Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

mmmm spam… mmmm masturbation…

I agree, I am way more embarassed about my occasional Spam cravings (Spam fried rice, and spam n’ beans) than I am about masturbating. This from a girl whose mother totally walked in on a private moment between a girl and her vibrating turtle and whose only comment was, “3 in the afternoon? Had a rough day, have you?”. heehee!

My mom was cleaning my room once (she does this sometimes, eventhough I clean it myself. Grr… Asian mothers!) and found uhh… a toy of mine. I claimed it was my little sister’s. My mom looked at me with suspicion and said, “your sister is 15. She wouldn’t even know what this is” and I asked her, “Mom, do YOU know what it is?” and she said, rather uncomfortably, “It’s a massager of some sort?” And we never talked about it again.

Speaking of SPAM, my WHITE BOY FROM A WHITE BREAD FAMILY boyfriend accompanied me and my family to visit my grandfather in the Philippines last year. Every morning, my aunt would serve a breakfast of dried fish (what we Pinoys call “tuyo”, stinky stuff), white rice, SPAM, and eggs. I thought he would insist on eating toast or cereal, but he gingerly picked up a slice of Spam and put it in his mouth without spitting it out. A collective sigh of relief was released by my family.

I, for one, love Spam with rice and eggs.

I did not see this link. I am erasing this from my memory. I will not…NOT!...respond.

So does that mean JM Coetzee’s Foe (starring BOTH Crusoe and Friday) is fanfic or a derivative tie-in?  Maybe he should give his Nobel prize back, or better yet, use it to beat some sense into Lee Goldberg, et al. And I don’t know who Jocelyn is, but some of the comments made to her were tellingly defensive and adolescent, so none of that specious and self-important blather is surprising to me (some boys just never move past Sophomore class, do they?).

Will someone please explain to me why anyone cares about masturbation or fanfic enough to write a long post knocking it down and dragging it thorugh the mud? For Christ’s sake, it’s only masturbation. It’s only fanfic. It’s people having a good time and doing what feels good and not hurting a damn soul. So why can’t all the highbrows just leave it alone?

If you don’t like fanfic, don’t read it; if you don’t like masturbating, don’t do it and don’t read about it. Simple. Everyone’s happy; the hgihbrows get to stay in their rarified castles and us real people get to get a little fun.

Now, I personally don’t read fanfic. But I could care less what fanfics write. You love my stories so much and the characters are so real you want to engage in them through fanfic? Go for it. It’s the highest compliment to a writer; it means our characters live and breathe for you. Why does anyone get mad about this?

Must… stop… to… breathe…

Getting down off soapbox, blushing and hanging head. Jeez. Didn’t even know I had that in me…

Shit, masturbation is wrong..?  Who knew?  Better get rid of my ‘back massager’ then…

Besides, my mom always used to put Spam slices in waffles. You know, pour the batter in the waffle iron, slap a slice of Spam in there, close waffle iron. Three minutes or so, and you have a Spamwaffle. Drench with maple syrup and taste my childhood.

Ugh. I feel physically ill thinking about it, I can’t stand Spam anymore. But if anyone else wants to eat Spam, you have my blessing.

I was born in 1959 - a whole four months before 1960, when admitting to masturbation became legal, and an entire twenty years before anyone came up with the moniker - fanfic.  Which in and of itself sounds rather tittilating.  Titillating?  Titty-Lating?

I will therefore have to pass on this discussion.

But, gosh, Candy, I just feel so CLOSE to you now.  *see me smile*

Now, step back.

Stef, who doesn’t invest in appliances - cuz I’m a natural woeman

Ewwww—Spamturbation is just wrong! You could go blind, or at the very least be mauled by a couple of pit bulls.

Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam

Bloody Vikings.

yes.

But.

As the mother of adolescent boys, I can say with authority that David Montgomery has a point(and then another point and another one, and another and…. Good thing those penises are securely fastened. Good thing we have more than one bathroom.)

Do you suppose I should post this anonymously? Nah…

Spam and masturbation.

::shudder::

Gelatinous spam
Used in a kinky haiku
Must bleach eyeballs now

No, I’m to blame. The mother always is.

I took away the potted meat food product and they had nothing else to do with themselves.

Spam to eat is good
Fried spam is a crispy treat
Spam dildo? no! no!!

We are no longer the Knights Who Say “Nee.”  We are now the Knights Who Say “Icky! Icky! Icky! Zheboingggg!”

We used to push the pram alot,
Now we just eat Spamalot….

Stef, who’d kill to go see it, and would kill anyone who gave her Spam

While I have no problem with fanfic in theory, I realize that I wouldn’t want anyone but me writing my characters. Maybe a friend, writing it as a bit of a joke - okay, that I could handle. But ONLY as a spoof kinda thing, a totally-kidding situation. I am a superscary control freak and if you fuck with my characters, I will cut you.

