Bitchin' Blog Posts
Private Sessions by Tori Carrington
by SB Sarah | by SB Sarah | April 14, 2011 | Thursday at 10:33 am | 108 CommentsTitle: Private Sessions
Author: Tori Carrington
Publication Info: Harlequin 2011
ISBN: 9780373795727
Genre: Contemporary Romance
I will state upfront that I had an ulterior motive for reading this book. I read it for the anal.
Yup, you read that right. Blazing anal. Blazing the Hershey highway. Firing up the backdoor action. Hot poop chute lovin’. Avast me hearties, there be anal in this novel.
While at RT, I heard about this book from Andrew Schaeffer, who reviews the Blaze line for RT Book Reviews. You should have seen my face. I absolutely did not believe him. But no, there is anal. He even says so in his review.
I was hoping to like the story, because any time envelopes (and two-holes) are pushed, I’m curious. I’m all for boundary exploration and really, I didn’t go literary spelunking expecting to be entirely disappointed. But this is easily one of the most boring Blazes I’ve ever read. Even with the anal. Lackluster anal, can you imagine? It was somewhat mildly disturbing thing, too, because of the reason for the posterior penetration, and because of the motivation of the hero to rise up and head for the rear (I’ll give you a hint: highly aroused status crossed with abject lazy ass).
So let me back up a moment and introduce you to the couple at hand. Sometimes the openings of these reviews are the hardest thing to write, but for you, I’ll push through.
Bryna Mataxis is fighting daily for her right to be heard and listened to at her family company, where her older male cousins ignore most of her suggestions. They are all trying to save the company, and with it, the town of Earnest (Wow, do I have some town slogan ideas for the city council), which is currently suffering a 25% unemployment rate (Ouch). Bryna’s cousin was the subject of a novel of his own, I gather, because his new bride was the fiancee of the Mataxis family nemesis, and now that Bryna’s cousin has won the heart of and impregnated the nemesis’ chosen woman (like you do), there’s much tension and the stakes are higher. Of course they are.
We meet the hero in the prologue: Caleb Payne.
Ooooh, yes. What a perfect last name considering why I entered this book in the first place. Mr. Payne. He’s a womanizer, and the prologue tells of his inability to love, his desire for women only lasting as long as their ability to not ask him for emotional commitment. Yeah, he’s a winner. Cue hero, heart of stone, page 1.
Then comes the fantastic infodump of the Three Wooden Parts of this story. The whole thing is like a tower assembled precariously of pieces of plot poorly held together by the remnants of a sneeze.
Wooden Part the First: Mr. Payne is an illegitimate son of someone who, while alive, was rather rich and prominent on the east coast. Apparently this causes Payne some angst or agita or angina or something but we never see it except when the narrator tells us it’s painful and bothersome to him in a jaw-clenching kind of way.
Wooden Part the Second: Mr. Payne is approached by Bryna about some business proposal, but it’s only discussed in the most nebulous and general of terms. It isn’t even completed in the course of the novel so if you are using this book as some sort of MBA text book, go buy the next one to find out what the hell the deal was for. It was important, I know that.
Wooden Part the Third: Bryna doesn’t like her new cousin in law, the heroine from the previous novel, so there’s all sorts of scenes between her, her cousins and her cousin’s new pregnant bride with the emotional charge of balsa wood.
Bryna’s behavior for the most part does nothing to endear me to her. She’s cruel in her thoughts about The Last Book’s Heroine, for example:
…so much had been riding on that deal with Philippidis. To just throw it all away because of a woman was unthinkable to her.
She frowned. If only Elena would have kept her legs closed and her hand on her ex-groom’s arm, right now the first production line would be running and the second would be under construction, employing at least two hundred of the town’s hurting residents.
Yes, for the good of Earnest, Bryna thinks her new cousin is a raging slutbag whose whoreful behavior screwed over the business deal. And of course Bryna’s burning interest in Mr. Payne is totally acceptable:
…the difference lay in that she wasn’t engaged to marry someone else so no one would be hurt if things spiraled out of control and then went south.
Oh, Bryna, if you only knew how far things would spiral out of control when the go south. Unintentional foreshadowing is unintentionally hilarious.
She’s judgmental and we spend waaaay too much time in her head learning how much of a rigid douchebag she is. Mr. Payne, for his part, is the sexiest sexist slimeball in all the world.
Bryna makes an appointment to see Mr. Payne and he reflects upon the first time he met her in the most business-like and professional of ways:
Caleb allowed himself to appreciate Bryna’s remarkable beauty. The type of looker who would be right at home sunning herself on one of Philippidis’s yachts, a white barely-there bikini playing up her physical assets, large sunglasses perched on her petite nose, her long, dark hair combed back while a formally clad waiter served her a dirty martini. He remembered thinking that she could easily challenge any of the goddesses her Greek ancestry boasted on the sexy meter….
And she looked even better now, staring up at him with a wide smile.
Although for the record he’d prefer to see her in that barely there bikini rather than in the too-stern navy-blue suit she had on.
He’s so classy. Oh, and did I mention he doesn’t think much of women?
She was a little on the young side. He was maybe a decade her senior. But if his recent experiences had taught him anything, it was that seeing women closer to his own age came with baggage he was no longer interested in carrying. Biological clocks and measuring sticks were tucked in their designer handbags, always nearby, always dictating their actions.
What. A. Prince. Bryna isn’t sure what to think of him initially:
She’d heard that Caleb Payne was not a man to fool around with. And when their paths had crossed before, she’d certainly seen firsthand that he could be darkly suggestive.
I am not sure what that even means, except that she might want to consider meeting with him along with an HR representative, but what do I know?
Bryna fantasizes about him, he undresses her with his eyes, and really, not a bit of it is hot or even interesting because they are such unabashed assholes about everything else, I didn’t like either of them. Plus, their scenes together are few and far between: unless she’s taking a ride on his disco stick, they rarely speak to one another except for the briefest of business meetings where “the deal” is discussed. Or something. They could have been talking about the phone book for all the detail I got.
