Surrender to the Night by Evelyn Rogers: A Guest Review by R

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by SB Sarah | by SB Sarah | September 08, 2010 | Wednesday at 9:00 pm | 88 Comments

Title: Surrender to the Night
Author: Evelyn Rogers
Publication Info: Zebra 1991
ISBN: 978-0821734445
Genre: Historical: European

[This is a guest review from reader R. who found her long-lost romance thanks to the Bitchery and a HaBO that was SO funny I laughed so hard I could barely speak. Read on for more adventure in way-back romance!]

Surrender to the Night

(Or that book I ran into 18 years ago when I was 13, and finally got 3 days ago, thanks to the Smart Bitches and the Bitchery)

For real, guys, I can’t thank you enough. I feel like a niggling mystery from my early teenagerhood has finally been solved. I suppose it feels that way because that’s exactly what happened.

And oh! I HAVE SO MANY WORDS ABOUT THIS BOOK. So pull up a chair, I brought some cinnamon rolls and some coffee (but not that weak shit they actually sell at Toby’s. Oh god, I can’t do that to you. Last time we drove up there, Christmas 2009, I got a cup of coffee, and nearly spit it out and looked at my mother with HORROR and demanded to know if all Toby’s coffee was always this bad, or was this a particularly thriftful day in the ratio of coffee beans to water? She looked at me like I was crazy). (This is a common look my mother gives me. Bless.)

Anyway, here we go. (Um, I’m gonna spoil the shit out of this- [but] the book is 19 years old, so…)

First we are introduced to Our Hero, Clay. Clay is a Texan. He has a Texan ranch, with a Texan horse, and Texan BFF, and Texan boots, and has a Texan accent, and he REALLY loves boning Texan women. He’s got at least three he keeps in regular, erm, contact with. He is not a douchebag, however, and we are told this because he doesn’t like the idea of eating fried bull testicles (mountain oysters).

BUT WAIT. THERE IS MORE.

Not only is Clay a Texan in all ways Texas, he is ALSO, at the VERY SAME TIME, British Nobility. That’s right, our favorite Texan is also a Viscount and the heir apparent to an Earl. (Which leads into the hilarious line of “The Earl of Harrow is my daddy.”) But he’s more proud of being a Texan. I mean, who wouldn’t be? This viscount business just gets people all flustered. He also has a penchant for wearing open-throated shirts, mentioned the first three times we see him, to the point that the first time Jenna sees him wearing a cravat, she muses that she really didn’t expect him to be wearing anything other than an open-throated shirt. (As someone on LJ pointed out- technically all shirts are open throated- how else does you get them over your head?)

Jenna, on the other hand, is not a Texan. She is English, even though she was born in South Africa, where her father was killed as a innocent bystander of the Boer Wars, she was brought to England by her aunt or something, who was then immediately killed in a train wreck, which gave Jenna a blow to head so she went deaf, where she was then given over to the Deaf and Dumb Asylum in London, where her hearing came back two years later, and THEN she taught the younger kids until she was twenty, and then got work as a governess, where the husband tried to insist that her duties included a little what what, she objected, he insisted most insistently, she shoved him, he cracked his head open, and she ran off just ahead of a murder arrest, hid in the slummy tavern of the cover copy, pretending to be deaf, where she eventually ran into Clay.

Everyone got that?

As for why she insisted on hanging around this horrid tavern rather than, I don’t know, GETTING THE HELL OUT OF LONDON, she ran into two little plot device moppets with no mother and an absentee father and a working bathroom with running water. She Just Couldn’t Leave Them, or her opportunity for a bath (girlfriend likes to be clean). So she would beg money and make sure they had food and stuff.

Which leads us to The Plot. And really, there’s about three plots here that dart in and out of existence. First, we have Jenna and her whole murder charge issue. There are cops looking for her, so she disguises herself and is pretty smug about the whole thing. Halfway through, the Adorable Little Plot Moppets’ Absentee Father gets rounded up on a robbery charge (“They was robbing the Queen’s jewels they was!”), which was a robbery that Jenna overheard the planning phase of when she was pretending to be deaf. So first Jenna abducts the Plot Moppets, then when the Victorian London Child Protective shows up and takes the Plot Moppets away to an orphanage, she FINALLY is spurred to some action. But all the crap doesn’t even happen until the middle of the book. And, of course, there’s the Great Misunderstanding Betwixt Hero and Heroine.