Meanwhile, remind me sometime to blog about my completely unconscious, totally unwritten, imagined in my head just as a What-If situation, Kinsale fanfic. I will now serve spam at the dinner party in my head, and we’ll see what Leda has to say about that.

Must stop. Snort-laughing at work. Must. STOP.

Forget the latte. I need a raspberry kamikaze.

Warm slippery spam
Thrusting boldly in and out
Pound that meat baby!

Ooooh, I am telling. Sarah violated the 5-7-5 structure. Damn the 2 syllables in Hai-kus!

Wanking the weiner?
No Oscar Meyer for me.
Stud of choice? Hormel.

Must stop spam haikus
Brain hurts, curious boss asks
Why-fore giggles? S-s-spam!

Braxton-hicks are false contractions (lotsa preggers friends, LOL). And I looove the haiku as well—hence my inability to stop. But, tis friday and quitting time, so I am outta here! (Pretending desperately that I am not taking home tons o’ work.)

Because I discovered masturbation I am not in prison for murder.  Given that I sometimes plot other kinds of revenge while I tickle the pink, I’m not sure this makes me the most stable citizen.  But seriously.

Masturbation saves lives.

My cat knows this.  He drags his Miss Piggy stuffed animal out when we have friends over and (as a very observant five year old pointed out)“shows his girlfriend love”.

I did, however once choke on a hunk of Spam.  And so I hate it.

Wait, Kate: are you saying your boys do nothing but write Mulder/Skinner slashfic in your bathrooms?

Shame on them. SHAME.

Damn right! Why aren’t they doing stuff with Krycek’s false arm yet?

I, also, am erasing said link. As a fanfic writer who, you know, has two novels published and all I might upset their tiny logical minds. Until I get the “oh, but they’re science fiction which Doesn’t Count” response.

And I use to like spam sandwiches. That’s not a sexual position, just a snack.

spam: square meat manna
pallid greasy blobs of fat
smeared along the edge

“All I can say is, can’t wait for November 2005 when Hot Spell is released. I’m excited about the anthology and your (not-real) contribution to it.”

Ah, well, and I’ll do my best to get you an advance non-copy to not-review here. Screw my contribution; who doesn’t want Emma Holly in advance? Masturbation material galore. Which is good—it just inspires me to write more.

Damn fingers too busy for typing to masturbate well. I’ve really got to get that vibrating chair I’ve had my eye on.

Ah, well, and I’ll do my best to get you an advance non-copy to not-review here.

EEEEEE!

I mean, consider me non-delighted if you should be able to provide a review copy for us Bitches.

I take the blame for bringing up Spam as a masturbation tool in the first place. I should have known better than to give you an opening.

Uh, I mean…

Where’s that damned latte?

Masturbation?  Spam Dildos?  Egg-wa balls?

I recommend those handy-dandy Hoover attachments to vacuum out the mess.

Awww, c’mon, Stef. You wouldn’t have missed all that lovely haiku for the world! You know it!

And Monica: innovative vacuum usage duly noted.

You might want to consider a Kirby, they come with a massager attachment.

I am in awe at the ability to produce rude haikus at will. Hail me if you ever decide to publish a collection.

Oh, gawd, hasn’t that dead horse been beaten enough on that blog? 

I write fanfic.  I write original fic.  And my god!  I’ve now discovered I’m a 14 year old boy.  I’ve given birth to three kids.  I suppose that would qualify me for writing Mpreg now.  *rolls eyes*

Shouldn’t it be “Fanfic is to Writing as Masturbation is to Making Love”?  It doesn’t seem to make a lot of sense, unless he’s implying that if you write fanfic, you’re stuck with solo sex.  Though that may be what he intented.

Good post. I wouldn’t mind so much people who don’t like fan fic if they didn’t say such stupid things. I wrote fan fic for 15 years. Published it, too. Now I’m working on my own science fiction series (with a friend). Only reason I stopped doing fan fic is that I don’t have time for it now. Both forms of writing are satisfying. Just different.

Fan fic writers will never be real writers?  I don’t know how I’ll break that news to my friend Rob who has written several beautiful fan fic stories and has had published a couple of ‘real’ novels by Putnam, with more to come. 
In fact, there are a number of published authors who’ve written fan fiction. And there’s a vast amount of fan fiction on the ‘net that is beautifully, heart-breakingly written.
Maybe Mr. Montgomery’s suffering a little jealousy there…?

Damn, your article is right on target. How the hell does this man mastubates? I guess I don’t want to know. Hell, I *know* that I don’t want to know, but my point is, it IS endlessly pleasurable and very helpful, especially when one has trouble sleeping. Basically entire world is doing it, so there MUST be something to it, right?

Lee Goldberg is, how to put it mildly, not very bright. The irony is that he’s essentially writing “legal” fanfiction - he’s writing Diagnosis Murder based books and DM was created by other people. Only Goldberg has legal permission to do so. And if we’re taking the high road and being all snobbish, then, I’ll say that books based on very silly TV show are probably not “The Literature” either.