Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

[Not part of the pitch: Here’s what the generator gave me: Slave to Sensation with line-dancing zombies!]

When Lucas, changeling turned zombie, starts line-dancing, nothing can stop Sascha from giving him her heart… and her brains.

Not part of it, but I like the ad that popped up beside this saying “Jane Eyre meets the Mummy”

(the generator gave me: “Claiming the Courtesan with outlaw ninjas”! Okay, here’s my attempt, LOL)

When courtesan Soraya is kidnapped by the Duke of Kylemore, outlaw ninjas help her battle her way out of his bed—and into his heart.

Catain Kidd and Vampires gave me

Mr. Impossible with Fussy Pirates!!

Homophobic Superhero trapped on a ship with gay pirates?

Stephan, the Lord of the Fading Lands, calls upon fashion goddess Sophia to help him keep the shoddily-dressed werewolves from taking over the land!

The generator gave me ‘Dreaming of You’ with retrocognitive puppies!

I got nothing… what are retrocognitive anythings?  :)

I never realized how short 25 little words were before.  I think I got the best title for a normal romance though - a Beyond Heaving Bosoms sequel, perhaps? 

I got: Sex, Straight Up with Luuuuurve™!

She always knew her first time would be special, different…but she didn’t know that it would be like this.  Now with twice the Luuuuurve™ action!

[Montana Sky with pudding-obsessed unicorns!]

Mary Rose thought she’d be able to manage anything that happened on her unicorn ranch—until Lord Harrison, heir to a pudding fortune, came to town.

Thunder and Roses
coupon-clipping djinni!

With the scent of roses hanging heavily in the air and thunder rumbling in the distance, Anna took a chance and popped the bottle’s cork. In a swirl of mist, he appeared before her, ready to grant her every wish—so long as he had a coupon for it.

A man who was cheap and easy—her dream come true.

Shoot, I over shot it. Hmmm Let me retry that. Sorry, I overlooked the word limit.

*****

Thunder and Roses coupon-clipping djinni!

He was cheap. He was easy. And he granted wishes so long as he possessed a coupon.

*****
Security word: thinking99, yep, I was definitely thinking closer to 99 than I was 25. *sigh* It’s way too early for this thinking stuff. lol

Virgin and Vampire gave me:  His Lordship’s Mistress agoraphobic mermaids!

I got nothing for a screenplay…but the title is AWESOME!

Mr. Impossible with Massage Therapist Poltergeists!!

When Daphne springs Rupert from jail to rescue her brother, she thinks he luuurves her - but his constant moans of pleasure aren’t due to her charms.

[I got The Spanish Prince’s Virgin Bride with flesh eating were-slugs!]

Juan found out why she was a virgin on their wedding night, when simple the moon was full and the sex got painfully strange…

XD Oh, that could lead to some very, very, very wrong scenes.

Oops, typo there, I meant:

Juan found out why she was a virgin on their wedding night, when the moon was full and the sex got painfully strange…

kiss of a demon king with fussy pirate from howl and wolf

The King was sent to a boat with a captain and crew of women who decided to keep him as their sex slave.

Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland with Zombies gave me Mistress with Were-slugs.

I think Alice + Zombies could really be great.  “Off with her head” takes on all new meaning.  Zombies are slow, so they could be caught and used as mallets for playing croquet with the Queen.  And since the whole thing lends itself to the sense that you’re on an acid trip the the life threatening undead would really blend right in.

The Grand Sophy with suspicious carbuncles!

Why did her carbuncles eye her askew?  They seemed to doubt her good intentions.

I got Something Wonderful with Massage Therapist Poltergeists

Willow, a werewolf, never gave love a thought until she sprained her back.  Can she trust her heart and pained muscles to a dead man?

The Duke and I with hormonal pixies

The duke and the debutante planned to fool society. They never dreamed they’d have to band together to save the Cornish countryside from raging pixies.

A flesh-eating were-slug invasion! The brilliant mathematician who can save us has a stroke! Can a pretty Quaker reach him in time to save humanity?

In case it isn’t obvious, that’s Flowers from the Storm with flesh-eating were-slugs.

From Romeo and Juliet and werewolves
I got Dark Lover with hyperventaling dwarves.

I don’t think I can improve on that.

my word Dead24
Yup, 24 and counting

I once twittered Regency zombies. They were at Almacks trying to dance. Another was at tea with a Lady and his eyeball fell in his cup.