Clay ends up in the crappy ass tavern because he’s slumming it with some of his English buddies (like you do). The wife of the owner of the tavern hits on him, and he’s like “no thank you I prefer my women not vile” and she plot with one of the regulars (who is involved in the robbery subplot above) to kill him because she’s pissed. What does her co-conspirator get out of the deal? Clay’s boots.

To be fair, they are nice boots. We know, because Jenna tells us. A LOT.

So Jenna, as the cover copy says, trails him to his lodgings, which is the Earl of Harrow’s London house, but also apparently serves as a frat house for the well-heeled single men of London, sneaks into his room in the dead of night, wakes him up, tells him not go slumming anymore, and leaves. She then goes back, because she’s madly in love with him, and they get it on. She muses that she really would have liked to hear some sweet nothings, rather than a “Get into bed” but beggars can’t be choosers. Literally. It’s lovely, she leaves, he finds the red hair after she had told him her hair was black, and then he finds “the disturbing evidence of her innocence.” (It’s also said later he found some of her “private hairs” so he knew she was natural redhead) (...)

At this point, Plot A rears it’s intermittent head, and Jenna sees some men asking about her, mentioning a 1000 pound reward, so she runs to Clay’s room (again, in the middle of the night) determined to tell him the whole truth and get him to help her. She blurts out the wanted for murder thing, and a number of other things about her past, and the exchange goes something like this:

Him: LIES you were a virgin and denied it when I asked which means YOU ARE A DIRTY LYING WHORE.

Her: ....

Him: ....

Her: That’s…. not how it works.

Him: WHY AM I THE ONE GETTING INTO TROUBLE WHEN YOU ARE THE LYING WHORE

Her: Whatever. Lets get it on. (“Let’s ride.”) (NO REALLY)

Me: ::facepalm::

So, because he won’t believe the truth, and won’t let her go until she tells him the truth (....) she makes a bunch of shit up about how she’s a society girl just in it for a laugh, they have some irritated with each other but still pretty hot sex, and then she vanishes. He then goes to ALL THE PARTIES and hits on all the redheaded upper class women to find her, and he does, completely by accident: she’s working as a temporary serving girl at one of those parties.

And this is where the almost-rape scene is. He tracks her down, and demands to know the truth, and she’s like “we tried that and you didn’t believe it, so go away.” He then pulls her down to the bearskin rug (OF COURSE) and is about to have his way with her while she’s sort of fighting but doing that “Gawd he’s hot if only he weren’t such a douchebag I’m totally in love with!” thing, and the mistress of the house walks in. Jenna is sent packing and Clay is ripped a new one by this friend of his mother’s, and then he feels really guilty about the whole thing for a while. She doesn’t harbor any real resentment, except that she did lose her job and all future employment as a domestic servant (gossip network in Victorian London being worse than twitter), and he does some soul searching about being a dick. (Also he mopes a bit at not being attracted to other women anymore once his Mighty Wang found the Magic Hoo Hoo.)

Now, you’d think some of these plots would collide. But they don’t, except as to how Clay sort of wanders into all of them and “fixes” things. They eventually dispose of the robbery subplot with a trip to Brighton, a carriage accident, conveniently appearing and disappearing amnesia, Clay’s sister, and the removal of the bad guy’s hand. And just as conveniently, once the real robber, minus his hand, gives enough information that the Plot Moppets father is released and vows to be less absentee and maybe feed the moppets once in a while. (The way the plots worked was an almost closed loop- the same characters keep showing up in different places until you’re like “AHHHH there are only 12 people in all of England! The rest are just autons that don’t do anything but occasionally make commentary!”)

Jenna finally, finally, finally sucks it up enough to go turn herself in, and sits and waits, while Clay, stamping his foot and saying “BUT I AM A VISCOUNT” and finds a witness that sort of exonerates Jenna (sort of) and, of course, marries the girl. Who just inherited a bunch of money from her late father. So everyone is happy! And he buys her some really nice Texas boots of her own!

This book really does take all the elements you expect from a Zebra, and mushes them up. He’s Texan and a viscount! She has red locks, is gutter trash, but can talk in any accent she wants and ALSO likes baths! A mystery! A murder charge! Fabulous gowns just vague enough in description to pass the tests of costume historians! Plot moppets! I would have liked better interweaving of the plots, so Plot B doesn’t really feel like it came out of left field, and the ending was…. not all that satisfying, since Clay did all the heavy lifting and Jenna sat patiently in Newgate Prison. (And hell, even the ending of Plot B was “Clay gets the bad guy into a room, gets him to confess and then chops off his hand.” All Jenna did was identify the guy’s voice and nearly get shot.)

