Bitchin' Blog Posts
Romance Novels in Four Words
by Candy | by Candy | October 16, 2007 | Tuesday at 2:24 pm | 63 CommentsSome people contend that the premises for most great speculative fiction can be summarized in one sentence. We here at Smart Bitches like to go a bit further than that: we maintain that the premises and plot points for the best (and worst) romance novels can be summarized in four words. Feel free to play along at home and try to guess the the novels we’re talking about, and provide a four-word précis for your own favorites in the comments.
Virgin royalty spontaneously lactates.
Unwilling wife? Use cream!
Ehxtra Hh’s? Anghsty Vhampires!
Chicken Marsala, great shoes.
Victorian miss loves ninja.
Not retarded; just deaf.
Not retarded; stroke victim.
Hedgehog saves the day.
Soon she’ll settle in.
Rape rape rape. Virgin!
Not really a whore.
Preserve virginity with 
The widow’s a VIRGIN!
Scarface finds true love.
Who is the daddy?
Evil twin = true love. (OK, so this one is sort of cheating a little with the word requirement.)
Cross-dressing captain’s crew? Buttpirates.
Conscientious objector is virgin.
Her mom: Hester Stanhope.
No memory? No problem!
Synesthetic musician seduces ingénue.
Jewboy loves shiksa aristocrat. (Alternatively: Love and bubonic plague.)
Her trauma? Scarred legs.
No condom means love.
He was a hooker.
Unbalanced highwayman in love.
She fucks fey folk.
She fucks moving things.
Filed: Fun And Games
Jennie said on 10.16.07 at 04:49 PM • [link]
Wow—I recognize some of these. Can’t tell you the title in every case, but wow—I remember reading these books.
Lover Eternal, J.R. Ward Ehxtra Hh’s? Anghsty Vhampires!
Silent Melody, Mary Balogh Not retarded; just deaf.
Flowers From the Storm: Laura Kinsale Not retarded; stroke victim.
Why is it I know the angsty books?
Lorelie said on 10.16.07 at 04:54 PM • [link]
“She fucks fey folk.” and “She fucks moving things.” Anita Blake and Merry Gentry. Er, other way around.
“Not really a whore.” Half the Regencies.
“The widow’s a VIRGIN!” The other half.
Breezy said on 10.16.07 at 05:03 PM • [link]
Chicken Marsala, great shoes: Bet Me by Jennifer Crusie.
Why was there SO MUCH chicken marsala? I’d have gotten seriously sick of it by then, but she ate it for pretty much every meal.
Anji said on 10.16.07 at 05:19 PM • [link]
Oooh, I recognize some:
Victorian miss loves ninja = Laura Kinsale’s The Shadow and The Star
Hedgehog saves the day = Laura Kinsale’s Midsummer Moon
Unwilling wife? Use cream! = Catherine Coulter’s Midsummer Magic (or The Heir?)
The widow’s a VIRGIN! = Adele Ashworth’s Duke of Sin
Am I right? Am I right?
--E said on 10.16.07 at 05:21 PM • [link]
Thank you, Anji! I am officially going to get a copy of The Shadow and the Star, because I’ve heard so much good about LK and that synopsis is great.
Also, can someone identify “He was a hooker”? Er, just curious, really.
che said on 10.16.07 at 05:35 PM • [link]
Chicken marsala. Great shoes. is Bet Me.
Not retarded. Just deaf. is Annie’s Song.
My own 4 word lines-
for Bet Me- Orgasmic over Krispy Kremes.
for the romance genre in general-
They bang. And bang.
Bonnie said on 10.16.07 at 05:35 PM • [link]
Her mom: Hester Stanhope~~~ OH, OH, OH! This one is on the tip of my tongue!!! I think I skimmed through this book.
Her trauma? Scarred legs—Again the Magic by Lisa Kleypas
He was a hooker—Safe Harbor by Nora Roberts
Scarface finds true love—Raven Prince by Elizabeth Hoyt
Darlene Marshall said on 10.16.07 at 05:36 PM • [link]
Cross-dressing captain’s crew? Buttpirates. Pirate’s Price, of course.
Other winners:
Unbalanced highwayman in love=Prince of Midnight.
She fucks fey folk = Every Merry Gentry novel.
She fucks moving things=The more recent Anita Blake books.
Hedgehog saves the day=Midsummer Moon.