However, I got Ember with party-hopping basilisks This strikes me as quite possibly better than Regency zombies. Herewith, my screenplay pitch:

Ember Feathergood sets aside her dream of a society debut to assist Lord Basil after all of London’s demon slayers mysteriously turn to stone.

I got “Paradise with carnivorous koalas”.  Sounds like pretty much every beach vacation I’ve been on…

What romantic couple wouldn’t want to spend a weekend on a white sandy beach?  Unfortunately, flesh-eating carnivorous koalas form romantic relationships, too.

Outlander with operatic ghosts -

Gabaldon meets Gilbert & Sullivan. Fun and frivolity in four-part harmony as Claire and her Scottish band frisk through the Highlands.

Delicious with spicy leprechauns!
Chef Verity Durant has her hands full when the pesky little green-clad buggers invade her kitchen garden.  Solution?  Leprechaun Biryani, spicy Irish-Indian fusion cuisine!

“Dark Lover with Were-Hamsters”

John Matthew faces the ultimate in heartbreak in his heartbreaking life when he discovers his butch girlfriend does, indeed, sprout whiskers.

“Born in fire with vertigo-afflicted merfolk!”

Will sparks fly or fizzle as a phoenix and a merman investigate a school of merfolk with a case of inexplicable vertigo?

I tried Charles Dickens with vampires and got Talk Me Down with vertigo-afflicted merfolk(not quite what I was expecting).

There seems to be more of an interest in Dickens these days,so I do think the vampire angle would be fun-why else would Miss Havisham locked herself away in that house for all of those years,hmm? Not to mention Estella’s powerful hold on Pip,plus Magwitch could be a vampire hunter who wishes to repay him for hiding him out from a group of bloodsuckers that wiped out his whole Van Helsing crew and went after him(they did meet in a graveyard,remember!)

ETERNAL EXPECTATIONS-some secret desires must be paid for with blood!

” It Had To Be You” With Hostile Dragons

Phoebe and Dan’s love is tested during the off season game against the women of The View .  Sponsered by Climara.

(The generator gave me The Grand Sophy with merry vampires)

Charles Rivenhall will tolerate his cousin Sophy, but her friends from the Continent are a step too far! (Especially when they begin biting the ton!)

The Serpent Prince with Irritable Six-legged antelopes

Simon Iddesleigh must avenge the death of his brother in a series of duels with the six-legged antelopes who killed him. But not before making sweet, sweet love to his darling Lucy—while the surprisingly irritable six legged antelopes look on.

Wait, what about A Rose in Winter by Woodiwiss, with alien zombie ninja robots?  That’s really the only thing I can think of that would be better than A Rose in Winter without alien zombie ninja robots…I mean, secret identities, loving two men - or not, never earning the love of a father who is crappy anyway and *****spoiler***** not your daddy anyway…for what more could one ask?  Other than alien zombie ninja robots.

Wrath thought Beth was half-human, but she was more.
Killing Lessers was easier than spinning in the excercise wheel of love with a werehamphster.

I pulled Dark Lover with werehamsters.

It was hard to keep from adding more H’s to make it a ‘wherehamphster’.

wanted47 yep I wanted at least 47 more words to flesh this out!

Well, I tried “Barbara Cartland with zombies” because I so totally would read that, but got…

The Serpent Prince with Saks-addicted hags

Okay….

Beauty and the Beast with a gender-bending twist:  Lord Simon must choose between seeking vengeance and the perfect handbag alongside a strangely alluring crone concealing dark needs…

Dreaming of You with Vexed Alchemists

Derek Craven has a secret. Along with the spectacles of a certain prim authoress who has captured his heart, he also hides within his coat pocket the formula for turning ordinary historical romance novels into solid gold—vexing the penniless publishe…er, alchemists who will stop at nothing to learn the truth.

been35—Hey! I AM 35!

Wild at Heart with retrocognitive puppies!

Adventure, anthropology, and romance! Syndney knows her puppies have extrasensory abilities. Could the wild man raised by wolves be the key to communication with them?

Pride and Prejudice with frisky selkies!

Will Darcy overcome his pride and Lizzie her prejudice? And will they both be able to resist the flirtatious, fortune-hunting seal-people from Scotland?

Mr. Impossible with werehamsters!

Rupert was sure he could handle anything that came across Daphne’s path, but he’d never seen anything like this: marauding werehamsters out for blood and broccoli!

And yes, that last one has 26 words. Word limit hard!

Aaaand, my security word is were95—95 werehamsters!! RUN!!