And when they are doing the dance as old as wood, the descriptions are HILARIOUS:
Caleb took her in, inch by tantalizing inch.
Her beasts were small and pert, untouched by a plastic surgeon’s knife. Dark nipples puckered, as thick as the tip of his pinky finger. Her waist was narrow and her hips flared … her womanhood neatly trimmed but left natural.
o_0?
Also: Caleb’s ruminations about her “natural” state are all the more disturbing when, later in this book, Caleb’s mom pays him a surprise visit, and despite her sympathetic character (she’s about the warmest female in the whole novel) the narration describes the fact that she colors her hair and possibly has had some work done. It is most cringeworthy.
There’s some excellent descriptions used in the sexual scenes. “Saturated channel.” “Aching core.” “Tight bud.” And of course Bryna has earth shattering orgasms:
The earth stopped spinning and she hovered somewhere between this world and an alternate universe. A place where everything was white and sweet and so very, very exquisite. One didn’t need food or water in order to survive, only this… this incredible facet of being.
Just you wait, Bryna, just you wait. There’s a facet of your being you haven’t even experienced yet.
Mr. Payne, for his part, really likes to ride bareback whenever he can. It’s really disturbing. In their first scene of sexual hootenanny, he gets the condoms out and puts them on the bed, but then:
He slowly slid in to the hilt. Everything halted. Bryna’s gasp emerged silent; her heart contracted then stopped. They were no longer two separate entities but one, joined, together….
At some point, Caleb withdrew and finally sheathed himself.
Good Lord! The condoms are RIGHT THERE! Apparently everyone except Mr. Payne knows that pre-ejaculate fluid contains some sperm and it’s possible to get pregnant without a male orgasm and ejaculation. You’d think someone like Mr. Payne, so fearful and derisive of the female baggage and all those biological clocks hidden in designer handbags would be more cognizant of the dangers of riding bareback.
But then, Mr. Payne’s also not against riding dirty, so I guess he likes to live on the edge. Or his dick does.
There’s some sex and maybe some plot and some other character who serves as Mr. Payne’s basketball confessor and wise sage of the jump shot. And then there’s some phone sex, which is so awkward and revolting I had a hard time reading it. At one point Bryna takes off her bra and tells Mr. Payne that there’s “nothing to get in the way of a good, thorough caress.”
“My index finger just tunneled under the elastic…mmm…yes. It’s stroking the length of my swollen, hungry lips.”
Later, “The crotch of my panties is dripping with desire.”
Yeah. Ok. Get a towel.
Mr. Payne is reminded of Bryna’s naturalness again when her stilted, wooden dialogue of phone sex causes him to reach down and pull out his Little Payne for a good jacking off. He hadn’t stroked the salami for a long time, “not since he was a teenager, before he’d discovered that with a little effort, he could have a willing female look after the task for him.”
A page later, “His mind’s eye filled with the image of her parted lips, her pupil-dominated eyes.”
Oh, my God. She’s a Precious Moment’s doll?!
Mr. Payne himself is “natural,” in case you were wondering:
Caleb brought his foreskin up over his aching head of his penis and brought it back down, his gut tightening.
Enter a few more scenes, plot, conversations I didn’t care much about - remember, I’m only in this far for the anal. There’s a scene where Bryna eats Cocoa Puffs while reading Thoreau, and I’m not sure what that was supposed to say about her, though I hope she brushed her teeth because those things stick to your molars like whoa and damn hell.
If I hadn’t been lured by the promise of extremely questionable anal sex, I wouldn’t have read past the halfway point. This book is just so dull and wooden and the characters are such schmucks, I wouldn’t have cared about their happy ending because I didn’t like either of them. I thought he was a sexist tool wad and she was a judgmental twerp with questionable taste and limited business skills.
But then, there was whatwhat in the butt.
If you can’t bring yourself to read the scene, here’s a tight recap. They’ve had sex for the 47th time or something. Mr. Payne is sitting at his piano and Bryna walks in, and in the course of some kissing and post-coital noodling, she tells him she’s falling in love with her. Quicker than you can say designer handbag, Mr. Payne is filled with… some kind of feeling that I can best express as “he wants her bad and is a lazy dangerous fucker.” And I mean “fucker” in every sense of the word.
He puts her on the piano, holds her down, and starts fingering her:
“Please,” she whispered. “I want to touch you.”
He ignored her plea, instead parting her engorged folds with his thumb and finger, taking in the pink portal.
Yes. Pink Portal. She’s a superhero, apparently. Or her vagina is.
His hard-on throbbed and burned with the need to bury himself inside of her. But he had no condoms on him. They were back in the bedroom where he had left her. But she had come into the living room, invaded his longing for privacy, for space to put a name to what he was feeling, to find a way to control it.
She tried to sit up and he held her back down. But looking at her in her confused, turned-on state threatened to rip him to shreds. He could carry her back to the bedroom. But he didn’t want to wait that long.
So he pulled her forward, stripped her of his shirt and turned her over so that her bottom was lifted high in the air….
This time when his fingers breached her, it wasn’t in the place she was expecting.
If you’ve ever wanted to try anal sex with your partner, and you aren’t sure of the best way to approach the balloon knot, I suggest the following four step process to create the most sensitive and caring of backdoor environments:
1. Hold your significant other down forcibly, preferably on a piano.
2. Leave the condoms in another room of your penthouse apartment, a couple hundred feet or so from where you are, so you have a reason to go riding dirty.
3. Don’t even think of going into the kitchen for some lube, olive oil, bacon grease, hell, even some chicken broth. You go hard or go home.