Victorian miss loves ninja=The Shadow and the Star.
Her mom: Hester Stanhope=The Dream Hunter.
Julie said on 10.16.07 at 05:38 PM • [link]
Ha, I love those Kinsales in a row! “Not retarded; stroke victim”! Flowers from the Storm.
McMonkey said on 10.16.07 at 05:58 PM • [link]
Perhaps: Savage what? Oooo…crap.
Kes said on 10.16.07 at 06:00 PM • [link]
“Unwilling wife? Use cream!”
Isn’t that *every* Catherine Coulter regency?
(All the ones I’ve read, anyway. It gets old fast.)
(My word—series16. Yes! At least 16 times in that series, hero had to Use the Cream.)
Kalen Hughes said on 10.16.07 at 06:08 PM • [link]
He was a hooker could also be a couple of Robin Schone’s books, couldn’t it? I’m thinking of THE LOVER and and GABRIEL’S WOMAN. Weren’t both those heroes former boy toys?
Therese said on 10.16.07 at 06:11 PM • [link]
Scarface finds true love: Beast by Judith Ivory?
Mel-O-Drama said on 10.16.07 at 06:13 PM • [link]
How about:
Earth, Wind, Fire and Foe? Nora Roberts, the Sisters Trilogy. *grin*
EliGil said on 10.16.07 at 06:13 PM • [link]
Thank you. The Robin Schone were going to drive me nuts all day. All I could remember was Gabriel’s name and some of the odder details of that story line.
Stephanie said on 10.16.07 at 06:16 PM • [link]
How about “Loves vampire, loses personality”?
or “Youthful bet was cover”, “Kidnapping to save orphanage”, and “PTSD, roses: not traitor.”
And more: “Mortal fear of bees.”
“Easily duped by veil.”
“Must solve murder first.” (That goes for like half the Cynster series.)
And, haha: “PTSD victims need threesomes.”
lisabea said on 10.16.07 at 06:16 PM • [link]
Rat catcher? No problem. (The Proposition)
One balled leather man. (Obvious)
Am retarded; still hot. (Simple Jess)
Anji said on 10.16.07 at 06:18 PM • [link]
Hmm, couldn’t you say that
Rape rape rape. Virgin! is Kathleen Woodiwiss’s The Flame and The Flower?
Jewboy loves shiksa aristocrat. (Alternatively: Love and bubonic plague.) = Barbara Samuel’s Bed of Spices
emdee said on 10.16.07 at 06:19 PM • [link]
Mortal fear of bees - Mine Til Midnight by Lisa Kleypas
Anji said on 10.16.07 at 06:28 PM • [link]
Or the mortal fear of bees could also Julia Quinn’s The Viscount Who Loved Me.
“Wallflower is Gossip Queen” - Romancing Mister Bridgerton
“Romancing the Football ” - all of Susan Elizabeth Phillips Chicago Stars books
Shannon Stacey said on 10.16.07 at 06:46 PM • [link]
One balled leather man. (Obvious)
Obvhious, even?
Candy said on 10.16.07 at 06:52 PM • [link]
Lisabea, your summary of Simple Jess made me snarfle and choke. Good jorb!
Why hasn’t anyone remarked on the “Preserve virginity with buttsecks” book yet? Because I read that one recently, and oh my god, my jaw dropped. And dropped. And dropped some more. She wasn’t even a Catholic schoolgirl!
Candy said on 10.16.07 at 06:53 PM • [link]
Also, “He was a hooker” fits either Robin Schone titles mentioned, and also Laura Leone’s Fallen from Grace (which I need to review some time soon).
jonquil said on 10.16.07 at 07:06 PM • [link]
No condom means love.
Anything by Susan Elizabeth Peters and some Suzanne Brockmans as well. :-(
Regency vampire; good hair.
shuzluva said on 10.16.07 at 07:09 PM • [link]
Candy, the “preserves virginity with buttsecks” has me stumped, but my jaw dropped when I read the summary. As for some of the others, they could describe half the titles in romancelandia, especially the following:
The widow’s a VIRGIN! - I mean, holy hell, I think I read an Emma Holly steampunk that covered that one!
Not really a whore - I love this contrivance. If you changed it around it could be “not whore, but virgin!”
