Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

I think I just hurt myself from trying to laugh silently in my cubicle at work.

OMG, think I’m blind…and still laughing like the village idiot.  Those faces are just scary, especially Mr. Long Tall Furry, run skunk girl.

wait wait wait. Did you really LOOK at the second guy? What’s with his ribcage? It looks like the toothy little dude from Alien is exiting stage right.

Ow. Too funny. Ow. Hurt myself. Ow. The Furry guy. Ow. Swishy hand on the hip as he, ow, pumps his delts. Ow.

Wheezing over here.

Oh, Gods, those covers….If I were the authors, I’d sue for some sort of criminal misrepresentation right there!

I think number one and two are the same guy, and the magic tattoo (which is covered by heavy pancake makeup in two so that he may maintain his secret furdentity) has the power to eerily and strangely bulk up the body. No more steriods, but your armpits turn inside out and your fingers become sausages. It’s a trade off. You can tell by the eyes—and the fact that in two he’s covering his Spockish ears.

I can’t look any more. These cover articles too often drive me to adult beverages.

Thank you, and keep them coming.

Drugs are bad, m’kay?

that last one… that’s a dude? holy shit. Why do I have the “the phantom of the opera is heeeeeeeere…” playing in my head?

Never, never, visit this site while on a informationak conference call.  I almost gave my inattention away.  Thank god for mute….

Does matchmakers match have some kind of cardiac scar starting at his throat and working its way down. 

I don’t know if I would be able to take a story seriously with this 9th grader cartoon art covers. 

I think I do have that dust thingy with the green fuzz somewhere in my house.  I quit dusting, why dust when I can read.

Re: the last pic

They’re writing fiction about Abe from Hellboy now?

Lol Ana! That can’t be Abe, though, because I actually think Abe is sexy. What can I say, I dig smart guys. Even if they do live underwater and eat rotten eggs.

I think the second guy actually is Linda Evans. Seriously.

Hee, I actually have a soft spot for the actor who plays Abe. I watched Frazier for years, just because of Niles.

And yes, give me a smart one, everytime.  It gives you something to do after his dick goes down, and that does happen eventually, even if only after the tenth time.

Okay, ya’ll, it’s about Guy #3.  Oh. My. God.  The light from the golden pentacle behind him is actually shining *through* his head and out the front of his face and eyes, which means—yes—his skull is COMPLETELY EMPTY.  Perhaps somebody somewhere considers this a “plus”?

I think the umm, *koff* artist *koff* of that last one droped too many hits before taking his gay ass to Cirque du Soleil.

I honestly did a double take of Matchmaker’s Match.  If you gave him a mullet and made his hear a bit red he’d be Gambit from the X-Men.  I swear.

Holy good god—that second one has me in tears…yet I keep coming back for another look, convinced that it can’t be THAT bad.

Yet it always is.

Oh oww oww oww! I had to compound the horror by checking out the website. I need therapy. And a hug.

*stares*

I’d just love to know wtf the artists were on when they decided these would be great romance covers.

On second thought. No, I don’t.

*shudder*

ow…..
i fell outta my chair.  my coworkers have pretty much given up on my sanity at this point.  thanks.

Whenever I look at number three (and I also keep coming back again and again) I keep thinking of Stephen King. 

And for some reason, I’m sure that if the dude smiled just a bit wider his teeth would all be filed into sharp points. . . . And that freaky line down the center of his chest is him about to split into two beings.  “Hehehehe, you thought one of me was spooky?  My clone will grind your bones into dust!”

great, now I’m picturing him in a squirrel suit, telling a girl with balloon-like breasts dressed in a skunk outfit to “lick deez nutz, bitch!” Why does my brain insist on doing this to me?

—>And why does your brain insist on telling such things to my brain? AAAAAUUUUGGGHHH!!!!!

::flees::

re: Insomnia

Well, duh. Who could sleep with that next to them? I think an albino ermine died on his bald head.

Ok, I came back, laughed some more, and realized:

Insomnia dude: Totally looks like my boss. Well, aside from the ginormous nippleage and blacklight tat. Although I’ve never seen my boss half naked, so perhaps…. Ok, ok. Clarified: Looks like my boss in the face. Except for the vacant stare, although on occasion, he can do that, too. ;-)

Long Tall Furry: What up with the expression? He looks like he just let one rip and is disgusted with himself. And does he have wrinkles/lines on his face, or is it just my monitor?

Matchmaker’s Match: If my matchmaker had brought that piece of flaming skank to meet me, I’d ask for my money back. And what up with the dayglo eyes?

Shiver: Ummm. Yeah. Frankly, bendy fish-man looks unfinished, like the “artist” got tired halfway through and the publisher thought they were done and slapped it on the book. Although, is he swimming or flying? And why the discreet swathes of hair across what looks to be non-existant man-titties? I thought it was a chick at first, because as covers one through three show, Changeling has NO problem flashing the man-titty.

