Bitchin' Blog Posts
Romance: Building The Perfect Hero
by SB Sarah | by SB Sarah | October 06, 2011 | Thursday at 10:08 am | 72 CommentsAh, romance covers. They say so much with so little. It occurred to me recently that the perfect romance hero has pretty much been assembled through the artistic renderings of the romance cover.
Don’t think so? Have a look.
The perfect romance hero must:
Have excellent dental work
Really. We expect the finest in dentistry. (He should wipe his chin, though.)
And of course, man-titty with extraordinary buoyancy in a maritime emergency:
and crazy mountainous abs:
And in addition to a mullet (duh), the hero needs…a really big sword
No, bigger than that.
That ought to do it.
And not too much gas, please.
No, really, that’s too much, thanks.
But honestly, what we really want in a hero is also a partner. A partner who, if we desire to procreate together, must love children. No, REALLY love children. Shirtlessly.
Says Samantha, who sent me a scan of the original cover, “I think the baby either has bad gas or wants to get the hell out of there.”
Says I: “That man is asking to get barfed on.”
And, finally, we expect men to be equal partners in the parenting, right? So if he’s going to love babies shirtlessly, the least he can do is try breastfeeding, too.
LATCH ON! LATCH ON, DAMMIT!
Filed: Covers Gone Wild! (Non-Snoop Dogg Edition), General Bitching
Tagged: wtfery, make the burning stop, cover snark, cover comparisons
Miss Footloose | Life in the Expat Lane said on 10.06.11 at 10:26 AM • [link]
Oh, god, book covers! Writing as Karen van der Zee I’ve written some 30 plus romance novels for Harlequin Books, mostly Harlequin Presents, and my covers (and titles) were often a cause of great despair, but so it goes. Once my teenage daughter looked at one of the covers and said, “The guy has more boobs than the girl.”
Love your post and thanks for the laugh!
Beebs said on 10.06.11 at 10:42 AM • [link]
BWAHAHAHA!
LATCH ON! LATCH ON DAMMIT!
Cracking up, seriously. LOL
Michelle R. said on 10.06.11 at 11:12 AM • [link]
Miss Footloose,
I don’t read the Harlequin lines too much any longer, but I recall you well from my teen years. I’d tell you how old I am now, but it just might depress both of us. :)
expect84—er, that’s around the right year and decade.
ocelott said on 10.06.11 at 12:34 PM • [link]
Are… are both those babies naked? WHY ARE BOTH THOSE BABIES NAKED?
Flo said on 10.06.11 at 01:14 PM • [link]
Latch on ... omfg… I started howling and the poor girls I’m watching this morning got soooooo confused.
There were somedays… where I DREAMED that I could just rip the boobs off and hand them to the husband…
Anony Miss said on 10.06.11 at 01:17 PM • [link]
THANK YOU SARAH!! Covers Gone Wild are what brought me to this site in the first place, and my cheeks hurt from open mouthed hysterical laughing.
Oh, the humanity!
Miss Footloose | Life in the Expat Lane said on 10.06.11 at 02:00 PM • [link]
Michelle R: You’re too young to not be reading romance novels any longer ;) but if you want to read something different, read the tales of my adventures abroad on my blog.
MelB said on 10.06.11 at 02:01 PM • [link]
ROTFLMFAO!!! These are awesome and the perfect way to start the morning.
snarkhunter said on 10.06.11 at 02:14 PM • [link]
Dudes are just asking to get peed on. That’s all I’m saying.
Also, is the Last Man in Montana weeping as he holds that baby? Is he the last man because he and the baby are the only survivors of a Montanan zombie outbreak? Was everyone but him and the kid Raptured, and he’s crying because he was Left Behind(tm) for the Tribulation?
So many questions.
Alley said on 10.06.11 at 02:14 PM • [link]
1. I swear I read “Water Bound” as “Water Board” and I was horrified, yet intrigued.
2. I’m pretty much dying over here at that close up of “The Last Man in Montana.” The hero looks like he’s singing some doofy, off-key song to the baby, the baby looks like he/she has about three seconds of patience left with this goofball, and the giant boot in the corner looks like it’s about to end the baby’s suffering.