Willow, a werewolf, never gave love a thought until she sprained her back.  Can she trust her heart and pained muscles to a dead man?

Heehee! Crystal, this gets a vote from me.

It Had To Be You + Amorous Bigfoot

Doesn’t that already describe a lot of the linebackers?

Bet Me with carnivorous koalas:

Min and Cal fell in love over food, but will becoming food tear them apart?

The Vampire Queen’s servant with accountant yetis!

Saving the Undead World, one balance sheet at a time!

Spamalot: actually99.  No dangit, I just spent too much time in the sun.  I’m only 41.

Dark Lover with Space Traveling Elves

Beth’s “needing” attracts more than just Wrath’s mhassive mhan sauhsage. Will the BDB survive horny crotch sized enemies with pointy ears?

I had to do one more, this is fun. lol

The Duke and I with Obstinant Loch Ness Monsters

A heroine who has been studying the elusive Loch Ness Monster joins a rakish Duke in the search for his family’s treasure guarded by the monsters.

Paradise with shoe-shopping Baba Yaga!

The villagers thought she wanted their children for a tasty meal.
What she really longed for was a pair of Manolos to match her babushka…

Pride and Prejudice with talking mongeese

Darcy forms a circus act with a group of talking mongeese to gain Elizabeth Bennet’s attention. Will his talented little beasts win her heart?

Paradise
Pole dancing goblins

When he first saw the goblin’s four heaving bosoms glistening in the strip club’s spotlight, Matt knew that he had found… Pole Dancing Paradise

The Hunger Games with accountant Yetis

The wild beasts desired a “balanced” diet of willing virgins but alas there were none to be found..

Wait, “Pride and PREDATOR?”  They mean, like, Yautja, right?  Because if so, this is going to be a combination of two of my favorite things.

Mistress with line-dancing zombies

She came to London to stop a blackmailer, and she had the perfect plan:  pose as the mistress of the mysterious, the infamous, the presumed deceased Earl of Masters.  But what is Iphiginia Bright to do when Marcus St. Cloud returns… and wants her brains?

Maybe she could live with that.  He’s an Earl, and he’s hot.  But his obsession with the Texas Two-Step is one step too far.

Pride and Prejudice with epicurious pygmies

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a tribe of pygmies in possession of refined tastes, must be in want of true culinary Nirvana.  They believe they have found it in Elizabeth Bennet’s excellent boiled potatoes.  Little do they know the Bennets are perfectly able to keep a cook… and Elizabeth realizes when they find out, her kidnappers will put her on the menu!

Mr. Impossible with tap-dancing Chupacabras

Rupert Carsington could take most anything in stride, although when Daphne found those vampiric reptiles in one of her blasted pyramids even he was nonplussed.  Just for a second.  Then he realized their potential.  Can he convince his beloved the Chupacabras deserve to live out their dreams of the music hall stage?  Or will she beat him over the head with her Coptic Lexicon until he’s forced to relent?

rebyj‘s “mhassive mhan sauhsage” made me laugh. And KimberlyD is the queen of the word limit—clever!

[I got The Spanish Prince’s Virgin Bride with flesh eating were-slugs!]

Kelli, I think that movie was already done in Slither :) It had Cap’n Tightpants if you haven’t seen it yet.

I adjusted mine slightly (revisions!) to War & Peace with Dominican were-ducks:
Against a backdrop of avian amour and ponderous prose, a weary winged migrant dodges threatening flak to rendezvous with his secretive insurance agent, Miss Fudd.

...Oh, good grief.  I was so amused by the idea of movie blurbs I somehow missed the word limit entirely. :P Neeever mind!  Nothing to see here.  *Shuffles off in embarrassment.*

Lord of Scoundrels meets Buffy, the Vampire Slayer.

To save her brother, Jessica Trent will fight the devil. She never expected to like him. Love is hell just got a whole new meaning.

Persuasion with tentacled elder gods!

The Great Old Ones separated Anne Elliot from Frederick Wentworth once.  Now, years later, can they defy eldritch horrors and rekindle true love?

Kiss of a Demon King with pole-dancing goblins

Cherry took any dancing gig she could get to pay her way through Law School, but the Demon King’s pole was not what she expected.

Kaishai thanks for the heads up. Does not follow directions was on many of my report cards;(

The Serpent Prince and Six-Legged Antelopes

Iddesleigh avenges his brother’s death, dueling with the six-legged antelopes who killed him. Afterwards, making love to Lucy, bespeckled with antelope-bits, he roars his release.