OMG!!

Ok, triple take because fish person is a WOMAN, baby! I thought I noted the bottom curves of some seriously misplaced boobs under the bottom curves of her hair, so I went and looked up the book blurb:

For hundreds of years, Danny has been caught up in a dance of love, lust and sex with the mysterious Siren who made him less than a god, but more than a man when he kissed her and stole some of her essence.

Down through the ages Danny and his Siren have met from time to time and clashed in the fray, but neither has ever completely bested the other.

I’m gonna guess this is the siren. *makes uncertain grimace of distaste* She’d have to use her voice, because she ain’t winning any beauty contests….

It’s been noted elsewhere that snarking ebook covers is much like shooting fish in a barrel. Though this might be true, sometimes someone, somewhere just has to put those poor fish out of their misery. Otherwise they’d breed like genetically mutated were-angora and take over the planet. Could they make their plan more obvious? Paranormal mates? Tchah. Besides, is that society truly anonymous?

Anyhow, look at the poor little fishies. How they suffer for their art. (Chorus: And now, we are too…*boomtish*). Thank heavens there are brave souls out there willing to give these matchboys such a stylish mercy skewering. Especially that Linda Evans troll doll. He’s crying out for release.

Oops. I think that came out… oops.

(deep breath, followed by scraping sound of hurried shovelling)

To say nothing of Dr. Teeth. There are reasons besides pre-modern dentistry that you don’t see too many teeth in portraits that aren’t housed in grinning skulls. Or historical romances that aren’t about vampires for that matter. Someone artistic would know why.

... Gambit from the X-Men.

How dare you try to destory my fantasies! Leave Gambit alone, damn you! *sobs and hugs her X-Men comics*
*lol*

I agree with the empty head theory. The guy is too creepy in an oh so skanky kind of way. I’d have to see some serious medical testing and documentation before I slept with anything that looked like that ... and then I’d have to dip myself in bleach afterwards ... *shudders*

Mr.Furry is definitely Linda Evans post-hormones, but possibly pre-surgery, I can’t tell with those pants.

How do you all get merperson just from that last cover? I mean it’s got the floaty hair, granted, but otherwise it could be anything from elf to vampire. It got no fins. And, althought the slight hint of boobage gives the impression that it might be female ... I just don’t know. Until I know for sure, I’ll stick with “it”. Less scary if I don’t give it a gender. I love me some Abe, so we won’t even go there.

Does anyone know where I could get tattoo ink that glows under blacklight ... cause that could be awesome ... depending on the location of that tattoo. ;)

How dare you try to destroy my fantasies!  Leave Gambit alone, damn you!

TOTALLY!  I prefer to go old school for Gambit and imagine Dennis Quaid all sexy and Cajun in The Big Easy.  C’mon cher….

Otherwise, I have to learn not to read this when my girls are in the room.  They are 2 and 4 yos, and they have started to ask “what’s funny?” whenever I laugh at something.  Shit, I CANNOT brun their impressionable little brains with this shit!

... thank you for not picking my cover.

runs away giggling madly

Mr/Ms. Furry?
Willam DeFoe called, he wants his face back.

ok, fo’ real, y’all… i couldn’t figure out why Mr. Furry McFreak was looking so familiar, and then it hit me… dude is Henry Rollins. check out this website, and click on the first picture:

http://21361.com/site/photo.html

just bleach the eyebrows and give him blue eyes… also, i believe that Mr. Match Macabre is in fact James Marsden’s brother. check it:

http://www.perfectpeople.net/picpage.php3/cpid=39778

that is all.

Here’s an e-pub industry secret regarding how Changeling Press got its name. 

Upon first starting out, they had lovely, awe-inspiring covers that were the envy of the industry.  But a puckish hacker working for one of the fantasy/sci fi pubs kept switching these marvelous works of art with Clive Barker wet-dream images.  Alas, the powers at CP had not the savvy to put an end to this hackery…so they simply changed their name to reflect it.

You heard it hear first.

Actually, you heard it HERE first.  (I cannot laugh and type at the same time.)

Quit trampling on my fantasies, people!

ok, fo’ real, y’all… i couldn’t figure out why Mr. Furry McFreak was looking so familiar, and then it hit me… dude is Henry Rollins.

He may be a little crazy, but I’ve still got a thing for Henry Rollins.

I stick by my beliefs that Mr. Furry is really Linda Evans finally going for that sex change she’s always wanted.

I don’t know why, but when I first glanced at Mr. Long Tall & Furry, I got the impression that his head was on backwards and we’re seeing him from behind. Must be those atrocious shoulders. What is wrong with these people?

Okay honestly!  What the Heck?  would anybody ever want to get their rocks off with these things.  I am all for the sexy, brooding, mysterious sci-fi/fantasy guy but these things especial;y Shiver, who makes me do just that.  Ugh people are sick in the head lol.  These dudes are a MESS!