AND THE END: This had all the hallmarks of a “deadline looming!” ending. Everything suddenly gets wrapped up, the Plot Moppets are sent on their way, the kindly tavern owner is given a bunch of money for being kindly, and Jenna gets to be both a ranch wife and a viscountess. All in about four pages.

So there it is. It wasn’t the best romance I’ve ever read, and it most certainly was not the worst. And there was enough wtf-tasticness to keep me entertained. Maybe not really worth the 18-year wait, but I am so glad it was found for me.

Filed: I Read This Sh*t So You Don't Have To, Reviews, Grade C, Authors, Q-S

Tagged: zebra, wtfery, victorian, sex, romance, make the burning stop, help a bitch out, habo, gossip, douchebag, dick, bitchery, awesomesauce

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Missy Ann said on 09.08.10 at 09:32 PM • [link]

Everyone got that?

Hells yes, I’m with ya sister.

And congrats on quite possibly one of the best reviews I’ve read all year.
Dora said on 09.08.10 at 09:32 PM • [link]

Th…

... that was…

That was the FUNNIEST thing. I was genuinely disappointed when I reached the end of that review. I wish I had a Texan BFF. :( My BFF is from Chicago. There’s less ranches and open-throated shirts and more, “That’s what SHE said, derp derp.”

Seriously made my afternoon.
Jennifer Armintrout said on 09.08.10 at 09:33 PM • [link]

I must read this book. IMMEDIATELY.
Kati said on 09.08.10 at 09:43 PM • [link]

*dreamily*

I looooooooove a man in an open throated shirt.
Carin said on 09.08.10 at 09:46 PM • [link]

Could you please think of another HABO book, let us find it for you, and then review it for us? Because this was really, really fun! Thanks for the review!
Wendy said on 09.08.10 at 09:51 PM • [link]

So much old school tomfoolery, and all in one handy blog post! I haven’t had this much fun in ages - and I’m really not sure what that says about the state of my “life” right now…..

Probably nothing good.
Heather said on 09.08.10 at 10:03 PM • [link]

I feel like standing up and applauding after that review. That was fantabulous!

Bravo!!

Encore!
Andrea said on 09.08.10 at 10:14 PM • [link]

Could you please think of another HABO book, let us find it for you, and then review it for us? Because this was really, really fun! Thanks for the review!

I second that!!
sevendeadlyfun said on 09.08.10 at 10:21 PM • [link]

I insist there be more reviews of old school Zebras and Harlequins. They are hilarrible and this review is full of real funny.
Sandy D. said on 09.08.10 at 10:40 PM • [link]

“Plot moppets” - oh, how I wish I’d thought of that phrase. Perfect.

And thank you for a wonderfully wtf-ey review.
redheadedgirl said on 09.08.10 at 10:44 PM • [link]

::bows::

I had so much fun reading this and so much fun writing this. And it’s kinda cool that people think I’m funny.

Really, it was the “YOU LIED ABOUT NOT BEING A VIRGIN YOU ARE SO A DIRTY LYING WHORE” bit that made me want, nay, NEED to review this.
Karenmc said on 09.08.10 at 10:56 PM • [link]

I feel the need to create a database of plot moppets. Or Texas viscounts. My job is sooo boring, and this review is so the opposite; please come up with another HABO soon.

children85: now my database has a name.
terri said on 09.08.10 at 11:02 PM • [link]

Please, feel free to review any book you want. Even if you never read it before and don’t need us to find it.

Best review I’ve read in a long time!!
SB Sarah said on 09.08.10 at 11:04 PM • [link]

You guys… ‘hilarrible’ is my new favorite word.
Sarah W said on 09.08.10 at 11:16 PM • [link]

Co-worker: What are you laughing at?

Me: (pointing at screen) Plot Moppets!!
Kiersten said on 09.08.10 at 11:17 PM • [link]

Hysterical! Those Zebras romances were priceless, but this review takes the mountain oyster! More fulfilled HABO for you!
Miss_Thing said on 09.08.10 at 11:21 PM • [link]

This made me laugh like a choking hyena and caused my co-worker to run into my office to see if I was okay. Busted!
ReganB said on 09.08.10 at 11:29 PM • [link]

I can honestly say I will never read this book…. but I will come back and read this review over and over again. AWESOME! I loved it!!
Carrie Lofty said on 09.08.10 at 11:51 PM • [link]

I suddenly feel that I’m spending too much time on “making things make sense.” I need more fiery redheaded street urchins!
redcrow said on 09.09.10 at 12:06 AM • [link]

“AHHHH there are only 12 people in all of England! The rest are just autons that don’t do anything but occasionally make commentary!”