No condom means love - uh, yeah. Nearly every contemporary these days they ‘forget’ due to LURVE
She fucks fey folk - also describes Fairyville
This list is hilarious. You’d better cough up the buttsecks one…I’m dying to hear it!
A lurker said on 10.16.07 at 07:31 PM • [link]
Well, since nobody has posted about this one yet . . .
Virgin royalty spontaneously lactates = Princess by Gaelen Foley
Shannon C. said on 10.16.07 at 07:54 PM • [link]
I was surprised by how many I knew. Still baffled by the preserving virginity through buttsex.
That being said, when I read “He was a hooker” the song “Copacabana” popped into my head. Clearly I need to read this book so I can attempt filk.
J-me said on 10.16.07 at 08:02 PM • [link]
isn’t ‘no condom mean love’ every modern linda howard book?
Goblin said on 10.16.07 at 08:05 PM • [link]
No memory? No problem!
Dear Sister, of the Sweet Valley High series?
Phyllis said on 10.16.07 at 08:24 PM • [link]
Hmmm…. One in “The Naked Duke” series books has a house party with everyone sneaking around boinking everyone else and there’s a nasty, scheming chick who uses the buttsecks method of retaining her virginity. One of the early scenes in the book has her sneaking naked into the Earl of whatever’s room while he’s asleep and then starting to scream so that he’ll be forced to marry her, but he jumps out the window (also starkers).
Can’t remember who wrote it because I only barely made it through that book and abandoned the series…
Theresa said on 10.16.07 at 08:49 PM • [link]
Yep, some of these could definitely be more than one book.
“Not retarded; just deaf” could also be Annie’s Song by Catherine Anderson
“Scarface finds true love.” could also be Ravished by Amanda Quick. And I feel like there are a few other titles lurking somewhere in my subconscious.
“The widow’s a VIRGIN!” could also be The Ideal Bride by Stephanie Laurens, or Mistress by Amanda Quick, or ....
How about: “Original miss, discombobulates rake”
Oh let me count the titles…
bungluna said on 10.16.07 at 09:10 PM • [link]
I thought the “Rape rape rape, virgin” one referred to “The Wolf and the Dove” by Woodiwiss.
Arethusa said on 10.16.07 at 09:27 PM • [link]
J-me, I figured it was all of Linda Howard books? I’m a bit surprised that someone else mentioned that this is a common feature in most contemporaries. Lori Foster does not fall prey to such overused tactics. Neither does Emma Holly. (I want to say Shannon McKenna too, but I suspect that I’m wrong.)
I used to be so frustrated with the Susan Johnson historicals in which legendary male lovers assured their companions that they’ve got the “pull out” method down cold and never got their women pregnant. Puhleeease.
David said on 10.16.07 at 10:12 PM • [link]
Re: pulling out. Well, of course he never got his lovers pregnant! No 19th century talk show hosts to pay for 19th century DNA tests means the kid ain’t his, the lying whore!
However, a few weeks back I was reading about how the Oneida Society figured something out in the 1840’s.
sula said on 10.16.07 at 10:30 PM • [link]
“Her trauma? Scarred legs.” could also be Silk and Shadows by MJP
Lara said on 10.16.07 at 11:33 PM • [link]
I swear some of these titles work for entire Authors/genres…
Unwilling wife? Use cream! = Rosehaven, Catherine Coulter
Ehxtra Hh’s? Anghsty Vhampires! = BDB series, JR Ward
Rape rape rape. Virgin! = The Wolf and the Dove, Katherine Woodiwiss
Not really a whore. = Pick any regency novel, and you’re good to go!
Preserve virginity with buttsex? = Jacob’s Faith, Lora Leigh
Scarface finds true love. = Any number of books written by Amanda Quick, Lover Awakened by JR Ward?
Evil twin = true love. = Only With Your Love, Lisa Kleypas
No memory? No problem! = A Kiss To Remember, Teresa Medeiros
Synesthetic musician seduces ingénue. = Phantom of the Opera, Gaston Leroux??
Her trauma? Scarred legs. = Again the Magic, Lisa Kleypas
No condom means love. = Any Lora Leigh contempory sans Breeds
He was a hooker. = Princess/ One Night of Sin, Gaelen Foley
She fucks fey folk. = The Immortal Highlander, Karen Marie Moning
Jewboy loves shiksa aristocrat. = no idea, but I’d love to read it!
