Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

Gobbler’s Knob

One shot Wild Turkey
One shot ginger ale
Cup of chipped ice.

Shaken vigorously. Garnish with orange slice.

Good Night
1 bottle of champayne
4 ounces of Rye or Vodka or both
8 ounces of Drambui
1/2 cup of sugar
dash of grenadine for color
Stir, pour over ice in a VERY tall glass, add lemon wedge and a straw.
drink and find a lap to sit in

Man Titty

1 shot rum (because some of those boys are very rum indeed)
1 shot vodka (for fuzzy round the edges)
2 shots passion (fruit) juice (because we all know that’s what they’re thinking)
Salt round the rim and 2 cherries to serve.

Lovely Lady Humps

1/2 cup orange soda
1 shot vanilla vodka
1 shot peach liquor
ice

garnish with 2 generous peach slices and a good dollop of whipped cream

Feel free to hum Prince’s tune ‘Cream’ while you mix.

SMART BITCH - sweet with a sting

1 shot DeKuyper cherry schnapps
1 shot Hot Damn cinnamon schnapps
1 shot vodka

Shake, pour over ice. 

Garnish with stemmed cherry.

I’m not actually competing, but I thought I’d throw out the Most Popular Drink from my college marching band days.  (Go, Florida State University Marching Chiefs!)

Anyone who thinks musicians are wimps hasn’t ever had Hairy Buffalo.

This is not exactly scientific

1 40 qt. ice chest
Lotsa ice
Lotsa clear sodas (ginger ale, Sprite, 7-up, etc)
Lotsa clear alcohols
Definitely some grain alcohol (we used to have to cross state lines to obtain this ingredient)
Fresh cut fruit.
Shredded coconut (this is what made it “hairy”)

And if you add Grape Kool-Aid, it becomes known as Purple Jesus.

Hairy Face - rough going down!

1 shot Tequila
1 shot Southern Comfort
1 shot Triple Sec
Apple Juice
Lime Zest

Man Juice - a shooter

1 single shot of Scottish Whisky
1 dollop of mayonaise

In Ur Ass, Savin’ Ur Life
(Inspired by the Decadent review)

1 shot Jägermeister
1 shot Strawberry Pucker
1 shot Cherry Pucker
1 shot Watermelon Pucker

First, take a whiff of the delicious smell of the three pucker shots. Then, completely mess up your senses by drinking the Jager (definitely not what you were expecting, right?). Follow up the Jager with the three pucker shots. The yummy flavor will definitely be a life saver and the results of the drink will leave you as confused as the book.

Centrifugal Bumblepuppy

Lots of Ice
1/4 cup Vodka
Grape Juice
Apple Juice
Cranberry Juice

Fill (and I mean fill) 2qt blender with ice. Add vodka. Fill remaining space with juice in whatever flavor proportion tastes good to you. Pulse blender until ice is crushed. Serve to your guests. Tell them they will know they are drunk when they can no longer say “Centrifugal Bumblepuppy”.

Given the amount of ice, it does not take long for the hilarity to commence!

This is a real drink (but it’s awful, so I don’t partake)

Drowning in a Puddle:

Equal parts:
ripple (anything cheap and hard)
Mountain Dew or 7Up

The real story is behind the name. This friend got so drunk off this that when he went outside he passed out face down in the yard. Then it started to rain. He had to be “rescued” from a half inch - inch deep puddle.

(army38, no he was Navy in fact)

The Gin Whore (inspired by a line in The Serpent Prince)

2oz gin
6 oz homemade lemonade
Dash of bitters

Shake with ice, pour into a tumbler, garnish with citrus, drink. Make eyes at someone you’d like to jack off like a gin whore.

Hoffmeister

5 shots Jägermeister
12 Krystal cheeseburgers
1 porcelain god (or goddess)

Do 5 shots of Jägermeister.  This will be quickly followed by an insatiable urge for many Krystal (that’s White Castle for all y’all above the Mason Dixon line) cheeseburgers.

Finish your evening by becoming BFF with the porcelain god (or goddess - no discrimation here).