4. Don’t ask. Just do it. She invaded your piano privacy after all.
Yeah. You can see why this scene was increasingly repellent with each word. She’s held down, he doesn’t ask, he doesn’t even USE ANY LUBE for the love of God aside from “her own juices,” and he avoids using a condom because he’s too turned on to go get one, and if he DID have one, he’d just have done it the old fashioned way anyway.
For the record, I’m not against anal in books. I am surprised to see it in a Blaze, but am even more surprised at the reasons for it, the circumstances in which it occurred, and the fact that he couldn’t be arsed to get some lube or a condom.
Here: you can read the entire scene for yourself. Go on, I’ll wait here. And once you have, the cover illustration is EVEN MORE HILARIOUSER.
They go to sleep in the bedroom (good to know they can make their way back there for some things) and Bryna ruminates on her feelings for Mr. Payne as he sleeps.
Tonight she’d realized that the demons that compelled him to succeed at business haunted him on every level.
He’d demanded everything from her. And she’d given it to him….
He hadn’t responded when she’d been compelled to whisper her confession that she believed she might be falling in love with him.
I beg to differ there, Bryna. He most certainly did respond. Did you miss the whatwhat in your butt? He said quite clearly, with his wang of mighty Payne, ‘You are a Piece of Ass to me.’
And not only am I sure what piercing the chocolate starfish means in a personal context but I’m pretty sure what the metaphor is for your business deal, as well.
Beware of those butt sex billionaire tycoons, is all I’m saying.
She realizes that he’s pulling away from her (I guess maybe she did understand the message the buttsecks brings?) and gets up and leaves without another word.
That’ll show him.
Then Bryna mopes in bed for a few days, remarking at one point how bad she smells (gag) and then making friends with Elena The Slut Cousin In Law in another scene, and then it is time for Mr. Payne to Walk in the Rain Meaningfully and Emotively.
He feels remorse! Oh noes!
The remorse that he’d hurt her.
Oh, not physically. Although what he’d done had played a role in establishing the distance he needed to put between the two of them. No. He’d shut himself off from her emotionally….
Without saying a word, he’d pounded a wedge between them….
Wow! A euphemism I didn’t already use? The more you know!
And then it gets weird. No, like really, really weird. Like someone was trying to mess with my head.
Caleb feels guilty, Bryna feels used and stinky, and there’s some business deal to bring them back together, provided Bryna liquidates her every available resource:
As promised, she’d had her bank put her assets together and managed to squeeze out the amount promised to Caleb.
Ok, now, I think someone is just fucking with me.
To him she’d been nothing more interesting than an amusement park ride he could leave behind when he became bored in search of the next one.
She grimaced. Now, there was an analogy for you. She was a rollercoaster. Or at the very least, she felt like she was riding one. And had just come to the end without hope of ever mounting it again.
Mounting it. Ugh.
OK, now I am SURE someone is just fucking with me.
She’d known the dangers going in. A man like Caleb Payne wasn’t one to be thrown by simple emotion. And, after all, he had that “love ‘em and leave ‘em” reputation to live up to. Plus his name.
Payne. Pain.
It couldn’t have been clearer had it been tattooed across his handsome forehead. But that didn’t make it any easier to take.
There is no doubt in my mind that someone is just fucking with me.
In the end, he grovels halfheartedly, and they make up, leaving several plot threads to be solved in the next book. Caleb blames his heartlessness and emotionless deep freeze on an absent and long-dead father who never claimed him as legitimate, a convenient, underused plot point that was probably meant to add pathos and empathy for his heartless business drive. In reality, his motivation for his actions is far too easily interpreted as immature selfishness and any attempts to divert the reader from that conclusion are so weakly done they appear shabby and contrived. Bryna doesn’t fare much better. Her attempts at business savvy, which I believe I am supposed to admire, are vague to the point of nonsensical, and her inner monologue is so judgmental of her family that when her opinion begins to turn, due to the fact that it is based on one conversation and a meal besides, I have no faith that she has grown up or become more self-aware.
It is a terrible thing when you read a book for the buttsecks, and the buttsecks is so boring and disturbing that the most burning irritation comes from the characters being assholes instead.
Private Sessions is available at Amazon | Kindle | BN | Nook | All Romance | Book Depository | Powell’s | eHarlequin.com
Filed: General Bitching, Reviews, Grade F, Authors, A-C
Tagged: romance, ouch, orgasm, make the burning stop, harlequin, euphemism, douchebag, buttsecks, blaze, angst
Ben P said on 04.14.11 at 11:13 AM • [link]
OMG!
Anal Goes Mainstream: Brought to you by Payne in the Ass.
Torri Carrington gotta stop watching pornos coz’ they be inspirin’ her to do some naming-wtfery:
A woman with a Greek name (which still sounds like a hideous wang-wilting disease) gets it greek-style from the Man With The Pornstar Name.
This proves one thing: Crack is bad for you.
Tina C. said on 04.14.11 at 11:57 AM • [link]
I’ve avoided Tori Carrington, aka Lori and Tony Karayianni, since I reviewed Shameless after we won those Sony Readers. Like this one, that plot was nonsensical and the characters were all tools and idiots, too. Frankly, I’m beginning to wonder what kind of blackmail material this pair is holding to make Harlequin continue publishing their stuff. On the other hand, this review was a hilarious start to my morning!
Barbara said on 04.14.11 at 01:05 PM • [link]
When I inhaled my coffee and started choking at “motivation of the hero to rise up and head for the rear” in the fourth paragraph, I figured it’d be best to just set it aside for the rest of the review. I’m so glad I did because my monitor and keyboard would have been toast.
It’s only a matter of time before anal starts showing up in historicals. It’s like kudzu - and the trend seems to be that you can do it unlubed and it’s usually painless and provides a super-orgasm that knocks the h out.
I am so tempted to read this piece-o-shite for myself, but I’m not going to waste my book $ this month when there are so many other good things. Thanks for taking one in the rear for the team and making it good for us, Sarah!
Michelle R. said on 04.14.11 at 01:14 PM • [link]
This is the best review ever of anything.