Lara said on 10.16.07 at 11:43 PM • [link]
Also for good measure:
Owns boat; does foursomes. (Nauti Boy, Lora Leigh)
lisabea said on 10.17.07 at 12:43 AM • [link]
Candy if I can make you snarfle and choke my day is complete.
Josie said on 10.17.07 at 12:48 AM • [link]
He was a hooker could also be Dreaming of You by Kleypas if I remember correctly.
L. Francesca said on 10.17.07 at 01:29 AM • [link]
I had about twenty books in mind for the last one. o_o
L. Francesca said on 10.17.07 at 01:33 AM • [link]
Blah. Forgot: Carnally Ever After by Jackie Barbosa is one such answer to preserves virginity with buttsecks.
Though, the cucumber gets me every time.
Arethusa said on 10.17.07 at 02:29 AM • [link]
Oh, oh, scarred legs is “Again the Magic” by Kleypas.
David, you’re right, I forgot that 19th C England did not have Maury.
TracyS said on 10.17.07 at 02:40 AM • [link]
Chicken Marsala, Great Shoes=Bet Me. The reason she ate the marsala all the time is b/c of her mom ordering her a smaller dress for the wedding so she couldn’t eat the carbs in pasta.
Not Retarded, Just Deaf=Annie’s Song by Catherine Anderson.
Ehxtra Hh’s? Anghsty Vhampires! J.R. Ward’s Brotherhood
Scarface finds true love=The Raven Prince by Elizabeth Hoyt
He was a hooker=I thought of two Fallen From Grace by Laura Leone and Chesapeake Blue by Nora Roberts
Not really a whore=any Diana Palmer ;)
It’s kind of scary how many of these I know!! And from reading the comments the descriptions can fit for more than one book in many cases.
Lisa said on 10.17.07 at 03:05 AM • [link]
I haven’t looked at the other responses yet, but I’m so damned eager to do so. Damn corporate firewalls.
Unwilling wife? Use cream! - Every other Catherine Coulter I’ve read.
Ehxtra Hh’s? Anghsty Vhampires! - J.R. Ward’s BDB
Chicken Marsala, great shoes. - Bet Me by Crusie
Not retarded; just deaf. - Annie’s Song by Catherine Anderson, or Silent Melody by Balogh.
Rape rape rape. Virgin! - Every other Catherine Coulter?
Not really a whore. - Every Diana Palmer
The widow’s a VIRGIN! - About 1/3rd of the regencies I read.
No memory? No problem! - Er. This could be any number of Silhouette lines.
He was a hooker. - Laura Leone, Fallen From Grace
She fucks fey folk. - Oh for pity’s sake. Merry Gentry.
She fucks moving things. - Again. For fuck’s sake. Really for fuck’s sake. Anita Blake.
Spam filter: problems93. I have 93 problems? Dang… that’s less than I thought.
Leslie Dicken said on 10.17.07 at 04:03 AM • [link]
Well, I feel like an idiot for not being able to guess a single one listed here (although I’m sure I’ve read most of them). However, I did have fun coming up with four words descriptors for my own stories! LOL!
lurker said on 10.17.07 at 04:54 AM • [link]
Isn’t scarred legs also from “Awaken, My Love”?
Diane said on 10.17.07 at 04:06 PM • [link]
“Preserve Virginity with Buttsecks” is Lora Leigh’s
SACRIFICE (Book 5 of Bound Hearts series)
The heroine was forced by her father to have her virginity confirmed by a doctor annually…so she had buttsecks with anyone with a penis.
Cat Marsters said on 10.17.07 at 05:05 PM • [link]
Okay, so I got the ehxhtrha H’s and the chicken marsala, but that was it. Apart from the ones that seemed to describe so many books I couldn’t possibly pick one (mostly the rape/babyfather/virgin ones!).
Although I really want to know about the hedgehog…
Here’s a couple more:
Happy Crook Marries Mayor
Loved Through Past Lives (okay, I admit that’s a bit generic; could also be Past Life Suicide Pact)
Sex Slave In Book
I’m A Fuckwit Magnet
Like Whoa, I’m Royal?