Purple Prose

1 shot parfait amour
1 shot blackberry liqueur
1 shot grape juice
1 shot sloe gin
1 shot chambord
1 shot of brandy
1 shot of…hey, what else you got back there?  What do you mean, that’s too much already?  There’s no such thing as too much!  I’m not done yet, keep pouring!
1 shot of cointreau
1 shot of Tequila Rose
1 shot of vodka

Garnish with a cherry, a wedge of lemon, a slice of watermelon, a slice of orange, a slice of apple, and any other fruit the greengrocer next door might have.

69 Bitches

6 oz. di Saronno Amaretto
9 oz. Dom Perignon champagne
Cocktail cherries

Drop cherry into a frosted champagne flute. Gently shake amaretto and champagne over ice, pour into flute. When you get to the cherry in the bottom, “pop” the cherry and tie the stem in a knot using only your teeth and tongue. You won’t be going home alone. [and I hate when I hit the submit too soon. Yay for new edit feature! *sends mad props to Candy/SBSarah and/or web master*]

Fruitcake Run Off
Personally, though I’ve never actually made this, I’d take the drink over the fruitcake, any day.

Locate a fruitcake recipe that requires several pounds of dried (not candied) fruit (apricots, cranberries, golden raisins, etc.)  Chop the fruit and soak overnight in an entire bottle of Cream Sherry and one can of pineapple juice.
The next morning, drain and reserve the runoff, then finish the cakes and give them to your mother. Later, mix equal parts of the drained liquid with club soda and serve in a martinie glass garnished with toothpicks of red and green candied cherries.

This drink is very rare, becuase fruitcake is only made once ever three to four years, in our family.

I think I found my new drink recipe book!

except for the man juice….

spamword: will41 - I WILL, I WILL, I WILL

Fizzy Love

2 parts limecello or limoncello
1 part Grand Marnier
Splash of Pom or PAMA (Pomegranate Juice or Pomegranate Liqueur)

Shake with ice and strain into a martini glass
Float a splash of champagne
Garnish with Lime twist and strawberry

(limoncello/limecello is vodka infused with lemon or lime zest and simple syrup)

I’m entering FOR Christine who left this at my blog and it’s become our offical NIAB martini.She made it herself.

Pop My Cherry Martini

2 oz. Three Olives Cherry Vodka
1 oz. Cranberry juice

Shake with ice and strain into chilled martini glass dipped in (my) honey and rimmed with Pop Rocks.

This was sent to me just last week in an email…this seemed like the perfect place/occasion to pass it on:

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they’re sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar:
A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
“First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you slam the lime juice.”
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue… salty but OK.
He drinks the shot of Baileys…smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant.
He thinks…this is OKAAAAAY!
Finally he picks up the lime juice and slams it.
In one second the sharp lime taste hits.
At two seconds the Baileys curdles.
At three seconds the salty, curdled taste and mucous-like consistency hits.
At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.
This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, “Holy shit, what do you call that drink?”
She smiles angelically at him and says, “Blow Job Revenge.”

LOL, my spam word is “ill68”—Yeah, I’d be ill if I drank this (and yes, I was born in ‘68)

Savage Hangover

One part Good Evening
One part 69 Smart Dogs
Two parts Dark Lilac Prose

Mix together in a purloined bucket and top with raspberries. Then howl with outrage over accusations of stealing from other contestants.

Bartender’s note: Thanks to Joanne, Donna and Rachel (see Good Night, 69 Smart Bitches and Purple Prose above) for coming up with way better drinks than I ever could and giving me the idea for this parody. Wait, do I mean lampoon?

Rosy Red Russian

5 parts Stolichnaya Raspberry Vodka
2 parts Kahlua
1 scoop vanilla gelato

Pour over a small scoop of vanilla gelato (ice cream works, too, but gelato has the best texture). Garnish with a raspberry and it’s a very suggestive, drunken little boob!

You can also make it a straight-up Red Russian drink—just sub cream for gelato.

The Slow Comfortable Screw
1oz vodka
3/4oz Southern Comfort
3/4oz sloe gin
Fresh orange juice

Fill chilled high ball glass with ice and pour in vodka,Southern Comfort and gin, and stir well. Fill the rest with orange juice.

