Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

oo! babies! i’m kinda a baby fanatic. if i’m at school too long without going home and seeing “my” babies, i go into withdrawal. that being said, yes, the babies on these covers are a bit creepy. and i want to go steal them away from the scary people that claim to be their parents. especially the ones in the first cover—who the hell dresses their kid like that? in ANY time period??

oh, and, congrats, sarah! too bad you dont live in the amherst area (you dont, do you?) or i’d offer my babysitting services…

Congratulations, Sarah!

Poor little 1970’s toddler in THE CHRISTMAS MATCHMAKER, flung back almost two centuries in time!

Mazal tov, Sarah!  Freebird’s going to love being a big bro.

Congrats to both of you smart bitches!

Jeez Louise, I could’ve sworn Freebird was only a few months old. Time flies! Congratulations, Sarah! 

Oh, and that cover with the pregnant woman suffering from back labor? Is the worst cover EVAH. One glimpse of that and I lost all feeling in my tingly parts.

Hey! In the sequel, the hero watches lustfully, pants already unbuttoned, as the heroine slouches on the couch in a filthy bathrobe, greasy hair falling into her eyes as she nurses a newborn. “I’ve got the perfect salve for cracked nipples, darlin’,” he purrs, while her vacant eyes burn, too exhausted to produce real tears.

Wow, so much good news in one day. Congrats to you Sarah!

Congrats, Sarah, hubby, and Freebird!  That’s awesome news.  May your child look nothing like the horrible child-things displayed on these covers.

WTF?? I just clicked that orgasmic childbirth link and… I don’t want any part of an equation like me + child = orgasm.  Just seems incestuous to me.  Would it be even more gross if dad whipped it out and jerked while mom’s having a baby?  Eww, eww, eww.

OMG, I had finally managed to put that Somebody’s Baby cover out of my head, and then I go and stumble across it on here!

The mortified author

Sarah, that is AWESOME! Only…how do you follow up with a second name as cool as Freebird? Maybe you should run a Smart Bitch contest to find a Secret Blog Name for SB Baby II.

THE CHRISTMAS MATCHMAKER - Is she wearing a dress decorated with buttons?  I think I may have had a dress like that in 1983 (when I was 5…)

Congrats Sarah!

Why do you all do this to me?  Now I’m cringing because of all of the anachronisms in the Matchmake cover.  Aside from the knee britches and the Simplicity pattern dress—Didn’t anyone involved with this cover know that children of both sexes wore “frocks” until age 3.  I’m sure it had something to do with toilet training.  But I also think there has probably been a serioua lack of research among regency authors about toilet training.

CONGRATS!! That is really great. Now if I could only forget the horrible covers!

Congratulations, that’s wonderful news!!

I suspect from the dazed smiles on the man and woman of the Baby Exchange cover that what they are about to exchange those babies for is more heroin.

Oops, that last comment (about the heroin) was me. I brought my cookies over from another site, apparently. Stupid site.

Congrats, Sarah!

That kid in “Somebody’s Baby” looks really freaky, like he’s planning to kill. That would be an interesting book to read.

Congrats SBSarah!!

Congratulations! (I think federal regulations prohobit you from looking at these covers while pregnant though).

Wow, having done both—law school and two babies—I don’t know which of you is in for the wilder adventure.

But my guess is: Candy. Because seriously, it’s unnatural. (But motherhood, while natural, is for-freaking-ever.)

Congratulations to you both. If you

ever need moral support, feel free to contact me. But not for advice. Because the only sane advice is “run!” and it’s just not PC.

Plus, it all worked out in the end. Motherhood and law school are only difficult when you’re in media res. When they’re over? Piece of cake.

Kate

Congratulations Sarah!

When I saw “Somebody’s Baby” on the cover, I thought it was a “rushed to print” book about a famous someone who shall remain nameless who now has a multitude of men young & old rushing to claim paternity of her baby.

Then I read about orgasmic childbirth and now have an image permanently seared into my brain of a baby being born with a BOB in its hand.

And of course I HAD to click on the link.  In this age of oversharing, I can honestly say this is the first time I’ve heard about people actually sharing their orgasmic experiences.

My fave line from the story about orgasmic childbirth? “If conception feels good, why not childbirth?” Yeah, why not? It’s a helluva mystery. Clearly another example of The Man keeping us from knowing our own bodies.

Re: the small dark figure taking a dump in the fire

See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caganer

I just found out about this at a “Poop Night” I attended last month with my brother.  A whole night of improv comedy / stories about poop.  With free beer.

Holy crap, a day for news here! Congrats, Sarah. And that cover #3 is like Vietnam flashbacks for mothers. Damn! No! I won’t go back!

Sarah, that’s wonderful! Congratulations!

and wondering how their colleague, Hgr’nak-G’thak, was doing in his quest for blood.