Dreaming of You with Vexed Alchemists

Along with the Sara’s spectacles, Derek hides within his coat the secret for turning mediocre drama into publishing gold. Vexed alchemists revolt.

Program 64, I need to get with the program 64 times!

the Demon King’s pole was not what she expected.

Pure win.

I got “Born in Fire with Soulful Ogres”

Not just a concert, not just a band, but an intruduction to
hell and eternal suffering…

Sam

I had no idea The Hunger Games was a romance.

The Duke and I with Hyperventalating Dwarves

Lola fell for Jo N. Wayne, aka Duke, a hot, slow-talking zombie. But between lusty non-breathing dwarves and shot-riddled madmen, what’s a girl to do?

had no idea The Hunger Games was a romance.

Me either..lol

Slow Heat in Heaven

The world is going to explode. Can Darin Truth and Cari Onloving, yeti accountants, fight off desire’s flames while destroying the Evil Global Warming Kiwi ?

(now with that announcer’s voice) This Summer. One Man. One Woman. One giant exploding Kiwi. Passion warming her globes, hot man-fur covering his secret fears. It’s Slow Heat In Heaven.

Lord of the Fading Lands with Patriotic Jersey Devils

They thought they were fighting the ultimate evil, but the powers of Azrahn are nothing compared to the Patriotic NEW Jersey Devils. Fey magic and firearms collide this summer. This is the mafia like you’ve never seen it before.

A Michael Bay Film

(god help us all)

The Great Old Ones separated Anne Elliot from Frederick Wentworth once.  Now, years later, can they defy eldritch horrors and rekindle true love?

I would read this. I would pay money for a movie ticket, too.

I can just see Wentworth fighting off a tentacled sea-god from the deck of his ship!

Lord of the Fading Lands with Patriotic Jersey Devils

Azrahn is nothing compared to the Patriotic NEW Jersey Devils. It’s the mafia vs. magic and you’ll be blown away.

A Michael Bay Film

(god help us all)

(The word count is better in this one)

Knight in Shining Armor with Accountant-Loving Aliens

Could a knight with a passion for numbers find passion with the lady with green hair?  Will chartered accountancy or her extra-terrestrial cousins save her from the stake?

[Thief with albino somehow gave me this. . .]

My Lady Notorious with Saks-addicted hags!

Notorious thought she’d seen everything. . .until she stumbled across a underground corporation of shopping hags. Now she must save Saks before the hags destroy it.

Feel89. . .some mornings I feel like I’m 89

Whoops missed the limit.  Let me try again.

Knight in Shining Armor with Accountant-Loving Aliens

Could a knight’s passion for numbers equal his passion for the lady with green hair?

The Bride with tentacled elder gods!

Lady Chastity Penniless gets more suction than she bargained for when Peter, King of the Giant Tentacle Gods, takes her as his sex slave!

The generator gave me:

“Slow Heat in Heaven with pole-dancing goblins!”

It was a match made in slow burning hell when not-so-shy Miss Heaven caught a glimpse of the thick-poled goblin dance group going full monty. (A book not for the faint of heart)

The Shadow and the Star with pimp-handed gargoyles

She’s a working girl who is trying to break through writing while her Johns sleep.  The gargoyles keep asking for their money.  What’s a hooker to do?

One more…

If His Kiss is Wicked with flesh eating were-slugs!

If his kiss is wicked, then his flesh eating were-slugs are heaven, and he had only one question for her—Dine in or carry out?

If you click again with the title it gives you, you get something even funnier.  I started with men and women, and ended with

My Lady Notorious with Boiled Witches

Notorious Lady M. was known to all in the kingdom as the bane of witches.  Until she fell for a young warlock, who ended her witch boiling ways.

I got “Bet Me” with party-hopping basilisks

um…

Chicken Marsala and Cal, Min are the least of her worries.  But she never counted on the huge snakes that want in on their fun!

The Serpent Prince with were-hamsters:

Can reptilian nobility find True Love with a hot-blooded commoner or will she only be yet another pleasingly plump, slightly twitchy (yet

tasty

) plaything for this cold-blooded prince?

The local avian wildlife complaining about suds in the fountain saved a twentieth century girl from the embarrassment of baring all to a medieval court:

- Knight in Shining Armour with telepathic swans

[woman21 - well, yes and no.]

Hmm, “Paradise with virgin angels”... That’s just too damn obvious, but I’ll try to take my mind out of the gutter:

Shipwrecked on a lonely planet, Lieutenant Dianne Michaels discovers a new alien race. The peaceful inhabitants of Seraphim are not as innocent as they seem.