The real terror of the Autons!
Kathy said on 09.09.10 at 12:14 AM • [link]

Nice. I like that you used all the words in my vocabulary. Dick, douchebag and crappy ass. Now, I have a new word from you too. Plot moppets. Nice.
Rhonda said on 09.09.10 at 12:36 AM • [link]

Girl,

Are you published? If you’re not, please get started with a short story, novella, something! You have a great voice.
Jennifer said on 09.09.10 at 12:42 AM • [link]

I insist there be more reviews of old school Zebras and Harlequins.

Man, I want to write some. It’s sad how I remember the plots of really bad 80’s Harlequins I read at my grandma’s house. Usually have an idea on the titles, if not the authors, but who knows if I could find them on Amazon any more when the titles were so generic!
Laura (in PA) said on 09.09.10 at 01:07 AM • [link]

I am laughing my ass off all alone at home, my dogs looking at me askance. Awesome review. I will be eternally grateful to you for bringing Plot Moppets into my life.

Brava!
Carrie said on 09.09.10 at 01:23 AM • [link]

don’t make us wait 18 years for another review. Quick, to the keyboard! I’m off to go help my plot moppet with her homework (*snerk!*)

cannot92 - I connot stop saying “plot moppet” 92 times while ROFL!
redheadedgirl said on 09.09.10 at 01:31 AM • [link]

@Rhonda, no I’m just a law student with a blawg. I keep meaning to write things, but then this school thing gets in the way.

And doing more depends on several factors, like finding a book that speaks to me (probable), having time to do so (could happen), and of course, the humor of the High Priestesses of the Bitchery (::shrugs::).

That said, I fully intend to hit up Rodney’s Books and loot their romance section for more Zebras. I always liked the Zebras more than Harliquin.

(Captcha: Student 45. Yes, I’m going to be a student for THE NEXT FORTY FIVE YEARS OH GOD)
Laurel said on 09.09.10 at 01:36 AM • [link]

Redheadedgirl: Your ladylike protestations are noted. Now give us what we want.

I. AM. SLAIN.
Michelle said on 09.09.10 at 02:06 AM • [link]

“Clay ends up in the crappy ass tavern because he’s slumming it with some of his English buddies (like you do).”

That was my favorite line. Kind of like a mystery 2000 theater for romance books.

Brava.
Daz said on 09.09.10 at 02:24 AM • [link]

My local used book store won’t take Zebra books. NOW I know why. Thanks so much for the review. I just kept reading and reading and reading ... wonderful!!!
Whee! said on 09.09.10 at 03:24 AM • [link]

Now I want to start a band just so I can call it “Plot Device Moppets.”
Amanda said on 09.09.10 at 03:46 AM • [link]

Has anybody else ever watched the Adult Swim cartoon “The Venture Brothers”? One of the characters has henchmen called her “Moppets.” They’re these murderous, unshaven, bearded, creepy dwarves who find it fun to murder people. So the whole Moppet thing is really creeping me out.
Freshechelle said on 09.09.10 at 03:58 AM • [link]

What a brilliant way to be introduced to SB, TB. I can see it’s going to be like mainlining heroin! Plot Moppett, hillarible, the idea of databasing plot moppetts… inspiring!
Kaetrin said on 09.09.10 at 04:21 AM • [link]

Between “plot moppets”, “I prefer my women not vile” and the “soul searching about being a dick”, I was giggling the whole way through. I dont’ want to read the book but I’d be happy to read another review!
SnarkInfestedWaters said on 09.09.10 at 04:38 AM • [link]

I miss these types of reviews. This is OLD skewl SBTB, when Sarah and Candy were ripping a new one for every improbably trashy book they could find. Oh man, and weekly cover snarking? Le sigh. I think its time for me to snoop through the archives and re-read some of those! I add my vote for more fun guest reviews, too! Great job, redheadedgirl.
KinseyHolley said on 09.09.10 at 04:57 AM • [link]

Amanda: Mrs. Dr. Girlfriend Monarch is my idol.

I miss the old melodramatic historicals. Today’s historicals are much more accurate, but they don’t make you work as hard, you know?
Flo said on 09.09.10 at 05:01 AM • [link]

*water out nose*
Oh gawds.