Not only is this drink a great brunch tipple but, I dare you to ask someone if they want one.  They always do!

Phillips Screwdriver

Pour 1 shot vodka over ice
Drizzle 1 tsp. Phillip’s Milk of Magnesia over ice
Top off with orange juice

For regular customers . . .

The Napoli

2 parts sufuric acid
2 parts gasoline (unleaded)
1 part denatured alcohol
1 part soy sauce
1 part pineapple juice
2 habanero peppers and a cherry

Coz he deserves the very best.

Did you forget the anti-freeze, Carrie?

*g*

The Connie Swail

4 oz peach juice
2 oz pomegranate juice
6 oz 7-up
1/2 oz grenadine

Pour over ice and serve with a cherry.

i was going to suggest the
“slow comfortable screw against the wall” too—if only because of how i was taught how to remember it:

1 shot Sloe gin (a fiesty redhead)
1 shot Vodka (deh popular soshial lubricant)
1 shot Southern Comfort (a “gentleman”)
1 shot Galliano (the ever helpful wall)
Orange juice (the ‘screw’)

bartenders are a kinky crew.

i totally didn’t intend for that stupid smiley, either.  someone make it go away.  i’m not THAT obvious.

The Hyper Black Ferret

cup of hot Coffee
2 shots Jack Daniels
splash of Amaretto
top with Whipped cream

Pour coffee into a sexy see thru coffee mug, add Jack Daniels and splash of Amaretto, top with whipped cream.
Await the caffiene buzz, when it hits, scurry around the room searching for sexy scientists who wanna research and save you!!

Blended Frog Prince

(looks like hell, with the congealed look of a frog that went too many rounds in a blender after pissing of a smartbitch, but absolutely delicious and very smooth—note to self slam more than four or you’ll hit the floor.)

pour a touch of grenadine in a shot glass and swirl the glass to coat
1 shot Creme de Menthe
1 shot Jagermeister
2 shots Baileys

Wait 4 seconds for Baileys to get that “froggy” look.  Slam at will.

Lemon Limone

A frosty summer favorite among the moms about three weeks into summer break when you start asking when school starts again.

1 can frozen lemonade
blender full of ice
1 cup Bacardi Limone
Blend and enjoy!

spamanator return15 *dear God NO! I have a daughter who thinks shes almost 15 (she just turned 10), the last thing I need to do is return to being 15 myself.*

Back when I could drink I was fond of poinsettias:

1 shot cranberry juice
1 glass champagne
1 shot vodka

mix

drink until you start singing Xmas carols - no matter what the time of year.

grrr i tried to edit my title..

” Hyper Black Footed Ferret”

can’t forget the footed. lol

ohmigosh, everyone has actual measurements. I just slosh this stuff together.
Drink your Veggies
Take one frost mug.
Fill it half way with your favorite beer. (I love Black Butte’s Porter)
Fill the remainder with V-8 juice.
add a couple of dashes of Tabasco
a shake of celery salt.

yummmmmmmmmm. If you are dieting, you could use lite beer.

Anybody going to come up with a recipe for a Savage Screw for those who’ve tasted plagiarism?

Just sayin’....

Carrot juice with a shot [or two] of vodka—I call it ‘Cwazy Wabbit’.

The Punishing Kiss

4 oz 160 proof dark rum
2 oz Armagnac
Shot of Tabasco
  Add a Hershey’s chocolate kiss, light it, and drink through a metal straw

The Stiff Concoction

1/3 pulque
2/3 clear 151 proof rum
  Garnish with a whole carrot at least 6 inches long

Good luck to all contestants!  I’m going to try some of these…rim the glass with pop rocks?  Too fun. 

Whisky & mayo?  Reminds me of that jello salad mom used to make, jello squares coated with mayo. We were required to “try it”.  Seriously almost tossed my cookies, and couldn’t eat jello or mayo for at least a decade.