Evelyn said on 04.14.11 at 01:20 PM • [link]
OMG! So sorry that you had such a hard time reading this books, but also thanks for the review - now I don’t have to read it!
Sarah W said on 04.14.11 at 01:23 PM • [link]
I think “chocolate starfish” is going to lurk in my psyche for a long time. I won’t be able to look at a Godiva gold box (hur) assortment the same way again.
At least we can take comfort that these characters won’t be influcting themselves on anyone else.
redcrow said on 04.14.11 at 01:24 PM • [link]
It makes me miss Deke Trenton and his cousin. They, at least, were entertaining jerks. Can’t say the same about Mr. Payne-In-The-Ass.
Veronica said on 04.14.11 at 01:36 PM • [link]
This book is so bad. The self-parodying kind of bad, where everything is just one cliché on top of another cliché on top of a huge pile of FAIL. I’m not a book snob by any means (nor do I object to anal scenes), but can we send this piece of schlock back to the 70s where it belongs?
Having said that, it’s almost worth it for the review. When I wasn’t cringing, I was lol’ing.
must47 - 47 reasons why this author must stop writing, for the love of god.
AngP said on 04.14.11 at 01:50 PM • [link]
It’s a good thing I read this at 7:30am in an empty office. Can’t stop giggle-snorting.
AgTigress said on 04.14.11 at 02:16 PM • [link]
The book may be a disaster, but Sarah, your review is a gem!
:-D
The team ‘Tori Carrington’ has been writing a long time: I remember reading and discarding more than one of their books years ago.
Rosie Lane said on 04.14.11 at 02:22 PM • [link]
Best. Review. Ever.
I am sitting at my desk in my lunchbreak and my shoulders are shaking with laughter. I do hope nobody asks what is so funny.
Just a shame about the book really.
Isobel Carr said on 04.14.11 at 02:22 PM • [link]
The cover burns. It BURNS!!!
Shannon Bock said on 04.14.11 at 02:25 PM • [link]
If life imitates art then please all young inexperienced women everywhere know that this is the exact opposite of how a man should coax you into buttsecks…if art imitates life then the author needs to do some soul searching. Don’t write something just cos you think you might want to try it. You’ll be flat and ubrelatable…oh wait I mean you ARE. Loved the review precious moments doll? I died laughing!
Kelly L. said on 04.14.11 at 02:35 PM • [link]
OK, aside from the douchey hero and douchey anal sex…how on earth is there a guy out there who hasn’t whacked off since he was a teenager? No matter how much of a player he is!
Selah March said on 04.14.11 at 02:48 PM • [link]
Punishing buttsecks…because punishing kisses are so five minutes ago.
Suzannah said on 04.14.11 at 02:50 PM • [link]
Excellent review! But I shouldn’t have been reading it in company, because I was giggling so hard I had to pretend it was a cough. There are some things you just can’t read out to your 28-year-old (male) office roomie. Particularly at lunchtime. I’m glad I’m a Modern/Presents fan. They’re much tamer in comparison (although interestingly a hero in one I read on the weekend was considering a…self-help remedy, which is unusual. If they’re now actually doing that in Blazes, maybe it’s only a matter of time). What I don’t understand is why, if this “hero” didn’t use a condom the first time they got together in the more traditional way, he was so worried about not having one near the piano, and thought that he only had one option left. That doesn’t seem to make sense, although I realise we’re not talking about a whole lot of sense anyway ;-)
Ali said on 04.14.11 at 02:50 PM • [link]
While I reading this, I was drinking my coffee. BAD IDEA. I nearly choked to death from laughing.
Great review. (And holy hell—you’re right. Reading that scene caused me physical pain. I believe I uttered, “What the hell…?” several times.)
Andrew Shaffer said on 04.14.11 at 02:51 PM • [link]
@ Kelly L. - Exactly. If you find a man who hasn’t slapped the purple-headed yogurt pistol since he was a teenager, run the other way—he’s got some serious personal issues that need to be resolved.
SB Sarah said on 04.14.11 at 02:54 PM • [link]
@selah march you just made me hoerk my coffee. Ow.
Erica said on 04.14.11 at 02:54 PM • [link]
Oh I am so glad I read this alone in my office this morning before my co-worker came in. I almost got my coffee all over the keyboard I laughed so hard.
Andrew Shaffer said on 04.14.11 at 02:54 PM • [link]
And I don’t know what the Billionaire Butt Secks Tycoon was thinking. I ALWAYS keep a candy dish full of condoms on top of my piano. You never know when tickling the ivories might lead to tickling the…oh, nevermind. :P
Millie said on 04.14.11 at 03:01 PM • [link]
I have heard never to read your reviews in the morning while drinking coffee. Now I know why!!! Bravo, that was fantastically hilarious!!!
Jessica said on 04.14.11 at 03:10 PM • [link]
This review is absolutely fantastic. Thank you!
Jael said on 04.14.11 at 03:16 PM • [link]
Saving this for future cycles of laughing-crying-sputting-cackling. Perhaps the awesomest thing ever written. Certainly the awesomest thing ever written that I cannot ever send to anyone I know.
Selah March said on 04.14.11 at 03:17 PM • [link]
My work here is done. *smoochies*
Jennifer said on 04.14.11 at 03:25 PM • [link]
I can’t get over the Pink Portal. Absolutely hysterical!
KJ Reed said on 04.14.11 at 03:39 PM • [link]
I think the phrase “WhatWhat in the butt” will now be on loop in my head all freaking day. I haven’t heard that in forever! I will now have to double-check my language before opening my mouth when picking the Tot up from preschool, lest I slip and laughingly repeat it.
But so worth it. Awesome.
Lori said on 04.14.11 at 03:40 PM • [link]
Another priceless review of a book that should never have been published. Thanks for taking one for the team yet again, Sarah.