Marilyn said on 10.06.11 at 02:18 PM • [link]
I was rolling by the time I read the last line in the post! LOVE the drool-worthy bookcovers and your hilarious writing.
M
JoAnne Kenrick said on 10.06.11 at 02:20 PM • [link]
LMAO not too much gas….oh gee, my sides are hurting after that.
But The Goblin King *sigh* is one of my favorite recent covers out there—he totally reminds me of Dean Winchester! HELLO.
Darlene Marshall said on 10.06.11 at 02:28 PM • [link]
“LATCH ON!” Damn, that made me laugh, and brought back memories of snarling at my sleeping husband in the middle of the night because there was that one thing I could do for the kid that he couldn’t. Thanks for giving us a special covers edition once again.
I would have traded Ramon the Cabana Boy (oops, sorry, different fantasy) for Hunk who Can Nurse the Baby.
Ashlyn Macnamara said on 10.06.11 at 02:58 PM • [link]
Someone has said it upthread but it bears repeating. Are those babies naked? Because that is just asking for trouble. I think barf is the least of 1990s Montana Man’s worries.
CC Bridges said on 10.06.11 at 03:10 PM • [link]
Anyone else think the guy on the cover of The Goblin King looks a lot like the actor Jensen Ackles?
Kristin said on 10.06.11 at 03:36 PM • [link]
Any post that can have me laughing out loud is a good one. Thanks for the good start to my day.
Karmyn said on 10.06.11 at 03:43 PM • [link]
Yes, the Goblin King looks a lot like Jensen Ackles. I’m guessing that’s not the sword of Bruncvik he’s holding.
I’ve seen several covers lately that look like Jensen. I don’t mind that. Jensen is pretty.
thing43? I can think of more than 43 things I’d do to him.
Patricia Eimer said on 10.06.11 at 03:45 PM • [link]
That just made my morning. The latch on damn it had me howling.
Barbara said on 10.06.11 at 03:54 PM • [link]
Poor Kristine Rolofson must have been wondering what she did to rate two dudes with two naked babies in scary poses on her covers. I sort of want to go to Amazon and look up her other books to see what else she got stuck with.
The guy’s finger placement in the Last Man in Montana cover has me concerned and probably accounts for that poor child’s expression.
Diane Dooley said on 10.06.11 at 03:57 PM • [link]
Hee, hee, hee. I’m reminiscing about the time my teething baby did try to latch on to my hubby’s nipple. Finding it hairy and milkless, he bit the crap out of it.
MK said on 10.06.11 at 04:09 PM • [link]
I think this shows one of the reasons why ebooks have become popular. Who wants to be out in public reading a book with these covers. The quilted book covers never fooled anybody!!!
Shelisa said on 10.06.11 at 04:21 PM • [link]
OMG, what a fantastic way to start the day! Man-titty and captions to make me choke on my tea…love it!
Rachel Savage said on 10.06.11 at 04:22 PM • [link]
I don’t mind the occasional vampire, but since when did they turn into the sabertooth cat variety? Holy fricken…how has he not shredded the crap out of his own face with those things?
That cover does nothing for me but make my “are those painted on” brain cells shuffle nervously.
But why - WHY - ruin such a lovely back shot (would be better with tighter pants, but hey) with a green nebulous cloud of whatever? Dude would have worked just fine on his own. Seriously. Turn a fan on, and then hand it over when the toxic fumes have left the room. =P
Tamara Hogan said on 10.06.11 at 04:43 PM • [link]
Is it just me, or does Mr. SINFUL seem to be…extremely short-waisted and large-buttock’d? Did his internal organs, of necessity, migrate to the buttocks for space and cause his unfortunate flatulence?
Donna said on 10.06.11 at 04:50 PM • [link]
BWAAHAHAHAHAHA!! So, I just managed not to spew my
coffee doctored with the new Bailey’s Coffee Creamer across the desk. Thanks for the burning throat, Sarah. And the “Demon from the Dark” cover, always a favorite.