Fill a cocktail shaker with ice
Pour in a shot of tequila (good stuff if you have it!)
Add 1 tablespoon (more or less depending on taste) Powdered Gatorade Mix
Top off with seltzer
Shake and strain into a glass

I have also done this with champagne instead of seltzer and I have heard of people using beer. As you can imagine, this was originally created out of what was left over at the end of an achaeology job out in the field. It’s very good though! We always called it a tequila fizz but maybe it needs a better name….

As you can imagine, this was originally created out of what was left over at the end of an achaeology job out in the field. It’s very good though! We always called it a tequila fizz but maybe it needs a better name….

How about “Ancients’ Ruin”?

The Hershey Highway

2 oz. Vanilla Vodka
1 oz. Kahlua
1/2 oz. half and half
enough Hershey’s syrup to properly lube…er, FLAVOR.

Blend together with ice, and remember to relax before you begin.

The Popped Cherry

2 oz. Rum
1 oz. Vodka
Grenadine to taste

Mix together and top with Sprite and a generous amount of split marachinos.

Savor the sweet taste of experience.

I came up with this drink in Florida. Best name I’ve been able to come up with is the Tropical Spoon:

2 shots coconut rum
Orange juice

Garnish (if desired): Drop a wedge of lime in. (Because, for the last time, you put the lime IN the coconut ...)

There’s an erotica anthology coming out sometime this year called Screaming Orgasms and Sex on the Beach, edited by Shanna Germain, in which all of the stories are inspired by drinks (both the naughty named ones and others—mine was inspired by a drink called The Witch of Venice, which actually sounds disgusting because it has creme de bananas in it).

Just Swallow It

Salt
A shot of Baileys
A shot of lime juice

Drink it very fast, before you can taste it.  And then lick your lips, smile at the person who gave it to you, and say, “Okay,  hon, time to reshingle the roof.”

This one is sooo easy and man we couldn’t believe how great it tasted. We figured this one out while pushing a week on the islands and having so much fun no one wanted to go in for ice and beer.
You take Malibu Rum, plastic bottle no glass on the beach of course, and Diet Vernors.
I know it sounds completely nasty, but you can’t believe the taste that comes from it. It’s almost like a vanilla-nut burst of summer in your mouth.
It’s even good flat or warm. (LOL)
You can do shots or just take whats left of the rum and dump it in a 2 liter.
We love this stuff and call it a Dirty Summer Lovin.
Even the men who are all about the beer liked it a lot.
The only problem is it goes down way too easy… Yikes. You can go from zero to mouthy bitch, PDQ.

„Pond water“ – aka „Green algal bloom“

5 cl Cachaca or white rum
1 cl Blue Curacao
1 cl Triple sec
5 cl orange juice
15 cl passionfruit juice
1 cl grapefruit juice

Mix and serve on crushed ice.

Svenja (long-time lurker, first-time poster)

Nipple Ring

1 shot vanilla vodka
1 shot baileys
1 shot butterscotch schnapps

Mix and serve straight up. Garnish with a cherry.

I hereby give you five magnificent drinks, all originating from my [insert gender neutral word for sorority/fraternity here]:

Inexperienced
4 cl (1 shot) Southern Comfort
Top with Sprite/seven up

Unstable
8 cl Southern Comfort
Top with Sprite/seven up

Incompetent
16 cl Southern Comfort
Top with Sprite/seven up

Indigestible
4 cl Sprite
Top with Southern Comfort

And finally -for a similar effect as described in plainjane’s charming little story:

Monkey Wank
4 cl Baileys
1 shot (4 cl) Coke

How about recipes for “TSTL” and “Asshole Hero”?

The Category Romance Cocktail

Ingredients:

A crystal glass (Waterford preferred)
2 Tbs Pie Cherries pureed (A virgin with mixed feelings)
3 Oz Champagne (Sparkle and some cash required)
2 Oz Tequila (Made from cactus because a little prick now and then is a good thing

Optional ingredients: Egyptian pickles (lots of salt, garlic and hot stuff) For the Chic Sheikh; Bad coffee and bitters for the Divorced Cop version; and Whole Organic Milk for the Tanned Bland Hero.