I gave up on reading Tori Carrington’s book’s long ago. I know it’s shallow and unreasonable, but I hate that I share a name with half of “her”. Yes, I dislike the books that much. Like Tina C, Shameless was the last straw. Everyone in it was either horrible or stupid and it sounds like this one is just more of the same. I’m not wasting my time on that, even for ground-breaking Blazing buttsecks.
Lori said on 04.14.11 at 03:42 PM • [link]
Thank you Sarah. I’ve never enjoyed a review more.
What what in the butt: my new favorite phrase. (Purple headed yogurt pistol is made of aweome too!!)
Kwana said on 04.14.11 at 03:47 PM • [link]
Oh my this review was too much. What a crack up. And looking back to see that the The Punishing Piano is there on the cover just laughing back at us all mocking like. Why I’m shocked. Bad Piano! Just bad.
And to add insult to you know, my verification word is…
“filled83” Someone is f-ing with me too!
Alison Kent said on 04.14.11 at 03:51 PM • [link]
I wrote anal in my Blaze ONE GOOD MAN, and my editor (Carrington’s editor) nixed it. My how far we’ve come in two years ... ;)
captcha phrase: why87 Why indeed?
Jeannie said on 04.14.11 at 04:09 PM • [link]
Aside from all the aforementioned WTF-ery, did anyone else think of the logistics of that act? Her, face down on top of a piano with her ass in the air and him porking her from behind? Damn, dude must be tall as well as a total lazyass-hat douchebag.
Sarah, I second everything that’s been said here. Any day that I can start out laughing is a good one. The line that made me snort iced coffee was the “hell, even some chicken broth.” Gah!
Bravo!
Jeffe Kennedy said on 04.14.11 at 04:19 PM • [link]
The greatest sin here? The OMG double-dip! Did he really insert finger in the great pocket of fecal bacteria and then swirl it around in the lovely incubator of her pink portal?? Oh no no no.
Madd said on 04.14.11 at 04:32 PM • [link]
Firmly cementing my belief that writing about sex acts you’ve never engaged in, or even remotely researched, should be avoided.
He sticks his finger in her chocolate starfish and then goes in to the pink portal with the same digit for moisture. Is part of his plan to distance her from him to insure she gets a raging infection in her lady bits? Or was he counting on the pain from the lube-free, first anal experience to keep her in bed for several days, thereby guaranteeing him some breathing room?
And HELL YES she’s stinky! They apparently fell in to bed, post buttsecks, without any clean-up and then she went home and stayed in bed for days. Damned unsanitary. I’d hate to be his laundress. I’d burn them sheets.
cayenne said on 04.14.11 at 04:36 PM • [link]
Looks like keyboards everywhere in the Bitchery are taking a massive hit this morning. I remember reading this book & thinking: “boring…obnoxious…zzzz…hello, WTF?!?!?...boring again”. Nothing redeeming about it at all - at least until Sarah got her hands on it. Best review ever .
redheadedgirl said on 04.14.11 at 04:48 PM • [link]
Okay, first, I started reading this review in class, because SB Sarah’s tweet about wondering what her MIL was going to think of this one was too tempting. And I had to stop, because mixing anal sex euphemisms and the 4th Amendment? BAD PLAN.
Right now I am in the lawbrary trying to not fall off my chair, and people are GLOWERING AT ME.
In my book, that’s a winning review.
ReganB said on 04.14.11 at 04:50 PM • [link]
AWESOME review!
Now, could somebody help me come up with answer for a six year old to the question: “Mommy, why are you laughing so much?”
Thank you very much.
Lynn S. said on 04.14.11 at 04:53 PM • [link]
“She’d heard that Caleb Payne was not a man to fool around with. And when their paths had crossed before, she’d certainly seen firsthand that he could be darkly suggestive. “
That there is more of those epic foreshadowing skills hard at work, Sweetie. Thank you for the cheesy grin plastered on my face this morning and thank the Reading Gods that I didn’t buy this puppy.
In every way it can be said, OUCH!
Chelsea said on 04.14.11 at 05:09 PM • [link]
I’m going to see if I can fit the phrase “pink portal” into casual converation today.
Jennifer said on 04.14.11 at 05:16 PM • [link]
Now there’s a Precious Moments statue I would buy and display proudly!
received96 - received 96 what??? Good Lord, man, you can’t leave me hanging like that!
Jennifer said on 04.14.11 at 05:26 PM • [link]
Ok - just bit the bullet and read the scene itself. He is compelled to take her anally to “stamp her in a unique way that would remain with her forever.”
Good thing they weren’t near a tatoo parlor or cattle ranch when that urge overtook him. Just sayin’...
SB Sarah said on 04.14.11 at 05:29 PM • [link]
@Jennifer: or, you know, a Sharpie marker. He could doodle on her instead of diddling her dingdong.
Sarah TX said on 04.14.11 at 05:37 PM • [link]
I confess: I haven’t finished this review yet, but I have to say this: YOU ARE EVIL! I am snickering almost too hard to type, and I keep dwelling on the idea of openings that are too hard (to write).
Tamara Hogan said on 04.14.11 at 06:06 PM • [link]
Um, wow. No condoms? Does he have no self-preservation instincts? I shudder to think about the plethora of STD’s he could be acquiring or passing on - not to mention the nasty bacterial infection she’ll likely get from the double-dipping Jeffe mentioned. (Very bad form, sir. A definite faux pas.) The Piano of Payne indeed.
I have to admit that I’m wondering where you all work that you can get this site’s URL past your employers’ firewalls and network admins!
Mayweed said on 04.14.11 at 06:11 PM • [link]
Selah March - snorts and giggles!
Sarah, thanks once again for taking one for the team.
The whole buttsecks thing - when is it better to have unprotected anal than risk a pregnancy? Especially with a man who hasn’t needed to spank the monkey since he was a teenager because of all the women wiling to throw themselves at the might wang of Payne. Considering his track record with condoms throughout the rest of the book there is no reason to believe he was any better before. The last place she should be allowing him to go bareback is her chocolate starfish (love that). The whole thing is squicky.