Why the plug? Because once this sucker is empty I’m filling the bottle with the real thing. It’s my diabolicle plan for making this outer circle of hell bearable, and I’m sharing it with you all for your use. Really, can you think of a better way to start the work day than Baileys & coffee with a little bitchery on the side? And abs, lots of abs.
RebeccaJ said on 10.06.11 at 05:31 PM • [link]
Wish I had a quarter for every time I’ve read the “came home to find the baby sound asleep on his chest…awww isn’t that sweet?” scene these days. And every time I read it, I want to scream, “And what if that baby had woken up and rolled off that chest?!!!”
Randi said on 10.06.11 at 05:34 PM • [link]
Wow, that Goblin King absolutely looks like Jensen Ackles. Nomnomnom. Any day with more Ackles is a good day.
Laura Hunsaker said on 10.06.11 at 05:46 PM • [link]
Oh my gosh!!! Even my hubs is laughing, and he has no sense of humor that I’m aware of ;)
tikaanidog said on 10.06.11 at 06:12 PM • [link]
THIS! This is why I come here! LATCH ON, DAMMIT! bwaaaahahahahahahahahaha!!
SB Sarah said on 10.06.11 at 06:15 PM • [link]
There was one time Hubby tried the bare chested baby hold, and said baby grabbed hold of his chest hair and attempted to pull it off in patches. NEVER again.
Maybe that’s why all this shirtless-baby-loving heroes are waxed!
Sam said on 10.06.11 at 06:22 PM • [link]
Ah, the fabled Sabretooth Manpire, a species cousin to the common vampire. (Of the “third cousin many times removed, we don’t talk about them or invite any over for Thanksgiving, EVER” variety, owing to their messy eating habits and near incomprehensible speech, as well as near-endless complaining over accidentally self-bitten lips.)
And geeze that first swordy cover isn’t even TRYING to be subtle!
The second sword is just a crime against weaponry. Has got to be one of the most tacky swords I’ve ever seen.
I’m too traumatized to even comment on the baby ones. So much wrong.
Samantha said on 10.06.11 at 06:52 PM • [link]
When I found The Last Man in Montana I knew that I had to share! I will have to read it just to find out if the baby ever barfs on him!
Moviemavengal said on 10.06.11 at 07:20 PM • [link]
That last Latch On cover sent me over the edge. I nearly died laughing so hard. OMG.
This is why I adore you!
delphia2000 said on 10.06.11 at 07:38 PM • [link]
Thanks the chuckles, both in the blog and in the comments! Great way to start a day!
Kwana said on 10.06.11 at 08:04 PM • [link]
Haaaa! I’m cracking up here. I know I have a goofy pic somewhere of my hubby shirtless and exhausted sleeping with our twins as babies. He looks nowhere as blissful as these chaps. This was a fun post.
EC Spurlock said on 10.06.11 at 08:18 PM • [link]
This is brilliant. Thank you for a much-needed laugh!
SharonW said on 10.06.11 at 09:21 PM • [link]
Can’t type. Laughing too hard.
These are GREAT!
infinitieh said on 10.06.11 at 09:43 PM • [link]
Hunks who breast-feed - there’s got to be sci-fi books with that one…
The model on THE GOBLIN KING (and ATLANTIS UNLEASHED) is Paul Marron. DEMON FROM THE DARK has David Kimmerle on the cover.
cleo said on 10.06.11 at 10:06 PM • [link]
I love these. Call me an art nerd, but the Water Bound cover reminds me too much of The Bride of the Wind by Oscar Kokoschka. It’s not what I’d call a happy romancelandia painting.
JamiSings said on 10.06.11 at 11:13 PM • [link]
@Ocelott - The babies are naked because the men don’t know how to change a diaper. That’s also why both men are shirtless - because naked baby peed and pooped on them.
You know, romance novel cover men just don’t appeal to me. I guess it’s because I like my men scrawny, not all muscle bound beefcake.
BrooklynShoeBabe said on 10.06.11 at 11:18 PM • [link]
OMG! SNORT! SNORT! The Last Man In Montana cover is cracking me up. lmao. The baby look so, so, so unhappy. I’m suspecting some poop too.
robinjn said on 10.06.11 at 11:34 PM • [link]
Oh. My. God.