Awesomely Good Milk Shake

3 scoops ice cream
1 shot espresso
1 shot Godiva chocolate liqueur (for chocolate shakes)
(sub 1 shot baileys for vanilla shakes)

Blend or float, and top with whipped cream.

Coco-Loco Style Margarita

Combine in one 40oz Blender:

20 oz   ice chips or cubes
1 shot triple sec
4 shot tequila (gold is nice)
4-6 oz pineapple concentrate, frozen

Blend. Dip rims of margarita glasses in honey, then in toasted coconut. Makes 4.

Ok, I miss mixing, so I’m going to play . . .

Topshelf Seduction

2 oz Vodka (Stoli or Absolut)
1 oz Godiva Chocolate liqueur
1 oz Chambord Raspberry liqueur

*ALT: Raspberry Vodka

(straight-up, chilled martini glass, no rocks, no garnish, serve with truffles & candlelight)

She’s Sweet But She Bites

2 oz Vodka (Stoli or Absolut)
1 oz Grand Marnier liqueur
1 oz Chambord Raspberry liquer

*ALT: Raspberry Vodka if you want more berry
(shaken & strained, chilled martini glass, no rocks)

Vampire Kisses

1 oz Midori
1 oz Chambord Raspberry liquer
1 oz Triple Sec
dash sours
dash of cranberry for the red trickle look [Do this last step in front of the customer]
(cocktail, heavy rocks)

*ALT—Kisses with Teeth
-add 2 oz Vodka instead of Triple Sec

The Gary Ferber

*flavor it to your liking*

Pineapple juice
Crushed ice
Vodka
A dash of tequila
Shake well
Pour in a margarita glass (either salted or sugared), serve cold and add a dollop of whipped cream and maraschino cherries.

Copycat Cassie

Take a drink from above
Copy the exact order
And claim it as your own

Did you forget the anti-freeze, Carrie?

He’s got the pineapple juice in there—no need to make it overly sweet!

In response to the request for a TSTL coktail - it’s called a can of Ginger Ale - they don’t know any freakin better and the ale part throws ‘em off.

My favourite Drink: SO not a Virgin Bloody Mary

Glass full of ice - hit the bottom with a spash of Guiness Beer. Add your Mix of Choice 3 to one with Vodka. Add Tabasco and Worsteschire (sp) to taste. Serve with both olives and Dill spears.
That’s what makes it definately not a virgin, the spear and the balls.

If family is visiting - use equal parts mix and vodka.

The Cocksucking Lesbo (Think about it)

1 (or 2 if you like it sweet) scoop vanilla ice cream

An amount of whatever makes you happy of Malibu Rum

An equal amount of Passõa (passion fruit liquor)

Top off with orange juice

Serve in tall, pink glasses and with straw and something frilly.

Oh and to add to the lovely recipes with Baileys and acids:

Car Bomb

Take a tall glass, pour in a shot of Whisky

fill up with Guinness (but not till the rim)

take a shot glass with Baileys

drop the shot glass in the tall glass and hurry the hell up with drinking:)

A Bailey’s Smoothie

Put in a blender:
2 ice cubes per person
3 1/2 ouces Baileys Irish Cream per person

I don’t what to call it, other than “yummmmm”:  get yourself an Arby’s Jamocha shake, add a shot of Frangelico, stir thoroughly with your straw, then suck and slurp.

Oh.

Wow.

The Raging Hard-on

One shot of Jack Daniels
One can of Red Bull
One crushed Viagra

The Broken Hooker

One bottle TGIF’s Mudslide
add:

Mile high teased hair with a bad dye job
Skin tight fur collared coat
Skin tight black leather pants
One black knee high stiletto boot
One walking cast
Finish with one metal walker.

(My daughter saw this woman last Saturday)

I created the Rose Fart a few years ago:

lg rocks glass with ice
2oz white rum
1/2 oz Grand Marnier
Fill w/ diet 7Up
Garnish with a rose bud

Of course, I didn’t realize what a rose fart was and thought I was so damn clever to come up with such a name. Alternate names discussed for this drink over the last few years:

Queef Quaff
Carb-B-Q (it was Atkins-friendly, now passe)
Death by Ploot Ploot

The Heaving Bosom

1 ounce Chambord Raspberry Liqueur
2 ounces Absolut Raspberry Vodka
A generous splash of 7-Up (or any other lemon-lime soda)

Shake and strain.  Serve straight-up in a chilled martini glass.  Garnish with two large, heaving raspberries.

