Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

There must be something about the Tempted cover that prompts comments from husbands.  My hubby was reading over my shoulder and thought the caption should be “I’m gay!  Why is she jumping on me?”  with a subtitle ” ... when both of these people are looking for good, hard cocks.”

I must be out of the secret hand signal loop, because I can’t figure out for the life of me what the girl on the Tempted cover is doing with her fingers.

Somebody care to offer enlightenment?

Why, why, WHY do you post covers like this? (And where do you find them?) I would comment more, but I have a headache. Will try to sleep it off.

In the meantime, ick.

Ah, more icky covers courtesy of the Dorchester art department.  Many authors have suffered at their hands.  I’m surprised they’ve never marched on the art department carrying pitchforks and torches.

That’s just me though.

And not only is that Ross from Friends - that’s Debra Messing from Will & Grace riding him piggy-back ;-)

At least I think she looks like Ms. Messing…...

BWAAHAHAHAHAAAAA! Sometimes you gals just rock my world.

Thanks

X

I was thinking the same thing about the Debra Messing resemblance, Wendy. And the priest definitely looks gay which fits perfectly into the Will & Grace scenario.

Is the man on the Bobbi Smith cover, fingering Ms. Blondie? Also…what sort of “Half-Breed” is he exactly, because there is no helpful loincloth or horse rearing in the background for me to make the Native American Romance Hero connection. Maaaybe….half-English, half-Italian?

The “Viking” made me spew tea out of my nose, damn you.

Man-Boobies of Great Crushing Power: +25

OMG - I can’t stop laughing, that was hilarious, as usual.

Thanks ladies.

Okay, I’m totally gonna be seeing that Original Sin guy in my head all day and imagining this squirmy little voice (not unlike Mr Rogers) saying, “You wanna apple, hmm?”

On Half Breed, is his hand up her coochie?! And if so, why does she look so bored? Maybe his hand there is just a practical move - he’s lifting her out of the swamp into which she’s sinking?

I think the Original Sin guy went to my high school. Used to pick his nose and fart a lot. I swear, looks just like him.

Beloved Warrior is just way too stoned. He’s like Surf Warrior…I’ll just jump off my boat and catch a wave, dude. And where’s my car? And my Funyuns?

The Tempted chick looks like Blair from Facts of Life with red hair. Isn’t in front of a church in broad daylight a bit of a public place for a tryst? Maybe that’s why the bible. The old salt about the only true birth control being a nickel between the knees. Keep a bible in your hand and your hands won’t sin.

The Trickster needs Botox. You’d think they’d airbrush his forehead lines out.

And Virtual Desire. Ack. His phallic symbol is pointing the wrong way. I picture that old physical comedy bit where he draws his sword, cuts his belt, and his pants fall down. Though that may be the intention.

Regarding “Beloved Warrior” all I can think of is he is going to break into song any moment.  “Ba ba ba ba Barbarino, Ba ba ba ba Barbarino”

Now I have that song running through my head…

An Original Sin? Ya’ll, that is in reference to the sin of a mullet PLU wispy bangs. He is truly bound for hell.

Beloved Warrior: He is obviously using his massive sword to scratch his ass. Hence, the dazedly pleased look in his lazy eye. And anyone else notice that he has a sheepskin-lined man purse on?

Tempted: The funniest part of this whole cover is the hidden caption you all gave it! And man, you guys, can no-one tell that the heroine is a red-headed Janet Jackson? (Complete with skin bleaching.) That nose is waaay too small!

The Trickster: The fireworks, blue on one side, red on the other, make him look like he is sportin’ a clown wig. Also, is that a sterling silver cross depicted right above the “r” in trickster? Is this the sequel to Tempted?

Virtual Desire: I think what has happened here is that he accidentally whacked off his peener with the dagger in his right hand, and was forced to devise a mega-tourniquet with his obscenely wide belt and his trusty mega-thor sword. He is just trying to stave off blood loss.