My plot moppet woke up because I was laughing so loud and coughing at the same time. Brilliant!
*snerks@hillirable*
Anna the Piper said on 09.09.10 at 05:16 AM • [link]

*cheers!* WELL DONE!

Also: bwahahaha “plot moppets” snorf. ^_^
Gary said on 09.09.10 at 05:52 AM • [link]

Kind of like a mystery 2000 theater for romance books.

Abs-freakin-lutely agree!

Let’s see, my daddy was from Texas, I wear open throat shirts, and one of my titles is, “Le Count de Inventory.” So why aren’t I surrounded by wimmin?
Risha said on 09.09.10 at 05:57 AM • [link]

Oh. My. God. I’VE READ THAT BOOK.

*cries for the poor reading taste of her childhood*
redheadedgirl said on 09.09.10 at 06:10 AM • [link]

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? These are my FAVORITE KIND.

I mean, sure, I adore The Spymasters Lady and the other Joanna Bourne books like WHOA, but I love me some improbable, trashtastic, hillarable old school, wouldn’t know a research book if it got hit broadside by one, where swashes are buckled and buckles are…. well, usually unbuckled, or what’s the point? historical romance. And for that kind, the Golden Age was the early to mid 90s.

BEST CARE ANY WHERE.
Eve said on 09.09.10 at 06:40 AM • [link]

“I like my women not vile.”

I laughed my ass off all day with that one. Well done on the review. I definitely would read more of your reviews!
anna said on 09.09.10 at 06:54 AM • [link]

Bahahaha…must read this ricockulousness with the plot moppets.
I totally misread “beggars can’t be choosers” as buggers can’t be chosers.
Karen said on 09.09.10 at 07:26 AM • [link]

Not only is Clay a Texan in all ways Texas, he is ALSO, at the VERY SAME TIME, British Nobility.

The only POSSIBLE way to improve upon your review (and even then it would be a stretch) would have been if Gilbert and Sullivan had survived to also read this book.

You must review books more often. Possibly full time. After you copyright “plot moppets” ;)
Literary slut Kilian said on 09.09.10 at 08:50 AM • [link]

Not only is Clay a Texan in all ways Texas, he is ALSO, at the VERY SAME TIME, British Nobility.

This is even funnier when you realize that the real-life, honest-to-gawd heir to the Earl of Essex (ninth creation of the title) is a retired grocery clerk in Yuba City CA named William Capell. Swear-to-Gawd. Here’s the wikipedia article. I found it when I read a reference to an Earl of Essex well after Cromwell and did some research because I thought the title had died out when Thomas Cromwell was executed. Well, they keep bringing the title back, and when the current Earl pops off, Mr. Capell moves into the title.

Sometimes truth *is* stranger than fiction. No mention in the wikipedia article about whether Mr Capell favors open-throated shirts or not.
Literary slut Kilian said on 09.09.10 at 08:51 AM • [link]

Sorry, forgot to put the link. Here it is:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_Jennings_Capell
brian atwood shoes said on 09.09.10 at 08:51 AM • [link]

Nice sharing, and nice points. Learned many from it. Thanks
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Babs said on 09.09.10 at 08:52 AM • [link]

OMG! That was hysterical.

Now must clean off monitor after spitting tea all over from laughing so hard at review.
orangehands said on 09.09.10 at 09:44 AM • [link]

Clay is a Texan. He has a Texan ranch, with a Texan horse, and Texan BFF, and Texan boots, and has a Texan accent, and he REALLY loves boning Texan women.

This line hooked me and it just kept getting better.

Looking back, this site has had a lot of really good guest reviews, though R. and SB Nonnie (of Pregnesia fame) are the ones that made me LMAO. More from both of them please. :)
Evelyn said on 09.09.10 at 02:52 PM • [link]

Well done! The story is so bad, I definitely have to read it.
The Original Drama Mama said on 09.09.10 at 03:06 PM • [link]

Sweet review fellow red headed girl, with a side of awesome sauce. You have made the Bitchery proud!
As a young teen I too preferred the Zebras to the HQ’s…my first romance novel (aside from the YA Sunfires) was a Zebra historical I stumbled upon while babysitting 3 male plot moppets who should have scared me off of having kids…and yes, that heroine also had the tresses ‘o flame! And she was a Duchess! In America!
And may I say that his inspecting of shed carpet hair as well as shed drapery hair was a tad, um, ew?
megsan said on 09.09.10 at 03:46 PM • [link]

wow…just wow…

that review was spectacular. I actually don’t think I will bother with the book, but rather remember it forever as explained here.
Mary McElroy said on 09.09.10 at 04:16 PM • [link]

LMAO - what a review! You sure get a lot for your money with that book!