Lindsay said on 04.14.11 at 06:36 PM • [link]
How horrifyingly obnoxious and squicky all at once. Also, now I kind of want to see Harlequin publish something where the hero is the one who takes it up the backdoor.
Chicklet said on 04.14.11 at 06:40 PM • [link]
For the love of Pete, there are teenage fangirls who know more about writing proper anal scenes than this married couple. They really need to read some Tristan Taormino books.
My wordspam is length16. BRB HYPERVENTILATING FROM LAUGHTER.
Julia Spencer Fleming said on 04.14.11 at 06:41 PM • [link]
But did he save her life?
verification word: french 28. I predict that’ll be the next trend after anal peaks.
Hell Cat said on 04.14.11 at 06:47 PM • [link]
Do you know how difficult it is to explain this book to your 77-year-old mother sitting next to you - not on a piano, thankfully - and why anal sex is so terribly amusing? She was not amused.
Kelley Marie said on 04.14.11 at 07:16 PM • [link]
I decided to sign up for the Smart Bitches newsletter after reading the buttsecks aka Private Sessions post, and my captcha word to prove I’m not a bot was ‘logism’. You Bitches are fucking with me aren’t you :D
Jackie Barbosa said on 04.14.11 at 07:21 PM • [link]
When I realized that Tori Carrington is actually a husband-and-wife team, I was immediately sure that the male part of the team had to have written this scene. It reads like something you’d find in Hustler or Penthouse.
Also, at this point in the review, I almost swallowed my tongue: “Just you wait, Bryna, just you wait. There’s a facet of your being you haven’t even experienced yet. “
I was tempted to buy and read this just because I’m writing something targeted toward Blaze and I was curious. Now I’m just disturbed…
My verification word is position86. Is that the over-the-piano anal-drilling position?
dick said on 04.14.11 at 07:46 PM • [link]
“The whole thing is like a tower assembled precariously of pieces of plot poorly held together by the remnants of a sneeze.”
Absolutely one of the most decriptive and funniest lines I’ve read in a review. Thank you.
Sadiana said on 04.14.11 at 07:48 PM • [link]
Oh wow. This review is both hilarious and horrifying. Additionally, thanks for the warning, haha. Who knew anal could be boring? Oh, my.
Randi said on 04.14.11 at 08:39 PM • [link]
@ Julia Spencer Fleming: SNORT!!!!! It’s been a LONG DAMN TIME since someone referenced that. Perhaps it’s time to re-post that particular review again. You know..for comparitive reasons.
I don’t want to insult RHG, because damn are her reviews funny, but this review TOTALLY wins.
Donna said on 04.14.11 at 08:44 PM • [link]
This made me laugh so hard I was pounding my desk. Which caused co-workers to come see, forcing me to try to minimize this while SNORTING(!!) with laughter. Thanks, I really REALLY needed this today.
Brandi said on 04.14.11 at 08:59 PM • [link]
Could be worse. She could be a Bratz doll.
CK said on 04.14.11 at 09:03 PM • [link]
This time when his fingers breached her, it wasn’t in the place she was expecting.
Bryn’s eyes widened and she gripped the edge of the piano until her knuckles turned a ghostly white. “Payne.” His name emerged from her lips with the same horrified wonder as Punxsutawney Phil each time he looks out from his cozy hole only to find his shadow and another six freaking weeks of winter.
“Payne!” came the strangled cry. “What are you doing?”
Caleb ignored her struggles and tunneled further. “I’M SAVING YOUR LIFE!” He roared. ...
- I’m so ashamed. I just couldn’t help myself. :P
Leslie Dicken said on 04.14.11 at 09:05 PM • [link]
But then, there was whatwhat in the butt.
Heh.
That review was AWESOME! Especially following the Twitter convo we had on it yesterday.
As I said to Andrew: that anal sounds much more OUCHIE than sexy? What up with that???
Evangeline Holland said on 04.14.11 at 09:13 PM • [link]
Extreme second-hand embarrassment just reading this review.
rebyj said on 04.14.11 at 09:13 PM • [link]
let’s take a moment to think about the poor household servant that has to face that piano the next day with nothing more than a dust rag and a can of pledge. lol
Lauren said on 04.14.11 at 09:37 PM • [link]
Lol. Even the anal was boring? Hahaha. Well, thanks for making a dull novel entertaining.
I found some errors in your recount, though. One being: “...so there’s all sorts of scenes between her…” “There is” should be “there are.” There ARE scenes. :)
Anyway, keep reviewing!
Ferishia said on 04.14.11 at 09:40 PM • [link]
There are tears in my eyes from laughter as I read this at work. Then I accidentally snorted out loud. Thanks alot!
beletseri said on 04.14.11 at 10:02 PM • [link]
I’m only half-way done, but “But then, Mr. Payne’s also not against riding dirty, so I guess he likes to live on the edge. Or his dick does.” FTW! AWESOME!
bookstorecat said on 04.14.11 at 10:09 PM • [link]
@Jeannie
I think perhaps it is Schroeder’s piano from the comic strip Peanuts, because otherwise it just wouldn’t work.
Crystal said on 04.14.11 at 10:19 PM • [link]
I should not have read this at work. I nearly sprayed the water I was drinking all over my keyboard from laughing. Man, that just sounds amazingly awful.
bookstorecat said on 04.14.11 at 10:23 PM • [link]
Do all agree he must have had a very small instrument…to make this work?
MissFiFi said on 04.14.11 at 10:58 PM • [link]
You think the dude would have at least rimmed her for a little moisture. The double dip of digit just shows he has no respect for the magnificent cha cha.
Just adding more vulgarity to some of the worst writing I have read in awhile. Thanks kittens!!