KKJ said on 10.06.11 at 11:43 PM • [link]
On the last cover (The Baby and the Bachelor), I honest to god thought at first glance - before reading the comments - that the series title said “Pooper’s Corner.”
Last night on Goodreads I misread a self-pub author’s promo title as “Love, Lust & Fuck” instead of the obviously more alliterative “Love, Lust & Luck.”
Apparently I need to get new glasses.
EbonyMcKenna said on 10.06.11 at 11:44 PM • [link]
I am trying so hard not to snort.
just failed.
OMG, the ‘must love children, shirtlessly’. Bwahahahahahaa!!!!!
Thank you so much for the snorty, loud, unladylike laughs.
*mwah!*
DreadPirateRachel said on 10.07.11 at 12:33 AM • [link]
THIS. This is why I love SBTB. SBSarah, you just fixed my entire shitty day, in one giant post of awesome.
Deb Kinnard said on 10.07.11 at 12:46 AM • [link]
This, yes. Oh, very yes. And the guy on the cover of LAST MAN is not afraid of the baby peeing on him—IMO he’s about to eat the kid, being the last man in Montana ‘cause he’s a cannibal and already ate everyone else.
The guy in Mr. Sinful is just fat. Hey, maybe we could start a new trend! In lieu of mantitty, we could have mancellulite…
No?
sweetsiouxsie said on 10.07.11 at 02:03 AM • [link]
I am laughing out loud!!!!
security phrase…year66…I was in high school.
Rest in peace, Steve Jobs!
Susan said on 10.07.11 at 02:19 AM • [link]
Oh, Lordy! I love the covers, but the reader posts kill me, too.
I just about died over Tamara Hogan’s comments on Mr. Sinful. That shot is seriously distressing in oh so many ways. (What’s with those baggy pyjama, diaperish pants?) But the ebook cover is way more freakish that the PB cover. It’ like they took the pic and stretched it sideways. But they both have the green fumes that make you think a EPA Superfund cleanup is warranted.
(I confess that I own a couple of these books—not the nekkid baby ones—but since they’re ebooks I didn’t even know what the covers looked like. Even when/if the covers are included on ebooks, they’re basically irrelevant.)
keri said on 10.07.11 at 02:35 AM • [link]
wait wait wait wait a second
isn’t Harlequin Temptation one of the sexier lines, like Blaze? or am I misremembering?
because there’s something seriously uncomfortable to me about a book marketed for its sex scenes to have a guy with baby on the cover. i don’t want to associate sex with babies -.-
keri said on 10.07.11 at 02:37 AM • [link]
erm, regarding my last comment: i should add that i know good and well that sex can and often does lead to babies, but babies just aren’t sexy. yes? and judging from what i know of my friends with infants, they often mean less sex.
so, yeah. just doesn’t make sense to me, unless i’ve misremembered which line the Temptations is
Lostshadows said on 10.07.11 at 02:51 AM • [link]
Part of me is disappointed that the guy on the cover of The Goblin King looks more like Jensen Ackles than David Bowie.
JamiSings said on 10.07.11 at 02:53 AM • [link]
@Lost - I don’t even know who Jensen Ackles is, but yeah, that was my thought too. “That’s not Jareth! Bummer!”
darlynne said on 10.07.11 at 02:55 AM • [link]
I’m sorry, those teeth on the cover of Enemy Mine belong to a saber-toothed rabbit, not sexy in the least. But that torso on Kresley Cole’s book? Wow.
EC Spurlock said on 10.07.11 at 02:59 AM • [link]
@Lostshadows, that was exactly what I thought!!
Seriously, those cowboys are courting the Fountain of Youth (or at least that’s what we used to call it when my mom, who only had two girls, tried to diaper my sons. They got her every time.)
Jen B. said on 10.07.11 at 04:11 AM • [link]
Latch on Damn It! I can’t stop laughing and it’s annoying my family. Thanks for that inspiring line up!