For the Roses with Trampy Vampires

Mary Rose returns to save her brothers from vicious vixens of the night, and finds these hellish ‘hos sure do suck!

let me try that again.  things got a little jumbled up in my head.

Chicken Marsala and Cal are the least of Min’s worries.  But she never counted on the huge snakes that want in on their fun!

Lord of Scoundrels with telepathic swans!

To break a death curse Lord Dain must eat a fabled swan who to his horror turns into a telepathic beauty every full moon.

rebyj you’re right it is too fun to just do one!

The Grand Sophy with hostile dragons:

She’s taking the ton by storm… firestorm, but can handling hostile dragons compete with Cousin Charles? Leave it to Sophy to control the fire

Okay, I counted and I’m a few words over the limit, so I’m trying again.

The Serpent Prince with were-hamsters:

Would he still love this hot-blooded, hirsute woman after he discovered her secret, or would she just be another tasty morsel for the cold-blooded prince?

Mistress with Studly Brownies?  I’m all for brownies in pretty much any form, but what are studly brownies?  Brownies in the shape of man-titty?  Brownies with extra protein ?  Oh, wait, is this brownies as in sprites who do housework?  ‘Cuz I could get behind studly housekeepers, too, especially if they made chocolately cookie bars.

heh, heh, I said “get behind”.

Outlander with Hormonal Pixies

If time-traveling and falling for a Scottish insurgent weren’t enough, now Claire faces pixies with PMS.  Do they have chocolate in 1740’s Scotland?

time-traveling is just one word since it is hyphenated, right?  Right?

men43 - my man is 43, so that’s pretty perfect!

Bitten and Were-ducks,  Perfect!

My Pitch:  The humanoid ducks from the old cartoon, The Mighty Ducks get “bitten” by Howard the Duck and turn into humans every Hockey Season.  Then they get bitten by Donald Duck, and start lisping and are angry all the time.  Then they eventually get bitten by Scrooge McDuck and become Golden Eggs, which is great for Scrooge.  Yay Go Ducks.

(I got Dream Man with carnivorous koalas)

Marlie’s psychic visions lead skeptical Dane to the zoo, where the gore-soaked truth of the marsupial underworld. Together they must face ultimate, furry evil.

N

Wuthering Heights with Vampires—Like Twilight, with better characters, plot, and costumes. Heathcliff and Catherine still die, but get a more satisfying corporeal afterlife.

Cotillion with coupon-clipping djinni!

Can Kitty find true love, or will she be forced to settle on one of the buffoons her mystical Uncle Matthew can get for 30% off?

The Spanish Prince’s Virgin Bride with hyperventilating dwarves!

Prince Julio Raphael’s dwarf jesters felt their breath (breaths?) quicken when they first caught sight of the stunning Lady Mary Maria… and so did he.

Loved Courtney’s and kalafudra’s!!!

A unicorn eating pudding is totally hilarious for some reason, lol!

Mr. Impossible with massage-therapist poltergeists.

I think this one speaks for itself.

I got “His Lordship’s Mistress” and “merry vampires.”

In honor of my roommate printing Twilight trivia for us last night:

“Melissa Rathbone, mistress to His Lordship Philip Exeter, thought she’d content forever. But that changed when the troupe of beautiful, pale-faced actors came to town…  “

“Dream Man with Shoe Shopping Baba Yagas”

A child devoring hag is cursed to never find Manolo Blahniks on sale.  Will the shoe salesman of her dreams break this curse before she devors another trendy 5th Ave child in her soleless quest for perfect pumps?

Trying to salvage my earlier entries:

Mistress with line-dancing zombies

Iphiginia Bright had the perfect plan.  But what is she to do when the Earl of Masters, presumed dead, returns… and wants her brains?

Pride and Prejudice with epicurious pygmies

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a tribe of pygmies in possession of refined tastes, must be in want of true culinary Nirvana. 

Mr. Impossible with tap-dancing Chupacabras

Rupert took most things in stride, but when Daphne discovered vampiric reptiles tap-dancing in one of her blasted pyramids he found himself momentarily nonplussed.

I plugged in “Adam’s Rib with Irish succubi” and got “The Grand Sophy with phantom kangaroos”; in this instance, I like mine better.  Therefore:

Eve’s Pelvis
Devil’s advocate—and consort—Amelia Azrael challenges Hell itself when a seductress from the auld sod rebels against her sultry nature for true love’s sake.