STILL88 -
still88 rejection letters away to getting published ;-)
beggar1015 said on 04.14.11 at 11:30 PM • [link]
Now it’s my turn to spew my coffee.
Alpha Lyra said on 04.14.11 at 11:35 PM • [link]
This review is made of win.
Maddie said on 04.14.11 at 11:38 PM • [link]
This is hilarious, as always. You had me laughing my ass off, out loud, painfully, and all the rest. (Heehee, buttpuns.) Very well done, and oh god, that scene…@_@;
DeeEss said on 04.14.11 at 11:41 PM • [link]
Now you’re thinking with (pink) portals.
Gretchen Galway said on 04.14.11 at 11:42 PM • [link]
Such a fine line between machismo and assismo…
JamiSings said on 04.14.11 at 11:48 PM • [link]
Ug. Anal. Gross. That’s enough to keep me far away from a book.
You can have any other kind of adult male/adult female sex - regular, handjobs, blowjobs, footjobs, titty-fucking.
But the anus is an exit only hole for me and the second anything goes up it for anything other then medical reasons the book goes in the trash. (Or back the library as the case may be.)
To read a book this badly written just for an anal scene - you’re braver than I.
JaniceG said on 04.14.11 at 11:51 PM • [link]
Great review! You missed another groundbreaking aspect of this book, though: “A place where everything was white and sweet and so very, very exquisite” incorporates a white chocolate theme into the usual dark chocolate anal analogies :->
lambchop said on 04.15.11 at 12:29 AM • [link]
I made the cat jump up and run out of the room I was laughing so hard. Well done, Sarah.
I am an HR person. The line about needing an HR rep b/c the “hero/asshat” is “darkly suggestive” brought tears to my eyes. There is not enough HR humor if you ask me.
Clare said on 04.15.11 at 12:38 AM • [link]
As I always say “Up the bum‚ No harm done”
Jules said on 04.15.11 at 12:52 AM • [link]
He can’t be that big of a tycoon; that’s an IKEA Expedit bookshelf hiding behind that life saving piano.
Tina C. said on 04.15.11 at 01:11 AM • [link]
I just realized that the blurb on the cover is for Shameless.
First, that book was terrible! I would never again trust the opinion of anyone that told me that was something on which I should waste money or time. Second, isn’t it an indication of how bad this one is if they couldn’t find anyone to say a kind word or two about it?
Carrie S said on 04.15.11 at 01:59 AM • [link]
OMG, you’re right about the bookshelf! Now I feel my own precious Expedit book shelf is sullied by association. I’m so glad I’m not the only person who spots IKEA everywhere - but please, please, Tori Carrington, stop defacing the image of pianos and all my other furniture! What’s next, the Ektorp sofa? Nooooo!
I really live in a house that is 26% furnished by IKEA
Brandie said on 04.15.11 at 02:11 AM • [link]
Best book review ever. No hyperbole intended. Thanks for the biggest laugh I’ve had all week. It’s books like this that motivate me to get to work on my own long-stagnant romance novel, because I’m pretty confident I can write better than this shite.
hapax said on 04.15.11 at 03:16 AM • [link]
But the Chocolate Cake Is A Lie!
ashley said on 04.15.11 at 03:35 AM • [link]
“Her beasts were small and pert, untouched by a plastic surgeon’s knife” wow. it’s sad that that is a concern for people nowadays.
and the whole I’m too horny to walk to the bedroom for a condom thing? didn’t we get over that in high school?
lilywhite said on 04.15.11 at 04:10 AM • [link]
That is EXACTLY what I was thinking. HOLY UNSANITARY!
Morgan le Fake said on 04.15.11 at 04:10 AM • [link]
Anal must be going mainstream—who knew? I was surprised to see it in the Jeaniene Frost’s Night Huntress series as well. At least Bones (yes, that’s his name) used lube for teh buttsecks.
sweetsiouxsie said on 04.15.11 at 06:25 AM • [link]
I’m so glad I bought the “drop and spill” warranty for my new laptop! Great review, Sarah!!
Anon76 said on 04.15.11 at 06:44 AM • [link]
This review is OMG awesome.
You had me at “balloon knot”.
When “chocolate starfish” soon followed I damn near fell off my chair laughing.
You are SUPERB at imagery.
EbonyMcKenna said on 04.15.11 at 08:15 AM • [link]
Ouch in all it’s permutations.
Claudia said on 04.15.11 at 09:22 AM • [link]
LOL! This reminds me of a GirlGear Blaze mini series book that had a totally boring kitchen counter-top fingering scene. The book soon became a wallbanger and I never bothered with another book from the series. It was like erotica+training wheels for Categories.
Still, I’m actually going to buy this Blaze even though I’ve only liked Carrington Temptations. I can’t pass up another opportunity to experience the edgiest of the edgiest Categories. This book will likely become a sales hit for all the wrong reasons and I’m almost scared to imagine how Carrington will up the ante in the future.
Jane Lovering said on 04.15.11 at 01:11 PM • [link]
Ahem. Confessions time. No, not like that, everyone just stopped talking and looked at me… Anal sex. What’s the deal? Or is it just that I, post childbirth (five kids, Vag Deliveries to a man) have a slight case of ..ahem..haemorrhoids and find the thought of ANYTHING poking around there absolutely excrutiating. Does Anal only work for those who are pristine and unsullied in the Pursed Lips regions? Urrgggh, now I’m thinking about it…..
Thank you for such a rib-cracking review. I’m now off to sit on a cushion until I recover.
MicheleKS said on 04.15.11 at 01:44 PM • [link]
Sarah, thank you for taking one for the team.
I don’t have a problem with anal sex itself because to each his/her own and all that. But in most books that I’ve read with anal scenes the gist of the scene is that ‘if you love me you’ll let me stick it up your ass’ or it’s trying to show that the heroine hasn’t truly let go of all her baggage until she lets the hero do this to her. Either way, when I get this vibe from a scene it makes what was turning out to be a great book become meerly good.