SB Sarah said on 10.07.11 at 04:24 AM • [link]
LOLOL at “the Fountain of Youth!”
I have dudes, and when they were infants, we had PeePee TeePees.
They didn’t work superbly well, but early on, at the 3am feed/change, they were MAGIC.
Natalia said on 10.07.11 at 04:24 AM • [link]
Too funny!!! That was hilarious, thanks for the great laugh. (:
Denise said on 10.07.11 at 06:13 AM • [link]
As a mom who is getting a little tired of her baby’s tendency to want to nurse a million times a day——those pics made my week!
every36: My baby wants to nurse every 36 minutes :(
JamiSings said on 10.07.11 at 06:32 AM • [link]
I guess having gone through a vampire obsession in high school I’m the only one who doesn’t find the cover all that weird/funny. Lots of writers have their vampires have retractable fangs. They come out that long for feeding, the rest of the time either disappear completely (they stay in special pockets in the gums just above the actual canines) or they’d just retreat back to normal size.
While in the actual vampire mythology the vampires often did have extra-long animal like teeth. At least the European vampires did. Chinese vampires, according to the books I read, had really long finger nails and were covered in moss. Russian vampires are suppose to have sharply pointed tongues instead of fangs.
Ann Somerville said on 10.07.11 at 11:19 AM • [link]
So, Goblin King is Jensen Ackles?
Demon from the Dark has ab implants.
Mr Sinful looks like he’s wearing pajama bottoms.
And euw to the baby photos. Just euw. THere’s a line between cute and creepy and they went right over it.
redcrow said on 10.07.11 at 11:26 AM • [link]
All babies are supposed to be raptured, though. Why would this one be an exception? Is that the Antichrist’s secret baby?
Lostshadows, all of me is disappointed by exactly the same reason. (Well, maybe that’s Toby, all grown up?)
snarkhunter said on 10.07.11 at 02:20 PM • [link]
I think the baby actually is the Antichrist. I mean, what’s more appealing as a world leader than a baby? We’d just sit around cooing all day, and there’d be no wars because a baby can’t start one. Unless he’s colicky.
HellyBelly said on 10.07.11 at 02:45 PM • [link]
Love this post - the dental dude at the first has annoyed me no end while the ad ran on Dear Author, could not avoid seeing his tooth pic fangs.
DianeN said on 10.07.11 at 04:57 PM • [link]
Mr. Sinful is wearing breeches, not jammies, bitches! And they look pretty accurately drawn to me—other than the green gas, of course. In my experience it’s pretty exclusively colorless. Though no less lethal…
MeghanM said on 10.07.11 at 05:12 PM • [link]
all i ask of my cover boys is that they look just a smidge like the description in the book. so many times i get confused in my fantasies because the pics don’t match the deets in the book. Or put another way, the curtains don’t match the rug…..
Kinsey said on 10.07.11 at 10:18 PM • [link]
There was one time Hubby tried the bare chested baby hold, and said baby grabbed hold of his chest hair and attempted to pull it off in patches. NEVER again.
Maybe that’s why all this shirtless-baby-loving heroes are waxed!
That’s exactly what I was thinking. Hubs made the mistake of carrying an infant Diva around shirtless once. ONCE.
I couldn’t breast feed and he did most of the 2 am bottles. An excellent, if somewhat grumpy, daddy.
Samantha said on 10.08.11 at 05:38 AM • [link]
Does the Demon from the Dark have a cotton ball in his belly button? Clean that out, dude.
bookstorecat said on 10.08.11 at 03:55 PM • [link]
I too was distracted by the Jensenlyness of The Goblin King.
*sigh*
Susan said on 10.08.11 at 11:20 PM • [link]
As a Highlander fan, I like big swords…
SuperiorJane said on 10.11.11 at 05:07 PM • [link]
the highlander fan comment = pees self laughing…
Olivia said on 10.13.11 at 04:56 AM • [link]
@bookstorecat….I’m glad I wasn’t the only one who thought that….lmfao “Jensenlyness”
david said on 11.12.11 at 03:23 PM • [link]
the big swords look brilliant, http://www.single-ply-roofing.co
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