And thanks, Candy, I almost choked to death on my pizza.

Congrats, Sarah!! Yay!!

Candy, your comments on the first cover cracked me up. Or as the daughter of a friend of mine says - cracked me out!

You have no idea! All I can say is (congratulations and…):

http://www.whatisdeepfried.com/zogg/zogg1.html

KSA!

Sarah—Congratulations to you, too!  That’s wonderful.  Sorry to tell you that in my case the whole pregnancy thing was much less glamorous the second time around (on many base levels that need not be detailed here). 

The good part was that labor was around 23 hours shorter.  (As evidence of my longtime lurkiness here at SB, I remember that my Little Man was born on the same day as Freebird!) 

Not sure about you, but my notion of blissed out during labor is an epidural and not the possiblity of an orgasm as my baby crowns.  I also know that during my third trimester I was utterly estranged from any notion of horniness such as that being exhibited by the heroine of “Marriage and Miracles.”  Had I ever been in her position, my only thought would have been how I was going to lever my bulk up out of that armless chair so that I could go and pee.

Congrats, Sarah!  I’m due in the beginning of October!  Isn’t it fun?

At last Little Boy Blue got his horn, so he can go blow it…unfortunately the horn isn’t the only thing that blows on this cover. Can someone tell the tool that wrote this cover commentary that a: Cupid doesn’t go around dropping off gifts like some cherubified Santa, and b: It’s Christmas, not Valentine’s Day!!!

Congratulations SB Sarah and family!

Oh god, the murderous babies! I may or may not have suffered from mild incontinence due to the laughing!

Also, the word of the day is ‘father48’. How appropriate!

Outta curiosity, does anyone know of a -good- (or at the very least, entertaining) book with a Secret Baby?  I am loathe to admit, but on the very rare occasion, I may even seek these dark tomes out…

Oh wow!!!!  That’s wonderful news!  September baby!  How awesome.  :-) 

Those covers are horrible.  Looking at the Marriage and Miracles one reminded me of my very uncomfortable last few months of pregnancy.  Wow.  Not romantic at all.

Congratulations on the New Smart-Bitch Baby! Keep us posted on how things are going!!!

And, as always…thanks for the Cover-Snark….especially the little Cannibals…buahaha..

There really isn’t enough romance set in the trauma, heartbreak and terror of the stolen baby industry.

Nora wrote three books like that that I know of, the latest being Born in Death. I think Birthright also qualifies, and there’s one of the Donovans (whose name I can never remember) with a similar plot.

I think that’s about all I can stand of that particular plot device however.

Congrats!!

“Hearts of Fire”: The guy looks like he has a thing for the pregnant ladies. Hide those baby bumps!

Congrats ladies. Sounds like both of you have some “hard labor” ahead!  BRAWHAHAHA

Good luck with both endeavors.

AND keep those covers coming. They are truly awful…and yet, so funny.

Congratulations, SB Sarah! :)

Congratulations to Sarah, Sarah’s hubby, and Freebird.  The world can always use another Smart Bitch!

Congratulations, SB Sarah! 

Victoria, you made me cough my cupcakes with that post-partum scenario of the pervy papa panting after the mom with the suckling infant and burning, empty eyes.  Thanks for starting my day off right!

Thanks, gigi!  I have experience with the empty, burning eyes myself, as my boys are less than two years apart. (Oh, hello, SB Sarah! Fancy meeting you here. Have some eyedrops.)

Congrats Sarah & The Second Spud!

Congrats Candy!

Congrats to…the poor cover layout folks who were able to put these together without slitting their throats with their X-Acto knives!  (Or beating themselves to death with the Adobe Pagemaker packaging, depending on when exactly these were made.)

Services51—heh!

These had me laughing so hard, they probably heard me two miles away. (Holy shit, the killer babies had me snorting. SNORTING, I tell you!)

Congratulations, Sarah! (But note, your boobies are probably going to get much, much bigger than the chick on the orgasmic birth cover. (Unless N’grik-Thagn ate her boobies…)

Congratulations, Sarah - that’s great news.

I’m afraid the Marriage & Miracles book cover is only bringing up memories about when I read that series.  My recollection was that this book featured the younger, sheltered, innocent girl - like late teens young - and the older, experienced man and the man walked all over that poor kid.  She never knew what hit her.  That story frustrated the crap out of me.  But the series as a whole was one big cracktacular soap opera, so what’s not to love in the end?

Both clitoral and nipple stimulation are great ways to get labor a-going ... sexual arousal increases oxytocin levels in the blood, which prompts contractions.  And if you really want to get it going, full blown intercourse is super great because semen is a prostaglandin, which is great to get the cervix dilating.  But female orgasm is best.

Excellent cover snark.  Sorry for the random info, but I just came from a midwifery conference and I’m all pumped ... go forth and orgasm your way to a better birth experience!  :)