Becky Moore said on 04.15.11 at 02:23 PM • [link]
Oh. My. God. I don’t need to read the book because, aside from its obvious issues, it could never be as entertaining as the review. And coupled with the What What video, I nearly tinkled.
Desiree Holt said on 04.15.11 at 03:29 PM • [link]
OMG! I snorted my coffee all over my desk but still couldn’t stop laughing so hard my cats thought I was having a fit. Blaze going anal…isn’t that kind of like Church Lady hooking on the street corner? OMG! And Pink Portal. I don’t think I’ll ever get that out of my brain. Great, great review.
Morgan le Fake said on 04.15.11 at 03:43 PM • [link]
@JaneLovering: I’m right there with you—my be-hymen is firmly intact.
Elemental said on 04.15.11 at 05:24 PM • [link]
So I finished reading the comments, and scrolled back up.Then I saw the advert on the top right, for….Dark Passages.
Kristin said on 04.15.11 at 05:26 PM • [link]
O.H. M.Y. G.O.D. Between the review and the comments, I’ve laughed so hard that my keyboard almost took a bath. I’m not sure what phrase amused me more…What what in the butt, Purple headed yogurt pistol, pink portal, or chocolate starfish (this one is bad, really, really bad…I think I’m never, ever going to look at Patrick Starr in quite the same way again).
My captcha is answer69…oh so appropriate after a review like this
Anon76 said on 04.15.11 at 05:42 PM • [link]
This review should go down in the “anals” of history as one of the funniest EVAH.
C.G. Powell said on 04.15.11 at 06:34 PM • [link]
The review was far more entertaning than the lines in the book…ROF.
Virginia Llorca said on 04.15.11 at 06:54 PM • [link]
All sarcasm aside for the moment, I feel truly bad that this stuff gets published and I write sweet little stories that are brushed off as mindless fluff. I wish there was a mindless fluff publisher who specialized in sweet little stories. To quote one of our fellow correspondants on this site, “with obligatory sex”.
But I am crazy about the totally Freudian typo depicting her breasts as little beasts. Every one I write about has little beasts for breasts.
Miranda said on 04.15.11 at 08:53 PM • [link]
It’s the digital age, Virginia. Get your digital single on Amazon and show them what sweet little stories can do! :)
Password: using39. It sounds like the hero needed to use SOMETHING.
LizW65 said on 04.15.11 at 09:43 PM • [link]
Someone really needs to send a link for this review to TVTropes for their “so bad it’s horrible (literature)” section. Thanks for the laugh, Sarah—this is the funniest thing I’ve read all week.
Virginia Llorca said on 04.16.11 at 12:24 AM • [link]
@Miranda. Yeah! I am thinking and reading more about that each day. I let y’all know. “Kindling” is free!
Delphine Dryden said on 04.16.11 at 12:45 AM • [link]
This is starting to sound like the most unfortunate box of Lucky Charms EVER :-(
Stephanie said on 04.16.11 at 02:11 AM • [link]
List of most sensitive and caring backdoor environments = amazing!
SonomaLass said on 04.16.11 at 10:45 AM • [link]
Notice how often the word “but” appears in the part of the scene where he’s deciding whether to bother with condoms for her pink portal? Clumsy foreshadowing FTW!
Awesome review, SBSarah. Right up there with “in ur ass, saving ur life”!
brooklynshoebabe said on 04.16.11 at 05:34 PM • [link]
OMG! Thank you for your review. This title was one of many I had checked out of my library and was sitting in my literal “to read” box. I kept looking at the cover and the description trying to decide if I was going to break my cowboy addiction for something a little more citified. Now, I’m glad I didn’t and returned that book to the library. What a hilarious review.
Daisy Harris said on 04.17.11 at 07:19 AM • [link]
Fantastic review! I’d never read a story with lubeless anal before- sticking as I normally do to either paranormal romance (much sex, seldom asserific) or erotic romance (much buttsecksing but generally well-described.)
But what bothered me most about this scene (besides the whole logistics of how exactly she was perched on the piano- I mean are her knees hitting the keys or her feet? Either way, she must have the world’s shortest legs. The distance from piano top to keys is 9 inches at most, right?) Wait…what bothered me? Oh yeah, the line “...as she struggled against her own emotions and his touch.”
Excuse me while I vomit a little in my mouth.
The scene is from “his” POV- so he only sees her “struggling” against “his touch.” He has no idea what her emotions are. The idea, “Is it me your struggling against, baby? Or your darkest desires?” is so very, very, very rapey.
I see this a lot in older romances and it always skeeves me. “She struggled in his arms and against her own desires.” DUDE- if she’s struggling to get away, SHE DOES NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX.
Anal, vadge, whatevs. If a woman’s fighting a guy off, it’s rape.
Thanks for stopping by my bleeding-from-the-eyeballs rant. Please tip your server on your way out. :)
Daisy
Danny said on 04.19.11 at 07:38 AM • [link]
Daisy,
While you’re probably correct in the case of many older romances, I think it could just be an unfortunate choice of words in this case. I know that not saying no doesn’t always mean yes, but I’d like to think that a modern romance Hero could tell the difference between emotional struggling and actual STRUGGLING… It could have just been a reference to the play of emotions across the heroine’s face, some utterance of primal desire or some such thing… XD
Of course, I DO like to see the good in things, so I could just be glossing over things to suit how fluffy my brain likes to think things. I haven’t read the book, either, so there’s that…
I kind of want to. Is that bad? This review makes it obvious the book is rather glaringly bad, but sometimes things are just so bad they’re good again…
whoever said on 05.11.11 at 07:47 AM • [link]
I’m sorry, but I read the anal part on Google books and it was one of the most DISGUSTING things I’ve ever read.
Seriously. And shit like that gets published. *epic eye roll*
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