The Half-Breed: Dude, everyone knows that the sequel to this was The Squaw! And the hero is apparently putting out the heroine’s blazing-hot “secret fires” by dipping her cooch in the bayou.

What is it with cover designers putting people up to their asses in outdoor watery places? Do they smell or something?

Male Model: “Oh, I just can’t perfect my Blue Steel look with her reeking dimestore cologne in my nose.”

Photographer: “Fine, both of you into the stream. Clarice here was yanked out of a wet T-shirt contest for this job anyway, she’ll feel right at home. Hose her down, boys.”

Oh, and I think Mr. Virtual Desire has a boogie hanging from his nose.

‘I must be out of the secret hand signal loop, because I can’t figure out for the life of me what the girl on the Tempted cover is doing with her fingers.’

She’s signalling for the fastball, but he’s throwing a curveball instead.

Original Sin: The guy looks pained to be on such a dumb cover. He probably also looks pained becuase he has a mullet. Do we think he’s aware enough to know how stupid he looks?

The Viking: That helmet is squishing and deforming his head so he looks stooopid. Plus, it’s meant to cover up his own sweet mullet, which cannot be exposed to the elements, lest the tender shriveled brain it’s attached to doth scream with terror and shrivel further.

Tempted: I have nothing to say. This is just too damn creepy for me.

Trickster: Am just as mystified by the floating head as I am by the preponderence of magical mullets. I thought they were trying to say that the guy has migraines and his head is ‘sploding.

Virtual Desire: The man-boobies of crushing power and huge intelligence handicap lead me to believe that this is the Stupidest Cover Ever. I could almost feel my own intelligence being drained when I looked at it. Of course, it could have been the blood draining from my brain in sheer horror.

I’m sorry. I can’t say anything about Half-Breed either. I just can’t. It’s just too painful.

OK, the Trickster big-head guy looks too much like Antonio Banderas for my comfort, so I’m going to have to go watch Zorro now.

WTF is it with viking covers?
How do they stay warm enough to rape and pillage with just a fur cape or no cape at all. Won’t those uber!manboobies get frostbite?

Hummmnn…

‘Tempted’ - it looks like she’s trying to unbutton his shirt to me.  And if he’s giving her a piggyback ride, just where the hell are her legs????  Or is she just freakishly tall?

Gari

Oh, Mistress Stef?  Nickel between the knees?  You can’t be serious!  I can think of so many ways to get around that one.  Between the knees, *snort* like that would stop me.  ;o)

You know, I actually feel a bit sorry for the guy that posed for Beloved Warrior.  He looks uncomfortably aware of just how ridiculous he looks in that horned helmet and strange outfit. 

Did he turn the books backwards when he saw it on the shelves?  How many jokes did he endure from his friends when they noticed it was him?  What did his grandma think?

Maybe if the authors, models and readers unite in a protest march (can you imagine the scene - especially if the models are kitted out in their worst cover outfits/poses?) the art departments will take notice.

But then, maybe we’d be worse off if they stopped these crimes against humanity because we’ll have one less thing to laugh about.

How about Models Against Nerdish Bookcovers   Or Ostentatious Bookart?

And Gari, you can get around it, but can you hold onto it when you do?

Took me a minute to get the acronym for that, Mistress Stef.  Now I can’t stop laughing.

Mistress Stef,
I guess that all depends on the “position” I find myself in.  *smirk*

Gari

OMG ROTFLMAO Call 911 quick, I can’t breathe

All right- I LURV the skanky cover diss-fest, but have you ever contemplated posting a few that didn’t make you retch, or make baby Jeebus cry? I’d love to see what kinds of covers you do like- especially ones with men pictured.

Puh-leeese, puh-leese do some those!!!

Good idea Romababe! C’mon ladies, I’m sure you’re up to the challenge.

I LURVE a man with a good mullet!