Reminds me of some old Regency’s I read in my misguided youth - I can’t remember the authors name - Janette or Janelle something? I remember the heroine was the down and out relative who was real ‘heir’ to the fortune but lied to and kept as a lowly governess who only got a bit of old cheese to eat….
Joy said on 09.09.10 at 04:48 PM • [link]

He has a Texan ranch, with a Texan horse, and Texan BFF, and Texan boots, and has a Texan accent, and he REALLY loves boning Texan women.

Now I’m going to hear Hank Williams Jr. singing “Texas Women.” In my head. All day.

**but the best lookin women that I’ve ever seen,
have all been in Texas and all wearin jeans
Helen of Troy said on 09.09.10 at 05:10 PM • [link]

Brilliant review! I about snorted milk out my nose at “plot moppets”...
Cait said on 09.09.10 at 06:00 PM • [link]

hi, I can’t say I’ve read it, but I have this book in my inventory. A bell went off…There is a series, at least 3 books, by Lorraine Heath which is about the same thing..Texas Rogues who are really English Lords.
I have a lot of books I bought just because I liked the author and for a while I collected Evelyn Rodgers. So, there are some old Zebras, including the very first Lisa Kleypas….oops - they’re ONYX. I will probably never read them, but I can’t let go of them.
Cait
JoAnn Chartier said on 09.09.10 at 07:51 PM • [link]

Earl of Yuba City?! It would be hard to find a place more unlikely for Cromwell’s descendant! Yuba City is flat and hot as a pancake griddle, beset in summer by flocks and swarms of bugs that poop and pop green stickum on your windshield requiring a scrubbie to remove, huddled in winter under London-type fogs without the coal dust, surrounded by rice paddies and orchards, divided by stripmall highways, bordered by Marysville, its poor cousin of a migrant worker haven, and covered by airplane traffic bound for Sacra-tomato, the state capitol where the governator presides over a mammoth budget deficit and a legislature even more dysfunctional that Washington DC.

What Yuba City needs is more redheaded girls telling it the way it is! Or was! Or could be, if we only trusted the Magic Hoo Hoo and the smart bomb upstairs that comes with it, but is so often left unarmed. Present company excepted, of course.
elph said on 09.09.10 at 08:24 PM • [link]

Awesome review. I love those old Zebras. Some of the contemporaries were funny too.

And Plot Moppets sounds like a doll that should be released by Mattell, complete with street urchin wardrobe collection and a Dirty Tavern that opens on a hinge like the Barbie Dream House (but dirtier).

I really hope you’ve got some more old skool books to review!
Scarlett Scott said on 09.09.10 at 09:32 PM • [link]

OMFG. This review made my month. Maybe even my year.
He is not a douchebag, however, and we are told this because he doesn’t like the idea of eating fried bull testicles…

Thanks for the awesome read.
Vivi Andrews said on 09.09.10 at 09:50 PM • [link]

redheadedgirl, I love you so freaking hard right now. Thanks for the awesome review.

And now I’m overcome by the uncontrollable urge to break into my seekrit stash of classic old skool romances in which all countesses are redheaded and hopelessly in love with rapetastic cowboys. There must be at least three Johanna Lindseys with that plot…
KinseyHolley said on 09.09.10 at 11:45 PM • [link]

So there seems to be a lot of Smart Bitches with fabulous archives of Old Skool historicals. There ought to be a SBTB book swap going on—something like Paperback Swap, only more curated - you can find old Zebras on PBS, but you can’t know if you’re getting one of the fun awful ones, or just an awful awful one.

Folks like red headed girl and cait could pass the awesome on—as long as everybody promised to keep it going, and return the books to their original starting point.
SusiB said on 09.09.10 at 11:51 PM • [link]

I love the review. And I wish there was a way to get the book cover as a poster! I’d put it next to the entrance of my apartment, and every visitor’s eyes would pop out immediately…
Maria said on 09.10.10 at 01:29 AM • [link]

That is one of my all time favorite reviews. You totally made this long stay in the airport lighten, alot. THANK YOU!

I barely managed to contain my laughter so my fellow future passengers wouldn’t think I was a psychopath or worse, a suspicious person.
Claire said on 09.10.10 at 02:33 AM • [link]

I ROLF’d so hard.