The Lovable Rake

2 ounces Southern Comfort
A generous splash of simple syrup
1 orange slice
2 cherries

Muddle fruit in bottom of rocks glass.  Add ice, SoCo, and simple syrup.  Swizzle and serve.

Being technically underage for this sort of thing, I know nothing about cocktails (*snort*), but OHEMGEE I am laughing my appendix out at some of these! “Man Titty?” “Stiff Concotion?” “Broken Hooker?” Good lord… Must not disturb roommate…

Forbidden Fruit

1 1/2 oz. Three Olives apple vodka
1 1/2 oz. POM pomegranate juice
1 cup crushed ice
1 sprig of mint

Put pomegranate juice, apple vodka and cup of ice into a blender set on low for five seconds until firm.

Add to a crystal glass.

Garnish with mint to add to the taste and to give your drink the proper illusion of leaves.

Then enjoy your immoral indulgence.

Had to de-lurk for this one…

The Bookie:

1 to 2 shots of scotch
top with cranberry juice
ice is optional

Called “the Bookie” because it tastes exactly the way old books smell. Invented in university by an English students’ association. Really, you have to try it to believe it. Exactly like setting foot in a second hand book store!

I confess to having had my fair share of PJ (Purple Jesus)!

Bitches Tit:
Heavy Cream
Kahlua
Baileys Irish Cream

Spit or Swallow:
Bailey’s Irish Cream held in mouth
Shoot Lime and Lemon juice in
Swish

Secret Baby:
Malibu Rum
Orange Juice
Atomic Fireball in the bottom of glass

Hidden Husband:
Bourbon
Coke
One shot Jagermeister

Slutz

1 jigger coconut rum
1 jigger peach schnapps
1 jigger vodka
4 oz orange juice
2 oz sprite

Ok the first mixed drink I was ever introduced to by my grandmmother (for brunch and yes she was something else)

Kir Royale:
1 cl creme de cassis (black currant syrup)
9 cl champange

I was about 16 at a fancy hotel (it was in Munich so hold yer horses) and just the thought of the drink makes my nose itch (the champange bubbles)

Captain Jack Sparrow

1 oz dark rum
1/2 oz creme de cacao
1 oz apple juice (yes, really)

Shake with ice. Strain and serve in martini glass. Garnish with cherry.

Sweet Death Punch

1 bottle malibu rum pineapple flavor
1 1 liter bottle sprite
1 can concetrate welches ruit punch
1 40 oz vodka

mix serve and enjoy!

(one nite the girls and I from my dorm wanted to get drunk but no one could drink vodka straight up so we added what we had and came up with this)

Y’all are making this SO very hard.  All this makes me want to take off for the licker store and do some taste-testing. 

Assuming that it’s okay with Sarah, I think I’d love to collect all these up and put them on the website, immortalized….

Welp, I’m new here but I’m going to give it a go, although this has nothing to do with anything related to Kathleen O’Reilly. Having just found yesterday your review of Catherine Coulter’s Devil’s Embrace(when i read the book, even my shameless romance-reading self went “wait…WHAT?”), i offer, made up on the spot:

the Devil’s Embrace
2 oz Pomegranate liqueur (for that middle-eastern sort of flavor)
1 oz bumboo (for the pirate in all of us)
Top with a large dollop of Creme Anglais before attempting to drink (for…well, you know)

I really wish I could come up with a good recipe named “the Turgid Member”, but I can’t. *sniffle*

I really wish I could come up with a good recipe named “the Turgid
Member”, but I can’t. *sniffle*

Whatever it is, it’d better be a stiff one.

use13 - is that 13 ingredients, or 13 inches??

