
Stephanie said on 05.09.07 at 05:31 PM • [comment link]
“Thief of Hearts?” Um, maybe not the best title choice. Try saying it fast a few times. Yup. Thief of Farts. That maybe explain her gown’s billow factor.
Mel-O-Drama said on 05.09.07 at 06:17 PM • [comment link]
That totally is dude from NCIS. Awesome. I wonder if moonlighting as an asshead on bookcovers is something he started doing before NCIS or if he just did it as a favor for a friend. Or maybe he lost a bet.
Kerry Allen said on 05.09.07 at 06:19 PM • [comment link]
The statue in the background of Thief of Farts is clutching its chest with sympathy pains.
Carrie Lofty said on 05.09.07 at 06:34 PM • [comment link]
That last gal has weird boobs. She’s got cleavage, but the curve on the underside is really shallow and high up. And what’s with the statue in the background?
skapusniak said on 05.09.07 at 06:42 PM • [comment link]
Growing out? I was thought that was another hand reaching down into his pants. A mysterious disembodied TIME-HAND of DESTINED FUTURE LAUNDRY.
...
Also, Bitches?, please never ever again mix a traditional back-breaking mulletised clinch cover like ‘Thief of Hearts’ in with two other covers that manage to make it look actually really good by comparison. I can’t handle the shame of having such sick and twisted thoughts about such a cover.
Karla said on 05.09.07 at 07:08 PM • [comment link]
Am I the only one who really would like to read a heart warming tale of organ harvesters?
Jeri said on 05.09.07 at 07:14 PM • [comment link]
Re: Hanging with a Time Surfer
I didn’t realize the sequel to XANADU had gone straight to E-book. Something about this cover makes me think Electric Light Orchestra will start playing when you open it, like those new musical cards from Hallmark.
And, uh, dude? I think you left your right shin back in the future.
Melissa said on 05.09.07 at 07:40 PM • [comment link]
The dude on the Patricia Gaffney book looks like he’s about to lick her neck. Like she’s made of ice cream and he wants a taste.
Yuck.
Amy E said on 05.09.07 at 08:36 PM • [comment link]
You’re right… the other two DID make that clinch cover look so, so good. Scary, scary thought.
The thing that gets me most about the Time Surfer one is that they look so HAPPY!
Karmyn said on 05.09.07 at 08:48 PM • [comment link]
Yay! New cover snark.
That is some seriously scary stuff.
I found this place from otf_wank and am enjoying it very much. One of these days I need to dig out some of my books with truly horrific covers and send them to y’all.
Question time. Are there any good het romances with anal sex scenes? No Bertice Small. I’ve never been able to stomach her.
Ellie M. said on 05.09.07 at 08:55 PM • [comment link]
Yeah, what IS that coming out of his pants (Time Surfer)—the gear stick?? “Rub harder, babe, we’ve got tickets for that ELO concert in 1982 before the band breaks up!!”
Amy E said on 05.09.07 at 09:34 PM • [comment link]
You might look at my Loose-id book, Pandora’s Box, for some anal sex scenes. Let’s see if I can figure out this HTML link-making thing… Pandora’s Box by Amelia Elias
Amy E said on 05.09.07 at 09:35 PM • [comment link]
Whoot! I did it! I have conquered the horrible beast, HTML! VICTORY IS MINE!
... ahem. Sorry, got a bit overexcited there.
Nathalie said on 05.09.07 at 10:02 PM • [comment link]
The first cover made me giggle. Giggling isn’t cute on me. Damn you, SmartBitches, damn you!
The other covers just made me…cringe. Although to be fair, the Thiefs one isn’t so bad. We’ve seen worse.
And hey, woohoo La Nora!!
Jackie L. said on 05.09.07 at 10:22 PM • [comment link]
Don’t know about “good” but Christine Feehan always has at least 1 buttsecks.
Patricia Gaffney said on 05.09.07 at 10:38 PM • [comment link]
OhmyGOD! Cover snark picked ME! What an honor! I’d like to thank God, the Academy . . .
You guys should do To Have and to Hold—the guy’s coming out of the ground like this really well-endowed asparagus spear. I mean, talk about your man titty. It would be nice to say they don’t make ‘em like that anymore, but as we see—they do.
I’d put this in verse, but I see Sarah’s already got it covered. :)
spinsterwitch said on 05.10.07 at 12:44 AM • [comment link]
After reading the coversnarks, I scrolled down randomly…can you snark a cover of a book that’s advertising on your page? Because if so, I would love to have you take a crack at “Watchmen.”
Not quite abstract enough to miss the “point.”