This must happen again sometime.

OMG MAKE HER DO IT AGAIN!!!!!

word: floor59. yes, in fact, that was the number of times I was rolling on the floor. how did you know?!
Pickle said on 09.10.10 at 04:24 AM • [link]

Oh my head….. by the time I got to the end of the review I wanted to cheer. MOST EXCELLENT review of a WTF book! thanks so much for sharing!
redheadedgirl said on 09.10.10 at 04:55 AM • [link]

OKAY, okay.

I’ve gotten the go ahead to do more. As a teaser, because I’m just that nice/mean, I have one word: VIKINGS.

(please remember that I am a student, and my time is not all my own, so patience, please. I really am flattered by the enthusiasm.)
Karen said on 09.10.10 at 07:09 AM • [link]

I’ve gotten the go ahead to do more. As a teaser, because I’m just that nice/mean, I have one word: VIKINGS.

Yay!!!! Vikings were just MADE for wtf-ery!!
boogenhagen said on 09.10.10 at 10:49 AM • [link]

Well having read the book and now the review. My vote is put the review up and skip the book. Fantastic job! Plot moppets, but no mountain oysters (the true sign of not being a douchebag) :)
Ann Somerville said on 09.10.10 at 12:18 PM • [link]

If a thousand monkeys on crack typed for a thousand years, they couldn’t come up with shit worse - or sillier - than this. I doff my cap to you, dear lady, for summarising the almost unsummarisable. (“two little plot device moppets” - best throwaway phrase EVER.]

But I do have to say one thing - you all have a nerve snarking on the plots of self published books, if material of this…quality…is what publishers actually accept!
Malin said on 09.10.10 at 07:34 PM • [link]

Excellent! More reviews, next one featuring vikings. Your review really saved my whole evening, redheadedgirl! I came home from work, tired, depressed and generally very run down - but after reading your review and having laughed so hard my cats looked at me funny, I feel so much better.

Keep up the good work. I wish I could write half as well as you.
Kate said on 09.10.10 at 08:02 PM • [link]

Sounds like a real winner. The kind that gives romance novels a good name. I just read an actually good book, from the romance genre. Soul Mate by Ronald Lewis Weaver, and its nothing like you would expect. Smart.
Susan said on 09.10.10 at 10:15 PM • [link]

OMG. O…M…G. All this in one book?

Actually, there might be some descendants of British and European aristocrats in the West, because a lot of them bought ranches in the 19th century. Some of them might have lived on them and had kids.
Treehugger said on 09.11.10 at 10:13 AM • [link]

I would read this, if only for the promised description of the boots. NEVER underestimate the importance of good boots.
Lynn M said on 09.11.10 at 06:17 PM • [link]

Most excellent review!! Now I don’t have to read this because I feel I’ve been thoroughly informed, so that you for saving me the time. Sounds like this was definitely an Old Skool romance with a little bit in it for everyone. Glad the HABO worked its magic because this review was worth it.
Lynn M said on 09.11.10 at 06:22 PM • [link]

Oh, I forgot - add me to the list of a reader who wants a “I Read This Sh*t Just So You Don’t Have To…” review column starring guest reviewers like redheadedgirl. Full of spoilers and all the good, trashy bits without the annoying part of actually having to read every word of the book.
BH said on 09.12.10 at 03:10 AM • [link]

Awesomness review! Thank you. As tempting as it is, and just for the boots, I think I’ll skip this HABO book tho. I’ve got three I haven’t read from last spring.

I have a few books based off some previous HaBO comments. This one was from the carriage ride-accidental deflowering query. Wicked at Heart by Danelle Harmon. It’s got everything you need in it. The heroine: A virgin widow ala prison ship reformer, and the disgruntled ship’s captain, who is a marquess named Damon de Wolf. But that’s not all folks, he is also a pirate who is releasing his ship prisoners, but he doesn’t know it’s himself doing the pirating and prisoner release. Follow?