Actually I’m A Ghost
And now I’m gonna go and do these for my own books…
Christina said on 10.17.07 at 05:46 PM • [link]
Happy crook marries mayor—Welcome to Temptation by Jennifer Crusie
Loved Through Past Lives—Remembrance by Jude Deveraux
Joanna S. said on 10.17.07 at 09:04 PM • [link]
“I’m A Fuckwit Magnet” - BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
*Wipes eyes*
Srsly. That one is hilarious, and I would buy that book based on the title alone…
And as for the rest:
“Soon She’ll Settle In” = The Bride (Julie Garwood)...it’s the phrase the hero & heroine keep using throughout.
And, really, don’t both Merry Gentry AND Anita Blake fuck anything moving? If it can be nailed down, then by GAWD those women will nail it!
Cat Marsters said on 10.17.07 at 09:49 PM • [link]
Christina—yep!
Joanna—I have a sudden yen to write a book called that now…
Joanna S. said on 10.17.07 at 10:16 PM • [link]
Please, Cat! Puh-leeeease. *does peepee dance* If you did, I would love you like whooodamn.
I’d even make it required reading in my classes on women and literature…somehow, it just seems right.
Jennifer said on 10.17.07 at 10:42 PM • [link]
* Conspiracy theorist is right. (this is a chick lit series, if that’s any help to ya).
* Eggs rotting = sperm banditry!
* Work = fun? Who knew?!
* The spy’s a girl.
* Is Electric Girl crazy?
* Singles guru “gets” man.
* He’s “dumb”, she’s smart.
* (Three words!) Everybody Loves Fred
* Pretty girl goes plain.
* Virgin has illegitimate baby. (Not Mary.)
* Everyone chases rare bird.
* Date him, marry elsewhere.
* Gods, mortals swap mates.
* Princess steals Mom’s necklace.
Jackie Barbosa said on 10.18.07 at 12:16 AM • [link]
Jackie happy dances because her book got mentioned in a Smart Bitches comment and she didn’t even have to do it herself.
/exit stage left to pop champagne bottle
Cat Marsters said on 10.18.07 at 12:21 AM • [link]
I dunno, Jen, but ‘Conspiracy theorist is right’ and ‘The spy’s a girl’ sound like books I’ve written. I gave them four-word names too.
And while I’m A Fuckwit Magnet probably wouldn’t get on shelves with that title, it did okay as Bridget Jones’s Diary.
Oh…and Everybody Loves Fred is Anyone But You by Crusie.
How about (looking at my shelves again)
Polo Players Are Horny
Being A Vampire Sucks
Psychic Waitress In Hicksville
Mind Fuck, My Love?
Okay, okay…I’ll stop now. Maybe. Must Go To Bed.
Darlene Marshall said on 10.18.07 at 12:52 AM • [link]
Oh, I think I know some of these:
* Singles guru “gets” man = Match Me If You Can(?)
* He’s “dumb”, she’s smart = Nobody’s Baby But Mine
And from Cat…
Psychic Waitress in Hicksville = Sookie Stackhouse novels.
Blue Tyson said on 10.18.07 at 03:52 AM • [link]
Assassins make it better.
Obsidian Butterfly, Laurell K. Hamilton.
Heidi said on 10.18.07 at 03:57 AM • [link]
*She’s a cripple Mom*
*loses weight, gains trainer*
*high school lover revisited*
*fly my purple hovercraft*
perhaps not as funny as the buttsecks, but maybe tantalizing nonetheless ;)
Electric Landlady said on 10.18.07 at 11:21 PM • [link]
No condom means love = every single Harlequin Temptation I ever read in the late 80s/early 90s. Srsly.
And Polo Players Are Horny = Polo by Jilly Cooper. Replace “polo players” with occupation of your choice for her other books.
Susan/DC said on 10.19.07 at 12:41 AM • [link]
He’s “dumb”, she’s smart also describes Mr. Impossible by Loretta Chase.
LadyRhian said on 10.19.07 at 07:27 AM • [link]
Gods, mortals swap mates. - Goddess of Love by P.C. Cast
Nemiroff said on 11.06.07 at 07:29 AM • [link]
Tricor | Avapro | Glyburide | Hyzaar | Relafen | Help! Save Three Babies: HIGH PROFILE CRIMINAL CASE. THREE BABIES LOOSE THEIR MOTHERS.
Mel-O-Drama said on 11.06.07 at 07:38 AM • [link]
You got spammed. LOL
seriously spammed.
And why is it that spammed isn’t recognized by microsoft as a legitimate word yet?
Care to comment?
Comments are now closed for this post.
Subscribe to These Comments