Erin said on 05.10.07 at 01:24 AM • [comment link]
Johnny Depp may’ve been about the only one out of 21 Jump Street to have a consistent onscreen career afterwards, but Peter DeLuise has a great directing career (Andromeda, Stargate, Stargate: Atlantis, and many others).
That first cover…oh wow. I don’t think I’m medicated enough to fully appreciate the psychedelicness of it.
Chris said on 05.10.07 at 01:31 AM • [comment link]
OMG #2 is Chris Isaac!
#1 Bitchin’!
#3 What is with the bad prom dresses on romance covers?
Karmyn said on 05.10.07 at 01:53 AM • [comment link]
If you want to see some very snark worthy covers, check out old gay and lesbian pulp novels. www.gayontherange.com and www.strangesisters.com
Teddypig said on 05.10.07 at 03:24 AM • [comment link]
Oh man Karmyn that is some juicy Boys In The Band goodness.
Amy E said on 05.10.07 at 05:26 AM • [comment link]
You guys should do To Have and to Hold—the guy’s coming out of the ground like this really well-endowed asparagus spear.
Oh, God, the Bitches SO have to do this one because I am now dying of curiosity! What exactly does a well-endowed man-asparagus look like? Must—google—now!
And OMGWTF I am in LOVE with the GayOnTheRange site! I think my favorite so far has to be the “1969… the GAY Year, Funbook & Homoscope” one… yowza!
Off to peruse more and continue laughing my ass off… hysterical laughter burns lots of calories, right? So it’s hypothetically possible that, if I see enough bad covers, I really *can* laugh my ass off? Oh please oh please…
Amy E said on 05.10.07 at 05:34 AM • [comment link]
AAAAAAAhahahahaha! I think these other guys bought their pants at the same place the surfer dude shops!
Wry Hag said on 05.10.07 at 05:55 AM • [comment link]
I doubt Velvet’s seductions will be very successful with that ugly-white-boy tramp-stamp riding her ass.
Nora Roberts said on 05.10.07 at 12:22 PM • [comment link]
Time Surfer, Las Vegas. One Night Only!
Hey, the guy in the second one is talking on a cell phone. He’s calling his friends: Dude! Catch this! My head just popped out of this chick’s ASS! You gotta come check it out . . . ‘cause I’m like totally stuck.
I don’t think the Thief has fangs (hey, Pat!), but she obviously has magic powers. Not only can she fly just by lifting her skirt, but she can fly while clutching a two hundred pound man to her chest, one-handed.
DS said on 05.10.07 at 12:26 PM • [comment link]
Karmyn, thanks! Unlike Lesbian cover art, these are very hard to find.
Yvonne said on 05.10.07 at 05:27 PM • [comment link]
Oh Patricia! “coming out of the ground like this really well-endowed asparagus spear.”
I’m trying to write a final and SmartBitches has once again saved me from drowning in depression.
Thank you all!
Karmyn said on 05.10.07 at 07:14 PM • [comment link]
I aim to please.
Rashenbo said on 05.10.07 at 11:16 PM • [comment link]
Muhahah, heartwarming tale of organ harvester… I just love these posts. I make my husband look at the book covers too.
Chicklet said on 05.11.07 at 05:23 AM • [comment link]
The first two covers were so bad my mind started focusing on the awkward title of the first book: Hanging With a Time Surfer. Shouldn’t it be Hanging *Ten* With a Time Surfer? Because “hanging ten” is a phrase associated with surfing?
Somebody please keep me focused on this, because otherwise I’ll have to look at NoSecondShin!Guy and his oddly-coiffed lady, surfing through a cone of what appears to be Hawaiian shave ice. Have pity on me.
LadyRhian said on 05.11.07 at 07:43 AM • [comment link]
It’s not so much surrounded as it is in a sea of bad romance novel cover art… and people who love to read books with bad cover art, and donate them to us at the Library.
Don’t even mention Johanna Lindsay’s naked man /woman in period dress cover art. I haven’t read the books, but do her heroes make a practice of striding around in the altogether? Because that’s what I am forced to assume by her cover art.
Grace Musica said on 05.15.07 at 06:51 AM • [comment link]
Jesus, number three is one of my mother’s favorites…
Patricia Gaffney said on 05.15.07 at 02:19 PM • [comment link]
Your mother is a wise, wise woman.
:)
Liz said on 01.12.08 at 04:23 AM • [comment link]
Strangely enough, I’ve got to wonder if Michael Weatherly (Anthony DiNozzo on NCIS) reads this site as on Season 4’s DVD specials, Michael claimed to be a romance novel model. He later admitted he was kidding, but seeing this comment and hearing what he said…hmmmm.
asian said on 05.05.09 at 10:57 AM • [comment link]
Just a fantastic dialogue. Simply brilliant, nearly all of you! Thank you for this.
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