I also got a time travel western called Desperado’s Gold..can’t remember the author right now. Lastly, The Irish Devil by Donna Fletcher. All in TBR pile, but the captain marquess secret pirate Wolf must be first.
Sybylla said on 09.12.10 at 03:15 AM • [link]

If there ever is an “I Read This Sh*t Just So You Don’t Have To…” guest column, I want to put my name in the ring right now to lay claim to Judith Duncan’s Hold Back the Dawn (Worldwide Superromance #77). It’s not quite as much of a dog’s dinner as this one, but it’s got one of the most spectacularly undiagnosed-MPD-suffering heroines I’ve ever encountered. (She’s a brilliant Canadian geologist. And a halo-less saint. With a disappearing, reappearing spine. And shloads of money. That no one can know about. Also unexpected talents. Etc. And so on.) It cries out for a review. Cries for it, I tell you.
Darlene Marshall said on 09.12.10 at 03:24 AM • [link]

Note to self #1: Must include “plot moppets” in next novel

Note to self #2: Must not drink scotch while reading reviews. Snorting good single malt out of your nose hurts.
bucko said on 09.12.10 at 05:17 PM • [link]

oh that was perfect! I surrendered to the wtf. and how!
Myranda said on 09.13.10 at 05:34 AM • [link]

That was one of the most hilarious reviews ever!
Qadesh said on 09.13.10 at 07:11 AM • [link]

Ditto what the rest have said.

Now, can someone please include the cover to this book in the next Cover Snark?! Please. Because look at girlfriend’s body, that can’t be comfortable. Not to mention the boobie he’s smooshing, and the fact that her legs don’t look like they are connected to her torso.

It should be a requirement that craptastic books require craptastic covers.
BH said on 09.13.10 at 05:42 PM • [link]

Thank you! I needed a good laugh.

Awesomness review! Plot moppets…lol. As tempting as this book is ;), and just for the boots alone, I think I’ll skip this HABO book tho. I’ve got three from a HaBO I haven’t read from last spring. One was via the carriage rut in the road accidental deflowing incident post which led to a book about a confused marquess pirate named Damon de Wolfe, and the other was a jilted bride who time traveled back to old west winding up in a brothel having her virginity auctioned off. Haven’t read them yet, but I had good intentions of doing so 4 months ago….swear.

Sarah—we need more HaBO book reviews. That was hilarious.

how76: Wondering how many books I read in 1976, as a youngster, that I thought were the bestest romantic books ever to be written, only to reread them now and, well, have plot moppets and nice boots.
lunarocket said on 09.16.10 at 04:11 PM • [link]

I think its time for me to snoop through the archives and re-read some of those! I add my vote for more fun guest reviews, too! Great job, redheadedgirl.

HEY!! Maybe we should have a contest! Who can write the funniest guest review. Of course, we’d need a month to probably find a really nasty book and compose our incredibly funny reviews. That way we can take the pressure off of redheadedgirl for a while! And then we can all vote! Voting is fun! ;-)
SB Sarah said on 09.16.10 at 05:36 PM • [link]

You want a “I Read This so you don’t have to” retro category? No problem. Done.

@sybylla: Bring it on. You want to Hold Back the Dawn without holding back? My email inbox awaits. :)

@lunarocket et al: I’d been thinking of having a Wayback Retro Romance category, where in older classics get re-read after a few years (Julie Garwood’s historicals come to mind). But if you’d like a guest review category of “Back In the Days of Fuchsia” you know, when the Zebras were crazy, I’m so totally game.
redheadedgirl said on 09.16.10 at 05:45 PM • [link]

I did go to my favorite used bookstore this weekend (which is closing, NOOOOOO) (but everything is 50% off YAAAAAAAAAY), and picked up a crap ton of Oh-Honey-Noes, and have been reminded that even more hillarable than the Zebra Historicals is the Zebra Heartfire Historicals.

Awwwwwwww, yeah.
SB Sarah said on 09.16.10 at 06:10 PM • [link]

Are the Heartfire Historicals the ones with that guy with the huge curly hair and the white puffy shirt on the spine? I LOVED him and could never figure out why he wasn’t in any of the books!
redheadedgirl said on 09.16.10 at 06:37 PM • [link]

I…. don’t think so. I have a vague memory of what you mean, and on the spine of the one I’m reading now (teaser: Mennonite with a dash of Rev War add in a splash of manwhore Red Coat = OMGWTFBBQ) is a crop of the cover art.

(Unlike the regular Zebra Historicals which had the guy and girl, both with blue black hair, and he’s kissing her cheek and she’s practically snapped her neck to present it to him…. I looked for the book that was cropped from for years.)
Ellid said on 09.23.10 at 04:05 AM • [link]

BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

Sweetie, I really desperately needed a laugh. Between the Plot Moppets, the Magic Hoo-Hoo, and the Texas Viscount and his naughty taste in shirts, you did the trick!
jim hjelm said on 10.11.10 at 09:15 AM • [link]

What a great post, thanks man.
jim hjelm
jim hjelm occasions