Although I’m not surprised to see there already is one with this same title, here’s my

Captain Jack Sparrow

The “water” (not milk) from one fresh coconut
1 ounce dark rum
Juice of 1 key lime

Mix well and serve. Stagger around yelling WHY IS THE RUM GONE until your friends no longer find this amusing.

The Husky Murmur

1 can strawberry crush
splash of vodka
splash of tequila
splash of gin
splash of peach schnapps
1 large plastic cup (no need to dirty a real glass!)

Swirl it around in the cup, gulp it down. Once it’s down you’ll be talking with that same husky murmur all the sexy people use in romance novels…or you’ll just be headed straight to the bathroom to pay homage.

The Sexy Librarian
1 oz gin
1 oz sprite
splash of peach nectar
Kiwi slice

Serve over ice.

(I don’t actually drink, so I don’t advise trying this.)

Edit button isn’t working for me, but that should be 2 oz. gin.

The Flaccid Villain

Andre Cold duck
Fernet Branca Bitters
ice

Fill a tall glass with lots of ice, add the cheap Cold Duck like the bimbos he prefers add a shot or two of the expensive Bitters to represent his expensive tastes in his own selfish desires.
  Have it served to him by an toothless old fat tavern wench who will curse him with her visage ,ever present when ever he ponders evil intent or sexual desire!

Everyone knows the heroine avoids being raped by the villain because he can’t ever get it up, now you know why!

The Bodice Ripper
1/4 cup of sprite
1 splash of cranberry juice
1 marishino cherry

Best served *virgin* while listening to Warrant’s Cherry Pie, however if you’re wanting something a bit more risque, feel free to add 2 “jiggers” of rum and switch the tune to GnR’s “Sweet Child o’ Mine”.

Equal parts vodka and wheat grass juice.

I call it The Lawnmower.

(Okay, I didn’t make it up, but it is made up.)

Happily Ever After
Dedicated to my hubby, who makes happily ever after happen on a daily basis. :)

4 cups brewed coffee (Use Peet’s Major Dickason’s blend for maximum pun value)
Heavy cream
Honey
Shot of Kaluha

Pour into cheesy free souvenir mugs from honeymoon, grab the Sunday paper off the porch, and go back to bed. :)

Layer in a shot glass:

Kahlua
vodka
creme de menthe

It tastes like an Andes mint. It also works very well to mix one oz of each and serve over ice.

I’m one of those people who open the liquor cabinet and the fridge and start mixing- and because I am inherently lazy   they are seldom complicated.

Cherry Cheesecake
shot of vanilla vodka
cranberry juice
serve in a tall glass over ice

Chocolate Orange
Shot of Three Olives Chocolate Vodka
Orange juice
serve in a tall glass over ice
—this tastes just like those chocolate oranges you get at Christmas

went and played in the cupboard and came up with Three Brothers
Ginger Beer- spicy, fuzzy, and very social, we’ll call this one Gabe
Glenlivet- mellow, bold, and smooth, we’ll call this one Sean
Grand Manier- sweet, strong, easily overlooked but really makes a difference in the mix, we’ll call this one Daniel

get a tall glass full of ice, add one shot of Glenlivet, 1/2 shot of Grand Marnier and top off with Ginger beer- garnish with a slice of orange a a few good books

The Alpha-Male

1 cup of dark, brooding coffee
7 inch… er, ounces of Goldschlong… er, Goldschlager
1 can of whipped cream, applied liberally

i dont drin k much

just a shot of tequilla for me

Hpnotiq Gentleman

-3 oz hpnotiq liquor (for the mesmerizing something about that sexy guy that you met at the neighborhood bar—something that turns out to be sweet with a hint of something darker)
-1 oz Gentleman Jack (a hint of old fashioned chivalry and a bit of depth behind)
- 2 oz club soda (for a bit of fizz)

Mi liquors in shaker with ice.  Pour into a highball glass and top with soda.  Garnish with a cherry skewered with a stirrer (a hint of sexually charged imagery).

Dr. Herbert West’s Reanimation Serum

1 can of Vault Zero
3 or so shots of Hypnotiq

Mix together and serve over ice.  Please do not feed to the recently dead, as they will violently come back to life.